D&D Movie

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2003-09-15 05:19pm

Wow, the unintentional humor factor of this movie is just unreal.

Anybody else seen it/have it on DVD?

Dahak · Post by **Dahak** » 2003-09-15 05:33pm

I saw it on TV.
It's hilarious.
And I wonder how broke Jeremy Irons had to be, to take that role

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2003-09-15 05:33pm

The dragons are STILL fugly, funny or not.

Even the deleted baby dragon scene couldn't make that movie worth buying the DVD.

.... although the theive's guild test gave me many many ideas....

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2003-09-15 05:50pm

I still laugh far too hard at this movie.

At least Jeremy Irons looks like he's having a ball...but the "No, no, No!!!" scene was a little too hammed up.

Stravo · Post by **Stravo** » 2003-09-15 05:58pm

I can honestly say that this movie was worse than TPM. Anyone that knows me knows what it took for me to say that. UGH. The pain of watching what could have been a fairly decent movie disintergrate before my eyes. I think at one point the elves eyebrows were coming off during a scene...it was horrid pain to watch this film and never again will I subject myself to it. (Though Marlan Wayans was the standout performance in the movie.)

Captain Cyran · Post by **Captain Cyran** » 2003-09-15 06:12pm

Bad movie... Do I need to say more? Ok, really bad movie. It had it's interesting moments, but beyond that it plain old sucked.

Majin Gojira · Post by **Majin Gojira** » 2003-09-15 06:43pm

"If you enjoy injecting LSD into your eyeballs, you'll enjoy this moive" - Crow T. Robot

Jadeite · Post by **Jadeite** » 2003-09-15 06:53pm

Such a bad movie.

One of the mistakes that appear minor, but really affects it is that they created the world of it from nothing. Nobody gave a shit about Izmer, or whatever the hell it was called. People would rather see Forgotten Realms or Spelljammer or Planescape. Anyone here ever seen The Gamers? Its an independent film I thin, low budget, but its better than the D&D movie, and lots more humorous. "Your going to backstab him with a fucking siege weapon?!"

Anarchist Bunny · Post by **Anarchist Bunny** » 2003-09-15 07:18pm

NEVER speak of this again, someone lock this and toss it into the HoS.

beyond hope · Post by **beyond hope** » 2003-09-15 07:36pm

Heh... I remember when my roommate bought this. I'd already decided I wasn't going to bother seeing it after I read the reviews, but since he would put the volume on the TV up to "11" I knew I'd have to listen to it or else leave the apartment for 2 hours. So, I sat down and gave it an MST3k treatment. My roomie was ready to throttle me the first time one of the Bozo Duo evaded some trap and I said "He can't do that! He's only a mid-level thief!"

It's not all that painful if you only watch it to laugh.

Darth_Shinji · Post by **Darth_Shinji** » 2003-09-15 07:46pm

One of the worse moments of my life. I nearly went insane when I relised I just spent 7 dollars to go in and see what I thought was going to be one of the crowning moments of my life.......

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2003-09-15 08:45pm

Courtney Solomon spent 10 years of his life on Dungeons and Dragons. Peter Jackson spent a similar amount of time on Lord of the Rings.

I bet you've never heard of Courtney Solomon, eh?

Slartibartfast · Post by **Slartibartfast** » 2003-09-15 08:50pm

Jadeite wrote:Such a bad movie. One of the mistakes that appear minor, but really affects it is that they created the world of it from nothing. Nobody gave a shit about Izmer, or whatever the hell it was called. People would rather see Forgotten Realms or Spelljammer or Planescape. Anyone here ever seen The Gamers? Its an independent film I thin, low budget, but its better than the D&D movie, and lots more humorous. "Your going to backstab him with a fucking siege weapon?!"

Hahaha...

http://www.tycrockett.com/d20_d&d_izmer.htm

David · Post by **David** » 2003-09-15 08:51pm

The movie was horrible, and had one of the worst endings of all time.

Mark S · Post by **Mark S** » 2003-09-15 11:13pm

*Looks at thread, remembers movie, does the 'Sideshow Bob shudder'.*

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-09-15 11:24pm

brunching.com:

DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS

I sharpened my +2 Pencil of Judgment, pulled out my Notepad of Wisdom (which gives my reviews a +3 clarity but often turns my fingers blue), shed my Cloak of Protection and settled comfortably in the Norrimbus Chair of Viewing to watch the newly released flick, Dungeons and Dragons.

