Bad Enterprise reviews

Dark Primus · Post by **Dark Primus** » 2002-10-27 03:00pm

I am tired so i am only going to say this: Read these reviews.
http://www.firsttvdrama.com/enterprise/index.php3

Post by **Mr Bean** » 2002-10-27 03:11pm

LMAO! a few good lines on that site but this one I loved best

"Go Go Gadget Borg Shielding!"

Heh heh heh

Dark Primus · Post by **Dark Primus** » 2002-10-27 03:38pm

"Minefield"

1- Reed has two major punctures through his leg. And he has to pee. Now what happens when your pee hits your open wounds? Reed should have peed and screamed his head off when that stinging pain hit him. Too bad we didn't see that.

2- Reed bitches about how bad it is to fraternise with superior officers. It would have been great if Reed attempted to pee in his spacesuit, only to not be able to go because Archer is standing right there.

3 - Archer should have told Reed it's okay, because in the olden days of space travel, Astronauts used to pee in their spacesuits all the time.

4 - There's no gravity in space. Reed pees in his spacesuit, it would have been great if it started floating all throughout his suit, even possibly into his helmet. Not only would this have been great, but once rescued and they remove his spacesuit, more hilarious scenes could have played out.

LOL i would love to see this.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2002-10-27 06:41pm

Yep, great site. I'm glad he's still doing the reviews.

"I just discovered them. They're made of Brass. And I have two! " - In defense of Harry Kim.

One of the funniest review sites I have ever seen.

Post by **Kuja** » 2002-10-27 07:09pm

ROTFLMAO!

That's good.

RayCav of ASVS · Post by **RayCav of ASVS** » 2002-10-27 07:56pm

Degression in Trek writing:

"They're called Phase Pistols. They have two settings. But it's my dick I'll be using to piss on your trees." - Archer

"If you don't release Tuvok and Neelix I'm going to piss all over your stuff." - Janeway

"If the Dominion Fleet comes through that wormhole, I'm going to personally piss on your Changlings!" - Sisko

"If the Romulans cross the Nuetral Zone, I'm gonna piss! " - Picard

"Spock, you attempt to mindmeld with that rock creature. If that doesn't work, I'll just piss all over it." - Kirk

I was literally ROTFLMAO after reading that

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2002-10-27 07:57pm

Slartibartfast · Post by **Slartibartfast** » 2002-10-27 08:01pm

Those reviews are marvelous. Just marvelous.

Damaramu · Post by **Damaramu** » 2002-10-28 02:27pm

MWAHAHA! This site is gold!

My fave: The Robert Beltran Gripe Generator!!!

http://www.firsttvdrama.com/funstuff/beltran.php3

Damaramu · Post by **Damaramu** » 2002-10-28 02:50pm

Oops!

Almost forgot about the Star Trek: Voyager Plot Generator!

http://www.firsttvdrama.com/funstuff/voyager.php3

Post by **Kuja** » 2002-10-28 04:07pm

ROTFLMAO!!!

That's good.

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2002-10-28 04:39pm

Only Twenty-seven dogs were killed during the filming of this motion picture.
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The dog didn't move!!!

For thirty minutes!!!

You killed him!!!!!

Damn, that's almost sig worthy.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » 2002-10-29 12:33am

Those reviews are very funny.

CorSec · Post by **CorSec** » 2002-10-29 03:31pm

I spent some time and read every review. I disagree on some minor points - but they are minor. Overall, I think everyone can agree that Berman and Braga should be fired (along with the other 'writers' of the show).

hvb · Post by **hvb** » 2002-10-30 09:43am

This is great!
We get all the fun inconsistencies painted out in great detail, and we don't even have to waste our time actually watching the show. This is the way Trek should be enjoyed

Slartibartfast · Post by **Slartibartfast** » 2002-10-30 11:15am

I agree. I've just watched the Civilization ep (or maybe the last 5 minutes of it) and it's just becoming unbearable. I already read all the reviews so I guess I'm going to avoid the actual show now, I'll just read the reviews as they come out.

Kamakazie Sith · Post by **Kamakazie Sith** » 2002-10-30 03:46pm

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T’Pol (Jolene Blalock) is contacted by Vulcan High Command while traveling with Archer (Scott Bakula) and Mayweather (Anthony Montgomery) on an arctic world to capture a fugitive. The journey takes a dangerous turn when T’Pol begins having flashbacks to a former mission that brings into question what really happened.
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Compare the plot of the next Enterprise episode above with the Voyager plot generator and note how similiar the two can be.......scary.

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When the Holodeck breaks down, Tuvok and Harry Kim must delve deep into personal memories and navigate a quantum flux.
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http://www.firsttvdrama.com/funstuff/voyager.php3

Failed Glory · Post by **Failed Glory** » 2002-10-30 04:06pm

High-Larious!

