Ammusing rewrite of the OT to fit with the Prequals....

[Chris OFarrell]

Repost from theforce.net

STAR WARS, EPISODE 4: AN EVEN NEWER HOPE
(includes 'worst case scenario' Ep3 speculation)
If you take this seriously, you're going to hate me So don't.

It is a period of idealogical war. Spaceships from the Alliance of Rebelling Systems, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory in twenty years against the evil Galactic Empire, led by the Emperor Sith Lord Darth Sidious.
During the battle (see the cartoon spin off), members of the Geonosian underground managed to steal secret plans to the ultimate weapon of the Confederacy of Independend Systems, the Death Star, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet, which had fallen in the hands of the Emperor who forced the Geonosians to construct it after they were defeated in the Clone War.
Pursued by Darth Vader, Senator Leia Organa races home aboard her starship, to deliver the plans in the hands of Jimmy Smits and her foster mother, who in reality - but unkown to Leia - is her real mother in disguise, and restore freedom to their part of the galaxy.
Neither Vader nor Leia knows, that they are father and daughter...

VADER: There'll be no one to stop us this time, unlike twenty years ago, when they blew up the first Death Star!

THREEPIO: What a desolate place this is. Somehow it looks familiar.

THREEPIO: Wait, what's that? A JAWA transport! I'm saved!

OWEN: What I really need is a droid that understands the binary languages of moisture vaporators.
THREEPIO: Vaporators! Sir - My second job was talking to moisture vaporators, on a farm much like this one. In fact, this place looks very familiar!
OWEN: Threepio? Is that you? You look so shiny!
THREEPIO: Master Owen! It is you! It is you!
OWEN: All right; shut up! Don't tell Luke! You understand? He must not know that we know each other! (to Jawa) I'll take this one, but i refuse to pay for him. He was stolen from me 23 years ago!

THREEPIO: Thank Anakin Skywalker, the maker!

LUKE: Well, not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest, or teleport me off this rock!
THREEPIO: I don't think so, sir. I've seen teleporting twenty years ago and it sucked. Plus I'm only a droid and not very knowledgeable about such things. Not on this planet, anyways. As a matter of fact, it's pretty funny that I ended up on Tattooine again!
LUKE: What do you mean?
THREEPIO: Uhm, never mind.
LUKE: Well, if there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from.
THREEPIO: Huh? This is Naboo? What happened?

LUKE: Uh, you can call me Luke.
THREEPIO: I see, Luke Skywalker.
LUKE: How do you know my last name?
THREEPIO: Uhm, lucky guess...

LUKE: Have you been in many battles?
THREEPIO: Several, I'm very sure. Actually, there's not much to tell after those cartoon spin-offs.

AUNT BERU: Luke's just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him.
OWEN: You refer to the prophecy of the Chosen One and his high midichlorian count?
AUNT BERU: No, I mean he's always stalking girls.

BEN: Well of course I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by the name Obi-Wan since oh, some time after you were born.
LUKE: Then the droid does belong to you.
BEN: Don't seem to remember ever owning a droid, but he does look familiar. Very interesting...

LUKE: No, my father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a spice freighter.
BEN: That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. Thought he should not have stolen that droid and taking off without saying goodbye.
LUKE: You fought in the Clone Wars?
BEN: War, not warS. Only one war, kiddo. Cartoon spin-offs don't count. And it was more like a droid war anyway. I was once a Jedi Knight, just as you father was once a Jedi apprentice. I used to be one of those too, before I instantly became a Master. Let's just use the term Knight, it's easier.
LUKE: I wish I'd known him.
BEN: He was the best podrace-pilot on one planet in one race, and a cunning warrior. I often congratulated my young Padawan on his good calls during battle.
I understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself. And he was an annoying apprentice. Not much of a friend, but hey, i promised my dying master to train him. Which reminds me...
BEN: I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were 4 years old, but your uncle wouldn't allow it. He feared you might follow old Obi-Wan on some damned-fool idealistic crusade. Something you father would have done if there had ever been some kind of idealistic crusade in those days.

BEN: Your fathers LASERSWORD. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster, though much less effective when you're facing an entire army or even someone who uses two blasters and a rocket.
An elegant weapon to cut off limbs with for a more civilized time. For over a thousand YEARS the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the even darker times, before the Empire.

BEN: A young Jedi apprentice named Darth Vader, who was my only pupil ever until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights who weren't killed by a bunch of droids. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now there are only two Jedi left. Vader was forced by circumstances to join the dark side of the Force.
LUKE: The Force?
BEN: Well, the Force is what gives midichlorians their power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us, sometimes it even impregnates us. It binds the galaxy together. And it talks to us through the midichlorians.
LUKE: Midichlorians?
BEN: You see, midichlorians are microscopic...no, let's just move on.
LUKE: I really want to know.
BEN: No you don't. Trust me, you don't want to know.

LEIA: JEDI MASTER Kenobi, years ago you knew my mother who knew my father during the Clone War.

