Barclay vs. The Empire

Durandal · Post by **Durandal** » 2003-01-03 06:38pm

This thread is a facetious waste of time. Just post mini-fanfics, I guess you could call them, of what Barclay's experiences in the Imperial Starfleet would be like. This is a chance for everyone to vent.

I got the idea by watching that episode of TNG last night where Barclay used the holodeck to fantasize about other members of the crew and was appalled by how lightly Picard treated his gross incompetence. The man was never reprimanded for repeatedly showing up late for his shift, and he never lost holodeck privileges. Picard even ordered Geordi to become his friend and waste his time trying to straighten him out, rather than punishing him and transferring him off the fucking flagship of the Federation.

So, just think, "What would Vader do?"

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2003-01-03 06:41pm

I think Barclay would like the empire and their lack (and inherent distrust, as in Wongs fic) of transporters. He wouldnt have much of an issue i think, because he wouldnt be in the military and would likely be some boring little man doing an unknown job and going to visit prostitutes frequently.

Next of Kin · Post by **Next of Kin** » 2003-01-03 06:56pm

The emperor would ask vader to be barclay's friend.

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2003-01-03 07:02pm

He would not have been raised in an atmosphere of such laxity, and therefore would not display it.

King Tiger · Post by **King Tiger** » 2003-01-03 07:04pm

Since the Empire has neither transporters for him to get scared of, nor holodecks to get addicted, two big problems are eliminated. When is he transfered to the Empire? In VOY? TNG? After graduated SFA? Birth?

Uraniun235 · Post by **Uraniun235** » 2003-01-03 07:06pm

Next of Kin wrote:The emperor would ask vader to be barclay's friend.

ROFL

*has mental image of Vader and Barclay skipping through a meadow filled with flowers*

ROFLMAO

Keevan_Colton · Post by **Keevan_Colton** » 2003-01-03 07:39pm

I for some reason have visions of him working on the death star.....possibly cleaning up in that wonderful focusing channel....the one always associated with that wonderful line "commence primary ignition".....I also see no one remembering to tell him that he shouldnt be cleaning at that point.......

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-01-03 07:52pm

Admiral Daala strode angrily into Barclay's duty station. "Barclay, do you realize that your dereliction of duty led directly to the deaths of three crewmen?"

"Y-y-yes" Barclay stammered. "Well, you see, I got distracted viewing Holo-Net advertisements for Coruscant escort services, and, well ..."

"I will hear no more excuses, Lieutenant!" She bellowed. "You will be court-martialed immediately!"

Daala stopped herself at the sight of the aide she had sent to inspect Barclay's quarters. He was carrying a small palm-sized holo-emitter, of the type normally used for viewing desktop holo-vids. She pressed the button, and saw a tiny holographic image of herself, completely nude and penetrating herself with some kind of sexual device.

Her eyes flashed with anger, and she turned to glare venomously at Barclay. She turned off the holo-emitter, threw it to the ground, and then pulled out her blaster. She pointed it at Barclay's head, whereupon he froze and went white as a sheet. She slowly moved the aimpoint down toward his chest, then his abdomen, then down even lower.

"No, please" he pleaded.

She abruptly turned and fired at the discarded holo-emitter, blasting it into a cloud of smoke and charred debris.

"By the time I'm done with you," she hissed, "you will wish I'd killed you!"

*Fade to black*

His Divine Shadow · Post by **His Divine Shadow** » 2003-01-03 08:28pm

Will she 'love' him to death?

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2003-01-03 09:52pm

I have yet to figure out why draconian discipline is seen by the scifi community as good for military discipline and morale.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-01-03 10:01pm

Im told it worked for hannibal.

jaeger115 · Post by **jaeger115** » 2003-01-03 10:02pm

I have yet to figure out why draconian discipline is seen by the scifi community as good for military discipline and morale.

You haven't figured that out?

King Tiger · Post by **King Tiger** » 2003-01-03 10:12pm

Howedar wrote:I have yet to figure out why draconian discipline is seen by the scifi community as good for military discipline and morale.

Daala alone is bad for morale.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-01-03 10:28pm

Howedar wrote:I have yet to figure out why draconian discipline is seen by the scifi community as good for military discipline and morale.

Is it that hard to lighten up and have some fun with this?

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2003-01-04 01:14am

Daala and Barclay...screw ups each of their own universes....hmm the possiblities

Keevan_Colton · Post by **Keevan_Colton** » 2003-01-04 01:32am

Ghost Rider wrote:Daala and Barclay...screw ups each of their own universes....hmm the possiblities

*goes to a very frightening world*

Barclay Dalaa....the love child of the two.....a bubling admiral with serious social problems and a terrible temper....

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2003-01-04 01:33am

You forgot to add and with the ability of destroying the Death Star by tripping over a wrench

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2003-01-04 01:35am

Darth Wong wrote:
Howedar wrote:I have yet to figure out why draconian discipline is seen by the scifi community as good for military discipline and morale.
Is it that hard to lighten up and have some fun with this?

Well on the one hand I could toss back your feeling on unrealistic debates that wouldn't actually make sense...

But it was just a question. I asked it because of the suggestion of such discipline, but I probably would have asked it eventually anyway. It has nothing to do with this particular topic.

Keevan_Colton · Post by **Keevan_Colton** » 2003-01-04 01:44am

Ghost Rider wrote:You forgot to add and with the ability of destroying the Death Star by tripping over a wrench

Damn I knew I'd forgotten something!

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2003-01-04 01:54am

I could see Barclay working at the Imperial Palace and sneezing on some of Palpatines curtains, then Palpatine simply kills him over and over again each time putting him in a new clone body ala Lemelisk.

Connor MacLeod · Post by **Connor MacLeod** » 2003-01-04 02:40am

Darth Wong wrote:
Howedar wrote:I have yet to figure out why draconian discipline is seen by the scifi community as good for military discipline and morale.
Is it that hard to lighten up and have some fun with this?

You forgot to mention anal sex

Durandal · Post by **Durandal** » 2003-01-04 02:42am

Connor MacLeod wrote:
Darth Wong wrote:
Howedar wrote:I have yet to figure out why draconian discipline is seen by the scifi community as good for military discipline and morale.
Is it that hard to lighten up and have some fun with this?
You forgot to mention anal sex

In that case, it'd be Dalaa giving it to Barclay with a strap-on.

Connor MacLeod · Post by **Connor MacLeod** » 2003-01-04 02:43am

Durandal wrote:
Connor MacLeod wrote:
Darth Wong wrote: Is it that hard to lighten up and have some fun with this?
You forgot to mention anal sex
In that case, it'd be Dalaa giving it to Barclay with a strap-on.

without lube.

Durandal · Post by **Durandal** » 2003-01-04 02:48am

Yeah, and she probably considers cheese-graters as "strap ons," as well.

Keevan_Colton · Post by **Keevan_Colton** » 2003-01-04 02:53am

I'm sure with the budget they have, the ISB have a whole department that designs torture dildos for use by thier staff....