Wall Street Journal: Men Getting Cast as Pedo-Predators

[Einhander Sn0m4n]

Avoiding Kids: How Men Cope With Being Cast as Predators

Avoiding Kids: How Men Cope
With Being Cast as Predators
September 6, 2007; Page D1

These days, if Rian Romoli accidentally bumps into a child, he quickly raises his hands above his shoulders. "I don't want to give even the slightest indication that any inadvertent touching occurred," says Mr. Romoli, an economist in La Cañada Flintridge, Calif.

Ted Wallis, a doctor in Austin, Texas, recently came upon a lost child in tears in a mall. His first instinct was to help, but he feared people might consider him a predator. He walked away. "Being male," he explains, "I am guilty until proven innocent."

In San Diego, retiree Ralph Castro says he won't allow himself to be alone with a child -- even in an elevator.

Last month, I wrote about [urlhttp://online.wsj.com/article/SB118782905698506010.html?mod=Moving-On]how our culture teaches children to fear men[/url]. Hundreds of men responded, many lamenting that they've now become fearful of children. They said they avert their eyes when kids are around, or think twice before holding even their own children's hands in public.

Frank McEnulty, a builder in Long Beach, Calif., was once a Boy Scout scoutmaster. "Today, I wouldn't do that job for anything," he says. "All it takes is for one kid to get ticked off at you for something and tell his parents you were acting weird on the campout."

It's true that men are far more likely than women to be sexual predators. But our society, while declining to profile by race or nationality when it comes to crime and terrorism, has become nonchalant about profiling men. Child advocates are advising parents never to hire male babysitters. Airlines are placing unaccompanied minors with female passengers.

Child-welfare groups say these precautions minimize risks. But men's rights activists argue that our societal focus on "bad guys" has led to an overconfidence in women. (Children who die of physical abuse are more often victims of female perpetrators, usually mothers, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.)

Though groups that cater to the young are working harder to identify predators, they also ask that risks be kept in perspective. Big Brothers Big Sisters of America does criminal background checks on each of its 250,000 volunteers, and has social workers assess them. Since 1990, the group says, it has had fewer than 10 abuse allegations per year. More than 98% of the alleged abusers were male.

"If we wanted to make sure we never had a problem, one approach would be to just become Big Sisters -- to say we won't serve boys," says Mack Koonce, the group's chief operating officer. But, of course, that would deny hundreds of thousands of boys contact with male mentors.

The Boy Scouts of America now has elaborate rules to prevent both abuse and false accusations. There are 1.2 million Scout leaders, and the organization kicks out about 175 of them a year over abuse allegations or for violating policies.
[photo]

These policies can be intricate. For instance, four adult leaders are needed for each outing. If a sick child must go home, two adults drive him and two stay with the others, so no adult is ever alone with a Scout. "It's protection for the adults, as well as the children," says a Scouts spokesman.

The result of all this hyper-carefulness, however, is that men often feel like untouchables. In Cochranville, Pa., Ray Simpson, a bus driver, says that he used to have 30 kids stop at his house on Halloween. But after his divorce, with people knowing he was a man living alone, he had zero visitors. "I felt like crying at the end of the evening," he says.

At Houston Intercontinental Airport, businessman Mitch Reifel was having a meal with his 5-year-old daughter when a policeman showed up to question him. A passerby had reported his interactions with the child seemed "suspicious."

In Skokie, Ill., Steve Frederick says the director of his son's day-care center called him in to reprimand him for "inappropriately touching the children." "I was shocked," he says. "Whatever did she mean?" She was referring to him reading stories with his son and other kids on his lap. A parent had panicked when her child mentioned sitting on a man's lap.

"Good parenting and good education demand that we let children take risks," says Mr. Frederick, a career coach. "We install playground equipment, putting them at risk of falls and broken bones. Why? We want them to challenge themselves and develop muscles and confidence.

"Likewise, while we don't want sexual predators to harm our kids, we do want our kids to develop healthy relationships with adults, both men and women. Instilling a fear of men is a profound disservice to everyone."

[Gil Hamilton]

That's been a major problem that's crept into society. People are so afraid of being sued or accused of something that it just doesn't pay to be decent.

