Previously, in the saga of the Elysians...
Ptilinopiclesius smiled. "Wisely spoken, young one. We will take this as a mission from the gods! Aye! A ten year mission! To seek out new life, and new barbarians! To go boldly, where no trireme has gone before!
ELYSIANS VIII: THE WRATH OF NEPTRIDON!
Elysian Hero-Trireme Far-Go
Aimlessly Roaming the Void*
Round About the Middle of 4154 AUC**
*Sector ?-??
**GODDAMN UNREAL TIME
Truly did all among the mighty star-company of the great trireme
Far-Go REGRET their impiety and the incurred wrath of the spacegod Neptridon. Aye, for a long year already had they wandered the cosmos, knowing not the way toward home.
They had encountered sorcerors and pirates, madmen and hypersanities, barbalien savages and gleaming citadel-worlds. They had fought, traded, and at all times preserved an upright state of readiness, as was fitting for hero-warriors of fair Elysium. But aye, were the heroes weary, longing for some safe haven in which to bring their journeys to a brief pause. They had once harbored hopes of striking through the lands of the glaring, three-eyed enigmas of the far northisouth, and thence to fabled Solaria, where it is said that invincible HERACULES once conquered that realm with one and a half hands tied behind his back. They had even contemplated traveling through the brightly-drawn stars driven by the ANIMUS of enigmatic oriental empires, where steel giants battle across the stars and oddly dressed schoolgirls display phenomenal thaumaturgic might, even knowing that their noble galley might somehow find itself TRANSFORMED into unrecognizable JUNK amid such strange artistry!
But it was not to be. The currents of space did blocked them at every turn, and not even with every man upon the oars could they find a way through. Truly, was the hand of NEPTRIDON raised against them. They cried out loudly at their fate, and made countless sacrifices of beasts that might please the god, but to no avail.
And so they turned to the only choice remaining them, to chart these strange and little-known sectors, far out on the rim of civilized and uncivilized space, in hopes of a way forth from their becalmitude. Days passed. Weeks passed. Many moons passed- and with great speed, as the hero-band did ROW away from them.
After an indefinite but dull-edged time, which did cut upon the nerves of the mighty astrogonauts like unto the very saw of Procrustules, Adonemo the fair-visaged spoke. "We could... stop and ask for directions?"
From across the deck, the indomitable overgeneral STRONGGO did bellow forth his iratitude. "WHAT IS THIS FOLLY?"
At this did Adonemo flinch, as who would not? "...Sorry?"
And yea, then did Astrometrius the navigator, ink-bestained and scholarly-bebearded, chuckle. "Nay, young Adonemo, for we know
exactly where we are. We just know not where we need to be. Give it time, and fear not."
Some days passed. Twice did the hero-astrogonauts stop at minor planetoids to refill their water-casks, remembering well their misadventures amid the barren stars of Chiron, and in the desert constellations of Klavostarabia, where the starcamel caravans roam the nine vectors, guarded and warded by the innumerable silver-chased warvessels of that oriental race. Once did they stop to hunt among the beasts of a jungle world, doing battle with ferocious jeopards and moostrosities for the most excellent of steaks.
It was... not so bad.
Still more moons passed. Some twelve hours later, behold wise Astrometrius, peering into the dark nebulae and shading his eyes from the baleful glare of a passing red giant. Then did he shout in joy, tossing his caliproids up and catching it on its downward fall!
"Two points right, half a point upward and into the nebula. The cosmic winds are favorable!"
Then did STRONGGO, dauntless conqueror of worlds, laugh mightily. "AT LAST! SOON YOU MAY CEASE YOUR ROWING, MEN! ONWARD! RIG THE SAIL!"
Swiftly did the hero-sailors of the cosmos traverse the megaleagues! Eagerly did they rig the trireme's mighty sail! And soon,
soon could the mighty but weary men of the great company rest their strainéd shoulders, locking their oars in a stowed manner and permitting the cosmic winds to propel them toward their unknown destination. Onward, into the wild black yonder! Onward, past the rubeous midget-suns and frozen cometoids! Onward, to GLORY!
But then were all their plans set to naught by the malice and wrathful nature of NEPTRIDON, lord of the interstellar seas and the beasts of the deepspaces. And then did Stentor, loudest of the Elysians, bellow from the crow's nest:
"SPACEQUAAAKE!"
