Table of Contents
You can thank Stravo and Captain_Cyran for this little number. They gave me the inspiration with their posts on this Starcrossed page.
PART 1: Attack of the Mages
*fade in on the living room of a New York City apartment, night. All lights are turned off, and STRAVO sits at his computer, head resting on his hand*
STRAVO (voiceover): I was sitting at my computer the night the madness began. It had been so long since I'd put out a Starcrossed chapter for everyone to read. In part, this was due to my busy workweek, but it was also thanks to a nasty case of writer's block.
*STRAVO suddenly leans forward and begins typing rapidly. After a few moments, he stops and reviews the computer screen. Then he sighs and deletes the new paragraph*
STRAVO (vo): With the weekend coming up, I knew I could devote a little more time to my writing, but that wasn't going to be worth much if I couldn't think of anything to write. In addition, the amount of distractions provided by the city around me rarely helped.
*STRAVO jerks his head around as we hear the brakes of a car squeal outside. The sound ends with a crash. There is a few second of silence, followed by incoherent yelling*
STRAVO: *growl* Crazy drunk drivers.
STRAVO (vo): That particular sound heralded the beginning of the most bizarre weekend in my life, although I didn't realize it at the time. Perhaps if I could have recognized those voices I could have prepared for the insanity awaiting me. As it was, I simply returned to writing, keeping a curious ear out for police sirens.
*STRAVO turns back to his computer and for a few seconds, all is peaceful*
STRAVO (vo): That was when it happened.
*a figure pops into existence in midair and falls to the floor with an audible groan. STRAVO spins around in his chair just in time to see a second figure materialize and fall on top of the first, eliciting a muffled sound of pain. Finally, a traveling bag stuffed to the brim appears and lands atop both intruders.*
FIGURE 1: OOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!
FIGURE 2: Shut up.
*both figures climb to their feet and face the rather anxious STRAVO. Both of them are Black Mages, one with a knife belted at his waist, the other with a sledgehammer strapped to his back*
STRAVO: Who the hell are you, and how did you get in here?
FIGURE 2: It's us, Strav. You don't recognize us?
STRAVO: Uh, no.
*FIGURE 1 steps forward*
FIGURE 1: It's us, Kuja and Cyran.
STRAVO: Kuja and...*realization dawns* How the HELL did you get here?
KUJA: We drove.
STRAVO: Drove?
KUJA: Yeah. My Mustang.
CYRAN: It was cool, too! We kept the windows open and the music up at thirty, and around Syracuse we saw a couple hot chicks-
*KUJA smacks CYRAN on the back of the head*
KUJA: All right, that's enough.
CYRAN: Hey, knock it off!
KUJA: Make me.
CYRAN: STAB TIME!
STRAVO: That's enough! Now, tell me how you got in here.
BOTH: Trade secret.
*STRAVO sighs*
CYRAN: We came here cuz we're the hit squad-
*KUJA clamps his hand over CYRAN'S mouth*
KUJA: What he means to say is that we're the guys to help you with your writer's block!
STRAVO: Are you serious?
KUJA: *still holding CYRAN'S mouth* Of course. Everybody wants more Starcrossed!
CYRAN: Mmmh mmh, mmh.
KUJA: Later, Cyran.
STRAVO: So...just what exactly are you guys supposed to do?
KUJA: Whatever. Help you out. Buy you dinner. Anything.
CYRAN: Mmmh mmh mmmh!
KUJA: I said LATER, Cyran.
*CYRAN begins struggling*
KUJA: Hey! Hold still, damn you!
STRAVO: I don't think he can breathe.
KUJA: Oh, good point.
*KUJA releases CYRAN*
CYRAN: *hoarse* Thanks, Strav.
STRAVO: *sigh* This is going to be a long weekend.
STRAVO (vo): Little did I know how right I was.
How Stravo Got his Groove Back
Moderator: LadyTevar
PART 2: Breakfast Bites Back
*FADE IN on STRAVO'S bedroom, early morning. He is asleep, only his head and left arm visible above the covers. There is a knock at the door. STRAVO groans and rolls over. The knocking gets louder, but STRAVO does not respond. There is a moment of silence, then a sledgehammer crashes through the door and knocks it off its hinges*
KUJA: Morning, Stravo!
*KUJA resheathes his hammer and enters the room, carrying a tray with various types of food on it.
KUJA: It's eight o'clock, are you just gonna sleep the whole day away?
STRAVO: Mmm.
KUJA: Come on, I've got breakfast. Cyran and I worked really hard on it, too!
STRAVO: G'way.
*STRAVO pulls himself completely under the covers*
KUJA: Hey, wake up already!
*KUJA sets the tray down on STRAVO'S dresser*
KUJA: Hey, I said wake up!
*STRAVO does not respond. KUJA sighs and walks over to the window. After opening it, he returns to his previous position at the foot of the bed*
KUJA: *raises one arm* HEEEEYAAAAH!
*a lightning bolt comes in through the window and nails STRAVO. Instantly, his entire body is jerked into midair, flashing an x-ray of his skeleton and twitching spasmodically. After a moment, he falls back to the bed, smoking slightly*
STRAVO: Asshole!
KUJA: Now that you're awake, have some breakfast. *he offers STRAVO the tray* Pancakes and scrambled eggs.
*STRAVO glares and says nothing*
KUJA: Eat, or it's a fireball next time.
*STRAVO reluctantly picks up a fork and knife and cuts off a bit of one pancake. Putting it in his mouth, he chews thoughtfully*
STRAVO: Not bad. What did you put in it?
KUJA: Uh, whatever was on the box, I guess. Cyran actually made the pancakes. *KUJA turns to face the doorframe* HEY CYRAN!
*CYRAN walks into the room, stepping over the fallen door. He holds a plunger in one hand*
CYRAN: Yeah?
KUJA: What did you put in the pancakes? Stravo likes them.
*STRAVO nods, having nearly finished the first pancake*
STRAVO: Yeah, these are pretty good.
CYRAN: Uh, I didn't put in anything special. I just followed the directions. Glad you like, though.
STRAVO: *blinks* What's with the plunger?
CYRAN: Huh? Oh, I just found it in the closet. I used it to mix the pancake batter.
*STRAVO makes a gagging sound, then leaps out of bed, knocking the breakfast tray over as he does so. He then proceeds to run out of the room, one hand clamped over his mouth*
KUJA: Geez, he spilled the eggs everywhere. Was that really necessary?
*CUT TO: the bathroom. STRAVO is leaning over a toilet, his face pale. CYRAN enters*
CYRAN: Hey, you OK?
STRAVO: I swear I'm going to get you back for this.
CYRAN: *with cheerful malice* You mean you're going to make me breakfast sometime?
*STRAVO groans*
CYRAN: OK, I think you've had enough fun. How about you get showered and dressed so you can get to work?
STRAVO: Fun? Why you-
*CYRAN casually rests his hand on his knife*
STRAVO: Uh, right. Work.
*scene freezes*
STRAVO (vo): That breakfast just might've been the most sickening thing I ever ate. That wasn't the weirdest or most humiliating part of the day, though. That was still awaiting me...
*fade to black*
*FADE IN on STRAVO'S bedroom, early morning. He is asleep, only his head and left arm visible above the covers. There is a knock at the door. STRAVO groans and rolls over. The knocking gets louder, but STRAVO does not respond. There is a moment of silence, then a sledgehammer crashes through the door and knocks it off its hinges*
KUJA: Morning, Stravo!
*KUJA resheathes his hammer and enters the room, carrying a tray with various types of food on it.
KUJA: It's eight o'clock, are you just gonna sleep the whole day away?
STRAVO: Mmm.
KUJA: Come on, I've got breakfast. Cyran and I worked really hard on it, too!
STRAVO: G'way.
*STRAVO pulls himself completely under the covers*
KUJA: Hey, wake up already!
*KUJA sets the tray down on STRAVO'S dresser*
KUJA: Hey, I said wake up!
*STRAVO does not respond. KUJA sighs and walks over to the window. After opening it, he returns to his previous position at the foot of the bed*
KUJA: *raises one arm* HEEEEYAAAAH!
*a lightning bolt comes in through the window and nails STRAVO. Instantly, his entire body is jerked into midair, flashing an x-ray of his skeleton and twitching spasmodically. After a moment, he falls back to the bed, smoking slightly*
STRAVO: Asshole!
KUJA: Now that you're awake, have some breakfast. *he offers STRAVO the tray* Pancakes and scrambled eggs.
*STRAVO glares and says nothing*
KUJA: Eat, or it's a fireball next time.
*STRAVO reluctantly picks up a fork and knife and cuts off a bit of one pancake. Putting it in his mouth, he chews thoughtfully*
STRAVO: Not bad. What did you put in it?
KUJA: Uh, whatever was on the box, I guess. Cyran actually made the pancakes. *KUJA turns to face the doorframe* HEY CYRAN!
*CYRAN walks into the room, stepping over the fallen door. He holds a plunger in one hand*
CYRAN: Yeah?
KUJA: What did you put in the pancakes? Stravo likes them.
*STRAVO nods, having nearly finished the first pancake*
STRAVO: Yeah, these are pretty good.
CYRAN: Uh, I didn't put in anything special. I just followed the directions. Glad you like, though.
STRAVO: *blinks* What's with the plunger?
CYRAN: Huh? Oh, I just found it in the closet. I used it to mix the pancake batter.
*STRAVO makes a gagging sound, then leaps out of bed, knocking the breakfast tray over as he does so. He then proceeds to run out of the room, one hand clamped over his mouth*
KUJA: Geez, he spilled the eggs everywhere. Was that really necessary?
*CUT TO: the bathroom. STRAVO is leaning over a toilet, his face pale. CYRAN enters*
CYRAN: Hey, you OK?
STRAVO: I swear I'm going to get you back for this.
CYRAN: *with cheerful malice* You mean you're going to make me breakfast sometime?
*STRAVO groans*
CYRAN: OK, I think you've had enough fun. How about you get showered and dressed so you can get to work?
STRAVO: Fun? Why you-
*CYRAN casually rests his hand on his knife*
STRAVO: Uh, right. Work.
*scene freezes*
STRAVO (vo): That breakfast just might've been the most sickening thing I ever ate. That wasn't the weirdest or most humiliating part of the day, though. That was still awaiting me...
*fade to black*
PART 3: On the Hunt
*fade in on STRAVO'S living room. STRAVO is seated at the computer and is staring at the screen. KUJA is seated on the couch. His hammer is unsheathed and he is repeatedly tapping the floor with the end of the shaft. CYRAN leans against the wall, alternately watching STRAVO and looking out the window. STRAVO looks over at KUJA, an annoyed expression on his face*
STRAVO: Will you stop that?
KUJA: Stop what?
STRAVO: That tapping. *KUJA resheathes the hammer* Thank you.
CYRAN: Any luck?
STRAVO: *coldly* No more than thirty seconds ago.
CYRAN: *sigh* Can't you go any faster?
STRAVO: No. You can't rush work like this. You have to let it happen in its own time.
KUJA: Put in some technobabble. That's what Star Trek writers do when they can't think of anything.
STRAVO: And we all love that, don't we?
KUJA: Point.
*STRAVO stands. Instantly, both KUJA and CYRAN pull out ridiculously oversized blaster rifles and point them at STRAVO*
CYRAN: Where do you think you're going?
STRAVO: The kitchen. I want a drink.
CYRAN: Oh.
*KUJA and CYRAN replace their rifles as STRAVO walks off*
KUJA: Man, I didn't think it would be this slow.
CYRAN: I hear ya. The guy's writing as slow as a peanut butter river.
*silence*
KUJA: Where the hell do you think up stuff like that?
*CYRAN shrugs. There are a few moments of silence, then a door slams*
BOTH: What the-?!
*KUJA and CYRAN run through the door that STRAVO walked through and end up in the hallway outside the apartment*
CYRAN: Shit! He tricked us!
KUJA: Let's go!
*the two Black Mages rush down the stairs just in time to see STRAVO dash out the building's front door. By the time they exit the building, STRAVO is already halfway down the block*
CYRAN: Come on, let's get him!
KUJA: *assumes heroic pose* Quick! To the Blackmagemobile!
CYRAN: You mean the Mustang?
KUJA: Well, yeah.
*KUJA and CYRAN dash around the corner of the building to a blue-green Mustang, the front end of which happens to be buried in a fruit stand. They climb in and KUJA hits the gas. Unfortunately, he forgets to put the car in reverse and the Mustang lurches forward, crushing the remains of the fruit stand*
KUJA: Get your Uzi. While I drive, you wave it around and fire sporadically.
CYRAN: Why?
*silence*
KUJA: Why not? Just do it.
CYRAN: Okay.
*cut to: STRAVO running down the street, avoiding various pedestrians as he does so. After a few moments, he makes his way to a phone booth and dials a number*
STRAVO: Come on, pick up. *pause* Pick up, damn you!
*there is a click on the phone line*
DALTON: Hello?
STRAVO: Rob, is that you? Listen, I need your help!
DALTON: What's up?
STRAVO: Kuja and Cyran showed up in my apartment with a bunch of weapons and now they're chasing me around Manhattan!
*a pause*
DALTON: So what do you want me to do about it?
STRAVO: Anything!
DALTON: Well, I'm kind of busy-
*the Mustang bursts out from around a corner roughly three blocks away. CYRAN leans out the window, screaming incoherently and firing his Uzi into the air. The crowd does not appear concerned*
STRAVO: Shit, here they come! You gotta help me before these two psychos kill someone! Like me!
*the Mustang gets closer. CYRAN spots STRAVO and yells even louder. KUJA hits the gas and the car accelerates*
CYRAN: Hey, not so fast! We're not supposed to kill the guy!
KUJA: YEEEEEEEEEEEHA!
*CYRAN groans*
STRAVO: Rob, I'm serious, I'll meet you at the café, bring lots of heavy weapons! I gotta go now!
DALTON: Hey, wait just a damn min-
*STRAVO drops the phone and dives out of the phone booth just as the Mustang slams into it, shattering the glass and obliterating the booth completely. The crowd still does not react*
STRAVO: Close one.
*STRAVO ducks into an alley as the Mustang begins to swing around*
KUJA: You can run, but you can't hide!
*cut to: DALTON'S home. DALTON hangs up the phone and turns to the nearest closet. Opening the door reveals a massive arsenal of sci-fi weaponry, which DALTON somehow manages to cram into his jacket*
DALTON: Let's rumble.
*fade out*
*fade in on STRAVO'S living room. STRAVO is seated at the computer and is staring at the screen. KUJA is seated on the couch. His hammer is unsheathed and he is repeatedly tapping the floor with the end of the shaft. CYRAN leans against the wall, alternately watching STRAVO and looking out the window. STRAVO looks over at KUJA, an annoyed expression on his face*
STRAVO: Will you stop that?
KUJA: Stop what?
STRAVO: That tapping. *KUJA resheathes the hammer* Thank you.
CYRAN: Any luck?
STRAVO: *coldly* No more than thirty seconds ago.
CYRAN: *sigh* Can't you go any faster?
STRAVO: No. You can't rush work like this. You have to let it happen in its own time.
KUJA: Put in some technobabble. That's what Star Trek writers do when they can't think of anything.
STRAVO: And we all love that, don't we?
KUJA: Point.
*STRAVO stands. Instantly, both KUJA and CYRAN pull out ridiculously oversized blaster rifles and point them at STRAVO*
CYRAN: Where do you think you're going?
STRAVO: The kitchen. I want a drink.
CYRAN: Oh.
*KUJA and CYRAN replace their rifles as STRAVO walks off*
KUJA: Man, I didn't think it would be this slow.
CYRAN: I hear ya. The guy's writing as slow as a peanut butter river.
*silence*
KUJA: Where the hell do you think up stuff like that?
*CYRAN shrugs. There are a few moments of silence, then a door slams*
BOTH: What the-?!
*KUJA and CYRAN run through the door that STRAVO walked through and end up in the hallway outside the apartment*
CYRAN: Shit! He tricked us!
KUJA: Let's go!
*the two Black Mages rush down the stairs just in time to see STRAVO dash out the building's front door. By the time they exit the building, STRAVO is already halfway down the block*
CYRAN: Come on, let's get him!
KUJA: *assumes heroic pose* Quick! To the Blackmagemobile!
CYRAN: You mean the Mustang?
KUJA: Well, yeah.
*KUJA and CYRAN dash around the corner of the building to a blue-green Mustang, the front end of which happens to be buried in a fruit stand. They climb in and KUJA hits the gas. Unfortunately, he forgets to put the car in reverse and the Mustang lurches forward, crushing the remains of the fruit stand*
KUJA: Get your Uzi. While I drive, you wave it around and fire sporadically.
CYRAN: Why?
*silence*
KUJA: Why not? Just do it.
CYRAN: Okay.
*cut to: STRAVO running down the street, avoiding various pedestrians as he does so. After a few moments, he makes his way to a phone booth and dials a number*
STRAVO: Come on, pick up. *pause* Pick up, damn you!
*there is a click on the phone line*
DALTON: Hello?
STRAVO: Rob, is that you? Listen, I need your help!
DALTON: What's up?
STRAVO: Kuja and Cyran showed up in my apartment with a bunch of weapons and now they're chasing me around Manhattan!
*a pause*
DALTON: So what do you want me to do about it?
STRAVO: Anything!
DALTON: Well, I'm kind of busy-
*the Mustang bursts out from around a corner roughly three blocks away. CYRAN leans out the window, screaming incoherently and firing his Uzi into the air. The crowd does not appear concerned*
STRAVO: Shit, here they come! You gotta help me before these two psychos kill someone! Like me!
*the Mustang gets closer. CYRAN spots STRAVO and yells even louder. KUJA hits the gas and the car accelerates*
CYRAN: Hey, not so fast! We're not supposed to kill the guy!
KUJA: YEEEEEEEEEEEHA!
*CYRAN groans*
STRAVO: Rob, I'm serious, I'll meet you at the café, bring lots of heavy weapons! I gotta go now!
DALTON: Hey, wait just a damn min-
*STRAVO drops the phone and dives out of the phone booth just as the Mustang slams into it, shattering the glass and obliterating the booth completely. The crowd still does not react*
STRAVO: Close one.
*STRAVO ducks into an alley as the Mustang begins to swing around*
KUJA: You can run, but you can't hide!
*cut to: DALTON'S home. DALTON hangs up the phone and turns to the nearest closet. Opening the door reveals a massive arsenal of sci-fi weaponry, which DALTON somehow manages to cram into his jacket*
DALTON: Let's rumble.
*fade out*
PART 4: Good Food, Yes!
*fade in: STRAVO running down another street. KUJA'S Mustang is about forty feet behind and gaining. CYRAN is still leaning out the window, firing randomly*
KUJA: Cyran!
CYRAN: Yo!
KUJA: Get ready to tackle him!
CYRAN: All right!
*Cyran drops the Uzi onto his seat and braces himself for a jump. STRAVO is looking valiantly for a place to run, but sees nowhere to go. As the Mustang draws even with him, CYRAN launches himself out the window with a bloodcurdling scream. STRAVO sees him coming and throws himself to the ground. CYRAN'S scream changes to one of terror as he flies over STRAVO and slams into the window of a store*
KUJA: Ouch. That didn't look pleasant.
*STRAVO hauls himself to his feet and watches as CYRAN slowly slides to the ground*
STRAVO: Are you OK?
CYRAN: *strained* Why'd it have to be a health food store? Why couldn't I slam into the front of a porno shop or a gun store?
*there is a squeal of brakes as KUJA brings the Mustang to a stop, then turns around and drives back to where STRAVO and CYRAN are. As he reaches them, KUJA dives out the door, leaving the Mustang to use a brick wall to stop. Curiously enough, the car bounces back from the wall unharmed, as though it were made of rubber. KUJA pulls out his blaster rifle*
KUJA: Got you now!
*STRAVO squawks and dives to the side as KUJA fires a massive blast of energy at him. The bolt misses STRAVO by inches and goes through the window of the health food store, which promptly erupts into flames*
KUJA: Ah, slippery little devil, aren't you?
STRAVO: Rob, where the hell are you?
*cut to: DALTON in his car, surrounded by rush hour traffic. He is leaning on one hand and drumming his fingers on the wheel, waiting for the car in front of him to move*
DRIVER: Speed up, asshole!
DALTON: I can't, jackass! Go stick your head in a bucket of bleach!
DRIVER: Fuck off!
DALTON: Same to you!
*cut to the scene we just left. KUJA has his rifle trained on STRAVO, and CYRAN is slowly climbing to his feet. The health food store is ablaze. Passerby find it interesting enough to glance over at least once before continuing with their daily schedules*
KUJA: Now, are you gonna be a good boy and come with us? Or do I have to get rough?
STRAVO: How about you just leave me alone and go back home?
KUJA: No fun in that.
CYRAN: I bent my Wookiee.
*KUJA glances over at CYRAN. STRAVO takes advantage, leaping forward and planting a fist in KUJA'S face before taking off once again*
KUJA: THAT'S IT! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!
*KUJA pulls out his sledgehammer and dashes off after STRAVO. CYRAN hobbles after both of them. After some time, STRAVO arrives at a small café*
STRAVO: OK, I'm here...now where's Rob?
*cut to: Dalton in his car. He is in a different part of Manhattan now, but is still surrounded by traffic*
DALTON: Why did I agree to this? I'm supposed to meet Stravo at the café? What café? There's dozens of them! And I've never even seen where the guy lives, how am I supposed to find him?
*DALTON hits several buttons on the radio, but nothing happens*
DALTON: *sigh* And now the radio's stuck on one station. What could be worse?
RADIO: Barney is a di-no-saur from our im-ag-in-a-tion!
DALTON: NOOOOOOOOO!
*cut to: the café. KUJA has caught up with STRAVO and is about to hit him with the sledgehammer*
KUJA: SMASH TIME!
STRAVO: Wait a minute!
*KUJA pauses*
STRAVO: Remember how I said I was going to get a drink? This is where I'm buying it.
*CYRAN has finally caught up and is walking semi-normally again*
CYRAN: I thought you said you were going to the kitchen.
*STRAVO gestures to the name of the café: The Kitchen*
KUJA: Oh, OK.
*KUJA and CYRAN follow STRAVO into the café*
KUJA: Hey, as long as we're here, we should get you some brain food, Strav.
*fade out, followed by a fade in on the café several hours later. All three are seated at a table covered by empty plates and glasses*
WAITRESS: So, which one of you gentlemen is paying for this?
ALL THREE: Him!
*KUJA points at CYRAN, CYRAN points at STRAVO, and STRAVO points at KUJA*
WAITRESS: *laughs* Cute, guys. Now, who's paying?
CYRAN: Uh...we already paid.
WAITRESS: No you didn't.
CYRAN: Yes we did.
WAITRESS: No, you didn't!
STRAVO: *makes hypnotic passes* This meal is on the house.
WAITRESS: *getting mad* Listen, you guys nearly cleared out the storage bins! You ate more than our average dinner hour does! One of you is gonna pay!
*KUJA roughly sets his sledgehammer down on the table, hard enough to make the dishes and glasses rattle and causing the WAITRESS to jump, surprised*
KUJA: My trusty sledgehammer says we don't need to.
WAITRESS: Your trusty sledgehammer is an idiot.
CYRAN: LET HER LIVE, KUJA, LET HER LIVE!
*a MANAGER walks up to the table*
MANAGER: Is there a problem?
WAITRESS: Yeah, these guys won't-
KUJA: -give her a tip.
*the WAITRESS glares at KUJA for this interruption*
MANAGER: *angry* You're making all this fuss over not getting a tip?
WAITRESS: No! I-
MANAGER: Oh, get back to work!
*the WAITRESS slumps and leaves*
MANAGER: I'm very sorry about that, gentlemen. Consider your meal a gift from our establishment.
KUJA: That's very gracious of you. We accept.
*the three leave*
CYRAN: Close one.
KUJA: *feels around his pockets* Well, how about that, I had a twenty-dollar bill the whole time!
STRAVO: *sigh* Well, I'm glad that worked out. *under his breath* But what happened to Rob?
*cut to: DALTON still in his car, in yet another part of Manhattan*
DALTON: I am so lost.
*fade out*
*fade in: STRAVO running down another street. KUJA'S Mustang is about forty feet behind and gaining. CYRAN is still leaning out the window, firing randomly*
KUJA: Cyran!
CYRAN: Yo!
KUJA: Get ready to tackle him!
CYRAN: All right!
*Cyran drops the Uzi onto his seat and braces himself for a jump. STRAVO is looking valiantly for a place to run, but sees nowhere to go. As the Mustang draws even with him, CYRAN launches himself out the window with a bloodcurdling scream. STRAVO sees him coming and throws himself to the ground. CYRAN'S scream changes to one of terror as he flies over STRAVO and slams into the window of a store*
KUJA: Ouch. That didn't look pleasant.
*STRAVO hauls himself to his feet and watches as CYRAN slowly slides to the ground*
STRAVO: Are you OK?
CYRAN: *strained* Why'd it have to be a health food store? Why couldn't I slam into the front of a porno shop or a gun store?
*there is a squeal of brakes as KUJA brings the Mustang to a stop, then turns around and drives back to where STRAVO and CYRAN are. As he reaches them, KUJA dives out the door, leaving the Mustang to use a brick wall to stop. Curiously enough, the car bounces back from the wall unharmed, as though it were made of rubber. KUJA pulls out his blaster rifle*
KUJA: Got you now!
*STRAVO squawks and dives to the side as KUJA fires a massive blast of energy at him. The bolt misses STRAVO by inches and goes through the window of the health food store, which promptly erupts into flames*
KUJA: Ah, slippery little devil, aren't you?
STRAVO: Rob, where the hell are you?
*cut to: DALTON in his car, surrounded by rush hour traffic. He is leaning on one hand and drumming his fingers on the wheel, waiting for the car in front of him to move*
DRIVER: Speed up, asshole!
DALTON: I can't, jackass! Go stick your head in a bucket of bleach!
DRIVER: Fuck off!
DALTON: Same to you!
*cut to the scene we just left. KUJA has his rifle trained on STRAVO, and CYRAN is slowly climbing to his feet. The health food store is ablaze. Passerby find it interesting enough to glance over at least once before continuing with their daily schedules*
KUJA: Now, are you gonna be a good boy and come with us? Or do I have to get rough?
STRAVO: How about you just leave me alone and go back home?
KUJA: No fun in that.
CYRAN: I bent my Wookiee.
*KUJA glances over at CYRAN. STRAVO takes advantage, leaping forward and planting a fist in KUJA'S face before taking off once again*
KUJA: THAT'S IT! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!
*KUJA pulls out his sledgehammer and dashes off after STRAVO. CYRAN hobbles after both of them. After some time, STRAVO arrives at a small café*
STRAVO: OK, I'm here...now where's Rob?
*cut to: Dalton in his car. He is in a different part of Manhattan now, but is still surrounded by traffic*
DALTON: Why did I agree to this? I'm supposed to meet Stravo at the café? What café? There's dozens of them! And I've never even seen where the guy lives, how am I supposed to find him?
*DALTON hits several buttons on the radio, but nothing happens*
DALTON: *sigh* And now the radio's stuck on one station. What could be worse?
RADIO: Barney is a di-no-saur from our im-ag-in-a-tion!
DALTON: NOOOOOOOOO!
*cut to: the café. KUJA has caught up with STRAVO and is about to hit him with the sledgehammer*
KUJA: SMASH TIME!
STRAVO: Wait a minute!
*KUJA pauses*
STRAVO: Remember how I said I was going to get a drink? This is where I'm buying it.
*CYRAN has finally caught up and is walking semi-normally again*
CYRAN: I thought you said you were going to the kitchen.
*STRAVO gestures to the name of the café: The Kitchen*
KUJA: Oh, OK.
