Request for help, family problems

[Bob McDob]

I'd forgotten it for months, but my conscience finally resurfaced this morning, and I felt obligated to do something before it slipped away again.

The situation: I have a cousin, let's call her Linda. About two years ago she was involved in an auto accident and spent some time in the hospital. During that time, she was helped through recovery by a security guard friend of hers, at least that's what I'm told. Eventually, she became involved with him.

The problem, of course, is that fairy tales don't end there. It seems this guy isn't all shiny. I don't know if he started drinking or not, but the tales started getting darker and more abusive. At one point, she was choked by him until she lost consciousness.

Her parents tried to get involved, but they'de been involved her whole life and she naturally shrugged them off. Her boyfriend cut her off more and more, changing phone numbers and isolating her from virtually everyone. My mom, who worked in the local vital records department, confirmed that they got married soon after. I understand she bought her own ring.

So this is where the situation stands. There's one possible link to her - I think she may be employed at a certain Wal-Mart, but otherwise nothing. I really don't know what to do here - I barely know her, but hell, she's family and I feel obligated to do something here, at least to make sure things are fine.

Any ideas?

[Lagmonster]

If you have only the most tenuous of links to her, and she won't listen to her own family, there's little you can do. That doesn't make it good, and you're welcome to crusade away, but unless you can prove that he's being physically abusive...

Honestly, without knowing much of anything outside of heresay about the situation, you don't give us much to work with. If you had talked to her, seen the abuse or the results of it yourself, or something like that, we can certainly tell you which authorities to talk to and what counselling or support to reccommend to her.

[Stormbringer]

So this is where the situation stands. There's one possible link to her - I think she may be employed at a certain Wal-Mart, but otherwise nothing. I really don't know what to do here - I barely know her, but hell, she's family and I feel obligated to do something here, at least to make sure things are fine.

Any ideas?

She's made her choice and sadly she doesn't seem to be inclined to break it off with this guy. You can go on a crusade but in these situations that might not be the most advisable course of action. He could do something more to hurt her.

Really unless you can actually get her to break it off or can prove the abuse then there isn't much you can do. And even with the abuse she might well refuse to press charges. There isn't much you can do. If you are so inclined, pray for her. There isn't much you can do. It's her choice.

[kojikun]

Storm, kind of makes you wonder how she can be allowed to make these kinds of decisions for herself given how selfdestructive they are...

Personally I think McDob should have a talk with the guy. Preferably with a steel bat as the translator.

[AdmiralKanos]

The biggest problem with domestic-abuse cases is that usually, no charges are filed without the victim's consent, which the victim is usually too terrified to give.

This isn't the case in, say, a murder trial where charges are filed automatically.

[Stormbringer]

Storm, kind of makes you wonder how she can be allowed to make these kinds of decisions for herself given how selfdestructive they are...

If she was a minor I'dbe the first to say he should do something. The problem is she's a grown woman that's chosen to stay with an abusive lover. However stupid that choice might be, it's hers to make.

Personally I think McDob should have a talk with the guy. Preferably with a steel bat as the translator.

I'd love to crack the guys skull open with a tire iron myself. However he's looking for legal and reasonable options and that isn't one. As Mike pointed out, there isn't shit the law or McDob can do if she won't do anything.

[Admiral Valdemar]

The biggest problem with domestic-abuse cases is that usually, no charges are filed without the victim's consent, which the victim is usually too terrified to give.

This isn't the case in, say, a murder trial where charges are filed automatically.

Yeah, I've had the same problem which I only found out about just before Xmas with a girl I used to like at college before I moved to Uni.

She had this boyfriend over the summer and everyone thought she was happy with him. It was only after she returned the next term in September that her mates found she had been hit numerous times (but not enough for any marks) by this dickhead and at one point he threatened to actually kill her with a knife he pulled out once. Everyone ganged up on him later on and told him to piss off after seeing him trip this girl up outside the college one day. Obviously his brain is in a perpetual off mode if you do that stuff in broaddaylight and try to get away with it.

Women beaters are the worst kind of scum, like paedophiles.

[Korvan]

I have to say that I greatly disagree with the "She's an adult and has made her own choice" attitude. Domestic abuse often employs some sofisicated mind control techniques and quite frankly, many people are not equipped to defend themselves against those attacks.

I live in Vancouver BC, and because of this type of attitude, we have over 50 dead sex workers that were killed by a single man. Oh well, they were all adults and had made their own desicion to live that way.

Intervention is by no means a easy thing and the personal cost may be higher than what you're willing to pay. There are many legal and social obstacles to be overcome if you do things by the book.

But what if you do not go by the book? If the law is not working, then how wrong is it to take the law unto yourself? While effective, this approach is probably not too good an idea. Even if you avoid legal reprecussions, the personal cost will still be high.

My advice? Do what you can. Your cousin needs help, whether she wants to accept that help or not. Your position is not one I'd want to be in and I wish you all the best, no matter what you decide.