Ammusing rewrite of the OT to fit with the Prequals....

[Chris OFarrell]

Repost from theforce.net

STAR WARS, EPISODE 4: AN EVEN NEWER HOPE
(includes 'worst case scenario' Ep3 speculation)
If you take this seriously, you're going to hate me So don't.

It is a period of idealogical war. Spaceships from the Alliance of Rebelling Systems, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory in twenty years against the evil Galactic Empire, led by the Emperor Sith Lord Darth Sidious.
During the battle (see the cartoon spin off), members of the Geonosian underground managed to steal secret plans to the ultimate weapon of the Confederacy of Independend Systems, the Death Star, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet, which had fallen in the hands of the Emperor who forced the Geonosians to construct it after they were defeated in the Clone War.
Pursued by Darth Vader, Senator Leia Organa races home aboard her starship, to deliver the plans in the hands of Jimmy Smits and her foster mother, who in reality - but unkown to Leia - is her real mother in disguise, and restore freedom to their part of the galaxy.
Neither Vader nor Leia knows, that they are father and daughter...

VADER: There'll be no one to stop us this time, unlike twenty years ago, when they blew up the first Death Star!

THREEPIO: What a desolate place this is. Somehow it looks familiar.

THREEPIO: Wait, what's that? A JAWA transport! I'm saved!

OWEN: What I really need is a droid that understands the binary languages of moisture vaporators.
THREEPIO: Vaporators! Sir - My second job was talking to moisture vaporators, on a farm much like this one. In fact, this place looks very familiar!
OWEN: Threepio? Is that you? You look so shiny!
THREEPIO: Master Owen! It is you! It is you!
OWEN: All right; shut up! Don't tell Luke! You understand? He must not know that we know each other! (to Jawa) I'll take this one, but i refuse to pay for him. He was stolen from me 23 years ago!

THREEPIO: Thank Anakin Skywalker, the maker!

LUKE: Well, not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest, or teleport me off this rock!
THREEPIO: I don't think so, sir. I've seen teleporting twenty years ago and it sucked. Plus I'm only a droid and not very knowledgeable about such things. Not on this planet, anyways. As a matter of fact, it's pretty funny that I ended up on Tattooine again!
LUKE: What do you mean?
THREEPIO: Uhm, never mind.
LUKE: Well, if there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from.
THREEPIO: Huh? This is Naboo? What happened?

LUKE: Uh, you can call me Luke.
THREEPIO: I see, Luke Skywalker.
LUKE: How do you know my last name?
THREEPIO: Uhm, lucky guess...

LUKE: Have you been in many battles?
THREEPIO: Several, I'm very sure. Actually, there's not much to tell after those cartoon spin-offs.

AUNT BERU: Luke's just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him.
OWEN: You refer to the prophecy of the Chosen One and his high midichlorian count?
AUNT BERU: No, I mean he's always stalking girls.

BEN: Well of course I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by the name Obi-Wan since oh, some time after you were born.
LUKE: Then the droid does belong to you.
BEN: Don't seem to remember ever owning a droid, but he does look familiar. Very interesting...

LUKE: No, my father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a spice freighter.
BEN: That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. Thought he should not have stolen that droid and taking off without saying goodbye.
LUKE: You fought in the Clone Wars?
BEN: War, not warS. Only one war, kiddo. Cartoon spin-offs don't count. And it was more like a droid war anyway. I was once a Jedi Knight, just as you father was once a Jedi apprentice. I used to be one of those too, before I instantly became a Master. Let's just use the term Knight, it's easier.
LUKE: I wish I'd known him.
BEN: He was the best podrace-pilot on one planet in one race, and a cunning warrior. I often congratulated my young Padawan on his good calls during battle.
I understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself. And he was an annoying apprentice. Not much of a friend, but hey, i promised my dying master to train him. Which reminds me...
BEN: I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were 4 years old, but your uncle wouldn't allow it. He feared you might follow old Obi-Wan on some damned-fool idealistic crusade. Something you father would have done if there had ever been some kind of idealistic crusade in those days.

