If "The Simpsons" was set in the Star Wars univers

[Peregrin Toker]

I've been working on this for MONTHS...

Ballet Teacher:
- But so many of your heroes wear robes. The Jedi, for example. And the Jawas.

Barlow, Birchibald T.:
- My friends, isn't this just typical? Another intelligent conservative here, railroaded by our Jedi-istic justice system, just like Grand Admiral Thrawn, Ysanne Isard, and Count Dooku!

Mr. Blackheart:
- Well, little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: Hunting Aiwhas on Kamino, clubbing Ewoks on Endor, I also used to be a Sith Lord, and, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little bantha horn.
- Banthas don't have keys.

Bouvier, Patty:
- If you like being pawed by something fat and lazy, we could hire a Wookiee!

Bouvier, Selma:
- I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Palpatine Tarkin Calrissian Solo Antilles.
- And this is Patty trying to plug her leg razor into one of those ungodly Tatooinian outlets.

Brockman, Kent:
- The three-ton bantha which escaped from the zoo has been caught and is now in safety. The five-ton Bantha nicknamed "Beru", however, is still on the loose.
- The circumference of the well is 34 inches, so, unfortunately, not one Stormtrooper is slender enough to rescue the boy. And since Count Dooku has been messing with the star-maps, we can't get the Kaminoans to help us.
- And as my final newscast draws to a close, I'm reminded of a few of the events that brought me closer to you: the collapse of the Galactic Empire, premium blue yoghurt price wars, Banthas that were mistakenly issued major credit cards, and others who weren't so lucky. And so, farewell.
- This just in: Tarkin's henchmen staged a press conference today to defend himself against charges that his tactics are idiotic, his personal space fortress is more like a death trap than a death star, and that he's marketing videos of his night with Admiral Daala.
- And if you think naming a destructive storm after a woman is sexist, you obviously have never met Mara Jade during her Sith Years.
- Tonight, on Eyewitness News: a man who's been frozen in carbonite for 3 years wakes up.
- And that's how a heroic Bantha became a deputy.
- D'oh, that's a bunch of banthapudu Lisa, everyone knows that the Order of the Sith are extinct!

Brodka, Don:
- If you ever show yourself in this store, you'll be spending Life Day in the Geonosis Arena.

Burns, Charles Montgomery:
- Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he must be some sort of Rebel Alliance sympathizer.
- Oooh, the Ewoks are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Ewoks! Uh oh, the Ewoks are going to get me!
- Listen, Spielbergo, Palpatine and I are like peas in a pod: We're both shrivelled old men, we're both megalomaniacs, we are both affliated with the Sith, we both have insidious plans but mine actually work! Now go out there and win me that festival!
- Hi-ho, faceless Stormtroopers.
- Smithers, unleash the Rancor!!
- Smithers, release the robotic Jar-Jar Binks.
- Excellent! Excellent! Perhaps this Galactic Republic is as dead as the dodo.
- Behold! The greatest breakthrough in labour relations since the Protocol Droid!
- Dammit, Smithers, this isn't rocket science, it's building a clone army!
- I was wrong to play God. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with. Now, order those clonetroopers to go to the gas chambers.
- He's either a 50-foot Rancor, or a tourist trap concocted by the natives of Dathomir. Either way, we're sending down a shuttle.
- Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Alderaan into a mere Endor. Bravo!
- I'm going to find true love on Life Day!!
- I've never dated anyone who didn't master the Dark Side of the Force!
- Smithers, why haven't I heard of these Yuuzhan Vong? They are as wicked as I, but they seem to enjoy tax exempt status!
- Just let me run the Sith Order like a business!
- This needs a celebration. Let's blow up Alderaan.
- I want to see more Wedge Antilles and less Bail Antilles!
- Smithers, what is the name of that Hutt??
- Smithers, you have the brainpan of a nerf herder!!
- Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Alderaanian consulate on Coruscant by Holo-Net hypermail. Am I too late for the 4:30 Astro-Courier by Corellia and the Core Worlds?
- The Emperor's either doped-up or dying!
- Perhaps I've finally found a lightsabre duellist worthy of a match with Darth Burns, eh?
- (points at an Executor-class Commandship) You call this a Star Destroyer?
- You're what? Selling Deathsticks? Worried about the Aiwhas? Strong in The Force? Out with it!
- A lifetime of being a Sith Lord has given my fingertips a healthy blue glow.


Burns, Larry:
- Hey, Skipper, good to meet ya. Hoo, where'd you start out, on the Acclamator? Hey, I should talk. I hope I look that good when I'm Emperor of the Galaxy.

Bush, George:
- We need a nation closer to the Skywalkers than to the Simpsons.

Carlson, Carl:
- Kuat Drive Yards own the Isotopes??
- I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm good at podracing because I'm black!!
- Ecch! That Palpatine's a right-wing crackpot. He said Bail Organa lacked integrity! Can you believe that?

Chalmers, Superintendant:
- [Darth Vader] Apology accepted, Principal Skinner. [/Darth Vader]
- These drab student coverings have created the perfect distraction-free environment, thus preparing the children for permanent positions in the Stormtrooper Corps.
- You know, I used to think an Airspeeder was just a way of getting from point A to point B -- and on weekends, point C. But that was the old me. That man died the moment I laid eyes on a Desler Gizh Outworld Koro-2.
- Why is it when I heard the word "planet" and the word "exploded" I immediately though of the word "Tarkin"?!
- The Force has no place within these walls, just like benevolence have no place among its users. Simpson, you get your wish: The Jedi Order is history!

Cletus:
- - Hey! Kids! We're eatin' dinner tonight! Mara, Leia, Padmé, Qui-Gon, Han, Lando, Anakin, Ysanne, Biggs, Owen, Jango, Wilhuff, Guri, Leonia, Gaeriel, Jacen, Jek, Colton, Jaina, Wynssa, Nomi, Bail, Mon, Joruus, Beru, Mace, Obi-Wan!

Colossus, Dr.:
- Bah! Those Yuuzhan Vong are mere amateurs compared to Darth Colossus himself!
- Activate the Colosso-Wing Fighter's Colosso-Hyperdrive!

Comic Book Store Guy:
- (on the Yuuzhan Vong) Worst... Alien invasion.... Ever...
- Inspired by the most isolationist race in the galaxy, the Kaminoans, breeding will be permitted only if biotechnology - cloning or not - is included in the process.
- This is a very rare issue of "Imperial Navy Magazine" which features an in-depth interview with Grand Admiral Thrawn!
- She even bought the first issue of "Padmé Amidala Man!!"
- What's this?? Kuat Drive Yards?? I wonder if they can bring me faster starships??
- Though we DO have an abundance of "Lando Calrissian's Sabacc Challenge" lying around.
- This is a bootleg copy of "R2D2 & C3PO Meet Fritz the Cat".
- Is there a word in Huttish for loneliness?
- Be careful, please. After all, this very lipstick once belonged to Senator Padmé Amidala.
- Now go away, we are racing for the title of Champion of the New Republic.
- But Admiral Ackbar, you cannot marry a woman without gills, you're from two different worlds.
- Fleet Admiral Daala, regarding that so called "stealth" system fitted to your SSD, the Knight Hammer, I printed out a list of technical errors which I think you'd enjoy discussing.

Disco Stu:
- The Sith will boogie again!

Doris, Lunchlady:
- Say hello to our little genius, Anakin Skywalker, who looks even smarter in this robe-and-tunic combination from Mr. Jedi.
- The Clonetroopers even begun blinking in unison.
- There's very little meat in these Tauntauns.

Evelyn:
- Daala, you look wonderful. And to think I heard you slept with Grand Moff Tarkin.
- Ysanne, Qwi, Zam, Mara, Gaeriel, Leonia, meet Marge.

Flanders, Maude:
- With the Force?? Yes, I were at the Jedi Temple.
- Wait. That's the kinds of things you should start learning at the start of Jedi training.

