The care and feeding of Humans

Majin Gojira · Post by **Majin Gojira** » 2005-10-03 08:16am

I think this thread belongs here, but it may be OT. Feel free to move it.

The scenario is simple on the surface, but I'm looking for more complex answers. The shorthand of it is that you are an Alien Xenobiologist who is tasked with gathering human specimens for exhibition in a Zoo. From where would you gather specimen? How would you display them? How many would you display? What would their encolsure be composed of and how big would it be? And most importantly: How would you keep them from having nervous breakdowns and keep them from going stir-crazy?

(And please don't link the 4 day British Experiment).

The Grim Squeaker · Post by **The Grim Squeaker** » 2005-10-03 08:31am

Just take a middle aged married man and woman and plonk them in their natural enviroment (an apartment), most traits would be better covered by holograms/movies of human history and important/defining personalitiies.

Molyneux · Post by **Molyneux** » 2005-10-03 10:01am

I really have to say that it'd be a good idea to grab a few gamer geeks and plop 'em down in a nice spacious room with a comfy couch and a dozen or so systems. They might have the technical skills to make escape attempts a serious possibility, but with that many games they'll never get around to actually trying it.

nickolay1 · Post by **nickolay1** » 2005-10-03 10:06am

It's not very likely, in my opinion, that the average gamer possesses such skills.

Molyneux · Post by **Molyneux** » 2005-10-03 10:54am

nickolay1 wrote:It's not very likely, in my opinion, that the average gamer possesses such skills.

Not the average gamer, no, but quite a few of the "elite" gamers are fairly skilled in electronics or other forms of engineering (I'm majoring in mechanical engineering, for example).

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2005-10-03 11:05am

Make thirty or forty domed interconnected areas, each at least as large as you would use for a large animal exhibit in a zoo. Divide each area into a small park and a dwelling with running water and waste disposal facilities, and provide food by dropping it through a chute from the artificial sky. Put one family in each area, and have all the areas connect to a single huge uncovered park area in the centre. This way they will each have creature comforts and the opportunity for social interaction with others, along with enough genetic diversity to keep going for quite a while (multiple generations) and little realistic chance of escape.

One potentially useful experiment would be to order the parents (with some kind of nasty threat) to indoctrinate their children with a religion which glorifies the zookeepers as deities. It would be interesting to see how long it takes for this religion to take hold.

Guardsman Bass · Post by **Guardsman Bass** » 2005-10-03 12:46pm

Molyneux wrote:I really have to say that it'd be a good idea to grab a few gamer geeks and plop 'em down in a nice spacious room with a comfy couch and a dozen or so systems. They might have the technical skills to make escape attempts a serious possibility, but with that many games they'll never get around to actually trying it.

You would also need large amounts of sugary and fattening foodstuffs. Within a few weeks, not only would they be unwilling to leave, they would be unable to.

nickolay1 · Post by **nickolay1** » 2005-10-03 02:01pm

Darth Wong wrote:It would be interesting to see how long it takes for this religion to take hold.

Assuming a random sample of people taken from the earth to be exhibited, probably only a single generation.

Akhlut · Post by **Akhlut** » 2005-10-03 02:22pm

For the majority of humans, I'd kidnap young children if I were the xenobiologist doing this. Why? Because they wouldn't have much memory of the event and their prior, human experiences, thus making it a hell of a lot easier on me to prevent those damn monkeys from going stir-crazy. I'd have a few adults to teach language and raise the chillruns and the like, but beyond that, I'd keep Darth Wong's dome design, as that sounds like a pretty good idea to me.

I don't know if I'd go through with the zookeepers as gods religion, as that seems like it could potentially get messy. What if some of the humans start arguing about the zookeepers actually being, you know, zookeepers or something? What if they start murdering each other over religious schisms? Ugh, to hell with that. I'd prefer to just keep the humans busy with relativly silly but marginally difficult tasks so they don't start thinking too hard about philosophy or anything. You know, give 'em some tools and have them build a jungle gym or something. Maybe have some interactive with the visitors thing like at the Regenstein Center for Africa Apes at the Lincoln Park Zoo. The chimps have a panel in their exhibit that allows them to blast visitors with air. Maybe something like that, since I'm sure the kids and teens would get a kick out of startling these aliens looking through the glass. Also, maybe include small pets with the humans so they have some animal company, which most people like. Maybe mention it to the visitors that it's part of the humans' natural habitat or something.