I needed a Bag of Holding to contain all the vomit induced by this nauseating affront to motion pictures.

To say that Dungeons and Dragons is a bad movie does not begin to describe the amount of jaw-clenching, spasm-inducing pain a moviegoer must endure during even the opening prologue.

The story as it wishes it could be told: The empire is divided between Mages and commoners. The hot, new Empress with the bad accent wants to heal the kingdom and make everyone equal. Jeremy Irons doesn't like that idea, it gives him convulsions and makes him shout out every other word for no apparent reason, so he wants to get a magical rod to control red dragons and fight a war with Empress Don't-Speak-Just-Look-Pretty-in-Your-Chain-Mail, who has a rod which lets her control gold dragons. Two lowly thieves, a lowly dwarf and a lowly love interest set out in search of this magical rod.

Hilarity ensues.

To be honest, the plot makes as much sense as the rules involving the consumption of Iron Rations. I have no idea why they made a D&D movie with such a lofty "let's save the little people" plot. Most D&D games I can remember playing involved going into the cave, kicking the living crap out of a few kobolds, and coming out with booty. The loftiest goal we ever had was to keep from puking up our sour cream and onion ruffles.

The evil that is this movie has its roots in the worst script this side of a Scroll of Felching. I've seen infomercials more interesting and coherent than this piece of dung.

First rule of script writing - lay off the exposition:

"We must get the Rod of Savrille, which will allow us to control Red Dragons and therefore control the kingdom!"

"But where will we find the Rod of Savrille, which will allow us to control Red Dragons and therefore control the kingdom?"

"We must find the girl who is the apprentice to the mage in the tower - she knows where we can find the Rod of Savrille which will allow us to control Red Dragons and therefore control the kingdom!"

"But the girl who is the apprentice to the mage in the tower has disappeared. And with her, the knowledge of the whereabouts of the Rod of Savrille which will allow us to control Red Dragons and therefore control the kingdom!"

Second rule of script writing - people tend to sound stupid when they don't use contractions:

"We can not hold out any longer! I do not think that the foes that we are fighting will be able to be defeated! We should not wait for their attack!"

Third rule of script writing - lay off the unpronounceable names:

"Empress Savina of The Empire of Izmer, the Mage Profion is after the Rod of Savrille, and he will have his henchman Damodar search the deadly maze of the Thieves Guild at Antius to find it!"

The movie is set in a fantasy world that is entirely cgi created. And they spent a lot of money on building this world inside the computer, so they sure as hell are gonna make sure to show you EVERY INCH of their little cgi world.

PAN ALONG EAST SIDE OF EMPRESS' TOWER

Empress: I am worried about getting the Rod of Savrille which will allow me to control red dragons.

PAN DOWN WEST SIDE OF TOWER, ACROSS RIVER OF FIRE TO BRIDGE

Thief: We should rob the magic school! It will be great!

PAN ACOSS RIVER OF FIRE UP THE TOWER OF THE MAGIC SCHOOL

Mage: This scroll will tell us where to find the Rod of Savrille which controls red dragons!

PAN DOWN SIDE OF TOWER OF MAGIC SCHOOL AND UP EAST SIDE OF EMPRESS' TOWER

Empress: I could use a bath.

You get the idea.

But far be it for me to imply that the script is the only problem in this tub of putrescence. No one in this movie can act. Even actors who have shown the ability to act in the past come off as convincing as Schwarzenegger in a dress. Jeremy Irons is the bad guy. He's evil because he grimaces and snarls a lot. Bruce Payne is his transsexual henchman in lipstick. He's evil because he spits out his words like he's in some kind of stop motion experiment. Marlon Wayans is a good guy. He's good because he flitters about like hyena juiced up on caffeine. There's the good chick lollipop who's one of the good guys because she gasps a lot in surprise.

I could go on, but this review has to end sometime.

Basically, any movie is in bad straits when everyone in the audience is disappointed that a Wayans brother has died.

The director spent ten years of his life getting this movie made, he couldn't have taken another week or so to get a decent script? Hell, this was Dungeons and Dragons, any thirteen year-old geek could have written him something more exciting by playing the damn game and writing down what happened!

