StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Everyone says funny things over RPG's sometimes, what's the funniest you've ever heard?

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"Allright, while he does everything PG-13 and below to the bracers...."

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"The fire elementals change screaming 'don't burn the infdels'!"

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"Oh come on! He only stabbed you a few times!"

*Guards burst in*

"he, uh....fell on that knife"

*The guards glance at the crumpled body of the noble on the floor*

"13 times?"

*In EQ*
Me: *Sees guy having alot of trouble with an orc centurion* Need help?
guy: Yes!
Me: Oh. *Walks away*


/shout AMBASSADOR D'VINN IS OUT!

LOADING, PLEASE WAIT...

EQII

/shout I COMMAND PYTHUS TO SPAWN!!!
*Pythus Backstabs YOU for 59 damage!*

*snip* wtf was I thinking when I wrote that?!

From Anarchy Online:


*newbie runs past*
Newbie: JESUSJESUSJESUS

Me: What the hell?

*wave of uber-monsters rolls over me and sterilizes the area*

Losonti Tokash wrote:From Anarchy Online:


*newbie runs past*
Newbie: JESUSJESUSJESUS

Me: What the hell?

*wave of uber-monsters rolls over me and sterilizes the area*

If its a online game, can we demand screenshots?

Ace Pace wrote:

Losonti Tokash wrote:From Anarchy Online:


*newbie runs past*
Newbie: JESUSJESUSJESUS

Me: What the hell?

*wave of uber-monsters rolls over me and sterilizes the area*

If its a online game, can we demand screenshots?

Unfortunately, no. I didn't have the presence of mind to take a screenshot at the time and I've canceled my AO subscription since then.

Here's another quote, in the event that helps. This is from Earth & Beyond.

*high level characters take me and a friend of mine to an area where they can power level us*

My friend: what if one of those creatures comes over here?
Me: Cloak, dumbass.
MF: I'm a fucking Terran! (For anyone that hasn't played this game, only the Jenquai could cloak)
Me: Well, you're screwed then, aren't you?
*creature spawns next to me and blasts me before I can cloak*
Me: #@$@#%!
*friend runs away*

In retrospect, this seemed funnier before I wrote it.

EQ:

After a nice Cazic Thule wipe that I managed to survive due to mem blue and a stupid choice of illusion, "Holy Shit, I didn't know Cazic Thule conned warmly to Iksar!!!"

"No duh, how the fuck do you think we get to do this goddamned Whistling Fists quest?!? Now drag our corpses to the fucking zone in"

And then, after I managed to train the entire Amygdalan temple around the Fire Wall thrice while they dealt with a bad pull, "Damn kid, I didn't know stoners could do that!"

These are mostly "had to be there" moments as well as the tone of voice and inflection contributing to the hilarity, so I suppose they won't seem that funny.

Return to Castle Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory

I'm an Engineer and my bud's something else, we're sneaking into the objective but there's mines in the way. I tell him to cover me while I go out and disarm them. So I wander out, get out my pliers, set to work on the first mine...

*gunfire, ricochets, piffs, etc*

"You're NOT COVERING ME! You're FUCKING not covering me!!!"

*unintelligible screams from both parties, gunfire, explosions*

------------

"What? Jump on the mines?" - friend, after ordering him to stop when I spotted a minefield. Lame joke that persists to this day in a variety of games.

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Battlefield Vietnam

I'm piloting a Little Bird, my friend is in the other seat as an Engineer with his wrench, repairing any damage we take. We got hit by a shitload of ground fire all of a sudden, including at least one SA-7 and/or RPG-7. We're both talking to each other rapidly as the situation progressed. Something along these lines:

