Let's play: SCRAMming up!

[Scottish Ninja]

Spoiler

Scottish Ninja
You mean the M1911?

Spoiler

Yes. But Ivanov's Russian pride overlooks the fact that it should be the other way around.

HOLD BREATH. PISTOL WHIP the ROBOT with IMITATION AMERICAN TOKAREV.

[FaxModem1]

LOOKS for REPAIR KIT to FIX any HULL BREACH from MISSILE passing.

WCDG then begins fixing up any holes in cockpit to make sure we can LAND without dying.

"I don't want to become a TV dinner."

[FaxModem1]

WHITE CHINESE DELIVERY GUY notices GRAPPLE CONTROL. WHITE CHINESE DELIVERY GUY uses GRAPPLE CONTROL to SCOOP ROBOTIC PROBE and TOSS it at the SUN.

"Just like playing the Crane game at Chuck E Cheese."

[PeZook]

Spoiler

Actually no you are not in the right place, you only moved a couple hundred meters backwards because ivan ivanov did make a mistake

[Shroom Man 777]

GRABS a FLOATING TURD KNIFE and STABS SUAVE PLAYBOY in THE DICK

[Eternal_Freedom]

Ah fuck.

"Thumps controls in rage" WHY. WON'T. YOU. WORK?

[Scottish Ninja]

Spoiler

Actually no you are not in the right place, you only moved a couple hundred meters backwards because ivan ivanov did make a mistake

Spoiler

I for one find it very unlikely that such high-tech Russian mathematics could produce an error.

SCRIBBLE more MATHS on the VIEWSCREEN with the GREASE PENCIL. Work out FLIGHT PATH for LUDICROUSLY DANGEROUS REENTRY followed by ATMOSPHERIC MANEUVERING followed by a BURN back to ORBIT so we can get in the PROPER POSITION to LAND.

[PeZook]

CHAPTER 2: PROBES ON A SPACEPLANE

January 22nd 2025
Wednesday
Wheels Up + 01:04:13

SIMULATION STOPPED

You are now: ZIXINUS, ETERNAL FREEDOM, IVAN IVANOV, WHITE CHINESE DELIVERY GUY, BITCHING BETTY, ROBOTIC PROBE, PHANT and FUCKER NEWTON.

You are on a SPACEPLANE. The SPACEPLANE is FLYING really FAST. It is PILOTED by ETERNAL FREEDOM and ZIXINUS. It is rather CRAMPED. The CONTROLS are CONFIGURED in METRIC UNITS. There is no SCRAM FUEL. There is 40% of MAIN ENGINE FUEL. There is plenty of HYDRAZINE for the APU. There is a HOMICIDAL ROBOTIC PROBE in the CABIN. The SYSTEMS COOLANT is no longer GETTING any HOTTER. The AIR is VENTING from the CABIN.

BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Coolant temperature!
BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Atmosphere leak!
BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Outer door open!

There is much SCREAMING. There is much SHOUTING. There is a ROAR of AIR that is RUSHING OUT of the MAGNIFICENT SPACEPLANE. You are FEELING quite LIGHTHEADED due to LOW AIR PRESSURE.

IVAN IVANOV SCREAMS and FIRES his PISTOL at the UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE. He is VIOLENTLY thrown BACK and SLAMS into the BULKHEAD. It is VERY PAINFUL.

ZIXINUS is PISSING on the ROBOTIC PROBE. The URINE is SPLATTERING all over the COCKPIT and the CABIN.

ZIXINUS Shouts: Close the inner door!

BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Coolant temperature!
BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Atmosphere leak!
BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Outer door open!

ETERNAL FREEDOM Shouts: I can't close the fucking door, your turned off the overrides!

All the PASSENGERS are THROWN to the AIRLOCK by the RUSHING AIR in a MASSIVE MAN HEAP. Except for WHITE CHINESE DELIVERY GUY who wisely STRAPPED IN at the LAST MOMENT. He managed to GRAB an OXYGEN CANDLE and thus can BREATHE.

ZIXINUS is WRESTLING with the ROBOTIC PROBE. They are TUMBLING around the CABIN on the MAN HEAP. The MAN HEAP is TRYING to HOLD ON for DEAR LIFE and not get BLOWN OUT into SPACE. FUCKER NEWTON is LAUGHING like a MANIAC.

BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Atmosphere leak!
BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Outer door open!

ZIXINUS Shouts: No you dumbass, you can close it! Or close the outer door! DO IT ALREADY!

ZIXINUS is ALMOST ASSREAMED, but he MANAGES to BLOCK the ANAL PROBE ATTACHMENT with the AR-15. ETERNAL FREEDOM mumbles SOMETHING and SLAMS the CORRECT BUTTON before PASSING OUT from a LACK OF OXYGEN.