*KUJA and CYRAN follow STRAVO into the café*
KUJA: Hey, as long as we're here, we should get you some brain food, Strav.
*fade out, followed by a fade in on the café several hours later. All three are seated at a table covered by empty plates and glasses*
WAITRESS: So, which one of you gentlemen is paying for this?
ALL THREE: Him!
*KUJA points at CYRAN, CYRAN points at STRAVO, and STRAVO points at KUJA*
WAITRESS: *laughs* Cute, guys. Now, who's paying?
CYRAN: Uh...we already paid.
WAITRESS: No you didn't.
CYRAN: Yes we did.
WAITRESS: No, you didn't!
STRAVO: *makes hypnotic passes* This meal is on the house.
WAITRESS: *getting mad* Listen, you guys nearly cleared out the storage bins! You ate more than our average dinner hour does! One of you is gonna pay!
*KUJA roughly sets his sledgehammer down on the table, hard enough to make the dishes and glasses rattle and causing the WAITRESS to jump, surprised*
KUJA: My trusty sledgehammer says we don't need to.
WAITRESS: Your trusty sledgehammer is an idiot.
CYRAN: LET HER LIVE, KUJA, LET HER LIVE!
*a MANAGER walks up to the table*
MANAGER: Is there a problem?
WAITRESS: Yeah, these guys won't-
KUJA: -give her a tip.
*the WAITRESS glares at KUJA for this interruption*
MANAGER: *angry* You're making all this fuss over not getting a tip?
WAITRESS: No! I-
MANAGER: Oh, get back to work!
*the WAITRESS slumps and leaves*
MANAGER: I'm very sorry about that, gentlemen. Consider your meal a gift from our establishment.
KUJA: That's very gracious of you. We accept.
*the three leave*
CYRAN: Close one.
KUJA: *feels around his pockets* Well, how about that, I had a twenty-dollar bill the whole time!
STRAVO: *sigh* Well, I'm glad that worked out. *under his breath* But what happened to Rob?
*cut to: DALTON still in his car, in yet another part of Manhattan*
DALTON: I am so lost.
*fade out*
Wherever you go, there you are.
Ripped Shirt Monkey - BOTMWriter's Guild Cybertron's Finest Justice League
This updated sig brought to you by JME2
Ripped Shirt Monkey - BOTMWriter's Guild Cybertron's Finest Justice League
This updated sig brought to you by JME2
PART 5: Bribery Works
*fade in on STRAVO'S apartment building, with KUJA'S Mustang parked outside. A voice is heard offscreen*
VOICE: My fruit stand!
*cut to: STRAVO'S living room. STRAVO is again seated at the computer. KUJA sits on the couch, watching CYRAN dig through their traveling bag*
KUJA: Find it yet?
*CYRAN sticks his entire head and both arms into the bag. STRAVO watches out of the corner of his eye*
CYRAN: Nope. I know it's in here somewhere.
*CYRAN pulls out a full-size refrigerator, a picnic table, and a stepladder*
STRAVO: How the hell did you fit all that in a gym bag?
CYRAN: Practice.
STRAVO: No wonder you screamed when it fell on you.
CYRAN: *growls* Don't remind me.
KUJA: Keep looking. It's gotta be in there.
*CYRAN continues searching through the bag while KUJA goes over to the fridge he pulled out and takes out a can of Dr. Pepper. He finishes it in one gulp, the crushes the can and tosses it out the window*
VOICE: Ow!
KUJA: Whoops.
*KUJA sits back down on the couch. STRAVO stands and stretches, then walks over to watch CYRAN*
STRAVO: So, what are you looking for?
CYRAN: *continues rummaging* Something we brought in case you finished the chapter early. Hey, here it is!
*CYRAN stands up. In his hand is a piece of purple paper*
STRAVO: So, what is that thing?
KUJA: Reservation tickets for four at King Steve's Kickass Restaurant.
STRAVO: Never heard of it.
KUJA: Didn't think you would. It's mostly a hangout for, um, special people.
STRAVO: Special like how?
KUJA: Well, mostly traveling Mages, Fighters, and such. MiB agents hang out there once in a while. That kind of thing.
STRAVO: Oh. Is that where we're going for dinner?
KUJA: Yes. On one condition. *STRAVO raises an eyebrow* You've gotta finish the chapter first.
STRAVO: *slumps* You jerk. *he blinks* Wait a minute, you said four reservations, right?
KUJA: You catch on quick. I was thinking that if you finish in time, I could call one of my lady friends to accompany you-
*STRAVO grabs KUJA*
STRAVO: Are you serious?! *KUJA nods* All RIGHT!
*STRAVO dashes over to the computer and begins typing so quickly his hands are nothing more than blurs. After seven seconds, he steps away from the sparking, smoking keyboard and proudly points to the monitor, which is now full of text.*
STRAVO: Done!
CYRAN: Holy shit.
KUJA: Damn, that was quick. OK, go get ready and I'll make my phone call.
*STRAVO nods and heads off to the bedroom. KUJA reaches into his robes and retrieves a cell phone*
CYRAN: So, who are you calling?
KUJA: *dialing* Well, there's only one member of the female persuasion I know who can come on such short notice.
CYRAN: You don't mean... *KUJA nods* But she'll kill you! Remember what you did to her wall?
KUJA: Shut up. *a moment of silence* Hey, it's me...yeah, it's KUJA, don't hang up. *CYRAN groans* I need your help with something...hey, stop laughing, I'm serious!...Anyway, me and Cyran are in New York forcing- *CYRAN kicks KUJA in the shin* -er, encouraging Stravo to write more Starcrossed. Anyway, we promised him dinner and a date tonight...yeah, that's why...no, Cyran and I have a separate table...no, we won't bother you...yes, I promise to remeian sober...you will? Great! I love you I love you I love you! So, how's the wall coming? *KUJA winces* I see.
CYRAN: Does she know where Stravo lives? She can meet us here.
KUJA: Good idea, do you know where Strav lives?...yeah, the big apartement building...well, there was a fruit stand outside, but someone destroyed it...I have no idea who...OK, that's it. I'll see you later. Bye! *KUJA hangs up*
CYRAN: She's gonna kill you, you know.
KUJA: Nah, she loves me.
CYRAN: You want that on your headstone?
KUJA: *winces* OK, so she's still a little sore about the wall, but come on! She's a nice person.
CYRAN: What did you do to her wall anyway?
KUJA: Well, there was a party, I got a little drunk, saw a bug, and I kind of tried to kill it, and...*he trails off*
CYRAN: Hadoken?
KUJA: Hadoken.
CYRAN: Smooth move, train wreck.
KUJA: Enough of the one-liners. Let's go get ready.
*fade out*
*fade in on STRAVO'S apartment building, with KUJA'S Mustang parked outside. A voice is heard offscreen*
VOICE: My fruit stand!
*cut to: STRAVO'S living room. STRAVO is again seated at the computer. KUJA sits on the couch, watching CYRAN dig through their traveling bag*
KUJA: Find it yet?
*CYRAN sticks his entire head and both arms into the bag. STRAVO watches out of the corner of his eye*
CYRAN: Nope. I know it's in here somewhere.
*CYRAN pulls out a full-size refrigerator, a picnic table, and a stepladder*
STRAVO: How the hell did you fit all that in a gym bag?
CYRAN: Practice.
STRAVO: No wonder you screamed when it fell on you.
CYRAN: *growls* Don't remind me.
KUJA: Keep looking. It's gotta be in there.
*CYRAN continues searching through the bag while KUJA goes over to the fridge he pulled out and takes out a can of Dr. Pepper. He finishes it in one gulp, the crushes the can and tosses it out the window*
VOICE: Ow!
KUJA: Whoops.
*KUJA sits back down on the couch. STRAVO stands and stretches, then walks over to watch CYRAN*
STRAVO: So, what are you looking for?
CYRAN: *continues rummaging* Something we brought in case you finished the chapter early. Hey, here it is!
*CYRAN stands up. In his hand is a piece of purple paper*
STRAVO: So, what is that thing?
KUJA: Reservation tickets for four at King Steve's Kickass Restaurant.
STRAVO: Never heard of it.
KUJA: Didn't think you would. It's mostly a hangout for, um, special people.
STRAVO: Special like how?
KUJA: Well, mostly traveling Mages, Fighters, and such. MiB agents hang out there once in a while. That kind of thing.
STRAVO: Oh. Is that where we're going for dinner?
KUJA: Yes. On one condition. *STRAVO raises an eyebrow* You've gotta finish the chapter first.
STRAVO: *slumps* You jerk. *he blinks* Wait a minute, you said four reservations, right?
KUJA: You catch on quick. I was thinking that if you finish in time, I could call one of my lady friends to accompany you-
*STRAVO grabs KUJA*
STRAVO: Are you serious?! *KUJA nods* All RIGHT!
*STRAVO dashes over to the computer and begins typing so quickly his hands are nothing more than blurs. After seven seconds, he steps away from the sparking, smoking keyboard and proudly points to the monitor, which is now full of text.*
STRAVO: Done!
CYRAN: Holy shit.
KUJA: Damn, that was quick. OK, go get ready and I'll make my phone call.
*STRAVO nods and heads off to the bedroom. KUJA reaches into his robes and retrieves a cell phone*
CYRAN: So, who are you calling?
KUJA: *dialing* Well, there's only one member of the female persuasion I know who can come on such short notice.
CYRAN: You don't mean... *KUJA nods* But she'll kill you! Remember what you did to her wall?
KUJA: Shut up. *a moment of silence* Hey, it's me...yeah, it's KUJA, don't hang up. *CYRAN groans* I need your help with something...hey, stop laughing, I'm serious!...Anyway, me and Cyran are in New York forcing- *CYRAN kicks KUJA in the shin* -er, encouraging Stravo to write more Starcrossed. Anyway, we promised him dinner and a date tonight...yeah, that's why...no, Cyran and I have a separate table...no, we won't bother you...yes, I promise to remeian sober...you will? Great! I love you I love you I love you! So, how's the wall coming? *KUJA winces* I see.
CYRAN: Does she know where Stravo lives? She can meet us here.
KUJA: Good idea, do you know where Strav lives?...yeah, the big apartement building...well, there was a fruit stand outside, but someone destroyed it...I have no idea who...OK, that's it. I'll see you later. Bye! *KUJA hangs up*
CYRAN: She's gonna kill you, you know.
KUJA: Nah, she loves me.
CYRAN: You want that on your headstone?
KUJA: *winces* OK, so she's still a little sore about the wall, but come on! She's a nice person.
CYRAN: What did you do to her wall anyway?
KUJA: Well, there was a party, I got a little drunk, saw a bug, and I kind of tried to kill it, and...*he trails off*
CYRAN: Hadoken?
KUJA: Hadoken.
CYRAN: Smooth move, train wreck.
KUJA: Enough of the one-liners. Let's go get ready.
*fade out*
PART 6: Poor Kuja
*fade in: STRAVO'S apartment, several hours later. CYRAN sits on the couch, flipping through TV channels. KUJA paces back and forth, muttering to himself. Running water is heard in the background*
CYRAN: Look, the worst that can happen is that she kills you.
*KUJA turns to glare at him*
KUJA: The next time you get one of your bright ideas, keep it to yourself.
*CYRAN shrugs and goes back to watching TV. KUJA resumes pacing. Several minutes pass before the doorbell rings. CYRAN leaps from his spot on the couch and hides behind the arm*
CYRAN: Answer it. I'll back you up.
KUJA: I hate you.
*KUJA slowly creeps over to the door, looks through the peephole, and turns the handle. He shuts his eyes, takes a deep breath, and yanks open the door*
KUJA: I SURRENDER IT WAS ONLY AN ACCIDENT I DIDN'T MEAN IT PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!
*ZAIA enters, rolling her eyes*
ZAIA: Well, aren't you the brave one?
*CYRAN pops out from his hiding spot*
CYRAN: Hi, Z! I didn't blow up your wall, so will you be nice to me?
*KUJA makes a strangled noise and falls to the floor*
ZAIA: Hey baby, long time no see! *she hugs him* Of course I'll be nice to you. I'm always nice.
*KUJA coughs*
ZAIA: Oh yes, you. That reminds me, there's one thing I want to clear up.
CYRAN: Uh oh.
*CYRAN ducks back behind the couch as ZAIA sprouts metal claws a la Lady Deathstrike. She then turns to face KUJA*
KUJA: Mommy.
*ZAIA launches herself at KUJA and both disappear in a massive, whirling cloud of smoke. Screams are heard, as well as catlike yowls. When the smoke finally clears, ZAIA is standing with her back to KUJA, who promptly falls to the ground. ZAIA retracts her claws and brushes some dust off her shoulders*
ZAIA: Well, that should just about cover the wall.
*CYRAN dashes over to KUJA*
CYRAN: Are you OK?
KUJA: *strained* Oh, the pain. Oh the incredible, indescribable, unbearable...pain!
ZAIA: So, where's Strav?
STRAVO: Coming!
*STRAVO walks in from the bedroom*
STRAVO: Hey, Zaia.
ZAIA: Hey! How've you been?
KUJA: ...bleeding to death...
STRAVO: Pretty good. I finally got my chapter finished.
ZAIA: Even with these two bugging you?
CYRAN: *jumping up* Hey, he wouldn't have finished it if it weren't for us!
KUJA: ...can't feel legs...
STRAVO: Well, they haven't been too much trouble, actually.
ZAIA: Oh, is that right?
CYRAN: Yeah, we bought him lunch! Well, kind of.
KUJA: ...eyesight fading...
ZAIA: Kind of?
STRAVO: Let's not dwell on the particulars.
CYRAN: Anyway, what's our plan for this evening?
KUJA: ...right lung collapsing...
STRAVO: I think we can walk. I checked the address and it's actually not too far.
ZAIA: Sounds good to me.
CYRAN: Cool. Kuja and I can tail you and watch out for troublemakers. Right, Kuja?
KUJA: ...so cold...so very cold...
ZAIA: Watch out for troublemakers? You and Kuja cause enough trouble all by yourselves!
STRAVO: She has a point.
CYRAN: Yeah, but at least we're the lovable troublemakers! Right, Kuja?
KUJA: ...I feel like I'm flying...
ZAIA: Well, I guess you have a point.
STRAVO: And if we walk, we might find out what happened to Rob.
ZAIA AND CYRAN: What?
KUJA: ...I see a white light...
STRAVO: Uh, I called Rob earlier, but he got lost. Maybe we'll spot him.
CYRAN: Oh, sure thing.
ZAIA: OK, let's go!
KUJA: ...no, make it flames. I see flames...
*fade out*
*fade in: STRAVO'S apartment, several hours later. CYRAN sits on the couch, flipping through TV channels. KUJA paces back and forth, muttering to himself. Running water is heard in the background*
CYRAN: Look, the worst that can happen is that she kills you.
*KUJA turns to glare at him*
KUJA: The next time you get one of your bright ideas, keep it to yourself.
*CYRAN shrugs and goes back to watching TV. KUJA resumes pacing. Several minutes pass before the doorbell rings. CYRAN leaps from his spot on the couch and hides behind the arm*
CYRAN: Answer it. I'll back you up.
KUJA: I hate you.
*KUJA slowly creeps over to the door, looks through the peephole, and turns the handle. He shuts his eyes, takes a deep breath, and yanks open the door*
KUJA: I SURRENDER IT WAS ONLY AN ACCIDENT I DIDN'T MEAN IT PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!
*ZAIA enters, rolling her eyes*
ZAIA: Well, aren't you the brave one?
*CYRAN pops out from his hiding spot*
CYRAN: Hi, Z! I didn't blow up your wall, so will you be nice to me?
*KUJA makes a strangled noise and falls to the floor*
ZAIA: Hey baby, long time no see! *she hugs him* Of course I'll be nice to you. I'm always nice.
*KUJA coughs*
ZAIA: Oh yes, you. That reminds me, there's one thing I want to clear up.
CYRAN: Uh oh.
*CYRAN ducks back behind the couch as ZAIA sprouts metal claws a la Lady Deathstrike. She then turns to face KUJA*
KUJA: Mommy.
*ZAIA launches herself at KUJA and both disappear in a massive, whirling cloud of smoke. Screams are heard, as well as catlike yowls. When the smoke finally clears, ZAIA is standing with her back to KUJA, who promptly falls to the ground. ZAIA retracts her claws and brushes some dust off her shoulders*
ZAIA: Well, that should just about cover the wall.
*CYRAN dashes over to KUJA*
CYRAN: Are you OK?
KUJA: *strained* Oh, the pain. Oh the incredible, indescribable, unbearable...pain!
ZAIA: So, where's Strav?
STRAVO: Coming!
*STRAVO walks in from the bedroom*
STRAVO: Hey, Zaia.
ZAIA: Hey! How've you been?
KUJA: ...bleeding to death...
STRAVO: Pretty good. I finally got my chapter finished.
ZAIA: Even with these two bugging you?
CYRAN: *jumping up* Hey, he wouldn't have finished it if it weren't for us!
KUJA: ...can't feel legs...
STRAVO: Well, they haven't been too much trouble, actually.
ZAIA: Oh, is that right?
CYRAN: Yeah, we bought him lunch! Well, kind of.
KUJA: ...eyesight fading...
ZAIA: Kind of?
STRAVO: Let's not dwell on the particulars.
CYRAN: Anyway, what's our plan for this evening?
KUJA: ...right lung collapsing...
STRAVO: I think we can walk. I checked the address and it's actually not too far.
ZAIA: Sounds good to me.
CYRAN: Cool. Kuja and I can tail you and watch out for troublemakers. Right, Kuja?
KUJA: ...so cold...so very cold...
ZAIA: Watch out for troublemakers? You and Kuja cause enough trouble all by yourselves!
STRAVO: She has a point.
CYRAN: Yeah, but at least we're the lovable troublemakers! Right, Kuja?
KUJA: ...I feel like I'm flying...
ZAIA: Well, I guess you have a point.
STRAVO: And if we walk, we might find out what happened to Rob.
ZAIA AND CYRAN: What?
KUJA: ...I see a white light...
STRAVO: Uh, I called Rob earlier, but he got lost. Maybe we'll spot him.
CYRAN: Oh, sure thing.
ZAIA: OK, let's go!
KUJA: ...no, make it flames. I see flames...
*fade out*
PART 7: Mistaken Identity
*fade in on the street outside STRAVO'S apartment building. STRAVO and ZAIA are walking down the sidewalk, with KUJA and CYRAN slightly behind them*
KUJA: So, how long do you think this'll take?
STRAVO: Not too long. *he blinks* Wait a minute. Weren't you bleeding to death a few minutes ago? How the hell did you recover?
KUJA: Because I am *dramatic pause* A BLACK MAGE! *thunder crashes*
STRAVO: Riiiiiiiight.
*the group continues walking for several minutes*
CYRAN: Hey, check it out! A hot dog stand!
KUJA: Let's buy some!
ZAIA: What are you talking about? We're walking to a restaurant for dinner and you want to stop and buy a hot dog?
BOTH: Yeah!
ZAIA: *sigh* Well, I suppose I can't argue with that.
STRAVO: We'll wait.
*KUJA and CYRAN dash over to the hot dog stand, where a man wearing a white robe and turban is cooking hot dogs*
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Hello! Can I help you infid- er, gentlemen?
CYRAN: Two hot dogs, please!
OSAMA: Of course!
*OSAMA turns to make the hot dogs. KUJA frowns and rubs his chin*
KUJA: You look familiar. Have we met before?
OSAMA: I do not believe so. You are not one who is familiar to me. I have only just recently arrived in this place here.
KUJA: Wait...aren't you that Bin Laden guy?
OSAMA: Um, no, of course not!
CYRAN: Then why do you have an AK-47 strapped to your back?
*OSAMA quickly whips the gun off and hides it under the stand*
OSAMA: It is not an AK-47, it is...an...it is a hot dog warmer!
CYRAN: Oh. My mistake.
OSAMA: It is no problem. *under his breath* You foolish American infidel.
*OSAMA finishes making the hot dogs and hands them to CYRAN*
OSAMA: Here you are! Enjoy!
CYRAN: Thanks!
KUJA: Wait a minute! I do know who you are!
*OSAMA reaches for his gun*
KUJA: You're Baghdad Bob! Hey, everyone! It's Baghdad Bob!
*a mob carrying torches and pitchforks appears out of nowhere, surrounds OSAMA, and drags him off*
OSAMA: NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
KUJA: And to think, Baghdad Bob made us hot dogs.
CYRAN: Sweetness.
*they walk back over to STRAVO and ZAIA*
KUJA: Ha ha! You just missed your brush with celebrity!
ZAIA: What are you talking about?
CYRAN: We just met Baghdad Bob! He made us hot dogs!
*STRAVO and ZAIA exchange a glance*
STRAVO: Right, whatever you say.
DALTON: Hey, Stravo!
*everyone turns to see ROB running up the street towards them, a big smile on his face*
DALTON: I found you, I found you, I finally found you!
*DALTON reaches STRAVO and lifts him off the ground in a bear hug. STRAVO'S bones begin to groan under ROB'S hug*
STRAVO: *strained* Um, nice to see you too, Rob.
DALTON: There I was driving all around Manhattan, with kiddie songs playing on my radio, thinking I would never find you, when all of a sudden I look out my window and see the four of you on the sidewalk!
STRAVO: Uh, Rob...
DALTON: I can't believe my luck! Who would've guessed I'd look out just in time to see you?
STRAVO: That's great, Rob. Now can you please set me down?
*DALTON releases STRAVO and steps back*
DALTON: So, where's Kuja and Cyran?
*KUJA and CYRAN step in. CYRAN is still eating his hot dog*
KUJA: Yo.
DALTON: OK then!
*DALTON reaches into his jacket and whips out his ridiculously massive arsenal of various blaster rifles, missile launchers, and other weapons. KUJA and CYRAN scream and turn to run, but accidentally slam into each other*
ZAIA: Rob, no!
*ZAIA grabs DALTON'S arm just as he somehow manages to pull every trigger at once. A massive salvo of beams, bullets, and missiles flies high into the air and detonates in a pretty light show high above New York. DALTON replaces his now-empty guns and turns to ZAIA*
DALTON: Why'd you stop me?
ZAIA: Well...
*KUJA and CYRAN scramble to their feet*
KUJA: What are you, nuts?!
STRAVO: Uh, I kind of hold responsibility for this. When you were chasing me around, I called Dalton and asked him to help me out. *he turns to DALTON* Sorry Rob, but I don't really need your help now. We've reached an agreement.
DALTON: *blinks* You mean...I came all the way out here, wandered around in traffic for hour after hour, listening to music that would make Darth Vader writhe in agony...for nothing?!
STRAVO: Yeah.
*DALTON begins shaking with rage*
DALTON: Now I'm beginning to get really angry...
*DALTON growls as his muscles bulge, veins stand out on his neck, and he begins to get taller. His voice deepens as he continues to grow, and his skin begins to turn green*
STRAVO: Uh oh.
ZAIA: Uh, Strav? What the hell's going on?
*STRAVO grabs ZAIA by the arm*
STRAVO: Don't ask stupid questions, just run!
*the two of them dart off as DALTON'S shirt and jacket are torn to shreds by his expanding frame. KUJA and CYRAN crane their heads back and begin frantically backing away*
CYRAN: Come on Rob, we didn't mean any harm!
KUJA: Y-yeah! This is all a misunderstanding!
*DALTON, now nine feet tall, green-skinned, full of muscle, and shaking in anger, has finished transforming into ROB SMASH*
SMASH: Rob smash you!
KUJA: This is bad.
*scene freezes. Fade out*
*fade in on the street outside STRAVO'S apartment building. STRAVO and ZAIA are walking down the sidewalk, with KUJA and CYRAN slightly behind them*
KUJA: So, how long do you think this'll take?
STRAVO: Not too long. *he blinks* Wait a minute. Weren't you bleeding to death a few minutes ago? How the hell did you recover?
KUJA: Because I am *dramatic pause* A BLACK MAGE! *thunder crashes*
STRAVO: Riiiiiiiight.
*the group continues walking for several minutes*
CYRAN: Hey, check it out! A hot dog stand!
KUJA: Let's buy some!
ZAIA: What are you talking about? We're walking to a restaurant for dinner and you want to stop and buy a hot dog?
BOTH: Yeah!
ZAIA: *sigh* Well, I suppose I can't argue with that.
STRAVO: We'll wait.
*KUJA and CYRAN dash over to the hot dog stand, where a man wearing a white robe and turban is cooking hot dogs*
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Hello! Can I help you infid- er, gentlemen?
CYRAN: Two hot dogs, please!
OSAMA: Of course!
*OSAMA turns to make the hot dogs. KUJA frowns and rubs his chin*
KUJA: You look familiar. Have we met before?
OSAMA: I do not believe so. You are not one who is familiar to me. I have only just recently arrived in this place here.
KUJA: Wait...aren't you that Bin Laden guy?
OSAMA: Um, no, of course not!
CYRAN: Then why do you have an AK-47 strapped to your back?
*OSAMA quickly whips the gun off and hides it under the stand*
OSAMA: It is not an AK-47, it is...an...it is a hot dog warmer!
CYRAN: Oh. My mistake.
OSAMA: It is no problem. *under his breath* You foolish American infidel.
*OSAMA finishes making the hot dogs and hands them to CYRAN*
OSAMA: Here you are! Enjoy!
CYRAN: Thanks!
KUJA: Wait a minute! I do know who you are!
*OSAMA reaches for his gun*
KUJA: You're Baghdad Bob! Hey, everyone! It's Baghdad Bob!
*a mob carrying torches and pitchforks appears out of nowhere, surrounds OSAMA, and drags him off*
OSAMA: NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
KUJA: And to think, Baghdad Bob made us hot dogs.
CYRAN: Sweetness.
*they walk back over to STRAVO and ZAIA*
KUJA: Ha ha! You just missed your brush with celebrity!
ZAIA: What are you talking about?
CYRAN: We just met Baghdad Bob! He made us hot dogs!
*STRAVO and ZAIA exchange a glance*
STRAVO: Right, whatever you say.
DALTON: Hey, Stravo!
*everyone turns to see ROB running up the street towards them, a big smile on his face*
DALTON: I found you, I found you, I finally found you!
*DALTON reaches STRAVO and lifts him off the ground in a bear hug. STRAVO'S bones begin to groan under ROB'S hug*
STRAVO: *strained* Um, nice to see you too, Rob.
DALTON: There I was driving all around Manhattan, with kiddie songs playing on my radio, thinking I would never find you, when all of a sudden I look out my window and see the four of you on the sidewalk!
STRAVO: Uh, Rob...
DALTON: I can't believe my luck! Who would've guessed I'd look out just in time to see you?
STRAVO: That's great, Rob. Now can you please set me down?
*DALTON releases STRAVO and steps back*
DALTON: So, where's Kuja and Cyran?
*KUJA and CYRAN step in. CYRAN is still eating his hot dog*
KUJA: Yo.
DALTON: OK then!
*DALTON reaches into his jacket and whips out his ridiculously massive arsenal of various blaster rifles, missile launchers, and other weapons. KUJA and CYRAN scream and turn to run, but accidentally slam into each other*
ZAIA: Rob, no!
*ZAIA grabs DALTON'S arm just as he somehow manages to pull every trigger at once. A massive salvo of beams, bullets, and missiles flies high into the air and detonates in a pretty light show high above New York. DALTON replaces his now-empty guns and turns to ZAIA*
DALTON: Why'd you stop me?
ZAIA: Well...
*KUJA and CYRAN scramble to their feet*
KUJA: What are you, nuts?!
STRAVO: Uh, I kind of hold responsibility for this. When you were chasing me around, I called Dalton and asked him to help me out. *he turns to DALTON* Sorry Rob, but I don't really need your help now. We've reached an agreement.
DALTON: *blinks* You mean...I came all the way out here, wandered around in traffic for hour after hour, listening to music that would make Darth Vader writhe in agony...for nothing?!