[Psycho Smiley]

An email the author posted in the comments forum:

From Richard Berkley: "I live in Round Rock, Texas, in a busy residential corner house. Often the kids blast through the stop sign on their bikes, not looking for cars. A few months ago I yelled at one of them to stop and watch for traffic. I didn't go near the kid, just trying to correct him with my voice from a distance. I know better than to go anywhere near anyone, as your article explains. Later that day his father came to my door out of his mind with anger at me. Without even giving me a chance to explain to him what his boy had done and why I was trying to correct the boy, this father accused me of trying to "F _ _ _" his son and that I was to never speak to him again under any circumstances. He stormed off without letting me get a word in. This is a sad development in our society. I taught school here in Round Rock for 25 years (retiring in 2000)and never had a single problem. So much for the 'it takes a village' philosophy.

"Now get this. I reported the incident (father chewing me at on my front porch) to the police department, I was told law enforcement is now advising adult men not to speak to children. If there is a problem, report it directly to them. I find this revolting. Thanks for drawing attention to this problem and for letting people know all men aren't predators. Most are good, caring citizens."

Emphasis mine. When the police are telling men not to even speak to children, you know things are fucked up. And then the same people who brought this about will complain that men don't take enough of an active role in the community.

[Singular Intellect]

That's been a major problem that's crept into society. People are so afraid of being sued or accused of something that it just doesn't pay to be decent.

Exactly. Being quite a rather large and quiet indvidiual myself, I tend to find I'm very cautious being around people in public.

For example I'll get a bit uneasy if I'm walking behind someone for any period of time, worrying if they're worried about me. I'll usually try to cross the street or pass them politely and as quickly as possible.

[The Spartan]

In Skokie, Ill., Steve Frederick says the director of his son's day-care center called him in to reprimand him for "inappropriately touching the children." "I was shocked," he says. "Whatever did she mean?" She was referring to him reading stories with his son and other kids on his lap. A parent had panicked when her child mentioned sitting on a man's lap.

So I'm a fucking pedophile because I sit my friends' daughter on my lap to read to her? Christ, I've been doing that since she was an toddler at her second Christmas when I read her the Grinch.

[Frank Hipper]

What do you think it's like being gay in a culture of fear like this?

[Einhander Sn0m4n]

What do you think it's like being gay in a culture of fear like this?

Exactly. It's an order of magnitude worse directly because of the fundie habit of conflating homosexuality and pedophilia as somehow inseparable in their own inimitable extremely noisy, obnoxious, violence-inciting manner.

[salm]

Interesting. This clears something up which i had imagine might be like this but wasn´t sure.

A while ago i was in a theme park with a couple of friends and there was a group of perhaps 20 or 30 kids there all dressed in the same t-shirts. They were from some American "traveling for kids" or something like that. Anyway, while waiting in line for a ride we asked one of them right in front of us from where in the US they were. The kid ignored us and looked away. We thought it was just a shy kid and asked another one. Same reaction, so we tried another one and again, got the same reaction. Then we noticed that one of the adult guide persons who was with the group had come near watching the scene. So we asked her where they were from and she answered. But in a tone that made it clear that we are maggots who will never ever talk to her or any of her kids again.
Then it occurred to me that this might be the American culture of fear in action and we are currently seen as potential pedos by this group. Damn, did that feel ugly.

This seems very bizzar to me because kids from here are definitely not like this. While waiting in line for another ride we actually had German kids starting to talk to us and explaining to us which of the go carts is the best.

[TheDarkling]

I was talking to somebody just today about something along these lines.

He works at a school and he saw a kid from the school whilst stuck in traffic and he the kid asked him for a lift.

As he put it "ten years ago I wouldn't have hesitated but these days it just isn't worth the risk".

It is a sad world we leave in when people start limiting their contact with other people out of fear.

[Flagg]

This is why I avoid children as much as I possibly can.

[Alyrium Denryle]

wow, I have never experienced this. Maybe because I am younger and have a very non-threatening demeanor, but little kids yabber at me all the time. Granted, mom was there etc.

Perhaps it is a trust issue. In day care centers for examplwe they put a huge amount of trust in relative strangers. humans did not evolve to do this. Reciprocal altruism depends on regular face to face interactions for that trust building and thus the parents are on guard when they send their kids there. Same thing with school trips and traveling groups of kids with a chaperone. The parents have (understandably) armed their kids with a healthy fear of strangers (even though the person most likely to molest them is someone their parents trust. Pedophiles are skilled that way) so when they are on school outings the kids are on guard. Partially because of that, and partiall because they are in an unfamiliar environment and are on edge (evolved fear of predation kicking in as well) The chaperone is on guard to cover their own ass.