ME: Fuck, ground fire.
BUD: Yeah, I got it, I got it.
ME: Fuck, shit, damage here.
BUD: Repairing - FUCK
ME: FUCK! GODDAMN!
BUD: FUCKING EVADE GODDAMNIT!
ME: I AM FUCKING EVADING! FUCKING REPAIR GODDAMNIT!
BUD: I'M FUCKING REPAIRING AS- FUCK RPG!
ME: FUCK!
BUD: FUCK!
*unintelligble, high-pitched screaming ensues, we're talking little school-girl screams here. At the same time, the Little Bird was reduced to zero health, at which point the pilot loses control and the vehicle will explode within a few seconds. My bud's wrench is out of "juice" so I'm frantically trying to buy every millisecond of extra airborne-ness I can. The wrench's "juice" constantly recharges and my bud gets the vehicle's health back up to above zero, so I regain control and pull that sexy, manueverable little minx of a helicopter up at the very, very last second and manage to get it away from all the ground fire. After a few second of continued high-pitched squeals, we calm down.*

ME: We're cool... we're cool."
BUD: Yeah we're cool.
ME: We're cool.

Halo 2, 1 flag CTF, Coagulation.

Guy: They're coming through the hangar! They're coming through the--*death sound effect*
Idiot: Who's he talking about?

Here's an ancient one my friend and I use.
Originally from Perfect Dark co-op:

(said in a fading, last-breath sort of way) "...Use my corpse as cover!"

We've also recently adapted it for use in WoW (we both play Undead)

"Cannibalize my corpse for health!"

Me and a mate were playing GTA3 when we started quoting the Grosch beer ads of the time:

"Schtop, this <thing> isn't ready yet"
(Bad dutch accent)

It started with me heading towards a lake at full speed and i yelled "Stop" and he followed up with "This lake is not ready yet".

We ended up going through just about everything, including some weird ones ("What band are you listening to?" "A." "Schtop, this ABC is not ready yet")
Eventually i cracked up after this:

*Mate gets ito fire engine in game*
Me: Schtop! This fire engine is not ready yet.
*mate is just driving into Mafia territory*
Mate: Of course it's ready.
*BOOM*

As soon as he entred Mafia territory the shotguns were out and bang.

From a Feng Shui game: "Sun Yi, no! Do not become a prostitute!"- The Bruiser German English professor, despairing over the life choices of his students.

From Rifts PhaseWorld, to the Kreeghor troops guarding our quarters "Is it too late to defect?"

Out off game quote "This is nastiness. I sent you to pick up Ice cream, and you bring me Nastiness"

"I attack the supervillain with my withering touch atemi. You are going to have to determine the precise interaction between the pressure point attack and his super power of metal form, but its not going to matter right now, because I'm going to fumble", *roll die*, "Yup"- From a Heroes unlimited game, exact words spoken by me

"The subject suffered from assorted abrasions and contusions from the building falling on him, also resulting in eseveral minor fractures. There were also a number of severe burn marks on his body, as if a high energy beam weapon of some sort was used against him, this also seems to have caused the severing of his right arm. The tip of his tonge was missing. Cause of Death: Drowning"-Autopsy report of my character after the incident above, when the fumble resulted in me biting off my own tongue, passing out from shock, and drowning in my own blood.

While playing HKAT (I was Directing a modern action movie):

Me: "The triad goons are lined up across the street, suddenly they all go for their guns -" I then roll no less than 10 1-3's on a d20 for the goons shooting "- before realising that they all had left their guns back a the tea house."

Player: "Well... Shit. I unload my micro Uzi's at them."

Me: "They all fucking die for being incompetent."

Everyone else: can't stop laughing.


While playing Stargate SG:1 (I again was GMing)

Me (in the role of a village chieftan): "So, where is it that you come from?"

Cookie (a moron - in real life, just in case you were wondering - who's playing a Daniel Jackson type character): "We come from a planet called Earth, where we are ... (spends about 2 minutes talking in detail about earth and everything to do with it).

Chris (playing an AF scientist): [pulls him aside] "Just because they asked you a question, doesn't mean you give them classified information."