BEN: Your fathers LASERSWORD. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster, though much less effective when you're facing an entire army or even someone who uses two blasters and a rocket.
An elegant weapon to cut off limbs with for a more civilized time. For over a thousand YEARS the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the even darker times, before the Empire.

BEN: A young Jedi apprentice named Darth Vader, who was my only pupil ever until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights who weren't killed by a bunch of droids. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now there are only two Jedi left. Vader was forced by circumstances to join the dark side of the Force.
LUKE: The Force?
BEN: Well, the Force is what gives midichlorians their power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us, sometimes it even impregnates us. It binds the galaxy together. And it talks to us through the midichlorians.
LUKE: Midichlorians?
BEN: You see, midichlorians are microscopic...no, let's just move on.
LUKE: I really want to know.
BEN: No you don't. Trust me, you don't want to know.

LEIA: JEDI MASTER Kenobi, years ago you knew my mother who knew my father during the Clone War.

VADER: And, now Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden Rebel base. Hmmm, I sense something....something i haven't felt since...Padmé...NO! It can not be!
LEIA: What is it?
VADER: Nothing, it must be a malfunction in my artifical midichlorian boost-pack.

BEN: Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more ridiculous hive of pratfalls and poop jokes. We must be cautious.

BEN: The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded. As long as their mind is not immune to it. You will find it a powerful ally, as long as the Dark Side doesn't diminish you ability to use it.

BEN: Well, most of the best freighter pilots can be found here. Only watch your step. This place can be a little rough. Or so I've heard. I've never actually been here before.

VADER: Her resistance to the mind probe is considerable. The Force is strong with her. Strange...could she be? Nah!

HAN: Jabba, I'll pay you because it's my pleasure. By the way, why did you come to see me yourself and tell me what Greedo had already told me? And aren't you supposed to be the leader of this planet? You're acting like some local mobster, coming here just for me!
JABBA: That's it, shoot him!
BOBA FETT (without helmet, showing us Tem Morrisson's face): With pleasure, my dear foster father.

EXT. ALDERAAN, ROYAL PALACE, DAY
The Death Star obscures the sun. Everybody is scared goo-less.
PADME (in yet another disguise): Look!
JIMMY SMITS: Ah crap! And nobody ever mentioned my character's name!
KABOOM!!!!!!

HAN: Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there are little powerful microscopic lifeforms controlling everything. There are no little creatures that control my destiny.

BEN: In my experience, there's no such thing as luck. Except when my pupil flew into a spaceship and blew up it up by accident. And when my powerful Sith opponent suddenly forgot how to fight so i could cut him in half. But those were exceptions.

HAN: Look, going good against remotes is one thing. Going good against the living? That's something else.
BEN: Tell me about it. I only managed to destroy some droids when i was a Jedi. I couldn't even kill some unoriginal bounty hunter.

LEIA: Aren't you a little short for a clone?

A soft buzzer and the muted voice of Luke calling out for See-Threepio can be heard on Threepio's hand comlink, which is sitting on the deserted computer console. Artoo and Threepio are nowhere in sight. Suddenly there is a great explosion and the door of the control tower flies across the floor. Four armed stormtroopers enter the chamber.
CLUNK! A trooper hits his head.
TROOPER: Ouch! I wish those cloners would fix this genetic character flaw. Everybody keeps hitting his head all the time!

VADER: I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. The circle is even more complete now than it already was 20 years ago.
When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master.
BEN: Only a master of evil, ANAKIN SKYWALKER!
The two Galactic warriors stand perfectly still for a few moments, sizing each other up and waiting for the right moment.
Suddenly, Ben yells and jumps up, flips in mid-air and lands near Vader who does the same!
They jump, flip-flop, bounce and slide all over the place, barely hitting each other's swords! It's too cool to describe!!!
Suddenly, Vader shoots lightning from his free hand!
Ben blocks it with his lasersword!
Vader can't fight anymore! He's too tired! Ben closes in for the kill...
BEN: You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I won't become more
powerful than you can possibly imagine. I'll just talk a bit with some kid.
Suddenly, the Emperor comes up from behind and cuts Ben's head off!
Ben's head flies off - screaming loudly!!! Then his body dissapears in a huge flash!!!
EMPEROR: Blast! He knew the secret Sith vanishing move! Yoda must have taught him!
VADER: We will find Yoda and destroy him, master! Then truly nothing in the universe will stand in our way!
EMPEROR: No, i sense two others...

