[Vic2 LP] How Bismarck got his herring - game thread

[phred]

Maybe I missed this, but how do you research? Is it a certain amount of points that you can allocate into projects? or do you research one thing at a time?

[DaZergRock54444]

One major tech (the menu options) at a time. The smaller techs unlocked by these are researched passively at random.

It gets frustrating when you're waiting for a certain invention and the RNG isn't having it.

[phred]

So he's actively researching Collectivist Theory in the last post, and things like Constitutionalism, and The Spirit of Freedom will just show up whenever they feel like getting out of bed? Or am I reading that backwards?

[DaZergRock54444]

Precisely. This waiting game is especially prevalent when you're playing as a colonial power, and need something like Prophylaxis Against Malaria and aren't getting it. There are various factors that improve and reduce the chances of getting the particular invention, typically whether related inventions have been discovered or not.

[Thanas]

My Name is Austria-Hungary, and this is Jackass!


Everybody obey the constitution.


Thanks to our conquests, we were now regarded as one of the largest nations in the world.


Our delegation went to the world fair, to spread the word about GERMAN technology and agriculture. Exhibits include the Schleswig-Holstein cow, the Berliner and German Black Bread. Oh and Beer. Lots of Beer.


Another example of the French Frogs being wasteful with public money, which should be spent on two things only: 1. Railways. 2. More railways.


While our soldiers were recovering from the recent war with Austria-Hungary (now with substracted Hungary) the elections started.


Somehow our new subjects added a certain tension to the elections. Why are they not happy to be Germans?


A new ideology, also called "libertarianism" or "batshit insane", swept over to us from Denmark.


Somehow, the black bread failed to convince, but the Beer did enough damage to the judges to guarantee us a respectable showing at the fair.


DAMN THOSE EVIL LIBRULS.


Collectivist economic theory was invented by us. Surely nothing insidious will ever come of it.


More industrial research.


The integration of the northern states - including the former Austrian-dominated Schleswig-Holstein - raised some hackles in Vienna.

"Hi. I am Austria-Hungary (sans Hungary). I am currently losing a war against Sardinia-Piedmont of all places. My armies consist of little more than a few thousand ill-equipped, wearied troops. I just got my ass kicked by the North German Federation and lost two of my most populated provinces, the sources of almost all my cavalry. Naturally there is only one way out of this - DECLARE WAR. BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD."


As the Austrians started their mighty offensive into Hungary with a grand total of 6k troops, our elections finished.


To fulfill an election promise, we swiftly enacted Gerrymandering while mobilizing.


Austria-(no longer)Hungary meanwhile surrendered to Sardinia-Piedmont and lost Lombardia, including the great city of Milan.

After less than three months of fighting the fronts looked like this:

...which led to:


Perhaps more humiliating than the loss of Western Transylvania was the declaration Austria had to sign, in which it ceded all supremacy to Prussia and eternally resigned itself to the second place among the German Nations. As a result, we gained Baden and Württemberg inside our sphere of influence.

Meanwhile, with regards to technology and inventions...

Meritocracy. My favourite philosophy.

We also discovered inorganic chemistry...

...started research into better, stronger steam engines...
...and made a lot of inventions.





This cycle of inventions was interrupted by news from the USA:

Easily among the top 3 most vile Supreme Court decisions they have ever made. Seriously, wtf?

Thankfully, we had no need for slaves, because we got the POWER OF INDUSTRY.


We imported better steam engines from PERFIDIOUS ALBION.

More wine.

...and now a method to help alleviate the consequences from wine.

BOOM.


In the far east, the Russian appetite for Chinese land got the better of them.

...and of course the Dutch and the French were also busy conquering people extending civilization.


In Europe, Italy formed. They promptly made a declaration to never ever suck in any war and always be good allies.

The French took the decision to claim Savoy with the reasoning of "We helped you gain independence, now cede land over to us."

Vaccinations. Oh game, it is as if you didn't know that vaccination was already mandatory in Prussia long before this game.

Italy annexed the Papal states and gained Rome as its capital.


(translation here)

(to be continued below)

[Thanas]

(continued from above)


We didn't care much for the Italian Unification and the things going on elsewhere because we were focused on GLORIOUS GERMAN INDUSTRY.

More technology for GLORIOUS GERMAN INDUSTRY.


