StarDestroyer.Net BBS

I'm going to do my bit for education and the human race by explaining what common review (marketing) phrases mean in real terms to ease people into a lifetime of disappointment in a bankrupt industry. Due to the power of consensus I'd like to open the thread to contributions.


'immersive' = is dark, has drippy/clanking noises
'terrifying atmosphere' = lights flicker
'amazing gore' = blood decals
'art design' = only uses 2 colours
'innovative' = exactly like counterstrike
'deep story' = someone will cry/die in a cutscene
'dynamic story' = nothing you do affects the game in a meaningful way
'genre breaking' = combines all flaws of genre
'amazing water effects' = flat poly with transparent water texture rises then stops because it's scripted and you can't actually die
'equipment customisation' = has a terrible inventory UI
'faction warfare' = everyone wants to kill you

Please add to this thread to save us all from fat idiot reviewers obsessed with their own connection to the zeitgeist.

CLUE - the 'humour' is that everything actaully means THE EXACT OPPOSITE, and that 'chilling story straight from the headlines' is ACTUALLY a load of childish wish-fullfillment nonsense about how America rules all.

"Unique control scheme" = regular controls with nonfunctional motion sensing tacked on

what did you think of metroid prime 1&2

i thought they were pretty

i liked the water effects

(i am not an actual gamer so i see shit like that maybe once per generation)

'innovative combo system' = simplistic one-button combat system forcing you to use stick gestures to win

"Deep Moral Choices"= Only two options. Good or Evil.

"next generation graphics" - Will suck all your system's resources, and still look like crap
"physics engine" - Cardboard boxes and see-saw puzzles
"realism" - Brown
"innovative multiplayer" - Deathmatch
"from the creators of..." - We bought the studio to churn out uninspired sequels.

"game of the year, 10/10" = the publisher paid me off with a lot of cash hookers and blow an xbox360

"Vast/expansive/huge/explorable world/universe/galaxy" = a few tiny areas with invisible walls to keep you hemmed in OR billions of cubic miles of the same boring, uninspired regions over and over again

"fast-paced combat" = push buttons in preset formulae while talking on the phone and watching TV

"realistic graphics" = everything is brown, brownish grey, or brownish red

"Open Environments" = Really big map with great backgrounds but we can only let you go into certain areas due to memory constraint lol

Oh man... this is hilarious AND informative! Stark, when you are a Senator you need to sticky this!

LordOskuro wrote:"physics engine" - Cardboard boxes and see-saw puzzles

"HAVOK physex engine" = crates will fly off shelves if you walk within a metre of them
"physx card support" = eight million bricks will fly off shelves if you walk within a metre of them
"physics-based problem solving" = box-pushing puzzles like in HL2

also in the licenced game area

'expands on source material' = a bunch of irrelevant fetch levels
'captures essence of movie' = nerds made up a bunch of filler


also in FPS

'exciting, innovative weapons' = weapons have pretty models
'devastating weapons' = weapons have large explosions with lots of bloom but are otherwise identical
'terrain deformation' = decals
'tried and tested weapons' = counterstrike

music

'thumping techno beats' = someone let zuul fall asleep in garageband
'score mirrors the action' = there is only one tune
'epic' = horns
'moving' = horns
'sweeping' = strings
'grandiose' = horns and strings

so stark 'innovative' seems to mean a lot of stuff based on the context

is there a definative definition that covers them all


who marketed hl2 I wonder
did the valve guys go 'hey these object scripts are pretty cool"
did they not have a nerd dictionary
did they not know what 'engine' means

still I kind of liked hl2
I think it's a pretty cool sp shooter

that's a damn fine point.

'innovative' = 'i like it'
'breathtaking' = 'i like it'
'blows away competition' = 'i like it'


innovative guns are whatever kind of guns the reviewer likes
innovative story is whatever baldurs gate mission the reviewer likes
innovative presentation is whatever control system the reviewer likes

so stark if in a review of a woman or something I would claim they had "innovative tits" would that roll

would people understand what I meant

you'd have to be more pretentious

like 'nipple configuration : innovative' 'uninspired pubic hair' 'technical achievement in piercings'

shit man i can review fuckin anything in this style

Stark wrote:shit man i can review fuckin anything in this style

YES!

"Exciting, action packed missions" = The level is on a timer.

"vibrant community" = endless shitty gun models and poorly-thought-out maps.

on an unrelated-but-related note check out this site for a hl2 mod which i was hotly anticipating

god damn it

'exciting commuity' = whiners
'competitive community' = jackass whore whiners
'inviting community' = rp whiners
'leaderboards' = everyone is a wanker
'innovative multiplayer modes' = nobody knows how to play and gives up

Stark

With your breathtaking and innovative mastery of the english language

can you review the Iraq war

can you make me want to sponsor it

Deformable buildings = some wall models replaced when damage bar reaches certain percentage. 90% remain unaffected.

realtime economy = prices magically return to 'normal' cost over time despite market forces
unit balance = is like starcraft
complex economy = has more resources than starcraft
simplistic economy = has fewer resources than starcraft
factional diversity = animals/primitive/goop, humans/humans/humans, psyhics/nanos/magic

Wide range of unique NPCs = a black guy, a crazy guy, and a chick with giant titties. Guaranteed to have no plot relevance.

"Every choice you make matters" = halfway along the game a choice you make alters the cut scenes you see later

Flash wrote:Deformable buildings = some wall models replaced when damage bar reaches certain percentage. 90% remain unaffected.

"Destructible Environments" - Some Doors, walls, or buildings get their model changed in a scripted event.