Flanders, Ned:
- Mommy...had to go away. She's one with The Force now.
- Which version of the Journal of the Whills for tonight's quiz? The Stormtrooper Field Chaplain Whill Journal, The Emperor Palpatine Whill Journal, (Author's note: This is a jab at the King James Bible, if you don't get the joke) Padawan Learner's Journal of the Whills, Reform Jedi Journal, New Republic Journal of the Whills, Star Wars Spiritual Commentaries by Curtis Saxon, Yuuzhan Vong Organic Journal, Grand Admiral's Thrawn Art-of-War Journal, Sinister Sith Version Of The Journal Of The Whills, The Superlaser-Resistant Whill Journal, Coruscant Imperial Religious University Translation, Skywalker's Journal of the Whills, The Journal Of The Whills Emasculated To Conform To Naboonese Society, The Sith-O-Nomicon, or the dreaded tome known as "The Bible According To Mike Wong??"
(Authors Note: I am assuming that the Journal of the Whills is the SW universe's equivalent of The Bible)
- Jeeze, don't you kids know anything? Those fuzzy dice Han Solo bought for the Millennium Falcon?? The Endor Ewok Holocaust??? Ysanne Isard's implants?? (author's note: Don't ask what kind of implants.)
- Well, I think I can turn Storytelling Land into a Jedi theme park.
- Uh, where you on the command tower of my ISD last night stealing my sensor globes??
- Let's see...Replace teachers with super-intelligent Droids. Or, if droids aren't invented yet, use the bystanders at Jabba's Palace.
- Do you regret the Dark Lords of the Sith and all their empty promises?
- Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents, but now I know you kids need a less... erm.... Dark Side Of The Force-bound family!
- Of course Yoda's alive!! Alive in the flowing continuum of The Force!!
- I'm as permissive as the next parent, I mean, just yesterday I let Todd buy some red-hots with a cartoon Darth Maul on the box, but you can't possibly think it's appropriate for your ten-year-old son to work in a nightclub on Coruscant!
- No, Jar Jar Binks wasn't a great Gungan, nor even an adequate Gungan. And he certainly never accomplished anything.
- You're a Jed-diddly-edi!!
- It's the four banthas of the apocalypse!
- Team sport can keep you away from temptations such as the Max Rebo band, and the Sith.

Flanders, Rod:
- What was that red stuff coming out of the tauntaun??

Flanders, Todd:
- Can I poke Rod with a lightsabre like that Sith Lord did??
- We don't use the T-word in our house! (Tatooine, that is!)

Frampton, Peter:
- I bought that pig-shaped starship at Walex Blissex' yard sale!!
- Figrin D'An steals my orchestra and now The Max Rebo Band is in my freezer!!

Frink, Professor John:
- Well, first of all, we're going to ban such barbaric sports as Podracing and Acklay-Stabbing. Also duelling, both, uh, gun duels and the kind with the lightsabres, there. And bounty hunting, Meditation Sith Style, and anything in general where you have to take off your shirt, which is embarrassing.
- Well, sure, the Frink-class Star Destroyer looks impressive! Don't touch it! But I predict that within 100 years, interstellar warships will be a million times as as powerful, 10 times longer, and so expensive that only the two richest Sith Lords in the galaxy will own them.
- Well it's just a prototype, with proper funding I'm confident this little baby could destroy Alderaan!
- Elementary chaos theory tells us that all Battledroids will eventually turn against the Seperatist Movement and run amok in an orgy of blood and the kicking, the hurting and shoving.
- Oh, sorry I'm late. There was trouble at the Maw facility with the running and the exploding and the crying when the Ewoks stole the glasses off my head.

Grant, Ashley:
- There you see, Lisa. Males are easy to tame. They'll all follow the Pod-Racing.
- There he is! The Sith Lord who used his Force powers to sexually harass me!
- No, Mr. Simpson. A droid is a living creature.

Grass, Jesse:
- Yeah, but I started using The Force before it was cool.
- They can't blow up Alderaan if one of us is living on it. Any volunteers? Whoa, hold on! Once you're up there, you can't come down. Not for even a Figrin D'An concert.
- I even got'em to make a solar-powered Death Star.

Hapablap, Colonel Leslie:
- This is Colonel Leslie "Hap" Hapablap. If you don't open that door I'll tear you up like a Wookie who lost a game of chess!
- Sweet SSD Executor, Son!
- Not the Eclipse! Damn, the people at Kuat Drive Yards are going to have my butt on a silver plate.
- We'll find that headcase faster than Vader finds the Echo Base.

Hibbert, Dr. Julius:
- Well, uh, ahem, without further ado, heh heh, I give you the man who send Jedi into containment forcefields, where they belong: Count Dooku!
- I've never heard of a baby swallowing a hyperdrive generator before.
- This Jedi Padawan sliced off his leg trying to use his master's lightsabre. This boy's brother hit him in the head with a Gaffi Stick, mimicking a recent Tusken Raider duelling match. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Geonosian Gladiator ward.
- Well, sir, you more than meet every one of the New Republics requirements to box, wrestle or fly a Pod Racer.
- You use your lightsabre as a can opener?

Hurlbut, Curator Hollis:
- You know, some historians consider Orrikmarko a minor patriot, but I think you'll find he's easily the equal of Luke Skywalker or even Han Solo.
- Unfortunately, historical research is plagued by this sort of hoax -- the so-called confession. It's just as fake as the Nute Gunray Will, the Palpatine Diaries, or for that matter, anything ever said about Admiral Daala's sex life.
- This case holds our most treasured exhibit: objects owned and used by Luke Skywalker. This is the keys to his landspeeder, in which he rode the wastes of Jundland. And his lightsabre, with which he hacked at the chains of oppresions. And his... chamber pot.

Hutz, Lionel:
- Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz. Could you imagine the Galactic Empire without Darth Vader??
- Forget about that house, that's the ex-Temple of the Sith.

Itchy & Scratchy:
- (Itchy decapitates Scratchy with a lightsabre)
- (Itchy, bald and covered in full Yuuzhan Vong tattoos, tortures Scratchy with a weird bio-weapon)
- (Death Star fires on planet with thousands of Scratchy clones on it)
- (Scratchy gets shot to pieces by a droideka)
- (Itchy piloting a AT-ST stomps Scratchy down)
- (Itchy throws Scratchy down Death Star reactor core)
- (Three letters: BDZ)
- (Scratchy gets trampled down by marching Storm Troopers)
- (Chewbacca rips off Scratchy's arm)
- (Itchy pushes Scratchy off one of Kamino's various oilrig-like cities)
- (Itchy throws Scratchy down a Sarlacc pit)
- (Scratchy gets tied to a pole in the Geonosis Arena and eaten by an Acklay)

Jasper:
- Sounds like the Rebel Alliance is at it again.
- Oooh! Naboonese pie!

Jones, Jimbo:
- I've heard that Jabba the Hutt's tail has its own representant in the Senate.

Jordan, Rachel:
- My band shifted from Jedi music to pop. You just change "The Force" to "love." Disgusting.

Kearney:
- Hey!! Don't wreck my Podracer!!

Krabappel, Edna:
- Well, class, the history of the New Republic has been changed again, to correspond with Bart's answers on yesterday's test. The New Republic was now founded four years ago by... Jabba the Hutt. And Kamino isn't called Kamino any more. It's Clonerland.
- Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of this galaxy can now vote in free democratic elections.
- That's it!! BEEEE-DEE-ZED!!
- We'll show him, especially for that "purple wookiee dishwasher" remark.
- Bart, are those... death sticks?
- If anyone wants to learn more about turbolasers, they're welcome to stay...
- "Sith??" I've never heard that word before I moved to Coruscant.
- We're also absolved if Boba Fett gets eaten by the school Sarlacc.

Krustofskij, Herschel: (Krusty The Klown)
- This planet-destroyer stuff is just a fad.
- Nothing like a meal at Dexster's Diner.
- Today's youth think that comedy is blowing up planets.
- It didn't get funny until we fired Anakin Skywalker.
- That lousy ventilation shaft set back the Death Star program back even more!!
- Hey, hey, settle down boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend, Darth Punishment, again.
- And this year's "Living Saint" award goes to.... Emperor Palpatine!!
- Lightsabres aren't toys. They're for protecting the Republic, deflecting blaster beams, and keeping the Sith out of your face.
- Don't put on some Sith Lord just because he's Darth-of-the-month!!
- And here's what you've been waiting for: Another long raga with Obi-Wan Kenobi!!
- OK, memorize these funny place names: Naboo. Dagobah. Hoth. Tatooine.
- Oh, not my Dagobah backdrop! How am I going to make fun of Yoda!?
- Hey! It's the respected Imperial citizen, General Veers!!
- Now that the Empire has taken over, the show has to be more cost-effective!
- My grandfather Zev would roll in his grave, if it wasn't clogged up with those old Moffs.
- Everywhere, I see teachers in XP-34 airspeeders, Jedi Knights sipping champagne, I tried to drink a Coke on the Coruscant sky bus, and suddenly Stormtroopers were everywhere!
- I gave Boba Fett a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but instead he blew it up!
- Hey-ho, kids! It's BDZ time!
- I'm going to tell you the story of Krusty's expensive new suit: his sexual harassment suit. Oh boy. Anyway, as part of Krusty's plea bargain, he now has Ysanne Isard watching him 24 hours per day...
- Our last bachelor likes Twi'lek women who take their clothes off... for free! Let's here it for Jabba the Hutt!