No comment



[insert squabble about what cement is better here]


The Russians got what they claimed.

GLORIOUS RUSSIA HAS NEW GLORIOUS CITY.


Despite the introduction of prophylactics our population apparently enjoyed having sex a lot.


We invented what makes German industry so profitable even to this year. Germans primarily don't make things, they make the things that lets others make the things that make things.


Whaaaa?
You mean there are people who don't want to be part of our Glorious Empire?

Entirely centred in Western Transylvania as well. Hmm.....*eyes Austria suspiciously*
"Ah well, send in two corps."

Untrained masses of local patriots against regular infantry will not go so well. (And yes, I just linked to the only good battle scene in a Mel Gibson movie).


Meanwhile in the USA:


On September 5ht, 1856, a day that shall live in infamy, the slave power decided to rise.

We had an option to recognize them as a sovereign state.
Naturally, we decided not to. After all, we are against slavery (public reason) and if every state could just break away from a nation we would legitimize our own rebels (true reason).


Of course this needs to be used throughout the country.

This automatically enforced the reform of minimal safety regulations.


Further proof how slavery is stupid and not even economical.

"Not through speeches and majority decisions will the great questions of the day be decided - that was the great mistake of 1848 and 1849 - but by iron and blood" - Otto von Bismarck.

Concerned by all those reports about war everywhere, we decided to invest in military technology.

Steel for the Nation built of Steel.

No more famines in all of Germany. People will no longer go hungry. Naturally, this is only due to the great strength of the German worker.


After two years of bloody fighting, the British and Ottomans finally took Cairo.



The new Middle East after the British dictated terms to the Egyptians. Can't say we care either way.

[end of this update]

[Shinn Langley Soryu]

The Austrian exclave in eastern Transylvania must not be allowed to exist for much longer.

Also, Kansas, Nebraska, and Kentucky joined the traitors? No matter. They'll all be forced to submit to the Union in due time.

[Steve]

I'm guessing the AI made them slave states.

Thanks to my computer melting down... and Final Fantasy XIV before then... I've never seen how the ACW leadup goes in the PDM. Interesting that Dred Scott is an event and not a decision.

[Thanas]

Cruising for Crimea, slavers get theirs and A Fateful Appointment


Pitt mining has never hurt anyone except the environemnt, workers and children.


"Two more inventions of little importance, right Sir?" "Quite right, my dear fellow" *tops hat*


With our economy booming, we decided to establish a national stockpile of critical goods. From now on, at least 2 million tons of ammunition, coal etc. would be kept in strategic depots. Just, you know, for the definitely irrelevant possibility of some major naval power deciding to blockade us.

The Russians meanwhile - after kicking the teeth of the Chinese in - had some creative ideas to give their country more historical importance.

The French had the same idea, only their idea involved more Catholicism and less Orthodoxy.

This of course caused a crisis..

We demanded the Russians leave the Holy Land well alone.

They had other ideas. Knowing that our armies were not strong enough right now, we decided to let the issue slide and to take the humiliation in stride. Someday we'll pay you back, Russia. Someday.

The French were a bit more impulsive than we were.


Oh Brits. Never change.

All the wars in the world and we are not part of any of them. Hooray.
(not that we could afford to anyway due to the infamy counter).


Military Plans. Plans are good. Must make Plans.

Further military research was needed.


RACIST.


Jiggs and coke. Don't combine the two.

We immediately embarked upon a program of building new forts in every province.

..and started research into bigger, better guns.


The Sepoy rebellion in India happened. And a lot of stuff in South Africa.

The French asked us for military access.

Given how the Russians humiliated us, we saw no problem allowing our railroads to be used by the French Army. Soon a steady stream of French soldiers poured across Germany and into Russian Poland.


"My dear, the Telegraph is a jolly good invention. Ignore that Engels fellow, he'll never amount to anything. Pip-Pip."


We nationalized the bank, but let them keep their money. On retrospect, maybe it would have been better to let them operate - if they want to impoverish themselves buying land above market price, why should we care? But then again, opposition to our just rule shall be crushed.

The Crimean war was not going so well for the French, so they created another famous unit:

(Btw, this is the current marching song of the French Foreign Legion: Kepi blanc. This is the song of the German armored troops: Panzerlied. Definitely has nothing to do with the vast numbers of German veterans recruited for the Legion after WWII, no Sir. No german influence there.)