When you spend ten years of your life on a movie, you want to come out with Gandhi, Spartacus or Gone With the Wind. Ten years and all you have to show for it is a movie that makes Krull look like an academy award winner means you suck, and you need to go pump gas for a living.

Dungeons and Dragons gets 1/2 of a Babylon, saved from a score of zero by some cool cgi dragons at the end.

Slartibartfast · Post by **Slartibartfast** » 2003-09-15 11:45pm

Yeah when I saw that movie (I didn't pay to watch it, really. I got it by less "legal" means, and I knew in advance it sucked somewhat), I quickly went to every BAD review I could find and read them all, so I could share my frustration with others. It wasn't too hard, it's like 90% rotten according to Rottentomatoes.

Still, I had to actively avoid any good reviews. I couldn't have stomached the idea that somebody thinks that this movie is good.

Slartibartfast · Post by **Slartibartfast** » 2003-09-15 11:58pm

The story can be summed up like this: Indiana-Skywalker-Olsen and his sidekick Jar-Jar-Wayans, aided by Marina Organa, go on a mission to recover the Evil Sienar Staff of TIE-Dragon summoning, which the evil dude, Grand Moff Gruber Irons wants to use agains Queen Padmé Savina, who is similarly equipped with Incom Rod of X-Dragon creation. Along the way, they recruit the giant ewok Chewdwarf, and get to some other city to pass the three God's Tests to get the Holy Grail, which isn't holy, and isn't a grail either. Fortunately, they have a magic map that's very useful, yet nobody knows what it's for.

Then there's a huge city craptacular space-battle, where the Red Squadron fights against the Gold Squadron. In the end they all become tiny space wisps and float into the sky.

Solauren · Post by **Solauren** » 2003-09-16 12:05am

Dungeons and Dragons, the movie, is a perfect of example of why you should never let a FAN BOY direct a major motion picture

(shudder)

However, Scourge of Worlds looks like it should be a fun interactive DVD (the demo was good anyway)

Personally, I wish they had turned the Icewind Dale Trilogy into a movie series instead of 'THAT' waste.
Or perhaps even The Avatar Series *(yeah, I know it's not popular)*, the Drizz't Do'Durden books (that would rule)

Or if you want Dragonlance, a script by Tracey and Margerat about the War of the Lance would have been good

Bug-Eyed Earl · Post by **Bug-Eyed Earl** » 2003-09-16 12:12am

Dahak wrote:I saw it on TV.
It's hilarious.
And I wonder how broke Jeremy Irons had to be, to take that role

During filming Irons (whose birthday is this Friday; i know this because it ais also mine) said he had bought a castle, and his D&D paycheck was for the renovation.

And I always say this in any D&D movie thread I find on the net:

"LET THE BLOOD RAIN ACROSS THE SKYYYYYYYY!!""

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2003-09-16 03:30pm

Watching the opening scene all by myself on my lonely little computer, I managed to match the riffing density of M&tB on an average episode of MST3K.

My favorite one so far:

*Irons and Payne approach the not-yet-known-to-be faulty Rod of Green Dragon Control*

"Behold, Lipstick Man! A sparkly thing on a stick!"

BTW, the idea of a Rod of Dragon Control that is NOT a legendary artifact is about as ludicrous as a Rod of God Control.

Eleas · Post by **Eleas** » 2003-09-16 05:14pm

I loved this movie. It gave me all the ammo I ever wanted in debating D&D fans.

Slartibartfast · Post by **Slartibartfast** » 2003-09-16 05:39pm

I'm thinking, if the plot would have been taken from Baldur's Gate 2 or something, it would have been a better movie. There would still be stupid things (like bad acting or meaningless subplots) and the elves would have still looked exactly like Vulcans.

Vendetta · Post by **Vendetta** » 2003-09-16 05:53pm

Slartibartfast wrote:I'm thinking, if the plot would have been taken from Baldur's Gate 2 or something, it would have been a better movie. There would still be stupid things (like bad acting or meaningless subplots) and the elves would have still looked exactly like Vulcans.

And it would have been about five weeks long.

But still... Worth it for Minsc.

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2003-09-16 06:07pm

Eleas wrote:I loved this movie. It gave me all the ammo I ever wanted in debating D&D fans.

Except... it's about as canon as my undershorts.

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