StarDestroyer.Net BBS

The illustrious Darth Wong went to bed quiet and comfortable one night, safe and secure in the knowledge that all of the insanity of the world was safely contained within the Internet. However, when he woke up...



"Wha... what's this? Oh you fuckers! You and your fucking Let's Plays! Alright, where the fuck are we now?"



"Okay, at least we've got rice and elephants around here. What do we know?"



"You're all fucking useless, you know that? Start figuring out how to fucking hunt. Alright, who can we blame for this latest deluge of fucking Let's Plays?"

All fingers immediately pointed to a cowering Peptuck. He was promptly given a club and two Russian spammers as support and told to run towards the hills and scout things out a bit more thoroughly.



What's this? Locals! Perhaps they can tell us more of what's going on or lend assistance!



A map? A fucking map? Oh... a fuck it. At least we can see an area that might make a good secondary settlement one day with access to cattle, rice, and incense, although the deserts and mountains are a bit of a detractor.



A bit more scouting and... what's this? A large supply of high quality stone? With our teams of organized and industrious moderators overseeing teams of peons, that could really assist in the construction of monuments to the glory of our Lord and Master, Darth Wong. The whip marks on the backs of the worthless users would totally be worth it.



A bit more exploring and then we get back a communique from Peptuck stating that he lost track of one of the spam bots while wandering about in the jungle, and said something about a MILF or something. Later translation of his rambling informed us that he had not in fact run into a 'cougar' but a 'panther' that had dragged away one of the spam bots before he and the other bot clubbed it to death. He's been ordered to stay put until we can drag someone else kicking and screaming out there to help him.



All right, Peptuck is back in action and his scouting has definitely identified the most likely candidate for our next city when the time comes. We should be able to build a stone quarry and not one but two sugar mines for our drones to labour away in under their new arthropod overlords.

However, talk is now circulating. Imperial Centre is current undefended and we need a garrison at the moment to wave clubs threatening at any wildlife that gets too close. Who should we conscri... err... who will volunteer to sit out at home with a big club to serve as club fodder should the need arise? Not only that, but what project should we begin with next? More club fodder for added defence? Or a more competent scout to explore our surroundings? Perhaps the military members should get together and build up a proper barracks to train our idiots into something with an actual spine? Or should we gather together some hapless peons and have them approach large quadrupedal herbivores with pointy sticks so that we might have luxurious ivory to fill the gaping holes in our souls from our loss of everything we knew?

Also, we finally think we have the fundamentals of getting food more threatening that wheat through hunting, so the question is now what our research strategy should be? With the nearby presence of stone we could perhaps persue the art of taking a mountain and making it into vaguely cubical blocks bit by bit, although since no one knows how to make a goddamn road without asphault, transporting it might be a bit of a bitch until we can figure out dirt and cobblestone roads. There is also the issue of none of us having any metals, so we are considering sending out more scouts to look for shit we can work with, like copper deposits. When asked if this copper could be used to make chains and manacles, the moderating staff has become rather shifty eyed and refused to comment. There are other options, such as actually figuring out how to equip the idiots who are supposed to be defending us with actual bows and arrows instead of fucking clubs, or some daredevils who want to try and break wild horses or start sailing, and even some heretics who desire to add supernatural explanations to everything, but this is SDN!

So who will join up to help defend the empire, and what should we build and research next?

I'll do my part!

*thumbsup*

I'd go for mining, then masonry and the Pyramids. Plus that leads to bronze working and iron working!

Sweet, I'll be glad to sign up to....wait a second....

Oh, well, time to get more cougarskin pelts!

I would have to recommend masonry followed by the wheel or archery for tech, and to build workers, many workers.

I call dibs on the first Chariot.

Also putting out the call for wheels, mining and masonry. I'm a big believe in glass cities that look fucking gorgeous but are so easily shattered.

As we've not yet found Opium we need an Opiate of the masses. Religion i choose you, all hail the shadow of the great and squiggley god, so sayeth i its first high priest. I also demand a temple in imperial central be erected in the name of the squiggleyness.

Completing work on hunting, it was decided to begin work on researching masonry as our industrious population had already perfected the art of whipping people to get them to go down mine shafts. Additionally, Hawkwings was appointed military governor of Imperial Centre, which is to say that Lord Wong gave him a club and some lackeys and told him that if bears attacked he was going first, but until then he could club anyone who got out of line.

Accusations that Hawkwings did it for the free beer and blowjobs were met with stern clubbings.

Along this time we also began to meet up with other powerful tribes in the area, starting with a scout from the Aztec tribe, ruled by Montezuma. Getting our own scouting forces up and running quickly became critical to avoid the best places being found and snapped up before we could respond.



Huh... well that should speed things up a bit. It also seems that all of the powerful groups are to the east of us, that should influence foreign policy a bit. Montezuma might be a bit of a problem, but seems pretty far away and by the time borders start colliding Victoria should act as a buffer according to our current maps and...



