Let's Play: BERF CERTIFICATING IT UP

[MKSheppard]

You are inside a NONDESCRIPT COLLEGE CLASSROOM.



The students are filing in for the FIRST DAY OF CLASSES. As they enter, FILTHY FEELIPINO JANITOR gives them the EVIL EYE and mutters OBSCENITIES about their PARENTAGE as he pushes his BUCKET FULL OF FILTHY WATER out of the classroom, having finished that morning's JANITORALIZING.

MILDLY DERANGED PHYSICIST enters the room and begins writing his name on the whiteboard. He lists a stack of BOOKS which are ABSOLUTELY MANDATORY for his class. Some of the students CHECK BOOK PRICES with their phones and groan. USED BOOK PRICES for all of the BOOKS are $300 USD minimally.

As the STUDENTS are GROANING, a LARGE IRRITABLE DOG enters the room, PANTING.

The noise catches MILDLY DERANGED PHYSICIST's ears and upon SEEING THE DOG, he begins having a PSYCHOTIC REACTION.

The DOG seems to not NOTICE, being more interested in suddenly yawning. It YAWNS WIDE, and with a COUGHING noise, THROWS UP on the SPOTLESS FLOOR.

Gagging several more times, it then turns around and LEAVES THE ROOM.

FILTHY FEELIPINO JANITOR smells the DOG VOMIT and runs into the room shouting TAGALONG OBSCENITIES.

As he begins to JANITORALIZE the pile of DOG VOMIT, FEELIPINO JANITOR notices a PIECE OF PAPER in the middle of the VOMIT. Picking it up and wiping it off with his SLEEVE, he notices that it is a BIRTH CERTIFICATE and it is from the state of HAWAII.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

[Note: I had this idea way back when, but held off due to my sabattical. Consider this a 'spiritual sequel' to SCRAMMING IT UP, with many of the same characters coming back.]

[PeZook]

The POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT has a sudden BOUT of DEJA VU.

He does not KNOW what to THINK of it. He could SWEAR he KNOWS some of THESE PEOPLE.

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT Says: I swear I saw you people before. And dog. You people and dog.

[Darth Fanboy]

I offer a SMALL BAGGIE OF MUSHROOMS to FILTHY FEELIPINO in exchange for the item.

[Scottish Ninja]

QUIET STUDENT does not seem to be paying ATTENTION. He is WRITING in his NOTEBOOK. The NOTEBOOK has DOODLES of ROCKETS and charts of NUMBERS. He may be pretending to be a RUSSIAN and/or SEVERAL RUSSIANS.

[Eternal_Freedom]

ENGLISH STUDENT also IGNORES EVENTS. HE is PLAYING a SPACE FLIGHT SIM on his LAPTOP while SITTING at the BACK.

GRADUALLY though, a Sense of NOSTALGIA OVERWHELMS HIM. He LOOKS ROUND, CONVINCED that He and SEVERAL OTHERS of the ENSEMBLE were ELSEWHERE just MOMENTS AGO.

[TimothyC]

REAL GODDAMN AMERICAN STUDENT notices that MILDLY DERANGED PHYSICIST looks familiar. He also notices the slip of paper, and makes a note on his HP TOUCHPAD to ask the JANITOR about it Later.

[PeZook]

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT is DOODLING a PICTURE of a MAGNIFICENT SPACEPLANE that he hopes to BUILD one DAY. He WONDERS when the LECTURE will RESUME.

He seems OBLIVIOUS to the IMPORTANT DOCUMENT that is currently COVERED in DOG VOMIT.

[Lonestar]

MOUNTAINSQUID notes that this always HAPPENS thanks to him being a PART TIME community college student.

The MOUNTAINSQUID goes back to reading his book about THE BRITISH PACIFIC FLEET.

[MKSheppard]

You are inside a NONDESCRIPT COLLEGE CLASSROOM.

The POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT suddenly blurts out "I saw you before! You and your dog!"

This brings quizzical looks from MILDLY DERANGED PHYSICIST.

"No, I've never seen you before...I think," he replies. "As for that dog, it most definitely is not mine!"

As MILDLY DERANGED PHYSICIST says that last word, he suddenly REMEMBERS MORE.

"No," he shouts. "Not the dog! Not the janitor! Not the shitting! Not the vomit!"

Everyone watches nervously as MILDLY DERANGED PHYSICIST appears to be having a TOTAL NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

MOUNTAINSQUID sighs and begins PLANNING TO CHANGE COURSES. This class was CHEAP and CONVENIENT for him in the CLASS LISTINGS, but it looks like a CLUSTERFUCK waiting to happen now.

