Let's Play: BERF CERTIFICATING IT UP

[MKSheppard]

You fuckfaces.

[MKSheppard]

You are inside a NONDESCRIPT COLLEGE CLASSROOM. It is RAINING INDOORS thanks to FIRE ALARM SPRINKLER SYSTEM ruining everyone's NERD CRED (gadgets).

QUIET STUDENT tries to talk to REAL GODDAMN AMERICAN STUDENT to figure out what he is planning. QUIET STUDENT is up for an IMPROMPTU TRIP to RUSSIA.

STUDENT WEARING STAINED APRON gets up and asks MILDLY DERANGED PHYSICIST what to do.

M.D. PHYSICIST stops his TWITCHING long enough to offer advice.

"Whatever you do, don't kill him."

"Kill who?"

"HIM. HE COMES BACK!" shouts M.D PHYSICIST with a SHRIEK OF HORRER before he goes back to TWITCHING.

STUDENT WEARING STAINED APRON sighs. The man is making no sense. He leaves the room in search of ENGLISH STUDENT as the man SEEMS TO HAVE A PLAN.

He finds ENGLISH STUDENT LURKING OUTSIDE THE MEN'S BATHROOM, WITH A LARGE KNIFE IN HAND.

"Hey man," he says to ENGLISH STUDENT. "Maybe this would work out better than a knife, na?"

With that STAINED APRON STUDENT opens up his BAG and OFFERS NICKEL PLATED PISTOL to ENGLISH STUDENT, who GIGGLES INSANELY.

PUERTORICAN STUDENT passes them, giving them a strange look as he feels the URGE to take A SHIT for some reason.



Entering the MEN'S ROOM, PUERTORICAN STUDENT enters a stall, and while he is PISSING, he overhears FILIPINO JANITOR'S OVERLY CONSPIRATORIAL VOICE.

With a SMIRK, he fills a ROLLED UP WAD OF TOILET PAPER with PISS and SHIT, then throws it over to the JANITOR'S STALL.

In his STALL, INSANE FEELIPINO JANITOR is GESTICULATING WILDLY, speaking the ITALIAN WAY as he carries on his CONVERSATION WITH PERSONS UNKNOWN. Without a thought, the PISSHIT FILLED WAD OF PAPER is batted BACK TO SENDER.

PUERTORICAN STUDENT GROWLS as he WIPES HIS OWN PISSHIT OFF HIM. Leaving the STALL, he moves over and with a MIGHTY KICK, KICKS DOWN the FEELIPINO JANITOR'S STALL DOOR. The FLYING DOOR mashes the JANITOR against the wall, spreading an UNHOLY SHITMIX over the JANITOR'S OVERALLS.

EMERGING from the RUBBLE of the STALL, INSANE JANITOR shrieks in mock horrer. "Know what? Know what? You're all INSANE!"

While he temporarily DISTRACTS PUERTORICAN STUDENT with FEIGNED IGNORANCE, JANITOR reaches behind and FILLS HIS HAND. With BLINDING SPEED, he tosses SHITMIX like a HOWLER MONKEY.

ANGRY PUERTORICAN STUDENT is UP ON HIS GAME and EASILY DODGES SHITMIX.

"You're the crazy one," he shouts. "Imma gonna mash you to the ground, you lunatic!"

ANGRY PUERTORICAN STUDENT rushes into the stall with BLINDING SPEED and GRABS JANITOR BY THE BALLS. With a MIGHTY GRUNT, he PICKS UP JANITOR AND PILEDRIVES HIM INTO SHIT FILLED TOILET.

JANITOR'S HEAD BOUNCES OFF RIM SEVERAL TIMES before ANGRY PUERTO RICAN STUDENT's AIM IMPROVES. He now has the JANITOR where he wants and holds him in the SHIT FILLED TOILET; waiting for JANITOR'S STRUGGLES TO CEASE.