GENERAL JAR JAR BINKS: Da battle stasion is heavily shieldad and itsa carries da firingpower grander than half thussen star fleet. Itsa defensary thinges ara thinked around da direct bombad bigge assault. A small one-mannish fighter shoulda be able to busting inna da outa defense thinges.
GOLD LEADER: Pardon me for asking, sir, but what the hell are you talking about?
JAR JAR: Flying in daa and blowa da thing up! Wassa so difficult about thisse?!

VADER: This will be a day even longer remembered than that amazing day 20 years ago!

BEN'S VOICE: Let go, Luke.
Luke lets go of the controls. The X-Wing fighter accidentally flies straight towards the exhaust port.
VADER: The Force is strong with this one! He reminds me of myself. I sense something....strange...it's as if....No! It can not be!!

Han shoots the tie-fighters.
HAN: (yelling) Yippeee!

Luke accidentally hits the 'fire' button and a torpedo happens to fly into the exhaust port. The second Death Star is destroyed by sheer luck! No wait! It was the Force!!

JAR JAR and several other dignitaries sit on the left of Princess Leia. Leia is dressed in a long white dress and is staggeringly beautiful. Jar Jar rises to hand Leia some gold medallions, but he trips and falls and knocks over a bunch of guys. Everybody laughs. Leia takes the medallions and places them around the hero's necks. They turn and face the assembled troops, who all start to dance and sing a victory song before them. Chewbacca growls and Artoo beeps with happiness. Jar Jar jumps up and down.
JAR JAR: Wesa won!!!

[Chris OFarrell]

STAR WARS, EPISODE 5.3.0.1beta: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK EVEN HARDER

BEN: Luke...Luke.
LUKE: (weakly) Ben?
BEN: You will go to the Naboo system.
LUKE: Naboo system?
BEN: There you will find the planet Dagobah, once known as Naboo, before it was transformed twenty years ago, by Count Dooku's Transformation Ray. There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed Dooku, who instructed Qui-gon, who instructed me.

VADER: General, alert your troops to prepare for a surface attack.
VEERS: My lord, is that...legal?
VADER: I will make it legal.

As Luke moves along the nose, Artoo loses his balance and disappears with a splash into the boggy lake.
LUKE: Artoo?
Luke kneels and leans over the plane looking for Artoo, but the water is still and reveals no sign of the little droid.
LUKE: Artoo! Where are you?
Suddenly, Artoo flies out of the water using his rockets!! He safely lands on the shore.

HAN: You could be a little nicer, though. Come on, admit it. Sometimes you think I'm all right.
LEIA: Occasionally...if only you acted a little creepier, like a stalker, and quoted bad poems.
HAN: Creepier? Why would you want that?
LEIA: I can't explain it, I think it runs in the family.
HAN: Leia, from the moment I met you, i've been totally confused. I can't think straight and I feel funny. I wish I could just wish these wishes away, but I can't make that wish come true.
LEIA: I always wanted to start a family, with kids and stuff, but I've been to busy with politics and shooting Imperials. I wish I could take you to meet my parents, but they were blown up. Now let me change into something sexier, then I'll turn you down. Because I'm a princess and you're a nobody. If you follow your thoughts through to conclusion you will see that this is taking us to a place we cannot go!
HAN: That's because the hyperdrive isn't working, darling.