While playing Amber (I was a player this time)

Me (as a son of Benedict): "Let me get this right, I'm in New York for a covert meeting with Flora, yet somehow we've managed to bring along 200 ninjas and several thousand demons and pygmy's [who were under the control of another PC I was working with] are currently having a mardi gras carnival outside the cafe where we were to meet?" *cafe explodes in a violent fireball just minutes after meeting was due to start* "Oh well. Probably for the best then."

another instance

Me (still as son of Benedict): *so there's a huge battle in shadow, and I figure this is a great opportunity to make a play for some of the Golden Circle shadows while they are undefended. So there I am with a MASSIVE army of giants, ninjas, giant ninjas, war machines and all sorts of other stuff - heading on into the golden circle when suddenly there is another huge army with Fiona at its head, obviously tasked with defending the borders of Amber*

Fiona: "The battle is the other way nephew..."

Me: "Yes, Aunt Fiona, I just thought that all these men could be put to use in the defense of Amber... Take, them. I'll be going now..."

Captain_Cyran wrote:
"Oh my God, he just accidentally diablerized her!" Yeah, it can happen...

In that vein...

From a Vampire game set in a Guy Ritchie type London:

Me (playing a Ventrue bar owner): *sheriff comes into bar and asks what I've got to drink* "Amaranth, the taste of the last generation." *indicates bottle on the shelf labelled as such*

also from that same game

Me (as same Ventrue) and some other walk into a bar near the docks. The patrons are hairier than I'd prefer: "I smell wet dog."

Bice (as troublemaker Ravnos): "Really I thought I smelt wet pussy?"

Werewolves: *start getting pissed off*.

grr

Lessee... my one and only LARP experience. I went to visit a friend, and she was in a Vamp LARP in Austin. So she gets me in as an NPC character, teamed up with a player returning from a long hiatus who is also given an NPC.

We're private investigators who, in the course of an unrelated investigation, stumble across the vampires of Austin.

Much hilarity ensues, such as our managing to tape an entire meeting of the Prince and his Primogen council... (who have never contemplated the possibility of shotgun mics and laser mics, as well as simple audio bugs.)

We also compile a lovely collection of pictures, and just to establish that we're EVIL private investigators, we ruthlessly torture an innocent ghoul for more information.

The players have been having a hard time catching us, and the ST is having to remind us that we are NPCs, so in order to cut them a break I drop my hat at the scene of an encounter with them.

Now, for this scene bear in mind that my character is a prototype redneck.

So a Toreador goes to do a Spirit's Touch on my hat, but he botches it horribly. He looks at the ST and asks what impressions he got from the hat.

ST looks at me, looks at him, looks at me again.

ST- "Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeer. Football."

Player- "What the fuck?"

ST- "You are sensing the image of a man who spends all his time drinking beer and watching football."

Player, to me- "Fucking christ! Is there nothing else in your fucking life?!?!"

Me- "Beeeeeeer. Football. And every issue of Playboy back to 1967."

The look of sheer exasperation on his face was priceless.

Fallout 2:

"Oh no you don't. I'll scream! GUARDS!!"

(Only dialouge option to select:)

"FUCK! I hate this game!"

Just before starting a game of B5Wars on 2 mega hex maps the player next to me said in an awe struck tone... "Man, space is vast"

Friend, playing the ORIGINAL Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on his NES: "God, the seaweed sucks. I cannot believe how many of my fucking turtles have died to the fucking purple seaweed. What the hell? They easily survive dozens of enemy ninjas, beat the tar out of bosses for fun, and die by crashing into frickin' seaweed! I lose half my turtles every time I have to get in the frickin' water. Fuck the seaweed. Fuck it long and hard. Fuck the designers who invented seaweed. And since when does fucking seaweed kill you?"

Me: "Alright. It's okay. Remember to breathe."

Friend: "I can breathe just fine, but my fucking turtles are fucking dying! Do they really mean so little to you?"

Playing CS:Source. The nick I go by is "Pacifist."

On de_dust, I'm a terrorist and our team is getting owned. I tell everyone to rush the hallway while I cover their backs. I then buy a Scout and cover the tunnel, popping two CTs in the face as they try to stupidly attack. Meanwhile, all five of my teammates get themselves perished without killing a single CT in the halls. Hmm. I go to the little platform next to the boxes at the left of the T area and crouch, zooming on the hall exits. CTs begin to pile out, and I start shooting.

