Co-written with Shroom
Luz
High Orbit
The
Nkwey, a Sasidwi class ship, powered toward planet Luz. Kuna sat upon the bridge, looking upon the Feelipeeno's planet. She was a diplomat and was expected to wrest Shroomarcos firmly into the NenAltKik's sphere of influence. They were becoming too close to Shepistan and that was unacceptable. The NenAltKik had just been wracked by a coup attempt and could not accept nearby planets coming under the influence of potential enemies. While Shepistan was not a problem now, who knows what insanity could overcome them? They
nuked geese, what's to stop them from trying to kill the NenAltKik for utilizing psykers or for being insufficiently kind to PUPPERs? Plus, if the Commies or Centralists ousted Shroomarcos, who knows what they would do? It was better by far to get Shroomarcos to understand what was in his best interest.
Thus, a kipakt was being sent; humans always had a visceral reaction to a 1 ton predator who could kill in a single bite.
The
Nkwey pulled into orbit around Luz and sent all the relevant docking codes, as well as confirming its status as a diplomatic vessel. The Feelipeenos were rather wary of the ship, though, bristling as it was with powerful guns and missiles. Yet, it was certainly a NenAltKik vessel, and they were not renowned for surprise attacks on small nations, at least on their own.
Kuna sent a message to the Feelipeeno diplomatic corps.
"I wish to directly speak with President Shroomarcos at the soonest opportunity. We have important matters to discuss about a possible alliance and economic cooperation. This is very necessary, please alert him as soon as possible."
She chirped in contentment after killing the signal.
This should hopefully be fun.
Maynilad
"I will not stand for this naked attempt at gunboat diplomacy!" Shroomarcos spat. "Those overgrown lizards think they can come here and get their way with us? First the
communistas and the
centralismos, and now these fat crocodiles! Ahhh!"
"So, what do we do, sir?" asked one of his goons.
"Send our new warships to escort the lizard ship to dock in Maynilad Bay," Shroomarcos decided. "And someone get me General Sheppard on the line. Tell him these reptiles are trying to do something funny."
"Anything else?" the goon-aide asked.
"Bring that goddamn lizard ambassador into the Palace and arrange a meeting. Possibly in the garden, since she might not fit in the function rooms. And make sure there are screens around the place, so she won't see any of the goddamn poor people outside!"
Luz
High orbit
The two
Blitz-class frigvettes approached the dinosaurian destroyer. The
Arowana and the
Bangus began transmitting to the ship, their captains instructing it to dock in Maynilad Bay in broken English. Just as they did, a small squadron of rusty hand-me-down Shepistani fighters, Mark 0 Vipers, reached orbit to join the makeshift space parade. This was the first time in years that the Feelipeeni Aerospace Patrol (FAP) had been scrambled into action, and considering that their pilots were in the habit of leaving cockpit canopies open overnight while it rained, it was a very good effort on their part.
Some of the aerospacecraft’s radios were malfunctioning, so they resorted to flashing lights in morse code as they caught up with the formation on their sputtering turboramscramfanjets.
Aboard the Nkwey
Luthuli, captain of the
Nkwey, observed the antiquated fighters sent to escort her ship and felt something between pity and hilarity. And, upon hearing their use English she felt something like scorn as she let her autotranslators scramble to decipher what had been said by the captains of the Feelipeeno vessels. A thought suddenly hit her.
“Kuna, didn’t Shroomarcos purchase some frigvettes from the Centrality?”
“Possibly. I honestly forgot whether they did or not. It is irrelevant anyway, as he’s such a rat bastard that he’d gladly snivel at your feet and try to stab you once you turned around. That’s why I’m here to negotiate; humans are prey, and I’m a predator, madam. He might try to betray us, but in that little part of his brain still hopping from tree to tree, he recognizes something in me: a large predator that will happily strip the flesh off his bones. Humans, for all their technology, are still those little lemurs hopping in the forest. They huddle in fear in the trees when the sun sets, while we hunt for our dinner then. Ferdinand might beg Shepistan for help, but he’ll always have it in his head that I’ll always be stalking him in the jungles, concrete and otherwise.”