VADER: He's just a boy. Obi-Wan can no longer help him. Of course, we know Yoda is still out there somewhere!
EMPEROR: The Force is strong with him. The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi.
VADER: Why not? We killed thousands of Jedi, and a lot of them had had a lifetime of training. Sending some droids after him would do the trick. Of course, if he could be turned, he would become a powerful ally.
EMPEROR: Yes. Yes. He would be a great asset. Of course, you would have to die, because the Rule Of Two demands that there can only be two Sith. Can it be done?
VADER: He will join us or die, my master. And if he joins us, I will gladly give my life so you can have a brand new apprentice and the Rule Of Two is not broken.

BEN'S VOICE: He will learn patience.
YODA: Hmmm. Much anger in him, like his father.
BEN'S VOICE: Was I any different when you taught me?
YODA: Taught you? Remember that I do not. And different you were, yes!
LUKE: Yoda! I am ready. I...Ben! I can be a Jedi. Ben, tell him I'm ready.
YODA: Ready, are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I trained little Jedi younglings. My own counsel will I keep on who is to be trained, now that the rest of the Counsil is dead! A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind, except when he's fighting with a lightsaber. Jump and twirl around, he should then.

YODA: You are reckless!
BEN'S VOICE: So was I, if you'll remember.
YODA: No I don't! He is too old. Yes, twenty plus years too old to begin the training. What were you thinking Obi-Wan? Should have brought him here right after he was born!!

LUKE: I won't fail you - I'm not afraid.
YODA: Good, a first step that is. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to suffering.

LUKE: Is the dark side stronger?
YODA: Yes. Lucas says so on the DVD.

YODA: Your weapons...you will need your lasersword. Grab it with the Force, then yell, jump, flip and bounce and slash! Help you, it will not. Entertaining, it will be.

The group standing before Vader is a bizarre array of galactic fortune hunters. Bossk, Zuckuss, Dengar, IG-88, 4-LOM, Boba Fett, Aura Sing, and Zam Wessel's daugther Pooja.
The camera zooms in on Pooja. The pretty young woman shapeshifts into an ugly alien. This is cool.

LUKE: All right, I'll give it a try.
YODA: No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try. After this test, try to find a missing planet on a starmap, we will.

YODA: For my ally is the Force. And a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Beings of flesh and blood we are, with midichlorians in our cells telling us the will of the Force. You must feel the midichlorians inside you.

VADER: You need to go home and rethink your direction in life, Captain Needa.
Capain Needo walks off the bridge, somewhat confused.

The Imperials have lost the Millenium Falcon.
VADER: Perhaps I can use my Sith powers to track their ship, even if they send no transmission that could be traced at all. It worked for that other Sith all those years ago.

HAN: Lando's not a system, he's a man. Lando Calrissian. He's the son of captain Panaka, a hero of the old Naboo-Trade Federation crisis. You'd like him.

YODA: It is the future you see.
LUKE: Future? Will they die?
Yoda closes his eyes and lowers his head.
YODA: Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future. Either that or the Dark Side clouds everything and diminishes our ability to use the Force, so this trick is pretty useless.

YODA: Stopped they must be. On this all depends. Only a fully trained Jedi Knight with the Force as his ally will conquer Vader and his Emperor... Hmmm, strange then, that thousands of much better trained Jedi could not defeat them...Something wrong, we must have done.

BEN: That boy is our last hope.
YODA: No. I cloned another.

LEIA: I can't explain it, but from the moment we met, I've been dying a little bit each day. HAN: What the hell are you talking about?
LEIA: I truly, deeply love you.
HAN: Oh. I knew that.

VADER: Your midichlorian count is high, young Skywalker. But you are not a Jedi yet.

