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Hi, everyone. This is the first post from an on-and-off lurker.

I've been working on a treatment for an alternate prequel trilogy. Yes I know, totally groundbreaking and original, right?

Here's how it goes...

Episode I: A New Knight takes place in 30 BBY as the Clone War rages across the galaxy. Facing the possibility of collapse, the Republic calls upon the clan of Force-users known as the Jedi Knights for military and diplomatic aid against the Clone armies of Greater Mandalore.

A graying, 45-year-old spice freighter captain named Ben Cortel picks up a mysterious cloaked passenger calling herself Nellith. She offers a substantial sum of credits to transport a clandestine shipment of cargo to an uncharted star system in the Outer Rim.

It turns out that Nellith belongs to a Jedi order known as the Jedi Sentinels, warrior-sages charged with preserving the ancient Holocrons. Nellith's Holocron is sought after for the forbidden power contained within.

But along her journey she must contend with Clones trying to seize the Holocron from her, the arrival of a fresh-faced young Jedi Knight named Anakin Skywalker, and the possibility that one among the Jedi order has turned to the Dark Side of the Force...


I'll post the opening crawl and the first few bits of the treatment soon.

Well, so far you've followed the correct steps for implementing any (non-crappy) Prequel trilogy:

(1) Anakin must be at least 16 years old
(2) The Clones are the bad guys
(3) Not all characters are Jedi

Make sure you also follow these steps:

(4) Anakin and Obi-Wan actually have a friendly sense of camaraderie
(5) Anakin's fall to the dark side is subtle and linear
(6) Anakin is not an asshole to begin with

But I don't like shit like Holocrons. That feels like too much EU and not enough OT.

Why must the clones be the bad guys?

Esquire wrote:Why must the clones be the bad guys?

And weren't they pretty much the bad guys at the end anyway?

STAR WARS EPISODE I: A NEW KNIGHT

The CLONE WAR rages across the galaxy, threatening the future of the GALACTIC REPUBLIC.

In this time of distress, the High Chancellor of the Republic ANTIOR has requested assistance from the JEDI, a circle of sages and warriors who wield the mysterious magic known as THE FORCE.

A humble freighter captain named BEN CORTEL has taken on a Jedi passenger, NELLITH LARS, not yet aware that her mission could change the fate of the entire galaxy...

The characters below form the movie's "power trio" (like Luke, Leia, and Han in ANH):

Nellith Lars: the pre-eminent member of the Jedi Sentinels, a Jedi order charged with the compilation and guarding of Holocrons. She guards a powerful secret that she will defend to the death against the wrath of the Clones.

Ben Cortel: an aged navigator on a spice freighter. Ben holds a skeptical, sardonic attitude, no doubt because of multiple run-ins with the law. Due to his experiences in the seedier parts of the galaxy, he holds no special stake in the conflict wracking the Republic...but fate will intertwine his destiny with that of the galaxy's.

Anakin Skywalker: a teenage runaway from the urban planet Taris. Anakin grew up under an abusive father named Logan Skywalker. Young Anakin ran away from home at the age of 15 when his father took Mother Skywalker's life. Anakin has spent the last four years in Taris' underground swoop racer scene, quickly rising to become a capable pilot (racing under the stage name of "Anakin Redblade") and a sly fighter. Anakin's fate, however, will not keep him on Taris forever...

The film begins with a gunship descending upon Taris. Inside, a squad of Mandalorian Clone warriors checks their weapons and performs other military pre-battle drills.

Skip to a seedy cantina on Taris. Nellith Lars walks in with a bag slung over her shoulder. The object inside has a pyramidal outline and illicits reactions of curiosity from the other patrons. The big holo-screen above the bar shows highlights from the latest swoop race. Several Rodians are seated in front of the display, taking occasional swigs of hard liquor. They let out cries of either joy or dismay (it was difficult to tell) at the result: the winner for the third race in a row was Anakin Redblade.

