Part 24: SEGNOR Strikes Back
*open up on the planning room of the Gnomes. DARTH, ROGUEICE, MITT, RYE, and MUTANT HEADCRAB are all clustered around a table*
ALL: Hail to the SEcret GNOme Revolution! Long live SEGNOR!
DGG: Since our previous two plans have only met with limited success-
ROGUEICE: We failed completely!
DGG: Rye!
*RYE stuffs a live goldfish into ROGUEICE'S mouth and duct-tapes it shut*
DGG: -we must now change our strategy.
*a distant roar*
HEADCRAB: I think Fido's hungry.
DGG: Of course! Why didn't I think of this before! Let's take Rover-
HEADCRAB: Fido.
DGG: -up to the surface and set him loose! The humans will be so panicked, our takeover will be simplicity itself!
MITT: Should we arm him?
DGG: Why not? Give Rover his favorite hammer, Headcrab!
HEADCRAB: His name's Fido.
DGG: Now nothing can stop us! Muwhahahahaha!
*ROGUEICE makes a choking sound*
DGG: Yes, I know I'm brilliant. No need to confirm it.
*CUT TO the surface. ZAIA and STORMBRINGER walk down a street, with ZAIA rubbing what's left of the silly putty off her hands*
ZAIA: *mumbling* Once I get my hands on that lousy little-
STORMBRINGER: So what the hell is going on around here?
ZAIA: Long story. Just help me kill Kuja, alright?
STORMBRINGER: Uh...any particular reason?
ZAIA: Um...he said some nasty things to me?
STORMBRINGER: HE'S A WALKING DEAD MAN.
ZAIA *under her breath* Perfect.
*a crash. Both of them whirl around*
STORMBRINGER: What was that?
ZAIA: Sounds like it came from underground!
*another crash. Then another. ZAIA and STORMBRINGER stand back to back, watching nervously. With a final crash, a massive creature bursts through the street and roars*
STORMBRINGER: It's a cave troll!
ZAIA: Kill it!
STORMBRINGER: Get to safety!
*STORMBRINGER reaches under his trench coat as FIDO roars and charges, swinging a massive iron hammer. Just as the troll reaches him, STORMBRINGER sidesteps, whips off the coat, and throws it in FIDO'S face, revealing a pair of six-shooters on gunbelts. He quick-draws and fires several rounds into the troll's back. FIDO goes sprawling and doesn't get up*
ZAIA: Great job! You-
STORMBRINGER: Quiet!
*STORMBRINGER approaches the troll and kicks its foot. FIDO doesn't move. A pair of GNOMES scramble up from the hole in the street*
HEADCRAB: You killed our pet!
ZAIA: That thing was your pet?
MITT: Yeah, and we just spent a fortune to buy a pooper-scooper for him!
STORMBRINGER: I really didn't need to hear that...
*FIDO suddenly rises and roars angrily. STORMBRINGER aims, but the troll swings its hammer and sends him flying*
ZAIA: Storm!
*STORMBRINGER slams into a parked car, crumpling its side*
ZAIA: You bastard!
*FIDO takes a swing at her, but she jumps over the troll's arm and uses her claws to open several deep cuts. FIDO bellows again and knocks her over. ZAIA tries to catch her breath, but FIDO steps on her legs and pins her*
ZAIA: Help!
GNOMES: DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
*a sudden thwack. FIDO yelps and grabs the back of his head*
FANBOY: Surprise, asshole!
*a slightly mangled FANBOY steps out from behind FIDO, carrying his reclaimed boat oar*
ZAIA: Fanboy! You're alive!
FANBOY: No thanks to you!
ZAIA: Just kill the troll and I'll make it up to you! Promisepromisepromise!
FANBOY: Okay! *assumes heroic pose* Let's get to it!
*a beat. FANBOY assumes a second heroic pose*
HEADCRAB: What the hell is he doing?
MITT: Beats me.
FANBOY: *assumes third heroic pose* I'm charging up my ultimate attack! Don't interrupt me!
HEADCRAB: Sorry, this is just too damn boring. Fido! Crush 'em!
*FIDO smashes FANBOY with the hammer and reduces him to pancake size*
FANBOY: Owwww...
MITT: Well, that was totally pointless!
HEADCRAB: Hey Fido! Use him as a Frisbee!
*FIDO picks up FANBOY and hurls him down the street. He slams into a wall and pops back to normal size, unbelievably disoriented. Both GNOMES burst out laughing*
ZAIA: You'll pay for this!
MITT: Oooooh, I'm so scared! Fido! Finish her off already!
ZAIA: NO!
*FIDO raises the hammer again and is about to bring it down when a gunshot rings out. FIDO trembles once, then falls to the ground, revealing a mangled STORMBRINGER loosely holding one of his six-shooters and smiling dazedly*
STORMBRINGER: ...Bang.
HEADCRAB: No way!
MITT: Shit! Retreat!
*both GNOMES crawl back down the hole*
FANBOY: You're not getting away, SEGNOR scum!
*he dives after them. STORMBRINGER wavers, then falls forward, the gun slipping from his hand. ZAIA darts forward and catches him before he hits the ground*
STORMBRINGER: Is it all...just a dream?
ZAIA: Yeah. Just a dream.
FANBOY: *from the hole* Stop ripping off Cowboy Bebop, you unoriginal tearjerkers!
STRAVO (vo): From what I heard later, it was a pretty wild battle, even if it was short. I'm still sorry I missed it. Stormbringer was sorely missed by many, and his body was laid to rest at-
STORMBRINGER (vo): Hey asshole, I'm not dead!
STRAVO (vo): YEAAARGGH! A GHOST!
STORMBRINGER (vo): Oh, hurry up and finish already!
STRAVO (vo): Uh, all right. But even with Stormbringer gone, *a growl. STRAVO gulps* the real carnage was just beginning. None of us guessed what Kuja had up his sleeve until it was too late...
STORMBRINGER (vo): Finished? Great, fine, good, I'm pulling the plug!
*blackout*
How Stravo Got his Groove Back
Moderator: LadyTevar
INTERLUDE 3: The Hunk of Man Meat Awards!
*open up of a stage full of various...men...wearing anything from mystic robes to stormtrooper armor. THE KERNAL and CRAZEDWRAITH face the camera*
KERNAL: Welcome back, folks! It's time to decide who walks away as the Hunkiest Guy of SD.Net!
CRAZEDWRAITH: Couldn't have said it better myself, Kernal! There were lots of worthy contestants, but only one can walk away with the golden crown!
*a hottie in a tight black dress walks out, carrying a velvet pillow with a small gold crown on it*
KERNAL: so, who will receive the much-wanted crown? Will it be "El Diablo" Verilon? Will it be Durandal the Butch? Mad, the mad? Or will it be the biggest hunk of meat of all, Rob Smash?
CRAZEDWRAITH: We'll find out, after this!
*AUDIENCE cheers. Crossfade to a Borg Cube*
BORG: We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your-
*the cube explodes brilliantly. A high-wired ANNOUNCER steps in*
ANNOUNCER: When you decide you just can't deal with the village idiots anymore, use Gridfire! Armor bows before it! Shields are useless against it! It just CANNOT BE STOPPED!
*he holds up a miniature GSV*
ANNOUNCER: Everything's better...with GRIDFIRE!
*crossfade*
KERNAL: Wow, that gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling...
CRAZEDWRAITH: And we're back at the Hunt of Man Meat Contest! Now, the presentation of the crown!
KERNAL: The envelope, please!
*BEOWULF runs out with an envelope in hand and gives it to THE KERNAL. The CONTESTANTS lean forward, a hungry look in their eyes*
KERNAL: Thank you. And the winner is...
*he tears open the envelope*
KERNAL: VERILON!
*the AUDIENCE cheers. The other CONTESTANTS are gape-mouthed. VERILON does cartwheels*
VERILON: WOOHOO! I WON! THIS IS AWESOME!
*the hottie hands over the crown. DURANDAL loses it*
DURANDAL: Dammit, I paid the judges two hundred each for that crown! It belongs to me!
*VERILON clutches his prized crown*
VERILON: No way! I chea-er, won it fair and square!
FANBOY: Well, I think I'm more handsome than you, so hand it over!
VERILON: No!
DALTON: Rob Smash!
COLONEL OLRIK: I order you to give me that crown!
CRAZEDWRAITH: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEEEEEEEE!
*all the CONTESTANTS pull out a weapon. The AUDIENCE roars. THE KERNAL and CRAZEDWRAITH retreat to a character-shielded announcer's box*
KERNAL: And we're off, folks! Verilon's making a break for it-no! He's down from a spell courtesy the Harry Potter-on-acid candidate, Mitth'raw'nuruodo!
MITT: My crown!
*he gets clotheslined by MAD*
MAD: I've earned this crown, kid! Stay outta my way!
*SPYDA runs by and snatches it*
SPYDA: ZEE CROWN EST MIEN!
*he runs right into DALTON'S choke-slam*
DALTON: I'll take that!
*AERIUS slides by and grabs the crown*
AERIUS: Hahaha! Mine now!
*he scampers up onto the scaffolding for the stage lights*
AERIUS: Try and reach me now!
*DARTH UTSANOMIKO whips out a rocket launcher*
UTSANOMIKO: Dodge this.
*AERIUS whimpers*
AERIUS: But...I touch myself at night!
*a rocket blows him into bloody chunks. The AUDIENCE roars. The crown goes whirling*
CRAZEDWRAITH: Who's gonna get it? Who?
*CYRAN and KUJA dive for it, but slam into each other*
BOTH: ASSHOLE! THUNDER!
*they shock each other into unconsciousness*
RYE: I've got it!
*he runs into STRAVO and falls backward*
STRAVO: No you don't.
DALTON: Give it up!
*STRAVO places the crown on his head*
STRAVO: Come and take it!
*DALTON stomps and charges. Some joker plays a Godzilla roar over the speakers*
STRAVO: Come on!
*RYE stands up, disoriented*
RYE: Ow, my head...
*he gets squashed between DALTON and STRAVO*
KERNAL: Ouch! That can't be pleasant!
CRAZEDWRAITH: An experience he'll be sure to wish he'd never experienced, indeed!
*as DALTON pushes STRAVO across the stage, STARSHIPTITANIC hangs down from the curtains and grabs the crown*
TITANIC: I got it! I got it! I'm the winner! I'm...falling!
*he plummets to the stage and is engulfed in fighting CONTESTANTS*
CRAZEDWRAITH: Well folks, that's all the time we have here! We now return you to your regular boring lives!
KERNAL: This contest was brought to you by Gridfire! Remember kids, everything's better...with Gridfire!
*CGI Gridfire explosion as the screen fades to black*
*open up of a stage full of various...men...wearing anything from mystic robes to stormtrooper armor. THE KERNAL and CRAZEDWRAITH face the camera*
KERNAL: Welcome back, folks! It's time to decide who walks away as the Hunkiest Guy of SD.Net!
CRAZEDWRAITH: Couldn't have said it better myself, Kernal! There were lots of worthy contestants, but only one can walk away with the golden crown!
*a hottie in a tight black dress walks out, carrying a velvet pillow with a small gold crown on it*
KERNAL: so, who will receive the much-wanted crown? Will it be "El Diablo" Verilon? Will it be Durandal the Butch? Mad, the mad? Or will it be the biggest hunk of meat of all, Rob Smash?
CRAZEDWRAITH: We'll find out, after this!
*AUDIENCE cheers. Crossfade to a Borg Cube*
BORG: We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your-
*the cube explodes brilliantly. A high-wired ANNOUNCER steps in*
ANNOUNCER: When you decide you just can't deal with the village idiots anymore, use Gridfire! Armor bows before it! Shields are useless against it! It just CANNOT BE STOPPED!
*he holds up a miniature GSV*
ANNOUNCER: Everything's better...with GRIDFIRE!
*crossfade*
KERNAL: Wow, that gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling...
CRAZEDWRAITH: And we're back at the Hunt of Man Meat Contest! Now, the presentation of the crown!
KERNAL: The envelope, please!
*BEOWULF runs out with an envelope in hand and gives it to THE KERNAL. The CONTESTANTS lean forward, a hungry look in their eyes*
KERNAL: Thank you. And the winner is...
*he tears open the envelope*
KERNAL: VERILON!
*the AUDIENCE cheers. The other CONTESTANTS are gape-mouthed. VERILON does cartwheels*
VERILON: WOOHOO! I WON! THIS IS AWESOME!
*the hottie hands over the crown. DURANDAL loses it*
DURANDAL: Dammit, I paid the judges two hundred each for that crown! It belongs to me!
*VERILON clutches his prized crown*
VERILON: No way! I chea-er, won it fair and square!
FANBOY: Well, I think I'm more handsome than you, so hand it over!
VERILON: No!
DALTON: Rob Smash!
COLONEL OLRIK: I order you to give me that crown!
CRAZEDWRAITH: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEEEEEEEE!
*all the CONTESTANTS pull out a weapon. The AUDIENCE roars. THE KERNAL and CRAZEDWRAITH retreat to a character-shielded announcer's box*
KERNAL: And we're off, folks! Verilon's making a break for it-no! He's down from a spell courtesy the Harry Potter-on-acid candidate, Mitth'raw'nuruodo!
MITT: My crown!
*he gets clotheslined by MAD*
MAD: I've earned this crown, kid! Stay outta my way!
*SPYDA runs by and snatches it*
SPYDA: ZEE CROWN EST MIEN!
*he runs right into DALTON'S choke-slam*
DALTON: I'll take that!
*AERIUS slides by and grabs the crown*
AERIUS: Hahaha! Mine now!
*he scampers up onto the scaffolding for the stage lights*
AERIUS: Try and reach me now!
*DARTH UTSANOMIKO whips out a rocket launcher*
UTSANOMIKO: Dodge this.
*AERIUS whimpers*
AERIUS: But...I touch myself at night!
*a rocket blows him into bloody chunks. The AUDIENCE roars. The crown goes whirling*
CRAZEDWRAITH: Who's gonna get it? Who?
*CYRAN and KUJA dive for it, but slam into each other*
BOTH: ASSHOLE! THUNDER!
*they shock each other into unconsciousness*
RYE: I've got it!
*he runs into STRAVO and falls backward*
STRAVO: No you don't.
DALTON: Give it up!
*STRAVO places the crown on his head*
STRAVO: Come and take it!
*DALTON stomps and charges. Some joker plays a Godzilla roar over the speakers*
STRAVO: Come on!
*RYE stands up, disoriented*
RYE: Ow, my head...
*he gets squashed between DALTON and STRAVO*
KERNAL: Ouch! That can't be pleasant!
CRAZEDWRAITH: An experience he'll be sure to wish he'd never experienced, indeed!
*as DALTON pushes STRAVO across the stage, STARSHIPTITANIC hangs down from the curtains and grabs the crown*
TITANIC: I got it! I got it! I'm the winner! I'm...falling!
*he plummets to the stage and is engulfed in fighting CONTESTANTS*
CRAZEDWRAITH: Well folks, that's all the time we have here! We now return you to your regular boring lives!
KERNAL: This contest was brought to you by Gridfire! Remember kids, everything's better...with Gridfire!
*CGI Gridfire explosion as the screen fades to black*
Part 25: Battle Beneath Manhattan! (isn't that an old movie?)
*open up on a bunch of SEGNOR troops getting stoned*
GNOME 1: Yo…pass it, man.
GNOME 2: Okay.
*gunfire erupts from the shadows, blowing all of the GNOMES away*
FANBOY: Well, that wasn't too hard.
*STORMBRINGER rolls his eyes and drops his guns back into their holsters*
STORMBRINGER: Let's keep moving. There's bound to be someone who heard that.
*a bunch of GNOMES burst through the door*
GNOME LEADER: You're trapped!
FANBOY: Big Swinging Wood Attack!
STORMBRINGER: Whatever this is, it had better involve him keeping his pants on.
*FANBOY charges the GNOME SOLDIERS and wipes them out by swinging the oar*
STORMBRINGER: Ok, let's go.
