FUN conference
"I say! Ah ah I say!" said Ben Dover the Shroomish Ambassador at large, "I've gathered you here since I think that we should be able to work something out here! Between the two, ah, three, ah, four of us..." He nodded, making all three of his chins wobble, then he sipped some more water, or whatever the clear fluid in his glass was.
"I would certainly hope so Excellency," the Astarian Ambassador Alexander de Montre-Narang said, smiling, and subtly checking the mirror to see that his eyeliner wasn't running.
"An agreement on issues of mutual importance," said Lucius Montanus, the Sirnothi ambassador, not as young and handsome as Alex, but not as decadent as Ben Dover.
Then there was the Pezookian Foreign Minister, Mateusz Buczynski, who wondered if he was the only sane one among them. Perhaps unfairly though, he'd grant that, but every time he gave them the benefit of the doubt, "Gentlemen, if you'll forgive me for cutting to the quit, what is the purpose of this meeting?"
"To resolve our mutual issues, and to, to," Ben Dover waved his big glass around, "To solve the problems between Astaria and, and, her fellow nations!" Now he rose, and took a dignified pose, "Aaaaaand! You Sir! You come from a nation that carry some imports for commies! I mean importance for the Crimson Star Republic!"
"I see, so you want my government to ask the CSR to, ah, stop their vendetta?" Mateusz Buczynski asked.
"Among other things," Alex said, smiling widely as he played with his cane, "Among other things me sadiqs, but let's off the kif-kif, and bottom out the arrak, eh?"
"Capital idea!" Ben Dover said, and downed his glass.
"I'm sure I would have agreed if that was in English," Mateusz Buczynski said.
"Let's get down to business," Alex said exaggeratedly slowly.
"And what is business then?" Lucius Montanus asked.
"That my government has decided that it is time to leave our self-imposed isolation," Alex began, here he stopped as several of the other ambassadors snickered and snorted, "As I said, it is time to leave our
self-imposed isolation, and rejoin the greater world community."
"Wonderful, wonderful!" Ben Dover called, then to a waiter he added, "More of my special mineral water."
"Yes Excellence, your very special mineral water," the waiter said, and bowed politely.
"Doctor you see," Ben Dover said apologetically.
"Of course," Mateusz Buczynski said, and smiled, like you would when you're in the company of lunatics, "So rejoining the world community are we?"
"Yes, for the sake of international peace the Free Republic of Astaria realises that it is necessary to engage the outside world," Alex said, then he took a deep sip from his glass if milk, "And therefore we hope for the support of FUN, and FUN affiliated states."
"You want to sue for peace?"
"Of course not!" Alex said, then he added, "And there's no declared war anyway so how can there be peace?"
"Ah I see, do you want us to talk to the CSR?"
"I cannot make any requests or statements in regards to the CSR, at this time anyway."
"Then why am I here?"
"Ah! You see, we have decided that the best way to rejoin the world community is to engage a neutral alliance like FUN, and to do so we seek to establish closer relations with the nations of fun."
Ben Dover wobbled, "That could be complicated, yes, complicated."
"I see, worried about the CSR?" Alex asked.
"Oh yes, very worried, their actions recently have been," Ben Dover hesitated, and gulped down some of the very special old perrier the waiter poured him, "Most dashedly disproportionate! I mean goodness me, the whole of FUN are quite worried. On the other hand you're a blight upon the face of the earth."
"And you were the most diplomatic fellow they could find to talk to us?" Alex asked, smiling politely.
"Why yes," Ben Dover also smiled, a big, happy smile, "That's me, always know how to choose my words right."
"We've abolished slavery you know, at least
de facto," Alex said.
"Yes, yes, quite so, but I..." Ben Dover shook his head, "I don't think any of your enemies give a damn whether you have slavery or not. I really don't. Thaaaat is a frightening thing you know, yes, and that is why I want to help you. Despite you being bastards and all."