The AIR stops RUSHING OUT as the OUTER AIRLOCK DOOR close and SEAL. Using the OPPORTUNITY, IVAN IVANOV SCREAMS and PISTOL WHIPS the ROBOTIC PROBE.

The ROBOTIC PROBE turns around and VIOLENTLY PENETRATES IVAN IVANOV'S PANTS. ZIXINUS manages to SAVE IVAN IVANOV from an ASSREAMING by INSERTING the MEMORY MODULE into the correct SLOT.

The ROBOTIC PROBE BEEPS and STOPS trying to KILL YOU ALL. At least for the MOMENT.

The PASSENGER CABIN is now PRESSURIZING. The COOLANT TEMPERATURE has DROPPED slightly BELOW 90 DEGREES. BITCHING BETTY still won't SHUT UP, though.

WHITE CHINESE DELIVERY GUY UNSTRAPS his STRAPS and FISHES OUT a REPAIR KIT. He APPLIES a PATCH over the HOLE in the BULKHEAD. You have LOST a lot of OXYGEN.

BITCHING BETTY finally SHUTS UP. For a WHILE at least.

ETERNAL FREEDOM DETERMINES to his DISMAY that your are now over PALESTINE. IVAN IVANOV reacts by SCREAMING and SCRIBBLING MATHS on the WINDSCREEN with his UNREMOVABLE GREASE PENCIL.

You are SMEARED with PEE and VOMIT. It STINKS. Like, A LOT.

You SEE the UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE in FRONT of YOU. There is FIGHTING in its PAYLOAD BAY. It looks VERY UGLY.

What do you do? _

***

Wheels Up + 01:05:31

SIMULATION ENGINE RUNNING
TIMEFLOW INTERRUPTED

You are now: RI'ANN SHAPP, INSANE FILIPINO, SUAVE PLAYBOY, LARGE IRRITABLE DOG and FUCKER NEWTON.

You are on an UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE. The UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE is FREE of its ROCKET BOOSTER. The UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE is VERY CRAMPED. It has now COMPLETELY DEPRESSURIZED. RI'ANN SHAPP is STRAPPED into his SEAT. FILIPINO JANITOR has MUTATED into INSANE FILIPINO and is FIGHITNG SUAVE PLAYBOY in the PAYLOAD BAY. The CONTROLS are in DANGER of being IRREPAIRABLY DAMAGED. There are no SMELLS. The is a LOT of VOMIT and POOP in the CABIN. It is SPLASHING all OVER the INSTRUMENTS and HELMETS.

INSANE FILIPINO has SMEARED a lot of POOP on SUAVE PLAYBOY. SUAVE PLAYBOY has become ENRAGED. He has GAINED a BONUS to his COMBAT ABILITIES. He is STABBING and PUNCHING and HELMETBUTTING and SCREAMING like a MANIAC. He makes many HOLES in INSANE FILIPINO and his SPACESUIT. It is VERY PAINFUL. INSANE FILIPINO'S OXYGEN begins to VENT very QUICKLY.

Suddenly, there is a PING. A HOLE apeears in the UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE. It BEGINS to VENT something.

INSANE FILIPINO manages to GRAB a TURD KNIFE and he STABS SUAVE PLAYBOY in the CROTCH. He PIERCES the SPACE SUIT. It is VERY PAINFUL. SUAVE PLAYBOY LATCHES onto INSANE FILIPINO. They begin TUMBLING away from the UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE. FUCKER NEWTON LAUGHS like a REAL BASTARD.

FUCKER NEWTON Says: Every action is met with an equal and opposite reaction, FUCKFACES!

RI'ANN SHAPP NOTICES a WARNING LIGHT. The LIGHT is BLINKING. There is WRITING next to IT. Something about CO2 LEVELS RISING. RI'ANN SHAPP cannot READ it very WELL. His VISION is quite BLURRY.

LARGE IRRITABLE DOG Says: Man, we are so fucked.

The OXIDIZER begins to MIX with the CLOUD of HYPERGOLIC PROPELLANT in the PAYLOAD BAY.

What do you do? _

[Shroom Man 777]

TWIST the TURD KNIFE REALLY HARD and SMEAR MORE SHIT on the SUAVE PLAYBOY'S HELMET to BLIND HIM

KICK the SUAVE PLAYBOY in the GROIN to DRIVE THE TURD KNIFE DEEPER INTO HIS SCROTUM

LAUGH LIKE A MANIAC

SCREAM:

"THIS IS MY WAY OF THE NINJA!!!!!!!!!!!"

[Darkevilme]

SUAVE PLAYBOY screeches in PAIN and LETS GO of his NEMESIS with one HAND while continueing STABBAGE with the OTHER.

SUAVE PLAYBOY succeeds in PUSHING AWAY his NEMESIS due to THAT FUCKER NEWTON and now tries to CLEAR HIS VISOR so he can see RED again instead of BROWN.