FEELEPINO JANITOR in DESPERATION reaches for the FLUSH lever and PULLS IT.

TOILET BOWL EXPLODES in a BLINDING DETONATION of SHIT AND WATER.

The SHITSPLOSION breaks loose ANGRY PUERTO RICAN STUDENT's GRIP ON JANITOR as the JANITOR is THROWN ACROSS THE BATHROOM.

The SHITSPLOSION quickly FILLS BATHROOM with FINE COATING OF SHIT, including HUNGARIAN STUDENT sitting on the toilet in the OTHER STALL.

Since he is now COATED IN SHIT FROM HEAD TO TOE, FEELIPINO JANITOR is now SHITSCHACH.

SHITSCHACH reaches for his CLEANING PRODUCTS in the corner of the BATHROOM. Specifically...FEELIPINO-GRADE LYSOL, the only product rated to cleanse BALUT. It strangely SMELLS A BIT LIKE ROCKET FUEL.

the source of this glourious liquid is the same mystery that these men seek to solve with the memory-fragments from their previous lives FEELIPINO JANITOR / SHITSCHACH thinks to himself

At the BOTTOM of the LYSOL CAN is a LABEL "made in BAIKONUREK KOSMODROME, BORATISTAN"

UNKNOWN TO ALL the PRIVATIZED ZENOBIAN SPACE AGENCY makes more money from SELLING CLEANING PRODUCTS than from SPACEFLIGHT

Using the LYSOL CAN, SHITSACH IMPROVIZES A FLAMETHROWER OUT OF IT and attacks ANGRY PUERTORICAN STUDENT WITH IT.

The intense HEAT of the LYSOL-CAN FLAMETHROWER triggers the SPRINKLER SYSTEM in the MEN'S BATHROOM. This combined with the COATING OF SHIT HE IS COVERED IN, work to reduce PUERTORICAN STUDENT'S INJURIES from LIFE THREATENING TO MINOR BURNS.

BURNING SHIT-COVERED PUERTORICAN STUDENT kicks SHITSARCH upside the head, knocking SHITSARCH hard against a row of MENS URINALS so hard that HE SMASHES THROUGH THEM.

SHAKING the DUST from the SMASHED URINALS off him, SHITSARCH sweeps his leg in a BRUTAL KICK, knocking BURNING SHIT COVERED PUERTORICAN STUDENT'S LEGS OUT FROM UNDER HIM.

As BURNING STUDENT collapses to the floor, the FLAMES begin to SMOTHER themselves from the SPRINKLER DRIZZLE.

Giggling INSANELY, SHITSARCH reapplies SHITMIX to his face, as it is a natural FIRE RETARDANT and RUSHES OUT OF MEN'S ROOM, making GOOD ON HIS ESCAPE.



You are ENGLISH STUDENT and APRON WEARING STUDENT. You are STANDING OUTSIDE MEN'S ROOM. YOU ARE ARMED WITH NICKEL PLATED PISTOLS.

You hear SHOUTING, and MOMENTS LATER, BROWN WATER begins to wash out from under the DOOR TO MENS ROOM.

The DOOR TO MEN'S ROOM SLAMS OPEN. A MAN COVERED IN SHIT RUSHES OUT AND HITS YOU.

RECOVERING YOUR WITS, you REALIZE that SHIT-COVERED MAN is FEELIPINO JANITOR.

"I remember you," says APRON WEARING STUDENT. "I remember what a literal asshole you were."

With that, APRON WEARING STUDENT FIRES.

The BULLET HITS FEELIPINO JANITOR / SHITSARCH SQUARE IN THE FOREHEAD, and he CRUMPLES TO THE GROUND in an UNHOLY MIX OF BRAINSHITMIX.

IT FEELS STRANGELY ANTICLIMATIC.