Darth Vader has cut off Luke's hand and has revealed his true identity.
VADER: Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son, in accordance to the Rule Of Two.
YODA (Of Screen): Vader!
VADER: Yoda. You have interfered with our plans for the last time.
Vader forgets about Luke and uses the Force to send all kinds of stuff flying towards Yoda. Vader shoots lightning from his hands! Yoda deflects it, than absorbs it for a super Force-boost!
VADER: I see we cannot settle this with our abilities with the Force, we'll have to use laserswords.
YODA: At last, I will kick ass once more.
Yoda whips out his lasersword, ignites it, yells, and jumps towards Vader, who also flips. Yoda twirls and bounces around Vader, barely hitting Vader's saber with his own. After about 30 seconds, the fighting stops.
YODA: Fought well, you have, Obi-Wan's old Padawan.
VADER: This is only the beginning...
Vader jumps at Luke and takes him with him - falling down a bottomless shaft!! They both scream a surprisingly familiar scream! While falling, Luke manages to struggle free from Vader's grip, and falls down on his own.
Vader is sucked into another shaft. There he activates his boot-rocketboosters to break his fall and land on a ledge. Luke continues to fall...suddenly Yoda comes flying next to him and grabs him!!! Yoda has wings!!! They safely land on some ledge and walk through some door. Yoda folds up his wings and puts his clothes back on. The folded up wings look like a hunchback!
LUKE: Yoda, is Vader my father?
YODA: From a certain point of view...

VADER: Alert my shuttle to prepare for my arrival.
OFFICER: huh?
VADER: (sighs) Bring my shuttle...
OFFICER: With pleasure, my lord!
Vader walks to his shuttle.
VADER: Alert my stardestroyer to prepare for my arrival.
Vader flies to his stardestroyer in his shuttle.
VADER: Alert the stardestroyer's hangar to prepare for my arrival.
Vader lands in the hangar and exits the shuttle, then inspects the troops that have lined up for him to celebrate his return, after they had been alerted to prepare for his arrival.
After the ceremony, Vader adresses an officer.
VADER: Alert the turbolift to prepare for my arrival.
Vader enters the alerted turbolift. Vader rides the turbolift.
VADER: Alert the bridge to prepare for my arrival.
Vader exits the elevator and walks onto the alerted bridge. He spots admiral Piett at the other side of the bridge. He turns to an officer.
VADER: Alert admiral Piett to prepare for my arrival.
The officer runs to the admiral and alerts Piett to prepare for Vader's arrival. Vader approaches the alerted admiral.
PIETT: I've alerted our tractor beam crew to prepare for the Millenium Falcon's arrival, my lord.
VADER: Did your men cause the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon to leak?
PIETT: Yes, my lord.
VADER: Good. Alert the boarding party to prepare for the arrival of the Millenium Falcon.

[Chris OFarrell]

STAR WARS, EPISODE 6.5.0.3 alpha: ONCE MORE THE JEDI RETURN

OFFICER: Alert the commander to prepare for the arrival of Lord Vader's shuttle.

Threepio and Artoo have arrived in Jabba's palace. Obviously, the palace and throne room have been redone with CG. The crappy small set is now turned into a grand and splendid place, to fit with Jabba's status as the leader of an entire planet.
A musical ensemble and pretty dancers lighten the place up. The attractive female lead singer (played by Kate Capshaw) descends from some stairs and starts singing. The aliens in the palace (including several E.T.'s) love it.

Artoo has just played Luke's hologram where Luke wants to bargain for Han Solo's freedom.
JABBA (in Huttese, subtitled): Oh, yeah. Han... he's not mine no more. I sold her. Years ago. You know, business is business. Sold him to an old and ugly moisture farmer. Believe it or not, I heard he freed him and married him. Can ya beat that?
THREEPIO: A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one.

Artoo and Threepio find themselves on Jabba's sailbarge. They have to escape.
THREEPIO: Artoo, where are we going? I couldn't possibly jump.
He doesn't have to. Artoo uses his rocketboosters to take off! Threepio hangs on to Artoo and together they fly away to safety!

EMPEROR: You have done well, Lord Vader. And now I sense you wish to continue your search for young Skywalker.
VADER: Yes, my Master.
EMPEROR: Patience, my friend. In time he will seek you out. And when he does, you must bring him before me. He has grown strong. Only together can we turn him to the dark side of the Force, and when that has happened, you will have to die. Because you know there is that Rule Of Two that states that there can only be two Sith at a time.
VADER: As you wish.
EMPEROR: Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen, from a certain point of view.