Krustofskij, Hymann: (Krusty's father)
- Oh, yes it is right to buy an XP-34! For great is the landspeeder with power steering!
- A Jedi would never abuse The Force! A Jedi Knight composes. He creates thoughts. He may tell stories that never happened. But he does not abuse The Force!
- You have brought shame on our family! Oh, if you were a pirate or a bounty hunter, this I could forgive.

Lampwick, Chester:
- In fact, I invented the whole concept of The Force. Before I came along, all Jedi Knights did was play the ukulele. I changed all that.

Lavelle, Stacy:
- Not since I was forced out during the Clone Wars. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective and... I was funneling profits to the Seperatists.
- I may have had things in common with Stacy at the beginning, but thirty years of living her lifestyle taught me some very harsh lessons. Five husbands: Bevel Lemelisk, Wilhuff Tarkin, Wedge Antilles, Lando Calrissian, Nom Anor, Darth Colossus...

Lenny:
- Those lousy Imperials can't fire me. I'm the only one knows how to fix a broken hyperdrive!
- Uh yeah, I'm a techno-thriller junkie, and I'd like to know, is an X-Wing more detectible when there's disturbances in The Force?
- And you can't join the Sith because it's too exclusive!
- A Jedi Temple without beer?? How pathetic!
- Lightsabres have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason: to take out today's modern super animals, such as the Rancor and the Wampa.
- Come on, put that away: those Geonosian sonic guns give you cancer.

Lou the Cop:
- Um...Chief, that wasn't a squad of Yuuzhan Vong. That was a black metal band. (Author's note: Some black metal bands do indeed look like Yuuzhan Vong)

Lovejoy, Helen:
- Wouldn't PLEASE anyone think of Han and Leia's children??
- It graphically portrays a side of the Force, which, practical as it may be, is evil.
- Well, I don't know about food from Tatooine. Isn't that whole area a little iffy?

Lovejoy, Reverend Timothy:
- We also have Sith ice cream!!
- They call her the "Sith-Turned-Jedi Madonna..." - Mara Jade Skywalker!!
- No, but He working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Jedi, Sith, or... Droids?
- I know that one of you is responsible for me, so repeat after me: "If I withhold the truth, may my soul fall straight into the devouring maw of the Dark Side, where I will eat not but burning hot bantha excrement, and I will drink not but burning hot Coruscantian booze, where the malign and wicked souls of ancient Sith Lords will stab me in back, where my soul will be chopped into confetti with double-ended lightsabres before a parade of Nerfherders and single mothers, where my rectum will be probed by disfigured Kaminoan midgets..." (editors note: You have a better SW-ish description of SGAs??)
- And now let us rise and thank Kuat Drive Yards for their wonderfully menacing Executor-class Flagship.
- The next on our agenda is Lisa Simpson's Sith Daughter.
- And with flaming lightsabres whose blades shone fiery crimson, the Sith did pierce the eyes of the Jedi and did feast on what flowed forth. Among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh...
- Today's Jedi doesn't think he needs The Force. He's got his Delta-7 Starfighter, his lightsabre, and his instant pizza pie...
- Anyway, bloody gums Murphy was quite the Fizz-O-Phone player...
- Ned, have you thought about becoming a Sith Acolyte?? It's pretty much the same.
- I want you to clean these organpipes which you have befouled with the Dark Side Of The Force!!
- Thanks a lot, Marge, that was Mos Eisley's only Cantina.
- Well, The Force is The Force. Plus I consulted a Massassi Sith holonet site.

Mann, Otto:
- Wow, another Jedi Mind Trick!! Good that I'm not flying a Landspeeder right now!!
- So, who's gonna hold the secret of the Sith??
- I dunno. I just got an urge to join the Stormtrooper Corps. Sproc repoortmorts eht nioj!

McAllister, Captain:
- 'Tis no Hutt, 'tis a remorseless eatin' machine.
- Arr, ye call that a turbolaser?
- Arr, that's Handsome Bossk, he kills for nickels. Arr, not a quarter!! Now he'll go on a killing spree.
- Arr, have ye tried a Dianoga Scrap Squid? They can suck the bolts out of a X-Wing Fighter's hull.
- Yarr, it's kind of you to deliver these nude photos of Mara Jade. They'll keep this Star Destroyer's crew from resorting to homosexuality... fer about 10 minutes.
- Arrr. I hate the galaxy and everything in it.

McClure, Troy:
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such movies as "The Erotic Adventures of Boba Fett", "P is for Palpatine", "Star Destroyer Potemkin", "Obi-Wan Kenobi Back From The Dead", "Who's Afraid Of The Big Bad Sith?", "The Greatest Story Ever BDZ'ed", "Make-Out King of Mon Calamari", "Three Men And A Death Star", "Sleepless on Coruscant", "The Ewoks Go Medieval", "Hey Dude Where's My Clone Army?", "My Big Fat Corellian Wedding", "They Saved Palpatine's Brain!" and the kitsch classic "Good-Time Luke, Uncle Owen and the Great Tatooine Freak-Out."
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. Some of you probably remember me for such infomercials such as "Yes To The Clonetrooper Project - Galactic Conquest Thanks To Science!."
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such educational films such as "Mommy, What's Wrong With Ysanne Isard's Eyes?", "Darth Vader And You: Partners In Freedom" and "Here Comes The Tarkin Doctrine."
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from do-it-yourself videos such as "How To Mothball Your Star Destroyer", "Taun We's Guide To Home-Grown Clone Armies" and "The Dark Side of the Force - For Dummies."
- The Rebel Alliance isn't dumb, just ignorant!
- So, working in the Imperial Navy must be interesting.

McCoy, Buck:
- I'll show you a trick that works on dogs. And it also works on ol' Grand Moff Tarkin.
- Can you catch a Bantha with a teaspoon??
- Did I forget to mention that I'm a Sith Lord???

Moleman, Hans:
- I was saying "Doo-ku"...
- You're surely doing your job well, Mr. Tarkin.
- Death Sticks ruined my life!
- Didn't Star Wars use to have wars in it?
- Oh no. The Force.
- No, I am not Yoda.

Movementarian Jedi:
- A new and better life awaits you in the Jedi Temple on the distant planet of Coruscant.
- It certainly is a beautiful day. We should thank the balance in the Force.
- The Jedi Council know how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.
- When you join the Jedi Order you are guaranteed a life of perfection and unity with the Force, and perfect unity with the Force!
- Nananananananana The Force! Nananananananana The Force!
- The Force is good, the Force is great, we use the Force as of this date!

Movementarian Sith:
- When you surrender yourself to the Dark Side, you are guaranteed a perfect life of power and dominance, and dominant power!
- Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon. The Death Star!!
- Would you rather have beer, or complete and utter mastery over the Dark Side of the Force??

Movementarian Storm Troopers:
- When you enlist yourself in the Imperial Stormtrooper Corps, you are guaranteed a perfect life of glory and victory, and glorious victory!
- [zombie-like] No we don't, mother. We love the Emperor! [/zombie-like]
- It certainly is a beautiful day. We should thank the Emperor!
- A new and better life awaits you on the Stormtrooper Training World of Carida.
- The Empire is good, the Empire is great, (aims rifles) [sinister] surrender to the Empire as of this date! [/sinister]

Muntz, Nielson:
- Hey, Bart, your Force Aura is showing!
- With no Galactic Empire around, I run this planet!
- When it comes to catching trout, nothing beats Imperial Stormtroopers.
- Shoplifting is a victimless crime.... like using the Dark Side of the Force!
- Hey, Corellian boy! Go back to Corellia!
- This would never have happened if we went to Mos Eisley.
- Whoa, a Qui-Gon Jinn rookie card!
- But I feel like such a Jedi!
- (looks at Alderaan being blown up and yells "HA-HA!!)

Murdoch, Lance:
- Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children. I'm glad you're all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death. Tonight, my most dangerous stunt. I will death-defy both nature, gravity and The Force by leaping over this tank of water, filled with Opee Sea Killers, Dianoga Trash Compactor Squids, Colo Claw Fish, Dagobah Dragonback snakes, and perhaps most frightening of all, a Kamino Sea-Dragon genetically tailored specially for this event by the best biotechnicians in the galaxy! Heh heh heh. I almost forgot. To add a real element of danger, one drop of human blood. Now, in case I don't survive, let me just say, seat belts save lives, so buckle up!