There is a WAIL OF SIRENS. ENGLISH STUDENT seems to realize that he is STANDING OVER A CORPSE WITH A PISTOL IN HAND, and makes a BREAK FOR IT, after RIFLING THROUGH JANITOR'S POCKETS, recovering SMALL CHANGE, LYSOL CAN, and JANITOR'S WALLET.

APRON WEARING STUDENT ALSO MAKES A BREAK FOR IT.

[what do you do]

[FaxModem1]

STUDENT WEARING APRON grabs ENGLISH STUDENT and drags him to CLASSROOM. They then hide NICKEL PLATED PISTOLS in BACKPACK.

"Come on man, let's go somewhere where we can think this through."

[Eternal_Freedom]

ENGLISH STUDENT CONTINUES RUNNING, STOPPING BRIEFLY to HAND the NICKEL PLATED PISTOL to a TERRIFIED-LOOKING FRESHMAN, who is PROMPTLY BRUTALISED by the SWAT TEAM.

ENGLISH STUDENT then RESUMES LURKING, KNOWING the JANITOR CANNOT be KILLED so EASILY. HE must have a SHITKNIFE RAMMED THROUGH HIS CHEST, HOISTING HIM with his OWN SMELLY PETARD.

[Force Lord]

PUERTO RICAN STUDENT GROANS, sees SHITSARCH on the floor, BLEEDING TO DEATH. Decides to PICK HIM UP and RUN LIKE HELL.

[Zixinus]

HUNGARIAN hides possibly incriminating items (swiss army knife, storm lighter) in hidden hole and makes a solid ALIBI for the arriving SWAT officials.

Decides to OPEN FLYER and TAKE A PISS, to give better credibility to his ALIBI.

It is not hard. He did not do anything but go to the toilet.

With his free (and poop-free hand) HUNGARIAN checks his CELLPHONE's STOPPER application.

"Less than five minutes till the outbrake of violence. Nice bunch of people."

HUNGARIAN formulates PLAN to STRAIGHTEN out his IDENTITY using INCESTS, the guiding voice of a SHAMAN located in a remote area and HALLUCINOGENIC DRUGS.

[FaxModem1]

APRON WEARING STUDENT, upon HIDING of NICKEL PLATED PISTOL, goes back into the PHYSICIST's CLASSROOM and yells, "Someone's been shot.", knowing it will ensue chaos and make it easier to get away.

[Zixinus]

OOC: To clarify a few things.

I opened the zipper on the pants.
Also, by INCEST I actually meant INCENSE.

[FaxModem1]

Spoiler

I was wondering if we were getting an entire new side to your character.

[PeZook]

It sounds better with incest.



POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT is SITTING on the STEPS of the MAIN CAMPUS BUILDING. He is CURSING in a STRANGE and ARCANE LANGUAGE as he ATTEMPTS to make his NERD CREDENTIALS work again.

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT is SHOCKED when he hears GUNFIRE. He is SHOCKED even MORE when a SWAT TEAM rushes and BEATS him UP.

VICIOUSLY.

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT attemps to ASK a QUESTION and is TASERED in RESPONSE. He tries to COMPLAIN about POLICE BRUTALITY and is TASERED, MACED, KICKED and BEAT UP once MORE.

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT tries to do a SEAN CONNERY and INAPPROPRIATELY QUOTE some OSCAR WILDE, but chooses to lose CONSCIOUSNESS instead.

[MKSheppard]

You are ENGLISH STUDENT and APRON WEARING STUDENT. You are STANDING OUTSIDE MEN'S ROOM. YOU ARE ARMED WITH NICKEL PLATED PISTOLS, one of which is SMOKING.

Beneath you is JANITOR. His BRAINS have been FREEDOMIZED by the pistol round, and now lie SPLATTERED ALL OVER THE FLOOR. HE IS QUITE DEAD.

After a moment's SHOCK, APRON WEARING STUDENT drags ENGLISH STUDENT away from CRIME SCENE.

"Come on man, let's go somewhere where we can think this through," he says.