Kautsky. Often forgotten in favour of Marx and Engels, but he had at least as much as they did with the popularity of the Socialist ideas in Germany.

Guns guns and more guns.


You know what would go well with those nice shiny new guns? New rifles.


Too bad your nephew didn't know that, Helmuth.


Aah, Clausewitz. The most misunderstood and misused theoretician of war ever. The English world especially never got him or understood him properly, mostly due to translation failures.


"God created men, Colt made them equal." Speaking of...

Let's check in on the American Civil war:

The Union Armies are advancing on all fronts.


Meanwhile, the Russians were winning the Crimean war....

...despite the French and British taking large parts of Poland. The Ottomans must really have gotten their teeth kicked in during the Caucasus battles.


Zündnadelgewehr, the Nadel for your heart.

"You know what would be cool? If we wouldn't have to jump in front of a cannon to reload it." "Yeah, let's do that".


The things that get shoved up your rectum are now of standard size. Congrats.


Bavaria meanwhile went bankrupt. I wonder where all that money the state had amassed went?
This made them a secondary power and we promptly started influencing them.


You know what is better than shooting a Frenchmen? Shooting a Frenchmen in cover.



No more slavery for you, misters. Sure, you can have slavery by any other name sharecroppers and racist disenfranchisement voting tests. As long as you don't call it slavery though.


Meanwhile, the Crimean war ended in a disaster for France and Britain as their forces were utterly obliterated by massed Russian troops pouring in. Ah well, at least they killed a lot of crack French troops.


"Loading a rifle without a stick? Why, I never."

An invention that saved a lot of lives.



Yay, new calibers. Good for killing Frenchies.


Did you know that the German railroad corps were an official part of the German Army and so efficient that they were able to ship half of the army from one theater to the next at a space unmatched? The game does a really bad part of showing what large force multipliers railroads really were.


NERD.


Liberals bribing people? Why I never....


Burdened by the war with the Russians, the Ottoman finance system collapsed.


Atheism and people making guns at home, two things that mix excellently as the modern world has shown us.


Oh God. Genocide ahoy. A total of 20 million dead.

Poor China.

(to be continued)

[Thanas]

(continued from above)


The Crimean war came to a conclusion. The Russians won.

I wonder who would ever buy Alaska?


So....look at the lower news.
First, Lincoln apparently survived. Hooray. Second: BEWARE OF FEMALE ANKLES. Third: Pompeii is back. Hooray.


Our armies can now make better decisions.

This allowed us to enact the first of the three big Prussian decisions:



This is pretty much the birth of the modern Army here. The General Staff was without equal.. It also is another one of those great Institutions that have a very complex history.

New research was started.

Nationalism and Imperialism is THE tech for many nations in the game.

Reeling from their defeat in Crimea, the British decided to take it out on the Chinese.

Thus started the 2nd Opium War.


Why don't they want to come to Berlin? I swear we drained all the swamps...


Greece vultured on the Ottoman Empire, The Poles revolted against the Russians again. Have a chuckle at the Submarine article.



We enacted another liberal reform, moving away from the silly "2 representatives per state" to a more modern system.


The war in China ended. Well, at least one of the many wars did.


...and giving rise to the fear of getting run over by soulless machines.


We used this to start influencing Zanzibar.


"I swear, we were only searching those old documents for proof of ownership. Nothing more. Ignore the buildup on your border, please."

Thankfully, the Austrians had other problems right now.

The Russians were waiting to prove their newfound position as the leading empire of the Earth.
While the war was raging, we were presented with an interesting proposal:

Of course we shall now make the attempt. Everybody is occupied with Russia right now. Nobody will notice if a few caches of Zündnadelgewehre end up on the other side of the border...

Hah. Luxemburg was now a free member of our sphere of influence.


This man did more for the world than most of us ever will.


As predicted, Austria quickly lost the war and its last Italian possession.


Wooohoooo. Nationalism, here we come.

We started researching Empiricism next...

...dreamt of Empire...

...and asked the Egyptians for looting excavation permits.

Yes. I wonder if it will ever lead to anything...

But the most important decision was ours yet to make. It was time to introduce the eponymous Hero of this LP, the greatest statesman of the 19th century.


Bismarck OP pls nerf.

Herrings everywhere beware.

