Don't eat the Cryptosporidium!
Posted: 2005-06-24 08:34pm
I would have written this Chardokian review sooner, but I spent a lot of time trying to think up the perfect title. And it still sucks, I know. Fuck you.
So, you, uh, fancy yourself a ruthless alien warrior? No? Then don't buy this game. As one of our scout ship pierced the atmosphere of the tiny blue planet, streaking toward some strange radioactive signatures below.....
BLAM!
IDIOT HUMANS! They set off nuclear weapons INSIDE THEIR OWN ATMOSPHERE! Have you ever heard of something so ridiculous? So, we've lost contact with our scout ship, and with it's pilot, Cryptospridium-136. That's right, my brother. What were we doing scouting out this backwater planet anyway? I'll tell you what. Thousands of generations of genetic manipulation has left my race without functioning genitalia. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF IT, MONKEY BOY?! Anyway, with our advanced technology, we had no need for the messy process of sexual reproduction. But we were short-sighted. After thousands of generations of cloning, it turns out our DNA has been unravelling at the tips, and our clones are becoming increasingly unstable.
We (By we I mean orthopox, my commander) have discovered that on this pitiful mudball lives a race of slightly evolved monkeys called "Humans". What is the significance of this? Inside their primitive and nearly-worthless brains is a tiny little piece of Furon DNA. This is the key to our survival as a race. My mission? To go down and prep the planet for invasion, collecting as many brain stems as possible for study.
We know the humans have pitiful chemically propelled projectile weapons at their disposal. Scaaaaary. check out what I got!
Zap-o-matic- This handy-dandy little gun features 900,00 volts of electricity at 400 amps. More than enough to wrnech the pathetic monkes from their mortal bindings.
Anal Probe Gun- This little gem prevents me from having to extract their brains with my mental powers. I just charge this baby up for a few seconds and let it fly. the beam worms it's way up their rectums, all the way up to their brains, where it painfully extracts their brain stems! If I dont want to extract their brains, I simply give em a half juiced shot, and watch em run away screaming, clutching their butts.
Disintegrator ray- Even as stupid as you Humans are, you should know what a disintegrator ray does. A couple bolts from this bad boy roasts em to dust. It can also take out vehicles, Tanks, pretty much enything you care to pour energy into.
Ion detonator launcher- Ever get that itch to just blow something up? Enter the detonator launcher, I can detonate these baby's remotely, or let em sit and blow up on their own.
And that's not even saying ANYTHING about my ship! my ship is equipped with some WICKED weaponry for roasting mokneys, or taking out buildings. I got:
Death Ray: standard issue stuff here, Ever see war of the worlds? Orson Wells got the idea for his martian's death ray after being abducted by us Furons and regaining conciousness long enough to overhear a conversation between Orthopox and I about juicing up the one on my scout craft.
Abducto Beam- this is what we use to steal your cows. we can also use it to pick up cars, tanks, pretty much anything not bolted down, and SWING EM AROUND LIKE A GIANT FLAIL!
Sonic boom- This one is fun! Shoots out a ring of sound waves! Oooh, you may say, sounnnnnnnd waves! Well, PISS OFF, PRIMATE!, this ain't no ordinary aound wave! This baby'll take down a skysraper in two shot, and scatter Majestic agents like twigs!
Quantum deconstructor- This is secret technology that I ain't saying NOTHING about, Monkey. Well, okay, I'll say one thing. "Boom".
So now you know the mission, let's talk about the dangers. From what we can tell, it's about 1955, the height of McCarthyism and Anti-commie hatred. You got the cops, you got the military, and a secret organization known only as Majestic. They use stolen and recovered Furon technology in their weapons, but that doesn't stop MENTAL POWERS! I can still pick em up and toss em around with the power of my TELEKENISIS! I can also read their primitive thoughts, explode their heads, or make em dance around like the ridiculous monkeys they are!
That's all I'm saying about this game. Oh, and the fact that it rocks. the dialog is clever, witty, and entertaining, and the gameplay is smooth (On the XBOX, anyway) draw distance is phenomenal. the soundtrack is straight out of a B movie, which adds to the ambience. Even my Girlfriend enjoys watching me play this game. It gives you alot of choices on how to copmlete the missions, too. Now, that's not to say that youhave the freedom of, say, GTA, it's still not so linear that it's no fun. sometimes, I pop in DAH just to jump in my saucer and level a city. (My fave is capitol city, where I get to burninate the White House) In short, get this game. it has tons of extras, too. But I ain't sayin shit about them either except: They're cool.