*CUT TO: The Gnome Control Center*
DGG: What's going on? What just happened to Gnome Squad Four?
HEADCRAB: They've been wiped out!
MITT: There's a pair of humans fighting their way towards us!
DGG: Crap! I was hoping nobody would notice the giant hole Rover left!
HEADCRAB: IT'S FIDO!
*ROGUEICE enters*
ROGUEICE: Excuse me, Fearful Leader, but-
*a female falls out of the air conditioning and squashes him*
MARINA: Wow, this place is so cool…
DGG: YAAAAAA! HUMAN! SOUND RED ALERT!
MARINA: Wow, look at all the fancy gadgets! What does this do?
HEADCRAB: DON'T TOUCH THAT!
*MARINA hits a button and HEADCRAB is hit with a boxing glove on a spring. In the groin. He crumples.*
MARINA: Oh, neat trick.
DGG: For Thorin's sake, stop her!
*MITT leaps, but MARINA turns to look at something else and he crashes into a computer screen*
MARINA: Hey, why is this one labeled Do Not Touch? Can I touch it?
DGG: NO!
*she does anyway*
VOICE: WARNING. WARNING. AUTO-DEFENSE SYSTEM ACTIVATED. GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE.
*various guns begin popping out of the wall*
DGG: Now look what you're done!
*CUT TO: a room outside the control center. STORMBRINGER and FANBOY finish off the guards*
STORMBRINGER: Hey, do you hear that?
FANBOY: Sounds like someone's yelling.
*they train their weapons on the door to the Control Center just as the door bursts open. DGG runs out amid bursts of laser and gunfire. He attaches himself to STORMBRINGER'S chest*
DGG: HELP ME! SAVE ME! SHE'S A MENACE!
STORMBRINGER: Get off! Get off of me!
DGG: NO! HERE SHE COMES!
*he runs off, panicking. MARINA exits the Center, slightly sooty*
MARINA: Aw, I just bought these yesterday and now they're all yucky! Ick!
FANBOY: Wha...
MARINA: Oh, hi! Isn't this place so totally cool? Later!
*she jogs off down a tunnel. The two guys stare after her*
STORMBRINGER: Um...wasn't that-
FANBOY: WHY AM I JUST STANDING HERE?!
STORMBRINGER: What?
FANBOY: WAIT FOR ME, BLONDIE!
*he charges off after MARINA*
STORMBRINGER: Wait a minute!
*CUT TO: A chamber deep beneath the Control Center. DGG runs in and hits a switch*
COMPUTER: Self-destruct has now been activated. Self-destruct in 20 seconds.
DGG: I'm outta here!
*he jumps into an escape pod and shoots off just as MARINA runs in*
MARINA: Yuck. This place is so dark. Ooh, check out this couch!
*she sits down in one of the escape pods and it launches just as the guys run in*
FANBOY: Wait! Wait!
STORMBRINGER: Too late.
COMPUTER: Self-destruct in 15 seconds.
BOTH: WHAT?!
*the door slams shut behind them. They leap into each other's arms*
FANBOY: I DON'T WANNA DIE! I HAVEN'T SCORED ENOUGH YET!
STORMBRINGER: IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO END LIKE THIS, DAMMIT!
COMPUTER: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6...
BOTH: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
COMPUTER: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...have a nice day.
BOTH: Thank you.
*CUT TO: the street of Manhattan as KUJA leads his group around yet another corner*
KUJA: Hey did you just feel something?
CYRAN: You mean like a distant explosion?
*STORMBRINGER and FANBOY erupt out of the ground and go flying up, accompanied by a lot of smoke*
BOTH: Looks like we're blasting off agaaaaaaaaaiiiiin!
*they disappear*
CYRAN: Wow. That was random.
*KUJA turns to face the camera*
KUJA: And if you caught all the references in this chapter, congratulations! You need a life almost as badly as I do!
*fade out*
*open up on a bunch of SEGNOR troops getting stoned*
GNOME 1: Yo…pass it, man.
GNOME 2: Okay.
*gunfire erupts from the shadows, blowing all of the GNOMES away*
FANBOY: Well, that wasn't too hard.
*STORMBRINGER rolls his eyes and drops his guns back into their holsters*
STORMBRINGER: Let's keep moving. There's bound to be someone who heard that.
*a bunch of GNOMES burst through the door*
GNOME LEADER: You're trapped!
FANBOY: Big Swinging Wood Attack!
STORMBRINGER: Whatever this is, it had better involve him keeping his pants on.
*FANBOY charges the GNOME SOLDIERS and wipes them out by swinging the oar*
STORMBRINGER: Ok, let's go.
*CUT TO: The Gnome Control Center*
DGG: What's going on? What just happened to Gnome Squad Four?
HEADCRAB: They've been wiped out!
MITT: There's a pair of humans fighting their way towards us!
DGG: Crap! I was hoping nobody would notice the giant hole Rover left!
HEADCRAB: IT'S FIDO!
*ROGUEICE enters*
ROGUEICE: Excuse me, Fearful Leader, but-
*a female falls out of the air conditioning and squashes him*
MARINA: Wow, this place is so cool…
DGG: YAAAAAA! HUMAN! SOUND RED ALERT!
MARINA: Wow, look at all the fancy gadgets! What does this do?
HEADCRAB: DON'T TOUCH THAT!
*MARINA hits a button and HEADCRAB is hit with a boxing glove on a spring. In the groin. He crumples.*
MARINA: Oh, neat trick.
DGG: For Thorin's sake, stop her!
*MITT leaps, but MARINA turns to look at something else and he crashes into a computer screen*
MARINA: Hey, why is this one labeled Do Not Touch? Can I touch it?
DGG: NO!
*she does anyway*
VOICE: WARNING. WARNING. AUTO-DEFENSE SYSTEM ACTIVATED. GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE.
*various guns begin popping out of the wall*
DGG: Now look what you're done!
*CUT TO: a room outside the control center. STORMBRINGER and FANBOY finish off the guards*
STORMBRINGER: Hey, do you hear that?
FANBOY: Sounds like someone's yelling.
*they train their weapons on the door to the Control Center just as the door bursts open. DGG runs out amid bursts of laser and gunfire. He attaches himself to STORMBRINGER'S chest*
DGG: HELP ME! SAVE ME! SHE'S A MENACE!
STORMBRINGER: Get off! Get off of me!
DGG: NO! HERE SHE COMES!
*he runs off, panicking. MARINA exits the Center, slightly sooty*
MARINA: Aw, I just bought these yesterday and now they're all yucky! Ick!
FANBOY: Wha...
MARINA: Oh, hi! Isn't this place so totally cool? Later!
*she jogs off down a tunnel. The two guys stare after her*
STORMBRINGER: Um...wasn't that-
FANBOY: WHY AM I JUST STANDING HERE?!
STORMBRINGER: What?
FANBOY: WAIT FOR ME, BLONDIE!
*he charges off after MARINA*
STORMBRINGER: Wait a minute!
*CUT TO: A chamber deep beneath the Control Center. DGG runs in and hits a switch*
COMPUTER: Self-destruct has now been activated. Self-destruct in 20 seconds.
DGG: I'm outta here!
*he jumps into an escape pod and shoots off just as MARINA runs in*
MARINA: Yuck. This place is so dark. Ooh, check out this couch!
*she sits down in one of the escape pods and it launches just as the guys run in*
FANBOY: Wait! Wait!
STORMBRINGER: Too late.
COMPUTER: Self-destruct in 15 seconds.
BOTH: WHAT?!
*the door slams shut behind them. They leap into each other's arms*
FANBOY: I DON'T WANNA DIE! I HAVEN'T SCORED ENOUGH YET!
STORMBRINGER: IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO END LIKE THIS, DAMMIT!
COMPUTER: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6...
BOTH: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
COMPUTER: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...have a nice day.
BOTH: Thank you.
*CUT TO: the street of Manhattan as KUJA leads his group around yet another corner*
KUJA: Hey did you just feel something?
CYRAN: You mean like a distant explosion?
*STORMBRINGER and FANBOY erupt out of the ground and go flying up, accompanied by a lot of smoke*
BOTH: Looks like we're blasting off agaaaaaaaaaiiiiin!
*they disappear*
CYRAN: Wow. That was random.
*KUJA turns to face the camera*
KUJA: And if you caught all the references in this chapter, congratulations! You need a life almost as badly as I do!
*fade out*
Part 26: No Nukes!
*HIT-MAN, DALTON, STRAVO, and a somewhat bandaged ZAIA all sit or stand around a sidewalk bench*
STRAVO: So now what to we do?
DALTON: There's not much we can do.
STRAVO: But...there's gotta be something!
ZAIA: There's nothing, all right?! We lost them, now they're free to do anything they want, got it?!
*silence*
LT: So...we're screwed.
ZAIA: Yes. Unless something goes wrong with their plans.
*CUT TO: a local gun store as KUJA and CYRAN are escorted out by a pair of beefy security guys*
KUJA: All I want it a 50-megaton nuclear weapon! Is that too much to ask for?
SECURITY 1: Sir, please calm down.
KUJA: You guys make a living selling offensive weaponry, don't you? Why don't you have any nukes in stock?
SECURITY 2: Sir, there's nothing we can do about it.
CYRAN: Cheapskates! Back home we can buy four for a quarter!
KUJA: Yeah!
SECURITY 1: Well then, why don't you toddle on home, kids. Good night.
*the SECURITY go back inside. KUJA and CYRAN begin to walk away, then KUJA suddenly stops*
CYRAN: What's up?
KUJA: Cyran, what did you learn in school?
CYRAN: Reading, writing, and arithmetic.
KUJA: They teach you anything about revenge?
CYRAN: No, I learned that on my own.
KUJA: Good.
*they spin. KUJA throws a fireball and CYRAN throws an ice blast. The store erupts into a hail of sparks and snowflakes*
SECURITY 1: OH GOD, WE'RE FREEZING TO DEATH AND BURNING ALIVE AT THE SAME TIME!
SECURITY 2: MY RIGHT SIDE IS BLACK AND MY LEFT IS BLUE!
KUJA: Of course, you realize that this brings a whole new meaning to the phrase no nukes.
CYRAN: Yeah, no nukes!
COUNTER GUY: AND WE HAD AN 80-MEGATONNER UNDER THE COUNTER THE WHOLE TIME!
*they freeze*
KUJA: HANG ON!
CYRAN: WE'RE COMING!
KUJA: DON'T DIE!
*they bravely rush into the store. Time passes. They emerge triumphantly carrying a large warhead*
KUJA: We did it!
CYRAN: We're gonna be heroes!
*they start rushing down the street when CYRAN stops*
CYRAN: Hey, weren't there some people in there, too?
*all the ammo in the store detonates at once*
KUJA: Not anymore.
CYRAN: Oh well. Can't be helped now.
*KUJA checks his watch*
KUJA: Let's go. We've gotta get everything set up before the crowd arrives.
*CUT TO: STRAVO and the others*
STRAVO: Well, if all our lives are going to end, I say we get one last drink.
LT: I'm with that.
ZAIA: Oh hell, why not. Then I can die drunk and surrounded by guys.
*they start to walk towards the nearest bar when a piece of paper is blown across the street into DALTON'S face. He grabs it and is about to throw it away when he stops and reads it*
DALTON: Guys! I've saved the day!
OTHERS: Huh?
DALTON: *reads* Come to the ultimate rave tonight on top of the Empire State Building. Beer, snacks, and music courtesy of Black Magic Ltd. The night will conclude with the greatest fireworks show ever seen in Washington DC.
LT: Washington? But we're in New York.
*a beat*
STRAVO: Oh shit.
ZAIA: Well, it's obviously too late to stop them, since it's already after sundown. Let's just grab a drink.
DALTON: But if we go to the rave and fail anyway, we can still get drunk and die in the middle of a party!
STRAVO: Yeah, it's win-win!
ZAIA: OK, let's go!
LT: Party time!
*fade out*
*HIT-MAN, DALTON, STRAVO, and a somewhat bandaged ZAIA all sit or stand around a sidewalk bench*
STRAVO: So now what to we do?
DALTON: There's not much we can do.
STRAVO: But...there's gotta be something!
ZAIA: There's nothing, all right?! We lost them, now they're free to do anything they want, got it?!
*silence*
LT: So...we're screwed.
ZAIA: Yes. Unless something goes wrong with their plans.
*CUT TO: a local gun store as KUJA and CYRAN are escorted out by a pair of beefy security guys*
KUJA: All I want it a 50-megaton nuclear weapon! Is that too much to ask for?
SECURITY 1: Sir, please calm down.
KUJA: You guys make a living selling offensive weaponry, don't you? Why don't you have any nukes in stock?
SECURITY 2: Sir, there's nothing we can do about it.
CYRAN: Cheapskates! Back home we can buy four for a quarter!
KUJA: Yeah!
SECURITY 1: Well then, why don't you toddle on home, kids. Good night.
*the SECURITY go back inside. KUJA and CYRAN begin to walk away, then KUJA suddenly stops*
CYRAN: What's up?
KUJA: Cyran, what did you learn in school?
CYRAN: Reading, writing, and arithmetic.
KUJA: They teach you anything about revenge?
CYRAN: No, I learned that on my own.
KUJA: Good.
*they spin. KUJA throws a fireball and CYRAN throws an ice blast. The store erupts into a hail of sparks and snowflakes*
SECURITY 1: OH GOD, WE'RE FREEZING TO DEATH AND BURNING ALIVE AT THE SAME TIME!
SECURITY 2: MY RIGHT SIDE IS BLACK AND MY LEFT IS BLUE!
KUJA: Of course, you realize that this brings a whole new meaning to the phrase no nukes.
CYRAN: Yeah, no nukes!
COUNTER GUY: AND WE HAD AN 80-MEGATONNER UNDER THE COUNTER THE WHOLE TIME!
*they freeze*
KUJA: HANG ON!
CYRAN: WE'RE COMING!
KUJA: DON'T DIE!
*they bravely rush into the store. Time passes. They emerge triumphantly carrying a large warhead*
KUJA: We did it!
CYRAN: We're gonna be heroes!
*they start rushing down the street when CYRAN stops*
CYRAN: Hey, weren't there some people in there, too?
*all the ammo in the store detonates at once*
KUJA: Not anymore.
CYRAN: Oh well. Can't be helped now.
*KUJA checks his watch*
KUJA: Let's go. We've gotta get everything set up before the crowd arrives.
*CUT TO: STRAVO and the others*
STRAVO: Well, if all our lives are going to end, I say we get one last drink.
LT: I'm with that.
ZAIA: Oh hell, why not. Then I can die drunk and surrounded by guys.
*they start to walk towards the nearest bar when a piece of paper is blown across the street into DALTON'S face. He grabs it and is about to throw it away when he stops and reads it*
DALTON: Guys! I've saved the day!
OTHERS: Huh?
DALTON: *reads* Come to the ultimate rave tonight on top of the Empire State Building. Beer, snacks, and music courtesy of Black Magic Ltd. The night will conclude with the greatest fireworks show ever seen in Washington DC.
LT: Washington? But we're in New York.
*a beat*
STRAVO: Oh shit.
ZAIA: Well, it's obviously too late to stop them, since it's already after sundown. Let's just grab a drink.
DALTON: But if we go to the rave and fail anyway, we can still get drunk and die in the middle of a party!
STRAVO: Yeah, it's win-win!
ZAIA: OK, let's go!
LT: Party time!
*fade out*
Part 27: Raves Are Cool
KUJA: Ready?
CYRAN: Ready to rock.
KUJA: YOU ALL READY, FOLKS?
CROWD: YEAH!
KUJA: Then let's get this party started!
*KUJA throws a massive switch, and the camera suddenly zooms out to capture the top of the Empire State Building as fireworks erupt, followed by a blitz of strobe lights and swinging laser beams. Ludicrously loud techno music can be heard. CUT TO the street just before the Empire State*
DALTON: Looks like we're gonna be late.
STRAVO: Well, let's hurry!
ZAIA: Guys! I need a rest!