Nellith looks around the bar to find a star pilot she can pay to take her to the Temple of Ossus, the Jedi headquarters located in an uncharted star system on the far reaches of the Outer Rim.

She finds the captain that the other Jedi have used for this purpose: a spirit-sipping washed-out bag of bones named Ben Cortel. Other Jedi have utilized his services in the Clone War and have taken care to wipe his memory with their Jedi powers. This was done to preserve the secrecy of the Temple's location. Such secrecy was necessary in a time of war.

Nellith sits next to Ben, positioning the bag on her lap after doing so. Their balcony seats overlook Taris' vast cityscape. Civilian airspeeders are accompanied by Republic military fighters, no doubt to dissuade any would-be informants or allies of Mandalorian Clone insurrectionists.

Ben regards the Jedi with a faint look of recognition. Deja vu. He inquires as to her business.

"Let's just say I have to meet a contact in the Outer Rim. I'd like to avoid any Clone entanglements."

He sets down his drink. "I'm listening. You're not Republic military, are you?"

"Not precisely."

"Good. I'm not a fan of those boys. What are you paying? Because if you show me enough credits, this job becomes a bantha of a different color."

"Five thousand up front, the other fifteen when we arrive at the destination."

Ben offers a wry smile. "You're certainly a lady of means. What are you? Some royalty? Connected to the Hutts?"

"Let's keep our backgrounds out of the discussion."

She waves her hand slightly. Ben's mind subtly re-arranges to suit her will. Not as much as she had hoped.

The old man's mind is stronger than Obi-Wan had told her. The Jedi will have to find another pilot soon. Ben does not realize it, but his mind is building up a resistance to Jedi mind tricks. Nellith realizes that her powers are not sufficient to wipe Ben's mind clean. She would have to get Master Palpatine to do it upon their arrival at Ossus.

Nellith and Ben pile into the man's freighter, a modified Action VI transport named The Wandering Hawk.

Most Action VI-class ships need to be staffed with several hundred crew members to operate at maximum efficiency, but Ben's technical prowess has enabled him to construct a shipboard AI named UD-1 (or "Yoodie" for short) to run directly under Ben's control and manage all of the vessel's subsystems. Ben has imprinted a rudimentary personality into Yoodie, based off of a charmingly aloof friend from his childhood.

Yoodie is unable to provide an answer when Ben inquires as to why portions of his data banks are missing without a trace. The previous Jedi who used Ben for transit back to or from the Temple of Ossus didn't do the neatest job of wiping out the AI's memory.

Nellith thinks that the previous Jedi was probably Obi-Wan. He was always better at manipulating organic beings' minds using the Force than he was at hacking into computers.

The chronometer log on Yoodie's last memory wipe is from just over a week ago. A short time ago on a moon not very far, far away. It had to have been Obi-Wan.

Nellith wonders what kind of mission the old man was undertaking that required the use of Ben's services. It probably did not involve fighting any Clones, as both the interior and the exterior of The Wandering Hawk are free of any blemishes or blaster impact marks. More likely a peacekeeping mission to convince the leader of a disputed world to continue supporting the Republic war effort. That kind of thing is Obi-Wan's forté.

Ben dials the route to Nellith's intended destination into Yoodie's navprocessor. The Jedi Sentinel secures her precious cargo in one of the Hawk's freight compartments. The ship's course is a path drawn from Taris to Ossus via the Old Corellian Run, a hyperlane threading through the Arkanis sector. The Run was once a bustling artery of commerce, but that was over a thousand years ago. Now it is mostly a way for the Hutts and other unsavory types to travel to the Outer Rim Territories unnoticed by the law.

The rear cargo door is the last part of the ship to retract before take-off. The landing legs slide inward toward the freighter's underside as powerful repulsorlift engines carry the Hawk out of its gantry.