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT looks quizzically at his teacher having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN before resuming his doodling of a MAGNIFICENT SPACEPLANE. The drawing seems STRANGELY FAMILIAR.

ENGLISH STUDENT looks over the POLISH STUDENT's shoulder and upon seeing the DOODLING OF MAGNIFICENT SPACEPLANE, he is also struck by an INTENSE SENSE OF NOSTALGIA.

Before FILTHY FEELIPINO JANITOR can leave the room with the BIRTH CERTIFICATE, HIPPIE STUDENT walks up to him and offers him a SMALL BAGGIE OF MUSHROOMS.

FEELIPINO JANITOR sniffs the SMALL BAGGIE and wrinkles his nose. He begins ARGUING in TAGALONGLISH with HIPPIE STUDENT over the QUALITY OF THE SHROOMS.

HIPPIE STUDENT finally tires of ARGUING in TAGALONGLISH with the clearly INSANE FEEELIPINO JANITOR and KICKS HIM IN THE NADS.

He DROPS the SMALL BAGGIE OF MUSHROOMS onto the INSENSATE INSANE FEELIPINO JANITOR and picks up the BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

EXAMINING it FURTHER, HIPPIE STUDENT finds that it shows a DATE OF BIRTH of AUGUST 4, 1961 for ONE BARRY HUSSEIN SHROOMBAMA, and is otherwise NONDESCRIPT.

HIPPIE STUDENT mutters "Fuck this." and picks up the SMALL BAGGIE OF MUSHROOMS. He is about to drop the BIRTH CERTIFICATE in the TRASH BIN when REAL GODDAMN AMERICAN STUDENT asks him for the BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

Shrugging, HIPPIE STUDENT drops it onto REAL GODDAMN AMERICAN STUDENT's desk.

The student then INSPECTS IT FURTHER, via the MAGICAL ACT OF TURNING OVER THE PAPER.

On the back of the BIRTH CERTIFICATE is a series of NUMBERS. Using his HP TOUCHPAD, he checks the numbers on the INTERNETS and finds that they point to a nondescript airfield SOMEWHERE IN THE ZENOBIAN OBLAST OF RUSSIA.

[What do you do?]

[KhorneFlakes]

(OOC: Consider me in.)

POTENTIALLY PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN sits down at the back of the NONDESCRIPT COLLEGE CLASSROOM. He notices that he is SLIGHTLY LATE. In hopes of looking like he is doing something POTENTIALLY PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN begins writing equations for Pi OVER AND OVER. He is however distracted by POLISH STUDENT and ENGLISH STUDENT. Stretching his neck, he attempts to see what POLISH STUDENT and ENGLISH STUDENT are doing. He only gets a glimpse of what they are doing, but notices a drawing of a MAGNIFICENT SPACEPLANE.

POTENTIALLY PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN is hit by a wave of nostalgia FOR SOME REASON. He shrugs and decides that the MAGNIFECENT SPACEPLANE has INSUFFICIENT DAKKA.

[Scottish Ninja]

QUIET STUDENT wrinkles his NOSE at the SMELL of the BIRTH CERTIFICATE. Disturbed by the SMELL, he LOOKS AROUND.

...huh. QUIET STUDENT gets an ODD FEELING that he KNOWS some of these PEOPLE but can't remember who they are.

QUIET STUDENT looks over at REAL GODDAMN AMERICAN STUDENT. "Zenobian Oblast - what? That can't be a real place..." QUIET STUDENT'S ACCENT reveals him to be NOT RUSSIAN in the SLIGHTEST, but rather a CHICAGOAN.

QUIET STUDENT looks back at his NOTEBOOK. His HEAD snaps up, wildly SCANNING the ROOM. He KNOWS. He KNOWS EVERYTHING.

QUIET STUDENT leans back in his CHAIR and begins to POLISH his GLASSES, hoping to avoid attracting ATTENTION.

[FaxModem1]

STUDENT WEARING STAINED APRON feels a sense of Deja vu. He looks over to ENGLISH STUDENT and REAL GODDAMN AMERICAN STUDENT and the rest of the crowd.

"Oh god, it's the last season of LOST all over again."

STUDENT WEARING STAINED APRON checks BACKPACK for NICKEL PLATED PISTOLS. Zipping up the bag, he waits for what is next to come.