LT: It's okay, I'll carry you!
STRAVO: No way! I will!
*DALTON picks up ZAIA and stampedes off*
DALTON: See you later, alligator!
STRAVO: Hey!
LT: Get back here!
*CUT TO: the Empire State's observation lounge-turned-party central. STRAVO throws open the door. ZAIA blinks in the lights. CYRAN pops out of nowhere*
CYRAN: Hey, folks! How are you'all doing!
LT: We wanna join the party!
CYRAN: Sure thing El-tee! You just gotta pay ten bucks!
DALTON: What?
CYRAN: Well, we've gotta pay for the beer and music somehow, right?
*they all pay up*
ZAIA: Kuja's not getting tanked again, is he?
CYRAN: Nah. He's on the wagon tonight.
LT: Party time!
*he disappears into the crowd*
ZAIA: Oh, for-
CYRAN: Heh, he should enjoy himself. Anyway, have a good time folks! And be sure to stick around for the big display at midnight!
*he turns and heads into the crowd*
STRAVO: So, who wants a drink?
DALTON: Me!
STRAVO: Z?
ZAIA: I'm gong to go find Kuja and make sure he's staying out of trouble.
STRAVO: OK, see you in a few. Come on, Rob.
*they make their way towards the bar. ZAIA starts to wander off when a rapidly moving form wraps itself around her*
MARINA: HIIIIIIIIIIIII!
ZAIA: ACK! Marina, quit it! What are you doing here?
MARINA: Having fun, duh!
ZAIA: You're on something, aren't you?
MARINA: Uh-huh!
ZAIA: Well, go have fun somewhere else, okay?
MARINA: Okay!
*she skips off. ZAIA shivers, then starts looking. She spots KUJA in the middle of a crowd of women, speaking. She elbows her way closer*
KUJA: ...so you see ladies, the trick is to show up with your clothes ON!
*all laugh*
ZAIA: Hey!
KUJA: Oh, hi! I didn't think you were coming!
ZAIA: Well, now you're coming...with me!
*she grabs KUJA by the hair*
KUJA: OW! Stop that!
GIRL: Hey, what are you doing to the host?
ZAIA: He and I need a talk. Now if you'll excuse us...
*she drags KUJA off by the hair*
KUJA: Ow, ow, owww! Stop it! Stop!
*he finally manages to pull free*
KUJA: What's wrong with you? Can't you just enjoy the dance like everyone else?
ZAIA: It would be a lot easier if I didn't have to shovel snow out of my living room every morning!
KUJA: I apologized for the wall, for god's sake! Can’t you give me a second chance?
ZAIA: Like you deserve one!
*they both spin around, quite angry*
KUJA: Who cares about your stupid wall?
ZAIA: Who cares about your stupid dance?
*silence. They continue standing back-to-back. KUJA stares off into the distance. ZAIA uncrosses her arms, then crosses them again*
ZAIA: Um…
KUJA: I saw this office downstairs-
ZAIA: Let's go!
*she grabs his arm and they run off. CUT TO: STRAVO and DALTON, surrounded by a crowd of women*
DALTON:…so I said 'don't piss off the cemetery caretaker!'
*all laugh*
STRAVO: Now, this is what I call a good time.
DALTON: Good drinks, good music, good company, I must agree.
*a MAN stumbles into their circle, monumentally drunk. He sways a bit, but stays upright. He sneers at STRAVO and DALTON*
MAN: Well, well, well! If it isn't my favorite rabid warsie fuckwits!
BOTH: SCOOTER?!
*fadeout*
KUJA: Ready?
CYRAN: Ready to rock.
KUJA: YOU ALL READY, FOLKS?
CROWD: YEAH!
KUJA: Then let's get this party started!
*KUJA throws a massive switch, and the camera suddenly zooms out to capture the top of the Empire State Building as fireworks erupt, followed by a blitz of strobe lights and swinging laser beams. Ludicrously loud techno music can be heard. CUT TO the street just before the Empire State*
DALTON: Looks like we're gonna be late.
STRAVO: Well, let's hurry!
ZAIA: Guys! I need a rest!
LT: It's okay, I'll carry you!
STRAVO: No way! I will!
*DALTON picks up ZAIA and stampedes off*
DALTON: See you later, alligator!
STRAVO: Hey!
LT: Get back here!
*CUT TO: the Empire State's observation lounge-turned-party central. STRAVO throws open the door. ZAIA blinks in the lights. CYRAN pops out of nowhere*
CYRAN: Hey, folks! How are you'all doing!
LT: We wanna join the party!
CYRAN: Sure thing El-tee! You just gotta pay ten bucks!
DALTON: What?
CYRAN: Well, we've gotta pay for the beer and music somehow, right?
*they all pay up*
ZAIA: Kuja's not getting tanked again, is he?
CYRAN: Nah. He's on the wagon tonight.
LT: Party time!
*he disappears into the crowd*
ZAIA: Oh, for-
CYRAN: Heh, he should enjoy himself. Anyway, have a good time folks! And be sure to stick around for the big display at midnight!
*he turns and heads into the crowd*
STRAVO: So, who wants a drink?
DALTON: Me!
STRAVO: Z?
ZAIA: I'm gong to go find Kuja and make sure he's staying out of trouble.
STRAVO: OK, see you in a few. Come on, Rob.
*they make their way towards the bar. ZAIA starts to wander off when a rapidly moving form wraps itself around her*
MARINA: HIIIIIIIIIIIII!
ZAIA: ACK! Marina, quit it! What are you doing here?
MARINA: Having fun, duh!
ZAIA: You're on something, aren't you?
MARINA: Uh-huh!
ZAIA: Well, go have fun somewhere else, okay?
MARINA: Okay!
*she skips off. ZAIA shivers, then starts looking. She spots KUJA in the middle of a crowd of women, speaking. She elbows her way closer*
KUJA: ...so you see ladies, the trick is to show up with your clothes ON!
*all laugh*
ZAIA: Hey!
KUJA: Oh, hi! I didn't think you were coming!
ZAIA: Well, now you're coming...with me!
*she grabs KUJA by the hair*
KUJA: OW! Stop that!
GIRL: Hey, what are you doing to the host?
ZAIA: He and I need a talk. Now if you'll excuse us...
*she drags KUJA off by the hair*
KUJA: Ow, ow, owww! Stop it! Stop!
*he finally manages to pull free*
KUJA: What's wrong with you? Can't you just enjoy the dance like everyone else?
ZAIA: It would be a lot easier if I didn't have to shovel snow out of my living room every morning!
KUJA: I apologized for the wall, for god's sake! Can’t you give me a second chance?
ZAIA: Like you deserve one!
*they both spin around, quite angry*
KUJA: Who cares about your stupid wall?
ZAIA: Who cares about your stupid dance?
*silence. They continue standing back-to-back. KUJA stares off into the distance. ZAIA uncrosses her arms, then crosses them again*
ZAIA: Um…
KUJA: I saw this office downstairs-
ZAIA: Let's go!
*she grabs his arm and they run off. CUT TO: STRAVO and DALTON, surrounded by a crowd of women*
DALTON:…so I said 'don't piss off the cemetery caretaker!'
*all laugh*
STRAVO: Now, this is what I call a good time.
DALTON: Good drinks, good music, good company, I must agree.
*a MAN stumbles into their circle, monumentally drunk. He sways a bit, but stays upright. He sneers at STRAVO and DALTON*
MAN: Well, well, well! If it isn't my favorite rabid warsie fuckwits!
BOTH: SCOOTER?!
*fadeout*
Part 28: My Favorite Ice Cream Flavor Is Troll-burning Berry
*DALTON and STRAVO dash up to CYRAN*
STRAVO: Cyran, Scooter got in somehow!
DALTON: He's wandering around drunk!
CYRAN: Yeah, I know.
DALTON: You...know?
CYRAN: Uh huh.
STRAVO: What on Earth possessed you to let him in?
CYRAN: Hey, the guy paid his cover charge just like everyone else. If he wants to call me a rabid warsie fuckwit right before handing me a ten-dollar-bill, it's his business. Now then, if you'll excuse me…
*he wanders off*
STRAVO: Warsies and Scooter…interacting…peacefully?
DALTON: Something's going on here.
*KUJA appears on the dance floor and makes his way towards CYRAN*
KUJA: Hey, everything ready?
CYRAN: You bet. *a beat* Hey, did you get a new hat?
KUJA: Uh, no.
CYRAN: Haircut?
KUJA: No...
CYRAN: There's something different about you.
KUJA: Really. Well, we can talk about it later. Gimme the mike.
*ZAIA appears at the bar next to DALTON and STRAVO*
ZAIA: Hi guys!
STRAVO: Well, you're in a good mood all of a sudden.
DALTON: Did you and Kuja finally settle things?
ZAIA: Um...twice.
STRAVO: Wha?
KUJA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
*silence falls*
KUJA: THANK YOU FOR ATTENDING THE LAST RAVE EVER IN NEW YORK CITY!
CROWD: YEAH!
STRAVO: Wait a sec-
KUJA: AND NOW, THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
*CYRAN whips off a tarp to reveal the nuke he and Kuja…purchased…earlier in the day*
KUJA: IN JUST A FEW SECONDS, ONE LUCKY RAVER IS GONNA SET THIS BABY OFF!
DALTON: We've gotta stop him!
*they start forward, but are immediately hemmed in by the crowd*
RAVER 1: Hey, quit jostling!
STRAVO: I can't move!
RAVER 2: Shut up!
KUJA: SO, WHO WANTS TO PUSH THE BUTTON?
*the crowd goes nuts*
KUJA: WELL, WE HAVE TO CHOOSE JUST ONE OF YOU, SO I HAD MY BUDDY CYRAN THROW ALL YOUR NAMES IN A HAT! LET'S SEE WHO THE LUCKY GUY OR GAL IS!
*he messes around in an upturned hat for a moment and pulls out a scrap of paper*
KUJA: AND THE WINNER IS...ROBERT SCOTT ANDERSON!
SCOOTER: WHOOHOO!
*he begins making his way towards the stage*
SCOOTER: I can't believe it! This is awesome! I've never won absolutely anything in my entire life!
*DALTON sniggers*
SCOOTER: Besides every one of my debates, of course, fuckwit!
DALTON: Yeah, of course.
SCOOTER: Concession accepted, you-
KUJA: SCOOTER, GET UP HERE!
*he scrambles up*
KUJA: CONGRATULATIONS, PAL! NOW, HIT THE SWITCH!
SCOOTER: I AM A GOLDEN GOD!
*he throws the switch. The nuke starts rumbling, then another rocket bursts out of the floor, nails him in the crotch, and carries him up into the air. Everyone watches as the rocket soars up, then explodes into a pretty fireworks display. A screaming human form engulfed in flame drops from the sky. It continues screaming until it caroms off another skyscraper, then drops silently until it lands on some power lines. Electricity sizzles and the victim starts screaming again. Finally, he falls off the lines and into a passing truck full of rock salt. The truck dumps its load, including him, onto the street. Slowly, the screaming subsides and the figure sits up*
SCOOTER: I AM INVINCIBLE!
*then he gets his head taken off by a passing pickup truck that just happens to be driven by a group of half-drunk women and stormtroopers. The crowd cheers*
KUJA: NOW, LET'S REALLY PARTY!
*the music starts up even louder. KUJA leaves the nuke and makes his way over to the others*
DALTON: You got all this cooked up just so you could kill off Scooter?
KUJA: Oh no, I'm really gonna set the nuke off.
STRAVO: What?!
KUJA: I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Yes, I really did do all this just to off Scooter.
DALTON: Well, done, then.
*STRAVO roughly drops a hand on KUJA'S shoulder*
STRAVO: Now that that's all out of the way, let's go discuss the particulars of you and Zaia being friends again.
DALTON: Yes. Let's.
KUJA: Um...is it too late to make my will out?
BOTH: Yes.
*KUJA hangs his head*
*DALTON and STRAVO dash up to CYRAN*
STRAVO: Cyran, Scooter got in somehow!
DALTON: He's wandering around drunk!
CYRAN: Yeah, I know.
DALTON: You...know?
CYRAN: Uh huh.
STRAVO: What on Earth possessed you to let him in?
CYRAN: Hey, the guy paid his cover charge just like everyone else. If he wants to call me a rabid warsie fuckwit right before handing me a ten-dollar-bill, it's his business. Now then, if you'll excuse me…
*he wanders off*
STRAVO: Warsies and Scooter…interacting…peacefully?
DALTON: Something's going on here.
*KUJA appears on the dance floor and makes his way towards CYRAN*
KUJA: Hey, everything ready?
CYRAN: You bet. *a beat* Hey, did you get a new hat?
KUJA: Uh, no.
CYRAN: Haircut?
KUJA: No...
CYRAN: There's something different about you.
KUJA: Really. Well, we can talk about it later. Gimme the mike.
*ZAIA appears at the bar next to DALTON and STRAVO*
ZAIA: Hi guys!
STRAVO: Well, you're in a good mood all of a sudden.
DALTON: Did you and Kuja finally settle things?
ZAIA: Um...twice.
STRAVO: Wha?
KUJA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
*silence falls*
KUJA: THANK YOU FOR ATTENDING THE LAST RAVE EVER IN NEW YORK CITY!
CROWD: YEAH!
STRAVO: Wait a sec-
KUJA: AND NOW, THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
*CYRAN whips off a tarp to reveal the nuke he and Kuja…purchased…earlier in the day*
KUJA: IN JUST A FEW SECONDS, ONE LUCKY RAVER IS GONNA SET THIS BABY OFF!
DALTON: We've gotta stop him!
*they start forward, but are immediately hemmed in by the crowd*
RAVER 1: Hey, quit jostling!
STRAVO: I can't move!
RAVER 2: Shut up!
KUJA: SO, WHO WANTS TO PUSH THE BUTTON?
*the crowd goes nuts*
KUJA: WELL, WE HAVE TO CHOOSE JUST ONE OF YOU, SO I HAD MY BUDDY CYRAN THROW ALL YOUR NAMES IN A HAT! LET'S SEE WHO THE LUCKY GUY OR GAL IS!
*he messes around in an upturned hat for a moment and pulls out a scrap of paper*
KUJA: AND THE WINNER IS...ROBERT SCOTT ANDERSON!
SCOOTER: WHOOHOO!
*he begins making his way towards the stage*
SCOOTER: I can't believe it! This is awesome! I've never won absolutely anything in my entire life!
*DALTON sniggers*
SCOOTER: Besides every one of my debates, of course, fuckwit!
DALTON: Yeah, of course.
SCOOTER: Concession accepted, you-
KUJA: SCOOTER, GET UP HERE!
*he scrambles up*
KUJA: CONGRATULATIONS, PAL! NOW, HIT THE SWITCH!
SCOOTER: I AM A GOLDEN GOD!
*he throws the switch. The nuke starts rumbling, then another rocket bursts out of the floor, nails him in the crotch, and carries him up into the air. Everyone watches as the rocket soars up, then explodes into a pretty fireworks display. A screaming human form engulfed in flame drops from the sky. It continues screaming until it caroms off another skyscraper, then drops silently until it lands on some power lines. Electricity sizzles and the victim starts screaming again. Finally, he falls off the lines and into a passing truck full of rock salt. The truck dumps its load, including him, onto the street. Slowly, the screaming subsides and the figure sits up*
SCOOTER: I AM INVINCIBLE!
*then he gets his head taken off by a passing pickup truck that just happens to be driven by a group of half-drunk women and stormtroopers. The crowd cheers*
KUJA: NOW, LET'S REALLY PARTY!
*the music starts up even louder. KUJA leaves the nuke and makes his way over to the others*
DALTON: You got all this cooked up just so you could kill off Scooter?
KUJA: Oh no, I'm really gonna set the nuke off.
STRAVO: What?!
KUJA: I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Yes, I really did do all this just to off Scooter.
DALTON: Well, done, then.
*STRAVO roughly drops a hand on KUJA'S shoulder*
STRAVO: Now that that's all out of the way, let's go discuss the particulars of you and Zaia being friends again.