STRAVO: Yeah.
*DALTON begins shaking with rage*
DALTON: Now I'm beginning to get really angry...
*DALTON growls as his muscles bulge, veins stand out on his neck, and he begins to get taller. His voice deepens as he continues to grow, and his skin begins to turn green*
STRAVO: Uh oh.
ZAIA: Uh, Strav? What the hell's going on?
*STRAVO grabs ZAIA by the arm*
STRAVO: Don't ask stupid questions, just run!
*the two of them dart off as DALTON'S shirt and jacket are torn to shreds by his expanding frame. KUJA and CYRAN crane their heads back and begin frantically backing away*
CYRAN: Come on Rob, we didn't mean any harm!
KUJA: Y-yeah! This is all a misunderstanding!
*DALTON, now nine feet tall, green-skinned, full of muscle, and shaking in anger, has finished transforming into ROB SMASH*
SMASH: Rob smash you!
KUJA: This is bad.
*scene freezes. Fade out*
PART 8: Rob Smash Rumble, Pt 1
*fade in on ROB SMASH facing KUJA and CYRAN, both of whom have their weapons drawn*
CYRAN: Why us? How do we always get into these situations?
KUJA: Guess someone upstairs loves us.
SMASH: ROB SMASH!
*SMASH dives forward. KUJA and CYRAN dive out of the way as he crushes the blacktop where they were standing. Both black mages begin dodging back and forth as SMASH attempts to crush them. Camera pans to where ZAIA and STRAVO stand at the front of a large crowd watching*
STRAVO: I bet you twenty bucks that Rob beats the living crap out of 'em!
*ZAIA considers the bet*
ZAIA: OK, you're on!
CYRAN: HEEEEEEEEEYYYYYAAAAAAHHHH!
*CYRAN brings his knife down on ROB'S foot. ROB bellows*
SMASH: Ow! You stab Rob! Make Rob's foot hurt! NOW ROB HURT YOU!
CYRAN: Oh shit.
*SMASH grabs CYRAN in one hand, winds up, and throws him like a baseball*
CYRAN: HAAAAAAAAAAALP!
*CYRAN slams into the side of a building. KUJA dashes up and kneels next to him*
KUJA: Cyran! Are you OK?
CYRAN: *strained* I've just been thrown into a brick wall by a giant green moderator. What do you think?
KUJA: Hang in there.
*KUJA hauls CYRAN to his feet, and the two face SMASH*
KUJA: All right, let's get him!
*Both assume power-up stances. An aura of electricity surrounds CYRAN, while flames appear to engulf KUJA*
CYRAN: Bolt-2!
KUJA: Fire-3!
*A massive cyclone of fire and lightning engulfs ROB SMASH, who disappears with a bellow. KUJA and CYRAN catch their breaths*
CYRAN: Well, at least that's over.
*SMASH reappears, charging forward*
SMASH: ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!
*CYRAN jumps out of the way, but KUJA isn't quick enough. SMASH lowers his head and crushes him against the wall. The second he pulls back, KUJA flops to the ground*
CYRAN: Kuja! I've got an idea! Keep him busy for a minute!
KUJA: Yeah. No problem.
*CYRAN pulls out his traveling bag and begins digging through it. SMASH begins chasing KUJA around the street. KUJA attempts to hit him with the sledgehammer, but SMASH grabs the head in mid-swing*
SMASH: *evil laugh*
KUJA: Oh no.
*SMASH uses the hammer to fling KUJA high up in the air, then lets him drop to the concrete. As if that weren't bad enough, he then stomps on KUJA*
STRAVO: Yeah! Get him, Rob!
ZAIA: Hang in there, Kuja!
*KUJA manages to scurry away from SMASH and reaches into his robe*
KUJA: It's my turn!
*KUJA pulls out a large bomb from his robes and lights the fuse, then hauls off and throws it*
KUJA: Take this!
*the bomb bounces towards ROB'S feet, then continues rolling down the street*
KUJA: Dammit, I knew I should've cut the fuse.
*the bomb continues rolling down the street. Up ahead, RON JEREMY comes around the corner, talking on a cell phone*
JEREMY: No, look, tell him I won't do it for less than…well, fine! He can get somebody else!
*JEREMY hangs up as KUJA'S bomb rolls to a stop at his feet*
JEREMY: What the fu-
*KUJA'S bomb explodes, destroying everything within a nine-meter radius. Back at the fight, KUJA once again draws his sledgehammer. SMASH bashes his fists together*
SMASH: Now Rob smash Kuja!
KUJA: Bring it on!
*scene freezes. Fade out*
*fade in on ROB SMASH facing KUJA and CYRAN, both of whom have their weapons drawn*
CYRAN: Why us? How do we always get into these situations?
KUJA: Guess someone upstairs loves us.
SMASH: ROB SMASH!
*SMASH dives forward. KUJA and CYRAN dive out of the way as he crushes the blacktop where they were standing. Both black mages begin dodging back and forth as SMASH attempts to crush them. Camera pans to where ZAIA and STRAVO stand at the front of a large crowd watching*
STRAVO: I bet you twenty bucks that Rob beats the living crap out of 'em!
*ZAIA considers the bet*
ZAIA: OK, you're on!
CYRAN: HEEEEEEEEEYYYYYAAAAAAHHHH!
*CYRAN brings his knife down on ROB'S foot. ROB bellows*
SMASH: Ow! You stab Rob! Make Rob's foot hurt! NOW ROB HURT YOU!
CYRAN: Oh shit.
*SMASH grabs CYRAN in one hand, winds up, and throws him like a baseball*
CYRAN: HAAAAAAAAAAALP!
*CYRAN slams into the side of a building. KUJA dashes up and kneels next to him*
KUJA: Cyran! Are you OK?
CYRAN: *strained* I've just been thrown into a brick wall by a giant green moderator. What do you think?
KUJA: Hang in there.
*KUJA hauls CYRAN to his feet, and the two face SMASH*
KUJA: All right, let's get him!
*Both assume power-up stances. An aura of electricity surrounds CYRAN, while flames appear to engulf KUJA*
CYRAN: Bolt-2!
KUJA: Fire-3!
*A massive cyclone of fire and lightning engulfs ROB SMASH, who disappears with a bellow. KUJA and CYRAN catch their breaths*
CYRAN: Well, at least that's over.
*SMASH reappears, charging forward*
SMASH: ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!
*CYRAN jumps out of the way, but KUJA isn't quick enough. SMASH lowers his head and crushes him against the wall. The second he pulls back, KUJA flops to the ground*
CYRAN: Kuja! I've got an idea! Keep him busy for a minute!
KUJA: Yeah. No problem.
*CYRAN pulls out his traveling bag and begins digging through it. SMASH begins chasing KUJA around the street. KUJA attempts to hit him with the sledgehammer, but SMASH grabs the head in mid-swing*
SMASH: *evil laugh*
KUJA: Oh no.
*SMASH uses the hammer to fling KUJA high up in the air, then lets him drop to the concrete. As if that weren't bad enough, he then stomps on KUJA*
STRAVO: Yeah! Get him, Rob!
ZAIA: Hang in there, Kuja!
*KUJA manages to scurry away from SMASH and reaches into his robe*
KUJA: It's my turn!
*KUJA pulls out a large bomb from his robes and lights the fuse, then hauls off and throws it*
KUJA: Take this!
*the bomb bounces towards ROB'S feet, then continues rolling down the street*
KUJA: Dammit, I knew I should've cut the fuse.
*the bomb continues rolling down the street. Up ahead, RON JEREMY comes around the corner, talking on a cell phone*
JEREMY: No, look, tell him I won't do it for less than…well, fine! He can get somebody else!
*JEREMY hangs up as KUJA'S bomb rolls to a stop at his feet*
JEREMY: What the fu-
*KUJA'S bomb explodes, destroying everything within a nine-meter radius. Back at the fight, KUJA once again draws his sledgehammer. SMASH bashes his fists together*
SMASH: Now Rob smash Kuja!
KUJA: Bring it on!
*scene freezes. Fade out*
Wherever you go, there you are.
Ripped Shirt Monkey - BOTMWriter's Guild Cybertron's Finest Justice League
This updated sig brought to you by JME2
Ripped Shirt Monkey - BOTMWriter's Guild Cybertron's Finest Justice League
This updated sig brought to you by JME2
PART 9: Rob Smash Rumble, Pt 2
*fade in on the street. KUJA and SMASH face each other. CYRAN is digging through his bag. STRAVO and ZAIA are off to one side, watching. SMASH steps forward*
SMASH: ROB SMASH!
KUJA: I'll show you!
*they leap at each other. SMASH throws a punch, while KUJA swings his sledgehammer. The hammer hits SMASH'S hand. SMASH yelps and grabs his knuckles while KUJA drops his hammer and begins blowing on his fingers*
KUJA: Yeowch! Cyran, what's the story?
*CYRAN is reading from a manual. Various spare parts are scattered around him*
CYRAN: To loosen lock nut...
*SMASH begins to stomp towards KUJA. KUJA turns to run, but trips and falls on his face. SMASH grabs KUJA by the ankles and begins slamming him into the pavement over and over*
KUJA: Oh-god-the-pain-hurry-up-Cy-ran!
*CYRAN is in the process of assembling a massive tripod-mounted cannon*
CYRAN: Almost there. Just keep him busy!
*KUJA somehow gets free and begins leading SMASH around in circles*
KUJA: Oh, sure! No problem! I can handle this guy!
SMASH: Stand still and let Rob smash you!
KUJA: Not a snowball's chance in hell!
*CYRAN finishes assembling the cannon and stuffs a feeder tube into the bag*
CYRAN: OK! Lead him this way!
*KUJA runs straight towards CYRAN, SMASH following. CYRAN aims carefully and pulls the trigger. A white object is launched from the cannon, zips over KUJA'S head, and flies right into SMASH'S mouth. SMASH stops running, chews thoughtfully, then smiles*
SMASH: Sugar-coated.
*KUJA skids to a stop next to CYRAN*
KUJA: Open fire!
CYRAN: Yee-ha!
*CYRAN presses down the trigger and the donut cannon begins firing a rapid stream of various donut types. SMASH begins chomping them in midair, each donut pushing him back a step. SMASH is forced farther and farther back, growing smaller with each step. Slowly, he is transformed back into DALTON. CYRAN ceases fire and admires his handiwork. DALTON smiles contentedly and pats his stomach*
DALTON: Mmmmm, donuts.
KUJA: Happy?
DALTON: Quite.
CYRAN: Woohoo! We beat Rob Smash! Nothing can stop the Black Mages!
*CYRAN and KUJA do the BM dance while DALTON grabs another set of clothes and puts them on*
ZAIA: Looks like I win. Twenty bucks, please!
STRAVO: Dammit. I really thought Rob would win.
KUJA: Zaia, you rule!
*KUJA rushes towards ZAIA, his arms out for a hug. ZAIA brings her arm up, then decks KUJA and knocks him flat just as he reaches her*
KUJA: Oooooowwwwwwww...
ZAIA: Don't take it personally. I just happened to be betting on you, that's all.
KUJA: What happened to the sweet redhead I thought I knew?
ZAIA: You blew up the side of her house.
*KUJA groans*
CYRAN: Can I have a hug?
ZAIA: Sure!
*KUJA makes a noise of exasperation as he climbs to his feet. He looks at STRAVO, who shrugs and looks away. KUJA beings trembling with rage*
KUJA: *growls* Cyran, you have just earned my lifelong hatred. Someday, when you least expect it-
*ZAIA releases CYRAN and he walks over to KUJA*
CYRAN: Zaia's nice, isn't she?
KUJA: Yeah. Sure. *under his breath* I will kill you, and then I will eat you…with some chicken from KFC!
*DALTON suddenly comes up behind KUJA and crushes him in a bear hug*
DALTON: Thanks for the donuts!
KUJA: ACK! ROB, I CAN'T BREATHE! YOU'RE CRUSHING MY RIBS!
*DALTON releases KUJA, who falls to the ground. STRAVO checks his watch*
STRAVO: Come on, you guys, or we'll end up being late.
DALTON: Catch ya later!
ZAIA, STRAVO, AND CYRAN: Bye!
ZAIA: Kuja, say goodbye!
*KUJA remains silent. ZAIA glares at him and makes a clawing gesture*
KUJA: *growls* Bye.
*fade out*
*fade in on the street. KUJA and SMASH face each other. CYRAN is digging through his bag. STRAVO and ZAIA are off to one side, watching. SMASH steps forward*
SMASH: ROB SMASH!
KUJA: I'll show you!
*they leap at each other. SMASH throws a punch, while KUJA swings his sledgehammer. The hammer hits SMASH'S hand. SMASH yelps and grabs his knuckles while KUJA drops his hammer and begins blowing on his fingers*
KUJA: Yeowch! Cyran, what's the story?
*CYRAN is reading from a manual. Various spare parts are scattered around him*
CYRAN: To loosen lock nut...
*SMASH begins to stomp towards KUJA. KUJA turns to run, but trips and falls on his face. SMASH grabs KUJA by the ankles and begins slamming him into the pavement over and over*
KUJA: Oh-god-the-pain-hurry-up-Cy-ran!
*CYRAN is in the process of assembling a massive tripod-mounted cannon*
CYRAN: Almost there. Just keep him busy!
*KUJA somehow gets free and begins leading SMASH around in circles*
KUJA: Oh, sure! No problem! I can handle this guy!
SMASH: Stand still and let Rob smash you!
KUJA: Not a snowball's chance in hell!
*CYRAN finishes assembling the cannon and stuffs a feeder tube into the bag*
CYRAN: OK! Lead him this way!
*KUJA runs straight towards CYRAN, SMASH following. CYRAN aims carefully and pulls the trigger. A white object is launched from the cannon, zips over KUJA'S head, and flies right into SMASH'S mouth. SMASH stops running, chews thoughtfully, then smiles*
SMASH: Sugar-coated.
*KUJA skids to a stop next to CYRAN*
KUJA: Open fire!
CYRAN: Yee-ha!
*CYRAN presses down the trigger and the donut cannon begins firing a rapid stream of various donut types. SMASH begins chomping them in midair, each donut pushing him back a step. SMASH is forced farther and farther back, growing smaller with each step. Slowly, he is transformed back into DALTON. CYRAN ceases fire and admires his handiwork. DALTON smiles contentedly and pats his stomach*
DALTON: Mmmmm, donuts.
KUJA: Happy?
DALTON: Quite.
CYRAN: Woohoo! We beat Rob Smash! Nothing can stop the Black Mages!
*CYRAN and KUJA do the BM dance while DALTON grabs another set of clothes and puts them on*
ZAIA: Looks like I win. Twenty bucks, please!
STRAVO: Dammit. I really thought Rob would win.
KUJA: Zaia, you rule!
*KUJA rushes towards ZAIA, his arms out for a hug. ZAIA brings her arm up, then decks KUJA and knocks him flat just as he reaches her*
KUJA: Oooooowwwwwwww...
ZAIA: Don't take it personally. I just happened to be betting on you, that's all.
KUJA: What happened to the sweet redhead I thought I knew?
ZAIA: You blew up the side of her house.
*KUJA groans*
CYRAN: Can I have a hug?
ZAIA: Sure!
*KUJA makes a noise of exasperation as he climbs to his feet. He looks at STRAVO, who shrugs and looks away. KUJA beings trembling with rage*
KUJA: *growls* Cyran, you have just earned my lifelong hatred. Someday, when you least expect it-
*ZAIA releases CYRAN and he walks over to KUJA*
CYRAN: Zaia's nice, isn't she?
KUJA: Yeah. Sure. *under his breath* I will kill you, and then I will eat you…with some chicken from KFC!
*DALTON suddenly comes up behind KUJA and crushes him in a bear hug*
DALTON: Thanks for the donuts!
KUJA: ACK! ROB, I CAN'T BREATHE! YOU'RE CRUSHING MY RIBS!
*DALTON releases KUJA, who falls to the ground. STRAVO checks his watch*
STRAVO: Come on, you guys, or we'll end up being late.
DALTON: Catch ya later!
ZAIA, STRAVO, AND CYRAN: Bye!
ZAIA: Kuja, say goodbye!
*KUJA remains silent. ZAIA glares at him and makes a clawing gesture*
KUJA: *growls* Bye.
*fade out*
INTERLUDE: Continuity? What's That?
*fade in*
STRAVO: Hey, what the hell?
ZAIA: Where'd everything go!
DALTON: Hey, where's my car?
CYRAN: Yaaa! What happened to New York?
KUJA: Holy shit, what is this?
STRAVO: Does anyone know what's going on?
DALTON: Don't look at me!
CYRAN: Where are we?
KUJA: Looks like a big black void to me.
ZAIA: Don't be a smartass, this is serious.
KUJA: *growl*
STRAVO: All right, how did we end up here? More importantly, how do we get back?
KUJA: We can't.
ALL OTHERS: WHAT?
KUJA: Or at least, we can't do anything personally to get back.
KELLY ANTILLES: Hey, what's going on?
ZAIA: Kelly, is that you?
KELLY: Yeah, it's me. Where the hell are we?
DALTON: That's what we've been trying to figure out.
KELLY: Any luck?
CYRAN: Nope. We've just been yelling at each other.
KELLY: Typical.
STRAVO: Cyran, why don't you shut your mouth and let me think?
CYRAN: Oh, I wouldn't want to interrupt THAT, would I?
STRAVO: Come a little closer and say that.
CYRAN: Yeah right! What do you think I am, stupid?
STRAVO: Yeah!
CYRAN: Asshole!
DALTON: Will you two cut it out?
BOTH: NO!
ZAIA: Look, can we just calm down a bit and figure out where we are?
KUJA: I already told you.
ZAIA: No you didn't.
KUJA: Yes I did.
KELLY: Then repeat it.
KUJA: Fine. *a beat* We are in a place I like to call Limbo. Whenever I, that is, the real me, stop writing, all my characters and thoughts go into Limbo. They stay there until I start the story back up, at which point they all return to their normal universes.
STRAVO: So that's why we're here? You're not working on the story?
KUJA: Basically.
CYRAN: Lazy bastard.
DALTON: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
KUJA: No it's not.
DALTON: Yes it is. Limbo? A place for characters not being written or some gibberish? That's crazy.
KUJA: No it's not. You do it too.
DALTON: I do?
KUJA: Yep. Everyone does. Most characters don't remember it because when they return to their normal universes, it's like it never happened at all.
ZAIA: Wait a minute. If we're all characters from the story, then what's Kelly doing here?
KELLY: Yeah, what am I doing here?
KUJA: How should I know? I'm not me. Well, I am, but not in that sense.
*silence*
CYRAN: I hate you, KUJA.
KUJA: You can't hate me!
CYRAN: Why?
KUJA: Because I hate you! I'm the one holding the grudge here, remember?
CYRAN: Oh yeah.
KELLY: Why on Earth are you holding a grudge?
CYRAN: Because Zaia hugs me and not Kuja.
KUJA: *growl*
KELLY: *coldly* Oh. I see.
KUJA: It's only because you're not there, Kelly! If you were there, I wouldn't be worried about Zaia?
ZAIA: *coldly* Oh really?
KUJA: No! I mean, I like you too, Zaia, a lot, and-
KELLY: Oh, a lot, huh?
KUJA: No!
ZAIA: You don't?
KUJA: ACK! I can't flirt with two women at once!
DALTON: *to STRAVO* should we step in?
STRAVO: Nah, it's more fun to stand by and watch him flounder.
DALTON: Good point.
CYRAN: Ha! Now both of them hate you!
KUJA: Shut your trap!
CYRAN: Wanna make me, metalhead?
*KUJA begins trembling with rage*
KELLY: *to ZAIA* Hug him, will you? It'll be hell for all of us if you don't!
ZAIA: Oh, fine.
*ZAIA hugs KUJA*
KUJA: Yay!
CYRAN: Now that we're all happy again, *pulls a guitar out of his traveling bag* who's up for a round of Kum-by-a?
*group piles on CYRAN, and a cloud of smoke eclipses the severe beating he receives. When the smoke clears, his clothes are torn and rumpled and his guitar has been broken over his head*
CYRAN: *dreamily* Lookit the purty stars…
KELLY: Hey Kuja, if you're not working on the story, shouldn't you make a public service announcement or something? People are waiting, after all.
KUJA: Right. *clears throat* I'm sorry, everyone, but due to the presence of a skewered llama in my neighbor's backyard, I have been unable to work on this story.
*silence*
ZAIA: A skewered llama?
KUJA: Hey, it's as good a reason as any.
*more silence*
STRAVO: You are one royally fucked-up person, you know that?
KUJA: That's what the doctors say. Only they use a lot more syllables.
*fade out*
*fade in*
STRAVO: Hey, what the hell?
ZAIA: Where'd everything go!
DALTON: Hey, where's my car?
CYRAN: Yaaa! What happened to New York?
KUJA: Holy shit, what is this?
STRAVO: Does anyone know what's going on?
DALTON: Don't look at me!
CYRAN: Where are we?
KUJA: Looks like a big black void to me.
ZAIA: Don't be a smartass, this is serious.
KUJA: *growl*
STRAVO: All right, how did we end up here? More importantly, how do we get back?
KUJA: We can't.
ALL OTHERS: WHAT?
KUJA: Or at least, we can't do anything personally to get back.
KELLY ANTILLES: Hey, what's going on?
ZAIA: Kelly, is that you?
KELLY: Yeah, it's me. Where the hell are we?
DALTON: That's what we've been trying to figure out.
KELLY: Any luck?
CYRAN: Nope. We've just been yelling at each other.
KELLY: Typical.
STRAVO: Cyran, why don't you shut your mouth and let me think?
CYRAN: Oh, I wouldn't want to interrupt THAT, would I?
STRAVO: Come a little closer and say that.
CYRAN: Yeah right! What do you think I am, stupid?
STRAVO: Yeah!
CYRAN: Asshole!
DALTON: Will you two cut it out?
BOTH: NO!
ZAIA: Look, can we just calm down a bit and figure out where we are?
KUJA: I already told you.
ZAIA: No you didn't.
KUJA: Yes I did.
KELLY: Then repeat it.
KUJA: Fine. *a beat* We are in a place I like to call Limbo. Whenever I, that is, the real me, stop writing, all my characters and thoughts go into Limbo. They stay there until I start the story back up, at which point they all return to their normal universes.
STRAVO: So that's why we're here? You're not working on the story?
KUJA: Basically.
CYRAN: Lazy bastard.
DALTON: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
KUJA: No it's not.
DALTON: Yes it is. Limbo? A place for characters not being written or some gibberish? That's crazy.
KUJA: No it's not. You do it too.
DALTON: I do?
KUJA: Yep. Everyone does. Most characters don't remember it because when they return to their normal universes, it's like it never happened at all.
ZAIA: Wait a minute. If we're all characters from the story, then what's Kelly doing here?
KELLY: Yeah, what am I doing here?
KUJA: How should I know? I'm not me. Well, I am, but not in that sense.
*silence*
CYRAN: I hate you, KUJA.
KUJA: You can't hate me!
CYRAN: Why?
KUJA: Because I hate you! I'm the one holding the grudge here, remember?
CYRAN: Oh yeah.
KELLY: Why on Earth are you holding a grudge?
CYRAN: Because Zaia hugs me and not Kuja.
KUJA: *growl*
KELLY: *coldly* Oh. I see.
KUJA: It's only because you're not there, Kelly! If you were there, I wouldn't be worried about Zaia?
ZAIA: *coldly* Oh really?
KUJA: No! I mean, I like you too, Zaia, a lot, and-
KELLY: Oh, a lot, huh?
KUJA: No!
ZAIA: You don't?
KUJA: ACK! I can't flirt with two women at once!
DALTON: *to STRAVO* should we step in?
STRAVO: Nah, it's more fun to stand by and watch him flounder.
DALTON: Good point.
CYRAN: Ha! Now both of them hate you!
KUJA: Shut your trap!
CYRAN: Wanna make me, metalhead?
*KUJA begins trembling with rage*
KELLY: *to ZAIA* Hug him, will you? It'll be hell for all of us if you don't!
ZAIA: Oh, fine.
*ZAIA hugs KUJA*
KUJA: Yay!
CYRAN: Now that we're all happy again, *pulls a guitar out of his traveling bag* who's up for a round of Kum-by-a?
*group piles on CYRAN, and a cloud of smoke eclipses the severe beating he receives. When the smoke clears, his clothes are torn and rumpled and his guitar has been broken over his head*
CYRAN: *dreamily* Lookit the purty stars…
KELLY: Hey Kuja, if you're not working on the story, shouldn't you make a public service announcement or something? People are waiting, after all.
KUJA: Right. *clears throat* I'm sorry, everyone, but due to the presence of a skewered llama in my neighbor's backyard, I have been unable to work on this story.
*silence*
ZAIA: A skewered llama?
KUJA: Hey, it's as good a reason as any.
*more silence*
STRAVO: You are one royally fucked-up person, you know that?
KUJA: That's what the doctors say. Only they use a lot more syllables.
*fade out*
Part 10: Adventures in Womanizing
*fade in on STRAVO, ZAIA, KUJA, and CYRAN walking down the street, late afternoon*
KUJA: Are we there yet?
STRAVO: If we were, we wouldn't be walking, would we?
*KUJA sighs*
CYRAN: I'm hungry.
ZAIA: You scarfed down that hot dog less than ten minutes ago! How could you still be hungry?
KUJA: Hey, cut us a little slack. You didn't have to wage war against the angry green giant. That's enough to make anyone hungry.
*the group continues in silence for a few minutes. KUJA spies several females walking in the opposite direction*
KUJA: 'Scuse me.
*KUJA dashes off towards the group of women*
STRAVO: What's he-
CYRAN: Quiet. You gotta check this out.
*KUJA begins speaking to the group of women. One of them smiles and says something to the others, who also smile. KUJA takes out a little black book and begins scribbling something down*
STRAVO: Wow. That's pretty good.
*KUJA leaves the group of women and walks back to the others, still scribbling in his little black book*
KUJA: Hehe. Not bad. Jenna, Moana, Alisha, and Lola. I gotta remember this for my next trip here.
CYRAN: How do you do that?!
KUJA: Huh? Do what?
CYRAN: Everywhere we go, you're always finding these women…
KUJA: Yeah?
CYRAN: And I'm always by myself-
*KUJA bursts out laughing*
CYRAN: Oh, thanks a lot!
KUJA: Sorry, sorry. Just an automatic reaction. So, what you're saying is you wanna learn from the master?
CYRAN: Well, one little lesson can't hurt…
ZAIA: Don't do it, Cyran.
KUJA: *ignoring her* Well, let's find you a target. There, see that brunette there? Go up to her and say- *KUJA whispers in CYRAN'S ear*
CYRAN: Are you sure?
KUJA: Absolutely. Go for it.
*camera remains on KUJA, ZAIA, and STRAVO as CYRAN walks off*
CYRAN: *offscreen* Excuse me, miss.
GIRL: Yes?
CYRAN: I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
*a moment of silence, immediately followed by everyone onscreen wincing*
KUJA: Ouch.
STRAVO: Yikes.
ZAIA: That's not right.
*CYRAN staggers back onscreen*
KUJA: Sorry about that, buddy. I guess I should've mentioned that that line only has a twenty-percent success rate.
ZAIA: You keep success rates?!
KUJA: *confused* Well, yeah. Anyway, let's try again. See that blond chick over there? The one serving drinks? Tell her- *KUJA whispers in CYRAN'S ear* Trust me on this one, it ALWAYS works.
CYRAN: OK. *he walks off again* Pardon me.
GIRL 2: Can I help you?
CYRAN: Is that a run in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
*a moment of silence*
ALL: OH!
KUJA: Now that was totally uncalled for.
ZAIA: She must've had a bad night.
STRAVO: I wonder if she moonlights as a kick boxer?