Myers, Roger Jr.:
- Okay, maybe my dad did steal the Death Star blueprints, but so what? Starship design is built on plagiarising! If it weren't for someone plagiarizing the Acclamator-class troop transport, we wouldn't have the Victory-class Star Destroyer!

Nahassapeemapetilon, Apu:
- He slept, he stole, he was rude to the Padawans. Still, there goes the best damned Jedi Master the Council ever had.
- Oh, Squishy-Twi'lek-Lady, you've had less than eight children.
- Of course I am a Jedi. Haven't you ever seen my robes?
- Yes, I'm sorry, I do not speak Huttese, okay.
- Palpatine would be proud of you!!

Powell, Herbert:
- The fleet doesn't want warships named after hungry greek broads!! They want warships with majestic, awe-inspiring names such as Imperator, Dominator and Sovereign!!

Prince, Martin:
- Team Jedi Temple!!
- Hark to the tale of Qui-Gon, and the boy he loved so dear. They remained the best of friends 'till the battle of Naboo.
- So the next time a Star Destroyer cleaves the night sky, remember to thank Mrs. Lira Blissex.
- I spent our last 10 dollars on this "Talking Admiral Piett Doll."

Puberty Boy:
- What are you going to do? Build your own Death Star and blow all your little friends to kingdom come? I'd like to see that. Ah ha ha ha...

Quimby, Mayor Diamond Joe:
- Everyone in favour of demolishing the Outlander Club, raise your hands!!
- And so I hereby declare that Route 401, currently known as the Emperor Palpatine Expressway, will hence forth be known as the Luke Skywalker Expressway.
- Nothing, nothing, only the Empire has just passed another tax on Admiral Tavira's puffy pants.

Scorpio, Hank:
- At Kuat Drive Yards, we don't believe in walls.
- By the way, which is your least favourite planet? Dantooine or Alderaan??

Sideshow Bob: (or Sith-Show Bob)
- Lightsabers. My old arch-enemy.
- You are in the Sith's power.... in the power of the Sith...
- Kill the Jedi! Just like we'll do tomorrow!
- But tonight, tonight I will taste the sweet nectar of the Dark Side!!
- Bart... Bart... Bart, it's time... it's time to blow up Alderaan!!
- Well, Krusty, this will be your Endor... and you will be Emperor Thrown-Down-Reactor.
- Oh no, my thermal detonator!
- Hello, Palp. Long-time listener, first-time caller. Kudos for bringing the public back to the Sitharian Part. It's high time people realized we conservatives aren't all Darth Jedikillers, Ethel Blow-Up-Planets, or even -- the Force forbid -- Wilhuff Tarkins.
- That was a big mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Dark Lords of the Sith and lived to tell about it.
- Because you need Palpatine, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Valorum, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Sith Lord to lower taxes, brutalize the Jedi, and rule you like an emperor.
- I have corrupted more young minds than the Sith and the Holo-Net combined!
- Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without learning a few things about turbolasers.

Sideshow Mel:
- Just some Moffs.
- I'll see to it that Mr. Burns suffers the infernal machinations of Coruscant's grim tyrant, Emperor Palpatine the First!

Simpson, Abraham:
- I'm an old man. I hate everyone except for Tarkin.
- TAAAAAAAAAARKIN!
- I say we call Tarkin. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Bail Organa or some other traitor.
- I leave this: an Old Republic-era lightsabre. You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in airspeeders, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen Rath Sienar flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub and - where are you going?
- Holy smokes, that's it! From now on I'm thinkin', actin', and lookin' young, and I'm gonna start with a tin of cola from Dex' Diner. AARGH!! My tongue! It BUUURNS!
- You accuse me of everything around here? "Who put a Stormtrooper Helmet in the dishwasher? Who threw a lightsaber at the TV? Who fell into the Coruscant hutch?"
- How can you have a house without an E-11 Blaster? What if a Wampa came through that door?
- Oh, sure. Let's see... I'm a Sith Acolyte, a Jedi Knight, a Red Knight of Life, a communist. I'm also the president of the Rebel Alliance for some reason...ah, here it is. The Stonecutters.
- The story of the Simpson family began in the Outer Rim. I forget where exactly. My dad would drone on and on about Corellia. He thought it was the greatest thing since hyperdrive, hyperdrive having been invented the previous winter.
- The Sith Order is evil, I tell you! EVIL! EEVIL!
- Not many people know I owned the first holo-net receiver in Springfield. Weren't much on the air then, just some guy reciting the Galactic Basic alphabet over and over.
- I'll be deep in the cold ground when I'll recognize the sovereignity of the Yuuzhan Pong! (author's note: yes, the Yuuzhan PONG)
- What's unappealing about hearing a Jedi talk about sex? Obi-Wan had SEEEEEEEX!!!
- According to legend, my own grandfather invented this aphrodisiac when he was trying to make a cheap subsitute for Bacta.
- This is the Galactic Republic. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like Palpatine from coming to power.
- Now, Grand Admiral Thrawn -- there's a haircut you could set your watch to.
- It was either that, or tell him his mother was a wanted traitor to the Emperor and Rebel Alliance leader!
- All right, I admit it: I am the Fett baby. Waah! Waah! Goo goo. I miss my bounty-hunter daddy.
- That's the Millennium Falcon. To Geonosis, Wedge Antilles flew it fifteen parsecs with a cargo full of Kessel Spice. Singlehandedly won us the Galactic Wars, it did.
- Eh...you never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a Corellian Gunship, but last year I proved myself wrong.

Simpson, Bart:
- The Imperial Army's on strike, maybe forever! Oh, overload, pleasure overload...
- Alderaan?? That's one planet I'll never blow up!!
- Han and Leia sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
- One-hour planet-destroyer?? Interesting!!
- This evening I shall go for the... Sarlacc platter... with extra tentacles.
- I got a D-! I passed I passed! I... ... ... kissed the Jedi Master!
- Don't have a Bantha, man!!
- Jedi, Sith, Jedi, Sith. So they use the Force in another way. Does this really change our day to day lives?
- Everything tastes better when Force-pulled!
- Tomorrow, when you come back, you better have Jedi robes. And they better be adorable.
- Looks, there's the Jedi Temple. The heart and soul of Coruscant.
- Let's watch Kashyyyk's nr.1 kid's show: Telewookies!!
- I'm just spending the summer getting to know my old friend, the Holo-Net, better!
- Has there been a Superlaser Festival, and I wasn't informed?? Get out.
- I'll save Lisa, frozen in carbonite or not frozen in carbonite.
- That's not fair, Nelson. They didn't have lightsabres back then.
- The great thing about the Jedi Academy is that you learn something you can use.
- The Force? Come on, Milhouse, there is no such thing as the Force. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like Rancors, or the Max Rebo Band.
- And then, Grandpa claimed he was the one who turned the Seperatists and the Republic against each other.
- Good idea. Milhouse, you and me will be Death Squadron. Todd, you and Data are Rogue Squadron. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin.
- Bith music sucks. All it does is take precious air space away from the Max Rebo Band.
- I sold my soul to the Sith!
- That sarlacc's quite upbeat for somebody who eats Mandalorians.
- When I grow up, I'm going to become a Sith-O and order planets blown up at home, just like Palpatine.
- Look at me, Grandma: I'm a Rebel! Peace man, groovy! Bomb Alderaan!
- Buy me Bonestorm or go to the Maw.
- Mom, I'm not a Padawan anymore!!
- Everyone thinks I'm a Sith!! But I'll show them what one can do with the Dark Side!
- Let's go to the Mon Calamari Shipyards. They're making a star cruiser with an interior like that of a '50s diner.
- I'm going to pose as the Count of Serenno and get some old Sith Lord to leave me all his money.
- Eh-eh. You gotta be forty inches tall to make Grand Moff material.
- "I want to help you, Finis Valorum" -- pfff -- even your dreams are square.
- Making teenagers depressed is just as easy as nerf-herding.
- Khomm. My dad says it's like Kamino if it were run by Ned Flanders.
- I can't get in trouble at school, I'm surrounded by podracing orphans and kids cloned from bounty hunters.
- Can't sleep.... the Sith will eat me.... can't sleep.... the Sith will eat me....
- All the best bands are affiliated with The Sith.