YODA: Sick have I become. Old and weak. When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not. Hmm? On the other hand, when eight hundred and seventy years old you reach, jump around with a lightsaber you can, hihihi!

LUKE: I've come back to complete the training.
YODA: No more training do you require. Already know you that which you need.
LUKE: Then I am a Jedi?
YODA: Ohhh. Not yet. Spend ten to twenty years in training and go through some kind of trials, you need to for that! But in this special case, an exception I'll make. Vader. You must confront Vader. Then, only then, a Jedi will you be. And confront him you will.
LUKE: Can't I just do some of those trials?
YODA: Nope.
LUKE: Master Yoda... is Darth Vader my father?
YODA: Your father he is, from a certain point of view. Remember, a Jedi's strength flows from the Midichlorians. But beware. Anger, fear, aggression, love, marriage, sex, arrogance, impatience, whining, crap dialogue, red lightsabers, dark clothes, evil plotting...The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.
Pass on what you have learned. To identify someone with Jedi potential, just take a bloodsample with a comlink, then transmit it through the air to a ship for a midichlorian test you must. Almost any ship has midichlorian test equipment on board, so a problem, that should be not.

BEN: Your father was forced by circumstances to join the Sith at the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I have told you was true... from a certain point of view.
LUKE: A certain point of view! What certain point of view would that be?
BEN: The point of view from a lying bastard. Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view, and if we regard the prequels as a true part of the Saga or not.

BEN: I don't blame you for being angry. If I was wrong in what I did, it certainly wouldn't have been for the first time. You see, what happened to your father was partly my fault. Also very much to blaim were the other Jedi, especially Yoda and Mace Windu and Qui-Gon Jinn.
Anakin wasn't much of a friend. In fact, he was a pain in the butt.
When I first barely knew him as a nine year old, your father was already a fairly good podrace-pilot. But I was amazed how high his midichlorian count was. My dying master, Qui-gon Jinn, believed he was the Chosen One from some ancient prophecy, the One who could bring balance to the Force. Nonsense of course. There are loads of people who can fly fast and avoid obstacles. What was Qui-Gon thinking?! What was I thinking?! Qui-gon was a lying, cheating, stealing, overaged hippy! Anyway, Qui-Gon begged me to train him as a Jedi. Instead of letting some experienced master train him, the Jedi counsil agreed that I could train him, right after they had promoted me to Knighthood. Later I realised that it was a mistake, that Anakin was too reckless, too arrogant and too pre-occupied with pretty girls. But Yoda and Mace Windu said everything was ok. Even after it was clear that he was more concerned with the faith of some stupid bitch who fell out of a gunship, we didn't really think there was anything wrong. Our stupidity has had terrible consequences for those parts of the galaxy where the Empire has a presence.
LUKE: There's still good in him.
BEN: I never thought that.