Akhlut · Post by **Akhlut** » 2005-10-03 02:25pm

Damn you, lack of editing! But, I just thought of something to include with the humans: LEGO blocks. Just keep an eye on them at all times so the young children don't choke to death on the damn things. Maybe include some video games, too.

CoyoteNature · Post by **CoyoteNature** » 2005-10-03 03:17pm

Assuming you are a Xenobiologist and you want to study humans, its best to design it so they don't really notice the difference.

You'd possibly design it somewhat like we would design a modern zoo, with wider spaces, etc. excepts its humans sooooo....

Be best just to hire a few typical office drones for a corporate business job or government job. Make sure they are not to smart, just intelligent enough to file lots of paperwork and drive back and forth to their jobs.

Occasionally give them a disney world vacation, giving just enough reasonable facsimilie hotels along the way, put them out for the disney world mock up.

Once they're done with that they do through their lives, start to age, and then live out in retirement home playing golf.

Duckie · Post by **Duckie** » 2005-10-03 03:24pm

Darth Wong's dome idea, but no religion. Only zealous enforcement of precepts against harming others excessively from up high.

You know what would be interesting? Tell them they were picked for a colony experiment on another world and it's regrettable that the cryofreeze damaged their memory. Or even doctor it, if we have enough medical tech to go with our FTL-level science. See if you can fool them into thinking the aliens are the ones at the zoo- that way, nobody ever gets cabin fever. Let them queue the "colony manager" (Zookeeper) for some specific purposes, such as talking about space concerns or other human survival necessities.

Duckie · Post by **Duckie** » 2005-10-03 03:26pm

Let me rephrase that.

Ghetto Edit- See if you can fool them to think the aliens are the ones being observed. A "Hitchhiker's Guide Mice" mindfuck.

wolveraptor · Post by **wolveraptor** » 2005-10-03 05:54pm

With all this mega-tech, wouldn't it be easier to use Earth itself as a giant petri dish? You know, study them in their natural environment?

Trogdor · Post by **Trogdor** » 2005-10-03 06:08pm

nickolay1 wrote:
Darth Wong wrote:It would be interesting to see how long it takes for this religion to take hold.
Assuming a random sample of people taken from the earth to be exhibited, probably only a single generation.

That would be my guess, too. Especially since Lord Wong's scenario has the whole "mana from heaven" thing going, it shouldn't be hard to convince the offspring.

General Brock · Post by **General Brock** » 2005-10-04 01:59pm

Darth Wong wrote: ...One potentially useful experiment would be to order the parents (with some kind of nasty threat) to indoctrinate their children with a religion which glorifies the zookeepers as deities. It would be interesting to see how long it takes for this religion to take hold.

That's got to be in violation of some alien law against cruelty to animals....

Cykeisme · Post by **Cykeisme** » 2005-10-09 04:54pm

IS the objective to simply display live humans, or also have some them still display some of their behaviour?

I'm not even sure, myself, if this should include behaviour in modern society (which is nurtured). If it did, then something resembling multiple houses/apartments in a small artificial town would be in order.
If you just want to study what's natural, then I guess caves, plants and possibly small animals for hunting/gathering would be better.

Either way, I have a vague recollection of an epispode of Captain Planet where the Planeteers are taken on board an alien zoo ship as specimens.. anyone else recall that?

The Guid · Post by **The Guid** » 2005-10-09 06:20pm

I think it would depend more on what the aliens were like. If the aliens had no concept of lieing for example then pick a sample of hmans who would just lie to each other as that would be the attraction for the zoo. I go to the zoo and watch nature programs for things I can not do - monkeys jumping around, giraffes being big, elephants being massive, lions roaring etc.