Breathless Republican Bullshit (by post!)

[rhoenix]

My grandfather, being a retired veteran from WWII and (formerly) a staunch Republican, get some truly scary shit in the mailbox now from Republicans. I've helped him go through his avalanche of mail, and noticed this trend more and more - so, I'll faithfully transcribe some of the more nutty shit he gets in his mailbox.

From: "National Retirement Security Task Force"
(quick note: This letter really was in ALL CAPS THE WHOLE WAY, so don't think that an exaggeration - I assure you, none was needed for this one...)

DEAR FRIEND,

PLEASE EXCUSE THIS FRANTIC NOTE, BUT THIS URGENT NEWS COULD NOT WAIT.

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE IN D.C. IS SO TERRIFYING -- SO FRIGHTENING --

-- I COULD ONLY JOT YOU THIS QUICK NOTE.

THERE IS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN ALL THAT IS HAPPENING HERE... NO TIME AT ALL.

I NEED YOUR URGENT HELP. I HAVE TAKEN A RISK AND MAILED YOU THIS EMERGENCY ZIP MAIL RETURN ENVELOPE.

NOT MUCH IS FASTER THAN ZIP MAIL, AND WITH THIS RETIREMENT SECURITY CRISIS WE NOW FACE, I NEEDED TO GET YOUR RESPONSE BACK THAT QUICKLY.

I HAD TO ENSURE THAT YOUR REPLY WAS DELIVERED SAFELY AND DIRECTLY TO ME.

THIS POSTAGE PAID ZIP MAIL REPLY ENVELOPE WILL ENSURE BOTH.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND, EVEN THOUGH I SHOULDN'T HAVE SPENT THE EXTRA FUNDS ON YOUR ZIP MAIL REPLY ENVELOPE AND RETURN POSTAGE BACK TO ME, I HAD NO CHOICE.

IN THIS EMERGENCY, I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO LOOK FOR A STAMP. I DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DELAY YOUR RESPONSE.

AND SO I HAVE PAID FOR YOUR FIRST CLASS ZIP MAIL RETURN POSTAGE AT THE EXPENSE OF NRSTF.

ALL AT THE RISK OF NOT HEARING FROM YOU...

SOME AT THE NRSTF HEADQUARTERS DID NOT WANT ME TO SEND YOU A ZIP MAIL RETURN ENVELOPE WITH FIRST CLASS POSTAGE PRE-PAID FOR YOU.

THEY THOUGHT THE RISK WAS TOO GREAT.

BUT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND MY FAITH IN YOU.

I HOPE YOU WOULD NEVER LET ANYTHING AS PRECIOUS AS 42-CENTS IN POSTAGE GO TO WASTE. AND BESIDES, I EXPLAINED, IN THIS CRISIS, I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE.

AND ABOVE AND BEYOND. YOU ARE NOT ONLY A FRIEND TO OUR CAUSE, BUT A CONSERVATIVE ALLY. I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T PUT OUR PROGRAMS AT RISK.

THAT'S WHY, WITHOUT WORRYING TOO MUCH, I AM TAKING PRECIOUS PENNIES TO SEND YOU A POSTAGE-PAID ZIP MAIL RETURN ENVELOPE.

NOW I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT YOU'LL USE THIS RETURN ENVELOPE WITHIN THE NEXT 72 HOURS TO SEND ME YOUR RESPONSE.

I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT YOU WON'T LET OUR CONSERVATIVE REFORM EFFORTS FALL PREY TO THE LIBERAL CRONIES IN CONGRESS --

-- ESPECIALLY NOW THAT SOCIAL SECURITY IS HURTLING TOWARDS BANKRUPTCY AT AN ALARMING RATE.

IT IS ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL THAT NATIONAL RETIREMENT SECURITY TASK FORCE RECEIVES IMMEDIATE FINANCIAL AID WITHIN THE NEXT FOUR DAYS.

WE HAVE JUST 96 HOURS.

96 HOURS TO LAUNCH OUR EFFORT TO DEFEND PRESIDENT BUSH'S RECUE OF SOCIAL SECURITY FROM LIBERAL SMEARS AND SLANDERS.

96 HOURS TO BRING NATIONAL ATTENTION TO WHAT IS HAPPENING IN LIGHT OF THE FUTURE OF YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY TRUST FUND.

I WISH I HAD TIME TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING THAT IS OCCURRING RIGHT NOW.

BUT ALL I CAN DO RIGHT NOW IS HOPE THAT YOU'LL TRUST ME AND HAVE FAITH IN OUR CRITICAL EFFORTS.

THERE IS ONLY ONE THING THAT WILL GET US THROUGH THIS CRISIS AND THAT IS IF WE WORK TOGETHER.

AND THAT YOU WILL WORK WITH US BY SHARING WHAT YOU LEARN ABOUT THE CONGRESSIONAL LIBERALS' PLANS WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS.