Mateusz Buczynski fought to keep his mouth closed, otherwise his jaw would be on his knees by now; this wasn't the way diplomats talked! This was insane! Discreetly he pinched himself, but unfortunately he was still awake.
"I propose a treaty under which Astaria will have the protection she requires, and where FUN will help defend her independence as defined in said treaty. We will therefore bind ourselves more closely to a single FUN nation, in order that trade and foreign policy may be conducted through them. Also such a link will make it clearer that attacking us will be an attack on our, ah," Alex stopped, "Patron state."
"Excuse me," Mateusz Buczynski said, "Did you say patron state?"
"I believe that is the correct term yes," Alex said, "My government proposes this treaty," he pushed a small bundle of paper across the table, "And we're willing to offer it to any of your nations."
As they read each of the three other ambassadors had a slightly different reaction, Ben Dover's eyes went big and wide, and his mouth opened and shut like a stranded fish. Indeed his skin tone passed through several shades of red. Meanwhile Lucius Montanus' eyebrow rose ever so slightly. This time Mateusz Buczynski's mouth did fall open, only a little mind, but as he read the treaty he started to question his own sanity, or at least his English comprehension skills.
"I see the world is progressing," Mateusz Buczynski said at last, "In the old days you'd have to march your armies to a country's capital to impose terms like this."
"My government felt it was best to be... generous," Alex said, "Given circumstances and all."
"Oh yes, quite, quite, most generous," Ben Dover said, "I believe a recess is in order, to communicate these terms to our governments!"
*** *** *** *** ***
Perry Black thought it was more rum than Captain Morgan's, and that was saying something. Throughout the FUN conference the Astarian representative, there for the first time, had been very quiet. In fact Ambassador Alexander de Montre-Narang, Alex for short, had done little but push his bowler around, and drink milk. Milk of all things! You'd expect an ambassador to drink something stronger than that!
So he'd done what any good journalist would, he'd sent his assistant, his nineteen year old, doe eyed, and blonde haired assistant, over to chat up the Astarians. Now two days later Louis Blaine returned, with tussled hair, and tears running down his cheeks.
"What happened?" Perry asked, suddenly worried, "Did they figure out you were a reporter?"
"N-no," Louis Blaine couldn't meet Perry's eyes, "They... got me a little drunk, and said they wanted to do something fun, and... it seemed innocent at the time but... they spitroasted me!"
"Who!?"
"The Astarian and the Sirnothi ambassador."
"Excellent! This is wonderful!" Perry grinned, "You did get a scoop right?"
"I... afterwards I opened a briefcase and photographed the documents," Louis began to weep again, "They... violated me!"
"Oh who cares! Show me the documents!" Perry said impatiently, when he got the camera memory card he slipped it into his laptop, squinted a bit, and began to read the treaty. Slowly his eyes widened, "Damn!"
"FUN seems to support this too."
"The Astarians agreed to this voluntarily?"
"Weeeeeell... seems like only the Sirnothians would touch the treaty, even with all of that," Louis said, "But FUN will back them, or the Shrooms anyway."
"All right! The Evening Planet will have this on the front page, or my name isn't Perry Black!"
*** *** *** *** ***
"Most magnificent!" Ben Dover said as he read the finished treaty, "What will you call it?"
Alex motioned at Ben Dover, "Well since you Sir was the one to gather us, I propose we call it the Ben Dover treaty!"
"How wonderful, I've always wanted something named for me," Ben Dover said.
"You deserve it," Lucius Montanus said, "I believe this treaty is a great step forward for Sirnoth, a great, great step forward." Then he seemed to remember something, "Oh yes and for Astaria too, of course."
"The Ben Dover Treaty," Mateusz Buczynski said, he shook his head, "For some reason that name is oddly appropriate."
"Your country could have taken the deal themselves," Lucius Montanus said.
