I'm a hypocrite/have conflicted feelings

[Pu-239]

I hate reality. I like the religious delusion. Too bad you people have convinced me that god doesn't exist, so now I'm a churchgoing atheist and my parents don't know. Now I'm even more depressed.

Anyways I have this problem of agreeing with defenders of religion/christianity on this board, yet in real life I bash christianty. I also still have residual problems with associating the word gay with something negative and resenting and getting psycho when someone accuses me of being gay, even though there is nothing wrong with it.

[Ryoga]

Well, how recently have you deconverted?

It's a phase, methinks. I can't speak for everyone else, but I know when I first 'saw the light' I was in similar straits. As I recall, there was a point where I no longer believed God was the benevolent power he's portrayed as, but could still not ditch my lingering brainwashing...so I began to take to the idea that, if God did know all and see all, and let bad things happen, then anything bad that happened to me was His fault.

I grew out of that, though. You'll probably conquer your inner demons with time, too.

[Icehawk]

I can understand how you feel. I was never into religion that much but I had to deal with conflicting emotions and thoughts for awhile after my initial "awakening" into atheism. It may take a while but you will get over it trust me.

You just have to constantly remind yourself that logic, reason, and rationality are far better than the superstitious, irrational beliefs that make up religion. It can be depressing I know. But I would rather just face the truth instead of sugercoating my thoughts with religious dillusions just to make myself feel better or to hide from the vast chaotic mess that is the universe in which we live.

[DPDarkPrimus]

Bah, put up with it. When you move out, you're not obligated to go anymore.

[SWPIGWANG]

Think of it this way, the world is no more evil today then it was before.

[ArmorPierce]

Part of you wants to hold onto the belief of god but in reality you know that it doesn't exist. This is one of the main problems I have when I am arguing over the existence of god with Christians, afterwards I've destroyed their beliefs and they sank into the depths of depression. Most of the times it is deserved though, in which case it doesn't affect me.

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

For some Christians, when they stop believeing in God, they get all depressed. Some get over it, some become born-agains.

[Pu-239]

Well in any case I can't tell my parents since they are really zealous against "unbelievers". I will also probably be dependent on them for a long time while (I'm only in 10th grade). I also need to tone down the stuff I say about religion in general in RL.

[DPDarkPrimus]

Yeah, that's why the Internet is so cool. You can pander to the masses, and then vent your frustrations online. Take it from me.

[Priesto]

If you search for the truth long enough, you'll most certainly find it.You're young so I say keep searching.As a follwer of christ, I understand your feelings.But if you keep it from your parents, what will that profit you?From not having to experience something? If we are to grow, you're going to have to experience some things.I would think your parents would at least understand.

[Darth Wong]

If his parents are hardcore, they won't understand. They'll drag him to heavy religious indoctrination sessions and forbid him from using the Internet, where he gets all these crazy ideas like "you shouldn't believe in something if it makes no sense".

[Arthur_Tuxedo]

I never went through that, since my deconversion was oh-so-gradual. I went, over a period of 9 years, from Christian to Monotheist leaning toward Christian to Deist to Atheist. I started that journey when I was 10 and indocrinated by Baptists. Before that I had never confronted the god-question, believe it or not. My dad is an atheist who felt that someone's religion or lack thereof was none of his business, and my mom never went to church.

[Sokar]

Pu-239 = Don't despair or misguidely hate yourself for deciding to take a course divergent from your parents or what you believed before, a shift in faith is a HUGE deal no matter what age it happens. All these folks who are just going "BAH get over it" aren't thinking this all through. Your parents have their opinion , you are still developing yours, for now the best course I think , and this is just a suggestion , each of us must find our own path, is that you don't antagonize your believer parents , as changing the devout is nigh impossible. At the same time do not cease your own inquiries into the nature of the universe and what fits your life best. I imagine your folks wouldn't approve of your ceasing to attend church, so you might have to bear it for a while ( I know it feels like commiting a lie , but the peace at home may be worth the small sacrifice on Sunday's ) But you are nearly out of school and will then be attending college I'd imagine, at that time you'll have a golden opportunity to explore what fits your life free for the most part from parental supervision(I reccommend an out of state school, or one sufficiently far away to discourage frequent visits ) Just hold on and don't stop questioning the world around you, find what fits you best(not what your parents, classmates or friends 'think' will be best for you ) in your faith and life.

[Enforcer Talen]

Well, how recently have you deconverted?

It's a phase, methinks. I can't speak for everyone else, but I know when I first 'saw the light' I was in similar straits. As I recall, there was a point where I no longer believed God was the benevolent power he's portrayed as, but could still not ditch my lingering brainwashing...so I began to take to the idea that, if God did know all and see all, and let bad things happen, then anything bad that happened to me was His fault.

I grew out of that, though. You'll probably conquer your inner demons with time, too.

and what did you go to? Im skimming that now.

[Pu-239]

Thanks guys. I sort of gradually deconverted ever since reading Durandal's web site, although I have found many stupid things in Christianity before. I don't know. I'm still kind of in a state of undecided, leaning toward atheism, and trying to justify both to myself. A major problem is that I am not really good at holding on tight to my own beliefs. Then again most of those previous beliefs were stupid. I kind of want to keep my parents happy, hence the guilt. Lying is not a strong trait either. Logic tells me there is not a god, while emotions are still tied to previous indoctrination (I "feel" there is a god.) My sister is agnostic though, and my parents are ignorant of that, so... They are kind of intolerant, since asian society is kind of conservative (I might be stereotyping)

Again, thanks.

BTW, was Wong raised up as an atheist or simply deconverted?

[ArmorPierce]

Oh look, and I thought that Priesto was gone. I think that Wong was raised by athesit parents but I'm not sure, it's a bit hazy.

[Pu-239]

Another problem is that due to conservative, asian traditions, since I'm the only male child, I'm expected to essentially live with them and take care of them when they grow old, which is not a bad thing if you ignore...