(end of this update)

[Bernkastel]

So, we have Bismark in the game now? Interesting.

Also, I can't imagine that Austria will last longer. What next after that?

[Purple]

Is it possible to unite Germany under Austria in this game?

[phred]

It's a little late now, Austria is on it's way out at the moment

[Thanas]

Is it possible to unite Germany under Austria in this game?

Yes but it is way too easy/OP.

[Thanas]

Bismarck's first years


Hooray, more justification for oppressing natives by the British.


(apologies for butchering the screenshot)
We of course approved of this. After all, we want our Czech citizens to be productive and happy - and integrated.


"They mean the Prussian eagle, right?"
"There is no other eagle worth speaking of, child"


As always, the stupid or nationalistic people were impressed by a royal spectacle.


No no NO. NOT GOOD..


"We already have a mission to oppress civilize the poles and slavs, but thanks for pointing that out."

Finally something useful. This is part of the concept now-called Auftragstaktik, something nearly all nations copied from the Germans after the Franco-Prussian war.

We finished research.

Psychology is very important.


A reform was immediately rushed through. (BTW, the main reason why the Prussian state was supportive of those measures in OTL was that child work and bad safety conditions produced unhealthy bodies = bad soldiers. This created a very effective alliance between worker rights advocates and the military).


Why are we inventing something that was already invented by us? GAME.


Our conciliatory policies towards the Czech led many of them to feel German and to take up German culture and passports. One province went from 35% Germans to 51% Germans.


Bismarck's policies towards the Austrians weren't that tolerant though.
The aim was to fix the borders and remove the threat of a two-front war.


But we did not immediately call for war. Instead we first conducted a census....

..and discovered logics.
This is why when modern mathematics students laugh about philosophy, they only show themselves to be deeply ignorant about the history of their subject and the debt they all owe to philosophy.

Then, two important events happened:


GRRRR. SOCIALISTS BAD.

This was actually a quote I thought about putting in my sig.
And I love the reference.



Yes, Pan-Germany must be the end goal of all government.


Of course the news were focused on other things...


On April 23, 1863, the Irish provinces, after suffering through years of famine (with the British doing jack-shit to alleviate it) revolted en masse and declared their independence.

Sadly we could not help them, but this gave us political cover to go after the Austrians.

ADVANCE, PRUSSIAN EAGLES.


The war plan was simple - a total of 324000 soldiers would smash into Austria and overwhelm any resistance.

The second-greatest power of the world, France had no interest in opposing us. In fact, Napoleon III. offered an alliance.

..because he needed political cover for his invasion of Italy. We of course agreed.

"War between Austria and Germany? Let's focus on the war between France and Italy".

Meanwhile, in Bohemia...

We of course allowed this. No use in creating separatists and once they recognize we approve of them they are more likely to assimilate anyway.




Hooray, more head shrinkers.

We need more economy.


The war was going as expected.

Austria soon capitulated...

...and the new borders looked much better.
(the released Galicia-Lodomeria, now no longer an Austrian puppet, is the one in pink).


[to be continued below]

[Thanas]

[continued from above]


The news had finally caught on to the fact that there was a war going on between Ireland and Britain.


More research points are always a good thing. VORSPRUNG DURCH TECHNIK.


With our new conquests, we now had a total population of 50 million citizens. How will we ever feed such a large number?


Why are the news still reporting victory reports that happened several news cycles ago? Bit of faulty programming here.


Meanwhile, our ally France got what they wanted - and then promptly ended the alliance between us. That's okay, we got what we wanted out of it as well.

"Like all living organisms, an Empire must always expand in order to stay relevant and survive. Please ignore the counterexample of the Romans who survived for 200 years despite not expanding."


Meanwhile, the British had erected a total blockade to further starve the already starving Irish into submission. Goddammit, I wish the game had a humanitarian intervention CB.
But considering our high infamy and non-existing fleet we probably can't do much about it anyway.


Another part of Auftragstaktik, which lead to the superior mobility of the Prussian troops to the French ones in 1870.

Yay.

Zündnagelgewehre for all.


The Russian appetite for eastern land got the better of them again and they invaded Japan.


Somebody tell the news the war has been over for quite some time now.


We supported the movement. For Poles who want to work need to be applauded as they will assimilate faster and pay more taxes.


More economic theory was researched by us.

We then started research into better steel.