In an abandoned industrial complex within view of the Hawk, the Mandalorian Clone squad has set up a bivouac around their landed gunship. Automated blaster turrets complement their patrols to guard against Republic guardsmen and, even worse, the rakghouls.

The squad sergeant, Demorre Kro, receives a holo-message from a mysterious figure. It appears to be a tall Human in his thirties wearing a cloak to conceal his face.

"At ease, Sergeant Kro. Has the Jedi left Taris?" he asks.

"They are lifting off as we speak, sir. Shall we engage?"

"Only at my command. When I issue the order, you and your men are to eliminate everyone on that ship and bring me the artifact. The Mandalorian commanders will be most pleased to seize what the Jedi woman has brought onto that ship. Over and out." The hologram disappears in a flicker of blue light.

Kro turns to his men. One of them, Dagor Fett, peers at the setting star while perched on an eroded sculpture of a katarn.

They all look the same. They all have the same DNA. They are all brothers. Blood brothers. Fighting for the glory of Mandalore.

"We've got a job to do, boys," Kro says before he dons his war helm.

The Hawk comes out of hyperspace in the Arkanis sector. Yoodie pulls the ship into realspace to avoid collision with the high-energy particles of the D'Anjon Nebula. That would have ended the trip real quick.

The Nebula provides a colorful background. The enormous green ribbons of plasma illuminate the interior of the Hawk where viewports are present.

To pass the time, Ben and Nellith play a round of Sabacc in the ship's common room. The Jedi notices a curious phenomenon: a Force presence that she did not detect in the cantina on Taris. Could it be that the old man was a Force-sensitive all along?

Nellith probes this question during their Sabacc game by attuning her Force senses to Ben's mind. She searches for tell-tale signs of precognition, such as ending a round with an impossibly good hand of cards. The Sentinel detects no such signs from the old spice pilot, though this only increases her curiosity.

Nellith and Ben are having a jovial time. The old man has a way with words that runs contrary to his weary-looking exterior. He has spent years in space because he has the spirit of a true pilot. A pilot who never truly lands.

The passage of the Hawk through the D'Anjon Nebula is interrupted by a holo-scanner reading in the cockpit. Yoodie alerts Ben over the ship's comm system. The vessel fits the profile of an AEG-77 Vigo-class gunship. Ben and Nellith rush to the bridge.

The gunship fires its secondary ion thrusters to catch up to the Hawk.

Ben hails the gunship. "Vigo-class vessel, you are flying on a collision course. Please respond."

The gunship crew does not respond with any words. A seem opens up in the craft's durasteel hull, revealing a heavy ion cannon.

"Repeat, Vigo-class vessel, you are on a collision course with this ship. We require that you stand down." Ben flips off the comm switch. He turns to Nellith. "No way these guys are from the Republic."

"What makes you say that?" Nellith asks with an air of sarcasm.

"At least the Republic's nice enough to tell you why you're busted before they blow you away."

The gunship fires a half dozen bolts from its heavy ion cannon. Ben responds with surprising speed, urging Yoodie to redirect shields to counter the attack.

Five blue bolts of energy smash against the shield deployed by the Hawk, draining the shield generator's power supply. The last bolt scores a hit on the freighter's hull. The ship's silhouette is briefly surrounded by arcs of lightning.

Inside the Hawk, the two crew members are briefly submerged in pitch-black darkness. Then the auxiliary power kicks in, flooding the vessel's interior with flashing yellow emergency lights.

"Yoodie! Come in, Yoodie!" Ben hollers.

Yoodie has been rendered silent by the ion attack.

Ben turns to Nellith. "I hope you're good with a blaster, because it looks like we're about to be boarded." He whips out a pistol from his belt holster.

Nellith produces a silver lightsaber hilt. "I don't need a blaster."

