An Exit Strategy by Ted Kennedy

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2005-01-30 12:40am

http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/

It Is Finally Time To Exit The Oldsmobile

Iowahawk Guest Commentary by Senator Edward M. Kennedy

Like all Americans, I had high hopes for the future of the Oldsmobile and its passengers, as we struggle against the onrushing water and its poorly-designed shoulder belts. But as claustrophobia sets in we must begin to sober up and face the truth: hope is no longer an option.

It is time for us to recognize that our continued presence in this volatile region is a hinderance to the Oldsmobile and its people. Rather than helping the situation we are further weighing down the Oldsmobile, causing it to sink faster and faster into the quagmire of Chappaquidick Bay, creating a dangerous situation for both ourselves as well as its passengers who are desperately seeking an air pocket in which to start a better life.

That is why I believe we have reached the point where we must take a deep breath and immediately depart the Oldsmobile. We must seek through the watery darkness and release the belt latch of madness that has kept us here, and reach out for a sane and honorable window crank.

Obviously there will be passengers in the Oldsmobile who do not want us to leave, and will likely try to grasp and grab at our feet as we depart. While we wish them success, it is critical that these passengers quickly learn independence and self-determination. The most effective way to teach them is through example, and with a vigorous kick-off. Let us hope they will cherish our shoes as a lasting legacy of our commitment to liberty.

And, after we return to the safety of the American shore and phone our lawyer, we must begin to ask the hard questions. How did we get here? The sad answer is that we were sold a lie by Gene Quinlan of Hyannisport Oldsmobile-Buick-GMC. We were told that this Oldsmobile had the Delta 88 Royale option package with 6-way electric seats. We were told that they were sold out of the new '69 Toronado. We were given a choice of a burgundy vinyl roof, but never given an exit strategy. We were told, repeatedly, that the Oldsmobile was waterproof and had an automatic pilot system. In short, Gene Quinlan sold us a lie.

There will be ample time for us to reflect on the mistakes and lies of the Oldsmobile misadventure, and hold those who were responsible to account. But that is for another day. Now we must focus our energy on getting out before it is too late.

Come home, America. Come home.

MKSheppard · Post by **MKSheppard** » 2005-01-30 12:50am

bwwhahahahahaahah

Pick · Post by **Pick** » 2005-01-30 12:57am

It made me snort in the most cynical way I believe I ever had. Got to hand it to that guy....

Knife · Post by **Knife** » 2005-01-30 01:34am

Honest to god, I didn't see it coming.

ahahhahahaahahahahhahah

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2005-01-30 01:44am

That's pretty damn harsh to bring up a decades-old political scandal.

God bless America.

Chmee · Post by **Chmee** » 2005-01-30 01:45am

Any good humor from cave paintings in France to pass on?

Knife · Post by **Knife** » 2005-01-30 01:55am

Chmee wrote:Any good humor from cave paintings in France to pass on?

If so, Teddy would be presenting it. I understand political dynasties, but I don't really get "happy hour ted".

Chmee · Post by **Chmee** » 2005-01-30 01:58am

Knife wrote:
Chmee wrote:Any good humor from cave paintings in France to pass on?
If so, Teddy would be presenting it. I understand political dynasties, but I don't really get "happy hour ted".

I usually refer to him as 'Jabba the Kennedy' .... he has a lot of policy positions I admire, I think he'd be a damned interesting guy to sit down and discuss history over a couple Scotches with, and if he showed the slightest interest in a female member of my family, I'd kneecap him.

Knife · Post by **Knife** » 2005-01-30 02:00am

Chmee wrote:f so, Teddy would be
I usually refer to him as 'Jabba the Kennedy' .... he has a lot of policy positions I admire, I think he'd be a damned interesting guy to sit down and discuss history over a couple Scotches with, and if he showed the slightest interest in a female member of my family, I'd kneecap him.

I find him a raving lunatic, but so goes life.

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2005-01-30 02:24am

So basically, yet another right wing nut brings up Chappaquiddick as though it has anything to do with anything... I shouldn't be surprised...

and I'm not.

Frank Hipper · Post by **Frank Hipper** » 2005-01-30 02:28am

'67 Oldsmobiles didn't have shoulder belts.
Clearly, because of this flaw in research, the entire piece of satire is to be dismissed.

JME2 · Post by **JME2** » 2005-01-30 02:56am

I expected nothing less from the real-life Jabba the Hutt...

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2005-01-30 04:06am

bah!, penthouse did a better parody with "Kennedy should have bought a Volkswagen", back when the scandel was still a hot topic, not as cold and dead as Mary Jo's unborn child.

CJvR · Post by **CJvR** » 2005-01-30 07:32am

LOL!
Most amusing.

