Really good jokes!

[Ted]

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What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
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What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
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What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
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What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
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Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18
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How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
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Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys
have?
Palm Sunday.
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What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
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What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo machine.
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
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Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
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What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
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Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
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What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
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Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage,
along with a recipe.
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What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
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What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern
fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale
begins"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
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[Anarchist Bunny]

How does James Bond like his pussy?
Shaven, not furred.

[Cal Wright]

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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That was just wrong. *flaps arms*

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
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That's Mississipi

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern
fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale
begins"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That one's pretty good too.

Now here are a few of mine.

Two rich Poles, Stand and Jerzy, are on a camping trip when Jerzy says to Stan, "I have to go to the bathroom." Stan suggests he go inot the bushes. Five minutes later there's a shout from the bushes: "I have nothing to wipe with!"
"Use a dollar," Stan shouts back, then holds his nose as Jerzy emerges from the woods with his hand covered with shit. "What happened?' he asks.
"You gave me some rotten advice," complained Jerzy. "Not only am I covered with shit, I got four quarters stuck up my ass!"

Why do Polish babies have big heads?
So they don't fall out during the bridal dance.

Why can't blacks celebrate Thanksgiving?
Kentucky Fried Chicken isn't open on holidays.

What do you call four drowning Mexicans?
Cuatro sinko

How can you tell when you're at an Australian stag party?
A sheep jumps out of the cake.

What's dumber than four Italians trying to build a house underwater?
Six Irishmen trying to lay the foundation.

What do the Chinese call 69?
Two can chew

How can you tell when a Paki has matured?
He takes the diaper off his ass and sticks it on his head.

That's all for now!

[Cal Wright]

Okay my brother just told me two more that are really good if your an SEC football fan.

One day a Tennessee fan, an Alabama fan, and an Auburn fan are captured by Al Queda terrorists. They are brought before a firing squad for execution. The leader looks at the Tennesse fan and asks "any last words?'
The Tennessee fan yells "sandstorm!". The taliban duck and look around, while the Tennesse fan escapes. The leader looks to the Alabama fan. "Any last words?" he asks. "Tornado" cries the Alabama fan. Again the taliban fall to the ground and take cover. The Alabama fan escapes. The leader looks to the Auburn fan. "Any last words?" The Auburn fan shouts "Fire!"

There was a Tennessee fan, and Alabama fan and an Auburn fan on death row. The warden puts the Tennessee fan into the electric chair. The warden asks "any last words" The Tennessee fan says "no". They throw the switch but nothing happens. They let him go. Next the bring in the Alabama fan and sit him down. "Any last words?" the warden asks. the Alabama fan replies "no". The switch is pulled and again nothing happens. They let him go. Finally they bring in the Auburn fan. the warden looks at him, "any last words" he says. The Auburn fan says "yeah, did you guys know this thing is unplugged back here?"

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

A duck and a skunk are talking. Then, the duck goes "I don't know what I am". The skunk says "Well, you have webbed feet, and a bill, so you must be a duck!"

Later, the skunk asks the duck "I don't know what I am either". The duck says "Well, you don't have webbed feet, you don't have bill, you're ont exactly black, you're not exactly white, you odn't smell so good, you must be a Mexican!"


Q: A Hispanic person and Rosie O'Donnel are on a roof. How do they get off?
A: Who cares?


What's long, black, and smelly?
An unemployment line!


Did you hear of the Polish hockey team? They drowned during spring training.


What does a high school football team and Pamela Anderson have in common? They all have big boobs!


What's the difference between Cher an a Lego brick?
Cher has a higher percentage of plastic.


How can you tell if it's winter?
Someone gies into 7-11 with a ski mask, but he isn't carrying a gun.

[Shinova]

This one's kinda old:


Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?


A: A half a worm.

[Solid Snake]

Q: How do you know you have a high sperm count?
A: your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows

[Zaia]

Me: Knock, knock!

You: Who's there?

Me: Interrupting cow!

You: Interrup--

Me: Mooooo!

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

"Coal mining is hazardous work. For example, the black miners in this picture are actually white"


Why did Patkelly move west?
He heard of all the miners!


What do glue and a Big Mac have in common?
They came from the same part of the horse!


How does a woman get stoned in Saudi Arabia?
She gets caught in public alone!

[Mike_6002]

This is going to be real offensive, but funny

What do you call a Jewish Susicde Bomber?

A Yamakazie

[Mr Bean]

Me: Knock, knock!

You: Who's there?

Me: Interrupting cow!

You: Interrup--

Me: Mooooo!

Ahh the Classics

This one's from Family Guy


A Priest, A Rabie and a Iman are sitting at a table, The Rabie turns to the other two and says
I just hearrd a very funny joke..
Tell it then says the Priest
Ok says the Rabie, So... The three of us go into a bar

[Evil Sadistic Bastard]

Mystery of the East: Many man smoke, but Fu Manchu.

[Shinova]

Me: Knock, knock!

You: Who's there?

Me: Interrupting cow!

You: Interrup--

Me: Mooooo!

Hmmm.......


Could be just me, but I don't get that one .....

[Ted]

Me: Knock, knock!
You: Who's there?
Me: Interrupting cow!
You: Interrup--
Me: Mooooo!

Hmmm.......

Could be just me, but I don't get that one .....

It's pretty corny.

[Evil Sadistic Bastard]

Zaia-hime is as Zaia-hime does... I still worship her anyway...

[Singular Quartet]

Me: HAve youheard the joke about the Tortella?
You: No.
Me: It was very corny.

[data_link]

1: Have you heard the joke about the bed?
2: No.
1: It hasn't been made up yet.

[Singular Quartet]

1: Have you heard the joke about the bed?
2: No.
1: It hasn't been made up yet.

There are an infinite numbers of puns that can come from that single formula, most of them pretty bad.

[Kuja]

1: Have you heard the joke about the 747?
2: No.
1: Never mind. It's way over your head.

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

Did you hear the joke about the broken pencil? It was pointless.

Did you hear the joke about the unrolled thread? It's to long to tell.