SWG Programmer loses it.. quits! Rant inside!

ArmorPierce · Post by **ArmorPierce** » 2004-09-28 06:26pm

Copied and pasted from a copy and paste that was slightly edited for language.

"Greetings and suck me. I'm Jeff Woods, maintenance programmer for Star Wars Galaxies: An Empire Divided. As a maintenance programmer it is my responsibility to manage existing code, write bug fixes, integrate new code while analyzing its impact on existing functionality and be the brunt of your jokes and flames on the forums. Suck me. I'm writing this Friday Feature because I'm about sick of your, the valued customer's, torrent of never ending sass-mouth and ill-informed crap. I repeat, suck me. Suck me long. Suck me hard.

Being a maintenance programmer is such a privileged joy and honor. I get to spend anywhere from eight to twelve, sometimes as many as sixteen straight hours a day locked in an eight by eight cube grinding my arse out writing code that you freaks don't appreciate. Did I mention you can suck me? What I love best is you forum jockeys lamenting the game code while you most likely work in a porn theater as a janitor or mooch off my tax dollars as an unemployed turd, sitting on a couch with no cushion with Chef Boyardee stains all over your wife beater. If you think you can write better netcode I invite you to come down and have a go, after you suck me of course....freak.

Does the game have bugs? Yeah, it has a helluva lot of bugs. What the fvck you think I'm doing here c-ck gobbler? I'm trying to fix the god d-mn game but you little whiney #@%$!es want new s--t too. New s--t equals more bugs. IT NEVER ENDS! WHEN I GET ON TOP OF THE HILL I GET BURIED IN A BIGGER PILE OF DUNG! I HATE YOU ALL! DIE! Plus I don't make the decisions, I just code. I wish I did. I'd put a god d-mn virus in each and every one of your machines and blow up your s--t!

Why don't you test the code before you deploy it?

Hey! Why don't you suck me!?

We do test it Corky. Unfortunately we can not test to the level of ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND concurrent users to see EVERY bug that may exist. Also some bugs require the "Moron Quotient". That's where you come in. Only morons could uncover some of this crap because right thinking people don't dismount their swoop while trying to call a pet going into a Krayt spawn with orange hotpants AND trying to compose a new email at the same time. Just suck me, I'm sick of justifying myself to a bunch of Monday Morning Quarterbacks who don't even possess the prowess to negotiate the complexities of the local ATM machine. I'll take your coding advice when you can finally figure out how to stop that 12:00 AM on your microwave from blinking incessantly Mr. Beautiful Mind.

Ok, you can't fix all the bugs but can you at least listen to us?

Hey! How about I listen to the "glup, slurp, glup" sounds as you suck me!?

I'll tell you why I don't listen. I can only read so much of your stupid arse bull s--t before I lose all faith in the future of humanity and start sorting my guns by barrel flavor. Reading your tripe only confirms the world is full of stupid people with stupid ideas. If good ideas were beers I wouldn't have enough from the forums to get a buzz.

Seriously, let's listen to what you have to say! Here's some gems from the forums that you guys wrote. Names withheld to protect the retarded.

I worked hard by afking 16 profassions to beacoming a Jedi (I had to learn auto-cliker lol!) I should beable to kill ne1 who atatcks me in one hit from my sabar and ne1 I kill should lose XP 2. What do u think?
Aye, you sure "worked hard"! Hard work is coding for 48 hours straight so some guy who spends $15 can call you an arsehole. I'll get right on this one.

I'm an Impereal and I think I should be able to have teh ATAT pet and call it and it should hve a million HAM and pwnzor teh Rebals! lolz
Laugh.
Out.
Loud.
Retard.

TKs shoud haev stun Vibrator Knuckles w/ Mind Fire!11
And your parents should have had an abortion...although I do agree that the game needs "Vibrator Knuckles". Hell, Vibrator anything...d-mn "T for Teen" rating. You get half credit, I kill you last.

I can't read these ideas. I actually feel myself getting dumber if I do. I don't get paid enough for this crap...I quit. After two years of this crap I'M OUT!

Suck me.

- Joe
"

Comedy gold

Sharp-kun · Post by **Sharp-kun** » 2004-09-28 06:32pm

Oh me oh my

The Kernel · Post by **The Kernel** » 2004-09-28 06:39pm

What a fucking idiot. If he doesn't like what people post on the SWG forums then he can just ignore them, he doesn't need to lash out at paying customers. Despite the stupidity of their claims, that's exactly what they are: paying customers and every company has to deal with customer complaints if they want to stay in business.

