What would you do in a situation like this?

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2005-03-22 08:38pm

Unfortunately, I have this step father my mom married about 5 years ago. We get along, but only because I work very hard at that. Let me tell you about him;

He's from a small hick town, so the word 'redneck' would accurately describe him. First of all, he is constantly drinking. When I say constantly, I mean he sometimes drives with a can of beer between his legs. He'll get off work, drink a ton of beer, get called back in, and then drive back to work. This is normal to him. Once I was really embarassed because my in laws from Japan were with us at a restaraunt, and after he drank a ton of beer, he got into his pick up and drove to the next place where we went. My father in law asked me if he was okay. Don't even get me started on how he acts in public... He can't even go 5 minutes without saying shit about people, "hey that guy's a fag, " or "look at that person. Is that a man or a woman?" When my wife and I have kids, they will never stay with my mother and him alone.

Also, he is a staunch Republican. He is like Archie Bunker. If you try to debate him, he huffs up, gets mad, and then makes shit up. In other words, his mind is set and nothing will change it. I can't visit over there and have him keep quiet about his Republican bullshit. I always have to be the bigger person and I'm sick of it. Last time I called over there to talk to my mom, he answered, talked to me normally for a minute or two, and started on an anti Clinton tirade. Again, I was the bigger person and kept silent about it.

My father in law is buying us a trip to Hawaii for my wife and I. This is when she gets back. They suggested we invite my mother and him, but in all honesty I am fed up. I really can't stand him and there's no way I want to spend a vacation with his stupid ass.

My in laws know my mother and step father because they met them during my wife's graduation and also they once took a trip to Japan and kinda hung out with them. So this is my dilemna.

Anyway, here is what I plan to do. I think I'll invite my father and step mother. I feel badly about doing this to my mother, but I can't take that ass anymore. I just emailed my wife and said there's no way I am spending a vacation with him.

What do you think? What would you do?

The Spartan · Post by **The Spartan** » 2005-03-22 08:48pm

I'm not so sure it would be a good idea to invite your dad and step-mom; better to invite neither. Doind so could poison the relationship with your mother. There's not really a good solution that you can make in any of this that I can see.

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2005-03-22 08:51pm

Good point.

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2005-03-22 09:22pm

Damn, well, if I were in your position, I'd probably invite my dad and stepmother and attempt not to feel guilty about it. Then claim you weren't expecting it or just act dumb and claim plausible deniability or something if your mum gets upset by it.

The Spartan · Post by **The Spartan** » 2005-03-22 09:35pm

I have to disagree with you there Rye. That's opening up a HUGE can of worms. And if he wants to maintain a relationship with his mom(in spite of his step dad) it's best to take no one IMHO. Taking his dad and then claiming ignorance or whatever is just adding another layer of complexity that can come back to bite him in the ass.

Guy N. Cognito · Post by **Guy N. Cognito** » 2005-03-23 05:31pm

Unfortunately Family is for life. What I would do, is go on vacation, and then explain to your father that you would like to invite him, but it would insult your mother and your step-father. Usually, adults are able to accept this. And hey, they could always just 'spontaniously' meet you on your vacation.

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2005-03-23 06:21pm

I would explain to your father that whileyou would like to either invite him, or your mother, that doing so would would either make your vacation miserable(step dad) or poison your relationship with your mother...

But it would be possible to run into them by coincidence in the airport, and your mother would never need to know

McC · Post by **McC** » 2005-03-23 06:22pm

Since the guy's clearly a jerk, maybe you should have a bit of an intervention with your mom and nip the problem in the bud rather than putting out brushfires...

salm · Post by **salm** » 2005-03-23 06:43pm

yeah, can´t you just tell your mom (and perhaps your step dad) what you think about your step dad?

TrailerParkJawa · Post by **TrailerParkJawa** » 2005-03-24 12:01am

Superman,

I feel for you man. Having a family member you can't stand is a huge stress. If you invite your mom and the bumpkin he will most likely ruin the vacation. If you don't invite them your mom might be pretty hurt. If you invite your dad and his wife, then your mom might be hurt again. Although if she is reasonable, you can always pass it off as being a chance to spend time with your dad.

I dunno, if I was in your shoes I might just go with my wife and her parents and leave everyone else behind.

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2005-03-24 12:03am

you could always just... invite your mom and leave your stepdad

Imperial Overlord · Post by **Imperial Overlord** » 2005-03-24 02:35am

Well, you're in an uncomfortable place. I have some insight into this, as my mother is in a similar position. She didn't win the parental lottery, was practicaly adopted by my dad's parents, and on the few visits we had with her parents, never left us alone with them.

First, I'm assuming you get along well with your in-laws. If this is the case, let them know what you are doing.

IIRC you will be living in the states. This gives you the excuse that you and your wife are going to spend time with her parents and that since you will be living in the U. S. you will be spending much more time in the future with your parents (quite possibly true). This requires your in-laws to be in on it and not bring up that they made the offer to include your parents.

There is no reason why you and your wife can't go on vacation with her parents. It's only a snub if you don't visit your mother at some point in the future.

Big Phil · Post by **Big Phil** » 2005-03-24 11:27am

You neglected to explain one thing - why is your mother married to this man? Does she not feel she can do any better, or does he have redeeming qualities that you aren't mentioning?

Queeb Salaron · Post by **Queeb Salaron** » 2005-03-24 11:33am

It's hard to tell a person you're embarassed about their drunkenness. But it's worse to snub them.

I know it's not the first thing on your mind, but if your step-father is a drunk, shunning him isn't going to make him any better. In fact, it might make it worse, because then you'll have a spiteful drunk on your hands.

The best advice I can give is this: Invite him along, and ignore him in Hawaii. Take your wife out on little romantic excursions while on the island, (and as I remember, there are quite a few) and let your mother deal with him. If you show him now that you do care about him (even if you don't) he'll be more open to listening to your opinion if/when you should decide to confront him on his drunkenness.

Butter 'em up, and let 'em down easy. That's the way it has to work sometimes.

General Zod · Post by **General Zod** » 2005-03-24 11:37am

SancheztheWhaler wrote:You neglected to explain one thing - why is your mother married to this man? Does she not feel she can do any better, or does he have redeeming qualities that you aren't mentioning?

how is this important to the situation at hand in any fashion whatsoever? she's already married so it's kind of a moot point.

though back ot, you could simply go straight to your mom on this one and see what she wants to do, without bothering to go through the step-dad. as she'd probably be easier to handle than he would and like queeb said, if they do want to come about, simply try and avoid them for most of the trip save things like tours, special events, etc.

Steven Snyder · Post by **Steven Snyder** » 2005-03-24 02:12pm

Superman wrote: Anyway, here is what I plan to do. I think I'll invite my father and step mother. I feel badly about doing this to my mother, but I can't take that ass anymore. I just emailed my wife and said there's no way I am spending a vacation with him.

What do you think? What would you do?

Why not go with your plan?

You have no debt to your mother that would cause you to have to ruin your life in order to accomodate her choice of a new spouse.

It is your life, not your mothers that you need to be focused on. If your mother is brining a bad element into your life, then just tell her and be honest with her. "Mom I love you to death but you married a uncouth hick who I can't bear to be seen with in public." would be my statement to her.

It sounds like you are about to settle down and have kids, do you really want this guy to have any influence over them? Cut the ties now and do what you need to do for the good of the family you are about to start.

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

What would you do in a situation like this?

What would you do in a situation like this?

Re: What would you do in a situation like this?