I didn't read them all, but was there one about Archer being able to outrun T'Paul (episode?)?

I thought Vulcans exceeded humans in all physical means (TOS affirms and DS9 baseball episode reaffirms this)?

How the fuck did Archer outrun her on those futuristic looking running machines?

Why is no one bedding Hoshi longterm? No hormones in space because it's a lonely, lonely place?

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2002-10-30 04:21pm

If I was stuck in deep space on a co-ed ship, I would be trying to get into the pants of every good looking woman on board. The main one being Hoshi.

They don't have holodecks yet, what are they going to do to relieve their their sexual needs?

CorSec · Post by **CorSec** » 2002-10-30 05:14pm

They don't have holodecks yet, what are they going to do to relieve their their sexual needs?

"Our sensabilities in the future are far different than those of past centuries. We have outgrown our barbaric physical needs. Now, we live to serve the community not ourselves. Except when we are over taken by some anomolous virus, ghosts of crewmen past or subspace entities which forces us to regress and give in to our primal urges."

Or something to that effect.

Uraniun235 · Post by **Uraniun235** » 2002-11-01 12:34am

CorSec wrote:
They don't have holodecks yet, what are they going to do to relieve their their sexual needs?
"Our sensabilities in the future are far different than those of past centuries. We have outgrown our barbaric physical needs. Now, we live to serve the community not ourselves. Except when we are over taken by some anomolous virus, ghosts of crewmen past or subspace entities which forces us to regress and give in to our primal urges."

Or something to that effect.

Oh, the total irony, considering the... ah, liberal attitudes towards sex that Gene Roddenberry had.

"In those days, we had the Enterprise 50% men, 50% women. Would you believe we recieved another one of those network visits? The fellow this time said 'Uh, you can't do that.' We said, 'Why on Earth not?' These are exact quotes. He said 'Because don't you see, it will make it look like there's a lot of fooling around going on up there.' We had a huge argument; he went away, came back a week later, and said 'We've had a meeting on this, and if you want this series, we're going to make you a one-time offer. You can have 30% women.' I thought 'Well, hell, 30% healthy young women should be able to handle the ship' so I just let the thing go."

Tsyroc · Post by **Tsyroc** » 2002-11-01 01:53am

Failed Glory wrote:High-Larious!

I didn't read them all, but was there one about Archer being able to outrun T'Paul (episode?)?

I thought Vulcans exceeded humans in all physical means (TOS affirms and DS9 baseball episode reaffirms this)?

How the fuck did Archer outrun her on those futuristic looking running machines?

Why is no one bedding Hoshi longterm? No hormones in space because it's a lonely, lonely place?

Archer didn't really outrun her. She was easily kicking his ass but he was in a pissy mood and kept trying to keep up with or ahead of her so she stopped.

Not sure about the Hoshi question. With how he says her name and how often he says her name I suspect that Trip has a thing for her. Unfortunately she's an Ensign and he's a Commander. A little too much seperation in rank for them to be fraternizing (sp?). Reed might like her too but he's too much of a by the book type to be going after her.
I did think it was funny that she was the only one to have a good time on Risa.

They really need to have other crew members with more recuring roles. They've had Crewman Cuthburt on a few times (another woman) but if the main cast can't fool around with each other there need to be others for them to interact with.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2002-11-01 02:10am

I'm wondering why everybody, except the doctor, seems to be a part of Starfleet. Shouldn't there be some specialized personnel? Perhaps some scientists, as this is supposed to be an exploratory ship. I find it hard to believe that every smart person happens to be in Starfleet.

If there were civilians, that would give the crew a way to relieve their urges.

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2002-11-01 01:16pm

Reed has a thing for T'Pol, as demonstrated in Shuttlepod-1. Malcolm should go after Hoshi. But he doesn't. Why?

CorSec · Post by **CorSec** » 2002-11-01 05:38pm

Uraniun235 wrote:Oh, the total irony, considering the... ah, liberal attitudes towards sex that Gene Roddenberry had.

"In those days, we had the Enterprise 50% men, 50% women. Would you believe we recieved another one of those network visits? The fellow this time said 'Uh, you can't do that.' We said, 'Why on Earth not?' These are exact quotes. He said 'Because don't you see, it will make it look like there's a lot of fooling around going on up there.' We had a huge argument; he went away, came back a week later, and said 'We've had a meeting on this, and if you want this series, we're going to make you a one-time offer. You can have 30% women.' I thought 'Well, hell, 30% healthy young women should be able to handle the ship' so I just let the thing go."

That dutifully explains why things appeared as they did in TOS, but not what the philosophy of Trek became in the post TNG era. (The phrase "B-n-B fucking it up," comes to mind.