THERE IS NO SENIOR WHO IS SAFE FROM THEIR MISMANAGEMENT.

THERE IS NOTHING THEY WILL NOT DO TO KEEP PRESIDENT BUSH FROM MOVING FORWARD TO REFORM SOCIAL SECURITY IN ORDER TO PRESERVE AND PROTECT YOUR RETIREMENT FUTURE.

AND IN THE NEXT 96 HOURS, THIS WILL INCREASINGLY COME TO A HEAD.

I TOOK A RISK EVEN SENDING YOU A FIRST CLASS ZIP MAIL ENVELOPE AT A TIME WHEN EVERY PENNY MUCH BE ACCOUNTED FOR.

I ASK YOU TO USE THE ZIP MAIL ENVELOPE I'VE SENT YOU TO SEND A $25 OR $50 TAX-DEDUCTIBLE DONATION TODAY.

I ASK YOU TO TRUST ME TO ACT WITH COURAGE IN THE NEXT 96 HOURS. AND USE YOUR SUPPORT TO MAKE SURE YOUR RETIREMENT FUTURE IS SECURE.

I NEED YOU TO SEND YOUR $25 OR $50 TO HELP ENSURE THAT SOCIAL SECURITY WILL BE SAFE FROM BANKRUPTCY.

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THE NEXT 96 HOURS, AND YOUR TRUST AND FAITH TODAY. THANK YOU.

AWAITING YOUR URGENTLY NEEDED HELP,

AMY M. RIDENOUR, DIRECTOR

P.S. REMEMBER, I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED TO PAYING FOR YOUR ENCLOSED SPECIAL ZIP MAIL RETURN ENVELOPE. I COULDN'T TAKE ANY CHANCES. RUSH YOUR $25 OR $50 BACK TO ME IN THE ENVELOPE FOR THE SAKE OF ALL WE BELIEVE IN.

Quite honestly, I could have torn this thing to shreds, line by line. There are so many things I could - but really, letting it stand on its own as a cretinous work of art seems much more appropriate. Even rebutting it line by line would only make it better.

[LadyTevar]

Send money now! Don't ask where it's going, because it's just lining my personal pockets!

[Erik von Nein]

It's hilarious that this guy spent the first 3/4 of the letter talking about postage.

It's urgent, I guess, to get some more money.

[Gandalf]

Are the GOP outsourcing their fundraising to the Nigerians?

[Broomstick]

Either that, or it's a total out-and-out scam and has nothing to do with any legit fundraiser. This is overtop even for political actions groups. You might consider reporting it to the authorities.

[rhoenix]

For this second one, I'd like to preface it with my assessment. This is a disgusting tactic to use by the Republicans - but on the other hand, unlikely to work except against white Republicans who were already convinced to begin with. I find it sad that they think my grandfather falls into the demographic of "Well, that thar black guy says he hates Obama, so it's even more okay! ...Because he's a liberal godless Muslim of course..."

This one at least was written marginally better than the first one, so I suppose there's that.

From: "Black Republican PAC"

(insert picture of supposed author, Edward Cousar)

Dear Fellow Republican,

I urge you to take the next three minutes to read this letter.

You see, there isn't much time left. Let me explain.

I'm a Black Republican who cannot stand the thought of having an ultra-liberal Barack Obama become our next President.

Barack Obama is a far left radical who will raise taxes, weaken our national defense, and grow the size of our government.

He is the #1 most liberal Senator according to National Journal and the most radical presidential candidate this country has ever seen.

That's why I'm determined to do all I can in the days ahead to keep this radical out of the White House!!!

My friend, this is why I'm writing to you today. I have an important favor to ask...

Will you sign and return the "PLEDGE TO STOP BARACK OBAMA" reply I've sent you?

There is nothing more important you can do at this time.

By signing this PLEDGE you will add your name to a growing list of proud Americans who are determined to make sure Barack Obama never becomes our next Commander-in-Chief.

Will you join us?

Please say "YES!"

My name is Edward Cousar and I grew up in a family of staunch Democrats. And I got a lot of puzzled looks when I told them that I was becoming a Republican.

But it made perfect sense to me. I was raised to believe in the American ideals of hard work, individual responsibility, and trust in a Higher Power and I found that the Republican Party better represented those ideals than the Democrats.

But the hope I found in the Republican Party stands in stark contrast to Barack's criticisms of America.

He's denigrated believers by saying that we're "bitter."

He's told us that if you believe in the Second Amendment rights, you "cling" to your gun out of fear.

He's even said that he's "embarassed" that more Americans don't speak Spanish...

...but he's never said he's embarrassed that immigrants refuse to learn English!

And when Reverend Wright, his pastor for 20 years, the man whom he entrusted the religious education of his children, calls this country the "U.S. of KKK A" and says that 9/11 was "America's chickens coming home to roost"...