Elysian Hero-Trireme Far-Go
Shaken About the Cosmic All*
Lost in Time**
*Sector OMG-WTF-BBQ
**GODDAMN SURREAL TIME
The titanomachian-throated herald leapt the many fathoms from his perch atop the mast, plummeting towards the deck below, slowed only by his grip on the great cables holding the hypersail in place. All among the Elysians did then make to brace themselves against the inharmonious cacophony of the spheres, clinging to stanchions, staunchions, tompions, and truncheons, to lines, curves, planes, and vertices, and even forming human chains.
The spacequake struck. But it did not smite the hero-astrogonauts of Elysium alone. Nay! The terrible disaster did land with terrible, galaxy-rending force upon all the known and unknown worlds! The entirety of the metacosmic all did BLUR under the dreadful blow. Whole barbalien quasi-civilizations perished in that instant, and were forgotten, while others were called into being through forces and from octants unknown and unfathomable. Great empires shifted their lands between one eyeblink and the next. Vast constellations many scores of megamegaleagues across did EVAPORATE, vanishing into the all-devouring ether as though they had never existed.
Aye, and in the moment of greatest strangeness and unreality, when even the mighty-thewed champions of Elysian exploratorianism did tremble in fear, knowing not what forces had been unleashed upon reality itself, then came a terrible crack! For at that very moment was the great hero-trireme
Far-Go DISMASTED! The blasts and buffets of the trans-solar wind reaved the great vessel's hypersail away, carrying with it the mighty mast from which it had flown, to vanish in quadrants unknown and unknowable!
But even the dreaded starquake, which makes at once every-thing and no-thing possible, must ultimately come to an end. And so it was that the Elysians heaved themselves erect from where they had been flung across the decks. Great was their dismay, for no few of their comrades had been swept overboard, never to be seen again!
Aye, then did they lose Pyrophilus the Disturbing, master of all things inflammable, he who had fought so bravely and toastily in the deepest darkness of the dread star-kraken. In those deeps lay the unmarkable grave of Beroculonites, retainer and shield-bearer to Ajaxalon the Greater, prince of Cosanostria. There did the terrible all-shattering bring an end to that red-bladed and red-eyed warrior, the only other living man that the mighty prince did trust to carry his wall-like bullshield when battle drew near.
All looked about. All counted their own limbs, to be assured that they were all attached and that the terrible metavortices had not turned them inside-out, or worse yet ROTATED them about some inconceivable axis, cursing them to never know their right hand from their left and to slow, agonizing starvation on even the heartiest of fare! All also counted their comrades, some removing sandals so as to count more accurately.
"WHERE IS CRISPUS? I DO NOT SEE HIM!" The hero-band looked around the battered deck. Had Crispus, the boring son of Petrus been slain as well? Truly would his loss be regretted by any company of warriors, for all honored his unmemorable yet worthy part in their adventures, clad in his brilliant crimson tunic.
"Alas, poor Crispus, we barely knew ye..."
"He helped me sharpen a ridiculous number of swords once..."
"When I was wounded, he bore me on his back from the innards of the baleful kraken, which we slew..."
But when all feared him lost, then did the boring son of Petrus utter the most mundane and mortal words.
"Uh, help?"
Aye, then did STRONGGO son of Ironbeef silence the crew's reverie. "HE IS ALIVE!" Witness the heroes making haste to the rail of the covered ship, there to HAUL their comrade back aboard, from the line to which he had clung so fiercely!
After all had gathered around, parties roamed the hold and vacuum-bilges, examining their ship for damages and struggling to repair them, a call came, from hard by the steering-oar.
"The stars! The stars are wrong!"
Astrometrius called from the prow, in the chart-house of the covered ship. "My sextant, it has been swept overboard!"
STRONGGO, indomitable and iron-headed overgeneral, silenced the ranks ere they could grow fearful. "SILENCE! ASTROMETRIUS, WHAT IS HAPPENING?"
"Something strange has happened to the constellations, and I have lost some of my instruments. We may have been swept still deeper into uncharted space by the starquake. It will be difficult, but with the aid of the cabin boys I may be able to deduce our location regardless."
"GOOD! OARSMEN, CARPENTRONICIANS, LET US BEGIN REPAIRS!"
All men busied themselves about their tasks. Some time passed.