And men... who are more likely to be child molesters by a HUGE margin are given the shaft

[Majin Gojira]

Interesting. This clears something up which i had imagine might be like this but wasn´t sure.

A while ago i was in a theme park with a couple of friends and there was a group of perhaps 20 or 30 kids there all dressed in the same t-shirts. They were from some American "traveling for kids" or something like that. Anyway, while waiting in line for a ride we asked one of them right in front of us from where in the US they were. The kid ignored us and looked away. We thought it was just a shy kid and asked another one. Same reaction, so we tried another one and again, got the same reaction. Then we noticed that one of the adult guide persons who was with the group had come near watching the scene. So we asked her where they were from and she answered. But in a tone that made it clear that we are maggots who will never ever talk to her or any of her kids again.
Then it occurred to me that this might be the American culture of fear in action and we are currently seen as potential pedos by this group. Damn, did that feel ugly.

This seems very bizzar to me because kids from here are definitely not like this. While waiting in line for another ride we actually had German kids starting to talk to us and explaining to us which of the go carts is the best.

I've seen tourgroups like that abroad (in Italy).

I've always though large tourgroups were evil, this just confirms it.

Oh, and I'm totally going to write a short story or scene comenting on such behavior in a negative light.

It will have a character talking with one of these said leaders and then pointing out that they're just scaring these children, and then to illustrate it, screams "Boo!" at the kids, who all flinch.

And thus, a Running Gag shall be born!

[Mobius]

i'm pretty sure that this article was cited somewhere on the forum (maybe not the same exact artcile) but anyway:
The Telegraph

Day of the dad: paedophilia hysteria leaves men afraid to help

Last Updated: 12:01am GMT 23/03/2006

The inquest on two-year-old Abigail Rae highlighted a sad dilemma, says Tom Leonard

There was one small detail that jumped out at me in the tragic story of Abigail Rae, the two-year-old who wandered off from her village playgroup and ended up dying in a garden pond. Tucked away at the end of yesterday's inquest report was a line about how Clive Peachey, a bricklayer, drove past a child on her own, whom he later concluded had been Abby.

She was not walking straight, she was tottering, said Mr Peachey. "I kept thinking should I go back? One of the reasons I did not go back is because I thought someone would see me and think I was trying to abduct her."
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Without wishing to add to the pain that Mr Peachey must be feeling, I have to say that opinion in my office was divided over his failure to intervene. Everyone agreed it could be filed under "sad sign of the times", but women generally thought his a pathetic excuse, particularly given that Abby was on her own. Men were more sympathetic and one female colleague said she could understand it "in a funny sort of way".

This won't be a funny sort of column. Mr Peachey's experience may be extreme, but knowing how to deal with other people's children is, at the best of times, a pretty humour-free zone.

The inquest didn't hear whether Mr Peachey has children of his own. Many single men manage to pretty much blank children out from their consciousness, so the fact that he even noticed Abby suggests he does (though the fact that he drove on might suggest otherwise). Still, fathers - perhaps most men - will recognise that fear about motives being misinterpreted.

The hysteria over paedophilia hangs like some dark cloud over almost every interaction nowadays between a man and a child that isn't his.

Modern society sends conflicting messages to fathers - you must be more touchy-feely with your own children, but with the rest, you're best advised to keep your touches and feelings to yourself.

And so a dad who can be brilliant with his own brood suddenly becomes hesitant and clumsy simply adjusting the clothing of a daughter's best friend he has known for years.

The playground is perhaps the trickiest locale for dealing with other people's children, whom you are unlikely to know and yet have to talk to and may even have to look after. When, suddenly, the little boy who has been happily playing with your son for 20 minutes falls flat on his face and gets up with a cut on his lip and no grown-ups he knows on hand, what do you do? Well, a mother will rush in with soothing words, pick him up, rub his head gently, maybe even wipe his eyes with a tissue.

And a father? Too often he stands around like a lemon, muttering platitudes as he scours the horizon desperately for the boy's parents, or just anyone he can pass the problem on to.