It's obvious that this guy's real beef is with his job and its pretty clear that quitting was exactly what he should have done.

desertjedi · Post by **desertjedi** » 2004-09-28 07:11pm

Now that is quite possibly the funniest thing I have read all year long.

Sharp-kun · Post by **Sharp-kun** » 2004-09-28 07:14pm

The Kernel wrote:What a fucking idiot. If he doesn't like what people post on the SWG forums then he can just ignore them, he doesn't need to lash out at paying customers. Despite the stupidity of their claims, that's exactly what they are: paying customers and every company has to deal with customer complaints if they want to stay in business.

It's obvious that this guy's real beef is with his job and its pretty clear that quitting was exactly what he should have done.

I wouldn't call him an idiot. Its quite possible he just had a bad day and wanted to vent, just as some people here do in the HoS.

Stravo · Post by **Stravo** » 2004-09-28 07:45pm

I thought this was hilarious!! I was especially impressed that he managed to maintain the overall theme of his piece - suck me. Laugh out lines included such gems as "Why don't you listen to us?" "Well why don't you listen to the slurp gobble slurp of you sucking me." I had to wipe a tear.

Any clue what happened to him and what the response was on the forum.

Utsanomiko · Post by **Utsanomiko** » 2004-09-28 07:57pm

I do hope that's a joke.

But reading it makes it sound like Woods either has even less tolerance of negative criticism than Kurt Stangle and no Moron Filter (a useful ability I learned while trying to recruit within the WC3 'modding community'), or he's way too full of himself.

Of the company tells him what to code and the company's customers get mad about it, yet he decides to get on top his office chair an make a disgruntled speech about it? He can take his Hurt Bunny Complex and stuff it up his ass, then. Who the fuck does he think he is to shoulder the burden of angry complaints made over work that he's not even in charge of picking? Of course people aren't happy with what's programmed into Star Wars Galaxies; it's lead by developers with the prioritization skills of someone who worries about what wallpaper to put in their kitchen when the house's main problem is it's on fire. But oh no, poor Jeff Woods- he works so hard and still manages to act like he's responsible for hte designers' fuckups. Poor little shit.

Maybe this is all due to the stress of having to finally copy the 'hold items' code from backpacks and paste it onto craftable bookcases and dressers. Fifteen months this game has been live, and they finally take a 6 month break from inane Publishes VII through XI (R2-D2 Strikes Back, Droids That Make Noise, and Hand-Job of the Jedi Part 1 & 2) to add existing, working code onto the objects that were useless without it. Wonder how many programmers and designers will go postal near the end of the year when they start trying to fix half the combat specials, redesign more than a third of the weapons and all the armor in the game to make them acutally useful...

Lord Poe · Post by **Lord Poe** » 2004-09-28 08:08pm

That was one of the best rants ever. And I can fully relate with him.

SPOOFE · Post by **SPOOFE** » 2004-09-28 08:25pm

Wah wah wah. What a whiny bitch.

"I work so hard, I work my ass off, wah wah wah!"

Yeah, but YOUR PRODUCT SUCKS, DUDE!!!

I don't care HOW hard someone tries. "Trying" only wins points in High School. If the end product is good, I don't care if it was effortless. If the end product is bad, I don't care how many layers of hell he scraped his way through to make it.

The movie Cutthroat Island got thwomped at the box office... why? They spent a lot of money on it! They put a lot of effort into it! The director wanted to turn his wife into a STAR! Why didn't anyone SEE it?!?

Because it was a crappy movie!

Spare me the sob story. If you want me to appreciate your hard work, write a book and tell me a-a-a-a-a-all about it. Until then, go lock yourself in your cavern until you have a good product to put out.

darthdavid · Post by **darthdavid** » 2004-09-28 08:31pm

Hey shithead, he didn't make it. He had to fix the shit that others made.

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2004-09-28 09:18pm

Sharp-kun wrote:
The Kernel wrote:What a fucking idiot. If he doesn't like what people post on the SWG forums then he can just ignore them, he doesn't need to lash out at paying customers. Despite the stupidity of their claims, that's exactly what they are: paying customers and every company has to deal with customer complaints if they want to stay in business.

It's obvious that this guy's real beef is with his job and its pretty clear that quitting was exactly what he should have done.
I wouldn't call him an idiot. Its quite possible he just had a bad day and wanted to vent, just as some people here do in the HoS.

Though he should have the common and business sense to keep it inside company walls.

Vertigo1 · Post by **Vertigo1** » 2004-09-28 09:59pm

ROFL

I swear, after the day I've had, I needed something like that. Pure comedy gold.