DALTON: Yes. Let's.
KUJA: Um...is it too late to make my will out?
BOTH: Yes.
*KUJA hangs his head*
Wherever you go, there you are.
Ripped Shirt Monkey - BOTMWriter's Guild Cybertron's Finest Justice League
This updated sig brought to you by JME2
Ripped Shirt Monkey - BOTMWriter's Guild Cybertron's Finest Justice League
This updated sig brought to you by JME2
Part 29: I Couldn't Think of a Good Name So This Is All There Is
*open up on STRAVO'S bedroom, early morning. He sits up, yawns, and goes to get dressed. He brushes his teeth, scarfs down some breakfast, and goes out the door. He emerges into a massive nuclear wasteland*
KUJA: Sorry, but I couldn't resist!
STRAVO: NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*cut to the bedroom as STRAVO sits bolt upright in bed and slaps himself once or twice*
STRAVO: Oh man...what the hell did I do last night?
*another lump on the bed sits up*
DALTON: I'd like to know that myself.
*a long silence as STRAVO and DALTON slowly turn to face each other*
BOTH: YYYYYAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
*STRAVO rolls out of bed, runs to the door, throws it open, and runs out. DALTON rolls out of bed, runs to the door, closes it, and smashes through. Moments pass, and a third figure sits up*
ZAIA: Guys...I know I don't look my best in the morning, but was all that really necessary?
*cut to the living room. ZAIA wanders in to find the nuke lying on the floor. She looks at it, then shrugs and continues searching. She finds STRAVO in the kitchen attempting to drown himself in the sink and drags him away*
ZAIA: Now where's Rob?
STRAVO: Can you let go of my collar now?
*a rumble*
ZAIA: Did you hear that?
STRAVO: Sounds like it came from the fridge.
*ZAIA opens the door to find that DALTON has somehow stuffed himself in between the shelves and is gnawing on a donut*
STRAVO: HEY! That's my emergency rations!
DALTON: It was an emergency!
STRAVO: Get out of my refrigerator!
*ZAIA sighs and wanders back out into living room and sits down on the couch. Angry shouts and several crashes emanate from the kitchen. ZAIA sits for a bit, then frowns and tilts her head slightly. She leaves the couch and puts her ear to the nuke*
ZAIA: Stravo?
STRAVO: What?
ZAIA: The nuke is snoring!
STRAVO: What nuke?
ZAIA: Get in here!
*STRAVO enters, followed by DALTON*
STRAVO: Why is there a nuclear weapon sitting in my living room?
DALTON: And why is it snoring?
*the nuke grunts. STRAVO leaps back*
STRAVO: It moved!
ZAIA: Is this thing alive?
*banging sounds from inside the nuke*
DALTON: It's going to go off!
*all three grab each other*
ALL: THIS IS THE END!
*a panel on top of the nuke flies open and KUJA sticks his head out. He yawns and stretches*
KUJA: *brightly* G'morning everyone! *a pause* What's with the group hug?
DALTON: You slept in the nuke?
KUJA: Uh huh!
STRAVO: For God's sake, why?
KUJA: Uh...well, I figured that I if wasn't going to set it off, this would be the next best thing.
ZAIA: You jerk! Do you realize what kind of shock you gave us?
KUJA: Certainly not an electric one. The EMP on this baby would've handled it.
ZAIA: That's it!
*she launches herself at KUJA and they both fall inside the nuke, the panel falling shut after them. Several loud crashes and screeching begin. The nuke suddenly rocks and an impression of KUJA'S body appears in the side. Someone rings the doorbell and STRAVO answers it to find his NEIGHBOR standing there*
NEIGHBOR: When are you going to stop strangling those poor cats?
*STRAVO slams the door in his face*
DALTON: Stravo!
STRAVO: What now?
DALTON: The nuke's rolling towards the balcony!
STRAVO: Oh no.
*freeze*
*open up on STRAVO'S bedroom, early morning. He sits up, yawns, and goes to get dressed. He brushes his teeth, scarfs down some breakfast, and goes out the door. He emerges into a massive nuclear wasteland*
KUJA: Sorry, but I couldn't resist!
STRAVO: NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*cut to the bedroom as STRAVO sits bolt upright in bed and slaps himself once or twice*
STRAVO: Oh man...what the hell did I do last night?
*another lump on the bed sits up*
DALTON: I'd like to know that myself.
*a long silence as STRAVO and DALTON slowly turn to face each other*
BOTH: YYYYYAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
*STRAVO rolls out of bed, runs to the door, throws it open, and runs out. DALTON rolls out of bed, runs to the door, closes it, and smashes through. Moments pass, and a third figure sits up*
ZAIA: Guys...I know I don't look my best in the morning, but was all that really necessary?
*cut to the living room. ZAIA wanders in to find the nuke lying on the floor. She looks at it, then shrugs and continues searching. She finds STRAVO in the kitchen attempting to drown himself in the sink and drags him away*
ZAIA: Now where's Rob?
STRAVO: Can you let go of my collar now?
*a rumble*
ZAIA: Did you hear that?
STRAVO: Sounds like it came from the fridge.
*ZAIA opens the door to find that DALTON has somehow stuffed himself in between the shelves and is gnawing on a donut*
STRAVO: HEY! That's my emergency rations!
DALTON: It was an emergency!
STRAVO: Get out of my refrigerator!
*ZAIA sighs and wanders back out into living room and sits down on the couch. Angry shouts and several crashes emanate from the kitchen. ZAIA sits for a bit, then frowns and tilts her head slightly. She leaves the couch and puts her ear to the nuke*
ZAIA: Stravo?
STRAVO: What?
ZAIA: The nuke is snoring!
STRAVO: What nuke?
ZAIA: Get in here!
*STRAVO enters, followed by DALTON*
STRAVO: Why is there a nuclear weapon sitting in my living room?
DALTON: And why is it snoring?
*the nuke grunts. STRAVO leaps back*
STRAVO: It moved!
ZAIA: Is this thing alive?
*banging sounds from inside the nuke*
DALTON: It's going to go off!
*all three grab each other*
ALL: THIS IS THE END!
*a panel on top of the nuke flies open and KUJA sticks his head out. He yawns and stretches*
KUJA: *brightly* G'morning everyone! *a pause* What's with the group hug?
DALTON: You slept in the nuke?
KUJA: Uh huh!
STRAVO: For God's sake, why?
KUJA: Uh...well, I figured that I if wasn't going to set it off, this would be the next best thing.
ZAIA: You jerk! Do you realize what kind of shock you gave us?
KUJA: Certainly not an electric one. The EMP on this baby would've handled it.
ZAIA: That's it!
*she launches herself at KUJA and they both fall inside the nuke, the panel falling shut after them. Several loud crashes and screeching begin. The nuke suddenly rocks and an impression of KUJA'S body appears in the side. Someone rings the doorbell and STRAVO answers it to find his NEIGHBOR standing there*
NEIGHBOR: When are you going to stop strangling those poor cats?
*STRAVO slams the door in his face*
DALTON: Stravo!
STRAVO: What now?
DALTON: The nuke's rolling towards the balcony!
STRAVO: Oh no.
*freeze*
Wherever you go, there you are.
Ripped Shirt Monkey - BOTMWriter's Guild Cybertron's Finest Justice League
This updated sig brought to you by JME2
Ripped Shirt Monkey - BOTMWriter's Guild Cybertron's Finest Justice League
This updated sig brought to you by JME2
Part 30: Hard Hat Zone
*unfreeze*
STRAVO: Don't let it go out the window!
DALTON: Too late!
*the nuke rolls into the glass and stops*
BOTH: Whew...
*the nuke suddenly leaps into the air, does a complete spin, then smashes through the glass and begins falling. Both men freak out and rush to the edge of the balcony*
STRAVO: What on Earth are they DOING in there?
*cut to inside the nuke*
KUJA: My mama always said never to hit a lady, even if she hits you first, but I don't think she could've seen this coming. THUNDER!
*KUJA flings an electrical bolt at ZAIA that bounces off the nuke casing and back towards him. He yelps and ducks. The bolt slams into a circuit panel and shorts it out*
ZAIA: Don't do that in here!
KUJA: Fine!
*he pulls out his sledgehammer*
KUJA: Hold still!
*cut to the sidewalk, where CYRAN is buying a hamburger*
CYRAN: Nice stand.
OWNER: Thanks. I used to operate a fruit stand, but someone wrecked it.
CYRAN: Boy, what kind of jerk would do that?
*a shadow appears on his head and begins to grow. Cut to the balcony*
STRAVO: Please don't go off, please don't go off, PLEASE don't go off...
DALTON: God, I know you and I give each other a lot of shit, but I do believe in you, I really do!
*a sunbeam breaks through the clouds and shines down on DALTON*
HEAVENLY VOICE: No you don't, you liar.
DALTON: Fine, you don't need to get all pissy about it!
VOICE: Bitch.
*the sunbeam disappears*
DALTON: That asshole always needs to get the last word.
*cut to CYRAN*
CYRAN: So, did you ever catch the guy who wasted your old stand?
OWNER: No. He just took off.
CYRAN: Man, that sucks.
*the shadow continues growing. Pan up to the nuke, which suddenly flips so that it's falling tail first. STRAVO and DALTON breath a sigh of relief*
DALTON: Maybe it won't go off now.
*the nuke flips back. STRAVO grabs DALTON by the neck and shakes him*
STRAVO: You had to open your mouth, didn't you?!
*cut to CYRAN, who is now covered in shadow*
CYRAN: Boy, all of a sudden it looks like rain, doesn't it?
*the nuke falls straight towards CYRAN, then at the last minute throws itself to the side, demolishing the burger stand*
OWNER: Not again! I give up!
*STRAVO and DALTON come rushing down the stairs*
STRAVO: Are you okay, Cyran?
CYRAN: Oh yeah...I think I might've changed the color of my robes, though...
DALTON: Is it safe, do you think?
*the panel flies open and KUJA comes scrambling out, juggling a glowing object*
KUJA: HOT! HOT HOT! TOO HOT!
*ZAIA pokes her head out*
ZAIA: Ditch it!
KUJA: OW! HOT!
DALTON: What the-
CYRAN: Is he juggling a uranium rod?
KUJA: YES! HOT!
HYPERION: Oh, I'll take that. I've dealt with these things before.
*KUJA flips HYPERION the rod and he walks off, totally ignorant of the gouts of smoke erupting from his palm. KUJA begins frantically blowing on his hands*
KUJA: HOT! HOT!
CYRAN: Hang on, buddy!
*he douses KUJA'S hands with Coke. KUJA'S eyes bug out and he goes flying high up with a screech*
CYRAN: Whoops.
*ZAIA crawls out of the nuke and immediately merits a catcall from across the street*
STRAVO: Hey!
DALTON: Bastard!
CYRAN: Shut up!
*all three rush over to beat on the guy who whistled*
ZAIA: Ah, the joys and perils of being popular.
*she sighs and holds her hands out. KUJA comes down out of the sky and lands right in her arms, smoke still trailing from his hands*
KUJA: Nice catch.
ZAIA: Um, thanks. Are you all right?
KUJA: Sure. One thing, though?
ZAIA: What?
KUJA: Can you kiss my hands and make them all better?
*she drops him*
KUJA: Ouch.
*unfreeze*
STRAVO: Don't let it go out the window!
DALTON: Too late!
*the nuke rolls into the glass and stops*
BOTH: Whew...
*the nuke suddenly leaps into the air, does a complete spin, then smashes through the glass and begins falling. Both men freak out and rush to the edge of the balcony*
STRAVO: What on Earth are they DOING in there?
*cut to inside the nuke*
KUJA: My mama always said never to hit a lady, even if she hits you first, but I don't think she could've seen this coming. THUNDER!
*KUJA flings an electrical bolt at ZAIA that bounces off the nuke casing and back towards him. He yelps and ducks. The bolt slams into a circuit panel and shorts it out*
ZAIA: Don't do that in here!
KUJA: Fine!
*he pulls out his sledgehammer*
KUJA: Hold still!
*cut to the sidewalk, where CYRAN is buying a hamburger*
CYRAN: Nice stand.
OWNER: Thanks. I used to operate a fruit stand, but someone wrecked it.
CYRAN: Boy, what kind of jerk would do that?
*a shadow appears on his head and begins to grow. Cut to the balcony*
STRAVO: Please don't go off, please don't go off, PLEASE don't go off...
DALTON: God, I know you and I give each other a lot of shit, but I do believe in you, I really do!
*a sunbeam breaks through the clouds and shines down on DALTON*
HEAVENLY VOICE: No you don't, you liar.
DALTON: Fine, you don't need to get all pissy about it!
VOICE: Bitch.
*the sunbeam disappears*
DALTON: That asshole always needs to get the last word.
*cut to CYRAN*
CYRAN: So, did you ever catch the guy who wasted your old stand?
OWNER: No. He just took off.
CYRAN: Man, that sucks.
*the shadow continues growing. Pan up to the nuke, which suddenly flips so that it's falling tail first. STRAVO and DALTON breath a sigh of relief*
DALTON: Maybe it won't go off now.
*the nuke flips back. STRAVO grabs DALTON by the neck and shakes him*
STRAVO: You had to open your mouth, didn't you?!
*cut to CYRAN, who is now covered in shadow*
CYRAN: Boy, all of a sudden it looks like rain, doesn't it?
*the nuke falls straight towards CYRAN, then at the last minute throws itself to the side, demolishing the burger stand*
OWNER: Not again! I give up!
*STRAVO and DALTON come rushing down the stairs*
STRAVO: Are you okay, Cyran?
CYRAN: Oh yeah...I think I might've changed the color of my robes, though...
DALTON: Is it safe, do you think?
*the panel flies open and KUJA comes scrambling out, juggling a glowing object*
KUJA: HOT! HOT HOT! TOO HOT!
*ZAIA pokes her head out*
ZAIA: Ditch it!
KUJA: OW! HOT!
DALTON: What the-
CYRAN: Is he juggling a uranium rod?
KUJA: YES! HOT!
HYPERION: Oh, I'll take that. I've dealt with these things before.
*KUJA flips HYPERION the rod and he walks off, totally ignorant of the gouts of smoke erupting from his palm. KUJA begins frantically blowing on his hands*
KUJA: HOT! HOT!
CYRAN: Hang on, buddy!
*he douses KUJA'S hands with Coke. KUJA'S eyes bug out and he goes flying high up with a screech*
CYRAN: Whoops.
*ZAIA crawls out of the nuke and immediately merits a catcall from across the street*
STRAVO: Hey!
DALTON: Bastard!
CYRAN: Shut up!
*all three rush over to beat on the guy who whistled*
ZAIA: Ah, the joys and perils of being popular.
*she sighs and holds her hands out. KUJA comes down out of the sky and lands right in her arms, smoke still trailing from his hands*
KUJA: Nice catch.
ZAIA: Um, thanks. Are you all right?
KUJA: Sure. One thing, though?
ZAIA: What?
KUJA: Can you kiss my hands and make them all better?
*she drops him*
KUJA: Ouch.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Ripped Shirt Monkey - BOTMWriter's Guild Cybertron's Finest Justice League
This updated sig brought to you by JME2
Ripped Shirt Monkey - BOTMWriter's Guild Cybertron's Finest Justice League
This updated sig brought to you by JME2
Chapter 31: The Search Begins, Part One
"Hey," Zaia asked.
"Yeah?"
"Does something feel different to you?"
Kuja shrugged and continued washing his hands in the cold water. "Like what?"
"I don't know...something."
"Well, if you put your finger on it, let me know." There was a short silence, then Kuja turned to scrutinize the calendar.
"What are you doing?" Zaia asked.
"Checking what time of the month it is," he said.
"You bastard!" she snapped. She grabbed a nearby steak knife and moved to fillet him.
"I had a dream about you last night," he mentioned casually. She stopped short.
"Really?"
"Yep. I woke up cuddling the main circuit board, in fact."