[Shroom Man 777]

FILTHY FEELIPINO JANITOR secretly SWAPPED the SMALL BAGGIE OF MUSHROOMS with a SMALL COLOSTOMY BAG which the HIPPIE STUDENT took instead

FEELIPEENO JANITOR rolls outside while keeping the SMALL BAGGIE OF MUSHROOMS

THERE IS A SHRIEK OF HORROR as the HIPPIE STUDENT opens his SMALL BAGGIE to ACQUIRE SOME SHROOMS and INSTEAD gets PIECES OF SHITS

"YES"

[FaxModem1]

STUDENT WEARING STAINED APRON raises hand and asks MILDLY DERANGED PHYSICIST if class can be moved or cancelled because of DOGSHIT SMELL in room.

[Zixinus]

HUNGARIAN in the MIDDLE ROW suddenly wakes up from his PRETENDING-TO-BE-LISTENING TRANCE and looks around.

He has an ODD sense that he has been TRANSPORTED from one STRANGE and BIZARRE situation full of MAD PEOPLE into ANOTHER REALITY.

Again.

HUNGARIAN checks himself. He notices that he has an ID badge that says he is an EXCHANGE STUDENT. He notices that he is wearing more formal clothes that the other students. He feels that there is SOMETHING MISSING from his FACE.

He is writing into a PAPER NOTEBOOK with PENCILS. HUNGARIAN checks his POCKETS.
He has a STORM LIGHTER, along with a SWISS ARMY POCKET KNIFE, a CHEAP (but reliable) CELLPHONE and a KEYRING.

He notes down down the teacher's name, textbooks required and other useful information.

With a BLANK PAPER, he makes a BUNDLE OF PAPER in case there is a good reason to start a fire.

[Simon_Jester]

OOC:

Unfortunately, guys, I think I'm gonna give this one a pass. MILDLY DERANGED PHYSICIST is an NPC to be run by Shep, unless I change my mind later (not likely) and he's kind enough to humor me (no idea what the odds of that are).

Still, will be viewing with amusement.

[TimothyC]

REAL GODDAMN AMERICAN STUDENT Starts to notice all of the weird other students in the class.

He keeps investigating, and starts looking at flights to ZENOBIAN OBLAST OF RUSSIA.

REAL GODDAMN AMERICAN STUDENT Files the paper away in a plastic bag he conveniently has with him.

[Force Lord]

PUERTORRICAN STUDENT is SNORING his ASS off.

[KhorneFlakes]

POTENTIALLY PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN looks to his left and right repeatedly. Pulling a WONDROUS SCHEMATIC from his desk's drawer, he folds it into a PAPER GLIDER. POTENTIALLY PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN throws the PAPER GLIDER in the direction of POLISH STUDENT, in the hopes that POLISH STUDENT will add more DAKKA to his MAGNIFICENT SPACEPLANE.

[PeZook]

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT is HIT in the EYE with the PAPER AIRPLANE.

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT YELLS our in PAIN. He is REALLY ANGRY.

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT Says: Ow!

POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT throws a PHYSICS TEXTBOOK at the POTENTIALLY PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN.

The PHYSICS TEXTBOOK is hardly AERODYNAMIC, but compensates with HEAVYNESS. EXTREME HEAVYNESS.

[Zixinus]

Hungarian student IGNITES his previously prepared BUNDLE OF PAPER below the desk and SKILFULLY and STEALTHILY throws it right below PUERTORRICAN STUDENT's CHAIR while everyone's attention is diverted by POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT's INJURY.

IMMEDIATELY afterwards, HUNGARIAN STUDENT will PRETEND TO BE LISTENING TO TEACHER with an INNOCENT FACE.

[Force Lord]

PUERTORRICAN STUDENT begins to smell SMOKE. He wakes up IRRITATED. Looking below the CHAIR, he sees a BURNING BUNDLE OF PAPER about to burn his NEW SHOES. He PANICS and gets up SWIFTLY, SWEARING in SPANISH.

[MKSheppard]

You are inside a NONDESCRIPT COLLEGE CLASSROOM.



POTENTIALLY PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN STUDENT is writing Pi over and over in an attempt to look busy. The HOT BABE sitting next to him looks at the endless lines of 3.14 being printed over and over and rolls her eyes.

QUIET STUDENT is POLISHING HIS GLASSES over and over. He also attracts the attention of HOT BABE, who buries her head in her hands. "I'm surrounded by fucking psychotics!" she shouts.

STUDENT WEARING STAINED APRON checks his bag, and finds a BRACE OF NICKEL PLATED PISTOLS. Looking out the corners of his eyes, he quickly ZIPS UP THE BAG before anyone can see the INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE.