Simpson, Homer:
- Marge, with today's tibanna gas prices, we can't afford NOT to buy a bantha.
- Mustn't sleep... Must monitor Death Star reactor.
- It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent time known as the Clone Wars. Those were idealistic days... The candidacy of Palpatine, the rise of the Sith, it was an exciting time to be young...
- No, the Rebel Alliance said I was too heavy. The Imperial Stormtrooper Corps said I was too dumb.
- Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Abolishing democracy is cruel. Blowing up Alderaan is cruel. Enslaving the Mon Calamari is cruel. Everything is cruel. Well, excuse me if I'm cruel!
- And we can't watch Fox because they're owned by Kuat Drive Yards.
- Well, I can tell the difference between bacta and "I Can't Believe It's Not Bacta!"
- Oh, yeah. She's been as grey as a Duro since she was seventeen.
- There's a lightsabre hilt in my brain?
- Is there no place for the man with attunement to the Force?
- That's ridiculous, Thrawn. You do nothing but play God, and I think your clone stormtroopers would agree with me.
- Not clone-can, son -- Homer's Miracle Spaarti-Cylinder! Patent pending.
- Wait a minute...there's something bothering me about this place. I know! This Sith bar doesn't have a fire exit. Enjoy your death trap, Darths!!
- Now Marge, "Dear Abby" says seeing films featuring hyperdrive can calm your fears. Ooh! Here are some upbeat titles: "A New Hope", "The Empire Strikes Back"... "Return of the Jedi!"
- Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like Darth Maul of Iridonia after his initiation by Sidious of Coruscant.
- Well, you know me, I love droids! R2D2, C3PO, the Donut Droid... if you're not part of the solution, Marge, you're part of the problem!
- And Ted Koppel is a Droid!!
- Oh yeah? What have the Jedi ever done for you? When was the last time Yoda cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Luke Skywalker? I'll tell ya! Luke is making out with Mara Jade!
- Not to worry, honey. We live in a highly technological age where blowing up a planet is as simple as turning off a light!
- The New Republican candidates aren't going to fire me if I don't vote for them.
- D'oh! Billions of homo sapiens women in this galaxy and I had to marry Leia!!
- You can't fight the Empire, also known as Blockoland.
- Standing up for the Mon Calamari feels Good. Perhaps I should do it again.
- But Bart has inner beauty... like a dianoga.
- I gave that guy hyperdrive coordinates, even though I didn't know the coordinates, because that's the way I am!!
- My hunger strike will not end before Palpatine admits that he is the Dark Lord of the Sith!
- I'm kinda like Luke Skywalker but in a Jedi way.
- Those flavours are from the Core Worlds! They're moving the team to Corellia!!
- Do you NOW understand how dangerous Imperial Death Stars are??? No wonder one Death Star blows up each time Luke Skywalker gets near.
- When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on the Dark Side of the Force!
- Oh no! Two hundred and thirty nine pounds! I'm a Hutt!
- There's nothing between me and Princess Leia!
- Uh, Mister Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no Lando Calrissian.
- Some things on imperial warships are so snazzy they never go out of style! Like knife-shaped hulls... And sensor globes... And big superlasers...
- All my life, I have searched for a Star Destroyer that feels a certain way. Powerful like a Rancor, yet soft and yielding like an Ewok. Now, at last, I have found it.
- Jango Fett is mandalorian??
- Oh, the Nerfherder Boys are on strike!! Ooh, I'm on strike!!
- The Simpsons are going to Kashyyyk!!
- Death Stars are the Empire's way of keeping itself in check. When there are so many planets that the Emperor gets confused, a Death Star is built.
- AAAH!!! Mynocks!!
- Don't worry. Being eaten by a Sarlacc is just like falling asleep in a blender, just slower.
- Can anybody light this Ewok??? AARGH! Bad Ewok!! Bad Ewok!!
- I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how the Empire's going to BDZ me if I don't follow them?
- I, on the other hand, have been having a wonderful day, and I owe it all to joining the Sith!
- Maybe a few Death Sticks would refresh my memory.
- Perhaps I shall mate the Geonosian arena beasts with each other. Soon, a new hybrid will emerge with the agility of a Reek, the intelligence of a Nexu and the loyalty of an Acklay!!
- You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this blaster, Emperor Palpatine could just walk in here any time he wants, and start shoving you around.
- A blaster is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a lightsabre, or a gaffi stick, or...uh, a Rancor.
- Ooh, the Dark Side of the Force cost me everything. My wife, my kids... everything but my precious, precious lightsabre.
- Oh! A lima bean that looks just like Yoda!
- Now I can show all of you what I've come to realise! The reason we're not allowed to go near Fondor is because there is no new Imperial flagship! He's taken our money just so he can... build one hell of an Executor-class Commandship!
- Marge, when I join the Rebel Alliance, I expect a little support from my family!
- Hey, what's going on? That guy's not Jabba the Hutt! He's fat and stupid!
- My padawan learners, there's three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Jedi way!
- Here's some advice on women: Never give them nicknames such as "Bantha" and "Deathstar."
- He didn't even live to be a shadow of his former self, a once-mighty man shrivelled by the Dark Side of the Force!
- For me, the Clone Wars ended that day on Byss.
- I have realised that I'm the "The" in "The Force!"
- What?? This starship has a hyperdrive??
- Jedi?? What's a Jedi??
- The Holo-Net is a boy's best friend.
- AARGH!! OOOOW!!! YEEEH!!!! The Mynock's got me!
- Kids? Everything's going to be just fine. Now go upstairs, and pack your bags...we're going to start a new life...on Kamino. There'll be no accusations, just friendly Grey aliens above the sea!
- "Carpal tunnel syndrome"...no. "Clone psychosis"...no. "Hyperdrive fear"...no. "Lightsaber handlink"...no. Oh, I'm never going to be disabled! I'm sick of being so healthy. Hey, wait...Huttishness! "If you're a Hutt, you qualify as disabled."
- Imperial Academy Graduate students, eh? You can blow up Alderaan but you can't make my shoes smell great, huh??
- Maybe Obi-Wan is right. Obi-Wan is always right!
- But those Rebel spaceships always look so crummy!
- My only hope is this home-made deathstick. It needs more ice cream.
- What?? "Mr. And Mrs. Erotic Corellian??"
- And I don't believe in the Force! It breaks up republics, turns Sith against Jedi, battle-droids against Clonetroopers, neighbors against me.
- All right, you got your way. Your Mom's turning to a Jedi Knight for advice. She's going to tell Marge to leave me. It'll break up the family and you'll have to live on Dagobah with a little green guy.
- Stop! Those candidates are phonies! You heard me! They're clones from beyond the Outer Rim, spawned in the incubation tanks of storm-hammer'd Kamino! (Author's note: Is it just me, or do I have a fetish for the word "storm-hammered??")
- My "Best of Max Rebo - Featuring Sy Snootles" album! So it was the dog that buried all our stuff."
- Marge, anyone can miss Corellia, all tucked away out there in the Outer Rim.
- Mmmm... blue yoghurt.
- Mmmm... deathsticks.
- Mmmm... Dex' appetizers.
- Mmmm... Bantha.
- To find Luke Skywalker, you gotta think like Luke Skywalker!! "I'm an effeminate, whiny farm boy, and I wear the same stupid tunic everyday!"
- What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll brand an Imperial Emblem to your butt and mail you to Mon Calamari!
- There it is! The chain that put the "Fat" into "Big Fat Hutt."
- I paid for a colossal Death Star, and I'm going to get a Colossal Death Star.
- Now, I'm a big Hutt dynamo!!
- There's an error!! Who the heck is Jaina Solo??
- That Admiral Daala thinks she is so big!! What happened to Thrawn??
- They didn't have aspirins, so I bought Death Sticks!
- That's weird. Like something out of those star movies about those wars.
- Ah, here it is. Han Solo's bookshelf. "Volume 1: Starship modifications."
- (designing a starship) I want a turbolaser turret here, here, and here. You can never find enough weaponry when you want to BDZ something.
- Yes, there's no such thing as a Sith!!
- Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's in heaven right now laughing it up with the other celebrities. Jango Fett, Sebulba, Wilhuff Tarkin.
- He attempted to assassinate Padmé Amidala?? He must have been one of the evilest men of the Clone Wars!
- He's a washed-up movie star. He should be dating washed-up Twi'lek dancers! Or, at least, he should be dating the results of the failed "Project: Kaminoan-Human Hybrid" genetic experiment, which in turn was a result of Lama Su's LSD trips.
- I'm tired of these Yuuzhan Vong invasions! This galaxy is turning into a Yuuzhan Vong Country Circus.
- Now, Figrin D'An And The Modal Nodes paved the way for the Max Rebo Band, which involved some sort of elephant playing an organ.
- I'm an X-Wing pilot! A Rebel! I don't care for rules!!
- Well, it's like the time that Obi-Wan Kenobi died at the hands of Darth Vader. What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new Jedi Master.
- Kaminoans, bio-duplication, nude conspiracies... Oh my God! Dexter Jettster was right!!
- The Emperor gave me command over atoms!! Make those atoms march in unison!!
- Tarkin's hat, and it's autographed! "To a very special redheaded Admiral. Best wishes, Wilhuff."
- Well, when Shmi makes a Manwich, she uses... erm, that weird sort of bread they eat on Tatooine.
- What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Death Star?
- We were sitting in the Millennium Falcon eating packets of mustard. You happy?
- The New Republic is embarrasing me. It's embarrassing Coruscant. They turned the Imperial Starfleet into a spaceborne joke. They ruined all our best names like Anakin, Jacen, and Luke. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh...
- Don't worry, boy. We're gonna set you straight. By tomorrow morning, you'll be a regular Han Solo!
- In theory, the Old Republic worked. In theory.
- I am the ancient Sith Lord, Darth Ganesh! This wedding angers me. It will break up or all will die from the arcane lightning lancing from my fingertips.
- We elected the wrong Palpatine.
- Look! A message. This planer will be BDZed at sundown. Wait a second, I don't like the sound of that...
- Oh angel, listen not to this acolyte of the Sith!