LUKE: Yoda spoke of another.
BEN: The other he spoke of is your twin sister.
LUKE: But I have no sister.
BEN: When I say twin sister, I mean that from a certain point of view. She's a female clone of Anakin, just like you are a clone of Anakin, so she is your female self. The Emperor knew, as I did, if Anakin were to have any offspring, they would be a threat to him. He didn't have any offspring, so I used his DNA to clone him.
LUKE: So I look just like my father?
BEN: No, to conceal your identity I mixed the DNA with that which was readily available in the clone center on Kamino. You're also a bit Jango Fett.
LUKE: Fett? Boba Fett! Boba is my brother! But he got killed!
BEN: Search your feelings Luke.
LUKE: Wait! He fell into the Sarlacc, where he will be slowely digested. He may still be alive! I can save him! Perhaps, with his resourcefulness, he has already escaped himself!
BEN: Your insight serves you well. Bury your feelings deep down, Luke. They do you credit. But they could be made to serve the Emperor. By the way, Leia is your clone-sister, and every stormtrooper in the entire galaxy is your half-brother, from a certain point of view. Oh, and the Emperor is your grandfather, from a certain point of view, because he cloned himself and injected the foetus into some slave-woman. You didn't really believe that whole virgin birth nonsense, did you?
LUKE: Virgin birth?
BEN: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. Never mind. Anyway, I took you to Anakin's halfbrother Owen on Tatooine, who I found out later was actually also my real brother, and Leia was brought to Alderaan by your mother's decoy to be raised by some character played by Jimmy Smits.
Of course, everybody believes the decoy mother died when Alderaan was destroyed, but through the Force we can see...
LUKE: Mon Mothma! Mothma is my mother's decoy!
BEN: Very good Luke. She escaped in a cloaked Nubian starship and continued to lead the rebellion.
LUKE: What about my real mother?
BEN: You don't have a mother, remember? You were cloned!
LUKE: Then who was my father in love with?
BEN: Some stupid bitch of a tease named Queen Senator Padmé Amidala Naberrie Skywalker. Or at least, she called herself Padmé. She wasn't really Padmé at all, she was a decoy handmaiden that took her place after the real Padmé was killed when her starship got blown up when it arrived on Coruscant one terrible day...
LUKE: Any more surprises?
BEN: Yes, I lied when I said I didn't recognise your droids. You see, C-3PO was created by Anakin and R2-D2 joined us on several adventures. They were good friends...
LUKE: I'm afraid to ask, but...Han, Chewie and Lando?
BEN: Lando is the son of Captain Panaka, who was also a friend. Han is Ric Olie's son, who was also a friend, and Chewie used to be the Emperor's pet who escaped with my help. Luke, you must face Vader again!!!
LUKE: I can't.
BEN: Forget about Yoda's teachings. Unlearn what you have learned. Yoda taught thousands of Jedi and they all got whiped out. One of his padawans, Dooku, turned toward the Dark side at a later age and Yoda himself, the greatest Jedi Master of us all, was unable to stop the Emperor and Dooku. Even after centuries of study and meditation he still jumped around like a complete idiot, he never learnt to speak proper english and he was always stating the obvious! And now he actually believed your training was complete after some weak speed-course. Let's face it, you're screwed. Only your faith in the midichlorians can save the galaxy! Let the midi's talk to you Luke! It is our only hope!!!!
LUKE: I'm so confused...

A CG admiral Ackbar explains the attack plans in a CG briefing room in front of a largely CG audiance.
ACKBAR: We can destroy this third Death Star the same way everybody always destroys everything: We get to the reactor and blow it up with a single shot. General Jar Jar Binks will lead the attack.

Our heroes have made friends with the CG Ewoks, who jump all over the place and make silly noises. Threepio tells the Ewoks a summary of everthing that has happened in the entire saga..
THREEPIO (In Ewokese, subtitled): There were these Jedi-hippies, and this Trade Federation and some tax-dispuite, and some kid and pod-racers. There was some fighting with droids and then there were seperatists who wanted something and some more bad guys and there were Jedi fighting droids and I lost my head and then these two kids got married and then everything went to hell and then there were more battles with clones and stuff got blown up and then this guy was frozen in carbonite and oh yeah, there were lightsaber fights every now and then and people died and now we are here to kill some more bad guys and blow stuff up.
Chief Chirpa (That's the Ewok leader, as if you didn't know) gets up.
CHIEF CHIRPA: (in Ewokese, subtitled): Wow, that was deep!

LUKE: Leia... do you remember your mother? Your real mother?
LEIA: Just a little bit. She died when I was 1 day old.
LUKE: What do you remember?
LEIA: Just...images, really. Feelings.
LUKE: Tell me.
LEIA: She was very beautiful. Kind, but...sad. Had a long neck and long legs. She was white with big eyes. Strange, now that I think about it. Why are you asking me all this?
LUKE: She was a cloner from Kamino. Yes Leia, you and I are clone-twins. The emperor is our template. We are his clones, just like Anakin Skywalker, also known as Darth Vader, is his clone. Boba Fett and the stormtroopers are our half-brothers.
LEIA: I know. Somehow...I've always known. I knew I should have believed those spoilers, but they seemed too crappy to be true!

