The Thanasiad [CKII LP] [NO 56k]

[Kingmaker]

I mean, if everyone already knows you're a murderer, you can hardly afford to disappoint them.

[Alyrium Denryle]

I came out of a several year-long lurk just to say go for it.

Do it for Maxentius! Do it for the Seals! Do it for Merkel!

[Shinn Langley Soryu]

We already know that Despot Traianus killed a guy when he was 10. He can definitely kill again. Also, Thanas is just two letters away from Thanatos.

Make an example of Basileus Pankratios. Let everyone know that death awaits all who dare stand in the way of House Thanatos.

[LaCroix]

*whispers* The knob... Remember the knooooooob...

I mean - it's the obvious thing to do for a man with your talents. (And so many of them ) You can certainly afford to hire a cupbearer that can be trusted.

[FaxModem1]

I have no hatred for the boy, but he is the next rung on the ladder, and the ladder needs be climbed. Kill him.

[TheHammer]

Quick question, is this game being played in Ironman Mode, or Marty McFly mode?

[Thanas]

The latter but only because ironman saves get corrupted. So I don't reload if things go south.

Update probably tomorrow or sunday.

[Thanas]

So....notice how I wrote about saves getting corrupted? Guess what just happened.
Thankfully I had an autosave from one month earlier.


THE QUEST FOR THE PURPLE


After a lot of bribery (around 500 gold)....

the plot began to take shape.


The traitors of Taranto finally decided to embrace our rightful rule.



Meanwhile, in Constantinople, people started to disappear.....

....only to reappear with certain body parts missing.


More and more people were either castrated or blinded. The boy emperor took no prisoners.


....even blinding and castrating children as young as 3 years old.

(I spare you the other eight pictures of people blinded and castrated).

We betrothed our son to the daughter of the duke of Epirus.


However, due to the endless waves of castrations, our plot collapsed.

We prepared for the inevitable fight. For we were pretty certain the Emperor knew what we were doing now.

We started a faction.

As soon as the Emperor realized that we were willing to fight and noticed the size of our forces (he had wasted most of his in putting down a peasant rebellion) he tried to bribe us by finally transferring the vassal contract of the disputed Thema to us.


We however knew that it was just a matter of time before the varangians would come for us.


We assembled our forces and hired Bulgarian and Rus mercenaries.

Finally, when we had assembled a force 13000 strong, we sent Joffrey the boy emperor an ultimatum.

The time of knives was over. The time of swords had come.

Taking our fleet into the Aegean sea, we noticed several stacks of troops on their way to the straits of ortranto. We jumped on one of the smaller armies.


Just as we were achieving victory, a horn signalled the arrival of the most fearsome force in history - the varangian guard.

The battle was hard fought.

The varangians, although being outnumbered 2:1, ,smashed our left flank. Our center and their center fled. Finally, the Varangian losses proved too much and they broke under the weight of our right flank, where we had stationed our bulgarians.


Joffrey The boy emperor celebrated his defeat by blinding another women.

Reinforced by some reraised levies, we smashed through to Constantinopolis, where the tattered remains of the Army of the Partriarch and the Varangians were wiped out.


Just as we were about to lay siege, a desperate plea for help arrived from our wife.

The emperor had landed forces at our capital and was about to conquer it.

Cursing, we sailed back and just managed to defend our homeland, earning the title of stalwart defender in the process.



The blindings continued.

Finally, we sailed back to Constantinopolis, only to discover the emperor had raised Bulgarian mercenaries of his own.

But this time there was no escape.

The levies wiped out, we prepared to storm Constantinopolis, a city so large that sometimes it was considered 7 separate entities.


We managed to take the outer gates and the quarter of Galata.


Once again, we were forced to abandon the siege by an attack on our capital. Finally, we caught up with the Imperial forces.



...and finally, we took the Hagia Sophia after a bloody assault that saw 2000 of our troops dead.