The gunship matches speed with the Hawk. An extendable metallic tube reaches from the underside of the attack vessel to the roof of the freighter's hull. The end of the tube makes contact with the hardened durasteel of the Hawk's epidermis. Inside the Hawk, the sounds of metal slicing through metal can be heard from several compartments away.

In the cockpit, Ben says, "Sounds like they're coming in through cargo bay Echo."

"This is not just another bunch of pirates. They must be here for what I've brought with me," Nellith says.

"And where is that?"

"Cargo bay Gamma. That should buy us some time while they search for it."

Ben and Nellith rush out of the cockpit in tandem, weapons at the ready. Ben says, "If we make it out of this in one piece, you're going to tell me what's so kriffing important about that thing!"

Cargo bay Echo's ceiling springs a large circular hole after emitting many noisy sparks. A small section of the hull drops off and lands with a thud, followed by a rope. One by one, ten Clones drop down and scan the area with their blaster rifles. Dagor Fett and Demorre Kro are the last two to appear. The eight Clone Minors' eyes are covered by reflective holo-visors, their mouths obscured by enviro-sealed breathing masks. Fett and Kro, the two Clone Majors, wear enviro-sealed helmets, their bodies fully encased in combat armor.

Using the inter-helmet comm system connected to their cranial implants, Fett and Kro each allocate four Clone Minors for their escort. With unspeaking, machine-like efficiency, the ten Clones split into two groups to search for the artifact.

Ben and Nellith enter the cavernously-large cargo bay Delta. The ceiling is over twenty feet above their heads, racked with illuminator units and speaker ports for Yoodie. Cargo crates cover most of the walls. An old speeder bike rests in shambles in one corner, accompanied by a GNK utility droid pacing slowly around its wreck.

The "gonk" sound of the utility droid is cut short by a volley of blaster fire from Demorre Kro and his squad of Clone Minors. Ben takes cover behind a detached section of hull resting on the ground, then he returns fire. Nellith ignites her lightsaber. A golden blade extends above her head just in time to deflect a blaster bolt back to its origin. A Clone Minor falls after being hit with his own blaster bolt, his armor blemished by a smoldering impact mark.

A flurry of blaster bolts rains down upon Nellith and Ben's position. At least twice each are they nearly hit by the Clones' projectiles. Ben reaches out of cover with well-practiced dexterity, sending a bolt of energy directly through the torso of a Clone Minor. Nellith briefly runs along a wall in order to get into attack position on the remaining pair of Clone Minors. She disposes of them both with a wide swipe of her lightsaber. Two bodies hit the floor the moment she turns her head to focus on her next target, Demorre Kro.

Demorre Kro wields a pair of heavy blaster pistols. He fires a volley of shots at Nellith as she charges towards the Mandalorian. She weaves in and out of his firing cone and deflects his shots seemingly by reflex. When the Jedi reaches point blank range with her attacker, she cleaves both of his weapons in two with a swing of her golden blade. Sparks fly out the ends of Demorre's blasters, forcing him to deploy a vibro-sword from the scabbard on his back. He takes a swing at Nellith on the side opposite her lightsaber. She rolls aside to avoid the blow. Demorre gets ready to attack Nellith when suddenly a pair of blaster bolts impacts the Clone Major in the stomach. He falls over for good.

Some distance away, behind a few crates, Ben's blaster bears a smoking tip.

"That's quite a fancy laser sword, Nel. How much do you think the Hutts will pay for one of those?" he asks with a smile.

"There aren't enough credits in the entire galaxy," she replies.

The two fighters proceed to cargo bay Gamma.

Cargo bay Gamma extends cavernously outward from the group of Clones searching for Nellith's Holocron. A sharp tip of one of Dagor Fett's vibro-daggers lips out to either side of his silhouette with every step he takes. A Clone Minor is sifting through a pile of spare parts and small cubic containers. He finds a plain brown cloth bag, undoing the knot tied to secure the mouth of the bag. Peering in, he sees the precious cargo that is his duty to obtain.