*CYRAN staggers back, than falls over at KUJA'S feet. KUJA promptly helps him back up*
KUJA: Now, don't let this get you down, Captain. Third time's the charm. *KUJA scans the street for several minutes* OK, prime target. The redhead that just turned the corner. Tell her- *KUJA mumbles something* It's a bit less risqué, so I don't think you'll get…injured…again.
CYRAN: *sigh* OK. *he slowly walks off* Excuse me?
GIRL 3: Yes?
CYRAN: I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
GIRL 3: *laughs* Well, aren't you cute? What's your name, sweetie?
CYRAN: I'm Cyran! Say, has anyone ever told you that you bear a striking resemblance to Captain…Kathryn…Jane…way…
*CYRAN runs back onscreen*
CYRAN: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
*CYRAN runs off the other side of the screen*
KUJA: Come on!
*everyone else chases CYRAN down the street*
KATE MULGREW: Now what in God's name was that all about?
*CUT TO: the door of a men's bathroom. ZAIA leans against the wall and sighs. CUT TO: inside the bathroom. CYRAN is holding his head under the faucet of a sink while KUJA and STRAVO stand by*
CYRAN: UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!
KUJA: *softly* God, revenge is sweet.
STRAVO: What?
KUJA: *panicking* I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!
STRAVO: Okay, okay! Jeez!
*fade out*
*fade in on STRAVO, ZAIA, KUJA, and CYRAN walking down the street, late afternoon*
KUJA: Are we there yet?
STRAVO: If we were, we wouldn't be walking, would we?
*KUJA sighs*
CYRAN: I'm hungry.
ZAIA: You scarfed down that hot dog less than ten minutes ago! How could you still be hungry?
KUJA: Hey, cut us a little slack. You didn't have to wage war against the angry green giant. That's enough to make anyone hungry.
*the group continues in silence for a few minutes. KUJA spies several females walking in the opposite direction*
KUJA: 'Scuse me.
*KUJA dashes off towards the group of women*
STRAVO: What's he-
CYRAN: Quiet. You gotta check this out.
*KUJA begins speaking to the group of women. One of them smiles and says something to the others, who also smile. KUJA takes out a little black book and begins scribbling something down*
STRAVO: Wow. That's pretty good.
*KUJA leaves the group of women and walks back to the others, still scribbling in his little black book*
KUJA: Hehe. Not bad. Jenna, Moana, Alisha, and Lola. I gotta remember this for my next trip here.
CYRAN: How do you do that?!
KUJA: Huh? Do what?
CYRAN: Everywhere we go, you're always finding these women…
KUJA: Yeah?
CYRAN: And I'm always by myself-
*KUJA bursts out laughing*
CYRAN: Oh, thanks a lot!
KUJA: Sorry, sorry. Just an automatic reaction. So, what you're saying is you wanna learn from the master?
CYRAN: Well, one little lesson can't hurt…
ZAIA: Don't do it, Cyran.
KUJA: *ignoring her* Well, let's find you a target. There, see that brunette there? Go up to her and say- *KUJA whispers in CYRAN'S ear*
CYRAN: Are you sure?
KUJA: Absolutely. Go for it.
*camera remains on KUJA, ZAIA, and STRAVO as CYRAN walks off*
CYRAN: *offscreen* Excuse me, miss.
GIRL: Yes?
CYRAN: I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
*a moment of silence, immediately followed by everyone onscreen wincing*
KUJA: Ouch.
STRAVO: Yikes.
ZAIA: That's not right.
*CYRAN staggers back onscreen*
KUJA: Sorry about that, buddy. I guess I should've mentioned that that line only has a twenty-percent success rate.
ZAIA: You keep success rates?!
KUJA: *confused* Well, yeah. Anyway, let's try again. See that blond chick over there? The one serving drinks? Tell her- *KUJA whispers in CYRAN'S ear* Trust me on this one, it ALWAYS works.
CYRAN: OK. *he walks off again* Pardon me.
GIRL 2: Can I help you?
CYRAN: Is that a run in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
*a moment of silence*
ALL: OH!
KUJA: Now that was totally uncalled for.
ZAIA: She must've had a bad night.
STRAVO: I wonder if she moonlights as a kick boxer?
*CYRAN staggers back, than falls over at KUJA'S feet. KUJA promptly helps him back up*
KUJA: Now, don't let this get you down, Captain. Third time's the charm. *KUJA scans the street for several minutes* OK, prime target. The redhead that just turned the corner. Tell her- *KUJA mumbles something* It's a bit less risqué, so I don't think you'll get…injured…again.
CYRAN: *sigh* OK. *he slowly walks off* Excuse me?
GIRL 3: Yes?
CYRAN: I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
GIRL 3: *laughs* Well, aren't you cute? What's your name, sweetie?
CYRAN: I'm Cyran! Say, has anyone ever told you that you bear a striking resemblance to Captain…Kathryn…Jane…way…
*CYRAN runs back onscreen*
CYRAN: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
*CYRAN runs off the other side of the screen*
KUJA: Come on!
*everyone else chases CYRAN down the street*
KATE MULGREW: Now what in God's name was that all about?
*CUT TO: the door of a men's bathroom. ZAIA leans against the wall and sighs. CUT TO: inside the bathroom. CYRAN is holding his head under the faucet of a sink while KUJA and STRAVO stand by*
CYRAN: UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!
KUJA: *softly* God, revenge is sweet.
STRAVO: What?
KUJA: *panicking* I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!
STRAVO: Okay, okay! Jeez!
*fade out*
Part 11: Grab the Nickel!
*fade in on STRAVO, ZAIA, KUJA, and CYRAN walking down yet another street. CYRAN is continually groaning*
CYRAN: Unclean…unclean…
KUJA: Will you shut up already? It's not like you kissed her or anything.
*CYRAN goes into dry heaves*
KUJA: Whoops, uh...heheh.
*STRAVO and ZAIA look at each other*
ZAIA: Is it me, or are they getting on your nerves, too?
STRAVO: Wanna ditch them?
ZAIA: How?
STRAVO: Watch. Hey Kuja, Cyran!
BOTH: What?
STRAVO: Look over there! It's something shiny!
BOTH: WHERE?!
*KUJA and CYRAN stampede off in the direction indicated. STRAVO grabs ZAIA by the arm*
STRAVO: OK, let's go!
*they run off. CUT TO: a nearby alley. KUJA and CYRAN dash in and begin frantically searching*
KUJA: See it yet?
CYRAN: No! There's nothing shiny here!
KUJA: Dammit! Well, keep-hey! A nickel!
CYRAN: Sweet!
*CYRAN reaches down to pick up the nickel, but KUJA slaps his hand away*
KUJA: Hey, asshole, I saw it first!
CYRAN: So what?
*CYRAN reaches a second time, but KUJA slaps his hand again*
CYRAN: Stop that, jerk!
*KUJA reaches for the nickel, but CYRAN yells and tackles him. They begin an all-out fistfight. CUT TO: STRAVO and ZAIA*
ZAIA: I think we lost them.
STRAVO: Finally. Now, as long as they don't blow up half the city while we're not looking, we should be home free.
KUJA: *offscreen* Hey! Wait up!
STRAVO: Dammit.
*KUJA and CYRAN run on. They hold the nickel between the two of them*
CYRAN: Thanks for the tip, Stravo! You're awesome!
STRAVO: Yeah. Sure.
ZAIA: Why are you guys holding it like that?
KUJA: Well, we couldn't decide who should hold onto it, so we both did.
*STRAVO and ZAIA glance at each other. STRAVO suddenly reaches into a pocket and pulls out the reservations*
STRAVO: Well, here's the address.
CYRAN: Yay!
KUJA: Food!
ZAIA: And no beer.
KUJA: Awwwwww...
*fade out*
*fade in on STRAVO, ZAIA, KUJA, and CYRAN walking down yet another street. CYRAN is continually groaning*
CYRAN: Unclean…unclean…
KUJA: Will you shut up already? It's not like you kissed her or anything.
*CYRAN goes into dry heaves*
KUJA: Whoops, uh...heheh.
*STRAVO and ZAIA look at each other*
ZAIA: Is it me, or are they getting on your nerves, too?
STRAVO: Wanna ditch them?
ZAIA: How?
STRAVO: Watch. Hey Kuja, Cyran!
BOTH: What?
STRAVO: Look over there! It's something shiny!
BOTH: WHERE?!
*KUJA and CYRAN stampede off in the direction indicated. STRAVO grabs ZAIA by the arm*
STRAVO: OK, let's go!
*they run off. CUT TO: a nearby alley. KUJA and CYRAN dash in and begin frantically searching*
KUJA: See it yet?
CYRAN: No! There's nothing shiny here!
KUJA: Dammit! Well, keep-hey! A nickel!
CYRAN: Sweet!
*CYRAN reaches down to pick up the nickel, but KUJA slaps his hand away*
KUJA: Hey, asshole, I saw it first!
CYRAN: So what?
*CYRAN reaches a second time, but KUJA slaps his hand again*
CYRAN: Stop that, jerk!
*KUJA reaches for the nickel, but CYRAN yells and tackles him. They begin an all-out fistfight. CUT TO: STRAVO and ZAIA*
ZAIA: I think we lost them.
STRAVO: Finally. Now, as long as they don't blow up half the city while we're not looking, we should be home free.
KUJA: *offscreen* Hey! Wait up!
STRAVO: Dammit.
*KUJA and CYRAN run on. They hold the nickel between the two of them*
CYRAN: Thanks for the tip, Stravo! You're awesome!
STRAVO: Yeah. Sure.
ZAIA: Why are you guys holding it like that?
KUJA: Well, we couldn't decide who should hold onto it, so we both did.
*STRAVO and ZAIA glance at each other. STRAVO suddenly reaches into a pocket and pulls out the reservations*
STRAVO: Well, here's the address.
CYRAN: Yay!
KUJA: Food!
ZAIA: And no beer.
KUJA: Awwwwww...
*fade out*
Part 12: BEGIN THE CAMEOS!
*fade in on the interior of King Steve's Kickass Restaurant. The main characters enter (followed immediately by KUJA and CYRAN) and scope the place out*
CYRAN: What's with those guys in the bright green and yellow? My eyes hurt just looking at them!
KUJA: They're MiB agents.
CYRAN: You're kidding.
KUJA: Nope.
STRAVO: Jeez, how can that one stand to wear a bright red tie over a striped blue and orange shirt? Ouch!
KUJA: Well, if you had to wear one suit every day of your life, wouldn't you go for a little variety in your time off?
ZAIA: Variety is one thing, but total insanity is something else.
CYRAN: Hey, I didn't do anything!
ZAIA: Not you, hon.
CYRAN: Oh, OK.
KUJA: *growls*
HOSTESS: Hi there, party of four?
*ZAIA quickly yanks STRAVO away from the black mages*
ZAIA: No, two parties of two.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
STRAVO: Yeah, all of us do. Here.
HOSTESS: OK then, I can seat you two right away! *she turns to KUJA and CYRAN* I'll be back for you in a minute. *she turns back to STRAVO and ZAIA* Please follow me. *they walk off*
KUJA: Yeah, you'll be back for me alright. Hehe.
CYRAN: I don't think that's quite what she-
KUJA: Hush.
HOSTESS: OK, now follow me boys!
KUJA: Yes, ma'am!
CYRAN: Easy there, sparky.
*the HOSTESS leads them to a table*
CYRAN: Cool. We get a booth.
*they sit*
HOSTESS: Your waiter should be along in just a minute. Enjoy your meal!
KUJA: *as she walks off* I'm sure I will.
*CYRAN takes a moment to sniff the air*
CYRAN: Mmmmmm, that smells good.
*CUT TO: the table where STRAVO and ZAIA are seated. STRAVO sniffs the air*
STRAVO: That smells horrible! I wonder who the cook is?
*CUT TO: the restaurant's kitchen, where four very familiar figures dressed in cooks' outfits are arguing*
BLACKMAGE: I'm telling ya, it's twenty minutes!
THIEF: Cookbook says it's fifteen.
BLACKMAGE: Is that so?
*he grabs the cookbook and hurls it out the window*
REDMAGE: Was that really necessary?
BLACKMAGE: I assure you, it was the most expedient way of solving this dispute.
THIEF: I still say we cook it for fifteen.
REDMAGE: I'm with Thief.
THIEF: What about you, Fighter?
FIGHTER: This coffee needs more sugar.
*the other three turn to see FIGHTER drinking out of the sugar cup*
BLACKMAGE: Hey, Fighter, there's...A MASSIVE BLACK WIDOW ON YOUR SHOULDER!
*FIGHTER panics and runs off screaming*
BLACKMAGE: Now that the opinion of Captain Dumbass has been weighed and summarily rejected, we can get back to ending this argument. Namely, by doing it my way.
THIEF: But Red Mage and I both say to do it the other way!
BLACKMAGE: Too bad. As the head chef, my vote counts as three.
REDMAGE: Bullshit!
*BLACKMAGE grabs his knife*
BLACKMAGE: We can do this the easy way or the extraordinarily painful way. Your choice.
FIGHTER: IT'S IN MY HAAAAAAIIIIIIIIRRRRRR!
*CUT TO: STRAVO and ZAIA*
STRAVO: So how did Kuja convince you to drive up here on such short notice?
ZAIA: Well, he promised me two things.
STRAVO: What?
ZAIA: Well, first that he and Cyran would get a separate table, and second, that he wouldn't dare touch alcohol.
STRAVO: Is it true that he got drunk one time-
ZAIA: Yes.
STRAVO: And he blew up your-
ZAIA: Yes.
STRAVO: No wonder you sliced him up when you got here.
ZAIA: Believe me, he deserved it.
STRAVO: Well, I hope I never end up on your bad side.
ZAIA: *winks* Oh, don't worry. I don't get that angry very often. *she smiles* Really.
WHITE MAGE: Pardon me, folks. Can I take your drink orders?
ZAIA: I'll have a Dr. Pepper.
WHITE MAGE: And for you?
STRAVO: Just an ice water.
WHITE MAGE: Alright then, here are your menus, I'll be back in a minute!
STRAVO: She looks familiar…
*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN, who are now arguing about drink orders*
KUJA: But they've got Coors!
CYRAN: You promised Zaia! No beer!
KUJA: I won't get drunk, for crying out loud! Anyway- oh, be quiet, here comes our waiter.
GARLAND: Howdy, boys! Here's your menus, can I get you started off with something to drink?
CYRAN: I'll have a coke.
KUJA: I'll have a brewski.
*CYRAN glares*
GARLAND: Sure thing, sir. May I see your ID? *KUJA hands it over* Well, I'm sorry, but you're below the age limit. Can I get you a-
*KUJA grabs GARLAND by the armor and pulls him down so that they're face-to-face*
KUJA: Beer. Lots of it. Right now.
GARLAND: YES SIR! COMING RIGHT UP!
*KUJA releases GARLAND, who promptly scampers off. KUJA sits back and grins smugly*
CYRAN: Zaia's gonna kill you.
KUJA: She won't ever know. And I'm not going to blow up a wall this time. *he sniffs the air again* Wow, does that ever smell good! *he turns to face the table behind him* Excuse me, but what's that you're eating?
DRIZZ'L: Broiled Creep.
KUJA: Sounds good.
BIKKE: Yar, I likes the Werewolf Platter meself.
KUJA: Tender?
BIKKE: Yar, quite. I wonders how they get it so soft.
*CUT TO: a meat locker with rows of hanging slabs. BLACKBELT flies out from between two slabs and nails a third with a flying kick. Then, he turns and begins throwing kicks at another before beating a final slab with iron nunchucks, screaming nonsense karate yells at peak volume*
BLACKBELT: YAAAAAAA-TAI! KIAIA! KIYAI! MUSKA! SIK-AYIA!
*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN, who are now reading their menus*
KUJA: Hmmmm. So many choices. I wonder what to get.
CYRAN: The Flare Steak sounds good. So does the Vorpal-Kabob.
*CUT TO: STRAVO and ZAIA*
STRAVO: Evil Pie? I'm almost afraid to ask.
ZAIA: Well, I doubt you can go wrong with the Holy Ravioli. *she chuckles*
*CUT TO: the bar of the restaurant*
SARAH: Hey Garland! You remembered to check ID, right?
GARLAND: Of course I did! What do I look like, an incompetent?!
SARAH: Well-
GARLAND: DON'T ANSWER THAT!
WHITE MAGE: Can we please ease up on the shouting?
GARLAND: Never mind! I've got drinks to serve!
*GARLAND dashes off*
PATRON: 'Scuse me, miss?
WHITE MAGE: Yes, can I help you?
PATRON: I've been waiting for over a half hour. Is there something wrong in the kitchen?
*a muffled explosion is heard*
WHITE MAGE: *quickly* Not that I'm aware of. Don't worry, I promise I'll get your order out as soon as possible.
*fade out*
*fade in on the interior of King Steve's Kickass Restaurant. The main characters enter (followed immediately by KUJA and CYRAN) and scope the place out*
CYRAN: What's with those guys in the bright green and yellow? My eyes hurt just looking at them!
KUJA: They're MiB agents.
CYRAN: You're kidding.
KUJA: Nope.
STRAVO: Jeez, how can that one stand to wear a bright red tie over a striped blue and orange shirt? Ouch!
KUJA: Well, if you had to wear one suit every day of your life, wouldn't you go for a little variety in your time off?
ZAIA: Variety is one thing, but total insanity is something else.
CYRAN: Hey, I didn't do anything!
ZAIA: Not you, hon.
CYRAN: Oh, OK.
KUJA: *growls*
HOSTESS: Hi there, party of four?
*ZAIA quickly yanks STRAVO away from the black mages*
ZAIA: No, two parties of two.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
STRAVO: Yeah, all of us do. Here.
HOSTESS: OK then, I can seat you two right away! *she turns to KUJA and CYRAN* I'll be back for you in a minute. *she turns back to STRAVO and ZAIA* Please follow me. *they walk off*
KUJA: Yeah, you'll be back for me alright. Hehe.
CYRAN: I don't think that's quite what she-
KUJA: Hush.
HOSTESS: OK, now follow me boys!
KUJA: Yes, ma'am!
CYRAN: Easy there, sparky.
*the HOSTESS leads them to a table*
CYRAN: Cool. We get a booth.
*they sit*
HOSTESS: Your waiter should be along in just a minute. Enjoy your meal!
KUJA: *as she walks off* I'm sure I will.
*CYRAN takes a moment to sniff the air*
CYRAN: Mmmmmm, that smells good.
*CUT TO: the table where STRAVO and ZAIA are seated. STRAVO sniffs the air*
STRAVO: That smells horrible! I wonder who the cook is?
*CUT TO: the restaurant's kitchen, where four very familiar figures dressed in cooks' outfits are arguing*
BLACKMAGE: I'm telling ya, it's twenty minutes!
THIEF: Cookbook says it's fifteen.
BLACKMAGE: Is that so?
*he grabs the cookbook and hurls it out the window*
REDMAGE: Was that really necessary?
BLACKMAGE: I assure you, it was the most expedient way of solving this dispute.
THIEF: I still say we cook it for fifteen.
REDMAGE: I'm with Thief.
THIEF: What about you, Fighter?
FIGHTER: This coffee needs more sugar.
*the other three turn to see FIGHTER drinking out of the sugar cup*
BLACKMAGE: Hey, Fighter, there's...A MASSIVE BLACK WIDOW ON YOUR SHOULDER!
*FIGHTER panics and runs off screaming*
BLACKMAGE: Now that the opinion of Captain Dumbass has been weighed and summarily rejected, we can get back to ending this argument. Namely, by doing it my way.
THIEF: But Red Mage and I both say to do it the other way!
BLACKMAGE: Too bad. As the head chef, my vote counts as three.
REDMAGE: Bullshit!
*BLACKMAGE grabs his knife*
BLACKMAGE: We can do this the easy way or the extraordinarily painful way. Your choice.
FIGHTER: IT'S IN MY HAAAAAAIIIIIIIIRRRRRR!
*CUT TO: STRAVO and ZAIA*
STRAVO: So how did Kuja convince you to drive up here on such short notice?
ZAIA: Well, he promised me two things.
STRAVO: What?
ZAIA: Well, first that he and Cyran would get a separate table, and second, that he wouldn't dare touch alcohol.
STRAVO: Is it true that he got drunk one time-
ZAIA: Yes.
STRAVO: And he blew up your-
ZAIA: Yes.
STRAVO: No wonder you sliced him up when you got here.
ZAIA: Believe me, he deserved it.
STRAVO: Well, I hope I never end up on your bad side.
ZAIA: *winks* Oh, don't worry. I don't get that angry very often. *she smiles* Really.
WHITE MAGE: Pardon me, folks. Can I take your drink orders?
ZAIA: I'll have a Dr. Pepper.
WHITE MAGE: And for you?
STRAVO: Just an ice water.
WHITE MAGE: Alright then, here are your menus, I'll be back in a minute!
STRAVO: She looks familiar…
*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN, who are now arguing about drink orders*
KUJA: But they've got Coors!
CYRAN: You promised Zaia! No beer!
KUJA: I won't get drunk, for crying out loud! Anyway- oh, be quiet, here comes our waiter.
GARLAND: Howdy, boys! Here's your menus, can I get you started off with something to drink?
CYRAN: I'll have a coke.
KUJA: I'll have a brewski.
*CYRAN glares*
GARLAND: Sure thing, sir. May I see your ID? *KUJA hands it over* Well, I'm sorry, but you're below the age limit. Can I get you a-
*KUJA grabs GARLAND by the armor and pulls him down so that they're face-to-face*
KUJA: Beer. Lots of it. Right now.
GARLAND: YES SIR! COMING RIGHT UP!
*KUJA releases GARLAND, who promptly scampers off. KUJA sits back and grins smugly*
CYRAN: Zaia's gonna kill you.
KUJA: She won't ever know. And I'm not going to blow up a wall this time. *he sniffs the air again* Wow, does that ever smell good! *he turns to face the table behind him* Excuse me, but what's that you're eating?
DRIZZ'L: Broiled Creep.
KUJA: Sounds good.
BIKKE: Yar, I likes the Werewolf Platter meself.
KUJA: Tender?
BIKKE: Yar, quite. I wonders how they get it so soft.
*CUT TO: a meat locker with rows of hanging slabs. BLACKBELT flies out from between two slabs and nails a third with a flying kick. Then, he turns and begins throwing kicks at another before beating a final slab with iron nunchucks, screaming nonsense karate yells at peak volume*
BLACKBELT: YAAAAAAA-TAI! KIAIA! KIYAI! MUSKA! SIK-AYIA!
*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN, who are now reading their menus*
KUJA: Hmmmm. So many choices. I wonder what to get.
CYRAN: The Flare Steak sounds good. So does the Vorpal-Kabob.
*CUT TO: STRAVO and ZAIA*
STRAVO: Evil Pie? I'm almost afraid to ask.
ZAIA: Well, I doubt you can go wrong with the Holy Ravioli. *she chuckles*
*CUT TO: the bar of the restaurant*
SARAH: Hey Garland! You remembered to check ID, right?
GARLAND: Of course I did! What do I look like, an incompetent?!
SARAH: Well-
GARLAND: DON'T ANSWER THAT!
WHITE MAGE: Can we please ease up on the shouting?
GARLAND: Never mind! I've got drinks to serve!
*GARLAND dashes off*
PATRON: 'Scuse me, miss?
WHITE MAGE: Yes, can I help you?
PATRON: I've been waiting for over a half hour. Is there something wrong in the kitchen?
*a muffled explosion is heard*
WHITE MAGE: *quickly* Not that I'm aware of. Don't worry, I promise I'll get your order out as soon as possible.
*fade out*
Part 13: Oh, not good
*fade in on KUJA and CYRAN, who have both set their menus down on their table. GARLAND rushes up, carrying a tray with a coke and two pitches of beer*
GARLAND: Here...you...are...gentlemen.
KUJA: *frosty* About time.
GARLAND: Sorry...for the wait. Are you...ready to order?
CYRAN: Yep.
*GARLAND pulls out a pad and pencil*
GARLAND: So, what'll it be?
CYRAN: I'll have the Family Special #6!
GARLAND: Uh…but that serves eight people! Are the two of you really-
CYRAN: Oh no. This is just for me.
*GARLAND drops his pad*
KUJA: I'll have the same.
*GARLAND drops his pencil*
KUJA: And an apple pie with that.
*GARLAND'S jaw drops*
CYRAN: Stop competing with me!
KUJA: I'm not competing with you.
*GARLAND gathers up his stuff*
GARLAND: Well then, gentlemen, thank you, and I'll have your food out as soon it's ready.
KUJA: Good man.
*he flips GARLAND the nickel. GARLAND catches it, fumbles, and runs off. CUT TO: the kitchen, which is now charred and blackened. THIEF pops his head up over one counter*
BLACKMAGE: YAAAAAAAAAAA!
*BLACKMAGE leaps over the counter and tackles THIEF. Both of them disappear behind the counter. Punches are heard. GARLAND rushes in*
GARLAND: Hey guys, big order!
BLACKMAGE: AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
*BLACKMAGE launches himself at GARLAND. CUT TO: the restaurant. All activity ceases as BLACKMAGE and GARLAND burst through the kitchen doors, rolling over each other again and again*
STRAVO: What the-
ZAIA: What in-
*the two combatants finally roll to a stop at the foot of KUJA and CYRAN'S table. BLACKMAGE decks GARLAND one final time, then stands. KUJA, CYRAN, and BLACKMAGE all lock gazes. Expressions of horror slowly crawl across their faces*
BLACKMAGE: Wha-bu-mu-cu-
KUJA: Who-yo-I-no-whe-
CYRAN: Se-ke-me-ne-
*all three suddenly burst out screaming. BLACKMAGE turns and runs back into the kitchen. KUJA scrambles over the booth divider and dives behind DRIZZ'l'S table. CYRAN leaps out of the booth, runs across the room, and latches onto ZAIA'S leg*
ZAIA: Hey!
CYRAN: *bawling* Help me!
DRIZZ'l: Buddy, what the hell are you doing?
BIKKE: Yar, what's the big idea?
KUJA: Shut up! Just shut up!
*CUT TO: the kitchen. BLACKMAGE is curled up into a ball, rocking back and forth in one corner with his comrades standing over him*
BLACKMAGE: *weakly* It was horrible...they looked...just like me!
REDMAGE: What should we do with him?
THIEF: Let's just leave him alone for a while and see if he gets better.
FIGHTER: Sugar!
OTHERS: No!
*CUT TO: the men's restroom, sometime later. KUJA and CYRAN are taking turns justifying their actions to STRAVO*
KUJA: You didn't see it! You didn't look into its eyes!
CYRAN: It was like looking into a mirror! Only dark and twisted and wrong and evil and horrifying and-
STRAVO: OKAY! I DON'T CARE! *he takes a deep breath* Look you two, you didn't cause any damage, and nobody's going to sue, so as long as you behave yourselves. All right?
CYRAN: *he sighs* Okay. I want to sit down.
STRAVO: Why don't you go keep Zaia company for a few minutes? I want to talk to Kuja for a second.
*CYRAN nods and exits. The moment the door is closed, STRAVO grabs KUJA by the neck and starts shaking him*
STRAVO: You lousy stupid little-
KUJA: Aaaaaaaccccccckkkkkkk!
*STRAVO finally finishes venting and lets KUJA down. KUJA coughs and rubs his throat*
STRAVO: Look. I'll make you a deal, all right?
KUJA: What?
STRAVO: You promise not to ruin my date with Zaia-
KUJA: And in return?
STRAVO: I'll do...anything!
*scene freezes as a well-dressed Englishman, complete with top hat and cane, bursts out of the closet*
ENGLISHMAN: MISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!
*the man ducks back into the closet and the scene unfreezes. KUJA smiles evilly*
KUJA: Absolutely anything?