...Barack Obama defended him.

Barack Obama doesn't seem to like the American people much.

And that's not even taking into account the fact that his far left policies would radically alter the America we love into something other than the freedom-loving country it is today.

Barack Obama is a radical in my book -- and now he wants to be our President.

WILL YOU HELP ME STOP HIM?

And with the Election Day quickly approaching, I need to know within the next few days.

My friend, here's what I need you to do...

1) Please sign and return the "PLEDGE TO STOP BARACK OBAMA" reply I've enclosed. By doing this I know that you are a part of a growing team.

2) Please consider sending an urgent contribution of $100, $500, $1,000, or even as much as $5,000. If that's more than you can send at this time, please consider sending $75, $50, or even $35.

Your support today will make a huge difference...

...And it will allow BLACK REPUBLICAN PAC to inform America about the real Barack Obama and what's at stake if he seizes control of the White House.

You see, BLACK REPUBLICAN PAC is a truly unique organization that isn't afraid to tell the truth about Barack Obama.

Unlike other conservative groups that can be scared away from criticizing Barack Obama because of phony "racism" charges, we will not be smeared or intimidated into silence.

We'll conduct a no holds barred truth-telling campaign that will expose the real Barack Obama for the leftist he is in all the important swing states he MUST win to become President.

I will take our message directly to voters through radio and TV, newspapers and magazines, church and community leaders, and anyone else that will lend us an ear.

That's why I'm asking for your support.

A "President Barack Obama" is the last thing American needs.

As a U.S. Senator, Barack Obama has been one voice out of 100 voices. His radical agenda has always been countered by the levelheaded common sense of others...

..but as President, there would be no such check on where he wants to take America.

That's why he must be stopped now!

In the Senate, Barack Obama was voted the most left-wing senator and pushed a radical agenda. He's voted...

** To ban drilling for oil to lower prices at the pump

** For keeping the Death Tax

** For higher taxes

** For HUNDREDS of BILLIONS in new wasteful spending

** 100% the way pro-abortion NARAL extremists wanted him to.

If that wasn't enough, he's also proposed more government spending, even more taxes, and even more social liberalism to undermine traditional family values.

Thankfully for American, so far Barack Obama has not gotten his way and pulled our country to the far left...

...but if we don't act now, that will tragically change!

That's why I'm begging you to join me and thousands of other Americans today by signing your "PLEDGE TO STOP BARACK OBAMA" and returning it along with a gift of $5,000, $1,000, $500, $250, $100, $75, $50, or even $35.

Bottom line -- the more you can help out the BLACK REPUBLICAN PAC today, the more it an do to stop Barack Obama from becoming our next Commander-In-Chief...

...and with Election Day getting closer by the day, there isn't much time left to act.

This is why I had to write to you today.

You and I must do all we can to make sure we continue to have leaders who don't subject this country to their warped socialist schemes.

To have a political radical as our next President is simply unacceptable to me. That's why as a proud Republican I'm asking you to do two things right now...

1) Sign and pledge within the next few days your urgent "PLEDGE TO STOP BARACK OBAMA".

2) Send an urgent contribution of $35, $50, $75, $100, $250, $500, $1,000, or $5,000.

I'm not afraid to take on Barack Obama and hit him on his record. Sadly too many other groups are. That's why it is up to me and BLACK REPUBLICAN PAC to expose Barack Obama for the radical leftist he really is.

My friend, BLACK REPUBLICAN PAC has a lot of work to do and not much time to do it, Please help out all you can today.

For America,

Edward Cousar
Executive Director

I know it's scaremongering crossed with abject begging, but it's just too funny not to share.

What's less funny is that some Republicans think this sort of shit works, and pursue it.

[Molyneux]

...wow. "Zip Mail" is used ten times in that letter.
What the hell is zip mail? I've never heard of it, but whoever wrote that letter sure seems to think it's important.

[rhoenix]

...wow. "Zip Mail" is used ten times in that letter.
What the hell is zip mail? I've never heard of it, but whoever wrote that letter sure seems to think it's important.

Oh, it's some new experimental technology that uses these arcane number sequences called "zip codes" on postal mail.

I know, I'm skeptical as to whether it'll work or not too - I mean, it's so newfangled.

[Ariphaos]

Fill it with rocks, make it weigh twelve ounces, mail it back.

[Coyote]

Terrifying confused old people. I wish I could be surprised, but.... no.

[Covenant]

I'm sorry, I've never heard of zip mail either. I think the person who is making this shit up is clearly insane, since there is no such thing. The only thing it could be is one of the Zip Mail companies which are NOT a type of mail any more than any other private mail delivery service is. Maybe it's a scam crossed with a marketing ploy.

"Egads! I must send money to help counter the Negroe Menace! ...and by jove, these postal rates are extremely reasonable!"