The Clone Minor wraps the bag up again and slings it over his shoulder. He pauses when he hears movement in a pile of junk up ahead.

Hiding behind a large durasteel plate taken from the hull of a landspeeder, Anakin Skywalker sits crouched with one hand over his mouth and another hand clutching a fusion cutter. His ears are tightly focused on the nearest Clone.

"Come out with your hands up!" the Clone Minor yells, training his rifle on the storage alcove where he heard the noise.

Dagor Fett turns to the Clone Minor. "What the blast are you doing? Bring that over here, Clone. We weren't ordered to kill mynocks."

The Clone Minor takes a few steps backward with his weapon still at the ready.

Behind the plate, Anakin Skywalker's eyes are wide open. The young man's pulse is pounding. He is ready for anything. He tightens his grip on the fusion cutter.

The Minor turns to his squad leader and hands him the plain brown cloth bag. Dagor Fett opens the bag and extracts its precious cargo.

In the cramped alcove, Anakin catches a view of the Clone party. He sees the Mandalorians in a reflection from the lens of an old holo-projector unit.

The object in Dagor Fett's hand is about the size of his war helm. It is pyramidal in shape, adorned with ornate runes and bas-relief artwork. Small slits running parallel to the base of the pyramid let out a faint orange glow.

Fett takes a moment to examine the mysterious object. What kind of energy could be contained in this? Would the master really deploy them this far away from Mandalore just to retrieve a battery?

The runes on the artifact's surface appear to be...alive. They repeatedly shift shape to spell out messages in some long-forgotten language, starkly defiant of the pyramid's rocky composition. Fett feels the artifact getting heavier, as if it does not want to be in his possession.

"This fits the master's description. He will be most pleased with our finding," Fett says. "Time to extract." He drops the pyramid into the bag and ties a knot around the bag's mouth.

Thoughts so far?

Srelex wrote:

Esquire wrote:Why must the clones be the bad guys?

And weren't they pretty much the bad guys at the end anyway?

The clones have to be the bad guys because that was the vaguely alluded to backstory of the Thrawn Trilogy. That led to some creative retcons down the road.
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Kamino_uprising
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Battle_of_Cartao

This story has potential, please continue.

Jedipilot24 wrote:The clones have to be the bad guys because that was the vaguely alluded to backstory of the Thrawn Trilogy. That led to some creative retcons down the road.

Pellaeon's line mentioning the clones was something like "Clones were known, at least the ones the fleet faced, to go mad if bred in under a year". So it implied that there were clones fighting on both sides of the conflict.

atg wrote:

Jedipilot24 wrote:The clones have to be the bad guys because that was the vaguely alluded to backstory of the Thrawn Trilogy. That led to some creative retcons down the road.

Pellaeon's line mentioning the clones was something like "Clones were known, at least the ones the fleet faced, to go mad if bred in under a year". So it implied that there were clones fighting on both sides of the conflict.

I haven't read the Thrawn trilogy (yes, I know, drag me to the gallows), but the impression I get just from what you posted is that the Republic fleet fought a bunch of Clones. As in, Republic against the Clones. Going strictly by what you cited, I'm not getting the impression that the Republic used the Clones as weapons.

But even if that turns out to not be the case, it's irrelevant for what I am trying to write here. The only thing I take to be truly canon with this is the OT and a sequel trilogy I'm writing. I freely take elements of the EU whenever I need to, like what the Marvel movies have been doing lately with the comics that inspired them.

atg wrote:

Jedipilot24 wrote:The clones have to be the bad guys because that was the vaguely alluded to backstory of the Thrawn Trilogy. That led to some creative retcons down the road.

Pellaeon's line mentioning the clones was something like "Clones were known, at least the ones the fleet faced, to go mad if bred in under a year". So it implied that there were clones fighting on both sides of the conflict.