STRAVO: Absolutely anything... *he thinks for a moment* ...not involving two guys and a bed.
KUJA: Darn. There goes my third choice.
STRAVO: *pales* Your THIRD choice?
KUJA: Yeah.
STRAVO: *nervously* What're the first two?
*KUJA laughs darkly as he exits*
STRAVO: Oh, this is not good.
*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN'S table. Each has a pitcher of beer in front of them*
KUJA: You sure?
CYRAN: After what just happened, I need a beer.
KUJA: Okay then, down the hatch!
*both of them drain their pitchers and are instantly smashed*
KUJA: *giggling* Dude, this is gonna be awesome.
CYRAN: *laughing* Yeah.
*fade out*
*fade in on KUJA and CYRAN, who have both set their menus down on their table. GARLAND rushes up, carrying a tray with a coke and two pitches of beer*
GARLAND: Here...you...are...gentlemen.
KUJA: *frosty* About time.
GARLAND: Sorry...for the wait. Are you...ready to order?
CYRAN: Yep.
*GARLAND pulls out a pad and pencil*
GARLAND: So, what'll it be?
CYRAN: I'll have the Family Special #6!
GARLAND: Uh…but that serves eight people! Are the two of you really-
CYRAN: Oh no. This is just for me.
*GARLAND drops his pad*
KUJA: I'll have the same.
*GARLAND drops his pencil*
KUJA: And an apple pie with that.
*GARLAND'S jaw drops*
CYRAN: Stop competing with me!
KUJA: I'm not competing with you.
*GARLAND gathers up his stuff*
GARLAND: Well then, gentlemen, thank you, and I'll have your food out as soon it's ready.
KUJA: Good man.
*he flips GARLAND the nickel. GARLAND catches it, fumbles, and runs off. CUT TO: the kitchen, which is now charred and blackened. THIEF pops his head up over one counter*
BLACKMAGE: YAAAAAAAAAAA!
*BLACKMAGE leaps over the counter and tackles THIEF. Both of them disappear behind the counter. Punches are heard. GARLAND rushes in*
GARLAND: Hey guys, big order!
BLACKMAGE: AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
*BLACKMAGE launches himself at GARLAND. CUT TO: the restaurant. All activity ceases as BLACKMAGE and GARLAND burst through the kitchen doors, rolling over each other again and again*
STRAVO: What the-
ZAIA: What in-
*the two combatants finally roll to a stop at the foot of KUJA and CYRAN'S table. BLACKMAGE decks GARLAND one final time, then stands. KUJA, CYRAN, and BLACKMAGE all lock gazes. Expressions of horror slowly crawl across their faces*
BLACKMAGE: Wha-bu-mu-cu-
KUJA: Who-yo-I-no-whe-
CYRAN: Se-ke-me-ne-
*all three suddenly burst out screaming. BLACKMAGE turns and runs back into the kitchen. KUJA scrambles over the booth divider and dives behind DRIZZ'l'S table. CYRAN leaps out of the booth, runs across the room, and latches onto ZAIA'S leg*
ZAIA: Hey!
CYRAN: *bawling* Help me!
DRIZZ'l: Buddy, what the hell are you doing?
BIKKE: Yar, what's the big idea?
KUJA: Shut up! Just shut up!
*CUT TO: the kitchen. BLACKMAGE is curled up into a ball, rocking back and forth in one corner with his comrades standing over him*
BLACKMAGE: *weakly* It was horrible...they looked...just like me!
REDMAGE: What should we do with him?
THIEF: Let's just leave him alone for a while and see if he gets better.
FIGHTER: Sugar!
OTHERS: No!
*CUT TO: the men's restroom, sometime later. KUJA and CYRAN are taking turns justifying their actions to STRAVO*
KUJA: You didn't see it! You didn't look into its eyes!
CYRAN: It was like looking into a mirror! Only dark and twisted and wrong and evil and horrifying and-
STRAVO: OKAY! I DON'T CARE! *he takes a deep breath* Look you two, you didn't cause any damage, and nobody's going to sue, so as long as you behave yourselves. All right?
CYRAN: *he sighs* Okay. I want to sit down.
STRAVO: Why don't you go keep Zaia company for a few minutes? I want to talk to Kuja for a second.
*CYRAN nods and exits. The moment the door is closed, STRAVO grabs KUJA by the neck and starts shaking him*
STRAVO: You lousy stupid little-
KUJA: Aaaaaaaccccccckkkkkkk!
*STRAVO finally finishes venting and lets KUJA down. KUJA coughs and rubs his throat*
STRAVO: Look. I'll make you a deal, all right?
KUJA: What?
STRAVO: You promise not to ruin my date with Zaia-
KUJA: And in return?
STRAVO: I'll do...anything!
*scene freezes as a well-dressed Englishman, complete with top hat and cane, bursts out of the closet*
ENGLISHMAN: MISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!
*the man ducks back into the closet and the scene unfreezes. KUJA smiles evilly*
KUJA: Absolutely anything?
STRAVO: Absolutely anything... *he thinks for a moment* ...not involving two guys and a bed.
KUJA: Darn. There goes my third choice.
STRAVO: *pales* Your THIRD choice?
KUJA: Yeah.
STRAVO: *nervously* What're the first two?
*KUJA laughs darkly as he exits*
STRAVO: Oh, this is not good.
*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN'S table. Each has a pitcher of beer in front of them*
KUJA: You sure?
CYRAN: After what just happened, I need a beer.
KUJA: Okay then, down the hatch!
*both of them drain their pitchers and are instantly smashed*
KUJA: *giggling* Dude, this is gonna be awesome.
CYRAN: *laughing* Yeah.
*fade out*
Part 14: Kuja Shouldn't Drink
*fade in on KUJA and CYRAN, both of whom are now rip-roaring drunk*
KUJA: Dude, I am so fucking smashed.
CYRAN: Yeah me too.
KUJA: Well, down the hatch!
*they each gulp down another pitcher*
KUJA: Ah, there's a pleasant haze.
CYRAN: *giggling* Dude, I dare you to go up to Zaia.
KUJA: And do what?
CYRAN: I dunno, say somethin' funny!
KUJA: Okay dokay!
*KUJA stands and walks somewhat wobbly over to ZAIA and STRAVO*
ZAIA: So anyway, here I am, talking to this kid, when suddenly-
KUJA: Hey, Zee?
*ZAIA slowly turns and glares at him for the interruption. STRAVO glares, too*
ZAIA: *coldly* What.
KUJA: 'S a joke.
ZAIA: What is it?
KUJA: Whaddaya call someone who hangs around wit musicians?
ZAIA: I don't know.
KUJA: A percussionist!
*NOTE: Due to time and space restrictions, we cannot show you the severe asskicking Kuja receives for this one. Suffice to say, it's pretty bad*
CYRAN: *as KUJA crawls back to the table* Dude, she beat the living shit outta you!
KUJA: Beer...beer...
*KUJA grabs a mysteriously refilled pitcher and downs it*
KUJA: Ahhh. *he begins singing* Aches and pains, go away, alcohol, you make my day!
*CYRAN cracks up*
ZAIA: Did he look drunk to you?
STRAVO: He'd have to be to do something that stupid.
*they look over*
ZAIA: Good god, not only is HE drunk, he's getting Cyran tanked!
STRAVO: Time for intervention. *he snags WHITE MAGE* Excuse me, can I borrow your pen and paper for a moment?
WHITE MAGE: Well, okay.
*STRAVO scribbles something down and hands back the pad*
STRAVO: Would you please make two of those for the...erm...gentlemen at the table over there?
WHITE MAGE: *reading the pad* Are these actually safe for human consumption?
STRAVO: Well, not really, but they need it. Trust me.
WHITE MAGE: Well, all right.
*KUJA and CYRAN have now received their orders and are stuffing their faces*
CYRAN: Mmmmm! Yum, yum!
KUJA: G'food!
*WHITE MAGE pulls GARLAND aside and whispers to him, then hands him a tray with a pair of smoking drinks on it. He presents the tray to the black mages*
GARLAND: Here you go boys! Um, tonight's special!
CYRAN: Cool!
*they gulp down the drinks. Almost immediately, smoke begins drifting from their mouths*
KUJA: Hey, do you feel funny?
CYRAN: Do you smell smoke?
*both realize that smoke is now pouring from their mouths*
BOTH: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
*they both leap up and run for the bathroom. The moment the door is closed, huge explosions are heard and massive amounts of smoke begin blowing out from the doorframe*
ZAIA: Oh, poor Cyran! What've you done to him?
STRAVO: It's a little wake-up juice. And, uh, Kuja's in there too.
ZAIA: *blinks* Why, so he is. *she cackles*
*KUJA and CYRAN finally stagger out of the bathroom. Their clothes and faces are scorched. CYRAN heads back to his own table, while KUJA stomps over to STRAVO*
KUJA: Bastard!
STRAVO: You deserved it!
KUJA: Did not!
STRAVO: Did too!
KUJA: Did NOT!
STRAVO: Did TOO!
ZAIA: Good god, I feel like I'm teaching again.
KUJA: *sarcastically* Oh! I'm sorry! Here, let me say something a bit more insightful!
*he takes a deep breath*
STRAVO: NOOOOOOO!
*STRAVO grabs KUJA and forces his head back just as KUJA lets out a massive gout of flame. ZAIA jumps up and begins frantically patting her hair*
ZAIA: OW! OW! OW! You singed my hair, asshole!
KUJA: Oh, I'm sorry! Here, let me even it out!
*another gout of flame*
STRAVO: Stop it!
*ZAIA sprouts her claws*
ZAIA: You're one dead man.
*STRAVO jumps in between them*
STRAVO: NO FIGHTING! *he turns and whispers to KUJA* Remember our agreement? You don't fuck up the date…
*KUJA hesitates, then smiles evilly*
KUJA: And you give me whatever I want. *he frees himself from STRAVO'S grip and speaks silkily* Okay. I won't bother you anymore. Just remember Stravo, you can't back out of this.
*he smoothly walks off. STRAVO weakly sits back down*
ZAIA: What did he mean by that?
STRAVO: Nothing…I hope.
*KUJA seats himself and joins CYRAN in drinking pitcher after pitcher of ice water*
KUJA: You know, this has given me an idea.
CYRAN: Oh yeah? What?
KUJA: Come here.
*KUJA whispers into CYRAN'S ear*
CYRAN: Uh-huh...yeah...uh-huh...so...uh-huh...right...yeah...uh-huh...
*KUJA breaks away. CYRAN stares at him*
CYRAN: That's...so cool...it's beyond words.
KUJA: *humbly* Yes, I know, I know. But first, we have to ditch Stravo and Zaia, somehow.
*they think for a moment*
CYRAN: Hey, I've got an idea!
*scene freezes. Fade out*
*fade in on KUJA and CYRAN, both of whom are now rip-roaring drunk*
KUJA: Dude, I am so fucking smashed.
CYRAN: Yeah me too.
KUJA: Well, down the hatch!
*they each gulp down another pitcher*
KUJA: Ah, there's a pleasant haze.
CYRAN: *giggling* Dude, I dare you to go up to Zaia.
KUJA: And do what?
CYRAN: I dunno, say somethin' funny!
KUJA: Okay dokay!
*KUJA stands and walks somewhat wobbly over to ZAIA and STRAVO*
ZAIA: So anyway, here I am, talking to this kid, when suddenly-
KUJA: Hey, Zee?
*ZAIA slowly turns and glares at him for the interruption. STRAVO glares, too*
ZAIA: *coldly* What.
KUJA: 'S a joke.
ZAIA: What is it?
KUJA: Whaddaya call someone who hangs around wit musicians?
ZAIA: I don't know.
KUJA: A percussionist!
*NOTE: Due to time and space restrictions, we cannot show you the severe asskicking Kuja receives for this one. Suffice to say, it's pretty bad*
CYRAN: *as KUJA crawls back to the table* Dude, she beat the living shit outta you!
KUJA: Beer...beer...
*KUJA grabs a mysteriously refilled pitcher and downs it*
KUJA: Ahhh. *he begins singing* Aches and pains, go away, alcohol, you make my day!
*CYRAN cracks up*
ZAIA: Did he look drunk to you?
STRAVO: He'd have to be to do something that stupid.
*they look over*
ZAIA: Good god, not only is HE drunk, he's getting Cyran tanked!
STRAVO: Time for intervention. *he snags WHITE MAGE* Excuse me, can I borrow your pen and paper for a moment?
WHITE MAGE: Well, okay.
*STRAVO scribbles something down and hands back the pad*
STRAVO: Would you please make two of those for the...erm...gentlemen at the table over there?
WHITE MAGE: *reading the pad* Are these actually safe for human consumption?
STRAVO: Well, not really, but they need it. Trust me.
WHITE MAGE: Well, all right.
*KUJA and CYRAN have now received their orders and are stuffing their faces*
CYRAN: Mmmmm! Yum, yum!
KUJA: G'food!
*WHITE MAGE pulls GARLAND aside and whispers to him, then hands him a tray with a pair of smoking drinks on it. He presents the tray to the black mages*
GARLAND: Here you go boys! Um, tonight's special!
CYRAN: Cool!
*they gulp down the drinks. Almost immediately, smoke begins drifting from their mouths*
KUJA: Hey, do you feel funny?
CYRAN: Do you smell smoke?
*both realize that smoke is now pouring from their mouths*
BOTH: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
*they both leap up and run for the bathroom. The moment the door is closed, huge explosions are heard and massive amounts of smoke begin blowing out from the doorframe*
ZAIA: Oh, poor Cyran! What've you done to him?
STRAVO: It's a little wake-up juice. And, uh, Kuja's in there too.
ZAIA: *blinks* Why, so he is. *she cackles*
*KUJA and CYRAN finally stagger out of the bathroom. Their clothes and faces are scorched. CYRAN heads back to his own table, while KUJA stomps over to STRAVO*
KUJA: Bastard!
STRAVO: You deserved it!
KUJA: Did not!
STRAVO: Did too!
KUJA: Did NOT!
STRAVO: Did TOO!
ZAIA: Good god, I feel like I'm teaching again.
KUJA: *sarcastically* Oh! I'm sorry! Here, let me say something a bit more insightful!
*he takes a deep breath*
STRAVO: NOOOOOOO!
*STRAVO grabs KUJA and forces his head back just as KUJA lets out a massive gout of flame. ZAIA jumps up and begins frantically patting her hair*
ZAIA: OW! OW! OW! You singed my hair, asshole!
KUJA: Oh, I'm sorry! Here, let me even it out!
*another gout of flame*
STRAVO: Stop it!
*ZAIA sprouts her claws*
ZAIA: You're one dead man.
*STRAVO jumps in between them*
STRAVO: NO FIGHTING! *he turns and whispers to KUJA* Remember our agreement? You don't fuck up the date…
*KUJA hesitates, then smiles evilly*
KUJA: And you give me whatever I want. *he frees himself from STRAVO'S grip and speaks silkily* Okay. I won't bother you anymore. Just remember Stravo, you can't back out of this.
*he smoothly walks off. STRAVO weakly sits back down*
ZAIA: What did he mean by that?
STRAVO: Nothing…I hope.
*KUJA seats himself and joins CYRAN in drinking pitcher after pitcher of ice water*
KUJA: You know, this has given me an idea.
CYRAN: Oh yeah? What?
KUJA: Come here.
*KUJA whispers into CYRAN'S ear*
CYRAN: Uh-huh...yeah...uh-huh...so...uh-huh...right...yeah...uh-huh...
*KUJA breaks away. CYRAN stares at him*
CYRAN: That's...so cool...it's beyond words.
KUJA: *humbly* Yes, I know, I know. But first, we have to ditch Stravo and Zaia, somehow.
*they think for a moment*
CYRAN: Hey, I've got an idea!
*scene freezes. Fade out*
Part 15: I Wanna Riot!
*fade in on CYRAN and KUJA. CYRAN is fishing around in his traveling bag*
CYRAN: Here they are.
*he sets several balls on the table. They are labeled 'Angry Bombs'. KUJA picks one up*
KUJA: Good idea. Now, we need a proper target. *they scan the area* Look over there, a bunch of warsie wannabes!
*at a table some distance away sits a MIKE WONG WANNABE, a MASTER OF OSSUS WANNABE, and a CAPTAIN FRANK WANNABE*
CYRAN: Heheh. Me-too-ers. But what about them?
KUJA: They're easy to provoke. Roll one of the bombs under their table.
CYRAN: OK.
*CYRAN takes careful aim, pulls the pin, and rolls an Angry Bomb under the ME-TOO-ERS' table. It releases a gas with a soft hiss*
KUJA: Get ready to run. *CYRAN nods* Hey, Mike Wong-looking-guy!
WANNABE: Huh?
*KUJA takes a deep breath*
KUJA: GREEDO SHOT FIRST!
*almost immediately, a glass full of Pepsi explodes against the wall near KUJA'S head. The WANNABES stand up and begin throwing things, howling angrily. One object crashes against the head of an MIB AGENT, whose entire table rapidly jumps up and opens fire*
KUJA: OK! GO!
*KUJA and CYRAN dart out of the restaurant as a full-scale riot erupts between the WANNABES and the MIB. For absolutely no reason, BLACKMAGE and the other LIGHT WARRIORS bust out of the kitchen and join in*
ZAIA: What the hell is-
STRAVO: DOWN!
*STRAVO grabs ZAIA and pulls her under the table as various people pull out weapons and begin firing*
ZAIA: What's going on?!
STRAVO: Kuja and Cyran set them off somehow!
*an explosion*
ZAIA: But why?
STRAVO: I don't know! They must be trying to ditch us!
*another explosion*
ZAIA: What are they up to now?!
STRAVO: I don't know, but we've gotta catch them!
*weapons empty, the RIOTERS begin a massive brawl. MIB AGENTS begin beating on the WANNABES. REDMAGE and THIEF attack the MIB AGENTS. BLACKMAGE, unsurprisingly, has already turned on FIGHTER and is stabbing him repeatedly. STRAVO and ZAIA crawl out from under the table*
STRAVO: Did you see which way they went?
ZAIA: No! Maybe one of them did! *she gestures to the RIOTERS* Let me ask. *she crawls up onto the tables and cups her hands around her mouth* Hey! Everyone! Hello? Hey! Did anyone-hey! HEY! *the crowd ignores her*
STRAVO: Zaia, that's not going to work. *he helps her down*
ZAIA: I guess not.
STRAVO: Here, let me show you how it's done.
*he climbs up, cups his hands and takes a deep breath*
STRAVO: ANAL SEX!
*all activity ceases*
STRAVO: Did anyone see a pair of guys in blue robes and pointy hats?
*everyone points in one direction*
STRAVO: Thank you! You can, uh, go back to what you were doing now!
*the riot resumes. STRAVO pulls ZAIA out of the restaurant*
ZAIA: Smart move, babe. *she kisses STRAVO on the cheek* Now, let's find Cyran and hope Kuja hasn't gotten him killed yet.
STRAVO: *dreamily* Riiiiight...
*ZAIA grabs his arm and pulls*
ZAIA: Come on!
*CUT TO: a cornerside café SIR NITRAM and ROB WILSON are drinking tea and conversing in absurdly stereotypical British accents*
NITRAM: I say chum, care for a spot o' tea?
WILSON: Why, thank you, sport. Don't mind if I do.
*KUJA and CYRAN screech to a halt*
CYRAN: Hey! Cookies!
*He begins taking cookies from their table. NITRAM rises, highly offended*
NITRAM: I say-
KUJA: No saki? You guys suck!
WILSON: My word! Such language!
KUJA: Come on, Cyran!
CYRAN: *with a mouthful of cookies* Uh…'ight!
*they run off*
NITRAM: What abominable behaviour!
*STRAVO and ZAIA rush around the corner*
ZAIA: Hey! Did you guys see-
WILSON: We most certainly did! Never in my life have I witnessed such-
STRAVO: Which way did they go?
NITRAM: Well, if you must know… *he points*
STRAVO: Thanks!
*they rush off. WILSON rises*
WILSON: This is preposterous! What next?
*the riot in King Steve's spills out into the street*
NITRAM: Good heavens!
WILSON: Ah, a pleasant afternoon distraction!
*he seats himself and sips his tea, watching an MIB AGENT bash a WANNABE with the stock of a rifle. Fade out*
*fade in on CYRAN and KUJA. CYRAN is fishing around in his traveling bag*
CYRAN: Here they are.
*he sets several balls on the table. They are labeled 'Angry Bombs'. KUJA picks one up*
KUJA: Good idea. Now, we need a proper target. *they scan the area* Look over there, a bunch of warsie wannabes!
*at a table some distance away sits a MIKE WONG WANNABE, a MASTER OF OSSUS WANNABE, and a CAPTAIN FRANK WANNABE*
CYRAN: Heheh. Me-too-ers. But what about them?
KUJA: They're easy to provoke. Roll one of the bombs under their table.
CYRAN: OK.
*CYRAN takes careful aim, pulls the pin, and rolls an Angry Bomb under the ME-TOO-ERS' table. It releases a gas with a soft hiss*
KUJA: Get ready to run. *CYRAN nods* Hey, Mike Wong-looking-guy!
WANNABE: Huh?
*KUJA takes a deep breath*
KUJA: GREEDO SHOT FIRST!
*almost immediately, a glass full of Pepsi explodes against the wall near KUJA'S head. The WANNABES stand up and begin throwing things, howling angrily. One object crashes against the head of an MIB AGENT, whose entire table rapidly jumps up and opens fire*
KUJA: OK! GO!
*KUJA and CYRAN dart out of the restaurant as a full-scale riot erupts between the WANNABES and the MIB. For absolutely no reason, BLACKMAGE and the other LIGHT WARRIORS bust out of the kitchen and join in*
ZAIA: What the hell is-
STRAVO: DOWN!
*STRAVO grabs ZAIA and pulls her under the table as various people pull out weapons and begin firing*
ZAIA: What's going on?!
STRAVO: Kuja and Cyran set them off somehow!
*an explosion*
ZAIA: But why?
STRAVO: I don't know! They must be trying to ditch us!
*another explosion*
ZAIA: What are they up to now?!
STRAVO: I don't know, but we've gotta catch them!
*weapons empty, the RIOTERS begin a massive brawl. MIB AGENTS begin beating on the WANNABES. REDMAGE and THIEF attack the MIB AGENTS. BLACKMAGE, unsurprisingly, has already turned on FIGHTER and is stabbing him repeatedly. STRAVO and ZAIA crawl out from under the table*
STRAVO: Did you see which way they went?
ZAIA: No! Maybe one of them did! *she gestures to the RIOTERS* Let me ask. *she crawls up onto the tables and cups her hands around her mouth* Hey! Everyone! Hello? Hey! Did anyone-hey! HEY! *the crowd ignores her*
STRAVO: Zaia, that's not going to work. *he helps her down*
ZAIA: I guess not.
STRAVO: Here, let me show you how it's done.
*he climbs up, cups his hands and takes a deep breath*
STRAVO: ANAL SEX!
*all activity ceases*
STRAVO: Did anyone see a pair of guys in blue robes and pointy hats?
*everyone points in one direction*
STRAVO: Thank you! You can, uh, go back to what you were doing now!
*the riot resumes. STRAVO pulls ZAIA out of the restaurant*
ZAIA: Smart move, babe. *she kisses STRAVO on the cheek* Now, let's find Cyran and hope Kuja hasn't gotten him killed yet.
STRAVO: *dreamily* Riiiiight...
*ZAIA grabs his arm and pulls*
ZAIA: Come on!
*CUT TO: a cornerside café SIR NITRAM and ROB WILSON are drinking tea and conversing in absurdly stereotypical British accents*
NITRAM: I say chum, care for a spot o' tea?
WILSON: Why, thank you, sport. Don't mind if I do.
*KUJA and CYRAN screech to a halt*
CYRAN: Hey! Cookies!
*He begins taking cookies from their table. NITRAM rises, highly offended*
NITRAM: I say-
KUJA: No saki? You guys suck!
WILSON: My word! Such language!
KUJA: Come on, Cyran!
CYRAN: *with a mouthful of cookies* Uh…'ight!
*they run off*
NITRAM: What abominable behaviour!
*STRAVO and ZAIA rush around the corner*
ZAIA: Hey! Did you guys see-
WILSON: We most certainly did! Never in my life have I witnessed such-
STRAVO: Which way did they go?
NITRAM: Well, if you must know… *he points*
STRAVO: Thanks!
*they rush off. WILSON rises*
WILSON: This is preposterous! What next?
*the riot in King Steve's spills out into the street*
NITRAM: Good heavens!
WILSON: Ah, a pleasant afternoon distraction!
*he seats himself and sips his tea, watching an MIB AGENT bash a WANNABE with the stock of a rifle. Fade out*
Part 16: Some People Really Are Cruel Bastards
*fade in on KUJA and CYRAN walking down the street. KUJA is talking on his cell phone*
KUJA: Yeah. OK then, I'll see you there.
*he hangs up*
CYRAN: Success?
KUJA: Success. That takes care of the guest list. Now, all we need is the killer stereo system and four metric tons of explosives.
CYRAN: Shouldn't be too difficult.
*KUJA suddenly stops and looks down at his feet. Then, he bends over and picks up a soccer ball*
KUJA: What the hell?
*a trio of little KIDS run up*
KID 1: Um, excuse me, sir?
KUJA: Yeah? What do you want?
KID 2: May we have our ball back?
*a brief pause*
KUJA: You REALLY want this ball back?
KID 3: Yes, please.
*KUJA dropkicks the ball into the Hudson River*
KUJA: Go fetch.
*KUJA walks away as the three KIDS burst into tears. CYRAN watches in astonishment, then he hurries to catch up with KUJA*
CYRAN: Now what the hell was that all about?
KUJA: What?
CYRAN: What do mean 'what?' You kicking that ball into the river, that's what!
KUJA: Well, what about it?
*CYRAN is at a loss for words*
CYRAN: Wait a minute. You're pissed about something, aren't you?
KUJA: *sarcastically* Pissed? Why would I be pissed?
CYRAN: Yep. You're pissed.
*KUJA makes an empty-hand gesture*
KUJA: Look Cyran, I just-
*KUJA stops speaking as an object falls into his hands. Both he and CYRAN stop walking and stare*
CYRAN: It's an egg.
KUJA: And it's…hatching.
*a baby BIRD pokes its way through the shell and looks at KUJA, blinking*
BIRD: MAMA!
CYRAN: Awwwwww, isn't that sweet? He thinks you're his mom!
KUJA: What. The. Fuck.
BIRD: MAMA!
CYRAN: He sounds hungry.
KUJA: Well, feed him something.
CYRAN: I can't. You're his mother, you have to feed him.
*he holds up a worn to demonstrate. The bird refuses to take the worm from CYRAN, but gulps it down when KUJA hands it over*
BIRD: MAMA!
CYRAN: See?
KUJA: So…now I have to take care of him?
CYRAN: Yep. You have to feed him and keep him warm, and help him grow, and love him-
KUJA: Like I have that kind of time? Fuck it.
*KUJA drops the BIRD on the sidewalk and brings his sledgehammer down on top of it*
CYRAN: YOU ARE SO FUCKING HEARTLESS, YOU KNOW THAT?!
*KUJA grunts and begins to walk away*
CYRAN: Wait a minute. This is about you and Zaia, isn't it? *no reply* ISN'T IT?
*KUJA stops completely, then spins around and begins rummaging through CYRAN'S traveling bag*
CYRAN: Hey, wait, what're you, what, why, hey-
*KUJA pulls out a weapon shaped like a shotgun, but with a nasty-looking claw on the end. Stenciled on the side are the words 'Auto-Castrator'. KUJA levels it*
KUJA: I'm going to use this unless you shut the hell up.
CYRAN: *nervously* Um, okay.
*KUJA begins to walk away*
CYRAN: But seriously, Kuja, you shouldn't be so freaking nasty when you get mad.