The pilot called back to Luthuli and told her that they were pulling into the bay and would be docking momentarily.
“Kuna, shouldn’t you being to ready yourself for your meeting?” Luthuli asked.
“Soon. They’re trying to muster some sort of force to try and show us that they do no fear us, so we shall show them a minor disrespect and get them a bit angry. They’ll make mistakes. Shroomarcos will do something stupid. Let me handle this, madam captain.”
Kuna chirped in pleasure while she went back to her quarters to assemble herself for a meeting.
“Don’t forget to get some body guards ready. Preferably kipaktli in full power armor.”
Maynilad
Malacañ’tang Palace was the the official residence and principal workplace of the President of the Feelipeens. The house was built in 2750 in Españard Colonial style. It has been the residence of every Feelipeeni head since Emilia Aguinalda. During the Shepistanimerican period, the Governor-Generals built an executive building, the Killayaan Hall, which was later transformed into a museum.
Though Shroomarcos lived in his very own residence, the mountaintop fortress fashioned in the image of his own face, Mount Marcos, for protocol and tradition’s sake he did many of his civic duties in Malacañ’tang. Like receiving guests. Right now, he was sitting on the veranda of the Palace’s garden, sipping on some coconut juice.
“Sir,” an aide-goon, with a Puzi subgun slung across his chest, approached him. “Do you want some more
buko?”
“No! I don’t want any more fucking coconut juice!” Shroomarcos spat, literally, sending coconut juice and spittle flying at the face of his goon. He threw the coconut shell at him for good measure. “What the hell is taking those goddamn lizards so long? Are they dragging their tails? Jesus!”
“I... I don’t know,” the goon stammered.
“Of course you don’t. You’re an idiot. Fuck those scaly shits, I should have them turned into leather shoes for Imelda,” Shroomarcos got off his lawn chair and snapped his fingers. Aides and servants came over to clean up the mess he made. “They think they can come in here and scare me with their shitty ships? Huh? And now they want to play the waiting game, and make me stay out here in the fucking sun? It’s hot, don’t they know that? They probably do, and that’s why they’re doing it! So fuck them! I try to set up a meeting out here, in a nice garden, with all the birds and the bees and the trees, so those overgrown brontosauruses won’t have to bend their necks under the ceiling, so they can just stick their heads up to the tree tops and eat some grass. But no! They want to screw with me, with Ferdinand Shroomarcos. But they don’t know, they don’t know that if they screw with me, they’re screwing with the best, asshole!”
“They picked the wrong asshole to screw with,” the aide-goon nodded.
“Damn right, motherfucker!” Shroomarcos spat. Then, upon realizing that the goon just called him an asshole, he snapped his fingers. Two more goons came and dragged the first goon away. He overheard the sound of screams, and then a very loud bang, and no more screams. Shroomarcos laughed. Nobody screwed with
his asshole. It read ‘exit only’. “We’re gonna move the meeting indoors. Pick the room with the lowest damn ceiling. I want those frickin’ geckos bowing their heads to pray to me,
capiche?”
Finally the NenAltKik ambassador arrived. She was a huge beast, a one-ton reptilian killing machine. At first, Shroomarcos was worried, being in the same room with such a dangerous creature. But he reminded himself that he had encountered far more deadly monsters in his time, like General Sheppard, Governator Ronald von Reagan and that other asshole who hung out in that asteroid base. So he relaxed a little and took solace in the fact that the kipakt could barely fit into the room, with her head scraping under the ceiling and causing the paint to chip off, and her knees bent just so she could fit inside. He offered her a seat, but when she sat down the chair broke. He apologized for it, trying to sound as convincingly sincere as he could, and said that they had no chair that could bear her weight, so she had to sit on the floor.
“Welcome to the Feelipeens, Ambassador.