"Awwwwwww! That's so sweet!" she said with a grin. Then she set the knife down and threw her arms around Kuja for a big hug.
All too easy, he thought with a diabolical grin.
Meanwhile in the living room, Stravo was trying to figure out what was wrong. Something had been bothering him since he got up, and it wasn't the fact that he'd ended up in bed with Dalton and Zaia with no knowledge of how he'd done it. It wasn't the fact that Dalton had helped himself to his emergency donuts, either. Of course, that did bother him a bit, especially since Dalton was doing it again right now. Hey, wait a minute- "Asshole, what do you think you're doing?!" he snapped. "Stop eating my donuts!
Dalton looked up guiltily. "Bu' 'ere je'y fid," he said around a mouthful. Stravo sighed and resigned himself to buying another box tomorrow.
"Mr. Mortis," a third voice said. "Rigor mortis, Mr. Happy, flesh rocket, pitching a tent, purple-headed yogurt slinger-"
"Cyran," Stravo said.
Several clangs came from inside the nuke, which the two black mages had dragged back up to the apartment, saying that a nuke was a terrible thing to waste. A moment later, Cyran poked his head out.
"Yo," he said.
"What are you doing?"
"Just working on this baby," he said. "I know I can get her back up to sixty megatons if I get this one part back in place."
"But what's with rattling off penis nicknames?"
"Oh, that. It helps me concentrate." Cyran's head disappeared back inside the nuke.
"Cockrocket," he said a moment later. "Wang, willy, hoohoodly."
Stravo sighed. It was going to be a long day. "Dalton."
"I 'i'n't 'o 't!"
"Swallow, Rob."
Dalton took a gulp. "What is it?"
"Rob, check off the names on this list, all right?"
"Uh, okay."
"Kuja's in the kitchen washing his burns."
"Check."
"Zaia's in there to make sure he doesn't pull another nuclear prank or get drunk off my beer."
"Check."
"Cyran's in the nuke, doing god-knows-what and belting out synonyms for the male anatomy."
"Redwood, woody woopecker," Cyran said right on cue.
"Check."
"You and me are here, counting folks and eating my donuts."
"Check...yum."
"So Rob, where's the El-tee?"
Dalton's hand froze en route to the box of donuts. Slowly, he looked up at Stravo. "Insane?" he tried.
"Cute Rob, but you know that's not what I mean."
"I don't know."
"Does that frighten you as much as it does me?" Dalton shuddered and crammed another donut into his mouth. "I guess so." He turned towards the kitchen. "Hey, Zaia?"
"Just a second!"
"Dick, dork, one-eyed monster, the impregnator" Cyran said.
She appeared a few moments later, looking more than a little disheveled. "What's up?"
"What the hell-"
"Never mind that," she said. "What's going on?
"You've got the El-tee's number, right?"
She stared at him. "I've never threatened-
"I mean his PHONE number."
"Oh, that. Yeah."
"Can you call him?"
"Sure thing." She found her cell phone and turned it on.
"Prick."
She looked up. "What?"
"Hairy canary."
Stravo kicked the side of the nuke. There was a loud clang and Cyran suddenly swore in florid Buffaloian style. "Cock ass Dolphin fucking slut Cowboy bitch shit Gregg Williams!"
"Shut up!" Stravo snapped, and the torrent of verbal abuse ceased. Zaia quietly dialed and listened for a moment.
"It's busy," she finally said. "He must be using his head for something else."
"I don't know weather to laugh at that or be even more afraid," Stravo commented. Dalton grabbed, crammed, chewed, and gulped. Kuja walked in from the kitchen. Actually, walked wasn't exactly the right word. Sauntered was more like it.
"So what's up?" he asked. Stravo informed him. He shrugged lazily. "Ah, that's no big deal. I can track him down."
"You can?" Stravo asked.
"You bet. It'll be easier than a ten-dollar whore at a truckers' convention."
Zaia rolled her eyes.
"Boner, erector, arrow of love," Cyran contributed.
"Hey," Zaia asked.
"Yeah?"
"Does something feel different to you?"
Kuja shrugged and continued washing his hands in the cold water. "Like what?"
"I don't know...something."
"Well, if you put your finger on it, let me know." There was a short silence, then Kuja turned to scrutinize the calendar.
"What are you doing?" Zaia asked.
"Checking what time of the month it is," he said.
"You bastard!" she snapped. She grabbed a nearby steak knife and moved to fillet him.
"I had a dream about you last night," he mentioned casually. She stopped short.
"Really?"
"Yep. I woke up cuddling the main circuit board, in fact."
"Awwwwwww! That's so sweet!" she said with a grin. Then she set the knife down and threw her arms around Kuja for a big hug.
All too easy, he thought with a diabolical grin.
Meanwhile in the living room, Stravo was trying to figure out what was wrong. Something had been bothering him since he got up, and it wasn't the fact that he'd ended up in bed with Dalton and Zaia with no knowledge of how he'd done it. It wasn't the fact that Dalton had helped himself to his emergency donuts, either. Of course, that did bother him a bit, especially since Dalton was doing it again right now. Hey, wait a minute- "Asshole, what do you think you're doing?!" he snapped. "Stop eating my donuts!
Dalton looked up guiltily. "Bu' 'ere je'y fid," he said around a mouthful. Stravo sighed and resigned himself to buying another box tomorrow.
"Mr. Mortis," a third voice said. "Rigor mortis, Mr. Happy, flesh rocket, pitching a tent, purple-headed yogurt slinger-"
"Cyran," Stravo said.
Several clangs came from inside the nuke, which the two black mages had dragged back up to the apartment, saying that a nuke was a terrible thing to waste. A moment later, Cyran poked his head out.
"Yo," he said.
"What are you doing?"
"Just working on this baby," he said. "I know I can get her back up to sixty megatons if I get this one part back in place."
"But what's with rattling off penis nicknames?"
"Oh, that. It helps me concentrate." Cyran's head disappeared back inside the nuke.
"Cockrocket," he said a moment later. "Wang, willy, hoohoodly."
Stravo sighed. It was going to be a long day. "Dalton."
"I 'i'n't 'o 't!"
"Swallow, Rob."
Dalton took a gulp. "What is it?"
"Rob, check off the names on this list, all right?"
"Uh, okay."
"Kuja's in the kitchen washing his burns."
"Check."
"Zaia's in there to make sure he doesn't pull another nuclear prank or get drunk off my beer."
"Check."
"Cyran's in the nuke, doing god-knows-what and belting out synonyms for the male anatomy."
"Redwood, woody woopecker," Cyran said right on cue.
"Check."
"You and me are here, counting folks and eating my donuts."
"Check...yum."
"So Rob, where's the El-tee?"
Dalton's hand froze en route to the box of donuts. Slowly, he looked up at Stravo. "Insane?" he tried.
"Cute Rob, but you know that's not what I mean."
"I don't know."
"Does that frighten you as much as it does me?" Dalton shuddered and crammed another donut into his mouth. "I guess so." He turned towards the kitchen. "Hey, Zaia?"
"Just a second!"
"Dick, dork, one-eyed monster, the impregnator" Cyran said.
She appeared a few moments later, looking more than a little disheveled. "What's up?"
"What the hell-"
"Never mind that," she said. "What's going on?
"You've got the El-tee's number, right?"
She stared at him. "I've never threatened-
"I mean his PHONE number."
"Oh, that. Yeah."
"Can you call him?"
"Sure thing." She found her cell phone and turned it on.
"Prick."
She looked up. "What?"
"Hairy canary."
Stravo kicked the side of the nuke. There was a loud clang and Cyran suddenly swore in florid Buffaloian style. "Cock ass Dolphin fucking slut Cowboy bitch shit Gregg Williams!"
"Shut up!" Stravo snapped, and the torrent of verbal abuse ceased. Zaia quietly dialed and listened for a moment.
"It's busy," she finally said. "He must be using his head for something else."
"I don't know weather to laugh at that or be even more afraid," Stravo commented. Dalton grabbed, crammed, chewed, and gulped. Kuja walked in from the kitchen. Actually, walked wasn't exactly the right word. Sauntered was more like it.
"So what's up?" he asked. Stravo informed him. He shrugged lazily. "Ah, that's no big deal. I can track him down."
"You can?" Stravo asked.
"You bet. It'll be easier than a ten-dollar whore at a truckers' convention."
Zaia rolled her eyes.
"Boner, erector, arrow of love," Cyran contributed.
Chapter 32: Flames and the Flaming Flamers Who Flame Them
"So where are we going?" Stravo asked.
Kuja jerked a thumb at Cyran, then at himself. "We," he said with emphasis, "are going to meet a contact with the underground. You are going to wait outside. Comprende?"
"Is this guy really going to know where Hit-man went?" Zaia asked.
"It's worth a shot," Cyran said. "And if he doesn't, there's more people we could ask."
It wasn't a very long walk, but in the crowded streets of Manhattan on a warm Sunday morning, it seemed longer. Kuja and Cyran stopped in front of a building and muttered a few words between themselves. "This is it," Kuja announced. "You three wait here. We'll only be a few minutes."
"This old place?" Dalton said, looking up at the dilapidated building.
"Rob, sometimes it's better to just not ask," Cyran said.
The two black mages climbed the stairs until they were near the top of the building. Finally, they arrived at a level that had never really been put to use. Various construction materials lay everywhere, but the building's metal beams were all that stood upright. Most of the windows were boarded up and allowed only a tiny amount of sunlight through. "Verilon?" Kuja asked. A sudden hiss silenced him.
A cloud of darkness began to congeal in front of the two mages. "What is it you want?" a voice hissed. "You've interrupted my sleep, so it had better be worth-"
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Cyran muttered. He stooped and picked up a brick, then hurled it through the cloud.
"OW!" the voice said, and the cloud quickly collapsed into the image of a man holding his temple. "What the hell was that for?!" he snapped.
"We're on a limited schedule, Ver," Kuja said. "We don't have time for your little displays. Now, have you heard anything about the El-tee recently?"
The daywalker snarled and revealed his fangs. "You toss a brick at me and then you want information? Go to hell." He turned around.
"Don't walk away from me, Verilon," Kuja said. The vampire turned.
"What are you going to do? I'm a vampire! You can't hurt me!" He indicated the spot on his head where the brick had nailed him. The small cut was already gone.
The two black mages exchanged a glance. "Difficulties are lessons," Kuja recited, raising his arm.
"Obstacles are challenges," Cyran added, also raising his arm.
"Impossibilities are invitations," Kuja finished. "FIRE THREE!" they said together. A massive ball of flame erupted from their palms and slammed into Verilon. Instantly, the vampire was engulfed in orange flames. He screeched and dropped to the floor to begin rolling.
"Didn't you ever play Final Fantasy, fangboy?" Cyran taunted. "Vampires are weak against fire magic!" The two mages turned and left just as Verilon slammed into a pole. The weakened support collapsed, and all the levels above came crashing down on top of the poor bloodsucker.
"That'll keep him busy for a few days," Kuja said.
"What the hell just happened?" Dalton said as they exited.
"Don't ask," Kuja said. "On to the next contact."
The next stop was cleaner than the previous, but not for lack of trying. Dirty clothes, old computer magazines, and computer parts littered the rug. The lights were dim. The room's long occupant sat hunched over a monitor currently displaying the infamous Blue Screen of Doom. "Fucking Windows XP spyware," the operator said to himself.
Kuja threw the door open. "Yo Crayz!" he said loudly. "We're here."
Crayz jumped high enough to check the wattage in the ceiling light. "Don't do that!" he said as he landed. "This is very delicate equipment!"
"Yeah, sure. Did I hurt your porn stash? Or was it your fantasy football team?"
"It wasn't either of those, it was-" Crayz's face turned beet red. "You'd better have a good reason for coming here!" he said.
Kuja waved a roll of bills. "Hit-man," he said. "Where is he?"
Crayz gestured to the locked-up computer. "I can't help you."
"Well then," Kuja said. "You're useless, aren't you?" As he turned to leave, Cyran caught his eye. Kuja chuckled.
Zaia nearly had a heart attack when she heard shattering glass followed by a scream. Looking up, she saw a burning human figure falling from one of the apartment building's windows and into the Hudson River. She shuddered. "Do you think Kuja and Cyran-" she started.
"Absolutely," Dalton said. Stravo turned to see the two of them coming out the main entrance.
"What the hell-"
"Don't. Ask."
The elevator delivered Kuja and Cyran to their third and final contact. It opened up into a luxurious restaurant straight out of Matrix: Reloaded. At the center table was a bearded man and several bodyguards. "Hey Raoul," Kuja said. "Long time."
"Not long enough," Raoul Duke Jr. muttered. He watched the two mages yank a pair of seats out and drop into them. "So, Mister Kuja. What can I refuse to do for you today?"
"Stop your grandstanding. We want to know where Hit-man is."
"Out of his mind, most likely," Raoul said, pouring himself a glass of wine.
CYRAN: Yeah, but that's not what we mean.
*KUJA turns to look at him*
"Did something just happen?" he asked.
"Yeah," Cyran said. "Felt kind of weird-"
"Yes, yes, yes it's all very weird," Raoul said brusquely. "Now will you two gentlemen please make yourselves go away and cease interrupting my day?"
Kuja didn't budge. "You know Raoul, you've got one heck of a chip on your shoulder that I'd like to knock off," he said.
Raoul wiped his mouth and rose. "You're welcome to try," he said.
Kuja pushed his chair out noisily and stood. With a flick of his fingers, a ball of fire appeared in his hand. "Last chance, bro," he said.
"I'm not your bud, pal, bro, or any other term you might use to suggest familiarity," Raoul snapped.
Kuja shrugged. "Have it your way, then." He chucked the fireball , hitting Raoul squarely in the chest. Almost immediately, the fire went out. "What the hell?"
Raoul grinned smugly. "Magic-retardant long johns, of course."
"Dude!" Kuja said. "That's not cool."
CYRAN: Hey Kuja?
KUJA: Yeah?
CYRAN: He's got a beard.
KUJA: Dude, that's cool!
RAOUL: Merde.
*CUT TO the others on the sidewalk*
DALTON: See, it was this miniature Idiom Switch the whole time!
STRAVO: Why do you carry that thing around, Rob?
DALTON: Keeps things interesting, I guess.
ZAIA: I wish they'd finish whatever they're blowing up and get back down here. They're wasting time.
*CUT TO: the now completely trashed restaurant. Virtually everything is scorched and a few people huddle under tables*
KUJA: Well that was fun.
CYRAN: Yeah, and we even found out where the El-tee is!
KUJA: Yeah, once Raoul warms up a bit, he's a pretty talkative guy, isn't he? Let's go.
*on their way down the stairs, KUJA sees a white cat*
KUJA: Hey, don't look now! Look at him! Furry guy! Looks kind of flammable!
CYRAN: Oh, flammable? I LIKE flammable. What do we do?
*KUJA pulls out a tank of kerosene*
KUJA: Come here, furry guy...
SINGULAR QUARTET: You must think I'm really stupid.
KUJA: I've got cat food.
QUARTET: Where?!
*he dashes over. CUT TO the sidewalk as QUARTET burst through the main lobby doors yammering his head off and engulfed in flames. A nearby WOMAN grabs her cell phone*
WOMAN: Hello, police? I'd like to report a low-flying meteor!
*QUARTET disappears into a nearby alley as KUJA and CYRAN exit, laughing their heads off*
ZAIA: You didn't...did you?
BOTH: DON'T ASK!
STRAVO: Wait a second, shouldn't this have been named The Search Begins, Part 2?
KUJA: Technically yeah, but I liked this better.
"So where are we going?" Stravo asked.
Kuja jerked a thumb at Cyran, then at himself. "We," he said with emphasis, "are going to meet a contact with the underground. You are going to wait outside. Comprende?"
"Is this guy really going to know where Hit-man went?" Zaia asked.
"It's worth a shot," Cyran said. "And if he doesn't, there's more people we could ask."