KUJA: So what the hell do you suggest?
CYRAN: First, gimme back the A-C.
*KUJA hands it over*
CYRAN: You should just try smiling and being nice to people. It'll make you feel better!
KUJA: Just the thought of it makes me want to kill something.
CYRAN: But seriously-
BEGGAR: Got a quarter?
CYRAN: Later man, we're kind of busy. Anyway-
BEGGAR: Just a quarter?
CYRAN: I said later, pal! Now scram!
BEGGAR: Aw, come on!
*CYRAN turns, shoves the Auto-Castrator into the man's groin, and pulls the trigger. The Auto-Castrator does what it does best*
BEGGAR: AAAGGHH! AAAGGGHH! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!
*the guy falls to the ground and continues screaming. KUJA places his hand on CYRAN'S shoulder*
KUJA: Now, wasn't that a lot more satisfying then ' smiling and being nice to people'?
CYRAN: Fuck yeah!
KUJA: Let's go. We've got shopping to do.
CYRAN: Wait, can I have my five seconds of fame now?
KUJA: Sure thing.
*CYRAN strikes a dynamic pose, gore dripping from the end of his weapon*
CYRAN: With my Donut Cannon, Angry Bombs, and Auto-Castrator…I, Captain Cyran, am the master of UN-conventional weaponry!
*trumpets blare*
KUJA: OK, that's enough.
*they take off. CUT TO: STRAVO and ZAIA, some distance back. They gape at the ever-increasing carnage*
STRAVO: And THIS is what they do just on a whim? *he shudders*
ZAIA: I swear, when I find Kuja, I'm going to beat him senseless.
STRAVO: What about Cyran?
ZAIA: Oh, I'll probably let him off with a stern warning.
*a beat*
STRAVO: You and Kuja really need to work this out.
*ZAIA sprouts her claws*
ZAIA: Did you just say something?
STRAVO: *quickly* Who? Me? Of course not. Why would I?
ZAIA: I didn't think so.
*fade out*
*fade in on KUJA and CYRAN walking down the street. KUJA is talking on his cell phone*
KUJA: Yeah. OK then, I'll see you there.
*he hangs up*
CYRAN: Success?
KUJA: Success. That takes care of the guest list. Now, all we need is the killer stereo system and four metric tons of explosives.
CYRAN: Shouldn't be too difficult.
*KUJA suddenly stops and looks down at his feet. Then, he bends over and picks up a soccer ball*
KUJA: What the hell?
*a trio of little KIDS run up*
KID 1: Um, excuse me, sir?
KUJA: Yeah? What do you want?
KID 2: May we have our ball back?
*a brief pause*
KUJA: You REALLY want this ball back?
KID 3: Yes, please.
*KUJA dropkicks the ball into the Hudson River*
KUJA: Go fetch.
*KUJA walks away as the three KIDS burst into tears. CYRAN watches in astonishment, then he hurries to catch up with KUJA*
CYRAN: Now what the hell was that all about?
KUJA: What?
CYRAN: What do mean 'what?' You kicking that ball into the river, that's what!
KUJA: Well, what about it?
*CYRAN is at a loss for words*
CYRAN: Wait a minute. You're pissed about something, aren't you?
KUJA: *sarcastically* Pissed? Why would I be pissed?
CYRAN: Yep. You're pissed.
*KUJA makes an empty-hand gesture*
KUJA: Look Cyran, I just-
*KUJA stops speaking as an object falls into his hands. Both he and CYRAN stop walking and stare*
CYRAN: It's an egg.
KUJA: And it's…hatching.
*a baby BIRD pokes its way through the shell and looks at KUJA, blinking*
BIRD: MAMA!
CYRAN: Awwwwww, isn't that sweet? He thinks you're his mom!
KUJA: What. The. Fuck.
BIRD: MAMA!
CYRAN: He sounds hungry.
KUJA: Well, feed him something.
CYRAN: I can't. You're his mother, you have to feed him.
*he holds up a worn to demonstrate. The bird refuses to take the worm from CYRAN, but gulps it down when KUJA hands it over*
BIRD: MAMA!
CYRAN: See?
KUJA: So…now I have to take care of him?
CYRAN: Yep. You have to feed him and keep him warm, and help him grow, and love him-
KUJA: Like I have that kind of time? Fuck it.
*KUJA drops the BIRD on the sidewalk and brings his sledgehammer down on top of it*
CYRAN: YOU ARE SO FUCKING HEARTLESS, YOU KNOW THAT?!
*KUJA grunts and begins to walk away*
CYRAN: Wait a minute. This is about you and Zaia, isn't it? *no reply* ISN'T IT?
*KUJA stops completely, then spins around and begins rummaging through CYRAN'S traveling bag*
CYRAN: Hey, wait, what're you, what, why, hey-
*KUJA pulls out a weapon shaped like a shotgun, but with a nasty-looking claw on the end. Stenciled on the side are the words 'Auto-Castrator'. KUJA levels it*
KUJA: I'm going to use this unless you shut the hell up.
CYRAN: *nervously* Um, okay.
*KUJA begins to walk away*
CYRAN: But seriously, Kuja, you shouldn't be so freaking nasty when you get mad.
KUJA: So what the hell do you suggest?
CYRAN: First, gimme back the A-C.
*KUJA hands it over*
CYRAN: You should just try smiling and being nice to people. It'll make you feel better!
KUJA: Just the thought of it makes me want to kill something.
CYRAN: But seriously-
BEGGAR: Got a quarter?
CYRAN: Later man, we're kind of busy. Anyway-
BEGGAR: Just a quarter?
CYRAN: I said later, pal! Now scram!
BEGGAR: Aw, come on!
*CYRAN turns, shoves the Auto-Castrator into the man's groin, and pulls the trigger. The Auto-Castrator does what it does best*
BEGGAR: AAAGGHH! AAAGGGHH! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!
*the guy falls to the ground and continues screaming. KUJA places his hand on CYRAN'S shoulder*
KUJA: Now, wasn't that a lot more satisfying then ' smiling and being nice to people'?
CYRAN: Fuck yeah!
KUJA: Let's go. We've got shopping to do.
CYRAN: Wait, can I have my five seconds of fame now?
KUJA: Sure thing.
*CYRAN strikes a dynamic pose, gore dripping from the end of his weapon*
CYRAN: With my Donut Cannon, Angry Bombs, and Auto-Castrator…I, Captain Cyran, am the master of UN-conventional weaponry!
*trumpets blare*
KUJA: OK, that's enough.
*they take off. CUT TO: STRAVO and ZAIA, some distance back. They gape at the ever-increasing carnage*
STRAVO: And THIS is what they do just on a whim? *he shudders*
ZAIA: I swear, when I find Kuja, I'm going to beat him senseless.
STRAVO: What about Cyran?
ZAIA: Oh, I'll probably let him off with a stern warning.
*a beat*
STRAVO: You and Kuja really need to work this out.
*ZAIA sprouts her claws*
ZAIA: Did you just say something?
STRAVO: *quickly* Who? Me? Of course not. Why would I?
ZAIA: I didn't think so.
*fade out*
INTERLUDE: Bloopers and Outtakes
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
CYRAN: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
KUJA: Cyran, watch out for the-
*CYRAN slams into the camera and sends it tumbling*
CYRAN: Oh shit! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Is everyone OK?!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*KUJA sits in his director's chair and takes a sip of his drink, then violently spits it out*
KUJA: OK, who replaced my Dr. Pepper with a cappuccino?
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
STRAVO: All my life, I've lived in the big city-
KUJA: That's not the line!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
STRAVO: You promise not to ruin my date with Zaia-
KUJA: And in return?
STRAVO: I'll do…anything!
*scene freezes. There is a loud crash, and the ENGLISHMAN spills out of the closet*
ENGLISHMAN: How am I supposed to see the fucking handle in here?!
KUJA: *whirling* Dammit people, I thought we fixed this!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*a SFX man is working on ZAIA's claws. CYRAN is watching from twenty feet away*
ZAIA: So how do I extend these?
TECH: You just apply pressure, like this-
*he squeezes ZAIA'S finger to demonstrate. There is a swishing sound and one of ZAIA'S claws disappears*
CYRAN: Urk! *he falls over*
TECH: Uh oh.
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*KUJA slowly creeps over to the door, looks through the peephole, and turns the handle. He shuts his eyes, takes a deep breath, and yanks open the door*
KUJA: I SURRENDER IT WAS ONLY AN ACCIDENT I DIDN'T MEAN IT PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!
DALTON: Hello, everybody! *laughter*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
PART-TIME RESEARCHER: Wait a minute! This is lemonade! Where's my culture of amoebic dysentery?
*STRAVO spits out his drink*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
KUJA: For god's sake, why can't we get these lights working? We can't film the apartment without the lighting!
GRIP: OK boss, they should work now!
KUJA: Well, it's about time…WHY THE HELL ARE THEY BLINKING?!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
BYSTANDER: Where'd you guys get the Bin Laden lookalike?
DALTON: Lookalike?
*a scream of pain*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
DALTON: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to-
CYRAN: I don't feel so good…
*he pukes*
KUJA: Cyran, didn't I tell you no more chocolate?
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
DALTON: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today-
STRAVO: Shit, where's the ring?
KUJA: DAMMIT!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
DALTON: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man-
SITH GOD: I WANNA WOMAN, TOO!
KUJA: WHO LET THIS LITTLE FUCKER ON THE SET?! GET HIM OUT! GET HIM OUT RIGHT NOW!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
DALTON: Dearly beloved-
KUJA: WATCH OUT!
*a ceiling light crashes to the floor, spraying glass*
KUJA: WHO THE FUCK SECURED THAT?!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
DALTON: Dearly beloved, we are-
*ZAIA yelps and falls as one of her high heels breaks*
ZAIA: Ouch!
KUJA: THAT'S IT! I'M SCRAPPING THIS WHOLE FUCKING SCENE!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*a shaky camera scene, night. DALTON looks into the camera. He is wearing a ski mask, and his voice is somewhat muffled*
DALTON: OK, this is our mission: the three of us are gonna bust into Zaia's trailer, steal all her clothes, and hide them underneath one of the tables at King Steve's to see if she panics or not. Stravo, you got the camera?
STRAVO: *offscreen* Yup.
CYRAN: *offscreen* I'm ready!
DALTON: Keep it down! OK, let's go.
*the three of them quietly make their way to a trailer and sneak inside. CYRAN and DALTON begin opening drawers and stuffing clothes into gym bags*
DALTON: Check out this skirt. Cool.
CYRAN: Whoa, take a look at these knee-highs. I wonder when she wears these?
*a light clicks on. The camera swings around to reveal KUJA standing in the doorway, holding a mug of coffee*
KUJA: Uh, guys? What are you doing in my trailer?
*CYRAN and DALTON look down at the bags of clothes*
CYRAN: Wait just a damn-
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
CYRAN: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
KUJA: Cyran, watch out for the-
*CYRAN slams into the camera and sends it tumbling*
CYRAN: Oh shit! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Is everyone OK?!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*KUJA sits in his director's chair and takes a sip of his drink, then violently spits it out*
KUJA: OK, who replaced my Dr. Pepper with a cappuccino?
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
STRAVO: All my life, I've lived in the big city-
KUJA: That's not the line!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
STRAVO: You promise not to ruin my date with Zaia-
KUJA: And in return?
STRAVO: I'll do…anything!
*scene freezes. There is a loud crash, and the ENGLISHMAN spills out of the closet*
ENGLISHMAN: How am I supposed to see the fucking handle in here?!
KUJA: *whirling* Dammit people, I thought we fixed this!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*a SFX man is working on ZAIA's claws. CYRAN is watching from twenty feet away*
ZAIA: So how do I extend these?
TECH: You just apply pressure, like this-
*he squeezes ZAIA'S finger to demonstrate. There is a swishing sound and one of ZAIA'S claws disappears*
CYRAN: Urk! *he falls over*
TECH: Uh oh.
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*KUJA slowly creeps over to the door, looks through the peephole, and turns the handle. He shuts his eyes, takes a deep breath, and yanks open the door*
KUJA: I SURRENDER IT WAS ONLY AN ACCIDENT I DIDN'T MEAN IT PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!
DALTON: Hello, everybody! *laughter*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
PART-TIME RESEARCHER: Wait a minute! This is lemonade! Where's my culture of amoebic dysentery?
*STRAVO spits out his drink*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
KUJA: For god's sake, why can't we get these lights working? We can't film the apartment without the lighting!
GRIP: OK boss, they should work now!
KUJA: Well, it's about time…WHY THE HELL ARE THEY BLINKING?!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
BYSTANDER: Where'd you guys get the Bin Laden lookalike?
DALTON: Lookalike?
*a scream of pain*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
DALTON: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to-
CYRAN: I don't feel so good…
*he pukes*
KUJA: Cyran, didn't I tell you no more chocolate?
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
DALTON: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today-
STRAVO: Shit, where's the ring?
KUJA: DAMMIT!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
DALTON: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man-
SITH GOD: I WANNA WOMAN, TOO!
KUJA: WHO LET THIS LITTLE FUCKER ON THE SET?! GET HIM OUT! GET HIM OUT RIGHT NOW!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
DALTON: Dearly beloved-
KUJA: WATCH OUT!
*a ceiling light crashes to the floor, spraying glass*
KUJA: WHO THE FUCK SECURED THAT?!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
DALTON: Dearly beloved, we are-
*ZAIA yelps and falls as one of her high heels breaks*
ZAIA: Ouch!
KUJA: THAT'S IT! I'M SCRAPPING THIS WHOLE FUCKING SCENE!
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
*a shaky camera scene, night. DALTON looks into the camera. He is wearing a ski mask, and his voice is somewhat muffled*
DALTON: OK, this is our mission: the three of us are gonna bust into Zaia's trailer, steal all her clothes, and hide them underneath one of the tables at King Steve's to see if she panics or not. Stravo, you got the camera?
STRAVO: *offscreen* Yup.
CYRAN: *offscreen* I'm ready!
DALTON: Keep it down! OK, let's go.
*the three of them quietly make their way to a trailer and sneak inside. CYRAN and DALTON begin opening drawers and stuffing clothes into gym bags*
DALTON: Check out this skirt. Cool.
CYRAN: Whoa, take a look at these knee-highs. I wonder when she wears these?
*a light clicks on. The camera swings around to reveal KUJA standing in the doorway, holding a mug of coffee*
KUJA: Uh, guys? What are you doing in my trailer?
*CYRAN and DALTON look down at the bags of clothes*
CYRAN: Wait just a damn-
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
Part 17: Confusion
*Fade in on KUJA and CYRAN sprinting. ZAIA and STRAVO are about a block behind*
KUJA: Quick! Run faster!
CYRAN: No! Don't run! Hide!
*they dive into a dumpster full of rusty spare parts. ZAIA and STRAVO reach in and begin searching*
STRAVO: OK you two, the game is up. Come on out.
ZAIA: Cyran? I know you're in there somewhere, Cyran. Cyran? Ah, here you are!
*she pulls KUJA up by the hat*
KUJA: Yo.
*she shoves him back under*
ZAIA: Cyran?
*CYRAN blasts out of the dumpster with a jetpack and soars high into the air*
CYRAN: HA HA HA HAAAAA! I CANNOT BE CAUGHT! ALL YOUR SKYLINE ARE BELONG TO US! OH SHIT, I'M OUT OF FUEL! HAAAAAAAAAAAAALP!
*CYRAN plunges from the sky and crashes down across the street*
STRAVO: *sigh* I'll go get him.
*KUJA has used the opportunity to slowly sneak out of the dumpster and is creeping away. Unfortunately, he steps on a toy horn, which promptly blasts a note like a barge horn*
KUJA: Shit!
ZAIA: A-ha!
*KUJA takes off running towards CYRAN. ZAIA pulls a heavy iron bar out of the dumpster and hurls it at KUJA. It caroms off his head and falls to the street, but KUJA is not visibly affected. He and CYRAN again dart off. ZAIA picks up the bar and stares at its new bend*
ZAIA: An iron bar…two inches thick…I flung it…it hit his head-oh, that explains it.
*CUT TO: three buildings in a row. CYRAN and KUJA run on*
KUJA: OK, here's the plan! You break left, cut south, then head between gray and red. I'll go straight, then hook left and come west, and we'll meet up!
CYRAN: Right!
*a beat*
KUJA: You have no idea what I just said.
CYRAN: You said it really fast.
KUJA: Just duck between these two!
*KUJA runs off between the center and right buildings, CYRAN between the center and left. ZAIA and STRAVO run on*
STRAVO: They split up! You get Cyran, I'll get Kuja!
*ZAIA runs off between center and left. STRAVO stands still, tapping his chin in thought. He addresses the audience*
STRAVO: All right, I'm not as fast as Kuja is, so I can't just chase after him. I'll have to flush him out, but how? Hmmm…wait, I've got an idea! *he turns* Kuja! I've got nukes!
*KUJA runs out*
KUJA: Where?!
STRAVO: *grabs him* Gotcha!
KUJA: *struggling* Dammit, you con man!
*CYRAN runs on from left and taps STRAVO on the shoulder*
CYRAN: Sir, you dropped your wallet.
*STRAVO releases KUJA and turns around*
STRAVO: Oh, thank you-HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
*both Black Mages run off in opposite directions. STRAVO chases after KUJA. A moment later, ZAIA runs on from left*
ZAIA: Cyran? I could've sworn I heard his voice.
*CYRAN sticks his head out from behind the left building*
CYRAN: No, you're just crazy!
*she chases him off. KUJA walks on from right*
KUJA: Ha. Faked him out. Hey, Cyran? You hear me?
*he walks off left. CYRAN pokes his head out from the center building's second floor*
CYRAN: Did someone just call my name?
*he disappears again ZAIA and KUJA run on and slam into each other*
BOTH: CYRAN! WAIT A MINUTE! YOU'RE NOT CYRAN!
*KUJA suddenly leans into ZAIA and smiles like an idiot*
KUJA: Ah, how I've waited for this.
ZAIA: Why, you-
*KUJA drops to avoid a punch, then runs off left, laughing like a maniac. ZAIA chases him off. STRAVO runs on from right, being chased by STEVE IRWIN*
IRWIN: Just hold still, boy!
STRAVO: Get away from me!
*IRWIN tackles STRAVO and holds him down for the camera*
IRWIN: Now, this is a particularly ferocious writer! Note worn skin of the fingertips from typing chapter after chapter! You gotta be respectful of a wild animal like this, or you could end up getting demonized in a future story!
STRAVO: Someone get this psychopath off of me!
IRWIN: Note also the use of multisyllabic words! This little guy's been in the business for a while! He might not be famous, but he's definitely got the potential! Now, we gotta check him for any possible flaws before we release him back into the wild, so that means I've gotta hold him down and jam my thumb up his keister!
STRAVO: HELP ME!
CYRAN: *offscreen* To the rescue!
*CYRAN swings down on a rope and plants both feet in IRWIN'S face. IRWIN goes flying off left*
IRWIN: AW, CRICKEY!
CYRAN: Woohoo! This is fun!
STRAVO: Cyran, what's that attached to?!
CYRAN: Shit, I knew I forgot something!
*CYRAN falls to the ground. STRAVO leans over him, but KUJA suddenly comes running on*
KUJA: Stravo, you gotta help me, man! Zaia's really mad and she's chasing me! You gotta hold her off and give me some time!
STRAVO: OK! Go!
*KUJA grabs CYRAN and helps him off. ZAIA runs on and STRAVO grapples with her for a moment, then jerks upright*
STRAVO: Wait a minute! Kuja's not on my team!
ZAIA: You let them get away?!
STRAVO: It was an honest mistake!
ZAIA: That's it, time to change the rules.
*she pulls out a cell phone and begins dialing*
STRAVO: Who are you calling?
ZAIA: Backup.
*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN, two blocks over*
KUJA: Skull ok?
CYRAN: Yeah. It'll take more than blacktop to slow me down!
KUJA: Attaboy. Now, I've got an idea on how to get ahold of some explosives.
CYRAN: How?
*KUJA pulls out a cell phone*
KUJA: Watch and learn.
*Fade in on KUJA and CYRAN sprinting. ZAIA and STRAVO are about a block behind*
KUJA: Quick! Run faster!
CYRAN: No! Don't run! Hide!
*they dive into a dumpster full of rusty spare parts. ZAIA and STRAVO reach in and begin searching*
STRAVO: OK you two, the game is up. Come on out.
ZAIA: Cyran? I know you're in there somewhere, Cyran. Cyran? Ah, here you are!
*she pulls KUJA up by the hat*
KUJA: Yo.
*she shoves him back under*
ZAIA: Cyran?
*CYRAN blasts out of the dumpster with a jetpack and soars high into the air*
CYRAN: HA HA HA HAAAAA! I CANNOT BE CAUGHT! ALL YOUR SKYLINE ARE BELONG TO US! OH SHIT, I'M OUT OF FUEL! HAAAAAAAAAAAAALP!
*CYRAN plunges from the sky and crashes down across the street*
STRAVO: *sigh* I'll go get him.
*KUJA has used the opportunity to slowly sneak out of the dumpster and is creeping away. Unfortunately, he steps on a toy horn, which promptly blasts a note like a barge horn*
KUJA: Shit!
ZAIA: A-ha!
*KUJA takes off running towards CYRAN. ZAIA pulls a heavy iron bar out of the dumpster and hurls it at KUJA. It caroms off his head and falls to the street, but KUJA is not visibly affected. He and CYRAN again dart off. ZAIA picks up the bar and stares at its new bend*
ZAIA: An iron bar…two inches thick…I flung it…it hit his head-oh, that explains it.
*CUT TO: three buildings in a row. CYRAN and KUJA run on*
KUJA: OK, here's the plan! You break left, cut south, then head between gray and red. I'll go straight, then hook left and come west, and we'll meet up!
CYRAN: Right!
*a beat*
KUJA: You have no idea what I just said.
CYRAN: You said it really fast.
KUJA: Just duck between these two!
*KUJA runs off between the center and right buildings, CYRAN between the center and left. ZAIA and STRAVO run on*
STRAVO: They split up! You get Cyran, I'll get Kuja!
*ZAIA runs off between center and left. STRAVO stands still, tapping his chin in thought. He addresses the audience*
STRAVO: All right, I'm not as fast as Kuja is, so I can't just chase after him. I'll have to flush him out, but how? Hmmm…wait, I've got an idea! *he turns* Kuja! I've got nukes!
*KUJA runs out*
KUJA: Where?!
STRAVO: *grabs him* Gotcha!
KUJA: *struggling* Dammit, you con man!
*CYRAN runs on from left and taps STRAVO on the shoulder*
CYRAN: Sir, you dropped your wallet.
*STRAVO releases KUJA and turns around*
STRAVO: Oh, thank you-HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
*both Black Mages run off in opposite directions. STRAVO chases after KUJA. A moment later, ZAIA runs on from left*
ZAIA: Cyran? I could've sworn I heard his voice.
*CYRAN sticks his head out from behind the left building*
CYRAN: No, you're just crazy!
*she chases him off. KUJA walks on from right*
KUJA: Ha. Faked him out. Hey, Cyran? You hear me?
*he walks off left. CYRAN pokes his head out from the center building's second floor*
CYRAN: Did someone just call my name?
*he disappears again ZAIA and KUJA run on and slam into each other*
BOTH: CYRAN! WAIT A MINUTE! YOU'RE NOT CYRAN!
*KUJA suddenly leans into ZAIA and smiles like an idiot*
KUJA: Ah, how I've waited for this.
ZAIA: Why, you-
*KUJA drops to avoid a punch, then runs off left, laughing like a maniac. ZAIA chases him off. STRAVO runs on from right, being chased by STEVE IRWIN*
IRWIN: Just hold still, boy!
STRAVO: Get away from me!
*IRWIN tackles STRAVO and holds him down for the camera*
IRWIN: Now, this is a particularly ferocious writer! Note worn skin of the fingertips from typing chapter after chapter! You gotta be respectful of a wild animal like this, or you could end up getting demonized in a future story!
STRAVO: Someone get this psychopath off of me!
IRWIN: Note also the use of multisyllabic words! This little guy's been in the business for a while! He might not be famous, but he's definitely got the potential! Now, we gotta check him for any possible flaws before we release him back into the wild, so that means I've gotta hold him down and jam my thumb up his keister!
STRAVO: HELP ME!
CYRAN: *offscreen* To the rescue!
*CYRAN swings down on a rope and plants both feet in IRWIN'S face. IRWIN goes flying off left*
IRWIN: AW, CRICKEY!
CYRAN: Woohoo! This is fun!
STRAVO: Cyran, what's that attached to?!
CYRAN: Shit, I knew I forgot something!
*CYRAN falls to the ground. STRAVO leans over him, but KUJA suddenly comes running on*
KUJA: Stravo, you gotta help me, man! Zaia's really mad and she's chasing me! You gotta hold her off and give me some time!
STRAVO: OK! Go!
*KUJA grabs CYRAN and helps him off. ZAIA runs on and STRAVO grapples with her for a moment, then jerks upright*
STRAVO: Wait a minute! Kuja's not on my team!
ZAIA: You let them get away?!
STRAVO: It was an honest mistake!
ZAIA: That's it, time to change the rules.
*she pulls out a cell phone and begins dialing*
STRAVO: Who are you calling?
ZAIA: Backup.
*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN, two blocks over*
KUJA: Skull ok?
CYRAN: Yeah. It'll take more than blacktop to slow me down!
KUJA: Attaboy. Now, I've got an idea on how to get ahold of some explosives.
CYRAN: How?
*KUJA pulls out a cell phone*
KUJA: Watch and learn.
b]Part 18: A Turn for the Insane[/b]
*fade in on the interior of an Imperial shuttle. Earth is seen beyond the forward viewport. STORMTROOPERS sit idly, some conversing quietly. Suddenly, a huge cyborg man steps into the camera, smiling viciously*
LT. HIT-MAN: Hiya, ladies! I'm Lieutenant Hit-Man, and these are the Imperial Stormtroopers! Right, boys?!
*STORMIES snap to attention*
STORMIES: YES SIR!
LT: And starting now, we're gonna be a part of the story! And while we're at it, we're gonna be kickin' ass left and right! Right, boys?!
STORMIES: OF COURSE WE WILL, SIR!
LT: So you all had better pay close attention!
*he grabs the camera and shoves his face into it, still grinning*
LT: Cuz we're gonna shake the scene so hard, they're gonna be feelin' it all the way back to Coruscant!
STORMIES: HOO-AH!
*CUT TO: space, the shuttle in the foreground, Earth in the background as echoes of the troopers' voices fade*
PILOT (vo): Sir, I'm picking up localized transmissions. It looks like a riot of some kind.
LT (vo): A riot, huh? Good! Land as close as possible! It's vacation time, boys!
*STORMIES cheer. CUT TO: the street outside King Steve's, where the ruckus has become a full-blown riot. Amid the violence, two very familiar-looking British guys are kicking back on a debris-strewn patio*
NITRAM: I say, I haven't enjoyed myself so thoroughly in a fortnight!
*a RIOTER tries to attack NITRAM from behind, but he tilts his head and the guy crashes onto the table. NITRAM shatters a wine bottle over his head*
WILSON: Good show, mate, jolly good show indeed!
*HIT-MAN and the other STORMIES come around the corner, bashing anyone who opposes them*
NITRAM: Ah, I see the constables have finally arrived!
LT: Chaos, panic, disorder...I love it!
*NITRAM and WILSON exchange a glance*
WILSON: That's no constable...that's a Sith Lord!
*he stands, grabs the broken wine bottle, and walks up to HIT-MAN*
WILSON: Who are you? What are you doing here?
LT: I'm LT. Hit-Man, and I'm looking for some grub! There a place to get some food around here?
WILSON: You can find your nourishment in hell, heathen!
