Scientological take on Evolution.
Some funny parts of this piece of Genuine ScientologicalTM Weirdness.
...A History of Man opens with the remarkable sentence, "This is a cold-blooded and factual account of your last sixty trillion years." Sixty trillion years, you might ask? Nevermind that astronomers and cosmologists date our universe as only 14-16 billion years old. We have other hurdles to cross.
...Our original existence began in "The Atom." And then a "Cosmic Impact" occurred, which can trigger an upset stomach if you accidentally "remember" it, so suppress that thought! Then came the "The Photon Converter," which Hubbard neglects to describe in any detail, so I won’t either.
...It gets a little sticky here because some people, with stimulation of this "memory" of being jellyfish, can experience "drying and itching" because seaweed was often cast ashore. Memory of being a jellyfish can also cause problems since jellyfish "sometimes [drifted] into a cave or grotto" and were "pressed against a stone by rising tide and waves . . ."
....If you want to "stimulate" a person into remembering their life as a CLAM, you need only to ask, "Can you imagine a clam sitting on the beach, opening and closing its shell rapidly?" Then you should make a motion with your thumb and forefinger opening and closing. According to Hubbard, the person might "grip his jaws . . . and feel quite upset." He or she might even say something about the "poor clam," (editor's note: I found this particularly funny) become depressed, and, in some cases, fall into a stupor.
....Next is the WEEPER (also known as the BOOHOO), another shell animal, whose "plights are many and pathetic" -- but, sad to say, yet another stage of our evolution. Its experiences are very hard to distinguish from the CLAM's. For instance, it also lay on the beach "as seaweed and a dying clam." The WEEPER or BOOHOO also struggled to open its jaws, and when it did so to grab some food . . . POW -- it might "get a wave in the shell" along with unwanted sand. This was an anxious period of our evolution, obviously. (editor's note: Weeper?? Boohoo?? This might sound silly, but not as silly as other aspects of Scientology.)
......You should also be aware that "falling sensations" or "periods of indecision" are traced to the BIRDS, which had an affinity for eating us CLAMs. (Editor's note: This just keeps getting weirder and weirder!!) With an open shell, a bird could thrust in a foot or beak, and then if the CLAM closed its shell, it would be lifted into the air, dropped, and become "bird food." If it didn’t close its shell, the CLAM still became, well, bird food. A no-win situation for us shell creatures when faced by the BIRDS. Other than the obvious, this poses an enigma -- if we were only clams, just where did those birds come from since birds appeared relatively late in the Mesozoic Era?
.....We eventually evolved into the APE, a simian that was "agile and intelligent." But not intelligent enough, apparently, since our next stage of evolution was the . . . PILTDOWN MAN!
PILTDOWN had his own set of problems, not least of which was his rather nasty habit of eating his wife with his "ENORMOUS teeth." Despite PILTDOWN’s "freakish acts of strange logic," Hubbard claims PILTDOWN is man’s "first real Manhood." (Editor's note: Strange logic perhaps, but not as strange as Hubbard's own logic)
Sometimes I wonder how seriously people took L. Ron when he presented his Scientological teachings.Though we haven’t advanced that much since the CAVEMAN, we have gained something since 1950, er, gained something since the so-called CAVEMAN. The CAVEMAN "crippled" his woman to keep her at home or to stave off being "poisoned" by sexual rivals. "Marital malaction [sic] often goes back to the CAVEMAN," Hubbard has decreed. Problems with "interpersonal relationships" can be traced back to the CAVEMAN.
Indeed.
(Note: I don't mean this as an insult to any Scientologists reading this, but I do find Hubbard's interpretation of evolutionary theory to be somewhat amusing)