Simpson, Lisa:
- She'll have the wisdom of Adi Gallia and the wit of Princess Leia Organa, the tenacity of Admiral Daala, and the common sense of Supreme Commander Mon Mothma! And to top it off, the down-to-earth good looks of Mara Jade. (Author's note: OK, I admit that Mara Jade's appearance is anything but down-to-earth. But we couldn't mention Leia two times, could we??)
- It's not funny, Bart. Millions of Imperial Stormtroopers will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act -- that they can never be more than vacuous-minded thugs whose only goal is to look disciplined, earn a lot of military decorations and spend all day off duty with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look disciplined and have a high kill record! (author's note: If my prejudices about Imperial training systems are right, this might actually be an accurate description of most stormtroopers' way of thinking)
- Good luck, Dad! Although I'm morally opposed to the Galactic Imperial Star Fleet of which you are now a part.
- An Imperator-class Star Destroyer. How subtle.
- Ooh, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Queen of Naboo!
- But Mom, if you take our Holo-Net away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be droids.
- Darth Vader seems to have lost his edge...
- You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on Podracing?
- Dad, there's many prominent Twi'lek celebrities including Lynn Me, Orn Free Taa and Aayla Secura!!
- Find the Gold Wookiee and win a free vacation to Kashyyyk??
- Alderaan is like an azure jewel viewed hereup from space.
- Mom! Bart implied that I was a Bantha!!
- Wait!! Banthas don't hatch from eggs!!
- Those poor, helpless Banthas.
- I can't believe she had a rhyme for "Palpatine!!"
- I love Coruscant-town! Although I don't like the way they pick on Kashyyyk-town!
- TK-421 and all these other Stormtroopers are obviously the product of mental conditioning.
- That's just a dog in a Stormtrooper uniform.
- Why did Obi-Wan have a lasso?
- Can't you see what Palpatine has done to this Republic?
- Lenny and Carl?? Are you Jedi??
- Remember that fabled new clone son Ralph's been talking about?? It's an acorn.
- Because we all know you're a naive pawn -- puppet, if you will -- of the most diabolical political genius the galaxy has ever known: Emperor Palpatine I!!
- Boba Fett! You gave a talk on bounty hunters' issues at my school on how you don't have to be second-class citizens.
- Well, Mr. Tarkin, I hope you've realized the folly of blowing up innocent planets.
- There's no way I'll get into an Imperial Academy now. At this rate I probably won't even get into Carida.
- The tractor beam isn't a toy, Dad.
- Mom, I know your intentions are good - but aren't the Imperial Stormtrooper Corps the protective force that maintains the status quo for the Imperial government?
- Yeah, well, Bevel Lemelisk stole the Death Star blueprints from the Geonosians, but they stole'em from Steve Allen.
- I can't eat a poor little bantha.
- What's the difference between this bantha and the one that kissed me?
- I never realized before, but the Imperial Stormtrooper Corps' recruitment ads send the message that violence against Ewoks is funny.
- Is there anything here which there isn't Bantha in??
- I'm never ever apologizing because I was standing up for the Rebel Alliance and you were wrong, WRONG, WRONG!!
- I want to meet the first female X-Wing pilot. During the Galactic Civil War she destroyed seventy Imperial frigates.
- That New Republic Senate is a hotbed of isolationist snobs and war-mongerering imperialists.
- Mom, do you want to know the fifteen reasons I like tauntauns better than air speeders? One, a tauntaun never has to...
- Han Solo was really a vicious pirate named Han Suul. He once killed a Rodian in a groghouse fight.
- No, not Janey! She'll pack the New Republican Senate with Trandoshans!
- General Kenobi??
- It smells like Obi-Wan's robes.
- Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Daala, and then sold off piece by piece to Grand Moff Tarkin, who died with his Death Star.
- Oh no, I think I have a crush on Jacen Solo.
- Dad, I think he's a Yuuzhan Vong! His boots are biotechnologic, his hat is organic, and I'm pretty sure that check is organic too!

Simpson, Marge:
- Homer, it's not the solution to move to Kamino! It's not gonna happen!
- Honey, you're not going to throw red paint at the executives, are you? The Kuat Drive Yards people were very upset.
- Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Darth Vader's Death Squadron because you thought the Executor was going to BDZ your garden?
- Aah! Bart, put that down! Lightsabers are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house!
- Homer, when did you become a member of People for the Ethical Treatmentof Droids??
- Well, leave it to good ol' Luke Skywalker to finally step in and do something about that hideous Yuuzhan Vong invasion.
- Outer Rim Baby Proofing?? What's that??
- Who's Palpatine??
- My name is Marge. I'm here about your ad: "Single white Homo Sapiens female wanted for doing mysterious jobs for the Emperor. Must like the Dark Side. Non-smokers preferred."
- Well, you can tell that Ysanne Isard never had children - just look how firm and high her breasts are. (editor's note: This one was originally to be about Admiral Daala, but I later changed it to Isard)
- Around here, the Black Knights of the Sith Order don't get any desserts for lunch.
- C3PO and R2D2 at least left it to your imagination.
- What? Lando Calrissian's having an affair!!
- The Jedi Academy is no place for little girls!!
- Homer, Leia IS a woman.
- This one's a good choice, and it's not too smutty. It's a book on tape by Count Dooku, you know, that nice Serennoan man who's like a pleasant version of Darth Tyrannus?
- Nobody wanted to babysit you, so I had between a student at the Imperial Naval Academy and a scary-looking Wookiee.
- Will you two please stop saying "The Force" so much??
- Ah, here we have Han Solo and Lando Calrissian... rolled into one!
- I just realized we never had a wedding for the Tauntaun and the Wampa... they've been living in sin!
- OK, I'll talk about father... Luke Skywalker's father. That's the guy they also call Darth Vader.
- Now, I know we love the Ewoks very much, but I think they're getting to be a problem.
- Bart, it's illegal for you to operate that TIE-Fighter without a pressurized space suit.
- And besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that he falls down a Sarlacc pit.
- Your boyhood dream is to eat the galaxy's biggest hoagie! And you did it at the Outer Rim Fair on Mon Calamari last year, remember!?
- A Krayt Dragon with sunglasses? Hah! Now I've seen everything.
- The Empire is BDZ'ing everything we hold dear! And you kids should have jackets on.
- It's a story of murder and revenge from beyond the Dark Side of The Force!
- Palpatine, North Dakota?
- You won't be watching the Holo-Net any more. Ever.
- No, I will not pay Grand Moff Tarkin 500 credits for sex!
- We can't afford to buy a starship from a shipyard that has a philosophy. So we gotta hit the Kuat Drive Yards this time.
- If Grand Admiral Thrawn jumped off a cliff, would you do that too?
- A Sith behind a mask is still a Sith.
- You want to see women at the workplace?? Then why not go work at Daala's office at the Maw??
- Hello? Oh hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Dantooine. Good night. Hello?? Imperial High Command?? No, my son's car was not crushed on Alderaan. I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that. Hello?? No, Bart's not available tomorrow to deliver Boba Fett's blood samples to Kamino tomorrow. Homer, are you laughing at me?
- Turbolaser cannons are designed to BDZ!!
- I still don't understand why we have to order a clone army from a planet I haven't even heard of.
- I've been so bored since we moved here, I found myself taking a Death Stick each day.
- CalamariVision goggles? A bathroom scale from a Star Destroyer? A briefcase case made out of a Krayt Dragon's skin? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems. (Author's note: "calamarivision" goggles let you see everything the way Mon Calamari see it)
- Homer, why are they saying you're going to fight Chewbacca?
- Homer, listen carefully: Jango Fett is a homosexual!
- Remember, Bart, Sith Lords aren't cool, they're crooks.
- Homer, you know how unpredictable the Yuuzhan Vong are. One minute they're kissing a woman's hand, the next, they're sacrificing her to Yun-Yuuzhan! What if they start a war?
- You're crazy! I'm not a Sith!
- Just because all the people who lived in that house fell to the Dark Side of The Force, doesn't it mean the same is going to happen to the Flanders.