It wasn't a very long walk, but in the crowded streets of Manhattan on a warm Sunday morning, it seemed longer. Kuja and Cyran stopped in front of a building and muttered a few words between themselves. "This is it," Kuja announced. "You three wait here. We'll only be a few minutes."
"This old place?" Dalton said, looking up at the dilapidated building.
"Rob, sometimes it's better to just not ask," Cyran said.
The two black mages climbed the stairs until they were near the top of the building. Finally, they arrived at a level that had never really been put to use. Various construction materials lay everywhere, but the building's metal beams were all that stood upright. Most of the windows were boarded up and allowed only a tiny amount of sunlight through. "Verilon?" Kuja asked. A sudden hiss silenced him.
A cloud of darkness began to congeal in front of the two mages. "What is it you want?" a voice hissed. "You've interrupted my sleep, so it had better be worth-"
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Cyran muttered. He stooped and picked up a brick, then hurled it through the cloud.
"OW!" the voice said, and the cloud quickly collapsed into the image of a man holding his temple. "What the hell was that for?!" he snapped.
"We're on a limited schedule, Ver," Kuja said. "We don't have time for your little displays. Now, have you heard anything about the El-tee recently?"
The daywalker snarled and revealed his fangs. "You toss a brick at me and then you want information? Go to hell." He turned around.
"Don't walk away from me, Verilon," Kuja said. The vampire turned.
"What are you going to do? I'm a vampire! You can't hurt me!" He indicated the spot on his head where the brick had nailed him. The small cut was already gone.
The two black mages exchanged a glance. "Difficulties are lessons," Kuja recited, raising his arm.
"Obstacles are challenges," Cyran added, also raising his arm.
"Impossibilities are invitations," Kuja finished. "FIRE THREE!" they said together. A massive ball of flame erupted from their palms and slammed into Verilon. Instantly, the vampire was engulfed in orange flames. He screeched and dropped to the floor to begin rolling.
"Didn't you ever play Final Fantasy, fangboy?" Cyran taunted. "Vampires are weak against fire magic!" The two mages turned and left just as Verilon slammed into a pole. The weakened support collapsed, and all the levels above came crashing down on top of the poor bloodsucker.
"That'll keep him busy for a few days," Kuja said.
"What the hell just happened?" Dalton said as they exited.
"Don't ask," Kuja said. "On to the next contact."
The next stop was cleaner than the previous, but not for lack of trying. Dirty clothes, old computer magazines, and computer parts littered the rug. The lights were dim. The room's long occupant sat hunched over a monitor currently displaying the infamous Blue Screen of Doom. "Fucking Windows XP spyware," the operator said to himself.
Kuja threw the door open. "Yo Crayz!" he said loudly. "We're here."
Crayz jumped high enough to check the wattage in the ceiling light. "Don't do that!" he said as he landed. "This is very delicate equipment!"
"Yeah, sure. Did I hurt your porn stash? Or was it your fantasy football team?"
"It wasn't either of those, it was-" Crayz's face turned beet red. "You'd better have a good reason for coming here!" he said.
Kuja waved a roll of bills. "Hit-man," he said. "Where is he?"
Crayz gestured to the locked-up computer. "I can't help you."
"Well then," Kuja said. "You're useless, aren't you?" As he turned to leave, Cyran caught his eye. Kuja chuckled.
Zaia nearly had a heart attack when she heard shattering glass followed by a scream. Looking up, she saw a burning human figure falling from one of the apartment building's windows and into the Hudson River. She shuddered. "Do you think Kuja and Cyran-" she started.
"Absolutely," Dalton said. Stravo turned to see the two of them coming out the main entrance.
"What the hell-"
"Don't. Ask."
The elevator delivered Kuja and Cyran to their third and final contact. It opened up into a luxurious restaurant straight out of Matrix: Reloaded. At the center table was a bearded man and several bodyguards. "Hey Raoul," Kuja said. "Long time."
"Not long enough," Raoul Duke Jr. muttered. He watched the two mages yank a pair of seats out and drop into them. "So, Mister Kuja. What can I refuse to do for you today?"
"Stop your grandstanding. We want to know where Hit-man is."
"Out of his mind, most likely," Raoul said, pouring himself a glass of wine.
CYRAN: Yeah, but that's not what we mean.
*KUJA turns to look at him*
"Did something just happen?" he asked.
"Yeah," Cyran said. "Felt kind of weird-"
"Yes, yes, yes it's all very weird," Raoul said brusquely. "Now will you two gentlemen please make yourselves go away and cease interrupting my day?"
Kuja didn't budge. "You know Raoul, you've got one heck of a chip on your shoulder that I'd like to knock off," he said.
Raoul wiped his mouth and rose. "You're welcome to try," he said.
Kuja pushed his chair out noisily and stood. With a flick of his fingers, a ball of fire appeared in his hand. "Last chance, bro," he said.
"I'm not your bud, pal, bro, or any other term you might use to suggest familiarity," Raoul snapped.
Kuja shrugged. "Have it your way, then." He chucked the fireball , hitting Raoul squarely in the chest. Almost immediately, the fire went out. "What the hell?"
Raoul grinned smugly. "Magic-retardant long johns, of course."
"Dude!" Kuja said. "That's not cool."
CYRAN: Hey Kuja?
KUJA: Yeah?
CYRAN: He's got a beard.
KUJA: Dude, that's cool!
RAOUL: Merde.
*CUT TO the others on the sidewalk*
DALTON: See, it was this miniature Idiom Switch the whole time!
STRAVO: Why do you carry that thing around, Rob?
DALTON: Keeps things interesting, I guess.
ZAIA: I wish they'd finish whatever they're blowing up and get back down here. They're wasting time.
*CUT TO: the now completely trashed restaurant. Virtually everything is scorched and a few people huddle under tables*
KUJA: Well that was fun.
CYRAN: Yeah, and we even found out where the El-tee is!
KUJA: Yeah, once Raoul warms up a bit, he's a pretty talkative guy, isn't he? Let's go.
*on their way down the stairs, KUJA sees a white cat*
KUJA: Hey, don't look now! Look at him! Furry guy! Looks kind of flammable!
CYRAN: Oh, flammable? I LIKE flammable. What do we do?
*KUJA pulls out a tank of kerosene*
KUJA: Come here, furry guy...
SINGULAR QUARTET: You must think I'm really stupid.
KUJA: I've got cat food.
QUARTET: Where?!
*he dashes over. CUT TO the sidewalk as QUARTET burst through the main lobby doors yammering his head off and engulfed in flames. A nearby WOMAN grabs her cell phone*
WOMAN: Hello, police? I'd like to report a low-flying meteor!
*QUARTET disappears into a nearby alley as KUJA and CYRAN exit, laughing their heads off*
ZAIA: You didn't...did you?
BOTH: DON'T ASK!
STRAVO: Wait a second, shouldn't this have been named The Search Begins, Part 2?
KUJA: Technically yeah, but I liked this better.
Part 33A: GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE!
*rapid zoom-in on Earth. A Delta Flyer is desperately evading laser blasts from AYA'S X-wing. The Flyer fires its rear phasers, but does not come even close to scoring a hit. The X-wing fires back and nails the Flyer in its engines. AYA peels off and watches the Flyer tumble into the Earth's atmosphere. CUT TO the cockpit of the Delta Flyer as consoles begin frying*
METRION CASCADE: Shit!
*the Delta Flyer glows red and begins to shake apart before detonating in the upper atmosphere. CUT TO AYA'S cockpit as he begins laughing*
AYA: Chalk up another one. Heh. Hehehe. Ahahahahahaa! Boy, with all this fun I'm having, you'd almost think I was being set up for something!
*he throws his head back and laughs. CUT TO the exterior of his ship as it slams into an asteroid and explodes*
Part 33B: MORE SENSELESS VIOLENCE!
KUJA: Hey, guess what!
VERILON: I hate guessing games.
KUJA: I'm twenty!
VERILON: Oh, great. *mutters* Damn people reaching twenty before I do.
2000AD: Ha hah! Poor Americans! If you lived in the UK, you could drink legally the way I do! Sucks to be you, huh?
*VERILON and KUJA look at each other*
VERILON: Get him.
*they rush 2000AD and flatten him. KUJA drops to his knees and begins punching him in the head. VERILON begins kicking him in the groin over and over*
2000AD: Ow! Ow! Ow! HELP!
CYRAN: Wait, guys! You can't do this?
KUJA: Why not?
*CYRAN whips out a baseball bat with a couple nails in it*
CYRAN: You don't have the proper tools!
2000AD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
*they hammer on 2000AD until he shuts the hell up*
Part 33C: WOOOOOO!
WEEMADANDO: Damn trolls! Die!
*he runs through a pack of trolls and slices them all up with a huge battle-ax. Lots of splattery gore*
LT: Ando, you can't keep this up forever.
ANDO: Why not?
LT: Well…you really wanna end up like him?
MKSHEPPARD: DIE MECHA, DIE DIE DIE!
ANDO: Sure. Beats ending up like him.
EINHANDER: I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE! HE-Y!
*HIT-MAN shudders*
LT: Good point. Oh, watch out!
*he whips out a pistol and fires it into a troll that was sneaking up on ANDO. Brains spray everywhere*
ANDO: KILL THE TROLLS!
*they wade into an army of trolls and slaughter them*
Part 33D: The Explanation
*fade in on STRAVO and DALTON reading a script with horrified expressions*
STRAVO: What the fuck is this? It's got more brain-dead violence than House of 1000 Corpses!
DALTON: And it doesn't even have a plot at all! Hell, the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre had more of a plot than this! What the hell's gone wrong with Kuja?
STRAVO: Let's find out.
*he picks up the phone and dials a number*
STRAVO: Buffalo Psychiatric Institute for the Permanently Unbalanced? What's he doing there? What do you mean, steady diet of action movies and violent games? What have you people DONE to him? Oh, he did it himself, I get it. You're giving him dangerously high doses of Valium? Yeah, that'll probably do it. OK, good luck with the extra straightjackets. Yeah.
*he hangs up*
DALTON: Burn it?
STRAVO: Burn it.
*DALTON sets fire to the papers and accidentally burns the desk down*
DALTON: Whoops.
*rapid zoom-in on Earth. A Delta Flyer is desperately evading laser blasts from AYA'S X-wing. The Flyer fires its rear phasers, but does not come even close to scoring a hit. The X-wing fires back and nails the Flyer in its engines. AYA peels off and watches the Flyer tumble into the Earth's atmosphere. CUT TO the cockpit of the Delta Flyer as consoles begin frying*
METRION CASCADE: Shit!
*the Delta Flyer glows red and begins to shake apart before detonating in the upper atmosphere. CUT TO AYA'S cockpit as he begins laughing*
AYA: Chalk up another one. Heh. Hehehe. Ahahahahahaa! Boy, with all this fun I'm having, you'd almost think I was being set up for something!
*he throws his head back and laughs. CUT TO the exterior of his ship as it slams into an asteroid and explodes*
Part 33B: MORE SENSELESS VIOLENCE!
KUJA: Hey, guess what!
VERILON: I hate guessing games.
KUJA: I'm twenty!
VERILON: Oh, great. *mutters* Damn people reaching twenty before I do.
2000AD: Ha hah! Poor Americans! If you lived in the UK, you could drink legally the way I do! Sucks to be you, huh?
*VERILON and KUJA look at each other*
VERILON: Get him.
*they rush 2000AD and flatten him. KUJA drops to his knees and begins punching him in the head. VERILON begins kicking him in the groin over and over*
2000AD: Ow! Ow! Ow! HELP!
CYRAN: Wait, guys! You can't do this?
KUJA: Why not?
*CYRAN whips out a baseball bat with a couple nails in it*
CYRAN: You don't have the proper tools!
2000AD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
*they hammer on 2000AD until he shuts the hell up*
Part 33C: WOOOOOO!
WEEMADANDO: Damn trolls! Die!
*he runs through a pack of trolls and slices them all up with a huge battle-ax. Lots of splattery gore*
LT: Ando, you can't keep this up forever.
ANDO: Why not?
LT: Well…you really wanna end up like him?
MKSHEPPARD: DIE MECHA, DIE DIE DIE!
ANDO: Sure. Beats ending up like him.
EINHANDER: I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE! HE-Y!
*HIT-MAN shudders*
LT: Good point. Oh, watch out!
*he whips out a pistol and fires it into a troll that was sneaking up on ANDO. Brains spray everywhere*
ANDO: KILL THE TROLLS!
*they wade into an army of trolls and slaughter them*
Part 33D: The Explanation
*fade in on STRAVO and DALTON reading a script with horrified expressions*
STRAVO: What the fuck is this? It's got more brain-dead violence than House of 1000 Corpses!
DALTON: And it doesn't even have a plot at all! Hell, the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre had more of a plot than this! What the hell's gone wrong with Kuja?
STRAVO: Let's find out.
*he picks up the phone and dials a number*
STRAVO: Buffalo Psychiatric Institute for the Permanently Unbalanced? What's he doing there? What do you mean, steady diet of action movies and violent games? What have you people DONE to him? Oh, he did it himself, I get it. You're giving him dangerously high doses of Valium? Yeah, that'll probably do it. OK, good luck with the extra straightjackets. Yeah.
*he hangs up*
DALTON: Burn it?
STRAVO: Burn it.
*DALTON sets fire to the papers and accidentally burns the desk down*
DALTON: Whoops.
Part 34: I'll Worm My Way Into Your Dreams
*open up on deep space*
KUJA (vo): In A.D. 2101...
*the camera pans to reveal a reddish-brown spaceship*
KUJA (vo): War was beginning.
*an explosion erupts from inside the ship. CUT TO: the bridge of the ship*
STRAVO: What happen?
DALTON: Somebody set us up the bomb.
CYRAN: We get signal!
STRAVO: What!
CYRAN: Main screen turn on.
*an image of LT. HIT-MAN materializes*
STRAVO: It's you!
LT: Greetings, gentlemen! All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction.
*STRAVO pounds his fist on the deck*
STRAVO: What you say!
LT: You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha.
*his image disappears. STRAVO assumes a thoughtful pose*
DALTON: Captain, what we do?
STRAVO: You know what you doing. Take off every 'Zig'!
*an image of a fighter appears on the main screen*
STRAVO: For great justice.
*he blinks*
STRAVO: Wait a minute, something's wrong here. People don't talk like this! And where am I? I'm supposed to be in New York doing my job, not in deep space fighting a war!
ZAIA (vo): Stravo?
STRAVO: Zaia? Where are you?
ZAIA: Stravo, can you hear me?
STRAVO: Yes, where are you?
*fade to black and zoom out of STRAVO'S pupil as he lays on the sidewalk. He suddenly shakes his head*
DALTON: Hey, hey, easy! You OK?
STRAVO: Yeah, what happen? I mean, what's going on?
ZAIA: You caught a bit of collateral damage.
STRAVO: From what?
*she looks over at CYRAN and KUJA, both of whom hide a baseball bat behind their backs*
BOTH: WE DIDN'T DO IT!
STRAVO: *grunts* Well, that tells me just about all I need to know.
*he stands*
DALTON: You sure you okay?
STRAVO: Agh!
ZAIA: What? What is it?
STRAVO: It's just that...I had this terrible dream...I was in charge of this junk heap of a spaceship...and there was a war...and things got blown up...and everyone talked really freakin' weird!
*out in the street, a cab suddenly has a head-on collision with a car. Both drivers get out*
NYC DRIVER: You is one hella dead muthafuka! I's is gonna cram my fist up yo ass so hard, you's is gonna be tastin' knuckle!
CAB DRIVER: Oh sir please be believing me when I say to you that it was an accident! I am just arrive in this city and am not meaning to disobey the directions of driving here!
STRAVO: ...on second thought, it wasn't all that weird.
KUJA: Yeah, you'd have to be pretty strange to beat out folks here on Terra Firma.
ZAIA: *mutters* With you being the principle example.
KUJA: What?
ZAIA: I said that when it comes to folks on Terra Firma, you're a fine example.
*KUJA beams*
ZAIA: Now can we get back to what we were doing?
STRAVO: Right...where were we going?