In Korea, the populace revolted against their foreign overlords.

We went to the world fair in Vienna, where we made an unremarkable showing. No wonder, considering the recent war...

NEWS. THE WAR IS OVER FOR CLOSE TO A YEAR NOW. GET IT DONE.


The final piece of Auftragstaktik.

Our biased multiculturalism:
Welcome: Germans, Czech and Hungarians, plus everybody who wants to become German.
Unwelcome: Everybody else.

Our Czech citizens welcomed those policies and assimilated en masse in Karlsbad.

We finished researching cheap steel.


This allowed us to enact the final of the Three big German decisions in the game.

"German research OP, pls nerf." - France.

[end of this update]

[InsaneTD]

I wonder if the game is programmed to show the results of all battles in the news. That could be the reason it's still showing up. It'd be bloody annoying if that's the case.

[Bernkastel]

To me, that seems like the most likely reason.

[Thanas]

Sorry for the slow pace of updates, I have been rather busy....

The congress before the storm


We started new research.


We of course were in favor of reform.


Bismarck's political party, the Nationalliberale, won the election. And by won I mean "crushed the opposition".


Kathetersozialist was one of those crushing insults that could finish a political career.


Of course we signed the document.


More philosophy.


Regulating business? Why, I never...


We continued research in the area of railroads. We need to go faster.


Meanwhile, after over a year of Hunger blockades the starving nation of Ireland was finally successfully invaded by the British oppressors.

Who is Ireland's enemy? Not Germany nor Spain,
Nor Russia, France nor Austria,
They forged for her no chain.
Nor quenched her hearths, nor robbed her homes, Nor laid her altars low,
Nor sent her sons across the hills amid the winter's snow.

Who murdered kingly Shane O'Neill?
Who poisoned Owen Roe?
Who struck Red Hugh O'Donnell down?
Who filled our land with woe?
By night and day a thousand times,
In twice four hundred years,
'Till every blade of Irish grass
Was wet with blood and tears.

Who spiked the heads of Irish Priests on Dublin Castle gate?
Who butchered helpless Irish babes, their lust for blood to sate?
Who outraged Irish maidenhood? Who tortured aged sires?
And spread from Cork to Donegal the glare of midnight fires?
Who plied the pitchcap and the sword, the gibbet and the rack?
Oh God, that we shall ever fail to pay those devils back.

Who sent in thousands o'er the sea to slavery and shame,
The children of the Irish land to end their race and name?
Who sold them like a herd of sheep?
Who laughed with hellish glee,
When Irish mothers, mad with grief,
Sought death beneath the sea?

Who robbed our land in '47
Of all its stores of food,
While at its gate with tainted breath,
Gaunt famine grimly stood?
Who filled the fields with whitened bones,
And sent across the seas
The kindliest hearts in all the land,
The kin of you and me?

Not Germany or Austria,
Nor Russia, France or Spain,
That robbed or reeved this land of ours,
They forged for her no chain.
But England of the wily word,
That crafty, treacherous foe,
'Twas England robbed our Motherland, '
Twas England laid her low.

Rise up, oh dead of Ireland, and rouse our living men,
The chance has come to us at last to win our own again.
To sweep the English enemy
From hill and glen and vale,
And in your name, oh holy dead,
Our sacred debt to pay.

To set a positive example against British cruelty (who btw outlawed traditional Irish clothing and dress in 1571) we enacted laws protecting our minorities and gave them the vote. They shall have the same rights and obligations as Germans do.


Good.


We started sponsoring church-financed schools. For more education is always good.


Austria continued the war against Italy. Despite a few months, nothing much had shifted the balance of war.


Yay, more railroads.

Research was shifted towards the military. Moltke was already grumbling.


Isn't it crazy that four, if not five of those statements by Emerson are still applicable today? PROGRESS.


Napoleon III. A monarch who would have been remembered as a giant had he not run into Bismarck.
He is one of those great controversial figures of history. He returned France to being a credible challenger to Britain, greatly increased the prestige....then lost it all.

OTOH, what happened to the inhabitants of New Caledonia was genocidal. Some of the most heartbreaking things I have read were the addresses of Kanak representatives to the French colonial government as well as the reports from New Caledonia. In this, the French were as worse as the British.

New Caledonia - now civilized.


We - not the French - discovered the Metro. Suck it, frogs.

We also discovered new railroad techniques...