Mabuhay. I hope your trip went well. Nice ship, by the way.” Shroomarcos said and gave her his warmest, fakest and most insincerest smile. Ever.
Since this was a private meeting, between him and her alone, their respective bodyguards stayed outside. Shroomarcos’ goons were quite nervous, standing around with a bunch of power armored dinosaurs, but the kipakt were also confused when a bunch of hotrod red Shepeterbilt trucks parked themselves nearby, ruining Malacañ’tang Palace’s pristine gardens by turning it into a miniature truckstop. While there was a tense face off between the mustachioed Puzi-brandishing goons, the giant dinosaurs, and machines that were more than met the eye, deep inside Malacañ’tang, an even more epic confrontation was beginning.
Kuna shifted, her claws gouging ruts into the expensive wooden floors, her tail swaying about, knocking several priceless pieces of porcelain down. Shroomarcos winced.
“President, sitting is rather uncomfortable in this position, I’d much rather stand.”
Upon standing, she lowered her neck so as not to scrape the ceiling.
The result did not look nearly enough like she was praying to him, as Shroomarcos had hoped.
Sweet Jesus Mother of God! Shroomarcos nearly crapped his pants, but his acting skills gave no hint of that fact. His prostates were swelling to the size of cats from the stress, but he controlled himself, no matter how uncomfortable he got.
“So,” he cleared his throat and leaned back on his seat, to lessen the pressure on his lymph nodes. “What brings you to my fair country?”
As he waited for a response, he fiddled with a dial on the arm of his chair. It controlled the temperature settings of his seat, cooling it and giving the effect of rubbing ice on his swollen parts.
“Mr. President, I am here because the NenAltKik is interested in a mutually beneficial relationship with the Feelipeens. For too long, the NenAltKik has not paid adequate attention to you, our neighbors. So, we wish to extend a hand in friendship and engage in more open economic relationships and possibly some military aid,” she said, extending her own giant claw in friendship, her mouth approximating a human smile; the effect was decidedly not comforting.
“Trade is good!” Shroomarcos said, a little bit too loudly. “The Feelipeens is bountiful in natural resources, and we are always looking for foreign investments. Yes.”
If that was all these overgrown leather bags came for, then good. They could sell chickens to these damn reptilians. Shroomarcos remembered how they fed chickens to the crocodiles in the zoo, so he thought the kipakt probably liked chickens too. Since she was an overgrown crocodile, maybe she wanted an overgrown chicken. Shroomarcos wondered where he could find an overgrown chicken. He knew there were Arcturan Megaturkeys. But chickens? Who knew?
But the lizards weren’t here just for the chickens, no. They brought their warship in high orbit, did some gunboat diplomacy, and now the kipakt laid it bare.
“What kind of military aid are we talking about?” Shroomarcos asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Well, we’re currently upgrading our infantry weapons; greater power, larger magazines, and all that sort of thing. So, that means we’re going to have hundreds of millions of excess weapons that do us little good. So, with a little refurbishing for a modest fee, we could give these weapons to the Feelipeeno armed forces. Now, some of these weapons are kipakt weapons, and thus are useless for humans, as you’re too weak and puny to lift a 300 kg autogun, but we can modify them for vehicle mounts. Perhaps you could send us some jeepneys so we can premount them for you? We could also send you surplus missile defense systems or the like. Of course, we would want some
exclusivity, so any prior arms agreements should be terminated. As for trade, I already know several firms on Tlali that would like to expand into the Feelipeens and set up factories, ranches for brontosaurs, and perhaps even develop some ecotourism opportunities here. This, too, would require some give on your part; perhaps no tariffs on NenAltKik goods and raising tariffs on other nations goods and services, like, say, Shepistan? We can work out more details later, if this sounds agreeable to you,” Kuna said, leaning her head forward, that same smile creeping onto her face. Shroomarcos could smell that kipakt seldom brushed their teeth (though, he didn’t know that was because they regrew their teeth) and that she had very recently eaten something.