Darth Garden Gnome · Post by **Darth Garden Gnome** » 2004-09-28 10:03pm

Now the real question is whether or not this is for real... if so, I will then procede to mock him mercilessly for this.

EDIT: Google searches confirm real-ness.

Jeff Woods, consider yourself mocked. Mercilessly.

ArmorPierce · Post by **ArmorPierce** » 2004-09-28 10:28pm

If he quit, there's little that anyone could do about his post but delete it. He chose the go out as a drama queen, happens a lot but might be tough for him to find a new employer for that particular job (or any job that requires good pr) but it looks like he didn't like that job anyway so he doesn't care.

Post by **Mr Bean** » 2004-09-28 10:28pm

Quite funny an excellent rate he does have some great points about how some devolpers don't see to understand that not fixing broken things is a bad thing

Marksist · Post by **Marksist** » 2004-09-28 10:55pm

Why is he "Jeff Woods" in the beggining, and then "-Joe" at the end?

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2004-09-28 11:26pm

I found it amusing.

Cal Wright · Post by **Cal Wright** » 2004-09-28 11:52pm

http://www.leftcorner.com/swg/ff/ff6.htm

it's a mock up.

Cal Wright · Post by **Cal Wright** » 2004-09-28 11:55pm

Oh that reminds me.

Pure. Comedy. Gold.

Utsanomiko · Post by **Utsanomiko** » 2004-09-29 12:32am

This reminded me of when way back when (don't remember when or where I said it), where I said I was just quietly waiting for one of the devs or correspondents would snap and pull a 'Marweas' Rodberg and go into bitch-mode at the lowest common player denominator. Remembering that reminds me of the environment that envoked such a comment in the first place.

I wouldn't have been so surprised if one of them actually said that, come to think of it. I would have thought 'Thunderheart' would have been more likely to do so, but then again he's such a sugar-coated Wal-mart greeter, for all I know he may have already done so using his typical 'productive attitude' and 'positive criticism' mantra in such thick amounts that nobody noticed.

Macross · Post by **Macross** » 2004-09-30 07:46pm

I can actually see a real SWG programmer doing this.

The sad thing is, his characterization of the SWG community is spot on.

SPOOFE · Post by **SPOOFE** » 2004-09-30 08:06pm

Hey shithead, he didn't make it. He had to fix the shit that others made.

Then why's he bitching at the CUSTOMERS? Shouldn't he be bitching at the idiots that DID make it?

I stand by my point: He's a whiny little bitch. Fuck him and his conceited ass, with a two-foot red-hot iron dildo.

Sharp-kun · Post by **Sharp-kun** » 2004-09-30 08:09pm

SPOOFE wrote: Then why's he bitching at the CUSTOMERS?

Because customers are the ones giving him grief.

Seriously. I work part time at a local store and I get hassled occasionally by shithead customers who like to blame me for things that are nothing to do with me (some mag they ordered hasn't come in for example). Yes, it's the suppliers fault and not the customers, but the supplier isn't the one standing their bitching about it to me

SPOOFE · Post by **SPOOFE** » 2004-09-30 08:14pm

Because customers are the ones giving him grief.

But the product deserves it. The product sucks. He is getting complaints because the product sucks. The blame rests on the people that made the product suck. The customers are not the ones that made the product suck.

Ergo, he is bitching at the people that shouldn't be bitched at. He should be bitching WITH the customers, like blaming them for all his life's problems.

"Whiny bitch" still stands.

Utsanomiko · Post by **Utsanomiko** » 2004-09-30 08:34pm

The site who wrote this spoof made it sound like Woods has zero moron filters, which just makes the programmer seem childish. If he is so competent, why does he even bother noticing the 10% of posts that suggest some profession needs to do 10x as much damage or armor should cost next to nothing or the Imperials shouldn't be allowed to have any faction pets or defended bases? I played the game for 5 months, and learned to ignore these trogs after 5 hours.

Hell, a professional like him should be able to even filter out the needy 'why don't these guns work after 15 months? Why has such-and-such quest been bugged for a year? Why don't 80% of combat specials do anything?' questions and just focus on what is in the doc.

It sounds like it was written by someone who either doesn't really get his role in the development team or doesn't realize that a lot of points made on the boards are valid. Then again, this is the dev team that outright said they didn't care about the boards they ask feedback from all the time and thought adding the space expansion was more important than making the Jedi profession and hologrinding reasonable and in turn more important than fixing the entire combat and weapons system, so maybe this is how one of them would write on a bad day.