DALTON: Central Park.
STRAVO: OK, I'm good.
Meanwhile, in an area of New York State that was unaffected by Dalton's Idiom Switch for some technobabblish reason, a group of hooded and cloaked figures riding black horses stopped at a gas station. The attendant, although nervous, came out to ask what they needed. A bag of gold coins suddenly hit the ground at his feet. As he stared at it, astonished, one of them hissed "Maaaanhaaaaataaaan...Straaaaaavo."
*open up on deep space*
KUJA (vo): In A.D. 2101...
*the camera pans to reveal a reddish-brown spaceship*
KUJA (vo): War was beginning.
*an explosion erupts from inside the ship. CUT TO: the bridge of the ship*
STRAVO: What happen?
DALTON: Somebody set us up the bomb.
CYRAN: We get signal!
STRAVO: What!
CYRAN: Main screen turn on.
*an image of LT. HIT-MAN materializes*
STRAVO: It's you!
LT: Greetings, gentlemen! All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction.
*STRAVO pounds his fist on the deck*
STRAVO: What you say!
LT: You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha.
*his image disappears. STRAVO assumes a thoughtful pose*
DALTON: Captain, what we do?
STRAVO: You know what you doing. Take off every 'Zig'!
*an image of a fighter appears on the main screen*
STRAVO: For great justice.
*he blinks*
STRAVO: Wait a minute, something's wrong here. People don't talk like this! And where am I? I'm supposed to be in New York doing my job, not in deep space fighting a war!
ZAIA (vo): Stravo?
STRAVO: Zaia? Where are you?
ZAIA: Stravo, can you hear me?
STRAVO: Yes, where are you?
*fade to black and zoom out of STRAVO'S pupil as he lays on the sidewalk. He suddenly shakes his head*
DALTON: Hey, hey, easy! You OK?
STRAVO: Yeah, what happen? I mean, what's going on?
ZAIA: You caught a bit of collateral damage.
STRAVO: From what?
*she looks over at CYRAN and KUJA, both of whom hide a baseball bat behind their backs*
BOTH: WE DIDN'T DO IT!
STRAVO: *grunts* Well, that tells me just about all I need to know.
*he stands*
DALTON: You sure you okay?
STRAVO: Agh!
ZAIA: What? What is it?
STRAVO: It's just that...I had this terrible dream...I was in charge of this junk heap of a spaceship...and there was a war...and things got blown up...and everyone talked really freakin' weird!
*out in the street, a cab suddenly has a head-on collision with a car. Both drivers get out*
NYC DRIVER: You is one hella dead muthafuka! I's is gonna cram my fist up yo ass so hard, you's is gonna be tastin' knuckle!
CAB DRIVER: Oh sir please be believing me when I say to you that it was an accident! I am just arrive in this city and am not meaning to disobey the directions of driving here!
STRAVO: ...on second thought, it wasn't all that weird.
KUJA: Yeah, you'd have to be pretty strange to beat out folks here on Terra Firma.
ZAIA: *mutters* With you being the principle example.
KUJA: What?
ZAIA: I said that when it comes to folks on Terra Firma, you're a fine example.
*KUJA beams*
ZAIA: Now can we get back to what we were doing?
STRAVO: Right...where were we going?
DALTON: Central Park.
STRAVO: OK, I'm good.
Meanwhile, in an area of New York State that was unaffected by Dalton's Idiom Switch for some technobabblish reason, a group of hooded and cloaked figures riding black horses stopped at a gas station. The attendant, although nervous, came out to ask what they needed. A bag of gold coins suddenly hit the ground at his feet. As he stared at it, astonished, one of them hissed "Maaaanhaaaaataaaan...Straaaaaavo."
Part 35: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over!
*OPEN UP on a sidewalk*
CYRAN: Hey Stravo?
STRAVO: What?
CYRAN: Nevermind.
STRAVO: Okay.
*silence*
CYRAN: Hey, Stravo?
STRAVO: Yeah?
CYRAN: Nothing.
*STRAVO sighs*
CYRAN: Hey Strav-
STRAVO: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
*a moment of shocked silence. CYRAN curls up into a ball and begins sobbing*
KUJA: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
STRAVO: But I-
ZAIA: Was that shouting really necessary?
STRAVO: But, but, but, but-
DALTON: Great one! I didn't know you could do sputtering engines! Hey, what do you think of my noisy carburetor?
*he starts to inhale*
KUJA: Stravo, apologize to Cyran before he drowns us all!
STRAVO: Okay, okay! I'm sorry, Cyran.
*CYRAN stands up, totally calm*
CYRAN: Sure thing.
STRAVO: Wait a minute...that was a trick, wasn't it?!
*both Black Mages dissolve into laughter. STRAVO turns red*
STRAVO: Assholes...
ZAIA: Looks like somebody needs a hug.
*the laughter disappears as ZAIA hugs STRAVO. STRAVO looks over at KUJA and CYRAN to see both of them wearing hoods and KUJA holding a noose*
KUJA: Death...
*STRAVO blinks and shakes his head. KUJA and CYRAN go back to normal*
VOICE: I beg your pardon, brother. Can you help me?
DALTON: *turns* Sure, what do you-oh my GOD!
*camera pans to reveal a batch of Warhammer 40,000 SPACE MARINES standing on the sidewalk and towering over DALTON*
CAPTAIN: My brothers and I require your aid. We have been endeavoring to reach Times Square, but upon the way, have become lost. In the name of the Emperor, will you lend us your wisdom?
DALTON: Uh...sure thing.
*several minutes pass as DALTON gives directions*
CAPTAIN: Many thanks, brother Rob! May the Emperor of Man watch over you!
DALTON: Uh-
CAPTAIN: Now, to Times Square!
*the SPACE MARINES charge off*
STRAVO: Um, did anything about that seem…weird…to you guys?
KUJA: Besides the fact that a bunch of ten-foot-tall cyborg religious zealots with weaponry that's a few tens of millennia ahead of ours are running around New York?
STRAVO: No, that's what I meant.
ZAIA: Not to change the subject, but does anyone hear that?
CYRAN: You mean the screaming, shouting, and shattering?
ZAIA: Yeah. Sounds like it's coming from around the corner.
*they look around the corner to realize that the riot from yesterday is still going on*
DALTON: What the hell? Is that King Steve's?
KUJA: I think 'was' is a better term.
CYRAN: Hey, look at that!
*CYRAN points to a bunch of freakish green creatures in medieval armor running around and smashing things*
KUJA: Those are Uruk-hai!
STRAVO: But what the hell are they doing here?
CYRAN: Maybe they came out of that blackish-holey-looking thing?
*he points up at a giant portal in the sky*
KUJA: Um...that's not good.
ZAIA: What IS it?
STRAVO: Whatever it is, it's not good. Let's grab the El-Tee and get to the bottom of this.
KUJA: Death...
STRAVO: WHAT?!
KUJA: I said right! Brother!
*CUT TO the middle of the riot*
NITRAM: I say, Wilson, that's a fine lead pipe you're carrying!
WILSON: Why, thank you! *he pulls out a credit card* I bought it using my new credit card! It has a jolly good low rate!
*NITRAM pulls out his own card*
NITRAM: But is it a low FIXED rate like my Capital One no-hassle card?
WILSON: My word! Low and fixed? But...what's going to happen to MY rate?
*the RINGWRAITHS ride by. One of them grabs WILSON and hauls him off as they do so*
NITRAM: Poor chap.
*close in on a RINGWRAITH*
RINGWRAITH: Whaaaat'ssssss iiiiinnnnn YOOOUUUUUUURRRRRR waaaaaallllllleet?
*OPEN UP on a sidewalk*
CYRAN: Hey Stravo?
STRAVO: What?
CYRAN: Nevermind.
STRAVO: Okay.
*silence*
CYRAN: Hey, Stravo?
STRAVO: Yeah?
CYRAN: Nothing.
*STRAVO sighs*
CYRAN: Hey Strav-
STRAVO: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
*a moment of shocked silence. CYRAN curls up into a ball and begins sobbing*
KUJA: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
STRAVO: But I-
ZAIA: Was that shouting really necessary?
STRAVO: But, but, but, but-
DALTON: Great one! I didn't know you could do sputtering engines! Hey, what do you think of my noisy carburetor?
*he starts to inhale*
KUJA: Stravo, apologize to Cyran before he drowns us all!
STRAVO: Okay, okay! I'm sorry, Cyran.
*CYRAN stands up, totally calm*
CYRAN: Sure thing.
STRAVO: Wait a minute...that was a trick, wasn't it?!
*both Black Mages dissolve into laughter. STRAVO turns red*
STRAVO: Assholes...
ZAIA: Looks like somebody needs a hug.
*the laughter disappears as ZAIA hugs STRAVO. STRAVO looks over at KUJA and CYRAN to see both of them wearing hoods and KUJA holding a noose*
KUJA: Death...
*STRAVO blinks and shakes his head. KUJA and CYRAN go back to normal*
VOICE: I beg your pardon, brother. Can you help me?
DALTON: *turns* Sure, what do you-oh my GOD!
*camera pans to reveal a batch of Warhammer 40,000 SPACE MARINES standing on the sidewalk and towering over DALTON*
CAPTAIN: My brothers and I require your aid. We have been endeavoring to reach Times Square, but upon the way, have become lost. In the name of the Emperor, will you lend us your wisdom?
DALTON: Uh...sure thing.
*several minutes pass as DALTON gives directions*
CAPTAIN: Many thanks, brother Rob! May the Emperor of Man watch over you!
DALTON: Uh-
CAPTAIN: Now, to Times Square!
*the SPACE MARINES charge off*
STRAVO: Um, did anything about that seem…weird…to you guys?
KUJA: Besides the fact that a bunch of ten-foot-tall cyborg religious zealots with weaponry that's a few tens of millennia ahead of ours are running around New York?
STRAVO: No, that's what I meant.
ZAIA: Not to change the subject, but does anyone hear that?
CYRAN: You mean the screaming, shouting, and shattering?
ZAIA: Yeah. Sounds like it's coming from around the corner.
*they look around the corner to realize that the riot from yesterday is still going on*
DALTON: What the hell? Is that King Steve's?
KUJA: I think 'was' is a better term.
CYRAN: Hey, look at that!
*CYRAN points to a bunch of freakish green creatures in medieval armor running around and smashing things*
KUJA: Those are Uruk-hai!
STRAVO: But what the hell are they doing here?
CYRAN: Maybe they came out of that blackish-holey-looking thing?
*he points up at a giant portal in the sky*
KUJA: Um...that's not good.
ZAIA: What IS it?
STRAVO: Whatever it is, it's not good. Let's grab the El-Tee and get to the bottom of this.
KUJA: Death...
STRAVO: WHAT?!
KUJA: I said right! Brother!
*CUT TO the middle of the riot*
NITRAM: I say, Wilson, that's a fine lead pipe you're carrying!
WILSON: Why, thank you! *he pulls out a credit card* I bought it using my new credit card! It has a jolly good low rate!
*NITRAM pulls out his own card*
NITRAM: But is it a low FIXED rate like my Capital One no-hassle card?
WILSON: My word! Low and fixed? But...what's going to happen to MY rate?
*the RINGWRAITHS ride by. One of them grabs WILSON and hauls him off as they do so*
NITRAM: Poor chap.
*close in on a RINGWRAITH*
RINGWRAITH: Whaaaat'ssssss iiiiinnnnn YOOOUUUUUUURRRRRR waaaaaallllllleet?
Part 36: Chases and monologues...just like Shakespeare!
*OPEN UP on a New York jewelry store. The front window shatters as a rock flies through it and a bunch of guys dressed in ragged clothing and carrying sacks of jewelry burst out*
PIRATE: Arrrrrrrrrrrr!
*they run off. The OWNER runs out carrying a sawed-off shotgun*
OWNER: Get back here!
*he chases them down the block*
STRAVO: Is it me, or is this getting weirder with every passing minute?
KUJA AND CYRAN: It's you.
STRAVO: Oh. Hey, wait a sec-
*KUJA and CYRAN burst out laughing*
KUJA: Seriously though, this IS getting pretty weird, even by my standards.
DALTON: I'm willing to bet is has something to do with that big portal there.
*he gestures to the massive portal hanging in the sky. It suddenly glows a bit and ejects some objects that fall towards Manhattan and land far away. This is accompanied by a sound curiously similar to massive flatulence*
ZAIA: That was pleasant.
DALTON: Uh, Cyran?
CYRAN: Yeah?
DALTON: What's that you're carrying?
CYRAN: Nothing.
DALTON: All right then, what's that you're DRAGGING?
CYRAN: Nothing.
KUJA: Looks like a really big gun to me...
STRAVO: Cyran. You didn't steal a gun from the Space Marines, did you?!
VOICE: BETRAYAL! HERETICS!
CYRAN: Well, it was hanging in a back holster and it wasn't secured and it was just begging to be picked up-
KUJA: No time for explanations! Run!
*the group scatters as the SPACE MARINES run on and begin chasing them around. ZAIA and STRAVO run left to right, chased by a pair of MARINES. KUJA and CYRAN run right to left, chased by another pair. ROB runs on, opens up a door and slams it behind him. The MARINE behind him smashes right through. ZAIA and STRAVO run right to left, still being chased. KUJA and CYRAN run on from right, get halfway across, and start doing hopscotch. The MARINES chasing them stop, look at each other, shrug, and do hopscotch as well. They all go off left. A trio of frightened MARINES run on from right, being chased by ROB SMASH. KUJA runs on with CYRAN on his shoulders. The MARINES chasing them do same. KUJA leads them under a streetlight and the top MARINE bashes his head on it. STRAVO and a MARINE run on being chased by ZAIA and another MARINE. Blond MARINA prances across, closely pursued by about a dozen MARINES. Action continues as GOLLUM slinks on, crouches at the front of an alleyway, and proceeds to talk to himself*
GOLLUM: Stupid, fat, hobbitses. We hates them, oh yes, my love, we hates them. They treats us like shits, they do. Stupid fucking hobbitses. They make Smeagol's life terrible. They play their stupid fucking music and make Smeagol's ears hurt. They drinks their cheap beer and get smashed and piss in Smeagol's pool. And they fucks like rabbitses! They come to Smeagol's cave and set up a red light district! Now Smeagol never gets any sleep! We hates them, yes, yes! Gollum, gollum! Stupid fucking hobbitses! Smeagol wakes up at night to hear stupid hobbitses yelling 'coming, coming!' and Smeagol tells them to go the fuck aways, but stupid hobbitses keep yelling 'coming, coming!' And Smeagol waits, but they never show up. Stupid fucking hobbitses. Gollum, gollum! Smeagol will show them! Smeagol sent their favorite brothel a pipe bomb! Now they knows who is master!
*he stops to realize that the entire squad of MARINES is staring at him*
GOLLUM: Sorry. Smeagol will go now?
*he slinks off, still muttering to himself*
KUJA: NOW!
*the MARINES look up to see ROB SMASH leap from the top of the building*
MARINE: WATCH OUT!
*they panic and start to scatter, but ROB squashes the entire squad*
CYRAN: Whew. That was close.
*KUJA takes hold of CYRAN and beats him a bit*
KUJA: Next time you steal a weapon from a bunch of ultra-powered maniacs, YOU WARN ME ABOUT IT!
CYRAN: OKAY, OKAY!
*OPEN UP on a New York jewelry store. The front window shatters as a rock flies through it and a bunch of guys dressed in ragged clothing and carrying sacks of jewelry burst out*
PIRATE: Arrrrrrrrrrrr!
*they run off. The OWNER runs out carrying a sawed-off shotgun*
OWNER: Get back here!
*he chases them down the block*
STRAVO: Is it me, or is this getting weirder with every passing minute?
KUJA AND CYRAN: It's you.
STRAVO: Oh. Hey, wait a sec-
*KUJA and CYRAN burst out laughing*
KUJA: Seriously though, this IS getting pretty weird, even by my standards.
DALTON: I'm willing to bet is has something to do with that big portal there.