...and our capitalists immediately financed new railroads everywhere in the North German Federation.

However:

Due to the war with Ireland, England lost so much industry that it slipped from Rank 1 of the great powers to Rank 2.
Who is the new Rank 1?

France was now #1 in the world.
Napoleon III. did what his uncle could not - be stronger than the British.


We however did not much care about that, for we discovered new methods of war.

...and started researching Bolt-action Rifles.


France meanwhile annexed Cambodia and South Vietnam. French indochina was born.


Oh, I like that. Moltke does too.


Our people loved our advanced, democratic system of Government.


We outfitted an expedition. FOR GERMAN GLORY.


Krupp research OP.

We immediately told them to research military statistics.


Spain meanwhile got back into the Great Game and annexed the Maroccan coast.


We did not care about colonies. Instead, we widened the franchise. Now, everybody could vote (in a weighted manner).

(to be continued below)....

[Thanas]

(continued from above)

Austria resurgent.

Austria finally crushed the Italians and took back all of Venetia and Lombardia.


We meanwhile finally managed to convince the world that Bavaria would be better off in our sphere of influence.

They resisted....

GUESS how that worked out for them.

Hooray.


Signal detachements were good. Finally we have reached the level of the ancient Romans.


That quote by Lee is perfect and describes the useless slavocrats perfectly.


A quick look at Europe. Not much has changed really, except for France and Austria carving up Italy.


We introduced free, public education for all...

...and allowed unionisation, within limits.


More business research.

...and we switched back to more industry research.


In November 1969, we researched the industrial steam turbine.

...and started research into widespread stock exchanges.


With the development of steam engines, we decided to start building the Kiel canal, a great force multiplier that does not force us to be dependant on Denmark.

The Congress of Berlin Madrid

We decided to keep the Empire strong, for the less Russian influence in the Balkans the better.

...and we made another bid to finally host the World Fair.

Hey, Canada.
Also, the British had another great expression of their opinion:
"The backward African peoples long for our benevolent governance. Much as the Irish graciously welcomed British overlordship, the Black race craves the guiding hand of whites"
HOLY SHIT. I GUESS THE REBELLION DID NOT HAPPEN THEN, DID IT?


Nevermind, have a new shiny stock exchange to calm down.

Meanwhile, after a few months of threats, the Congress came to a close. Our view prevailed.



This gave us a lot of Influence in the Balkans. (not shown: Greece, Bosnia, Montenegro and Serbia).


Around the world in 80 days was published, the French meddled in Canada, the dino wars continue and Serbia cowers in fear of ze Germans. What else is new?

Brits wasted no time putting their opinion into fact.

YAY. FINALLY.



Damn. I guess he will now indeed be remembered as the giant of France, surpassing even Napoleon I in his achievements. You know, with Lincoln surviving his assassination and Napoleon III. dying before his defeat, this is going to be a vastly different history than we are used to today.


Nobody can call us those "stinking Germans" now. "Bloody Germans" still works though.


Never change, Britain.


Magnificent it must be. We will be building a whole new quarter of Berlin in the classical style. No matter if it costs half of our budget, this will be glorious.

Hah.

Meanwhile, we decided to annex liberate the vital city of Krakow.


It was over in two months.


A pedophile priest? Investigate it, then hang him.


We started researching Analytic philosophy.

The World Fair

Hooray.

What now? ....

FUCK YOU WORLD. WE BUILT A WHOLE QUARTER OUT OF SWAMPLAND FOR YOU AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY US?
ARRRGH.

How to recover from this disaster?


...well, Krupp got a new cannon....
...and we got a lot of troops near France....

...and we were confirmed by a great majority....

WWBD?

(end of this update)

[darthkommandant]

France is going down. Bismarck shall declare war than make it look like the French Started It.

[Eternal_Freedom]

Indeed. We can't let France stay in the top spot for long now can we?

[Bernkastel]

Yes, hurting France until the pain of our World Fair humiliation goes away seems like a good idea. The people of France should feel honoured to be allowed such a duty, as well as that of aiding us in testing our new cannons.

[LaCroix]

Germany faces trouble, starts peeking towards France... What could go wrong?

[Borgholio]

Germany faces trouble, starts peeking towards France... What could go wrong?

What, you haven't heard that joke about why the French planted trees along the major roads into Paris?