"No, by the time I had convinced the people back home that I wasn't drunk, and that this wasn't the proposed CSR terms offered to Astaria, it was too late," Mateusz Buczynski said, "Beside we can't offer any security guarantees in regards to Velaria." Under his breath he added, "And we're not in the mood for new colonies." Not entirely appropriate for a diplomat, but when in the lunatic asylum...
"I fear Shroomania is not able, at this time, to, ah, accept the responsibilities of handling Astaria," Ben Dover said, "Beside we think you're a pack of prats."
"Let's sign this sucker then!" Lucius Montanus said.
"Yes, you seem like the only game in town right now," Alex said, as he picked up the pen and signed his name to the treaty.
THE BEN DOVER TREATY
1. Astaria agrees not to conduct foreign policy without prior consultation with Sirnoth.[1] With the exception of those parts of Velaria where the previous Friendship treaty acknowledged Astarian interests, and negotiations for the purchase of items covered under the second section.
2. Given the mutual desire to promote trade and development the two nations shall have free trade with certain restrictions as specified.[2] However Astaria commits itself to giving Sirnoth preferential treatment in all fields,[3] with the exception of purchases of weapons systems, seed crops, and equipment to counter biowarfare.[4] This does not apply to the Astarian zone of interest in Velaria, where Astaria may conduct trade as it pleases.
3. Seeing the various threats to mutual security Sirnoth and Astaria will set up a committee to exchange technology and intelligence.[5]
4. In light of sections 2 & 3, and given the evident need for security, Astaria shall be permitted to purchase and license produce late generation Sirnothi military equipment.[6]
5. The two nations agree that any attack upon one party shall be regarded as an attack upon both. This shall include attacks upon any of the two powers holdings in Velaria.[7]
6. Should such an attack occur Sirnoth will co-ordinate the overall defensive effort, without prejudicing the defence of any part of Astaria or her holdings and interests in South Velaria.[8]
7. To enable the two nations to carry out such mutual defence they commit themselves to joint exercises. These exercises will be under the supervision of the Sirnothi government.[9]
8. To prevent the spread of communicable diseases the international slave trade is banished.[10]
9. No person currently resident in Astaria, nor their descendants, may be taken into chattel slavery, nor may they be placed in indenture without their consent or their government. All records pertaining to chattel slavery and indenture shall be public, so as to ensure the safety of foreigners in Astaria. [11]
[1] So you can rest assured that Astaria won't be stirring up trouble.
[2] E.g. Astaria is perfectly free to sell Sirnoth agricultural goods, livestock, lumber, semi-processed goods, and whatever industrial goods Sirnoth wants. Sirnoth meanwhile is perfectly free to sell Astaria anything they want.
[3] Unless foreign terms are seriously, seriously better (as in Sirnoth would have to be deliberately trying to screw Astaria), a Buy Sirnothi policy is instituted.
[4] Since many of my weapon systems aren't compatible with Sirnoth's items, and cannot be quickly replaced. I don't suppose I need to explain the need for anti-biowarfare efforts.
[5] Something like the Joint Bureau between France and Britain in WWI. Also technology exchange will help make Astaria compatible with Sirnothi standards.
[6] Obviously not the very latest stuff, but the good stuff nevertheless.
[7] The current guerrilla warfare won't be considered war, in case you wonder.
[8] Can't strip Astarias defences bare.
[9] Think of it as an "Okay okay, we'll do what you say, but please stop these guys!" clause.
[10] Bans the slave trade, period, no caveats. The bit about communicable disease is basically there for domestic Astarian consumption. Slavery itself is already abolished, and the last indentured servants will be free in 2020, if not bought free earlier by abolitionists.
[11] Re-iterating Astarian anti-slavery laws, including it in the treaty supposedly as a protection for visiting foreigners.
RESULTS: Astaria becomes a Sirnothi, uhm, ally (for certain values of ally), and FUN comes in to play as well. As peacemakers and all that gay stuff.
- PeZook