As ENGLISH STUDENT and APRON WEARING STUDENT FLEE THE SCENE OF THE CRIME, ENGLISH STUDENT STOPS BRIEFLY to HAND the NICKEL PLATED PISTOL to a TERRIFIED-LOOKING FRESHMAN, INCRIMINATING HIM AS WELL.

APRON WEARING STUDENT notices this, and shouts into NONDESCRIPT CLASSROOM "Someone's been fucking shot!" to cause CHAOS, allowing an EASIER GETAWAY.

The door to the MENS BATHROOM opens, and SLIGHTLY SINGED PUERTO RICAN STUDENT steps out and SLIPS ON BRAIN MATTER.

He gets a very CLOSE UP LOOK of the GAPING WOUND CAVITY in JANITOR'S SKULL. HE FEELS VERY SICK as he BACKS AWAY FEARFULLY.



You are HUNGARIAN STUDENT. You are COVERED IN A FINE LAYER OF SHIT.

You hear a pistol shot from outside, and decide to HIDE ANY POSSIBLY INCRIMINATING ITEMS in a HIDDEN HOLE that you SOMEHOW FOUND.

While you TAKE A PISS to PROVIDE A SOLID ALIBI, you CHECK your CELL PHONE's STOPWATCH app.

"Less than five minutes till the outbreak of violence. Nice bunch of people," you mutter as you ATTEMPT TO CLEAN SHIT OFF YOU.

He decides to, if he ESCAPES THIS, to FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH HIS HEAD using INCENSE, and the GUIDING VOICE OF A SHAMAN on the SALISH-SHIDE RESERVATION outside SEATTLE.

That and lots of HALLUCINOGENIC DRUGS.



POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT is SITTING on the STEPS of the MAIN CAMPUS BUILDING. He is CURSING in a STRANGE and ARCANE LANGUAGE as he ATTEMPTS to make his NERD CREDENTIALS work again.

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT is SHOCKED when he hears GUNFIRE. He is SHOCKED even MORE when a SWAT TEAM rushes and BEATS him UP.

VICIOUSLY.

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT attemps to ASK a QUESTION and is TASERED in RESPONSE. He tries to COMPLAIN about POLICE BRUTALITY and is TASERED, MACED, KICKED and BEAT UP once MORE.

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT tries to do a SEAN CONNERY and INAPPROPRIATELY QUOTE some OSCAR WILDE, but chooses to lose CONSCIOUSNESS instead.

The VICIOUS SWAT TEAM enters the BUILDING as UNCONSCIOUS POLISH STUDENT is ZIP TIED.

[what do you do?]

[KhorneFlakes]

PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN wakes up in a BERSERK FURY. Ripping HOT BABE's taser from her hands, PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN somehow sets it to INSANE KILLFUCK mode. Zapping HOT BABE with the taser, she VIOLENTLY EXPLODES into a BLOODY MESS. PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN begins MURDERISING the BLOODY MESS to ensure that HOT BABE does not somehow SURVIVE AGAINST THE ODDS.

RUNNING REALLY GODDAMN FAST, PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN finds the nearest POLICE STATION and LOCKS himself in one of the cells. He EATS the key and somehow obtains VARIOUS sheets of second-grade STEEL. PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN nails these to the CELL as a MAKESHIFT BARRICADE. PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN CALMS DOWN somewhat and WAITS for the SWAT TEAM to inevitably CATCH UP. PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN becomes UNUSUALLY FOCUSED and reverts to POTENTIALLY PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN.

[MKSheppard]

PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN wakes up and RIPS HOT BABE's TASER from her hands. Setting it to INSANE KILLFUCK MODE, he's about to use it on HOT BABE when the SWAT TEAM comes barrelling in through the door. Due to his PSYCHOTIC BREAK, he doensn't HEAR the SWAT TEAM telling him to GET ON THE GROUND, and is SHOT REPEATEDLY.