LUKE: I will not turn...and you'll be forced to kill me.
VADER: Fine with me. The Rule Of Two will not be broken. That will mean I get to live. Yippeee!!

The Emperor is shooting lightning at Luke!
EMPEROR: Young fool, throwing your lightsaber away...only now, at the end, do you understand.
LUKE: Ben! Why didn't you tell me you could block Sith Lightning with a lightsaber?!

VADER: Luke, help me take this mask off.
LURE: But you'll die.
VADER: Nothing can stop that now. Just for once...let me look on you with my own eyes.
Luke removes Vader's mask. He sees the face...it is COUNT DOOKU!!
LUKE: What?!
VADER/DOOKU: I was once the Emperor's apprentice, but he wanted me killed and have Anakin take my place. So I killed Anakin, put on this suit and mask and pretended to be him. I couldn't tell anyone before, sorry. Tell Yoda, that he was wrong about me. I was only... mis... under... stood....
Dooku dies.
LUKE: I've had it with this Jedi crap. I'm gonna find me a pretty little babe to hook up with and start a moisture farm on Malastare. I just hope I won't run into any Gundarks or power couplings.

The good guys have won. They're celebrating. Luke moves away and sees the ghostly figures of Ben, Yoda and...Anakin Skywalker... and Mace Windu, Plo Koon, Ki Adi Mundi, Yaddle, Aayla Secura and thousands of other (CG) Jedi!
THE END.

Repost from Spacebattles thread by Duaney who got it from somewhere on TF.net.

[DeadM]

VADER: Alert my shuttle to prepare for my arrival.
OFFICER: huh?
VADER: (sighs) Bring my shuttle...
OFFICER: With pleasure, my lord!
Vader walks to his shuttle.
VADER: Alert my stardestroyer to prepare for my arrival.
Vader flies to his stardestroyer in his shuttle.
VADER: Alert the stardestroyer's hangar to prepare for my arrival.
Vader lands in the hangar and exits the shuttle, then inspects the troops that have lined up for him to celebrate his return, after they had been alerted to prepare for his arrival.
After the ceremony, Vader adresses an officer.
VADER: Alert the turbolift to prepare for my arrival.
Vader enters the alerted turbolift. Vader rides the turbolift.
VADER: Alert the bridge to prepare for my arrival.
Vader exits the elevator and walks onto the alerted bridge. He spots admiral Piett at the other side of the bridge. He turns to an officer.
VADER: Alert admiral Piett to prepare for my arrival.
The officer runs to the admiral and alerts Piett to prepare for Vader's arrival. Vader approaches the alerted admiral.
PIETT: I've alerted our tractor beam crew to prepare for the Millenium Falcon's arrival, my lord.
VADER: Did your men cause the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon to leak?
PIETT: Yes, my lord.
VADER: Good. Alert the boarding party to prepare for the arrival of the Millenium Falcon.

[Howedar]

Outstanding stuff. Laughed myself silly.

[FaxModem1]

loved it, the whole thing made me giggle

[Vympel]

Meh.

[Peregrin Toker]

LUKE: Leia... do you remember your mother? Your real mother?
LEIA: Just a little bit. She died when I was 1 day old.
LUKE: What do you remember?
LEIA: Just...images, really. Feelings.
LUKE: Tell me.
LEIA: She was very beautiful. Kind, but...sad. Had a long neck and long legs. She was white with big eyes. Strange, now that I think about it. Why are you asking me all this?
LUKE: She was a cloner from Kamino. Yes Leia, you and I are clone-twins. The emperor is our template. We are his clones, just like Anakin Skywalker, also known as Darth Vader, is his clone. Boba Fett and the stormtroopers are our half-brothers.

Star Wars, Raëlian Style!

[Sea Skimmer]

Some of its pretty funny, some is just stupid

[Gandalf]

Heh, not bad.

[Boba Fett]

Sarcastic...not bad at all.