How TK managed to have a political career after that mess is something of a mystery, but if you are part of the political nobility then minor things like that can't keep one down for long.

Col. Crackpot · Post by **Col. Crackpot** » 2005-01-30 08:30am

Iceberg wrote:So basically, yet another right wing nut brings up Chappaquiddick as though it has anything to do with anything... I shouldn't be surprised...

and I'm not.

oh please. If Ted Kennedy was an average citizen he'd have gone to jail, not congress.

Patrick Degan · Post by **Patrick Degan** » 2005-01-30 08:59am

Iceberg wrote:So basically, yet another right wing nut brings up Chappaquiddick as though it has anything to do with anything... I shouldn't be surprised...

Of course. Because it's so obvious that the best rebuttal to the substance of Kennedy's statements about withdrawing from Iraq is a cheap ad-hominem attack.

BTW:

Democrat Ted Kennedy calls for withdrawal of US troops from Iraq
PM - Friday, 28 January , 2005 17:30:00
Reporter: John Shovelan

TANYA NOLAN: As President Bush calls for resolve in the face of attempts by insurgents to undermine the elections, a US Senator is calling for American troops to be withdrawn from Iraq. The liberal Democrat Ted Kennedy says the US military is now part of the problem.

But, as Washington correspondent John Shovelan reports, even members of Senator Kennedy's own party don't agree.

JOHN SHOVELAN: Ted Kennedy calls the war in Iraq President Bush's Vietnam.

TED KENNEDY: This is Vietnam again.

JOHN SHOVELAN: And just a few days before the Iraqi elections, Senator Kennedy urged the administration for a specific commitment to withdraw all US troops over the next year, beginning with an immediate withdrawal of 12,000 and completing it by early 2006.

Senator Kennedy says the war in Iraq has become a war against the US.

TED KENNEDY: We must learn from our mistakes. We must recognise what a large and growing number of Iraqis now believe – the war in Iraq has become a war against the American occupation.

JOHN SHOVELAN: Some polls suggest 92 per cent of Iraqis see the US as an occupation force.

Senator Kennedy has previously described the war as a fraud made up in Texas, and said the administration misled the people about the threats leading up to it.

Now he says the US forces and the insurgents are battling for the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people, and the US is losing.

TED KENNEDY: We have reached the point that a prolonged American military presence in Iraq is no longer productive for either Iraq or the United States. The US military presence has become part of the problem, not part of the solution.

We need a serious course correction. And we need it now. We must make it for the American soldiers who are paying with their lives.

JOHN SHOVELAN: Democrats this week launched a blistering attack on the administration's Iraq policy, and forced a nine-hour debate on the nomination of the President's Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, while the White House has begun implementing an aggressive plan which paints the Iraq election and the US commitment there as vital to its interests.

But it's a communication strategy which is struggling. A Wall Street Journal poll has found 52 per cent of people don't believe the war in Iraq was worth it.

Despite this public slump in support, the Democrat warhorse, Senator Kennedy's view wasn't supported by fellow Democrat Senator Bill Nelson.

BILL NELSON: If we turn tail and pull out, the place would erupt into civil war, there would be all kind of chaos. Terrorism loves a vacuum, the terrorists would fill it.

JOHN SHOVELAN: The White House has refused to discuss a time line for troop withdrawal, saying the goal first is to ensure Iraqis are capable of maintaining their own security.

John Shovelan, Washington.

Just to drag some inconvenient relevancy back into the discussion.

MKSheppard · Post by **MKSheppard** » 2005-01-30 10:14am

Iceberg wrote:So basically, yet another right wing nut brings up Chappaquiddick as though it has anything to do with anything... I shouldn't be surprised...

and I'm not.

And I'm not surprised. I made a bet with Joe that someone would find this
unfunny. YOU are that someone.

MKSheppard · Post by **MKSheppard** » 2005-01-30 10:26am

Patrick Degan wrote:Of course. Because it's so obvious that the best rebuttal to the substance of Kennedy's statements about withdrawing from Iraq is a cheap ad-hominem attack.

M21Sniper wrote:This is from a good friend of mine, Senior USAF NCO, whom i can confirm works at SOCOM in Tampa:

"I'm sitting here in the Intel Watch, watching Predator feed live. It's 0945 in Iraq, and the Pred has flown over three polling places so far...and the lines are huge. There are people - LOTS of people - coming into the frame from just off the field of view, and they keep coming. They are standing in a line that any American voter would give up on...and they are under a serious, credible death threat for just being there.

I admire what I am seeing, and I'm proud to have contributed to this. If anybody (including Senator Kennedy) wants to know what it has all been about, what we thought we would accomplish...he should see the view that I have RIGHT NOW.

