Mercenaries: Playground of destruction; Chardokian review
Posted: 2005-01-24 07:30am
XBOX, PS2 (PC?)
Ha! Well, Chardok has gotten a new game, and, as per tradition, I shall now review in my own inimitatable fashion. Also, He will refer to himself in the third person because it makes him feel important.
I will switch reference points during the course of this review. To keep everyone confused. Just know that "him" and "I" are interchangable.
So. *Picks up game* Chardok is lost in his own thoughts as usual. Lucasarts, eh? Wow. I cant wait to try out this flaming bag of shit game. *Copmelled to the register, game in hand* Why do I continue to buy this shitstorm of a game? It's as if...something is....guiding me...Cant stop.....swiping...debit card....
*Drives home*
This is....cutting into his WoW time. *Turns on xbox* Why...do I....want to play this Lucasarts piece of crap?
*Trust your feelings, Danny.*
WHAT?! Who said that?!
*Let go, Danny.*
Okay. My feelings tell me to ignore this crap game and go play WoW.
*Wrong feelings, Danny.*
No. You said trust my feelings, so I am putting this down and going to play WoW.
*No, wait, I meant to sa-*
Shh!
*But I*
ZIPIT!
*Y-*
ZIPPAAAAAHHHH!
*Fine.*
Just kidding. Okay. I'll give it a shot.
So, from the first two notes of the intro music, I knew this wasnt your typical Lucasarts crapfest. In this game, you play the part of a Mercenary (Umm...Duh?) in a fictitious war zone, where several factions are fighting- Get this- North Korea. HA! Okay, so The North Korean Government has been overthrown, General Song, Nuclear proliferation, Blah blah blah. Russian Mafia moves in, China, The UN (Called the AN or, allied nations here.) and South Korea.
*ahem*
The Russian mafia runs a webstie, accessable from your PDA, where you can order neat things like HUMMVEES, and...umm...ROCKET LAUNCHERS...and.....MACHINE GUNS....stuff like that. And when you order them, they cost money, right? No Problem. Simply complete contracts, collect bounties and you gots CASH! Oh, yeah, did I mention that in this game, there are no less than 52 "Bosses". Called the deck of 52. (Just like in Afghanistan.) Each boss is worth a certain amount of money, you capture him alive, you collect the full bounty. Dead, half the bounty. But...you do not know where the guys are at. In order to find the guys, you gotta complete missions for various factions. Lets say....the Russian Mafia (My personal favorite faction) Now, their missin may be to assassinate a high level chinese official. So you do the mission, kill the official, and they tell you where one of the card guys are at.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
Let's say, hippotheticalliy, the chinese spotted you killing him. You are not the 1337 snipzor you THOUGHT you were. Now the chinese hate your guts. Poor you, dipshit. Now they wont give you contracts and intel on where the card guys are located! DOUBLE YOO TEE EFF?! Well, it just sucks to be you, find em yourself.
Just kidding. there are certain piddly little challenges you can do to raise faction standing enough to get missions from them. Okay. So that's the basic premise of the game. Seems simple, right? It is. Just that simple. But it's easily the most fun game I've played in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time for several reasons.
1. Hijack every vehicle in the game.
a.Helos, tanks, It dont matter, If you can get close enough without getting killed, it's yours. like that tank over there? Pesky NK in it trying to shoot you? Now worries, jump up on the tank, open el-hatch-o, toss in el-grendade-o, watch spray of blood and fire from the hatch, enter tank, drive away. Helo giving you a headache? No problem. Let it swoop low, Grab a skid, toss out the pilot, and Awaaaaaay you go!
2. Blow up everything.
a. I dont know how they did it, but it seems every vehicle, building and box has a crash model. If you can see it, it can be blown up.
3. Variety of weaponry.
a. From SAMS to Type-90's, to AK-47's to PKM's, this game has it all.
b. Oooh! Oooh! Support! Let's say, Hippotheticaly, there is an assload of guys congregating near a place you need to be. And say..these particular guys don't like you so much, and you cant really handle them by yourself. Pull out your PDA, Take that purdy liddle laser pointer, and call for....oh, I dunno...So many to choose from.....Stealth bomber attack, AC-130 run, cluster bomb, or good old fashioned artillery. (Artillery requires that you mark the target with smoke, though, requiring you to get uncomfortably close.
This game is GTA3's Big brother. All grown up, joined the marines, and won the medal of honor for chewing the treads off a T-90 with his teeth to save his platoon. It is that badass. Get it. Now. Stop reading, go
GET
IT.
NOW
Do not listen to GI's lukewarm 7.5 rating for this game. If you liked GTA3, VC, SA, You MUST have this game. Or your testicles will fall off.