*he gestures to the massive portal hanging in the sky. It suddenly glows a bit and ejects some objects that fall towards Manhattan and land far away. This is accompanied by a sound curiously similar to massive flatulence*
ZAIA: That was pleasant.
DALTON: Uh, Cyran?
CYRAN: Yeah?
DALTON: What's that you're carrying?
CYRAN: Nothing.
DALTON: All right then, what's that you're DRAGGING?
CYRAN: Nothing.
KUJA: Looks like a really big gun to me...
STRAVO: Cyran. You didn't steal a gun from the Space Marines, did you?!
VOICE: BETRAYAL! HERETICS!
CYRAN: Well, it was hanging in a back holster and it wasn't secured and it was just begging to be picked up-
KUJA: No time for explanations! Run!
*the group scatters as the SPACE MARINES run on and begin chasing them around. ZAIA and STRAVO run left to right, chased by a pair of MARINES. KUJA and CYRAN run right to left, chased by another pair. ROB runs on, opens up a door and slams it behind him. The MARINE behind him smashes right through. ZAIA and STRAVO run right to left, still being chased. KUJA and CYRAN run on from right, get halfway across, and start doing hopscotch. The MARINES chasing them stop, look at each other, shrug, and do hopscotch as well. They all go off left. A trio of frightened MARINES run on from right, being chased by ROB SMASH. KUJA runs on with CYRAN on his shoulders. The MARINES chasing them do same. KUJA leads them under a streetlight and the top MARINE bashes his head on it. STRAVO and a MARINE run on being chased by ZAIA and another MARINE. Blond MARINA prances across, closely pursued by about a dozen MARINES. Action continues as GOLLUM slinks on, crouches at the front of an alleyway, and proceeds to talk to himself*
GOLLUM: Stupid, fat, hobbitses. We hates them, oh yes, my love, we hates them. They treats us like shits, they do. Stupid fucking hobbitses. They make Smeagol's life terrible. They play their stupid fucking music and make Smeagol's ears hurt. They drinks their cheap beer and get smashed and piss in Smeagol's pool. And they fucks like rabbitses! They come to Smeagol's cave and set up a red light district! Now Smeagol never gets any sleep! We hates them, yes, yes! Gollum, gollum! Stupid fucking hobbitses! Smeagol wakes up at night to hear stupid hobbitses yelling 'coming, coming!' and Smeagol tells them to go the fuck aways, but stupid hobbitses keep yelling 'coming, coming!' And Smeagol waits, but they never show up. Stupid fucking hobbitses. Gollum, gollum! Smeagol will show them! Smeagol sent their favorite brothel a pipe bomb! Now they knows who is master!
*he stops to realize that the entire squad of MARINES is staring at him*
GOLLUM: Sorry. Smeagol will go now?
*he slinks off, still muttering to himself*
KUJA: NOW!
*the MARINES look up to see ROB SMASH leap from the top of the building*
MARINE: WATCH OUT!
*they panic and start to scatter, but ROB squashes the entire squad*
CYRAN: Whew. That was close.
*KUJA takes hold of CYRAN and beats him a bit*
KUJA: Next time you steal a weapon from a bunch of ultra-powered maniacs, YOU WARN ME ABOUT IT!
CYRAN: OKAY, OKAY!
b]Sort of an Interlude But Not Really: The Chaos Friends![/b]
ANNOUNCER: They are four. Four beings of death and destruction. Four creatures of famine and decay. Four monsters dedicated to bringing down the universe as we know it. They are the four Chaos Gods: Slaanesh, Tzeentch, Khorne, and Nurgle. And now, they have been brought to modern-day New York City...to face the challenges of everyday life! They are…the Chaos Friends!
*open up on a lavish penthouse suite. SLAANESH is brewing a pot of coffee. KHORNE storms in one door, then out another. SLAANESH finishes the brewing and gulps down the entire pot, then shudders*
SLAANESH: No sin, no sacrament greater than Maxwell House coffee...aaaah.
KHORNE: Hey orgasm boy!
SLAANESH: *annoyed* What?
KHORNE: You seen my favorite tie?
SLAANESH: No, why?
KHORNE: I've got a job interview!
SLAANESH: Good. Just make sure you don't kill and devour this one.
*laugh track*
*SLAANESH goes to make more coffee while KHORNE storms in and looks around again*
KHORNE: Damn it, I know I left it somewhere around-
*TZEENTCH leaps into the room*
TZEENTCH: *in a way too flamboyant voice* Hello, everyone!
*applause*
KHORNE: You're entirely too happy...what've you done this time?
TZEENTCH: I remodeled your bedroom, Khorne!
SLAANESH: *to himself* First, panic.
KHORNE: You WHAT?!
SLAANESH: Then, denial.
KHORNE: You couldn't have done it again...you did it last week, for hell's sake!
SLAANESH: And finally...anger.
KHORNE: If you messed it up, I'm gonna slaughter you!
*KHORNE dashes off. TZEENTCH goes to sit at the table*
TZEENTCH: I was really inspired-
SLAANESH: Spare me. No, on second thought, don't.
*he gulps down the second pot of coffee*
SLAANESH: Ahhhhh...
*laugh track*
KHORNE: AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!!!
TZEENTCH: Oh, I think he likes it!
*laugh track*
KHORNE: YOU TURNED MY BEDROON INTO A CIRCUS TENT!
TZEENTCH: With clowns!
KHORNE: I HATE CLOWNS!
SLAANESH: Here comes the hurricane.
*laugh track*
*KHORNE bursts in with an axe*
TZEENTCH: But all I did was some rearranging!
KHORNE: I'm gonna rearrange your face!
*he chases TZEENTCH around the room and finally into the closet. KHORNE slams to door on TZEENTCH*
TZEENTCH: But I want to come out!
KHORNE: Then change your mind! If you have one.
*laugh track*
*NURGLE enters, holding his midsection*
NURGLE: I don't feel too good...
KHORNE: Yeah, what else is new?
NURGLE: No, like, extra not good.
*KHORNE turns*
KHORNE: You don't mean-
NURGLE: Ooooohhh...here it comes.
KHORNE: NO! NOT ON THE COUCH!
*NURGLE pukes all over the white couch*
KHORNE: I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE MY INTERVIEW THERE, MORON!
SLAANESH: Nurgle, maybe you should just stay in the bathroom.
NURGLE: Okay...
*he starts to walk out, but only gets as far as the corner before he throws up again. And we're talking full-on projectile vomiting here, folks. That corner's gonna need new paint*
KHORNE: OUT! GET OUT!
NURGLE: Okay...uh oh.
*he runs for the bathroom. SLAANESH follows and the sound of massive flatulence emanates from the doorway*
KHORNE: Oh man...he was eating pizza and anchovies before bed again!
*laugh track*
*SLAANESH enters*
KHORNE: Tell me he made it...please.
SLAANESH: Well, he made it to the bathroom, just not to the toilet.
KHORNE: THAT'S IT, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
*he whips out the axe*
KHORNE: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!
SLAANESH: Will you please stop referring to yourself like that, you egomaniac?
KHORNE: Soul-guzzling queen!
SLAANESH: It takes one to know one!
KHORNE: Oh, how can this day get any worse?
*the doorbell rings*
*laugh track*
KHORNE: Oh no...hide me!
*SLAANESH Shoves KHORNE into the closet*
TZEENTCH: Well, hello there!
KHORNE: Keep your mouth shut and you won't lose it.
*SLAANESH slams the door on both of them and goes to the front door*
SLAANESH: Yes?
MAN: We're here to see Tzeentch. Is he here, please?
*cut to the closet*
TZEENTCH: Oh, I knew I shouldn't have joined the Jehovah's Witnesses! I changed my mind ten minutes later!
KHORNE: You're a damned idiot.
*laugh track*
*cut to the living room*
SLAANESH: I'm sorry, you just missed him.
WITNESS: Well then, would you be interested in-
*SLAANESH slams the door*
SLAANESH: I might be the god of Hedonism, but even I can't stand that stuff!
*laugh track*
SLAANESH: You two can come out of your love nest now!
*KHORNE bursts out just ahead of TZEENTCH*
KHORNE: For the last time, I will not wear that pink and purple dress! Whatever games your playing, I'm not interested!
TZEENTCH: But it would look perfect with your-
*doorbell*
SLAANESH: Back in the closet!
*laugh track*
KHORNE: Fine.
TZEENTCH: Oh, goody!
*TZEENTCH goes in first, then KHORNE slams the door on him and boards it up*
KHORNE: Muwhahahahahahaaa!
SLAANESH: *sigh*
*doorbell*
KHORNE: All right, I'm coming!
*he opens the door to see KUJA and CYRAN*
KHORNE: Whaddaya want?
KUJA: Hi, we're-
KHORNE: We don't want any!
*he slams the door*
TZZENTCH: Such anger!
KHORNE: YYYYAAAAARRRRRGH! HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THERE!
TZEENTCH: Oh Khorne, you should know by now that I'm good at wriggling my way out of tight spaces!
*applause*
TZZENTCH: So, who's for ice cream?
*sounds of NURGLE barfing*
TZEENTCH: I'll take that as a yes.
*cut to the hallway*
KUJA: What the hell was that guy's problem?
CYRAN: Fuck if I know.
KUJA: Explosives?
CYRAN: Explosives.
*cut to the living room*
TZEENTCH: Be back soon!
*he goes to the door, which promptly explodes*
KHORNE: YES! THERE IS A GOD!
TZEENTCH: Well, that was unexpected.
KHORNE: ...and he absolutely despises me.
*applause. A hand shoves an Oscar into the screen*
TZEENTCH: Thank you! You love me! You really love me!
KHORNE: Somebody, please make it stop.
*laugh track*
ANNOUNCER: They are four. Four beings of death and destruction. Four creatures of famine and decay. Four monsters dedicated to bringing down the universe as we know it. They are the four Chaos Gods: Slaanesh, Tzeentch, Khorne, and Nurgle. And now, they have been brought to modern-day New York City...to face the challenges of everyday life! They are…the Chaos Friends!
*open up on a lavish penthouse suite. SLAANESH is brewing a pot of coffee. KHORNE storms in one door, then out another. SLAANESH finishes the brewing and gulps down the entire pot, then shudders*
SLAANESH: No sin, no sacrament greater than Maxwell House coffee...aaaah.
KHORNE: Hey orgasm boy!
SLAANESH: *annoyed* What?
KHORNE: You seen my favorite tie?
SLAANESH: No, why?
KHORNE: I've got a job interview!
SLAANESH: Good. Just make sure you don't kill and devour this one.
*laugh track*
*SLAANESH goes to make more coffee while KHORNE storms in and looks around again*
KHORNE: Damn it, I know I left it somewhere around-
*TZEENTCH leaps into the room*
TZEENTCH: *in a way too flamboyant voice* Hello, everyone!
*applause*
KHORNE: You're entirely too happy...what've you done this time?
TZEENTCH: I remodeled your bedroom, Khorne!
SLAANESH: *to himself* First, panic.
KHORNE: You WHAT?!
SLAANESH: Then, denial.
KHORNE: You couldn't have done it again...you did it last week, for hell's sake!
SLAANESH: And finally...anger.
KHORNE: If you messed it up, I'm gonna slaughter you!
*KHORNE dashes off. TZEENTCH goes to sit at the table*
TZEENTCH: I was really inspired-
SLAANESH: Spare me. No, on second thought, don't.
*he gulps down the second pot of coffee*
SLAANESH: Ahhhhh...
*laugh track*
KHORNE: AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!!!
TZEENTCH: Oh, I think he likes it!
*laugh track*
KHORNE: YOU TURNED MY BEDROON INTO A CIRCUS TENT!
TZEENTCH: With clowns!
KHORNE: I HATE CLOWNS!
SLAANESH: Here comes the hurricane.
*laugh track*
*KHORNE bursts in with an axe*
TZEENTCH: But all I did was some rearranging!
KHORNE: I'm gonna rearrange your face!
*he chases TZEENTCH around the room and finally into the closet. KHORNE slams to door on TZEENTCH*
TZEENTCH: But I want to come out!
KHORNE: Then change your mind! If you have one.
*laugh track*
*NURGLE enters, holding his midsection*
NURGLE: I don't feel too good...
KHORNE: Yeah, what else is new?
NURGLE: No, like, extra not good.
*KHORNE turns*
KHORNE: You don't mean-
NURGLE: Ooooohhh...here it comes.
KHORNE: NO! NOT ON THE COUCH!
*NURGLE pukes all over the white couch*
KHORNE: I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE MY INTERVIEW THERE, MORON!
SLAANESH: Nurgle, maybe you should just stay in the bathroom.
NURGLE: Okay...
*he starts to walk out, but only gets as far as the corner before he throws up again. And we're talking full-on projectile vomiting here, folks. That corner's gonna need new paint*
KHORNE: OUT! GET OUT!
NURGLE: Okay...uh oh.
*he runs for the bathroom. SLAANESH follows and the sound of massive flatulence emanates from the doorway*
KHORNE: Oh man...he was eating pizza and anchovies before bed again!
*laugh track*
*SLAANESH enters*
KHORNE: Tell me he made it...please.
SLAANESH: Well, he made it to the bathroom, just not to the toilet.
KHORNE: THAT'S IT, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
*he whips out the axe*
KHORNE: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!
SLAANESH: Will you please stop referring to yourself like that, you egomaniac?
KHORNE: Soul-guzzling queen!
SLAANESH: It takes one to know one!
KHORNE: Oh, how can this day get any worse?
*the doorbell rings*
*laugh track*
KHORNE: Oh no...hide me!
*SLAANESH Shoves KHORNE into the closet*
TZEENTCH: Well, hello there!
KHORNE: Keep your mouth shut and you won't lose it.
*SLAANESH slams the door on both of them and goes to the front door*
SLAANESH: Yes?
MAN: We're here to see Tzeentch. Is he here, please?
*cut to the closet*
TZEENTCH: Oh, I knew I shouldn't have joined the Jehovah's Witnesses! I changed my mind ten minutes later!
KHORNE: You're a damned idiot.
*laugh track*
*cut to the living room*
SLAANESH: I'm sorry, you just missed him.
WITNESS: Well then, would you be interested in-
*SLAANESH slams the door*
SLAANESH: I might be the god of Hedonism, but even I can't stand that stuff!
*laugh track*
SLAANESH: You two can come out of your love nest now!
*KHORNE bursts out just ahead of TZEENTCH*
KHORNE: For the last time, I will not wear that pink and purple dress! Whatever games your playing, I'm not interested!
TZEENTCH: But it would look perfect with your-
*doorbell*
SLAANESH: Back in the closet!
*laugh track*
KHORNE: Fine.
TZEENTCH: Oh, goody!
*TZEENTCH goes in first, then KHORNE slams the door on him and boards it up*
KHORNE: Muwhahahahahahaaa!
SLAANESH: *sigh*
*doorbell*
KHORNE: All right, I'm coming!
*he opens the door to see KUJA and CYRAN*
KHORNE: Whaddaya want?
KUJA: Hi, we're-
KHORNE: We don't want any!
*he slams the door*
TZZENTCH: Such anger!
KHORNE: YYYYAAAAARRRRRGH! HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THERE!
TZEENTCH: Oh Khorne, you should know by now that I'm good at wriggling my way out of tight spaces!
*applause*
TZZENTCH: So, who's for ice cream?
*sounds of NURGLE barfing*
TZEENTCH: I'll take that as a yes.
*cut to the hallway*
KUJA: What the hell was that guy's problem?
CYRAN: Fuck if I know.
KUJA: Explosives?
CYRAN: Explosives.
*cut to the living room*
TZEENTCH: Be back soon!
*he goes to the door, which promptly explodes*
KHORNE: YES! THERE IS A GOD!
TZEENTCH: Well, that was unexpected.
KHORNE: ...and he absolutely despises me.
*applause. A hand shoves an Oscar into the screen*
TZEENTCH: Thank you! You love me! You really love me!
KHORNE: Somebody, please make it stop.
*laugh track*