Chekov's Enterprise

[Patrick Degan]

Without doubt, most Star Trek fans these days are grousing about the mediocrity of the most recent product of the Paramount Saussage Factory. On talkboards across the range of the internet, some of these disgruntled Trekkies grope desperately for ideas as to what could be done to improve Boobyprise. It’s clear that this show is in deep, desperate trouble; bland plotlines, blander and in some cases idiotic characters, and a production style which seems designed to place as much of its audience into a catatonic state as possible. All in all, a viewing experience to which root canal without the gas is infinitely preferrable.

The answer, as some see it, is to add a new character to the show, just as Deep Sleep Nine added Mr. Worf to its retinue. Only that experiment didn’t work out so well, given how the ratings continued to fall throughout the remaining three seasons of its run. But desperation breeds risk-taking, and at this point, almost anything would be an improvement. One poster at the TrekWeb BBS who goes by the handle "O'Deus" came up with this suggestion:


Chekhov. No, not that Chekhov —19th century Russian playwright Anton Chekhov, confusingly also played by Walter Koenig, who is rescued from a temporal anomaly and delivers ironic commentary on Enterprise's adventures.


That got me to thinking... what if Chekov, or Chekhov, was the answer?

There’s a lot that can be done along this vein. Bringing in Walter Koenig via the most useful of Trek cliches, the temporal anomaly, could take the show in a very radical direction, while instantly providing a binding tie between the new series and the classic old series which people still actually watch. The possibilities are endless; the potential plotlines that could be mined from a creative exploitation of this idea would certainly result in a number of interesting episodes. Speculating on this, I myself was able to conceive of a few story ideas:

“The Dilithium Orchard”: features the arrival of playwright Anton Chekhov (Walter Koenig) aboard the Enterprise due to a temporal anomaly. Unable to return to 1900, Chekhov soon finds himself trying to tell the crew to have a good look at themselves and see how bland and dreary they truly are.

“Chekhov Squared”: Unable to rid themselves of Anton Chekhov or collapse the temporal anomaly which has somehow locked onto their ship, the Enterprise is soon host to Commander Pavel Chekov (reprised by Walter Koenig), drawn from the future. Hilarity ensues when the two Chekhovs begin arguing with one another over the correct spelling of the name "Chek(h)ov" as well as which one is more Russian than the other.

“My Three Chekhovs”: Out of control, the temporal anomaly soon deposits 1970s Russian chess grandmaster Valery Chekhov aboard the Enterprise, also played by Walter Koenig. This episode, however, is only a prelude to a deadly drama about to unfold, leading us to...

“Chekhov’s Checkmate”: Chekhov, Chekov, and Chekhov find themselves the only force standing between the Enterprise and destruction, as each face off against one another in an elimination chess tournament to determine which one will meet the challenge of a terminal chess match on a bleak, windswept planet. Max VonSydow guest stars as Death. In a daring experiment to maximise viewer confusion, the entire episode is filmed in 16mm black and white and redubbed in Sweedish, with English subtitles which have little relation to the actual scripted dialogue.

“The Bester Of Both Worlds”: Having escaped Death by drawing six straight against him, the Chekovs and the Enterprise crew are next confronted by the dual appearance of the evil Mirror-Chekov (Walter Koenig) and the evil PsiCop Bester from Babylon 5 (also Walter Koenig).

“Dancing Chekhovs”: the Temporal Anomaly ™ soon populates the Enterprise with every character ever played by Walter Koenig. This results in devestating mental effects upon the crew. Archer develops schizoid tendencies and begins talking to an invisible imaginary friend named Al. Trip Tyler and T’Pol find themselves obsessively rubbing lotion all over one another in the ship’s banya. Hoshi Sato begins unaccountably stripping off her uniform top at random. Malcolm Merriweather sinks into a deep depression because there's no pineapple cake to be found anywhere on board. And Dr. Phlox barricades himself in the mess hall and refuses to answer to any name other than “Neelix”. The crew are saved when Pavel Chekov, on the verge of succumbing to madness himself, screams like Fay Wray; collapsing the temporal anomaly and banishing all the other Chekhovs and Koenigs to their proper times, television shows, and stage plays. Pavel Chekov, the only Chekov left behind on the ship, soon discovers that the force behind the recent temporal twistings is none other than Archer’s dog, Porthos —in reality a spy from the Dog Star, Sirius. The evil time-manipulating pooch is subsequently shuttled to the pound on Altair.

With the temporal anomaly shut down and no way to return to his own time, Chekov is given command of Starfleet’s first deep space explorer, and thus the series returns for the new season, reimagined and retitled as:

Chekov’s Enterprise. The new season/series opener guest stars George Takei as an insane, outrageously scene-munching starship pilot raving over the fact that he never gets his own ship on his own TV show.

[Evil Jerk]

LOL

[CorSec]

That is fuckin' A brilliant!

“My Three Chekhovs”: Out of control, the temporal anomaly soon deposits 1970s Russian chess grandmaster Valery Chekhov aboard the Enterprise, also played by Walter Koenig. This episode, however, is only a prelude to a deadly drama about to unfold, leading us to...

My personal favorite. Instead of the craptastic theme song, we get a classical-ized version of everyone's favorite 60's TV show, "My Three Sons." Someone get Jerry Goldsmith on the phone!

[Mr Bean]

I would watch this, Definatly!

[Darth Yoshi]

LOL! That's brilliant! Especially the part about the dog.

[Howedar]

Shit, I'd watch that religiously!

[paladin]

I'd watched it but only if there were sub-titles every week. The sub-titles would have give a play by play of the action or inaction that was happening.

[paladin]

I'd watched it but only if there were sub-titles every week. The sub-titles would have give a play by play of the action or inaction that was happening.

Actually, a narrator would be better. He or she could give info about which episode of TOS enterprise is contrdicting this week.

[Patrick Degan]

...would be for Boobyprise to be reformatted as a cartoon produced under the auspices of the National Film Board of Canada.

[kojikun]

WE MUST SUBMIT THIS TO PARAMOUNT.

I would PAY to watch this. Wait I already do. Bah.

Seriously tho, that would be fucking BRILLIANT.

[Crown]

You know that I loved Walter Koenig in both ST and B5. In fact for me, he made B5 along with Peter Jurrasik (spell?) and Adreas Catsulas.

[haas mark]

This would definitely be an interesting show...