LT: Alright, you're starting to piss me off.
*HIT-MAN backhands WILSON and sends him flying into a wall. NITRAM rushes over to his downed companion*
NITRAM: Oh, Robert! Why did you have to be so brave?
*WILSON moans and passes out*
LT: Come on, guys, I'm hungry! This place looks like a restaurant!
*HIT-MAN and the STORMIES enter King Steve's, where a full-scale barroom brawl is in progress. They take a booth*
LT: WAITER!
GARLAND: Yessir, can I help you?
LT: We'll have-
GARLAND: We ain't got any more! All we got left is hot dog and cheeseburger!
STORMIES: CHEESEBURGER!
GARLAND: You got it!
*GARLAND rushes off*
LT: So, who's enjoying themselves so far?
STORMIES: YEAH!
STORMIE: Feels like I'm sitting on something.
*the STORMIE reaches under the table and pulls out a squirming creature*
LT: What the hell? That looks like a gnome!
GNOME: That's cause I AM a gnome, ya big dummy!
*HIT-MAN grabs the GNOME and squeezes him*
LT: What'd you call me?!
GNOME: Can't...breathe...
LT: Who are you?!
GNOME: I'm RogueIce, Grand Vizier of the Gnomish Horde! HAIL GNOMAGE!
LT: That's it, I'm pissed! Burn his ass!
ROGUEICE: You can't!
LT: Why not?!
ROGUEICE: Because we simply don't burn!
*HIT-MAN drops his voice to a cold growl*
LT: Oh, I assure you, everything burns. It's all just a matter of finding your flash point. Corporal Asskick!
CPL: Yes sir!
LT: Gimme that Flamethrower we took off the Rebs on Tarhog IV!
CPL: Yes sir!
*ASSKICK hands over a miniature flamethrower. HIT-MAN points it ROGUEICE*
LT: Any last requests?
ROGUEICE: Actually-
LT: TOO BAD!
*HIT-MAN ignites the flamethrower and ROGUEICE'S beard catches fire. HIT-MAN drops him on the floor and he runs wildly, patting at his beard*
ROGUEICE: My beard! My beard! My precious beard!
GARLAND: Here's your burgers, gents!
LT: Alright! Good food, good entertainment, what more can a guy ask for, right?
STORMIES: RIGHT!
ROGUEICE: HELP ME!
*crossfade to: beneath the restaurant, where a large group of gnomes has gathered. Some hold torches, some knives, some pikes*
DARTH GARDEN GNOME: Is everybody ready?
GNOMES: READY!
DGG: Today is the Day of Reckoning! We shall rise up! We shall take Manhattan by storm! Humanity will fall before us!
GNOMES: HOORAY!
DGG: And then, we gnomes shall become the rightful masters of the world!
*GNOMES cheer. ROGUEICE rushes in, still on fire*
ROGUEICE: HAAAAAAALLLLLLP!
DGG: Dammit! Why is it that the Day of Reckoning always comes this close and then someone sets RogueIce on fire?!
MITTH'RAW'NURUODO: Because he's got shitty luck?
DGG: SILENCE!
*DGG smacks MITT and sends him flying into the GNOMISH HORDE. Someone shoves MITT and sends him into another GNOME. The other GNOME shoves MITT back. A brawl breaks out as the GNOMES drop their weapons and attack each other*
DGG: Oh, not again!
ROGUEICE: HELP!
*crossfade to: the STORMIES*
LT: So, what do you guys wanna do next? Rape? Pillage? Or play some Ping-Pong?
*a beeping noise comes from the cybernetic side of HIT-MAN'S head. He sighs and taps his temple*
LT: Yeah, it's Hit-Man, whaddaya want?! *he blinks* Didn't I tell you never to call me here?! *a pause* What about it?!...Yeah, I got the guys with me...so what?...oh yeah?...sounds like fun!...OK, cool! I'll see ya later! *he whacks his own head again* OK guys, we're gonna blow this joint! Sergeant Smackemintheface!
SGT: Yes sir!
LT: Holy Hand Grenade, now!
*SMACKEMINTHEFACE hands over an ornate grenade*
LT: DUCK AND COVER, BOYS!
*CUT TO: the outside of the restaurant. The STORMIES rush out the door as HIT-MAN pulls the pin and tosses the grenade back inside. A bright white light suddenly emanates from the building*
ANGELIC VOICES: HA-LLE-LU-JAH!
*a massive explosion destroys King Steve's*
LT: Lock and load, gentlemen! Cut down anyone in our way! We've got a job to do!
*STORMIES draw their blasters and blow a way through the crowd. The camera slowly zooms out as gold letters appear on the screen*
AND SO IT BEGINS...
*fade in on the interior of an Imperial shuttle. Earth is seen beyond the forward viewport. STORMTROOPERS sit idly, some conversing quietly. Suddenly, a huge cyborg man steps into the camera, smiling viciously*
LT. HIT-MAN: Hiya, ladies! I'm Lieutenant Hit-Man, and these are the Imperial Stormtroopers! Right, boys?!
*STORMIES snap to attention*
STORMIES: YES SIR!
LT: And starting now, we're gonna be a part of the story! And while we're at it, we're gonna be kickin' ass left and right! Right, boys?!
STORMIES: OF COURSE WE WILL, SIR!
LT: So you all had better pay close attention!
*he grabs the camera and shoves his face into it, still grinning*
LT: Cuz we're gonna shake the scene so hard, they're gonna be feelin' it all the way back to Coruscant!
STORMIES: HOO-AH!
*CUT TO: space, the shuttle in the foreground, Earth in the background as echoes of the troopers' voices fade*
PILOT (vo): Sir, I'm picking up localized transmissions. It looks like a riot of some kind.
LT (vo): A riot, huh? Good! Land as close as possible! It's vacation time, boys!
*STORMIES cheer. CUT TO: the street outside King Steve's, where the ruckus has become a full-blown riot. Amid the violence, two very familiar-looking British guys are kicking back on a debris-strewn patio*
NITRAM: I say, I haven't enjoyed myself so thoroughly in a fortnight!
*a RIOTER tries to attack NITRAM from behind, but he tilts his head and the guy crashes onto the table. NITRAM shatters a wine bottle over his head*
WILSON: Good show, mate, jolly good show indeed!
*HIT-MAN and the other STORMIES come around the corner, bashing anyone who opposes them*
NITRAM: Ah, I see the constables have finally arrived!
LT: Chaos, panic, disorder...I love it!
*NITRAM and WILSON exchange a glance*
WILSON: That's no constable...that's a Sith Lord!
*he stands, grabs the broken wine bottle, and walks up to HIT-MAN*
WILSON: Who are you? What are you doing here?
LT: I'm LT. Hit-Man, and I'm looking for some grub! There a place to get some food around here?
WILSON: You can find your nourishment in hell, heathen!
LT: Alright, you're starting to piss me off.
*HIT-MAN backhands WILSON and sends him flying into a wall. NITRAM rushes over to his downed companion*
NITRAM: Oh, Robert! Why did you have to be so brave?
*WILSON moans and passes out*
LT: Come on, guys, I'm hungry! This place looks like a restaurant!
*HIT-MAN and the STORMIES enter King Steve's, where a full-scale barroom brawl is in progress. They take a booth*
LT: WAITER!
GARLAND: Yessir, can I help you?
LT: We'll have-
GARLAND: We ain't got any more! All we got left is hot dog and cheeseburger!
STORMIES: CHEESEBURGER!
GARLAND: You got it!
*GARLAND rushes off*
LT: So, who's enjoying themselves so far?
STORMIES: YEAH!
STORMIE: Feels like I'm sitting on something.
*the STORMIE reaches under the table and pulls out a squirming creature*
LT: What the hell? That looks like a gnome!
GNOME: That's cause I AM a gnome, ya big dummy!
*HIT-MAN grabs the GNOME and squeezes him*
LT: What'd you call me?!
GNOME: Can't...breathe...
LT: Who are you?!
GNOME: I'm RogueIce, Grand Vizier of the Gnomish Horde! HAIL GNOMAGE!
LT: That's it, I'm pissed! Burn his ass!
ROGUEICE: You can't!
LT: Why not?!
ROGUEICE: Because we simply don't burn!
*HIT-MAN drops his voice to a cold growl*
LT: Oh, I assure you, everything burns. It's all just a matter of finding your flash point. Corporal Asskick!
CPL: Yes sir!
LT: Gimme that Flamethrower we took off the Rebs on Tarhog IV!
CPL: Yes sir!
*ASSKICK hands over a miniature flamethrower. HIT-MAN points it ROGUEICE*
LT: Any last requests?
ROGUEICE: Actually-
LT: TOO BAD!
*HIT-MAN ignites the flamethrower and ROGUEICE'S beard catches fire. HIT-MAN drops him on the floor and he runs wildly, patting at his beard*
ROGUEICE: My beard! My beard! My precious beard!
GARLAND: Here's your burgers, gents!
LT: Alright! Good food, good entertainment, what more can a guy ask for, right?
STORMIES: RIGHT!
ROGUEICE: HELP ME!
*crossfade to: beneath the restaurant, where a large group of gnomes has gathered. Some hold torches, some knives, some pikes*
DARTH GARDEN GNOME: Is everybody ready?
GNOMES: READY!
DGG: Today is the Day of Reckoning! We shall rise up! We shall take Manhattan by storm! Humanity will fall before us!
GNOMES: HOORAY!
DGG: And then, we gnomes shall become the rightful masters of the world!
*GNOMES cheer. ROGUEICE rushes in, still on fire*
ROGUEICE: HAAAAAAALLLLLLP!
DGG: Dammit! Why is it that the Day of Reckoning always comes this close and then someone sets RogueIce on fire?!
MITTH'RAW'NURUODO: Because he's got shitty luck?
DGG: SILENCE!
*DGG smacks MITT and sends him flying into the GNOMISH HORDE. Someone shoves MITT and sends him into another GNOME. The other GNOME shoves MITT back. A brawl breaks out as the GNOMES drop their weapons and attack each other*
DGG: Oh, not again!
ROGUEICE: HELP!
*crossfade to: the STORMIES*
LT: So, what do you guys wanna do next? Rape? Pillage? Or play some Ping-Pong?
*a beeping noise comes from the cybernetic side of HIT-MAN'S head. He sighs and taps his temple*
LT: Yeah, it's Hit-Man, whaddaya want?! *he blinks* Didn't I tell you never to call me here?! *a pause* What about it?!...Yeah, I got the guys with me...so what?...oh yeah?...sounds like fun!...OK, cool! I'll see ya later! *he whacks his own head again* OK guys, we're gonna blow this joint! Sergeant Smackemintheface!
SGT: Yes sir!
LT: Holy Hand Grenade, now!
*SMACKEMINTHEFACE hands over an ornate grenade*
LT: DUCK AND COVER, BOYS!
*CUT TO: the outside of the restaurant. The STORMIES rush out the door as HIT-MAN pulls the pin and tosses the grenade back inside. A bright white light suddenly emanates from the building*
ANGELIC VOICES: HA-LLE-LU-JAH!
*a massive explosion destroys King Steve's*
LT: Lock and load, gentlemen! Cut down anyone in our way! We've got a job to do!
*STORMIES draw their blasters and blow a way through the crowd. The camera slowly zooms out as gold letters appear on the screen*
AND SO IT BEGINS...
Part 19: Return of the son of the bride of the revenge of the ROB SMASH!
*we open up on KUJA and CYRAN walking quickly and chatting in low voices. KUJA goes to turn a corner and slams into ACE PACE*
KUJA: Hey asshole, why don't you watch where you're going?
*he shoves ACE*
ACE: How am I supposed to see you through a fucking brick wall? Do you think I'm psychic or something?
*he shoves KUJA back*
CYRAN: Hey, hey, hey, that's enough. It was an honest mistake. Now, shake hands.
*they do. CYRAN slaps ACE on the back*
CYRAN: OK, let's go.
KUJA: Later.
ACE: Later.
*as ACE walks off, a piece of paper saying 'Turbolasers are lasers' flaps at his back*
KUJA: Nice trick. Where'd you learn that?
CYRAN: Oh, I saw Aya do it once.
*Crossfade: Caridia, some time ago. AYA and CYRAN, laughing like maniacs, slap an identical sign on the back of a man heading towards the Imperial Naval Academy. Crossfade to the previous scene*
KUJA: Did it work?
CYRAN: Well…
*Crossfade to Caridia again. A group of angry Naval recruits are tar and feathering the man seen previously. Crossfade*
CYRAN: …I guess.
STRAVO *from left*: There you are!
*an arrow flies on and nails KUJA in the ass*
KUJA: YYYYYEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!
CYRAN: RUN!
*CYRAN runs off right. KUJA hobbles after him. STRAVO and ZAIA come on from left. STRAVO is reloading a crossbow*
ZAIA: Good shot!
STRAVO: Come on, let's get them!
*Cut to: a restaurant. ROB DALTON is sitting at a streetside table with a GIRL*
DALTON: Thanks for agreeing to come out on such short notice.
GIRL: Hey, it's no problem. I-
*CYRAN runs by, holding his hat on with one hand*
CYRAN: Hurry up, Kuja! They're gonna catch you!
*a moment*
GIRL: Did you just see-
DALTON: *flatly* No. And neither did you.
GIRL: *blinks* Um, okay.
*KUJA runs by, mostly hopping on one foot*
KUJA: That's easy for you to say; you don't have an arrow stuck in your ass!
*DALTON continues to look down at his plate*
DALTON: I did not see that, I did not see that, I did NOT see that-
GIRL: Is there something I should know about?
DALTON: NO! I mean, uh, of course not! Now, what do you say we-
STRAVO: Rob!
DALTON: FUCK!
*DALTON stands and turns to face STRAVO and ZAIA as they come up*
DALTON: What? What do you people want this time?! Can't you see I'm in the middle of a date?!
ZAIA: Kuja and Cyran are up to something.
*ROB groans*
DALTON: What now?
ZAIA: I don't know, but you can bet it's illegal.
*ROB holds his head in his hands*
DALTON: Why me? Why?
*he turns back to his table*
DALTON: I guess…HEY! Where'd she go?!
*the GIRL has vanished*
STRAVO: Looks like she took off.
DALTON: That's it. I'm mad.
*ROB begins to shake, turn green, and transform into ROB SMASH. He picks of the table and breaks it against the wall*
SMASH: Rob smash people who ruin his date!
ZAIA: *points* They went that way.
*SMASH yells incoherently and charges off in the direction indicated. Crashing sounds are heard*
STRAVO: Man, Rob must be the one driving property insurance sky-high around here.
*CUT TO: HIT-MAN and the STORMIES*
LT: Hey! You!
ACE: Yeah?
LT: You see a couple guys in pointy hats around here?
ACE: Actually, I ran into them a couple minutes ago. They went that way.
LT: Thanks!
*ACE turns to walk away*
LT: WHAT THE FUCK?!
*STORMIES make noises of disapproval*
LT: GRAB HIM!
*the STORMIES surround ACE and begin shoving him around*
ACE: Hey, what, I, what, but, stop it!
LT: What are you, a kriffing idiot?
ACE: What?
LT: Don't you know that lasers move at the speed of light?
ACE: What?!
LT: Don't you know that turbolasers aren't massless weapons?
ACE: WHAT?!
LT: Don't you know that turbolasers can flak burst?
ACE: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!
LT: HA! YOU ADMIT DEFEAT! TAKE HIM, BOYS!
*STORMIES pull out brass knuckles, chains, clubs, and other streetfighting weapons and proceed to beat ACE PACE senseless*
LT: That's what you get, moron!
*fade out as STORMIES continue to beat ACE PACE*
*we open up on KUJA and CYRAN walking quickly and chatting in low voices. KUJA goes to turn a corner and slams into ACE PACE*
KUJA: Hey asshole, why don't you watch where you're going?
*he shoves ACE*
ACE: How am I supposed to see you through a fucking brick wall? Do you think I'm psychic or something?
*he shoves KUJA back*
CYRAN: Hey, hey, hey, that's enough. It was an honest mistake. Now, shake hands.
*they do. CYRAN slaps ACE on the back*
CYRAN: OK, let's go.
KUJA: Later.
ACE: Later.
*as ACE walks off, a piece of paper saying 'Turbolasers are lasers' flaps at his back*
KUJA: Nice trick. Where'd you learn that?
CYRAN: Oh, I saw Aya do it once.
*Crossfade: Caridia, some time ago. AYA and CYRAN, laughing like maniacs, slap an identical sign on the back of a man heading towards the Imperial Naval Academy. Crossfade to the previous scene*
KUJA: Did it work?
CYRAN: Well…
*Crossfade to Caridia again. A group of angry Naval recruits are tar and feathering the man seen previously. Crossfade*
CYRAN: …I guess.
STRAVO *from left*: There you are!
*an arrow flies on and nails KUJA in the ass*
KUJA: YYYYYEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!
CYRAN: RUN!
*CYRAN runs off right. KUJA hobbles after him. STRAVO and ZAIA come on from left. STRAVO is reloading a crossbow*
ZAIA: Good shot!
STRAVO: Come on, let's get them!
*Cut to: a restaurant. ROB DALTON is sitting at a streetside table with a GIRL*
DALTON: Thanks for agreeing to come out on such short notice.
GIRL: Hey, it's no problem. I-
*CYRAN runs by, holding his hat on with one hand*
CYRAN: Hurry up, Kuja! They're gonna catch you!
*a moment*
GIRL: Did you just see-
DALTON: *flatly* No. And neither did you.
GIRL: *blinks* Um, okay.
*KUJA runs by, mostly hopping on one foot*
KUJA: That's easy for you to say; you don't have an arrow stuck in your ass!
*DALTON continues to look down at his plate*
DALTON: I did not see that, I did not see that, I did NOT see that-
GIRL: Is there something I should know about?
DALTON: NO! I mean, uh, of course not! Now, what do you say we-
STRAVO: Rob!
DALTON: FUCK!
*DALTON stands and turns to face STRAVO and ZAIA as they come up*
DALTON: What? What do you people want this time?! Can't you see I'm in the middle of a date?!
ZAIA: Kuja and Cyran are up to something.
*ROB groans*
DALTON: What now?
ZAIA: I don't know, but you can bet it's illegal.
*ROB holds his head in his hands*
DALTON: Why me? Why?
*he turns back to his table*
DALTON: I guess…HEY! Where'd she go?!
*the GIRL has vanished*
STRAVO: Looks like she took off.
DALTON: That's it. I'm mad.
*ROB begins to shake, turn green, and transform into ROB SMASH. He picks of the table and breaks it against the wall*
SMASH: Rob smash people who ruin his date!
ZAIA: *points* They went that way.
*SMASH yells incoherently and charges off in the direction indicated. Crashing sounds are heard*
STRAVO: Man, Rob must be the one driving property insurance sky-high around here.
*CUT TO: HIT-MAN and the STORMIES*
LT: Hey! You!
ACE: Yeah?
LT: You see a couple guys in pointy hats around here?
ACE: Actually, I ran into them a couple minutes ago. They went that way.
LT: Thanks!
*ACE turns to walk away*
LT: WHAT THE FUCK?!
*STORMIES make noises of disapproval*
LT: GRAB HIM!
*the STORMIES surround ACE and begin shoving him around*
ACE: Hey, what, I, what, but, stop it!
LT: What are you, a kriffing idiot?
ACE: What?
LT: Don't you know that lasers move at the speed of light?
ACE: What?!
LT: Don't you know that turbolasers aren't massless weapons?
ACE: WHAT?!
LT: Don't you know that turbolasers can flak burst?
ACE: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!
LT: HA! YOU ADMIT DEFEAT! TAKE HIM, BOYS!
*STORMIES pull out brass knuckles, chains, clubs, and other streetfighting weapons and proceed to beat ACE PACE senseless*
LT: That's what you get, moron!
*fade out as STORMIES continue to beat ACE PACE*
Part 20: Shit.
*we open up on the BMs. CYRAN has one foot planted on KUJA'S rear end and is yanking on the arrow*
KUJA: PULL, YOU FUCKING WEAKLING!
CYRAN: It's...stuck...
*arrow pops free and CYRAN falls over backwards. KUJA stands up and sighs blissfully*
KUJA: Finally.
CYRAN: Now, can we-
SMASH: ROB HAS FOUND YOU!
BOTH: WHAT THE HELL?!
*ROB SMASH appears at the end of the block and charges forward. STRAVO and ZAIA are close behind*
KUJA: Shit! Not this again! RUN!
*both of them take off running. KUJA is in the lead, but CYRAN pulls on his robes and runs past him. KUJA grabs the back of CYRAN'S hat and regains the lead*
SMASH: ROB SMAAAAAAASH!
*CYRAN pulls a clipboard out of his bag and begins scribbling*
CYRAN: Last Will and Testament-
*KUJA turns a corner and CYRAN follows. SMASH plows right through the building and gains some ground. Up ahead, SHINOVA walks out of a doorway*
SHINOVA: What on Earth?
*KUJA runs up to SHINOVA and pulls a giant wrench out of CYRAN'S bag*
KUJA: Shin! When Rob runs by here, whack him with this!
SHINOVA: What?
*KUJA and CYRAN take off again. SHINOVA stares at the wrench for a moment, then shrugs and lifts it over his head. ROB SMASH runs by. SHINOVA holds his position. STRAVO turns the corner and SHINOVA lets him have it, bringing the wrench down on his head. STRAVO grunts and falls flat on his face. As the crossbow hits the ground, it goes off. An arrow bounces off the sidewalk and nails ROB in the ass*
SMASH: AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
SHINOVA: YEAH! I got him! I...you're not Rob.
*STRAVO, being unconscious, does not reply*
ZAIA: What the hell did you do that for?!
SHINOVA: Uh, I, uh, I, well, I, uh...shit.
SMASH: WHO HURT ROB?!
*SHINOVA shoves the wrench into ZAIA'S hands and runs*
SHINOVA: SHE DID IT!
ROB: ROB SMASH!
ZAIA: Shit.
*CUT TO: a nearby alley. KUJA and CYRAN dart in and stop for a breather*
CYRAN: Damn...that was...way too...close.
KUJA: Yeah...what got Rob all mad this time?
CYRAN: Well, I guess it doesn't matter now. Rob's got someone new to hate.
KUJA: Cyran...it's Zaia.
*a pause*
CYRAN: So?
KUJA: Think about it.
*another pause*
CYRAN: Shit.
*CUT TO: ZAIA crouched in front of a wall. She leaps as ROB slams his fist into it, shattering it*
SMASH: SMASH!
*ZAIA ducks another swing*
ZAIA: Where the hell is my backup?
*CUT TO: HIT-MAN attempting to read a map upside-down*
LT: Uh...
CPL: You figure out where we go next, boss?
LT: Yeah, yeah. Just gimme a minute...here we are!
SGT: That's Alaska, boss.
LT: Shit.
STORMIE: Hey boss! Check this out!
*HIT-MAN walks over to the STORMIE and peers over his shoulder. He grins*
LT: Well, I guess this wasn't a waste of time after all! Get ready to move in, boys!
*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN*
CYRAN: We gotta go back and help her!
KUJA: Yeah, sure. Anyway, let's get going and meet my contact.
CYRAN: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO A WORD I SAY!
KUJA: Huh?
CYAN: Asshole! I'm going back to help Zaia!
KUJA: Like hell you are-
*blaster bolts suddenly hit the ground around their feet*
CYRAN: Yaaaah! What the-
VOICE: Don't move!
KUJA: Shit.
*we open up on the BMs. CYRAN has one foot planted on KUJA'S rear end and is yanking on the arrow*
KUJA: PULL, YOU FUCKING WEAKLING!
CYRAN: It's...stuck...
*arrow pops free and CYRAN falls over backwards. KUJA stands up and sighs blissfully*
KUJA: Finally.
CYRAN: Now, can we-
SMASH: ROB HAS FOUND YOU!
BOTH: WHAT THE HELL?!
*ROB SMASH appears at the end of the block and charges forward. STRAVO and ZAIA are close behind*
KUJA: Shit! Not this again! RUN!
*both of them take off running. KUJA is in the lead, but CYRAN pulls on his robes and runs past him. KUJA grabs the back of CYRAN'S hat and regains the lead*
SMASH: ROB SMAAAAAAASH!
*CYRAN pulls a clipboard out of his bag and begins scribbling*
CYRAN: Last Will and Testament-
*KUJA turns a corner and CYRAN follows. SMASH plows right through the building and gains some ground. Up ahead, SHINOVA walks out of a doorway*
SHINOVA: What on Earth?
*KUJA runs up to SHINOVA and pulls a giant wrench out of CYRAN'S bag*
KUJA: Shin! When Rob runs by here, whack him with this!
SHINOVA: What?
*KUJA and CYRAN take off again. SHINOVA stares at the wrench for a moment, then shrugs and lifts it over his head. ROB SMASH runs by. SHINOVA holds his position. STRAVO turns the corner and SHINOVA lets him have it, bringing the wrench down on his head. STRAVO grunts and falls flat on his face. As the crossbow hits the ground, it goes off. An arrow bounces off the sidewalk and nails ROB in the ass*
SMASH: AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
SHINOVA: YEAH! I got him! I...you're not Rob.
*STRAVO, being unconscious, does not reply*
ZAIA: What the hell did you do that for?!
SHINOVA: Uh, I, uh, I, well, I, uh...shit.
SMASH: WHO HURT ROB?!
*SHINOVA shoves the wrench into ZAIA'S hands and runs*
SHINOVA: SHE DID IT!
ROB: ROB SMASH!
ZAIA: Shit.
*CUT TO: a nearby alley. KUJA and CYRAN dart in and stop for a breather*
CYRAN: Damn...that was...way too...close.
KUJA: Yeah...what got Rob all mad this time?
CYRAN: Well, I guess it doesn't matter now. Rob's got someone new to hate.
KUJA: Cyran...it's Zaia.
*a pause*
CYRAN: So?
KUJA: Think about it.
*another pause*
CYRAN: Shit.
*CUT TO: ZAIA crouched in front of a wall. She leaps as ROB slams his fist into it, shattering it*
SMASH: SMASH!
*ZAIA ducks another swing*
ZAIA: Where the hell is my backup?
*CUT TO: HIT-MAN attempting to read a map upside-down*
LT: Uh...
CPL: You figure out where we go next, boss?
LT: Yeah, yeah. Just gimme a minute...here we are!
SGT: That's Alaska, boss.
LT: Shit.
STORMIE: Hey boss! Check this out!
*HIT-MAN walks over to the STORMIE and peers over his shoulder. He grins*
LT: Well, I guess this wasn't a waste of time after all! Get ready to move in, boys!
*CUT TO: KUJA and CYRAN*
CYRAN: We gotta go back and help her!
KUJA: Yeah, sure. Anyway, let's get going and meet my contact.
CYRAN: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO A WORD I SAY!
KUJA: Huh?
CYAN: Asshole! I'm going back to help Zaia!
KUJA: Like hell you are-
*blaster bolts suddenly hit the ground around their feet*
CYRAN: Yaaaah! What the-
VOICE: Don't move!
KUJA: Shit.
Part 21: Ph34r the half-baked plans of SEGNOR
*Open up on a dark sewer deep beneath Manhattan. DARTH GARDEN GNOME and ROGUEICE stand before a cyborg human, currently deactivated. The chest of the cyborg is open, revealing three small seats inside*
DGG: So be it! If the Day of Reckoning won't come to us, we'll go to it!
ROGUEICE: Isn't it all the same?
DGG: IMPERTINENCE! RYE, ABUSE HIM!
*an orange-headed gnome jumps out of the shadows and crushes ICE with his head*
RYE: Shall I continue?
DGG: Shall he?
ROGUEICE: No! I-I've learned my lesson!
DGG: Continue!
*RYE bashes ICE a few more times*
DGG: That will be sufficient. Dismissed!