IIRC Mara Jade or Karrde has a line about not standing by while a "bunch of cold faced clones try and take over the galaxy". There is also a mention about Palpatine and others having cloning facilities.

Just to point out: Illuminatus Primus wrote a decent timeline, what happened to his?

Jedipilot24 wrote:The clones have to be the bad guys because that was the vaguely alluded to backstory of the Thrawn Trilogy. That led to some creative retcons down the road.

Timothy Zahn made the logical deduction that you don't generally name wars after your own army, but sometimes you name them after the enemy army (e.g. it's the French and Indian War, not the British and Indian War). As we're all painfully aware at this point, GL doesn't do logic particularly well so we end up with a clone army under Republic control and Leland Chee tying himself in knots trying to make sense of it.

Seeing that the Clones are moving away, Anakin takes the opportunity to rush to a different piece of cover. In the spur of the moment, he conceives of a plan to locate a shuttle on this freighter and use it to escape to the closest habitable world to the D'Anjon Nebula: Tattooine.

But a block of permacrete is displaced by his movement, landing on the floor with an echoing *THUD*.

Now the Clones have no doubt that they are being watched. Fett orders a Minor to investigate the disturbance, the same Clone who found the bag. The Clone holds his blaster rifle in firing position as he crouch-walks towards the source of the sound.

Peering into the darkness, he is momentarily blinded by a flash of golden light. Then he is eviscerated across the abdomen by Nellith Lars' lightsaber.

The other Mandalorian Clones immediately open fire on the Jedi, but they in turn are flanked by Ben. The old man scurries in behind the Clones and tags two of them in the back.

The remaining Clone Minor provides covering fire while he and sergeant Fett make a beeline to their gunship, with Nellith's artifact in the bag slung over his shoulder. Nellith uses her Force-augmented speed to catch up to the two Clones with incredible speed, almost faster than Ben's eyes can perceive.

The Jedi makes a rapid thrust towards the nearest Clone, skewering the Mandalorian right through the solar plexus. Fett taps a button on his wrist gauntlet and takes aim at the Jedi nearby. A potent jet of flame spews forth, enveloping Nellith's Jedi robes in flames the same color as her lightsaber. Nellith is distracted from attacking Fett because she is forced to undo her robe while it is on fire, exposing her black tunic and pants.

Fett rushes away from his occupied opponent and takes a shot at Ben, who is driven into cover by the accuracy of Fett's blast. One of Fett's hands is wielding a heavy blaster pistol while the other is gripping the mouth of the bag slung over his shoulder. He makes a mad dash to the nearest blast door, retracing his steps back to the gunship.

Ben looks around behind the power generator where he is taking cover and sees a control panel. Drawing on his extensive knowledge of the ship's subsystems, he opens the control panel, dials down the power setting on his blaster and shoots a bolt through part of the databoard.

Fett collides head-on with the blast door just after it slams shut.

Ben blind-fires on Fett's position several times, but only a single bolt scores a glancing hit off of the Mandalorian's armor suit. Fett flips a switch on his chest dial and a pair of small rocket thrusters deploy from armor's rear shell. He bolts across the upper part of the cargo bay like a shooting star, disappearing into the dark recesses of pile after pile of scrap metal.

Nellith has recovered from the flame attack. She stands up to face the direction where Fett was last seen, attuning her Force senses to detect the Clone's intentions. Her eyes are shut as she probes the darkness with her mind. The Jedi takes several cautious steps forward.

Out of the darkness, she senses the Mandalorian whipping out with his mind, preparing an imminent attack. She turns to face the threat with her lightsaber flicked on. But the Clone's vibro daggers do not make contact with her flesh. Instead, Fett convulses and drops to the ground, his silhouette covered in arcs of lightning. His demise illuminates the dark alcove.

Rushing out into the light of the main cargo bay floor is a teenaged boy holding a live fusion cutter. Ben requires a double take to realize that he is looking at the infamous swoop racer Anakin Redblade.