VADER: And, now Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden Rebel base. Hmmm, I sense something....something i haven't felt since...Padmé...NO! It can not be!
LEIA: What is it?
VADER: Nothing, it must be a malfunction in my artifical midichlorian boost-pack.

BEN: Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more ridiculous hive of pratfalls and poop jokes. We must be cautious.

BEN: The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded. As long as their mind is not immune to it. You will find it a powerful ally, as long as the Dark Side doesn't diminish you ability to use it.

BEN: Well, most of the best freighter pilots can be found here. Only watch your step. This place can be a little rough. Or so I've heard. I've never actually been here before.

VADER: Her resistance to the mind probe is considerable. The Force is strong with her. Strange...could she be? Nah!

HAN: Jabba, I'll pay you because it's my pleasure. By the way, why did you come to see me yourself and tell me what Greedo had already told me? And aren't you supposed to be the leader of this planet? You're acting like some local mobster, coming here just for me!
JABBA: That's it, shoot him!
BOBA FETT (without helmet, showing us Tem Morrisson's face): With pleasure, my dear foster father.

EXT. ALDERAAN, ROYAL PALACE, DAY
The Death Star obscures the sun. Everybody is scared goo-less.
PADME (in yet another disguise): Look!
JIMMY SMITS: Ah crap! And nobody ever mentioned my character's name!
KABOOM!!!!!!

HAN: Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there are little powerful microscopic lifeforms controlling everything. There are no little creatures that control my destiny.

BEN: In my experience, there's no such thing as luck. Except when my pupil flew into a spaceship and blew up it up by accident. And when my powerful Sith opponent suddenly forgot how to fight so i could cut him in half. But those were exceptions.

HAN: Look, going good against remotes is one thing. Going good against the living? That's something else.
BEN: Tell me about it. I only managed to destroy some droids when i was a Jedi. I couldn't even kill some unoriginal bounty hunter.

LEIA: Aren't you a little short for a clone?

A soft buzzer and the muted voice of Luke calling out for See-Threepio can be heard on Threepio's hand comlink, which is sitting on the deserted computer console. Artoo and Threepio are nowhere in sight. Suddenly there is a great explosion and the door of the control tower flies across the floor. Four armed stormtroopers enter the chamber.
CLUNK! A trooper hits his head.
TROOPER: Ouch! I wish those cloners would fix this genetic character flaw. Everybody keeps hitting his head all the time!

VADER: I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. The circle is even more complete now than it already was 20 years ago.
When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master.
BEN: Only a master of evil, ANAKIN SKYWALKER!
The two Galactic warriors stand perfectly still for a few moments, sizing each other up and waiting for the right moment.
Suddenly, Ben yells and jumps up, flips in mid-air and lands near Vader who does the same!
They jump, flip-flop, bounce and slide all over the place, barely hitting each other's swords! It's too cool to describe!!!
Suddenly, Vader shoots lightning from his free hand!
Ben blocks it with his lasersword!
Vader can't fight anymore! He's too tired! Ben closes in for the kill...
BEN: You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I won't become more
powerful than you can possibly imagine. I'll just talk a bit with some kid.
Suddenly, the Emperor comes up from behind and cuts Ben's head off!
Ben's head flies off - screaming loudly!!! Then his body dissapears in a huge flash!!!
EMPEROR: Blast! He knew the secret Sith vanishing move! Yoda must have taught him!
VADER: We will find Yoda and destroy him, master! Then truly nothing in the universe will stand in our way!
EMPEROR: No, i sense two others...

GENERAL JAR JAR BINKS: Da battle stasion is heavily shieldad and itsa carries da firingpower grander than half thussen star fleet. Itsa defensary thinges ara thinked around da direct bombad bigge assault. A small one-mannish fighter shoulda be able to busting inna da outa defense thinges.
GOLD LEADER: Pardon me for asking, sir, but what the hell are you talking about?
JAR JAR: Flying in daa and blowa da thing up! Wassa so difficult about thisse?!

VADER: This will be a day even longer remembered than that amazing day 20 years ago!

BEN'S VOICE: Let go, Luke.
Luke lets go of the controls. The X-Wing fighter accidentally flies straight towards the exhaust port.
VADER: The Force is strong with this one! He reminds me of myself. I sense something....strange...it's as if....No! It can not be!!

Han shoots the tie-fighters.
HAN: (yelling) Yippeee!

Luke accidentally hits the 'fire' button and a torpedo happens to fly into the exhaust port. The second Death Star is destroyed by sheer luck! No wait! It was the Force!!

JAR JAR and several other dignitaries sit on the left of Princess Leia. Leia is dressed in a long white dress and is staggeringly beautiful. Jar Jar rises to hand Leia some gold medallions, but he trips and falls and knocks over a bunch of guys. Everybody laughs. Leia takes the medallions and places them around the hero's necks. They turn and face the assembled troops, who all start to dance and sing a victory song before them. Chewbacca growls and Artoo beeps with happiness. Jar Jar jumps up and down.
JAR JAR: Wesa won!!!