ALL HAIL CAESARIUS I, AUTOKRATOR KAI BASILEUS TON BASILEIA RHOMAION.

(cont'd)

[Thanas]

A few months later, another faction declared for one of their own.

We smashed them.

Our son proved to be merciful and allowed their leader to keep his land, title, eye and balls.


...no comment.


HARDTACK IS GOOD FOR WHEN YOU ARE ILL.


While we were munching on Hardtack, several external enemies tried to take advantage of our son being a minor and young.

Three guesses as to how that went for the Croatians.

The Bulgarian king was captured during his invasion attempt and surrendered.



But the persians in the east had more success. Due to our armies engaged with the Croatians and Bulgarians, our son had no choice but to surrender the contested territory.


Yet there were some more positive news. The sicilians were embracing our culture.


Joffrey The former boy king got a very special present for his 16th birthday...

...namely, two hot pokers to the eyeballs. He would no longer be a threat to the throne.

We declared war on the duchy of Ravenna to recover more of our de jure land.


This was an odd war, with hardly any major engagement before the Ravennians surrendered. Maybe they had been crushed in some other conflict?

In any case, we usurped another duchy and added it to our realm.


We built a bishopric in Malta to hasten the conversion of the populace there.

...and a city in Palermo to increase trade and production.


And then the nordic storm arrived.

Waves after waves of small armies, each about 400-1500 men strong, attacked and raided sicily. We basically had to play whackamole.


The situation in the west. The Bulgarians fragmented after the death of their old king.


The situation in the west. The Ducate of Antioch, together with some other duchies, attacked the muslims to the south and added a few more counties to the empire.


More peasants decided to be known as greek from now on.


It was time to recover Melfi.


Thank you, son.


Our son managed to hold on to the throne (with a lot of help from us) and became an adult.


We built another city.


To celebrate his good luck, our son declared war on the smaller of the two Bulgarian kingdoms.


We built another city.....


...and played even more Whack-a-mole. Raiders now arrived about 10-12 times a year.


Our son recovered more territory.

The constant viking invasions were putting too much of a stress on our relationship with our vassals, who did not appreciate being raised 10 times a year. It was time to invest in some standing forces.

We recruited about 2000 men, nearly all archers. They did a good job of eliminating raiders, leaving our core levies to do more important work....


....like conquering a county up north...

...and the county of Bari to the east.

Our brother got us a claim to Tusculum, directly below Rome.

Pricy, but worth it.



Tusculum was ours.

After another five years, we declared war again on Lotharingia, to recover another county.

This time, the king had prepared better and assembled over 12000 men.

But our realm now could field over 17k men and so the battle and the county was ours.


Our retinues finally captured one of the pesky Viking kings that were harassing us....

...and this time, we did not care for ransom. We executed the barbarian on the spot.



...and then dropped dead a few days later.


The realm. Our realm.

[Thanas]

So we are now Emperor. My suggestion for this character is first to do little outwards but cementing the grip of the dynasty on the throne, pass some internal reforms and grab what we can, but no expanding in all areas. Better to use the strength to consolidate the hold on the empire and leave expansion to the successor.

[Flagg]

So that went... awkwardly. Still, you managed to take the little twits empire in battle (while claiming the glory) instead of hoping your plot to kill the little shit worked while also hoping your little shit Heir to the Byzantine Empire wasn't assassinated first.

[Flagg]

How can you tell who is blinded and who is ball-less? And you better have castrated the Pope. Just for luls.

[Jub]

That sounds like a very strong plan. You have it, now make sure your sons and their sons after them will hold it.

[Thanas]

How can you tell who is blinded and who is ball-less?

The blinded have the blinded modifier (I highlighted it there) or just black holes where the eyes used to be in the portraits.
The castrated have the castrated sign (the male figure with yellow things around the balls) under the portraits.

And you better have castrated the Pope. Just for luls.

Nope, his unharmed release was a condition of the peace treaty.

[Purple]

Is the blinding and castration a part of the mod you are using or is it from the original game?