Behold upon the bow of the covered ship, where the navigator did STRUGGLE to learn unto what continuum the mighty spacequake had flung them! Behold, for lo, Phylonctetes the turbo-archer, slayer of battletanks, robber of the rich and giver unto his vassals, did scan the heavens with his keen eyes as well, seeking that which Astrometrius beheld through his spyglass! He peered in the direction where the mighty constellation of the hunter ought to be. Had another wave of barbalien attack ships gone forth to horrible on-fire deaths, dueling the baleful GUARDIAN which lurks at the ankle of Orion and slays all who come near with death ray and plasma torpedo? Had the great stargiant BUGJUICE at last exploded?
Phylonctetes could not tell, for he saw no sign of that constellation. He peered at the scholarly-bearded one, the beloved of Mathenerva.
"What do you see, suspiciously clever one?"
Astrometrius scratched his beard. "I cannot find Orion's belt..."
"What holds up his trousers, then?"
"I know not.."
"Truly it is an ill moon. But I must know something."
"Aye?"
"The stars are most displaced. I do not think... I do not think it is simply that we have moved, Astrometrius. I think some of the stars we knew are...
gone."
Astrometrius set down his spyglass, and shooed away the measuring and note-taking cabin-boys. Low-voiced did he reply. "It is possible. And yet other things may have taken their places. I see nebulae the like of which I have never yet seen, and the techno-oraculary detectulators record strange chants, the likes of which I have never yet heard."
"What... what if the constellations of fair Elysium have been erased from the Cosmos as well?"
Seeing the bowman's dismay, Astrometrius did CLAP him on the shoulder, drawn from his confuséd and contemplative reverie into the rightful province of ACTION! "The gods would not allow such a thing. There is no time to think about this! We must find a world and hew lumber, to repair our ship. Quickly, let us go to General Stronggo!"
Elysian Hero-Trireme Far-Go
Dismasted and Adrift*
Lost Beyond All Calendars**
*Sector U-21
**Early January, 3300 AD
"Splice those oars! We are short!"
"Go below! Check that the amphorae are unruptured!"
"Physician! Come here, this man was in the armory when the spears shook loose!"
Mightily did the Elysians labor, to preserve the lives of men and of vessel! Heroically did men dangle upon long lines in the void, examinizing the planks of the trireme's hull and the great cords that bound together its multiplex tensegrity! Lovingly was the ship's figurehead checked for damages! But after only a small fragment of time, their labors were INTERRUPTED by the arrival of foreigners, even as the ill-timed annoyingweed outbreak interrupts the ceremonial dances of the sponge-eating pygmies of Goxar II!
"A flame, yonder! From out of the very heart of the Way of Milk!"
"MAN THE ROCKETBALLISTAS! ASTROMETRIUS! PHYLONCTETES! TO ME!"
So did the mighty lieutenant-champions rush to their captain's side, to peer off into the void! Then did Astrometrius retrieve his cunningly worked instruments of brass and transparency, while the great general did SQUINT in a manly fashion.
"Hmm. I believe I know where this passing vessel lies. Mark you construction like unto a myriad of boxes of steel, all joined in uncompromising and brutalist ways?
"AYE!"
"And mark you that bluish glow about their engines? The obligatory racks of ammunition, in which these men carry their copious frakflak and hydrotomic cannon, even upon a vessel which is plainly meant for mercantile trade, the carriage of bolts of whatnotteries and amphorae of goods unknown?"
"AYE!"
Ajaxalon the Greater, passing by, grunted as was his way. "Perhaps they hail from... Ursa Major..."
"Nay, this vessel is too friendly unto nature-spirits to belong to the dread starbears. But not by much, so it must be-"
"THE SHEEP-SQUEEZERS!" And the hero-company was made GLAD at this revelation, for here was a familiar race, barbarians of a valiant and warlike breed known to civilization! Truly this must be a ship of those master geometers and nukophiles of the West, archnemeses of all sorcery and oracles, the smiters of craboids, of geese and of toasters, they who dwell in the fallen-out worlds beyond the technomages of Sumeria, locked with the weedy and bespectacled scholars of that realm in eternal staring match.
"FERRICLES, RIG THE ANTENNA! HAIL THE SHEEP-SQUEEZERS!"
Aye, then did master-craftsman Ferricles, uber-smith of Metallia and headbutter of minotaurian mutoids, begin to reassemble the great communicators of the hero-trireme, jury-rigging with balks of lumber to replace the precious MAST with which normal starfarers would bespeak each other across the vasty etheric depths!