Bang, headshot. Bang, headshot. Bang, headshot. Bang, headshot. I get four clean headshots in a row, at pretty much the maximum firing rate of the bolt-action Scout. I killed the entire CT squad with headshots from the scout.

Pacifist: Now, let that be a lesson to ye. Don't fuck with the Scout.
CT 1: Holy. Fucking. Shit.
CT 2: Dude, you gotta be cheating.
Pacifist: No cheats. I'm just gonna give a shout-out to my man upstairs. Allahu akbar, motherfuckers.

At least it was pretty funny to me at the time. There's also the occasions on which I rocked the server with my wicked pump-shotgun work and was forced to unload the Bruce Campbell quote. "This is my BOOMstick!" When somebody pointed out the incongruity between the nick (Pacifist) and my actions (shotgunning three or four people), I merely said "It is a boomstick of self defense, obviously."

I seem to always meet the hard heads online:

Counterstrike:

Me:Don't open the back door dude, they'll rush out and kill us.
<moron1 rushes to back door>
Me:Don't open the back door!
<moron1 runs up to switch>
Me:DON"T OPEN THE DOOR!!!!!
<moron1 opens door>
<me and moron1 get gunned down and team looses>
Me:I told you not to open the door!
moron1:Oh, i thought you meant the other backdoor (note, in cs assualt2k there is only 1 back door...)

Diablo 2

me:don't go in there, there is a lightning enchanted creature and another unique monster.
moron2:aww you a little pussy??
me:no I'm a little buffer before I rush into a situation which will likeyly kill me.
moron2:Look at the pussy, Tell you what, I'll go in and finish them off for you.
<watches as moron 2 rushes into next level and immediatly dies>
me and rest of group:moron


Just 1 question, why don't people listen to advice???

Favorite quote:

Final Fantasy 6: Aren't you a little short for a soldier?

This is from any number of games of AA:O, Rainbow 6, SWAT 3 etc...

Me: "I'm going to frag this room here." Pulls frag, checks around to make sure the team is stacked and ready* "FRAG OUT!" *tosses frag into room*

Teammate dipshit: *charges into door right on top of the frag*

*BOOOM*

Game: "WeeMadAndo has killed a teammate."
Game: "WeeMadAndo has been ejected from the game."

Me: "God FUCKING DAMNIT! WHY THE FUCK AM I the one getting kicked here? Kick out the dickhead who can't obey an order - no, not even that! WHO CAN'T FUCKING LISTEN to a simple goddamn STATEMENT OF FACT! YEEEEAAAARGH!"

Half-Life:
A black ops dude, *after* he's been reduced to a pile of guts by a well-timed grenade: Medic!!!

A notable one from SW:DF:JK:JA - on the level with the chasms and the stuff (like that narrows it down).

I just grabbed a guy with forcechoke and tossed him off the edge of a ravine. You can hear him screaming as he falls. My character begins scripted line of: "I wonder if I could make that?" *screaming slowly fades* "Guess not."

Fantastic timing for a random occurance that just worked so well.


Another truly FANTASTIC quote:

While playing Clive Barkers Undying with a friend watching over my shoulder, I hear a noise, flick turn and there is a skeletons face taking up nearly the entire screen, it then hits and kills me.

Somewhere about the stage where we turn and see it, we both lift about 1 foot off our chairs (no - really, I shit you not) and unleash with something that is about the most high pitched girly squeal/scream/yelp you've ever heard.

So the quote goes something like this: "AIIIIIEEE!"


And another fun one from a recent LAN:

Playing Dawn of War, I had taken up a position on one side of a map and someone had taken an intersection not far from my base and put up turrets. Their computer then crapped out and booted them from the game. This usually leads to their forces spontaneously disappearing from the game, but for some reason the turrets remained. I decided to decloak a scout squad to see if they were "real".

Me: *as a flurry of missiles decimates my scout squad* "The turrets are real! The turrets are real!" *just as my last scout dies the game says: "Churchill has disconnected" (some 10 minutes after his computer died) and the turrets disappear* "SON OF A BITCH!"