And NO! It's not, and will not be released for PC! so STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, ASSES!
So, you, uh, fancy yourself a ruthless alien warrior? No? Then don't buy this game. As one of our scout ship pierced the atmosphere of the tiny blue planet, streaking toward some strange radioactive signatures below.....
BLAM!
IDIOT HUMANS! They set off nuclear weapons INSIDE THEIR OWN ATMOSPHERE! Have you ever heard of something so ridiculous? So, we've lost contact with our scout ship, and with it's pilot, Cryptospridium-136. That's right, my brother. What were we doing scouting out this backwater planet anyway? I'll tell you what. Thousands of generations of genetic manipulation has left my race without functioning genitalia. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF IT, MONKEY BOY?! Anyway, with our advanced technology, we had no need for the messy process of sexual reproduction. But we were short-sighted. After thousands of generations of cloning, it turns out our DNA has been unravelling at the tips, and our clones are becoming increasingly unstable.
We (By we I mean orthopox, my commander) have discovered that on this pitiful mudball lives a race of slightly evolved monkeys called "Humans". What is the significance of this? Inside their primitive and nearly-worthless brains is a tiny little piece of Furon DNA. This is the key to our survival as a race. My mission? To go down and prep the planet for invasion, collecting as many brain stems as possible for study.
We know the humans have pitiful chemically propelled projectile weapons at their disposal. Scaaaaary. check out what I got!
Zap-o-matic- This handy-dandy little gun features 900,00 volts of electricity at 400 amps. More than enough to wrnech the pathetic monkes from their mortal bindings.
Anal Probe Gun- This little gem prevents me from having to extract their brains with my mental powers. I just charge this baby up for a few seconds and let it fly. the beam worms it's way up their rectums, all the way up to their brains, where it painfully extracts their brain stems! If I dont want to extract their brains, I simply give em a half juiced shot, and watch em run away screaming, clutching their butts.
Disintegrator ray- Even as stupid as you Humans are, you should know what a disintegrator ray does. A couple bolts from this bad boy roasts em to dust. It can also take out vehicles, Tanks, pretty much enything you care to pour energy into.
Ion detonator launcher- Ever get that itch to just blow something up? Enter the detonator launcher, I can detonate these baby's remotely, or let em sit and blow up on their own.
And that's not even saying ANYTHING about my ship! my ship is equipped with some WICKED weaponry for roasting mokneys, or taking out buildings. I got:
Death Ray: standard issue stuff here, Ever see war of the worlds? Orson Wells got the idea for his martian's death ray after being abducted by us Furons and regaining conciousness long enough to overhear a conversation between Orthopox and I about juicing up the one on my scout craft.
Abducto Beam- this is what we use to steal your cows. we can also use it to pick up cars, tanks, pretty much anything not bolted down, and SWING EM AROUND LIKE A GIANT FLAIL!
Sonic boom- This one is fun! Shoots out a ring of sound waves! Oooh, you may say, sounnnnnnnd waves! Well, PISS OFF, PRIMATE!, this ain't no ordinary aound wave! This baby'll take down a skysraper in two shot, and scatter Majestic agents like twigs!
Quantum deconstructor- This is secret technology that I ain't saying NOTHING about, Monkey. Well, okay, I'll say one thing. "Boom".
So now you know the mission, let's talk about the dangers. From what we can tell, it's about 1955, the height of McCarthyism and Anti-commie hatred. You got the cops, you got the military, and a secret organization known only as Majestic. They use stolen and recovered Furon technology in their weapons, but that doesn't stop MENTAL POWERS! I can still pick em up and toss em around with the power of my TELEKENISIS! I can also read their primitive thoughts, explode their heads, or make em dance around like the ridiculous monkeys they are!
That's all I'm saying about this game. Oh, and the fact that it rocks. the dialog is clever, witty, and entertaining, and the gameplay is smooth (On the XBOX, anyway) draw distance is phenomenal. the soundtrack is straight out of a B movie, which adds to the ambience. Even my Girlfriend enjoys watching me play this game. It gives you alot of choices on how to copmlete the missions, too. Now, that's not to say that youhave the freedom of, say, GTA, it's still not so linear that it's no fun. sometimes, I pop in DAH just to jump in my saucer and level a city. (My fave is capitol city, where I get to burninate the White House) In short, get this game. it has tons of extras, too. But I ain't sayin shit about them either except: They're cool.
And NO! It's not, and will not be released for PC! so STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, ASSES!
