StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Just for fun, let's imagine that George Lucas has decided to do all he can to kill the EU, and decides to go about this by commissioning his writers to come up with the most stupid stuff possible--even more so than usual. So, let's try and brainstorm what hilarious idiocy would arise from this! Here's some ideas:

The Obesity of Princess Leia: After Han Solo drunkedly flies the Millennium Falcon into a cliff, Princess Leia goes on a binge of stuffing her face with chocolate. Unfortunately, it transpires that the chocolates are actually interdimensional beings infused by a third aspect of the Force, the Cocoa Side, and hence the rest of the novel is hundreds of pages of Leia going on a bizarre acid trip. It also transpires that there are four sides to the galactic conflict: Jedi, Sith, Mand0z, and Toydarians, who have been building giant superweapons in the shape of their heads.

Jar Jar's Fart Adventures: In this novel series aimed at mentally handicapped two-year olds, Jar Jar sets about creating 'the ultimate smelly', touring the galaxy to have farting contests with everyone from Jawas, the Rancor, Bea Arthur, and even the Emperor himself. In the epilogue of the final book, Lucas explains why he considers this to be his greatest legacy and then explains in great detail why the Enterprise-D would, in fact, whup a Star Destroyer instantly.

The Prequels.

Thanas wrote:The Prequels.

Much as I hate the prequels, 'The Crystal Star' and the JAT outstupid them six ways from sunday.

A videogame is made, the plot of which revolves around Super-Jedi wielding saber-chucks that attempt to destroy the anthropomorphic representation of the Dark Side, Mega Darth Black Hole. His main plan is to time travel and gather all of the evilest people in the universe (except for Thrawn, because he has too much class), and form a team called the Darths. The heroes will counter this by going to both the past

and

future, and the entire thing will come down to a poorly designed battle.

However, Lucas will hire Uwe Boll to make a movie out of it. When the deal falls through due to no one wanting to be in, or see, a Uwe Boll film. A book will instead be written based off the script by Kevin J. Anderson and Phillip Jones (or the worst author you can think of in his place).

Talhe wrote:A book will instead be written based off the script by Kevin J. Anderson and Phillip Jones (or the worst author you can think of in his place).

To complete the circle then, instead we bring back the mind-searing duo of Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson, fresh from the abyss of absolute stupidity that were the Dune prequels, to write a Star Wars novel. Approximately 22 seconds after finishing the writing of said novel the entire world is swallowed by a new supermassive Black Hole caused by its sheer suckiness.

#1
STAR WARS EPISODE VII - RISE OF THE MOUSE DROID
The mouse droid from ANH falls to the dark side and starts calling himself Darth Mighty Killafuckus. He's joined by the Gonk and Max Rebo's evil twin sister. Together they start a reign of terror that engulfs the whole galaxy by building the sun-size Super Mega Ultra Death Star who's like the original Death Star only bigger and SUPER ULTRA MEGA! Then they lure Luke over to the Dark Side by promising him to bring back Biggs and Porkins who it turns out have been Luke's real parents all along. Luke is also a vampire.

#2
STAR WARS EPISODE A - ATTACK OF THE CLOONES
Palpaatine, a clone of Palpatine and Palpaaatine, a female clone of Palpaatine attack the New Republic with two ancient Sith Mechas that can transform into giant police boxes and salt shakers. The Republic immediately surrenders because it can't fight mecha awesomeness of such magnitude. They're opposed by Yooda, a clone of Yoda and Qui Goon Jin, a clone of Bib Fortuna who pilot ancient Jedi mechas that can transform into the Ultra Dimension Fortress Macross.
Luke also turns out to be a vampire.

#3
STAR WARS EPISODE YMCA - BREAKING DOOM
Leia discovers her undying love for Luke, who is a vampire. Han finds out and beats up Leia with his belt-buckle, but fortunately, Luke can crush him into little pieces with the VAMPIRE FORCE! Leia and Luke together than have ranchous sex on the front porch and generate many many vampire children who don't sparkle and visit the Hog'warts academy for vampire children with VAMPIRE FORCE!

#4 STAR WARS EPISODE FEN'FICC - THE GLORY OF TRAVISSIAN
Karendo Travissian is a poor, misunderstood author of science fiction novels. He's constantly harassed for his portrayal of the fictional species Mari'soo but one day, they come to life and kill everyone of his detractors. Especially the Jedi, who suck to the last man and wanted to subject the galaxy to their eternal empire of child-molestation, human sacrifice and Force assissted Loitering. Karendo then immediately kills Luke, who is a vampire and as evil as three Palpatines (and Palpaatines and Palpaaatines) and becomes a honorary Mari'soo.

Force Unleashed series

hey i actually liked force unleashed; yeah it was wanky but some of the ideas were quite good. not to mention that gameplay kicks ass

I like punctuation. Do you need some?

How about some grimdark edginess? In SW7 it turns out that the jedi are basically nazis, that they run the government, people have no rights and can't even leave their planet, the military is allowed to atrophy because it threatens them, and the heroic regional governors must fight to raise taxes enough to free their people from the federal government.

Or Robocop Star Wars.

Stark wrote:I like punctuation. Do you need some?

Hey, other than that last sentence Darth Yan did use punctuation (if not necessarily correctly). You want to chastise him, do so about his failure to use proper capitalization

An EU version of Portal. Just swap Vader to some random Moff, change the ships, ranks etc to match EU timeline. Now create some new characters which are basically a fascimile of Star Trek TNG. Follow the plot of Portal and watch the hilarity ensure.

Do I win now?

Excerpt

"This is Captain Jean Claude Van Ricardo of the Starship Undertaking. We appear to have intruded into your space via a subspace inverse tachyon field anomaly."

"Sir. The ship is known as a Star Destroyer. It apparently belongs to a civilisation called the Empire, which is in turn part of the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances." The speaker was a pale looking humanoid named Info. "Their computer security is primitive and I was able to download information from their database. I am uploading some information about their political and military structure including status of their fleet to your computer now."

"Capabilities?"

"They use several hypermatter reactors to power their ship."

"Hypermatter power sources are out of date by centuries." It was first officer Bill Spruiker who spoke.

"Commander Spruiker is undoubtedly correct sir."

"They are powering up their weapons." It was Mr Wharf the ship's Clington officer. "Shields holding, no damage to the Undertaking."

"Analyse their weapon."

"It appears to be a bolt of plasmer with an invisible laser component." Info's hands were moving faster than a human, or a Jedi senses could take in.

"Lasers. Lasers won't even penetrate our navigational shields." It was the first officer who spoke.

The Undertaking stood there as the alien ship unleashed more turbolaser blasts. Weapons enough to turn a planet's surface into slag were rendered harmless by the Undertaking's shields.

"Return fire," Ricardo ordered.

"I suggest we use fazers only. A type V meson torpedo would likely vapourise their ship."

Ricardo gave a short nod to Wharf. "Make it so."

Suddenly the Undertaking fired a short burst of purple light. Upon contact with the Star Destroyer something unexpected happen. The ship suddenly exploded.

"What happened."

"It appears to be an unforseen consequence between the reaction from the fazer and the ships hypermatter power source. It started a chain reaction causing the ship to explode." It was the android Info who spoke.

"More Star Destroyers are on their way," Wharf reported.

"Signal Space Fleet. We need more ships. Tell them a first contact situation with has gone wrong and that these aliens are aggressive. I recommend we bring in at least the 5th and 6th fleet to show them we mean business."

To be Continued bwa wa ha ha ha