Upon first contact our 'Cunt-o-meter' exploded. This may prove problematic later on.



Random wildlife attacks continued to be a problem. Our research teams speculate that the 'cougars clubbing causes an increase in aggression and that having a condom on hand is always advised lest you be caught unaware'. They were promptly sent to the elephant labour camps to rangle with ten tons of pissed off pachyderm.



Whoever this nobody Herodotus is, he's on the fucking list now. SDN is a highly cultured place! Have you seen how prolific our anal porn stone sculptures are? Is that not art of the highest calibre my good man?



Word has reached us that Frederick of the Germans has perfected dominatrix technology. The devious bastard.



His sausage link camoflauge somehow failing to fool large cats into avoiding him, Peptuck was attacked by a pack of lions, which he drove off quite adeptly, bare pecks glistening in the sun as he subdued the beasts of nature. We're not quite sure where he got the fur bikini clad groupies, but he is now insisting on being called Peptuck of Cimmeria for some strange reason.



Deciding to spice things up a bit, Peptuck switched over from felines to canines. However, he is also going through Russian spambots like there is no tomorrow. Ah well, there's always more spambots!



Tonight's 1 one spot on the Threatdown: BEARS!



Oh, he's going to be fucking intolerable now.



Meanwhile, our scouts are exploring the boundaries of enemy territory. Here we can see that the Aztecs will have quite the advantage in gold production with...



Oh for fucks sake! THREE gold in spitting distance, one in the actual radius, of their capital AND marble? That should be us fuckers! I've heard of Aztec gold, but this is ridiculous!




Fortunately by this time yosemite bear, asigned for his *snicker* expertise in motivational "speaking" had managed to get the work gangs to set up a hunting camp for elephants. This brings wealth and productivity. His next project is the concentrated cultivation of the rice to our south.



Meanwhile, noticing an increase in malcontents and a desire to exploit the granite fields to the east, while beginning a strategic blockade of our section of the continent, Ford Prefect was the latest one assigned a club and told to stand guard while we began rounding up those we quite frankly no longer wanted around us in Imperial Centre.

Hawkwings hogged all the blowjobs, but said that Ford would get some too one day.



Meanwhile, our hunters at the elephant camp, tired of being gored and trampled to death due to only having access to sticks with bits of sharpened stone attached to the end decided to put some range between them and the furious elephants and helped pioneer the art of archery as a useful skill. On the plus side, this helped stabilize our ivory supply. On the negative side, floggings of elephant survivors are at an all time low!



Meanwhile, rumours abounded of superstitious folk organizing into a new way of thinking. When Hatshepsut of the Egyptians announced that she had begun worshipping a large array of gods, we knew who was to blame for this. Plans are already underway to one up her.



Construction of the first mass farming project are complete, causing a surge in orgies that should cause a population boom in Imperial Centre... once we finish deporting dissident elements that is...




Fucking Basil Poledouris music plays wherever he goes now, and if you want pussy while he's in town you have to get on a waiting list. For this reason Peptuck has been banned from Imperial Centre by decree of Lord Wong, causing much rejoicing amongst the male population. The female population was strangely out of town and unable to comment.




Theodotus and now Lord McCauley... you're both on the list motherfuckers.



Peptuck's casual abuse of wildlife has finally caught up to him and he will have to spend the next month having lion fangs pried out of his ass while we try and find some spambots who haven't gone into hiding to reinforce him.



With the dissident round up now complete, Ford was sent out to oversee the construction of a gulag in the jungles to the east where we could have prisoners begin the excavation of massive stone blocks, while Yosemite's team builds a road out there to set up camp. Because of the toxic animals killing so many of the weaker convicts and the dead rotting in the streets, the city was named New Australia, with Ford left as the military governor.

His latest message consisted of what we think... hope... was a middle finger covered in ink and pressed into suitably sized leaf. Paper is going to take a while. Also, the leaf was toxic and the messenger died from prolonged handling of it. Ford was sent a commendation for inventive cruelty.

Meanwhile plans are being drawn up to produce the biggest fucking phallic symbol available to us right now to show the rest of the world that SDN means colossal wastes of time at the expense of cheap labour. And we will have plenty of cheap labour available soon, as our smiths are about to uncover the secrets of bronze, opening up the option of really ramping up the BDSM scene.

Additionally, analysis of what our scouts have brought us leads us to believe that the continent we have discovered ourselves on is in fact a gigantic phallus with a few islands ejaculating out of the tip where we live. We have dubbed this landmass Gon-Dong-aland. Our chief scientists speculate that we might be able to sent scout ships out to the west and reach the far eastern side of the continet, allowing us the tactical flexibility to really fuck our enemies up from an angle they weren't expecting.