*RYE salutes and leaves*
DGG: Now then, we need our pilots!
*he whistles. MITT, JODOFORCE, and LONESTAR all rush up, dressed in flight suits*
DGG: RogueIce, brief them!
ROGUEICE: Gentlemen, your mission is to use this false human to infiltrate Manhattan society. Once done-
DGG: You will return to us and tell us everything we need to know in order to crush humanity!
ROGUEICE: *whines* I thought I was doing the briefing!
DGG: IMPERTINENCE! RYE!
ROGUEICE: NOOOOOOOO!
*RYE jumps in wielding a crowbar and chases ROGUEICE off*
LONESTAR: Sir? The mission?
DGG: Oh, yes! For secrecy purposes, your mission is codenamed 'Pandora's Thighs'. Now get going!
ALL THREE: YES SIR!
*all three GNOMES pile into the cyborg. JODO pulls the hatch closed. After a moment, the cyborg jerks, opens its eyes, and stands, towering over DARTH*
DGG: Well, Agent Fisher, are you ready?
FISHER: I-will-con-quer-the-hu-mans-sir.
*DGG grabs a rock and brains FISHER with it*
FISHER: OW!
DGG: Talk like a normal human, fool! Otherwise, you'll never blend in!
FISHER: Yes sir. I'm ready to leave now.
DGG: Good! Go!
*FISHER turns and begins to climb a nearby ladder. Upon reaching the top, he lifts a manhole and peers out at the street*
FISHER: Looks like a war zone out there.
VOICE: ROB SMASH!
FISHER: What the-
*a big green foot stomps down on the manhole, sending FISHER rocketing straight down. He crunches through the floor where DARTH is standing and continues down*
DGG: Oh, crap! He's going to slam into the C-4 stockpile!
*DGG dives under a blanket and hides there, shivering. Meanwhile, up on the street, SMASH is completely unaware of the chaos below*
SMASH: ROB SMASH REDHEAD WHO HURT ROB'S ASS!
ZAIA: That can be construed SO many different ways.
SMASH: ROB SMASH!
*ROB takes a swing at ZAIA, who ducks under it and begins tickling him*
ZAIA: Cootchie-cootchie-coo!
*SMASH immediately collapses, laughing hysterically*
SMASH: R-ROB...STOP...STOP...STOP!!
*SMASH jumps up and knocks ZAIA over in the process*
SMASH: NOW ROB SMASH!
*SMASH hauls off, but suddenly, the nearby manhole cover is blown off by a massive explosion. The manhole cover soars up, then comes back down on ROB'S head. He grunts and promptly falls over*
ZAIA: Why are men constantly falling over me?
STRAVO: *groan*
*cut to the nearby alley*
KUJA: Who's there?
VOICE: Throw down your weapons.
CYRAN: Do we do it?
KUJA: No choice. Do it.
*KUJA unslings his sledgehammer. CYRAN drops his knife and the traveling bag*
VOICE: Put your arms up!
*they do*
KUJA: That voice sounds familiar…
*a helmetless Mandalorian drops from the roof of the nearest building and trains a blaster pistol on each Black Mage*
MARINA: Now, don't make any sudden moves, and you won't lose anything vital.
CYRAN: Shit! Duchess, what the hell are you doing here?
MARINA: Making you two look like fools. Not too tough, I suppose.
KUJA: Zaia called you, didn't she?
MARINA: Now you're making use of that rusting hunk of metal you call a brain.
*behind the other corner*
LT: OK boys, get ready. And Private Long.
LONG: Yes sir?
LT: Remember, the hole on the end of the rifle is NOT a sighting device.
LONG: Yes sir!
*Open up on a dark sewer deep beneath Manhattan. DARTH GARDEN GNOME and ROGUEICE stand before a cyborg human, currently deactivated. The chest of the cyborg is open, revealing three small seats inside*
DGG: So be it! If the Day of Reckoning won't come to us, we'll go to it!
ROGUEICE: Isn't it all the same?
DGG: IMPERTINENCE! RYE, ABUSE HIM!
*an orange-headed gnome jumps out of the shadows and crushes ICE with his head*
RYE: Shall I continue?
DGG: Shall he?
ROGUEICE: No! I-I've learned my lesson!
DGG: Continue!
*RYE bashes ICE a few more times*
DGG: That will be sufficient. Dismissed!
*RYE salutes and leaves*
DGG: Now then, we need our pilots!
*he whistles. MITT, JODOFORCE, and LONESTAR all rush up, dressed in flight suits*
DGG: RogueIce, brief them!
ROGUEICE: Gentlemen, your mission is to use this false human to infiltrate Manhattan society. Once done-
DGG: You will return to us and tell us everything we need to know in order to crush humanity!
ROGUEICE: *whines* I thought I was doing the briefing!
DGG: IMPERTINENCE! RYE!
ROGUEICE: NOOOOOOOO!
*RYE jumps in wielding a crowbar and chases ROGUEICE off*
LONESTAR: Sir? The mission?
DGG: Oh, yes! For secrecy purposes, your mission is codenamed 'Pandora's Thighs'. Now get going!
ALL THREE: YES SIR!
*all three GNOMES pile into the cyborg. JODO pulls the hatch closed. After a moment, the cyborg jerks, opens its eyes, and stands, towering over DARTH*
DGG: Well, Agent Fisher, are you ready?
FISHER: I-will-con-quer-the-hu-mans-sir.
*DGG grabs a rock and brains FISHER with it*
FISHER: OW!
DGG: Talk like a normal human, fool! Otherwise, you'll never blend in!
FISHER: Yes sir. I'm ready to leave now.
DGG: Good! Go!
*FISHER turns and begins to climb a nearby ladder. Upon reaching the top, he lifts a manhole and peers out at the street*
FISHER: Looks like a war zone out there.
VOICE: ROB SMASH!
FISHER: What the-
*a big green foot stomps down on the manhole, sending FISHER rocketing straight down. He crunches through the floor where DARTH is standing and continues down*
DGG: Oh, crap! He's going to slam into the C-4 stockpile!
*DGG dives under a blanket and hides there, shivering. Meanwhile, up on the street, SMASH is completely unaware of the chaos below*
SMASH: ROB SMASH REDHEAD WHO HURT ROB'S ASS!
ZAIA: That can be construed SO many different ways.
SMASH: ROB SMASH!
*ROB takes a swing at ZAIA, who ducks under it and begins tickling him*
ZAIA: Cootchie-cootchie-coo!
*SMASH immediately collapses, laughing hysterically*
SMASH: R-ROB...STOP...STOP...STOP!!
*SMASH jumps up and knocks ZAIA over in the process*
SMASH: NOW ROB SMASH!
*SMASH hauls off, but suddenly, the nearby manhole cover is blown off by a massive explosion. The manhole cover soars up, then comes back down on ROB'S head. He grunts and promptly falls over*
ZAIA: Why are men constantly falling over me?
STRAVO: *groan*
*cut to the nearby alley*
KUJA: Who's there?
VOICE: Throw down your weapons.
CYRAN: Do we do it?
KUJA: No choice. Do it.
*KUJA unslings his sledgehammer. CYRAN drops his knife and the traveling bag*
VOICE: Put your arms up!
*they do*
KUJA: That voice sounds familiar…
*a helmetless Mandalorian drops from the roof of the nearest building and trains a blaster pistol on each Black Mage*
MARINA: Now, don't make any sudden moves, and you won't lose anything vital.
CYRAN: Shit! Duchess, what the hell are you doing here?
MARINA: Making you two look like fools. Not too tough, I suppose.
KUJA: Zaia called you, didn't she?
MARINA: Now you're making use of that rusting hunk of metal you call a brain.
*behind the other corner*
LT: OK boys, get ready. And Private Long.
LONG: Yes sir?
LT: Remember, the hole on the end of the rifle is NOT a sighting device.
LONG: Yes sir!
Part 22: Stereotyping blond people
*open up on ZAIA tugging on DALTON'S arm*
ZAIA: Stand...up...you...big...
*he grip slips and she falls backwards*
ZAIA: Help me, will you?!
STRAVO: I've got a twelve-alarm headache and you want ME to help YOU?
ZAIA: *smiles* Pleeeeeeeaaaase?
STRAVO: WAKE UP! WAKE UP, YOU FOOL!
DALTON: Murmph.
ZAIA: Stop that. My ears are ringing.
STRAVO: No, that's your cell phone.
ZAIA: Oh.
*ZAIA answers her phone while STRAVO begins kicking ROB in the ribs. ROB finally comes to and lets STRAVO help him up, then decks STRAVO for kicking him in the ribs*
ZAIA: Hey guys, good news!
BOTH: What?
*CUT TO: MARINA and the BMs*
MARINA: Turn around.
KUJA: Look, Marina, maybe we can talk-
MARINA: NOW!
KUJA: OK.
*they turn*
MARINA: Now, march.
VOICE: HEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY MARINA!
MARINA: What the-
*LT. HIT-MAN bursts out of the shadows and jumps on MARINA'S back*
LT: Hey, what's up? How you doing?
MARINA: Get off of me, you stupid ape!
KUJA: Cyran, now!
*CYRAN grabs his traveling bag and reaches inside*
CYRAN: AMNESIA DUST!
*a handful of gold powder hits MARINA in the face and she begins coughing. HIT-MAN jumps off as she doubles over. CYRAN checks the small pouch in his hand*
CYRAN: Uh oh.
KUJA: Uh oh what?
CYRAN: That wasn't amnesia dust.
LT: Hey, look at her hair!
*MARINA'S hair begins changing color, from red to yellow, as she continues coughing*
KUJA: What's happening to her? *to CYRAN* What the hell was that stuff?
CYRAN: Um...Ultra Blond Powder.
LT: What?
*MARINA finally stops coughing and stands up straight. She blinks*
MARINA: Ewwwww, what am I doing in this grungy outfit? And why I am a standing in this dirty alley? I'm going out for some sun!
*she strips off the armor to reveal more normal clothes and pops some bubble gum in her mouth*
MARINA: I'm going shopping! Wanna come?
LT: *dumbfounded* Uh...
MARINA: Oh well, you snooze you lose! See ya later!
*she bounces off. All three guys look at each other*
KUJA: You turned Marina into an airhead blond.
CYRAN: I grabbed the wrong pouch!
*a moment*
ALL THREE: VIDEOTAPE!
*CUT TO: ZAIA dragging STRAVO and DALTON down the street*
STRAVO: What's the rush?
DALTON: Yeah, Marina can handle things.
ZAIA: Well, I've got a bad feeling about-
BOTH: DON'T SAY IT!
*MARINA comes around the corner, a vapid smile on her face. She stops and looks shocked, then lets out a happy scream, dashes up to ZAIA and grabs her hands*
MARINA: Ohmygod Zaia, how are you! I haven't seen you in, like, forever! What's new? Have you got a boyfriend yet? Want to do some shopping?
*ZAIA is a bit startled. ROB and STRAVO stare*
ZAIA: Uh...Marina, is that you?
MARINA: Of course it is, silly! Who did you think it was, the Tooth Fairy?
DALTON: Marina?
MARINA: Hey, Robby! Who'da guessed I'd run into you here?!
STRAVO: *amazed* Robby?
DALTON: Don't look at me.
MARINA: Well, are you guys all gonna stand here and gawk or is someone coming with?
ZAIA: Marina, what the hell happened to you?
MARINA: Oh, I dunno. *she twirls her hair* One sec I'm standing in this ugly little place and the next I just felt like going out and having a good time, y'know?
ZAIA: Um, OK.
MARINA: Well, I'm going out to find a date! You can just stand here and be boring!
*she bounces off again*
STRAVO: Wow...Marina as a blond chick...
DALTON: It's bizarre...yet strangely attractive.
*LT, the BMs, and a bunch of STORMIES dash around the corner. CYRAN is carrying a monstrous video recorder*
KUJA: There she is, don't lose her!
ZAIA: Wait a minute!
LT: Whaddaya want?
ZAIA: What the hell did you do to her?
CYRAN: *proudly* I turned Marina into an airhead blond!
*up ahead, MARINA loops an arm around a surprised brunette*
MARINA: So, what're you doing tonight, sweetie?
ZAIA: I can't stand to see her like this.
ALL GUYS: I CAN!
ZAIA: *mutters* Perverts.
*she notices CYRAN'S camera*
ZAIA: Gimme that!
CYRAN: No way! This contains bribery material of unlimited potential! I'm not giving it up!
ZAIA: Gimme!
*she dives for the camera, but CYRAN tosses it to KUJA. She dives at KUJA, but he tosses it to STRAVO. A game of keep-away begins, with all the guys tossing the camera around. Finally, DALTON flubs a catch and ZAIA grabs it*
KUJA: Rob, you butterfingered fool!
DALTON: *in tears* Football never was my cup of tea.
*ZAIA breaks the camera over her knee. CYRAN has a spaz attack*
CYRAN: Noooooooo! All that beautiful evidence down the drain! *he begins sobbing*
ZAIA: That's it, I'm going to kill you all.
*her claws spring out*
LT: Disorganized retreat pattern Four-Alpha! Go!
*all the guys run screaming down the street, just ahead of ZAIA. After a moment, KUJA comes back and retrieves an intact videotape from the broken recorder*
KUJA: Hehehehehehe...and now, on to the final phase of my uber-ingenious ego-feeding plan!
*he continues laughing madly as he runs away again*
*open up on ZAIA tugging on DALTON'S arm*
ZAIA: Stand...up...you...big...
*he grip slips and she falls backwards*
ZAIA: Help me, will you?!
STRAVO: I've got a twelve-alarm headache and you want ME to help YOU?
ZAIA: *smiles* Pleeeeeeeaaaase?
STRAVO: WAKE UP! WAKE UP, YOU FOOL!
DALTON: Murmph.
ZAIA: Stop that. My ears are ringing.
STRAVO: No, that's your cell phone.
ZAIA: Oh.
*ZAIA answers her phone while STRAVO begins kicking ROB in the ribs. ROB finally comes to and lets STRAVO help him up, then decks STRAVO for kicking him in the ribs*
ZAIA: Hey guys, good news!
BOTH: What?
*CUT TO: MARINA and the BMs*
MARINA: Turn around.
KUJA: Look, Marina, maybe we can talk-
MARINA: NOW!
KUJA: OK.
*they turn*
MARINA: Now, march.
VOICE: HEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY MARINA!
MARINA: What the-
*LT. HIT-MAN bursts out of the shadows and jumps on MARINA'S back*
LT: Hey, what's up? How you doing?
MARINA: Get off of me, you stupid ape!
KUJA: Cyran, now!
*CYRAN grabs his traveling bag and reaches inside*
CYRAN: AMNESIA DUST!
*a handful of gold powder hits MARINA in the face and she begins coughing. HIT-MAN jumps off as she doubles over. CYRAN checks the small pouch in his hand*
CYRAN: Uh oh.
KUJA: Uh oh what?
CYRAN: That wasn't amnesia dust.
LT: Hey, look at her hair!
*MARINA'S hair begins changing color, from red to yellow, as she continues coughing*
KUJA: What's happening to her? *to CYRAN* What the hell was that stuff?
CYRAN: Um...Ultra Blond Powder.
LT: What?
*MARINA finally stops coughing and stands up straight. She blinks*
MARINA: Ewwwww, what am I doing in this grungy outfit? And why I am a standing in this dirty alley? I'm going out for some sun!
*she strips off the armor to reveal more normal clothes and pops some bubble gum in her mouth*
MARINA: I'm going shopping! Wanna come?
LT: *dumbfounded* Uh...
MARINA: Oh well, you snooze you lose! See ya later!
*she bounces off. All three guys look at each other*
KUJA: You turned Marina into an airhead blond.
CYRAN: I grabbed the wrong pouch!
*a moment*
ALL THREE: VIDEOTAPE!
*CUT TO: ZAIA dragging STRAVO and DALTON down the street*
STRAVO: What's the rush?
DALTON: Yeah, Marina can handle things.
ZAIA: Well, I've got a bad feeling about-
BOTH: DON'T SAY IT!
*MARINA comes around the corner, a vapid smile on her face. She stops and looks shocked, then lets out a happy scream, dashes up to ZAIA and grabs her hands*
MARINA: Ohmygod Zaia, how are you! I haven't seen you in, like, forever! What's new? Have you got a boyfriend yet? Want to do some shopping?
*ZAIA is a bit startled. ROB and STRAVO stare*
ZAIA: Uh...Marina, is that you?
MARINA: Of course it is, silly! Who did you think it was, the Tooth Fairy?
DALTON: Marina?
MARINA: Hey, Robby! Who'da guessed I'd run into you here?!
STRAVO: *amazed* Robby?
DALTON: Don't look at me.
MARINA: Well, are you guys all gonna stand here and gawk or is someone coming with?
ZAIA: Marina, what the hell happened to you?
MARINA: Oh, I dunno. *she twirls her hair* One sec I'm standing in this ugly little place and the next I just felt like going out and having a good time, y'know?
ZAIA: Um, OK.
MARINA: Well, I'm going out to find a date! You can just stand here and be boring!
*she bounces off again*
STRAVO: Wow...Marina as a blond chick...
DALTON: It's bizarre...yet strangely attractive.
*LT, the BMs, and a bunch of STORMIES dash around the corner. CYRAN is carrying a monstrous video recorder*
KUJA: There she is, don't lose her!
ZAIA: Wait a minute!
LT: Whaddaya want?
ZAIA: What the hell did you do to her?
CYRAN: *proudly* I turned Marina into an airhead blond!
*up ahead, MARINA loops an arm around a surprised brunette*
MARINA: So, what're you doing tonight, sweetie?
ZAIA: I can't stand to see her like this.
ALL GUYS: I CAN!
ZAIA: *mutters* Perverts.
*she notices CYRAN'S camera*
ZAIA: Gimme that!
CYRAN: No way! This contains bribery material of unlimited potential! I'm not giving it up!
ZAIA: Gimme!
*she dives for the camera, but CYRAN tosses it to KUJA. She dives at KUJA, but he tosses it to STRAVO. A game of keep-away begins, with all the guys tossing the camera around. Finally, DALTON flubs a catch and ZAIA grabs it*
KUJA: Rob, you butterfingered fool!
DALTON: *in tears* Football never was my cup of tea.
*ZAIA breaks the camera over her knee. CYRAN has a spaz attack*
CYRAN: Noooooooo! All that beautiful evidence down the drain! *he begins sobbing*
ZAIA: That's it, I'm going to kill you all.
*her claws spring out*
LT: Disorganized retreat pattern Four-Alpha! Go!
*all the guys run screaming down the street, just ahead of ZAIA. After a moment, KUJA comes back and retrieves an intact videotape from the broken recorder*
KUJA: Hehehehehehe...and now, on to the final phase of my uber-ingenious ego-feeding plan!
*he continues laughing madly as he runs away again*
Part 23: Being popular isn't all it's cracked up to be
*open up on a city street. A lone GUY dressed in a trench coat and a mobster hat pulled down over his eyes stands on the sidewalk. LT. HIT-MAN, KUJA, CYRAN, STRAVO, DALTON, and the STORMIES all run by, yammering. He doesn't react. ZAIA runs by, then stops suddenly and turns to look at him*
ZAIA: Do I know you?
GUY: *flatly* No.
ZAIA: You look familiar.
GUY: *flatly* No I don't.
*ZAIA continues staring at him*
ZAIA: I could've sworn I've seen you before.
GUY: *nervously* No you haven't.
*ZAIA steps forward and rips his hat off*
ZAIA: Stormbringer! I knew it was you!
STORMBRINGER: Shit! Gimme that hat back!
GIRL: EEEEEK! THERE HE IS!
STORMBRINGER: Oh no.
*a mob of GIRLS runs around the corner and surrounds STORMBRINGER, knocking ZAIA backwards in the process*
ZAIA: What-
GIRL 1: GET HIS HAIR! I WANT HIS HAIR!
GIRL 2: I WANNA TOUCH HIS LEGS!
GIRL 3: HOLD MY HAND!
GIRL 4: NO, HOLD MINE!
STORMBRINGER: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME!
ZAIA: Holy shit.
*a certain figure walks by, carrying a boat oar*
DARTH FANBOY: Poor guy. It's tough being popular. I should know.
ZAIA: Hey Fanboy, come here!
*FANBOY begins to walk over*
FANBOY: What do you-
*ZAIA grabs him by the throat and uses the claws on her free hand to cut her way into the mob. Several moments pass before she emerges carrying a thoroughly abused STORMBRINGER*
FANBOY: HELP! HELP ME! I'M NOT THE GUY YOU'RE LOOKING FOR! ZAIA!
ZAIA: Sorry hon, it's called 'acceptable casualties'.
*she carries STORMBRINGER some distance away and sets him down*
ZAIA: Are you okay?
STORMBRINGER: My ribs are bruised, my clothes are ripped, my hair's torn, and my jaw feels sore. DO I LOOK OKAY TO YOU?!
ZAIA: Sorry.
STORMBRINGER: Why me? Why can't I even go out in public without being mobbed by that bunch of psychos?
*CUT TO: around the corner, where all the guys are listening in*
DALTON: I'd like to know the answer to that myself.
CYRAN: Ssh! Zaia's talking!
*CUT BACK*
ZAIA: Hey, you should feel lucky to have so many girlfriends.
STORMBRINGER: They're not my girlfriends, they're my stalkers!
*CUT AROUND*
LT: Is that like a stalk of broccoli or a stalk of asparagus?
*KUJA snickers. CUT BACK*
ZAIA: Well, at least they're distracted now, so you should be able to…go home, or whatever you were trying to do.
*CUT TO: FANBOY attempting to use the oar to smash his way out of the MOB*
FANBOY: Back! Back, I say! Back!
*a GIRL grabs the oar and runs off with it*
GIRL: I'VE GOT THE OAR! I'VE GOT THE OAR!
FANBOY: NO! My precious oar! My precious! Myyyyyyyy preeeeeciousssss!
*CUT AROUND*
FANBOY: The precious is lost!
STRAVO: I don't even wanna know what's going on there.
STORMIE 1: I'm glad stuff like this never happens to us.
STORMIE 2: Yeah, me too.
GIRL: EEEEEK! STORMTROOPERS!
STORMIES: NOOOO!
*the STORMTROOPER FAN CLUB appears out of nowhere and surrounds the squad. Several blaster bolts are fired out of the tangle of bodies, but have no discernable effect. After several moments, the group retreats, leaving only a blaster rifle and an upside-down helmet, rocking back and forth*
LT: No! My entire squad! Oh, the humanity of it all!
*he breaks down*
DALTON: S'okay, LT. They've just gone to that big Battle of Hoth in the sky.
LT: You think so?
DALTON: *grins* Sure.
CYRAN: You've got your fingers crossed, liar!
KUJA: GENTLEMEN! Might I remind you that we have a schedule to keep?
STRAVO AND DALTON: We do?
KUJA: Well, you don't, but you're welcome to join us. Let's just check on what Zaia's up to, shall we?
*he starts to peek around the corner. CUT BACK to where ZAIA is crouched, waiting. KUJA'S head starts to come around and she leaps, spearing it with her claws.*
KUJA: Whew! That was close!
ZAIA: What the- *she flexes her hands* This is silly putty!
KUJA: Gotcha! Let's go, boys!
*the guys run off, leaving ZAIA behind*
ZAIA: Ugh, it's all over my hands. I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, KUJA!
*open up on a city street. A lone GUY dressed in a trench coat and a mobster hat pulled down over his eyes stands on the sidewalk. LT. HIT-MAN, KUJA, CYRAN, STRAVO, DALTON, and the STORMIES all run by, yammering. He doesn't react. ZAIA runs by, then stops suddenly and turns to look at him*
ZAIA: Do I know you?
GUY: *flatly* No.
ZAIA: You look familiar.
GUY: *flatly* No I don't.
*ZAIA continues staring at him*
ZAIA: I could've sworn I've seen you before.
GUY: *nervously* No you haven't.
*ZAIA steps forward and rips his hat off*
ZAIA: Stormbringer! I knew it was you!
STORMBRINGER: Shit! Gimme that hat back!
GIRL: EEEEEK! THERE HE IS!
STORMBRINGER: Oh no.
*a mob of GIRLS runs around the corner and surrounds STORMBRINGER, knocking ZAIA backwards in the process*
ZAIA: What-
GIRL 1: GET HIS HAIR! I WANT HIS HAIR!
GIRL 2: I WANNA TOUCH HIS LEGS!
GIRL 3: HOLD MY HAND!
GIRL 4: NO, HOLD MINE!
STORMBRINGER: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME!
ZAIA: Holy shit.
*a certain figure walks by, carrying a boat oar*
DARTH FANBOY: Poor guy. It's tough being popular. I should know.
ZAIA: Hey Fanboy, come here!
*FANBOY begins to walk over*
FANBOY: What do you-
*ZAIA grabs him by the throat and uses the claws on her free hand to cut her way into the mob. Several moments pass before she emerges carrying a thoroughly abused STORMBRINGER*
FANBOY: HELP! HELP ME! I'M NOT THE GUY YOU'RE LOOKING FOR! ZAIA!
ZAIA: Sorry hon, it's called 'acceptable casualties'.
*she carries STORMBRINGER some distance away and sets him down*
ZAIA: Are you okay?
STORMBRINGER: My ribs are bruised, my clothes are ripped, my hair's torn, and my jaw feels sore. DO I LOOK OKAY TO YOU?!
ZAIA: Sorry.
STORMBRINGER: Why me? Why can't I even go out in public without being mobbed by that bunch of psychos?
*CUT TO: around the corner, where all the guys are listening in*
DALTON: I'd like to know the answer to that myself.
CYRAN: Ssh! Zaia's talking!
*CUT BACK*
ZAIA: Hey, you should feel lucky to have so many girlfriends.
STORMBRINGER: They're not my girlfriends, they're my stalkers!
*CUT AROUND*
LT: Is that like a stalk of broccoli or a stalk of asparagus?
*KUJA snickers. CUT BACK*
ZAIA: Well, at least they're distracted now, so you should be able to…go home, or whatever you were trying to do.
*CUT TO: FANBOY attempting to use the oar to smash his way out of the MOB*
FANBOY: Back! Back, I say! Back!
*a GIRL grabs the oar and runs off with it*
GIRL: I'VE GOT THE OAR! I'VE GOT THE OAR!
FANBOY: NO! My precious oar! My precious! Myyyyyyyy preeeeeciousssss!
*CUT AROUND*
FANBOY: The precious is lost!
STRAVO: I don't even wanna know what's going on there.
STORMIE 1: I'm glad stuff like this never happens to us.
STORMIE 2: Yeah, me too.
GIRL: EEEEEK! STORMTROOPERS!
STORMIES: NOOOO!
*the STORMTROOPER FAN CLUB appears out of nowhere and surrounds the squad. Several blaster bolts are fired out of the tangle of bodies, but have no discernable effect. After several moments, the group retreats, leaving only a blaster rifle and an upside-down helmet, rocking back and forth*
LT: No! My entire squad! Oh, the humanity of it all!
*he breaks down*
DALTON: S'okay, LT. They've just gone to that big Battle of Hoth in the sky.
LT: You think so?
DALTON: *grins* Sure.
CYRAN: You've got your fingers crossed, liar!
KUJA: GENTLEMEN! Might I remind you that we have a schedule to keep?
STRAVO AND DALTON: We do?
KUJA: Well, you don't, but you're welcome to join us. Let's just check on what Zaia's up to, shall we?
*he starts to peek around the corner. CUT BACK to where ZAIA is crouched, waiting. KUJA'S head starts to come around and she leaps, spearing it with her claws.*
KUJA: Whew! That was close!
ZAIA: What the- *she flexes her hands* This is silly putty!
KUJA: Gotcha! Let's go, boys!
*the guys run off, leaving ZAIA behind*
ZAIA: Ugh, it's all over my hands. I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, KUJA!