Shepistani Merchant Vessel Frakoffavich
Sector U-21
January 3300
Ellicott, master of the Sheep-Squeezer vessel, did squint in commendable fashion and uncommendable paranoia at the ink-bestained arch-calculator, Astrometrius. "You some kind of Hellenes?"
"Who are these 'Hellenes' of which you speak?"
"Whatever. What do you want, anyway?"
The great astrogator frowned and stroked his beard. "Have you instruments of navigation? We are lost and without direction."
"...Wait, what? Don't you have SPS?"
"What is this of which you speak?"
"Spatial Positioning System." From elsewhere on the bridge of the foreign argosy could be heard the voice of an otherworldly woman, trapped in some strange spirit-box: "Steer left. Go straight. Steer left. Look for pulsar on the right," but Astrometrius regarded not its heathen and sirenious callings, instead answering the barbarian's query.
"Oh, aye, I have the same system as any other member of the Guild of Navigators. First, I identify bright stars, finding their spectra in consultation with the kerscratchéd glass and chartmapograph. Then, I measure angularity... or would, had I a sextant."
The foreigner muttered, no doubt fearing the influence of evil spirits: "Some kind of commienist bullshit... wait, what? Sextant? That's all you want?"
"You have one to spare?" At this the wise scholar-warrior, beloved of Mathenerva, found his hopes once more RISING.
"Yeah. Here!"
Is it not glourious?
"That crap's been cluttering up my quarters ever since the academy. Never got around to selling it on Shepbay. What'll you give me for it?"
"Hmmms. Would barter be acceptable to you?"
"Depends. What you got?"
The navigator was somber at this, his eyes hooded in memory as he recalled the many things lashed in the trireme's holds. "Perhaps... I can speak for the shield of my distant kinsman, Cadmokos, who perished in the storm. It is of no small value, being forged on the world of Metallia of the purest kabongium."
"A...
shield?"
"It is no ordinary shield. Like unto the one I bear upon my back." And at this did Astrometrius unfasten the clasps holding his own shield in place, for he was fighter as well as thinker, and it would never be THOUGHT than an Elysian would FIGHT the noble impulse to bear his arms among foreigners. Nor would the Sheep-Squeezers oppose this, for it is even as unthinkable to them that a free man might be deprived his right to BEAR ARMS!
Er... something like that...
"Test your own weapon against it. I offer you its twin for your sextant, it is only fitting that I prove my words with the test of mettle, and of metal!"
At this did Astrometrius RAISE his shield, and the foreign captain was struck with confusion! "Being as this is a .44 Bragnum, the most powerful handgun in a shitload of worlds, and would blow your head clean off..."
The beloved of MATHENERVA beamed with a mighty Athenian grin. "Try me, for I am feeling lucky."
"Your funeral."
'BLAM!' went the chem-weapon! And of course, true to its nature and forging did the shield of Astrometrius make a mighty and bell-throated 'KABONG!'
"See?"
"WHORESHITS, MY FRAKKING EARS!"
"Told you."
"TAKE THAT THING AND SHOVE IT!"
"Nay, so you will not take it in trade for the sextant?"
"FRAK YOU YOU FRAKTARDED FRAKKER OF FRAKKABLE FRAKKERY!"
"...Perhaps you would instead, hm, ah the very thing! Would you then accept this bar of gold?" At this did Astrometrius offer up a share of his own war-booty, obtained after battle with the valiant but savage greenskins. For aye, in that great action did the arch-navigator cunningly hurl a clanking, clonking, ten-geared warrior of Morkdor over his hip with a cunning WRESTLING maneuver, then smite the very engines of the barbalien's armor from behind, disabling the brute. In honor of the victory had Manius the athletic trainer and Crispus, boring son of Petrus melted down the greenskin's golden teeth into a solid ingot which the salt-bearded one had borne unto this very day!
"...Bar of gold?"
"Bar of gold, for the sextant. You understand?"
"RIGHT!"
And thus it was that Astrometrius did LOSE a battle-trophy, a passing inconvenience until such time as he could gain another, while WINNING with mighty DUH that which all the lives of the great hero-company did depend upon! For now it would again become possible for them to navigate and chart their progress in this unknown stretch of the universe, allowing survival and triumph!
But where would the damaged hero-ship go? And what would they do?
Harken to me again, gentle listeners, for these matters will be TACKLED in days to come, the next episode of the hero-company's saga!