YOU ARE NOW CRITICALLY WOUNDED AUSTRALIAN.

[Shroom Man 777]

YES

[Simon_Jester]

Spoiler

Yeah, the gratuitous misogynistic obsessive violence is just... disturbing and lame, really. I'm not sure keeping KF on is such a great idea.

I know that part of the fun of "IT UP" games is people trying to kill each other in bursts of violent psychosis, but here there's practically no attempt to do anything but that, and about half the activity in the game so far seems to be from people with nothing else on their minds but PvP violence. How are you guys ever going to see the world and do hilarious things if you can't stop killfuckdeathmurderizing each other for five minutes?

[FaxModem1]

Spoiler

Well, let's see if we can change things a bit then.

STUDENT WEARING APRON drags ENGLISH STUDENT to CAR. Using CAR KEY, STUDENT WEARING APRON drives both of them to TRIAD SAFEHOUSE. SAFEHOUSE looks suspiciously like an abandoned Burger King restaurant and smells of french fries.

"Okay, let's think this through. What year is it? Where is the Ravenstar? How did we get here? Why did we forget, and then remember? Who should we go to for help?

[Scottish Ninja]

QUIET STUDENT, while lying on the FLOOR, takes the MEMORY CARD out of his VIDEO CAMERA and puts it in an ENVELOPE addressed to the POLICE.

QUIET STUDENT then vanishes like a WRAITH NINJA when the SWAT TEAM leaves and heads out the FRONT DOOR. He stops to free POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT.

QUIET STUDENT explains that he plans to head for WASHINGTON SAINT REAGAN NATIONAL AIRPORT, and use his power of AIRLINE EMPLOYEE RELATIVE to hang out in the ADMIRAL'S CLUB.

QUIET STUDENT looks through his BAG. He turns up SIX PASSPORTS. This is FOUR MORE than he remembers having. ONE is conveniently RUSSIAN. He uses his SMARTPHONE to list himself on a FLIGHT to DALLAS/FORT WORTH, though without the INTENTION of actually getting on.

[PeZook]

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT is in some SERIOUS PAIN. POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT has no INTENTION of actually FLYING ANYWHERE, as he is very MEEK and SUBMISSIVE to AUTHORITY.

Especially the sort of AUTHORITY that is HEAVILY ARMED and VIOLENT.

However, as POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT is in PAIN and barely COMPREHENDS what is GOING ON, he AGREES to anything the QUIET STUDENT proposes.

[Scottish Ninja]

GHETTO EDIT: I'm presuming that we're somewhere in Maryland or northern Virginia, of course.

[Scottish Ninja]

OOC: Also, Salish-Sidhe? Is this supposed to be post-Awakening or was that just a Shadowrun-induced brain fart?

[Eternal_Freedom]

ENGLISH STUDENT REFUSES POINT BLANK to GO ANYWHERE with APRON-WEARING STUDENT.

"No way man. I remember how much shit we wound up in after getting involved with the Triads last time around. I'm getting the fuck out of here, lying low and then I'm going to finish off that shitfaced janitor. I don't give a flying fuck about the Ravenstar right now."

A NEW memORY SURFACES...

"Although, that full-power take-off from the hanger was pretty exciting...."

[FaxModem1]

"See, wasn't that exciting, and to be fair, it was never the Triad that got us in trouble, it was the Russian companies and Australian military that was the real trouble."

[Force Lord]

PUERTO RICAN STUDENT decides to wash off JANITOR'S BLOOD, and runs away from the scene LIKE HELL.

[Scottish Ninja]

QUIET STUDENT considers the SITUATION and decides that POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT really is in no condition to fly anywhere.

QUIET STUDENT offers POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT a TYLENOL in the MEANTIME, and offers to drive him to a HOSPITAL or the POLISH EMBASSY.

[FaxModem1]

Spoiler

I'm glad the violence is subsiding, even if its just everyone running for their lives.