You comfort but you don't touch. Or in a doctor's case, you diagnose but you don't touch. GPs may get tired of overly worried mums but, my wife has noticed, they'll happily accept her word if it means avoiding physical contact with the young patient.

Sometimes, it's not about wanting to help someone else's child. Quite the contrary, you want to slug the little horror who has just scribbled over your dining table. But of course you don't. In fact, you don't even know whether you should express your displeasure verbally. What will his parents say? Perhaps this "creative expression" is encouraged at home. Are you infringing their human rights if you say anything? Sometimes, the child looks at you as if you are.

This newspaper's chief lawyer probably sums up the memories of many in describing how farmers in north Wales used to greet a little boy with a pat on the head and a coin. Today, when he wants to talk to a child, he makes sure he first gets a smile out of the parent and mentions that he has grandchildren.

Abby would have been too young to know the rules about strangers, but what would have happened if Mr Peachey had stopped to help a slightly older child. Nowadays, the standard advice to lost children is unambiguous - find a police officer or, failing that, a woman with a child.

Note, not a man with a child and certainly not a man without one.

sad times

[montypython]

I had thought something like this was only my imagination, sadly how things have degenerated to the point that innocent people get tarred and feathered because of a few sickos.

[ThatGuyFromThatPlace]

Back when I was Lifeguarding, a good friend of mine (older gentleman, generally a good guy) Was swimming and some lady came up and asked me to keep an eye on her child, making special mention of 'that pedo' which happened to be my aforementioned friend.

Luckily, our policy at the pool was that it's the parents job to watch over their kids and that we are only a safety precaution and for general pool maintenance, so when I told her to go fuck herself and apologize to my friend, the Supervisor backed me up.


Suspecting people of being Predators is one thing, and leaving your kid at the pool is another, but Both? What went through her head that it was okay to leave her kid alone in a pool full of people she obviously suspected would like nothing better than to take her kid out behind the restroom?

[weemadando]

This happened to me a few weeks ago. I was at Chadstone (a large mall) and sitting on the ground outside a store was a boy, aged about 3-4, looking lost and like he'd been crying. No parents to be seen nearby.

Now, I would have felt better had I helped him. But given the risk of someone shouting: "paedo!", I just kept walking past the lost, crying kid. As I wandered I saw several other people looking like they were having similar reactions.

And five minutes later, the kid was still sitting there without a parent. But I walked away, because of the fucking society in which we live. Hurrah.

[Straha]

I remember I was in a park downtown (Tompkins Square I believe?) by a playground once when a man walked by and started taking pictures of the buildings around the park through the trees and a park employee came up to him and told him to leave immediately or else she'd call the cops. The guy said a few angry words but left right away (understandably) and the park employee (a woman) and a mother shared a look and a small verbal exchange making it clear that not only were they skeptical but that they thought he was despicable for taking pictures anywhere near children like that...

[CaptainChewbacca]

It sucks, and I worry about times when I may have to look after my nephews or nieces by myself. A friend of mine, a good man and a pastor, has told me several times that he will never, under any circumstances, leave his daughter in the care of any man who isn't a blood relative. No male babysitters, nothing.

Truly disconcerting, and I wish I could think of how to change it.

[Flagg]

This happened to me a few weeks ago. I was at Chadstone (a large mall) and sitting on the ground outside a store was a boy, aged about 3-4, looking lost and like he'd been crying. No parents to be seen nearby.

Now, I would have felt better had I helped him. But given the risk of someone shouting: "paedo!", I just kept walking past the lost, crying kid. As I wandered I saw several other people looking like they were having similar reactions.

And five minutes later, the kid was still sitting there without a parent. But I walked away, because of the fucking society in which we live. Hurrah.

Not to be too big a dick, but that makes you a total asshole. In that situation you either use your cellphone to contact the police or keeping the child in view you go into the store and tell an employee that there is a lost child outside and wait near the kid in full view of others until someone else can take responsibility for them.

[Big Orange]

Babies and toddlers are, almost universally, astronomically cute. So cute that it encourages you to instinctively nurture or gently dote over them as nature intended, yet there is a minority of male sickos that "love" small children as nature does not intend, but that is more than enough to make many parents wary of male strangers almost to point of being paranoiacs.

