WoW: the Glorious Kolkar Assault on Orgrimmar

[Gil Hamilton]

This is something I wrote ages ago when World of Warcraft first came out and I was still young in the game. I found it while browsing through the archives of my old guilds forums. Enjoy.

In a red dusty stone crag on night, a lone fire flickers, casting long shadows upon the canyon walls. Outside of hide tents, unhuman beings kneel on their four horse legs around the fire, hatching plans to make a terrible war upon their enemies. Grim faces look around to each other and nod, stroking their stringy black beards and preparing themselves to sally forth in the morning.

Then there was the slow clop of approaching hooves on the stone cavern floor as a particularly large centaur emerges from the tent backed by a smaller female centaur, struggling to balance a scroll, inkwell, and several long black quills in her hands. The large centaur looks at his assembled warriors and nods once.

"Shall we begin, gentlemen?", the centaur utters.

The Head Centaur smooths his long wispy beard and draws his sword, drawing a crude map in the sand. "Take this down, Mavis." as the female centaur begins to scribble down dictation on the scroll.

"As you know gentleman, we've been camping in this crag for six month, holding this position against up and coming orcs and troll trying to prove themselves... on the very front lines of our Glorious War of Conquest... what was that, Steve?", the Head Centaur bellowed, glaring at one of the centaur around the fire who had heard this speech before several times and uttered "Stupid" instead of "Glorious".

"Nothing, boss!"

"Anyway... our Glorious War of Conquest. But today is our day! This day, a messenger from Command in the Barrens arrived, having been killed repeatedly and thus had to respawn several times to get here, thus taking some amount of time. He came baring our mobilization orders! Finally is our day to strike at our foes! I have positioned these orders on the grounds of various tents in our crag for reading and safe keeping, but I'd like to read our Orders to attack the Orc Stronghold of Orgrimmar, which we will assault at dawn tomorrow!"

A cry of "We're doomed!" rippled around the fire and Steve kept repeating "Stupid! Stupid!" The centaurs collectively sighed as their boss yelled "ARE YOU ALL QUITE DONE?!"

"Now, the Orders are as follows." the Head Centaur said, clearing his throat and unfurling a scroll.

"To Durotar Forward Assault Force, 21st Kolkar Cavalry Battalion. Bivouaced at Kolkar Crag, Durotar. Stop.
From Kolkar CENTCOM, Desolace, by way of Barrens Forward Assault Force, 15th Kolkar Cavalry Battalion, the Barren. Stop.
Code... Zero One Niner Alpha Fox..."

"Code Zero One Niner Alpha Fox confirmed... orders are authentic." Steve the Centaur said with with all the joy of a Scarlet Crusader in the Undercity. "Bloody hell..." he added under his breath.

"Code confirmed. Your orders are for execution immediate execution on the date of 12-7-6th Year of the Centaur at 0600 hours. Stop.

Durotar Forward Assault Force, 21st Kolkar Cavalry Battalion (hearto refered to as DFAF, 21st KCB) is to procede north to Orgrimmar, by way of Razormane, bypassing the Horde settlement of Razor Hill. Avoid contact with Horde Miliary Garrison at Razor Hill..."

"That's a relief", one of the centaurs muttered.

"...unless your commander sees an opportunity for assault. Stop." the Head Centaur said with extra nastiness to the groaning assembly.

"We have made an arrangement with the Razormane Quillboars to grant us safe passage. Contact with Horde Military Garrison is unlikely, though the possibility exists that Hordeish adventures will be active within Razormane Grounds and the surrounding area. If such a encounter occurs, engage said adventurer one at a time unless you are close to another being attacked, then assist. These orders are double if said adventurer displays dangerous supernatural abilities that would make them a threat to the Glorious War of Conquest by the Kolkar Centaurs. Stop."

"Booo!" "STUPID!"

"Proceed along Thunder Ridge to Orgrimmar Gates. Reconnaisance gathered by the 22nd Kolkar Cavalry Battalion (disbanded due to casualties) has indicated that Thunder Ridge is populated by vicious lightning spewing lizards and Orcish religious fanatics not aligned with the Horde. Engage on contact and avenge your fallen brothers. Stop."

Proceed from Thunder Ridge North by North East to the Gates of the Horde Stronghold of Orgrimmar. The DFAF 21st KCB is to hold position, repeat, hold position and await order to attack. BFAF 15th KCB will deliver assault order, by way of flare. Stop.

When signal is given, the DFAF 21st KCB is to make a frontal assault on the gates of Orgrimmar. Survival is not expected. The goal for success is to congest the gates with so many Kolkar and Horde fallen that supplies cannot enter or exit Orgrimmar, cutting them off."

"Doesn't Orgrimmar have two gates?" Steve the Centaur mused aloud, receiving another withering glare from the Head Centaur.

"BFAF 15th KCB will move across the Southfury River and hold the gate area, preventing clearing of bodies and if necessary, recongest the gate area. Stop.

Signed, Supreme Centaur Richard the Centaur, Kolkar CENTCOM, Desolace. Stop.

Appended...
Request for additional provisions... denied.
Request for body armor and additional weapons... denied.
Request for scorpid anti-venom and other medical supplies... denied.
Request for decorative trappings for hide tents featuring pinup fillies and popular centaur celebrities... approved." (the Head Centaur nodded to a crate sitting in the corner)

"Any questions, gentlemen?" the Head Centaur concluded.

"How do I get out of this lousy outfit?" on of the centaurs asked, without the least bit of cynicism.

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Epilogue:

The Durotar Forward Assault Force, 21st Kolkar Cavalry Battalion did attack the gates of Orgrimmar the next day, despite the plans and orders being burned repeatedly by Horde adventurers, much to the irritation of Mavis the Centaur Secretary. However, all were easily dispatched by Orgrimmar Grunts and their their assault was doomed to failure as the entire DFAF 21st KCB consisted of 12 centaurs... not enough to even inconvenience travel in and out of Orgrimmar.