Freeform Infocom Game

[JointStrikeFighter]

examine machine using hands as binoculars.

[Questor]

The machine is a large battering ram, with the words "Chair Reaction" painted on the side in crude letters,

>|

[Jaepheth]

Propose this plan:

Wait till 1am.

Attach flaming rags to the outside of the barrels of tar and/or tallow.

Attach iPod to whores and have it blaring "Ride of the Valkyries".

Have whores drop the wooden molotovs on any seige equipment present until out of barrels, or out of targets (If number of barrels exceeds number of siege engines, use remaining barrels on targets of opportunity). Then have him swoop down and snatch up any generals or other officers by their heads in a jerking, twisting motion and drop them from a height of several stories.

Meanwhile, light the carts of straw on fire and have the talking bear push them towards the army's tents to destroy morale. Begin sniping enemy soldiers from a distance.
When the enemy army is in maximum confusion, the castle's archers begin blanketing the area with flaming arrows and the castle's defending cavalry swoops in to mop up. (Have whores fly to the castle to deliver the plans ahead of time.)

Edit: If possible, cast transmutation spells on barrels to change their contents to napalm.

[JointStrikeFighter]

WHORES points out that that plan seems ridiculously complex and prone to failure.

[Questor]

OOC: Either people arn't getting the references, or they are ignoring them.

IC: WHORES also points out that since the Longsword of Logic is dead, the only magical abilities you have are dark rites, and that you do not have a sniper rifle.

He suggests that you should sneak down the river to the city, and contact the King.

>|

[Jaepheth]

It's faster than digging a tunnel alone.

And safer than allying yourself with a lunatic.

It's easy and relatively safe to abort mid-operation.

It keeps the player almost entirely out of harm's way.

EDIT: I meant sniping by way of our bow and arrows

[Questor]

As you are discussing your plan, you are spotted by patrols from Darkstar's army.

>|

[Enigma]

Ask them why they covered the party with spots and tell them that we are just looking around. Then tell them that the mighty Wong is right behind them. When they are distracted, have WHORES roast them in flames.

[Questor]

As WHORES feast on the roasted Darkstarites, he grows visibly stronger. He leaps in the air and performs aerial acrobatics that are wonders to behold.

>|

[The Yosemite Bear]

Brian the fishing bear begins harrassing farmers for pigs and pitch, along with a cart...

since we can easily roll said cart into enemy camp, light it on fire with WHORES breath weapon, and then watch as pitch covered pigs run amok through the enemy camps scared of talking bears and WHORES.

[Questor]

The pigs run amok, scattering King Darkstar's army. King Darkstar, unfortunately, escapes.

>|

[The Yosemite Bear]

Now what to do with Stewie....

[Questor]

You hear from the ramparts of the castle:

Half an hour left, Stewart. WHERE ARE THOSE CALCULATIONS, MR. NUCLEAR WEAPONS EXPERT? DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO ADMIT YOU WERE LYING?

[Hawkwings]

Approach the castle gates.

[Questor]

You are at the castle gates.

The guard seems to recognize you, but asks your name anyway.

>|

[The Yosemite Bear]

Brian the Fisherbear, WHORES, and the Genocidal guys who killed the trolls.

[Questor]

You are allowed into the city. The guard suggests that you proceed to the castle, and wait for the King.

>|

[generator_g1]

Proceed to the castle and slip the guard five bucks as thanks.

[Enigma]

Also slip the guard some tongue.

[Questor]

You arrive at the castle, and are directed to the steward's office.

>|

[The Yosemite Bear]

get wine from the steward, (oh wrong kind of steward), inquire if the moat is still stocked with dopefish to kill any attackers?

[Questor]

The Steward sends an underling for wine.

"The moat is VERY well stocked. We sacrifice trolls to feed the fish on a regular basis."

"Hero, would it be possible for you to travel to Sir Mary's lands and inform his family that he has passed? We will have finished setting up your peerage by the time you return."

>|

[KrauserKrauser]

Travel to Sir mary's lands, using dark rites at any and all gravesites we happen upon.

[Questor]

You and your army of undead arrive at Riverton.

[KrauserKrauser]

Order undead army to construct platform made of their compatriots to carry me around.

March into town looking for Sir Mary's family.

Instruct skeletal minions to look menacing.