A infant school is located very close to were I live and everytime the young kids go out, I always cross the road opposite the side of the school gates, holding my head up and look straight ahead not making eye contact in the hope of not being mistaken of being a sicko-sex-stalker-child-catcher. I can also remember an incident at a cinema back in the mid 1990s when my late grandfather was worried of being seated a few rows behind several pre-teen boys and we had to move away, but I did not fully understood why at the time although I vaguely knew about pedophilia.

I tend view this as reverse sexism and I know full well how underhanded and mean spirited some bitches can be in picking up on negligibly small or wrongly perceived transgressions and then viciously stabbing people in the back over them...

[Darth Wong]

How often are men actually charged with sexual assault for getting anywhere near a kid? I'm not talking about the sort of anecdotal evidence that people normally rely on for "society is falling apart" articles of this nature; I'm talking about real statistics.

[Turin]

Not to be too big a dick, but that makes you a total asshole. In that situation you either use your cellphone to contact the police or keeping the child in view you go into the store and tell an employee that there is a lost child outside and wait near the kid in full view of others until someone else can take responsibility for them.

Yeah... while I certainly sympathize with my fellow men over this issue, at the same time you have to be willing to take the risk of getting harassed if it means a child might be in actual, real danger.

Example from just the other day, some dumbass twat is walking with her 4-5 year old boy in a residential neighborhood. The alley/street she's coming down is at right-angles to the sidewalk I'm walking down. The kid takes off towards the street and the mother is standing there like a fucking retard 30-40' away, yelling at her kid "David, stop right now!" Needless to say the kid is not stopping and about to run into the street. I'm within a stride or two and so move to intercept the kid.

Now children that age, as some of you will know, are like roaches or flies in that they have little hairs on their heads that detect incoming adults and cause the child to automatically veer away from them. In this case, the child steers away from me and is about to head onto the street. I snatch the kid's arm (as gently as possible) to stop him. The kid, totally oblivious to the danger, turns right around and heads back towards his mother, smiling. A second later, a car passes at ~40mph.

Do I get a thank you? Of course not, I got a really nasty and accusatory look. But I'd rather have a hundred nasty looks, or even be falsely accused of hurting a child, than have stood their like a shit and actually let that kid get splattered all over the road. Generalize this to whatever similar situation you care to.

[Flagg]

How often are men actually charged with sexual assault for getting anywhere near a kid? I'm not talking about the sort of anecdotal evidence that people normally rely on for "society is falling apart" articles of this nature; I'm talking about real statistics.

I don't know. But with cases like McMarten and the way that even a charge that is shown to be totally baseless and false can ruin someone for life, it's a real fear for alot of men, myself included. There is always this assumption that children would never lie about something like this.

[Darth Wong]

How often are men actually charged with sexual assault for getting anywhere near a kid? I'm not talking about the sort of anecdotal evidence that people normally rely on for "society is falling apart" articles of this nature; I'm talking about real statistics.

I don't know. But with cases like McMarten and the way that even a charge that is shown to be totally baseless and false can ruin someone for life, it's a real fear for alot of men, myself included. There is always this assumption that children would never lie about something like this.

The question is whether we are engaging in baseless fear-mongering. The fact is that you can come up with individual cases to scare you about almost anything you do. There have been cases where somebody slowed down to help someone who appeared to have car trouble and was immediately carjacked and murdered. Why don't you see people ranting about how this is happening everywhere and all people everywhere should take every conceivable measure to prevent it?

As I said, if we don't know how often this is happening, then we don't really know if it's a problem.

[TheDarkling]

How often are men actually charged with sexual assault for getting anywhere near a kid? I'm not talking about the sort of anecdotal evidence that people normally rely on for "society is falling apart" articles of this nature; I'm talking about real statistics.

I would be surprised if it wasn't extremely rare, it is mainly fear since being branded a paedophile is going to elicit guilty until ... well just guilty once the accusation is out there.

On top of that being a paedophile is viewed (with fairly good reason) as one of the worst things possible (certainly worse than the run of the mill murderer).

Add in the oft mentioned accusatory glances and it just seems like a good idea to avoid kids (although extending that to kids who are seemingly in danger is rather morally dubious).

It is simply about weighing the possibility and magnitude of the risk against the advantages to be gained from contact with children (or hitch hikers, people broken down at the side of the road or any of the other things people refrain from doing out of fear).