Simpson, Mona (Homer's mother):
- It all started during the Clone Wars!!
- Luke Skywalker's wild, untamed farmboy hair revealed a new word of rebellion - of change.
- Oh, my little Homie-Ewok.
- We've met the enemy and it was Emperor Palpatine. Drastic means must be taken to take out his Imperial war machines.

Skinner, Seymour:
- Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing of earrings unless you're of Yuuzhan Vong obstraction.
- The Second Space Battle O'er Springfieldooine IX was fought between the Empire, the Rebel Alliance.... and the Newer-Than-Old-But-Not-New Republic.
- We've just been tipped off that Grand Moff Chalmers is planning a surprise inspection, so let's clean up this pig sty. On another topic, the following students have won Landspeeders: Bart Simpson, Jimbo Jones, Nelson Muntz.
- The Moffs told me I'd get a big parade when I came back from Hoth, but instead they spat on me.
- In the event of the Empire choosing to BDZ this planet, fallout shelter space will be limited. Space will be reserved for Lisa, Martin, young Boba Fett, that Podracing Wiz Kid, and Sherri, but not Terri.
- Dexter Jettster's Special contains much needed poisonous additives and vital death stick concentrate.
- This is a great way to make extra money, renting out our cloakrooms to the Death Star's prison system.
- Not through the Jedi Younglings!!
- We were on recon in the steaming Tatooine Desert. An overheated Storm Trooper removed his armour, revealing a kevlar jumpsuit with an iron-on sporting the slogan "Up With Mini-Skirts".
- Every class will do its part to make our planetary bicentennial just as memorable as the New Republic Anniversary.

Smithers, Waylon:
- Attention, everyone. Let's have an awed hush please for Darth Burns.
- Whew! Heh, that would be quite a feat. Yoda is a total recluse! He hasn't appeared in public in over twenty years. Here, I'm writing an article on him for my next newsletter. It contains his last known whereabouts. Here, I'll print you out a copy.
- Look at all the wonderful things you have, sir: Darth Maul's lightsabre, the only existing nude photo of Grand Admiral Thrawn and that rare first draft of the Declaration of Rebellion with the word "suckers" in it.
- Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw the Emperor down the reactor core.
- I think that women and Sith-men don't mix.
- Oh, Darth Burns, we'll get you out the second the Bacta has healed the seventeen stab wounds in the back.
- I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one when you let Grand Admiral Thrawn win.
- Darth Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with Grand Moff Tarkin.
- It's not a Kaminoan! It's Mr. Burns!

Snake:
- Fry, Gamorrean.
- Oh no, that's Slave-1! And she's in pain! Screw the Mandalorian Code of Honour, my Firespray needs me!

Snyder, Judge Roy:
- Mr. Simpson, you are forbidden to come within five parsecs of any Jedi, living or dead.
- Hmm. "Han Skywalker," "Luke Solo," "Lando Antilles," "Wedge Calrissian." Huh, I'm going to give you the only name you spelt correctly. From this day forward, your name shall be ... Max Power!

Springfield, Jebediah:
- People, our search is over! This planet we shall settle where we can use The Force, govern justly, and extract vast amounts of tibanna gas for use as Blaster ammunition!
- What are you talking about, Luke Skywalker? Why would we want to marry the Emperor's henchwomen?

Sunday School Teacher:
- Ralph, Yoda did not have wheels.
- Uh, but Bart, we banned you from the Jedi Academy. You were happy, we were happy, everybody was happy - particularly the Ewoks.
- OK, class, we have a special treat today for pass-around: a replica of the lightsabre Luke Skywalker used against Darth Vader.

Sweet, Lucius:
- Yes, managing Sebulba has been my highest priority, even though he is temporarily incarcerated in a heavy-duty electromagnetic forcefield for pushing a Gran down the stairs. But with his inpending release, I've been strategizing for his glorious return to the Boonta Eve Classic.

Szyslak, Moe:
- All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the Twi'lek ladies in the love-slave cloning catalogues.
- Kuat Drive Yards bought the Springfield Isotopes from from Jango & Boba Fett. It was one of the last family-owned teams.
- I think it's a sign from the Emperor that we shall all go nuts!!
- I was born a Jedi, and I'll die a Jedi.
- Dammit! It fell apart like everything else I've ever believed in! Ahh, I guess it's back to the good ol' fashioned Force.
- The deep fryer's here. Heh heh, I got it used, straight off a decommissioned Star Destroyer. You can flash-fry a Bantha in seconds. (Inscription on Deep Fryer reads: "ISD Armoured Fist, H18-deck Mess")
- Oho, an Alderaanian boy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in the Galactic Civil War.
- How about a warm Flaming Moe's welcome for... Max Rebo Band featuring Sy Snootles!
- And remember our guarantee: If Grand Moff Tarkin doesn't smile when your homeworld is blown up, you'll eat for free!!
- You know, Pod Racing might be right up your alley.
- When I realized we hadn't have any ladies in here since Mara Jade last was here, I turned it into an office.
- Aw, it ain't no mystery. The whole New Republic's got a swishifying effect on kids today. And the new Jedi Order and blue yoghurt ain't gonna set'em Sith, neither. You gotta do it yourself, Homer, and you gotta do it fast.

Van Houten, Grandpa:
- No, I'm not a Jedi Knight. I just happen to own a YT-1300 Corellian Transport converted into an interstellar RV.

Van Houten, Millhouse:
- Wait! How about a fair? Not just a planetary fair, not just a sector fair, but an Imperial fair... the Great Imperial Fair on Coruscant! The Sand People have built a giant motorized Gaffi Stick, and the fair's symbol is a miniature Death Star, which sits atop a big steel shaft.
- OK, here's what we've got: the Neimoidian Trade Federation, in conjunction with the Hutt Crime Syndicates under the supervision of the Sith Lords are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner.
- So if you're so sure, why not sell your soul to the Sith??
- Remember Jar-Jar Binks?? He's back - in POG FORM!!
- MOM! Bart's using the Dark Side of The Force!!!
- Watch out, Itchy!! He's Corellian!
- Wow! If Palpatine wore pants, he'd use that belt!!
- You guys are way off. It's a secret lab where the Kaminoans take the brains out of zombies and put them in the heads of Clonetroopers to create... Storm Troopers! (Editor's note: This, at least, explains why stormtroopers have worse aim than Clonetroopers)

Washington, George:
- We had quitters in the Clone Wars, too! We called them "Mon Calamari!"

Wiggum, Chief Clancy:
- Yes, everybody's heard of the Geonosians, but who's heard of a Kaminoan?
- We'll catch Solo. And then he'll learn the fine art of bounty-hunting.
- Afternoon, Homer. Care for some chili? I've added an extra ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Kashyyyk! Grown deep in the jungle primeval by a bunch of crazy Wookiees.
- Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary acklay, a bug with the head of a lizard and.... apparently, the body of a lizard too.
- I mailed these bogus prize certificates to every scoundrel on the Outer Rim. When they show up for their free Firespray-Class Patrol Vessels, we arrest them and beat them to the full extent of the law.

Wiggum, Ralph:
- Your father told me about Tatooinian cooking.
- My rancor's breath smells like Twi'lek.
- The trandoshans bent my wookiee.
- When I go up, I'm going to graduate at Bantha University.
- When I grow up, I want to be a Grand Moff... or a caterpillar.
- That's where I saw the Ewok. He tells me to blow up planets.
- Hi, Grand Muffler Tarkin.

Willie, Groundskeeper:
- It's impossible for me to handle a lightsaber. If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingers. Look at 'em! I got them during the Clone Wars!
- Eh, you're lucky you're getting a decent burial. Me own father fell in a Sarlacc pit!!
- If elected Supreme Chancellor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of the Jedi and burn Alderaan to cinders!!
- You've mastered the Force, but can you handle its Dark Side?
- My hobby is secretly videotaping couples in their airspeeders. I dinna come forward because in the New Republic, it makes you look like a pervert -- but every single Corellian person does it!
- That colored chalk was forged by Darth Maul himself!
- I shall strike with what you cannot protect yourself against! With The Force!!
- Ach! Sarlacc-Sand!!

