A Neptune's Pride AAR
What is Neptune's Pride?
Neptune's Pride is this silly little browser-based 4x game. It's extremely simple in all ways; the game is essentially boiled down to the essentials. The fun involved is the multiplayer aspect- you are striving constantly against seven other players to conquer a full 50% of the known Galaxy. Alliances will be short, and based on mutual advantage rather than any of the higher virtues of humankind (or, in the case of Pornoslavia, weird space-snake creature kind.) Moreover, the game is played out over a long period of time- dispatching a fleet can take hours, and you only receive resources from your worlds once a day. So this is going to be quite a project. It's real time, though, so constant vigilance is necessary. I don't doubt that a single night out drinking may doom my sweet empire.
But such negative thoughts are to be set aside for the nonce. The tale of the Principality of Pornoslavia must be told! I sweep you off, dear reader, to Hyadum- Crown Jewel of the Principality, and the seat from which his Pornographic Majesty rules with a gentle but authoritative tentacle.
Our tale begins...
The Office of the Foreign Minister
It was around eleven in the morning when the Prince paid a visit to the Foreign Minister. Suffice to say the Minister was deeply shocked; after all this was the earliest in the day he'd ever seen the Prince rouse himself. Why, it was unlikely that last night's drink had even begun to convert itself gently into a hangover- but there he was, princely garb all mussed, tentacles in disarray, eyes bleary form yet another epic evening of debauchery. Even advanced medical tests would have had trouble explaining his ability to stand. And yet, the Prince was worked up into a frenzy! He was practically bursting with energy as he strode into the Minister's quiet and efficient office.
"Minister, you must attend to me at once. I have the Prince's Itch." The Minister, a rotund and practical sort, blanched noticeably as he reached for the phone.
"Again, your excellency? Well, I'll have the Minister of Medication around in just a moment. You really ought to watch what you stick your..."
"No, no, no," said the Prince, oozing impatience. "Not that itch. You see, last night I had something of a revelation. I was deeply involved in exploring the quivering orifices of a Galbraxian hyperskank, while wedged pleasantly between the Lust Triplets of Lesbonnon 12, when it occurred to me that there might be something more to life than the constant pursuit of unimaginable, mind-blowing, toe-curling, heart-stopping..."
"I get the picture, your Majesty." The Minister's mind was rarely blown, and the simple thought of toe-curling put him off his lunch. "But what else could you possibly want?"
At this, a gleam suddenly appeared in the Prince's eye. His back straightened, and his cape seemed to blow from suddenly-squared shoulders.
"Glory!" said the Prince. "Empire!" His eyes narrowed, and a smile played across his lips "... a chance to sample the famed pleasure-domes of Antares, and beyond."
The Minister felt a sinking feeling in his stomaches. "But my lord, Pornoslavia hasn't engaged in such violent hijinks since the reign of your great-grandfather, Cambrax the Violator. Our fleets are antique, and our industry is hardly tooled up for war. And those decency laws they passed in the Galactic UN have slashed the profits from our largest exports."
"Hogwash! Nonsense!" shouted the Prince. "Is it not said that their is no problem Pornoslavians can't wiggle their way out of?"
"... I believe the saying is 'in to', my Lord..."
"We shall rebuild the fleets! Modernize the infrastructure! And our legions shall march forth until the stars themselves bow towards the glory of Pornoslavia!
Now hop to it, Minister. I want reports on the galactic situation, our military strength, and our immediate prospects from bringing more worlds into the waiting arms and tentacles of Pornoslavia."
The Minister realized that the comfortable sinecure his job had been- consisting largely of importing exotic dancers from distant stars- would soon be replaced with a great deal of *real* work.
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Military/Diplomatic Planning
"As you can see, we currently share close borders with two powers. To the immediate south is the Eidolon. Their favorite color is lime green, so we have marked their worlds as such on the starmap. To our southwest is the realm of the House of Alex. I mention these gentlemen because we have immediate territorial disputes with both."
An Eidolon. Attractiveness: Rock Star. Favorite color: Lime green. Favorite position: Reverse cowgirl. Biggest concerns: Colonizing the Eastern Marches, dealing with being stuck in the corner of the map.
Your typical Alexian. Attractiveness: Neck Bearded D&D GM. Favorite color: Purple. Favorite position: Hermaphroditic dueling. Biggest concerns: Eidolon to the east, and the expanding Kromish and Gooschmackian empires to the West and South.
"These are the Eastern Marches. Our current starship technology does not allow us access- but the Eidolon have no such concerns. However, our scientists assure us that in a short while the technology to reach these worlds will be in place. The problem is, if the Eidolon control most of the region, we'll find our home systems suddenly menaced all along our Eastern flank. Therefor, I have taken the liberty of arranging a border agreement which splits the Eastern Marches with the Eidolon. Since we can't actually get there yet, we have to hope that it succeeds in keeping them from over-running the region before we are ready to move in."
"The Western Marches. Here, to, we face difficulties. Alex has already taken Arneb, an important choke-point. While the majority of the Western Marches are ours without any difficulty, Alexian control of Arneb grants control of the choke-point to our neighbors. To protect our interests, we have made an agreement to demilitarize the region. However, this is also our only currently assailable border. Until range technology improves, the Eastern Marches are safe. As such, I have ordered that our strongest fleets be used to secure the region. The carriers HPMS Double Vaginal and Hot Schoolgirl Action, each with a fleet of 15 parasite warships, have been dispatched to secure the planets in the area. Should we decide war to take Arneb is necessary, we will be well prepared!"
"To the South, we can see Alex and Eidolon growing closer. When they meet, what will be the result? Analysis of Alex's actions- his willingness to leave Arneb unprotected- suggests that his long-term plans are in other directions. In that case, our reasoning for immediate war for Arneb disappears, as it won't be a springboard for invasion. Therefor, I believe it will be in our best interest to prepare to maneuver Alex and Eidolon into war with one another. After all, Eidolon is in a corner. He has to expand through me or through Alex. I just need to make it seem like Alex is the best target, and then assist Alex in any way I can."
Economic Planning
At this stage, it's all being re-invested in expanding the economy. The chances of immediate attack are slim, and so I intend on spending the next few days opening up new photo shoots, hiring new starlets, and exploring more depths of indecency so as to increase my income dramatically. Pornoslavia is already one of the top ecnomic powers. The danger is that if I wait to long to switch from economic expansion to expanding my industry and technology, I won't be able to translate my cash intobattlefield success. Finding the right point to switch to a war economy will be difficult.
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Tune in this Tuesday for another exciting episode of "Pornoslavia!"