Get a breath mint, Shroomarcos said to her with his brain. He straightened and looked at the terrible lizard right in her slit-pupiled eyes. They were nowhere near as frightening as General Sheppard’s crazy-eyes.
“I am sorry, your excellency. But the Shepistanimericans have been great allies to the Feelipeens and it simply wouldn’t do for us to just leave them out in the dust like that. The Shepistan-Feelipeeni relationship is a special one, they helped us fight for our freedom against the Españards and the Japanistanis, they saved us from the Amplitur craboids. They gave us the democracy our nation so enjoys right now. We do not abandon our friends, that is not the Feelipeeni way.” Shroomarcos held his head up high and looked straight at the dinosaurian, in obvious defiance. It took a lot more than bad breath to scare a man brave enough to let a ruthless genocidal warmonger vomit all over his wife’s pretty dress.
That didn’t mean the sight of the huge allosaurian-ambassador wasn’t horrifying to Shroomarcos, because it was. So to calm himself down, he just imagined the enormous kipakt vomiting on Imelda, and visualized the flood of puke sweeping the hag and all her shoes away. Shroomarcos’ posture relaxed and he smiled visibly at the thought. “But that certainly doesn’t preclude the Feelipeens from having excellent social, economic and cultural relations with the Union State of the Four Stars. Why, despite their differences, both Shepistan and Umeria do good business here. The Umerians are building a Space Bridge, and yet it is mass drivers are powered by a Shepistani General Atomics reactor, because the Feelipeens is a land of peace, friendship and cooperation. We Feelipeenis pride ourselves for our hospitality to all visitors and guests, madam ambassador. Certainly, we can come to an agreement that will be beneficial to all. The things you proposed are wonderful, an excellent opportunity for both our nations, and Feelipeens is a fertile place to plant your foreign investments, like no other place in the galaxy. You won’t find any of those pesky environmental regulations for introduced species here, not like in those other nations, no siree. You can have your brontosauruses roaming all over the countryside, eating all the stray dogs and cats, and then we can chop them and serve them for food along with the dogs and cats for side dishes with some balut for dessert too, and no one would bat an eyelid... or a nictatating membrane.”
Shroomarcos leaned back on his seat. The cold-cushion was certainly doing its job on his lymph nodes. He could feel the coldness constricting the blood vessels in his scrotum, causing the swelling to go down.
Ah yeah, that’s the stuff.
“Ah, it is good that we can come closer to an agreement. We can work out the particulars shortly, while I get in touch with the government about specifics that should be worked out. In the meantime, while the transmission goes out and we await a response, might we have something to eat? I am absolutely
starving and would really like to get my jaws into something.”
Before Shroomarcos could even respond, she idly cocked her head in thought and voiced her thoughts. “Perhaps a carabao calf or two. Live, of course. Maybe a side dish of a few geese. Just too many decisions to make when trying foreign cuisine.”
Shroomarcos merely nodded at this and clapped his hands. After a minute, one of the side-doors opened and in came a live carabao adorned with herbs and spices.
Child not included.
“I’m sorry, we have a shortage of geese at the moment,” Shroomarcos apologized. “Apparently due to the Tianguonese chicken flu, all our local chickens were exterminated. So the local cockfighters had to use geese for the next game.”
“That is not a problem,” Kuna replied as she suddenly bent down and sank her fangs into the stricken carabao. Right there in front of him, Shroomarcos watched the water buffalo howl in pain and flail desperately as the NenAltKik ambassador devoured it. She jerked her head, dismembering the carabao’s head, which flew into the air and landed right beside Shroomarcos’ chair. With the buffalo very dead, it became very quiet, save for the sound of the ambassador’s mastications as she chewed on a hind leg and crushed its bones with her fangs. “The seasoning is quite exquisite, Mr. President. Care to try some?”
“No, thank you. I just had breakfast.”
And I think I’m gonna to puke it out. Shroomarcos smiled nervously. He sank in his seat, relaxing as his lymph nodes finally deflated. “Bon appetit.”
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