Ha! Well, Chardok has gotten a new game, and, as per tradition, I shall now review in my own inimitatable fashion. Also, He will refer to himself in the third person because it makes him feel important.
I will switch reference points during the course of this review. To keep everyone confused. Just know that "him" and "I" are interchangable.
So. *Picks up game* Chardok is lost in his own thoughts as usual. Lucasarts, eh? Wow. I cant wait to try out this flaming bag of shit game. *Copmelled to the register, game in hand* Why do I continue to buy this shitstorm of a game? It's as if...something is....guiding me...Cant stop.....swiping...debit card....
*Drives home*
This is....cutting into his WoW time. *Turns on xbox* Why...do I....want to play this Lucasarts piece of crap?
*Trust your feelings, Danny.*
WHAT?! Who said that?!
*Let go, Danny.*
Okay. My feelings tell me to ignore this crap game and go play WoW.
*Wrong feelings, Danny.*
No. You said trust my feelings, so I am putting this down and going to play WoW.
*No, wait, I meant to sa-*
Shh!
*But I*
ZIPIT!
*Y-*
ZIPPAAAAAHHHH!
*Fine.*
Just kidding. Okay. I'll give it a shot.
So, from the first two notes of the intro music, I knew this wasnt your typical Lucasarts crapfest. In this game, you play the part of a Mercenary (Umm...Duh?) in a fictitious war zone, where several factions are fighting- Get this- North Korea. HA! Okay, so The North Korean Government has been overthrown, General Song, Nuclear proliferation, Blah blah blah. Russian Mafia moves in, China, The UN (Called the AN or, allied nations here.) and South Korea.
*ahem*
The Russian mafia runs a webstie, accessable from your PDA, where you can order neat things like HUMMVEES, and...umm...ROCKET LAUNCHERS...and.....MACHINE GUNS....stuff like that. And when you order them, they cost money, right? No Problem. Simply complete contracts, collect bounties and you gots CASH! Oh, yeah, did I mention that in this game, there are no less than 52 "Bosses". Called the deck of 52. (Just like in Afghanistan.) Each boss is worth a certain amount of money, you capture him alive, you collect the full bounty. Dead, half the bounty. But...you do not know where the guys are at. In order to find the guys, you gotta complete missions for various factions. Lets say....the Russian Mafia (My personal favorite faction) Now, their missin may be to assassinate a high level chinese official. So you do the mission, kill the official, and they tell you where one of the card guys are at.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
Let's say, hippotheticalliy, the chinese spotted you killing him. You are not the 1337 snipzor you THOUGHT you were. Now the chinese hate your guts. Poor you, dipshit. Now they wont give you contracts and intel on where the card guys are located! DOUBLE YOO TEE EFF?! Well, it just sucks to be you, find em yourself.
Just kidding. there are certain piddly little challenges you can do to raise faction standing enough to get missions from them. Okay. So that's the basic premise of the game. Seems simple, right? It is. Just that simple. But it's easily the most fun game I've played in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time for several reasons.
1. Hijack every vehicle in the game.
a.Helos, tanks, It dont matter, If you can get close enough without getting killed, it's yours. like that tank over there? Pesky NK in it trying to shoot you? Now worries, jump up on the tank, open el-hatch-o, toss in el-grendade-o, watch spray of blood and fire from the hatch, enter tank, drive away. Helo giving you a headache? No problem. Let it swoop low, Grab a skid, toss out the pilot, and Awaaaaaay you go!
2. Blow up everything.
a. I dont know how they did it, but it seems every vehicle, building and box has a crash model. If you can see it, it can be blown up.
3. Variety of weaponry.
a. From SAMS to Type-90's, to AK-47's to PKM's, this game has it all.
b. Oooh! Oooh! Support! Let's say, Hippotheticaly, there is an assload of guys congregating near a place you need to be. And say..these particular guys don't like you so much, and you cant really handle them by yourself. Pull out your PDA, Take that purdy liddle laser pointer, and call for....oh, I dunno...So many to choose from.....Stealth bomber attack, AC-130 run, cluster bomb, or good old fashioned artillery. (Artillery requires that you mark the target with smoke, though, requiring you to get uncomfortably close.
This game is GTA3's Big brother. All grown up, joined the marines, and won the medal of honor for chewing the treads off a T-90 with his teeth to save his platoon. It is that badass. Get it. Now. Stop reading, go
GET
IT.
NOW
Do not listen to GI's lukewarm 7.5 rating for this game. If you liked GTA3, VC, SA, You MUST have this game. Or your testicles will fall off.