At present our latest lines of research have been the wheel, archery, and bronze working. The possibility of rushing to sailing and finding resources our foes have not yet discovered is a tantalizing option, but as of yet we cannot deal with the jungles around New Australia, and disturbingly the tried and true method of 'Kill it with fire!' only seems to be making the fuckers stronger. We need sharper blades, ones made from iron, to vanquish this menace. Additionally, claims from barbarians that we are uncultured brutes abound. We have considered establishing a state religion revolving around worship of the governors around monumental penis statues. Finally there are complaints that the chariots don't work very well with dissidents strapped to the yoke and finding horses would greatly improve their effectiveness.

So what shall we research next and shall we adopt organized slavery?

Tech up to iron working, then whatever gets us the Oracle. Oh, sweet sweet Oracle...

Iron working is currently the most expensive tech available to us, so its going to take a long time to get there. If we want the Oracle, it might be advisable to go for it straight away. And the required tech is Priesthood.

Oracle is probably worth hard-teching for. Though I will defer to the experience of better Civ players than I.

I dunno what this Oracle business is, but I suggest we found some other Fortune 500 company. Something that produces something tangible, y'know?

I've never played Civilization, but I think my status means I should get a Governorship bigger than Ford's (or at least, equal) when the next opportunity arises, nah? Maybe call it...Alberta?

Yeah. That would be pretty sweet.

Millenia from now, when we look back at the world and wonder why biodiversity is so much more limited compared with the ancient days, all fingers will be pointing at me.

Now, find me some more animals to kill! Er, after I get these fangs pulled out of my ass.

May I have directorship of social engineering? We need to explain to our populance how their current situation differs from slavery.

Also, what version and difficulty?

Peptuck wrote:Millenia from now, when we look back at the world and wonder why biodiversity is so much more limited compared with the ancient days, all fingers will be pointing at me.

Now, find me some more animals to kill! Er, after I get these fangs pulled out of my ass.

Making a difference- it is what we do.

It's vanilla Civ 4 on noble difficulty, so while things are relatively easy, its not exactly a cakewalk either.

So I fiddled around a bit more, and I now have this question to ask:

Police state or representation?

This in no way relates to the gigantic edifices possibly constructed to commemorate Lord Wong's penis or his wife's boobs.

Academia Nut wrote: Police state or representation?

Pah! The last thing we want is all those slaves in the gulags having a say in their destiny. Police state!

Peptuck wrote:

Academia Nut wrote: Police state or representation?

Pah! The last thing we want is all those slaves in the gulags having a say in their destiny. Police state!

But if we give them freedom we can get higher tech weapons and subjugate foreigners. Plus, women totally dig men in uniform. Also, it makes specialist more attractive which means... Great People.

What are we calling the religions? Sith, Trekkie, Jedi, Hedonism...

Hmmmm... hard to say on the religions, but since it looks like Confucianism may be the religion we found, we may just keep it so that when smiting foreigners we can say "Confucius says 'See you in hell, motherfucker!'" That said, Taoism definitely = Jedism.

And yes, the pros of representation are faster teching up and more great people, while also making the populace happier while we simultaneously oppress them. The happiness is possibly caused by massive, pointless senate debates that generally devolve either into orgies or blood sport, so the populace remains amused. The pros of police state are faster unit production, and the populace is more bloodthirsty so they don't particularly care about the miseries of war. Oh, and all of our uniforms will be designed by Hugo Boss.

I wish to sign up to lead the fleet in a glorious campaign of conquest and piracy! As soon as we build it, I mean. Until then I will hang out on the pier and fish.

You missed a few details- representation costs less (although Lord Wong has the ability to ignore most of the administrative costs by executing people who increase the paper work load- seriously, that is one of his traits), representative's happiness only works for 6 cities and its science bonus only applies for specialists. Note that police state only halves it- you need Mt Rushmore for the other half.

Have we started building the pyramids yet? I never played 4, but IIRC the pyramids generally give a fairly kickass buff in the early stages of the previous games

My research must not be impeded by mere fashion sense! I demand Representation, so I might skim more money each year from the budget for my insane plans and ideas!

I'll be your evil viking neighbors, bribe me, and I will rape and pillage elsewhere.

If available, I'd like to represent le French tribe

edit: nevermind, old Boney isn't included in this game
edit 2: unless it's the unknown civilization

I wanna be a general. Or a prophet or something. I will gladly spread the word of truth for our Communist Confucianist overlords.

Phantasee wrote:I dunno what this Oracle business is, but I suggest we found some other Fortune 500 company. Something that produces something tangible, y'know?

I've never played Civilization, but I think my status means I should get a Governorship bigger than Ford's (or at least, equal) when the next opportunity arises, nah? Maybe call it...Alberta?

Yeah. That would be pretty sweet.

But this time, the capital should be called Calgary

Phantasee for Govenor of Alberta! As long as he doesn't throw change at homeless people