[LaCroix]

And you better have castrated the Pope. Just for luls.

Nope, his unharmed release was a condition of the peace treaty.

There's always the next war...

I'd also urge you to consolidate the realm. We do havve a standing army in Italia, but Asia minor needs their own defense force, and maybe another towards the heathens of Thracia and north of it. The levies are good for expansion, but a king needs to stand on his own right, or he will fall, like the child.

One caveat - defending Italia would be easier with just one border to care for. Further north.
After all, stagnation means you have lost.
Momentum.

Right now, the region is instable and broke. It would not be wise to let them recover before you continue whatt has to be done. Better be done with it, right now. The means are already there.

[Borgholio]

So we are now Emperor. My suggestion for this character is first to do little outwards but cementing the grip of the dynasty on the throne, pass some internal reforms and grab what we can, but no expanding in all areas. Better to use the strength to consolidate the hold on the empire and leave expansion to the successor.

Yeah cement your hold on the territory you won. The area has seen near constant war for the last couple generations it seems, so build it up, amass wealth and rebuild your armies. Then start the land grab again at a sustainable rate.

[Thanas]

Is the blinding and castration a part of the mod you are using or is it from the original game?

Original game.

[Purple]

Is the blinding and castration a part of the mod you are using or is it from the original game?

Original game.

That's strange. I've newer seen it round. Is it a special Byzantine thing?

[Thanas]

Yes, you need to have the Legacy of Rome expansion.

[FaxModem1]

Focus on improving the land everywhere in the empire. Happy peasants are quiet peasants.

If Sardegna/Sardinia is not aligned with anyone, I say we conquer it and make it ours. Another island fully under our control would expand our influence westward while not ruffling any important feathers.

[Bernkastel]

I'd also urge you to consolidate the realm. We do have a standing army in Italia, but Asia minor needs their own defense force, and maybe another towards the heathens of Thracia and north of it. The levies are good for expansion, but a king needs to stand on his own right, or he will fall, like the child.

One caveat - defending Italia would be easier with just one border to care for. Further north.
After all, stagnation means you have lost.
Momentum.

Right now, the region is instable and broke. It would not be wise to let them recover before you continue whatt has to be done. Better be done with it, right now. The means are already there.

I'd like to second these suggestions. We could indeed improve our position in Italia, plus we should try to reduce the risk of the Persians taking another piece of territory from us.

[Thanas]

There is no money to pay for more than one small standing army. Due to our predecessors systematically weakening crown authority, we earn less than the king of Sicily.

[Borgholio]

There is no money to pay for more than one small standing army. Due to our predecessors systematically weakening crown authority, we earn less than the king of Sicily.

So sounds like you kinda NEED to consolidate for awhile to refill your treasury.

[Thanas]

Consolidation


This is us. Also note our highly attractive wife, which is probably why our character focus is on chastity and piety.



Our capital of Constantinople....

...which hosts a lot of interesting buildings, buildings who have stood since late antiquity, like the Theodosian walls and the Imperial Library....

...and the Hagia Saphia.

(Note that I am using the unique buildings mod which puts a lot of flavour buildings in important cities like Carthage, Rome, Constantinople, Antioch etc.)


We have some money, a lot of negative piety (incurred by blinding and castrating usurpers), way too many vassals to control and a lot of prestige.

RANT: The blinding/castration penalty is way too high. Each action costs you 50 piety. Which means one blinding wipes out two years of piety production.



We finally converted Antioch. Orthodoxy once again reigned there.

To help with administration, we gave our son the holdings of our father.



Our realm. Not much has changed here. Note that our son is still busy defending against raiders.
Said barbarian raiders constantly sail down the wolga to raid constantinople (which after all is the richest city in the game), which is why our personal guard (the former standing army of sicily together with ~1500 cataphracts) has to stay there at all times. The Varangian Guard has not been reformed because we lack money and piety, further weakening our standing forces.