Wolfecastle, Rainier:
- Nice robes, Johnny, makes you look like a Jedi.

[Peregrin Toker]

----------------------------------------

The Stonecutter members:
- Homer
- Lenny
- Carl
- Abe
- Yoda
- Grand Moff Tarkin
- Owen Lars
- Rath Sienar, designer of the TIE Fighter
- Monty Burns and Waylon Smithers
- Kyle Katarn
- Boba Fett
- Jabba the Hutt
- Bib Fortuna
- Dexter Jettster
- General Dodonna
- Imperial Admirals Giel and Piett
- Rebel Admiral Ackbar
- Sebulba
- Itchy (Chewbacca's father)
- Prince Xizor
- Nom Anor
- Lando Calrissian
- Figrin D'An
- Wedge Antilles
- Archduke Poggle the Lesser
- Prime Minister Lama Su
- Boss Nass
- Viceroy Nute Gunray
- C3PO and R2D2

The Stonecutters Galaxy Council:
- Grand Admiral Thrawn
- Emperor Palpatine
- Darth Vader
- George Lucas

Bowling Teams at the Bowl-A-Rama:
- Aquatic Avengers: Admiral Ackbar, Prime Minister Lama Su, General Jar Jar Binks and a Quarren.
- The Jedi Rollers: Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker.
- Imperial Navy Bigwigs: Grand Admiral Thrawn, Grand Moff Tarkin, Admiral Piett and Ulric Tagge.
- Dark Side of the Bowling Alley: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Sir Jerec and Asajj Ventress.
- Macho Imperial Women With Guns: Ysanne Isard, Mara Jade, Guri and Admiral Daala.

The slideshow revealing the guests of the burlesque house:
[slide of Han Solo]
Leia Organa: Han!
[slide or Luke Skywalker]
Mara Jade: Luke!
[slide of Grand Moff Tarkin]
Thrawn: Tarkin?
Daala: Wilhuff!
[slide of Ysanne Isard]
The whole crowd: [off-screen] ICEHEART??
[slide of Uncle Owen]
Beru Lars: Owen!
[slide of Lando Calrissian to which nobody reacts]
Lobot: ... Oh, uh... [forced] Lando.
[slide of Boba Fett]
Imperial officer: Boba Fett?
Fett: The other bounty hunters insisted I gave it a try, sir.
[slide of Palpatine]
Advisor: Emperor Palpatine!!
Palpatine: Uh, well, that could be any Sith Lord.

The episode about Homer Simpson meeting an extraterrestrial would also turn out a bit difference, with nonhuman species being common. However, we could introduce a subplot about Monty Burns and Lama Su being mistaken for each other.
And all the Star Wars references would probably be a different deal.

[Peregrin Toker]

Here's where I got the idea:

http://www.snpp.com/guides/borg.html

COMING SOON:

If H.P. Lovecraft wrote "The Simpsons!"

[DPDarkPrimus]

I am frightened at the amount of free time you have.

[lukexcom]

Somewhere in that humongous first post - I think it was under Helen LoveJoy's section - is a quote that should have been attributed to "Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel" (don't know if he has a last name).

Ah, here it is:

"Hey! Kids! We're eatin' dinner tonight! Mara, Leia, Padmé, Qui-Gon, Han, Lando, Anakin, Ysanne, Biggs, Owen, Jango, Wilhuff, Guri, Leonia, Gaeriel, Jacen, Jek, Colton, Jaina, Wynssa, Nomi, Bail, Mon, Joruus, Beru, Mace, Obi-Wan!"

It was in the episode where when Marge started up her own pretzel business.

Other than that....um, good job. It was entertaining. I see you have a lot of free time on your hands. Hey, if you're bored anytime soon, I've some work that needs to be done around my house.

[DPDarkPrimus]

*POKE!*

Welcome to SD.net, lukexcom.

[Gandalf]

ROTFLMAO!!!

Those were brillant, I love the one about Death Stars keeping the Empire in check.

[lukexcom]

*POKE!*

Welcome to SD.net, lukexcom.

Rubs shoulder
Thanks...heh, looks like I'm gonna have to do something about this four month old "newbie" title.

[Darth Yoshi]

Which version of the Journal of the Whills for tonight's quiz? The Stormtrooper Field Chaplain Whill Journal, The Emperor Palpatine Whill Journal, (Author's note: This is a jab at the King James Bible, if you don't get the joke) Padawan Learner's Journal of the Whills, Reform Jedi Journal, New Republic Journal of the Whills, Star Wars Spiritual Commentaries by Curtis Saxon, Yuuzhan Vong Organic Journal, Grand Admiral's Thrawn Art-of-War Journal, Sinister Sith Version Of The Journal Of The Whills, The Superlaser-Resistant Whill Journal, Coruscant Imperial Religious University Translation, Skywalker's Journal of the Whills, The Journal Of The Whills Emasculated To Conform To Naboonese Society, The Sith-O-Nomicon, or the dreaded tome known as "The Bible According To Mike Wong??"

*tries to restrain laughter unsuccessfully*

[Peregrin Toker]

I am frightened at the amount of free time you have.

Actually, I only worked on small bits at a time. Whenever The Simpsons aired, I "Star Wars-ified" some of the punchlines and added them.

[His Divine Shadow]

[Peregrin Toker]

Here's some SW-ified Simpsons dialogue:

DR. NICK: Now there are many options available for dangerously underweighted individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology.
LAMA SU: I'm not underweighted. Ever seen a Kaminoan before?? The whole species looks like this, and I belong to that species.
DR. NICK: I have indeed seen "Communion." And that movie sucked.

MARGE: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. They're probably Bounty Hunters.
HOMER: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If I work for the Empire and they destroy a populated planet, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.

HOMER: Excuse me, do you sell sarlaccs?
PET SHOP OWNER: Uh, sure, pal. Right here.
HOMER: (reads tag) "Hentai tentacle demon." Hey! This is the wrong genre!

BART: Hey, how come Lisa gets a bantha?
HOMER: Because she stopped loving me.
BART: I don't love you either, so give me a landspeeder.

[Admiral Johnason]

Such brillance, but didn't you know that Palpie is a clone of Burns. CM Burns is actually older than Yoda and he is still alive today.

[Peregrin Toker]

Such brillance, but didn't you know that Palpie is a clone of Burns.

That explains.... a lot! (such as the zombie Mr. Burns wearing black robes in a Treehouse of Horror episode and exclaiming "And now you will die!")

However, the episode where Burns was mistaken for an alien could imply something else.

(insert my "Kaminoan/Human crossbreed" description of Asajj Ventress, applied to Monty Burns)

[Admiral Johnason]

Excellent, now come Smithers, we have have a town... I mean galaxy to rule.

[Lonestar]

That was the most brillant thing I've ever read.

[Ghost Rider]

Fantastic...truly cool.

[EmperorMing]

"Telewookies" !!!

You have issues...

[Crown]

I am frightened at the amount of free time you have.

I concur.

EDIT: Still very funny, great stuff!

[Montcalm]

"Telewookies" !!!

You have issues...

Why do i have this mental image of Telewookie ripping peoples arms off.

[Peregrin Toker]

"Telewookies" !!!

At least it's better than Digimon!

[IRG CommandoJoe]

ROFLMFAO!!!!
Great job! This should be stick-i-fied!

[Admiral Johnason]

"Telewookies" !!!

At least it's better than Digimon!

What the hell is a telewookie?

[Peregrin Toker]

"Telewookies" !!!

At least it's better than Digimon!

What the hell is a telewookie?

Equal parts teletubby and wookie. Imagine a psychedelically coloured ewok with pointy ears, a weird growth on its forehead, a TV monitor on the belly and a very bad temper.

In other words, straight out of a bad LSD trip!

[Peregrin Toker]

HOMER: Where's that red-eyed, raven-haired waitress of yours?
MOE: Oh, she left to pursue a career in Imperial Intelligence. Frankly, I think she was better off here.

BART: Oh boy! Free trading cards!
MILHOUSE: Wow! Yoda! Almost a millennium's servitude to the Galactic Republic!
NELSON: Whoa, Qui-Gon Jinn rookie card!
NED FLANDERS: Heh heh, well boys, who'd have thought learning about the Jedi could be fun?
BART: Jedi?
MILHOUSE: Learning?
NELSON: Let's get out of here!

KENT: Kent Brockman here, with Campaign: Coruscant Flips A Coin. At an appearance this morning, Senator Palpatine made some rather cryptic remarks, which aides attributed to overly puffy sleeves.
PALPATINE: I am Palpatine. As burgeoning emperor, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
MARGE: Hmm, that's Slick Palpy for you, always with the smooth talk.