I need some advice for someone I know

Yuri Prime · Post by **Yuri Prime** » 2003-06-26 06:22pm

Ok, so I know this girl who is bisexual. She's only 13 and she feels like she has to tell her parents. Problem is her parents are religious and homophobes. She is afraid they might beat her or do something irrational if she tells them, so here's my advice to her:

Stay at a friends house for a while. Call home. Tell them over the phone and stay there a while if they over react and she doesn't feel safe going home. I also stressed the importance of calling the cops if they do try to harm her.

Can anyone else think of something that might help or a better way for her to do this?

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2003-06-26 06:27pm

A major issue in this case is having a place to go....To many gay people end up on the streets when their bigoted parents cast them out...I too know this girl.... And she is to great a person to end up a street urchin.

She neds tofind a place she can go...with people that know she is bi...if her parents cast her out.

Wicked Pilot · Post by **Wicked Pilot** » 2003-06-26 06:28pm

I'd tell her it's best to hunker down for five years until she makes it out on her own. Then she can come out without trouble. It make suck holding secrets like that, but it may be necessary.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-06-26 06:35pm

I can only say this - I'm 22 and have been certain I was bi for about 6 years now. I am not out to my family.

Why? Because it's none of their business. I have still myself around them - I don't feel that I'm lying, I'm just not sure they can deal= with the up front. If they were at all observant, they would know by now anyway.
I am currently in my first ever seriuos relationship and it is with a guy. If and when I ever take a girlfriend home to the olds', I will deal with the issue then.

My personal advice to your friend is to deal with the 'coming out' when she has a girlfriend to prove it, but it's her choice, so she can ignore me if she wants.

Ravencrow · Post by **Ravencrow** » 2003-06-26 06:43pm

Isn't 13 a little young to know one's sexual orientation for sure? Not to insult or anything, but I've read that at that age, kids sometimes have crushes on others of the same gender, but may not turn out to be gay/bi as they get a little older.

Yuri Prime · Post by **Yuri Prime** » 2003-06-26 06:55pm

Ravencrow wrote:Isn't 13 a little young to know one's sexual orientation for sure? Not to insult or anything, but I've read that at that age, kids sometimes have crushes on others of the same gender, but may not turn out to be gay/bi as they get a little older.

Well, she says that she's positive that she knows how she is. She's very mature for being 13 so believe her on that.

thecreech · Post by **thecreech** » 2003-06-26 07:01pm

i don't think it is necessary for her to disclose that to her parents. She can tell them later on in life. If she is only 13 she can do without the ridicule (sp) of her parents

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-06-26 07:08pm

If she thinks that her parents are going to snoop into her things and find out that way, it might be better to tell the out right.

But she needs a plan B if it doesn't turn out very well.

Yuri Prime · Post by **Yuri Prime** » 2003-06-26 07:12pm

neoolong wrote:If she thinks that her parents are going to snoop into her things and find out that way, it might be better to tell the out right.

But she needs a plan B if it doesn't turn out very well.

That was one of her fears.

I had also recommended that she wait to tell them, at least until she has a girlfriend, but she wants to tell them now to let the shock wear off. She thinks that if she waits until she has a gf, they'll force them to break up.

Yuri Prime · Post by **Yuri Prime** » 2003-06-27 07:22am

Argh, she told them and they didn't take it very well. They think it's just a phase. Doesn't sound like they did anything extreme yet though..

Tosho · Post by **Tosho** » 2003-06-27 08:21am

Yuri Prime wrote:Argh, she told them and they didn't take it very well. They think it's just a phase. Doesn't sound like they did anything extreme yet though..

Well that's good news.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-06-27 09:20am

hm. it seems Im not the only one concerned for her.

innerbrat, Ive sent you a pm about it.

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2003-06-27 09:24am

My entire response consists of: "Sexually aware at THIRTEEN? Huh??"

When *I* was thirteen 'sexually aware' consisted of knowing that when I had a hard-on it made it easier to write my name in the snow. Sometimes I can't believe what kids get themselves into.

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-06-27 09:56am

see, when I was 13, I had just read a fundy book, and wasnt going to start kissing the girl I was dating, cuz it would lead to . .. other things.

Yuri Prime · Post by **Yuri Prime** » 2003-06-27 11:13am

Now she's talking about going to stay with some friends until school starts again because she doesn't feel comfortable around her parents. Really, how can you judge someone based on their orientation, especially your own kids?

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-06-27 11:19am

It's the same girl, is it?
Maybe I should ahve offered my email to Yuri, but Talen's going to pass it on anyway.

Does she know me as Siouxsie, perchance?

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2003-06-27 12:15pm

Yuri Prime wrote:Now she's talking about going to stay with some friends until school starts again because she doesn't feel comfortable around her parents. Really, how can you judge someone based on their orientation, especially your own kids?