To help with our piety problem (which was giving us a huge malus to our relationship with zealous people and priests) we went on a pilgrimage to Antioch.


...we played good samaritan on the way....


...and arrived at Antioch.



Huzzah.

We returned only to find the peasants in revolt. They quickly were dispersed by our standing army...

...and the leader executed.

These are part of our laws:

"Okay, we need to get rid of those Sunni nobles in the east. They constantly ferment rebellion, refuse to convert and pay little to no tax. They plot against us. They hate us and we hate them. Lord Chancellor, revoke all their titles."
"We cannot."
"Why not?"
"Because title revocation is forbidden."
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO TOLERATE THEM?"
"Yes."
"....You're kidding, right?"


We tried to get this law changed.

HOLY CRAP. This is nothing like changing the laws of a small duchy or even a kingdom like Sicily. In the Grand Empire, it takes over 1k in bribes and two years to get enough nobles to vote for your law changes.

And then it hits you with a -30 relationship penalty due to having changed a crown law. You know what that means?


If you guessed more rebellions, you were right. Well, at least this allowed us to get the counties of Thrace back under our direct control.

We decided to turn some of the former rebel territories over to merchant republics. We founded one such on the Crimea.


"A GREEK MERCHANT REPUBLIC?"
"Well, we need something against Venice."

The pope declared war to recover Tusculum.

This was a mistake and he had to pay us a heavy indemnity.


We used that money to push back the Bulgarian menace, trying to recover one important county.

The Bulgarians proved no match for our combined forces.

With the prestige from that war, we decided to rebuilt the Imperial Administration.

The theme system, which had served many emperors well, needed to be reformed to provide us with more money and more/better troops. Again it took us over three years, but...

Woohooo.

(These are the most important reforms there are for the Byzantine Empire. If you do not reform the Theme system you get hit by constant negative modifiers, as it reflects the technological change in the world)

Of course, that -15 opinion coupled with the -30 opinion for changing the crown law meant that our vassals hated us, basically restricting our freedom from doing anything until the relations were repaired. This was finally done and we put the new levies to the test:

We tried to recover more from Moesia Prima, thus restoring a chunk of the danube border. The war was quickly over and boring, our 20k forces sieged through all the contested holdings and then smashed the puny 3k army of our enemies.


....Sure, why not?


All hail the blues. We invested 25 Gold while betting on the blues...

...thus proving once again betting on sports is fucking stupid.

The Bulgarian king died and we declared war to recover even more of the danube border, this time attacking the duchy of Bononia.


With our victory, almost the whole northern danube frontier was restored.


We created the kingdom of Antioch to better administrate that part of the empire....


EXTORTION. That money is enough to pay for six walls. But we need to be seen as pious. Otherwise we would never be able to attack the muslims.
(BTW, if you decline it is another -100 piety for you)
I hope at least they name a monastery after us

Finally, enough piety to conquer a large chunk of northern Syria.


The muslims however were crafty enemies. They jumped on one of our smaller armies while we were gathering forces.

Thankfully, the sicilian levies and fleets arrived just in time.




Hooray.

Our northern army was attacking the northern muslim army.

Unfortunately, that army included nearly 4k in elite camel mercenaries.



It was a pyrrhic victory for the muslims. While they nearly eliminated our northern army, it cost them almost all of their special troops (falsely shown as horse archers above).

Our western army linked up with the remains of the northern army. The battle was decisive.

We won the war.


Some say hummus is overpriced.

Another war in the north restored the danube frontier, a feat not seen since the days of the old Eastern Roman Empire.

With the usurpation of the kingdom of Bulgaria, the northern tribes disintegrated into smaller fiefdoms who were no threat to organized Rome. The northern Danube frontier was secure, leaving the empire to concentrate on the west, south and east.

The empire was doing well. The most important reforms had been passed and the northern frontier secured. Some gains had been made in the east as well, consolidating the hold on Antioch. But those spoils would not be used by this emperor.