The HUNGARIAN in the MIDDLE ROW begins to make a BUNDLE OF PAPER in case he needs to SET SOMETHING ON FIRE with his STORM LIGHTER. He has a SWISS ARMY POCKET KNIFE, a CHEAP CELLPHONE and a KEYRING in his pockets.

REAL GODDAMN AMERICAN STUDENT Files the BIRTH CERTIFICATE away in a plastic bag he conveniently has with him.

PUERTO RICAN STUDENT is SNORING.

POTENTIALLY PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN STUDENT tires of WRITING PI over and over, and decides to GET THE ATTENTION OF POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT. He folds a MAGNIFICENT PAPER AIRPLANE and THROWS it at the POLISH STUDENT.

THE POLISH STUDENT is HIT IN THE EYE BY MAGNIFICENT PAPER AIRPLANE.

It fucking HURTS, and in REPLY, POLISH STUDENT throws his TEXTBOOK at POTENTIALLY PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN STUDENT.

The MAGNIFICENTLY HEAVY TEXTBOOK catches the PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN STUDENT SQUARE IN THE FACE and KNOCKS HIM OUT COLD.

HUNGARIAN STUDENT decides the time is right for a DIVERSION. He SETS ON FIRE the BUNDLE OF PAPER and tosses it under PUERTO RICAN STUDENT's DESK, while everyone is DISTRACTED by the PSYCHOTIC AUSTRALIAN STUDENT being KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS.

PUERTO RICAN STUDENT begins to smell SMOKE. He wakes up IRRITATED. Looking below the CHAIR, he sees a BURNING BUNDLE OF PAPER about to burn his NEW SHOES. He PANICS and gets up SWIFTLY, SWEARING in SPANISH.

At this point, the HIPPIE STUDENT opens his SMALL BAGGIE OF MUSHROOMS in order to ACQUIRE SOME SHROOMS.

A horrible SMELL fills the room. Unbeknownst to HIPPIE STUDENT, the FILTHY FEELIPINO JANITOR has SWAPPED it with a SMALL COLOSTOMY BAG.

As the BALUT-FLAVORED STENCH OF POO fills the room, the UNIQUE SMELL reaches everyone's nostrils and TRIGGERS RECOLLECTIONS.

You are inside MAGNIFICENT SPACEPLANE. It is GETTING HOT. SHIT is FOULING THE CONTROLS. An alarm is GOING OFF. FEELIPINO JANITOR is ROLLING AROUND IN ZERO GEE, and simultaneously VOMITING and SHITTING from EVERY ORIFICE, adding to the VOMIT already FLOATING IN ZERO GEE.

What do you do?

Everyone REMEMBERS SUPPRESSED MEMORIES, thanks to RECOLLECTION OF BALUT FLAVORED POO.

What do you do?

[OOC -- You remember some stuff, not everything. This is because:

A. We're already contradicting ourselves -- POLISH EXCHANGE STUDENT was never in SCRAMMING UP, since he was the MODERATOR; but he obviously REMEMBERS SOMETHING.

B. I never finished SCRAMMING UP, so I don't know what happened six-seven months ago with the game.]

[Zixinus]

HIT the NEAREST FIRE ALARM!

[FaxModem1]

STUDENT WEARING STAINED APRON remembers repairing things, fires, being in a oxygen-less cabin as an airlock opened, interrogations by Australians, AMERICAN FBI AGENTS being fried by a SPACEPLANE.

That's when it clicked. STUDENT WEARING STAINED APRON stands up and shouts "RAVENSBURG! How did we forget the RAVENSBURG?"

He looks at the others as he marches around the room, making sure to avoid the FIRE and HIPPIE'S POO STAINED BAG.

"There were government officials, cultists, and a chase with another spaceplane. We fought him" He points at FILIPINO JANITOR. "And we rescued him." He points at the dog.

"Oh god, how is this possible? I'm not supposed to be a delivery guy until I finish college and master cooking in the kitchen." STUDENT WEARING STAINED APRON says while referencing STAINED APRON. "I remember you." He says, pointing to ENGLISH STUDENT."

"I remember you." He says, pointing to the HUNGARIAN."Only, you had fur on your face, and it was glorious."

He points at QUIET STUDENT. "You were there too, don't deny it."

He finally looks at MILDLY DERANGED PHYSICIST. "And you, you were there too. Only now, you're our teacher."

As FIRE ALARM goes off, STUDENT WEARING STAINED APRON gets covered in SPRINKLER WATER.