[Zixinus]

TRY to CAREFULLY REMOVE the ANAL PROBE from ROBOT. If necessary, TIE IT DOWN to prevent it from hurting anyone else. Tell IVAN IVANOV to GUARD the thing if it becomes hostile again.

After the combination of adrenaline rush and EXHAUSTION, the DRUGS BEGIN TO WEAR OFF. Examine Phant, make sure that he is OK and him them into his seat if necessary (strap him in as well). SEARCH for any REMAINING OXYGEN CANDLES and CAREFULLY LIGHT THEM UP.

TAKE CO-PILOT's SEAT and STRAP IN. Begin to read DATA. READ OXYGEN LEVELS. USE INSTRUMENTS whether we are anywhere near the RE-ENTRY WINDOW.

Say "Well... That ended a bit better than I hoped. Though remind me of this next time I suggest overriding the safeguards. I have only two questions. Eternal Freedom, do you think you can use the RCS to catch our Playboy over there? I'd rather not leave him behind if I have a choice. That, and I would like to know what's going on with our radiators."

[PeZook]

Spoiler

Just because I don't feel like writing another full update: the whole thing took a mere 15 minutes, so you are still roughly 19 hours 45 minutes from the re-entry window (about 10 orbits).

[Eternal_Freedom]

"I reckon I can get over and pick up the SUAVE PLAYBOY. The AIRLOCK's outer door is open, I'll just carefully scoop him up. As for the radiators, I think that damn robo probe broke it. Now that it's calmed down, maybe we can get it to fix it."

NOTICES the LEAKING PROPELLANT from UNKNOWN BUT HOSTILE SPACEPLANE ahead.

"We might want to wait a few minutes though. I think that spaceplane is about to go boom."

[Shroom Man 777]

GRAB ANOTHER TURD KNIFE and STAB the SUAVE PLAYBOY BETWEEN THE RIBS

[FaxModem1]

"Maybe we can use the grapple controls to fix the radiator?"

[Eternal_Freedom]

"I dunno if it'll reach that far. We'll use that as a backup. If all else fails, we'll send someone out in a spacesuit and do it the hard way."

[Zixinus]

Say "What spacesuit? The only one we have is out there, fighting a man... with a very strange knife. As for the grapple, not a bad idea, but it will only catch missing cargo modules, not EVA units. The computer will simply not target our Playboy. Besides, if we were to catch them in the cargo bay, they would not survive. I don't think we have any other choice but to use the RCS to catch them. Or simply hope that our guy will win and will still have enough sense to get towards us.

Right now though, I think we have bigger problems. We need to pick another landing spot, right now or we'll run out of air. Star City is sadly out. I'll check the computer to see what other choice we have but meanwhile I would like to hear suggestions."

CHECK COMPUTER and CONSULT TABLET to see where else we may LAND that could service the RAVENSTAR.

[Darkevilme]

SUAVE PLAYBOY's HEART is too CLEAN to be DEFILED by SHIT, Although lets not forget THAT FUCKER NEWTON.

SUAVE PLAYBOY recovers the TURDSHOTGUN from the PAYLOAD BAY, that he is MIRACULOUSLY still INSIDE of, as his NEMESIS knocks himself BACKWARDS.

"WITTYNESS." HE declares ambigously and shoots his NEMESIS with the TURDSHOTGUN.

[Scottish Ninja]

Oh SHIT.

REALIZE something EXTREMELY SERIOUS.

Oh FUCK FUCK FUCK.

WE HAVE TRAVELED BACK IN TIME.

It is the FIFTEENTH of MARCH, 2001. Or THEREABOUTS.

No WONDER we're having NO LUCK with the AIRSPACE TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS anymore.
Spoiler

PeZook, I think you can say you're doing something right when you send me scrambling to find batteries to gas up my graphing calculator to figure out Julian dates.

[Eternal_Freedom]

"Time travel? Ah shit. Like we needed any more cliches in this"

[Scottish Ninja]

"I could FIX IT if we can somehow get that SCENARIO EDITOR back again. But otherwise we're STUCK."

[PeZook]

Spoiler

Yeah I forgot to change the date when setting up the photoshoot

I keep making those little mistakes but it seems they just add to the (insane) flavor

Also: this

[Zixinus]

Say "You know, Eternal Freedom the bombs may in fact come very handy now. If I could only recall the address of Orban the First, the self-crowned Emperor. "

[FaxModem1]

"We could become KINGS through the stock market. Prevent natural disasters and being seen as gods. Or we could just land somewhere, open a CD, deposit a few hundred dollars, and come back to the present and make off with the interest.

Anyone remember who won the super bowl in 2002?"

[Eternal_Freedom]

SAY: "New England Patriots by 20-17. I suppose we should warn someone about 9/11 and shi like that.

Man, this job gets weirder and weirder. This ain't what I expected when I signed up!

Those bombs might come in handy then? Haha vindicated.
What's going on witht at other spaceplane? It's still leaking something by the looks of it."