I love this job. I love feeling like I have done something good with my life."

MKSheppard · Post by **MKSheppard** » 2005-01-30 10:35am

And back on revelance, to defeat Degan's threadjack.

"Do we operate under a system of equal justice under law?
Or is there one system for the average citizen
and another for the high and mighty?"
- Senator Ted Kennedy, 1973 -

Elfdart · Post by **Elfdart** » 2005-01-30 01:19pm

Col. Crackpot wrote:
Iceberg wrote:So basically, yet another right wing nut brings up Chappaquiddick as though it has anything to do with anything... I shouldn't be surprised...

and I'm not.
oh please. If Ted Kennedy was an average citizen he'd have gone to jail, not congress.

Laura Bush ran over and killed a teenager and she got to be first lady. Dubya could have killed someone too, were it not for the Kennebunkport police.

One of the reasons Bush wants to appoint Cornhole Gonzales to attorney general is as a reward for lying in court (to get Dubya off jury duty back when he was governor) and covering up his drunk driving conviction. Gonzales lied to the Senate about it too. So essentially we've had little boys being anally raped at Abu Ghraib because Dubya is so ashamed of getting liquored up and trying to drive three decades ago.

At least Ted Kennedy didn't claim to find Jesus and kill 100,000 people after his car crash.

MKSheppard · Post by **MKSheppard** » 2005-01-30 01:22pm

Elfdart wrote:Laura Bush ran over and killed a teenager and she got to be first lady. Dubya could have killed someone too, were it not for the Kennebunkport police.

Credible assertatons for these incredible claims, Elfpenis?

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2005-01-30 01:36pm

This time, he's correct. Laura Bush ran a stop sign I guess when she was 17 and slammed into a car with her friend in it, killing him. I can provide a source.

And I suppose it's true that Dubya could have indeed killed someone if the police in Kennebunkport, Maine had not stopped him and given him the DUI.

Axis Kast · Post by **Axis Kast** » 2005-01-30 01:57pm

One of the reasons Bush wants to appoint Cornhole Gonzales to attorney general is as a reward for lying in court (to get Dubya off jury duty back when he was governor) and covering up his drunk driving conviction. Gonzales lied to the Senate about it too. So essentially we've had little boys being anally raped at Abu Ghraib because Dubya is so ashamed of getting liquored up and trying to drive three decades ago.

You can prove that Bush installed Gonzales on the basis of nepotism alone?

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2005-01-30 02:01pm

Axis Kast wrote:
One of the reasons Bush wants [Highlighted by Master of Ossus for Axis Kast's ease of use.] to appoint Cornhole Gonzales to attorney general is as a reward for lying in court (to get Dubya off jury duty back when he was governor) and covering up his drunk driving conviction. Gonzales lied to the Senate about it too. So essentially we've had little boys being anally raped at Abu Ghraib because Dubya is so ashamed of getting liquored up and trying to drive three decades ago.
You can prove that Bush installed Gonzales on the basis of nepotism alone?

What part of "one of the reasons" do you not understand?

MKSheppard · Post by **MKSheppard** » 2005-01-30 02:08pm

Joe wrote:This time, he's correct. Laura Bush ran a stop sign I guess when she was 17 and slammed into a car with her friend in it, killing him. I can provide a source.

Found it on Snopes:

Linka

Then there are the circumstances of the crash. It was 8 pm on a November night in Texas on roads far removed from any town, so it was dark. With no stop sign facing him, the doomed young man would have had no reason to slow his vehicle even if he had seen another car approaching the intersection. He therefore would have been travelling at least 50 mph. Laura Welch ran the stop sign facing her, so there is reason to assume she too was going approximately 50 mph, the speed she would have been doing if she'd had the right of way.

....

So 17-year-old Laura Welch did cause the death of a friend by running a stop sign, but to see more in the story than that is to surrender oneself up to baseless imaginings. Yes, it is always easier to attribute malice to bad outcomes, but that does not mean malice is an integral component of tragedy, especially those involving people Fate later chooses to exalt.

According to George and Laura: Portrait of an American Marriage, Laura Welch did not find out that the driver of the other vehicle had died at the scene until later when she and her girlfriend were being treated at the hospital. And she did not learn his identity until later still, when her parents arrived and broke the news to her. It shattered her.

And I suppose it's true that Dubya could have indeed killed someone if the police in Kennebunkport, Maine had not stopped him and given him the DUI.

Yea, now I rememeber, he was driving slow as shit, so slow as shit that
the police pulled him over for driving slow in the fast lane.

Apologies Joe, for you having to do this, but if Elfie told me the sky was
blue, I'd demand multiple independent proof, for he is a categorical liar.