Fundies judge EVERYONE. The whole religion is based on a process of judgement leading up to sentencing and reward or punishment.

Yuri Prime · Post by **Yuri Prime** » 2003-06-27 12:21pm

Lagmonster wrote:
Yuri Prime wrote:Now she's talking about going to stay with some friends until school starts again because she doesn't feel comfortable around her parents. Really, how can you judge someone based on their orientation, especially your own kids?
Fundies judge EVERYONE. The whole religion is based on a process of judgement leading up to sentencing and reward or punishment.

Yep true, depressing as it is...

GrandMasterTerwynn · Post by **GrandMasterTerwynn** » 2003-06-27 03:12pm

Yuri Prime wrote:Ok, so I know this girl who is bisexual. She's only 13 and she feels like she has to tell her parents. Problem is her parents are religious and homophobes. She is afraid they might beat her or do something irrational if she tells them, so here's my advice to her:

Stay at a friends house for a while. Call home. Tell them over the phone and stay there a while if they over react and she doesn't feel safe going home. I also stressed the importance of calling the cops if they do try to harm her.

Can anyone else think of something that might help or a better way for her to do this?

Tell her to wait a couple of years. Seriously, she may discover that she is not actually bisexual. (Teens that young tend to still be forming their concrete adult sexualities, so they tend to swing back and forth.) When she's older and she's more certain of her actual sexual orientation, that would be the best time to talk to her parents.

Dillon · Post by **Dillon** » 2003-06-27 06:44pm

GrandMasterTerwynn wrote:
Yuri Prime wrote:Ok, so I know this girl who is bisexual. She's only 13 and she feels like she has to tell her parents. Problem is her parents are religious and homophobes. She is afraid they might beat her or do something irrational if she tells them, so here's my advice to her:

Stay at a friends house for a while. Call home. Tell them over the phone and stay there a while if they over react and she doesn't feel safe going home. I also stressed the importance of calling the cops if they do try to harm her.

Can anyone else think of something that might help or a better way for her to do this?
Tell her to wait a couple of years. Seriously, she may discover that she is not actually bisexual. (Teens that young tend to still be forming their concrete adult sexualities, so they tend to swing back and forth.) When she's older and she's more certain of her actual sexual orientation, that would be the best time to talk to her parents.

Seconded, no one can be sure what their sexual orientation will be for the rest of their lives at 13.

Yuri Prime · Post by **Yuri Prime** » 2003-06-27 11:38pm

observer_20000 wrote:
GrandMasterTerwynn wrote:
Yuri Prime wrote:Ok, so I know this girl who is bisexual. She's only 13 and she feels like she has to tell her parents. Problem is her parents are religious and homophobes. She is afraid they might beat her or do something irrational if she tells them, so here's my advice to her:

Stay at a friends house for a while. Call home. Tell them over the phone and stay there a while if they over react and she doesn't feel safe going home. I also stressed the importance of calling the cops if they do try to harm her.

Can anyone else think of something that might help or a better way for her to do this?
Tell her to wait a couple of years. Seriously, she may discover that she is not actually bisexual. (Teens that young tend to still be forming their concrete adult sexualities, so they tend to swing back and forth.) When she's older and she's more certain of her actual sexual orientation, that would be the best time to talk to her parents.
Seconded, no one can be sure what their sexual orientation will be for the rest of their lives at 13.

Well, she already told them. See above ^

SyntaxVorlon · Post by **SyntaxVorlon** » 2003-06-28 12:36am

Wow that is a bit of a pickle. She must be very mature. Well I hope she and her parents are able to work out their differences. This is why I hate religion, because it can do its very best to undermine the hormones that build strong relationships. All that wasted oxytocin.
If she isn't able to make them happy as she is, she ought to let think it is a phase, parents LOVE it when they are right about something. Then after a few months apologize and take it back.
As a utilitarian, I'd say its best to live comfortably under a lie than uncomfortably with the truth.
I know it's not fair, it's THEIR goddamned problem, not hers, but until they come around or she leaves for college they will do their best to make it HER problem. I just hope they don't think she can be "cured," as that will do unimaginable damage to her.

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2003-06-28 12:49am

maturity is the result of environment and upbringing. if youre so immature at 13 as to not know who youre attracted to then you have had a bad upbringing.

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2003-06-28 01:06am

Yuri Prime wrote:Argh, she told them and they didn't take it very well. They think it's just a phase. Doesn't sound like they did anything extreme yet though..

To be honest, I think they may be right. 13!?

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-06-28 05:24am

kojikun wrote:maturity is the result of environment and upbringing. if youre so immature at 13 as to not know who youre attracted to then you have had a bad upbringing.

Bullshit. Good upbringing forces someone to think they're an adult before they are?

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