MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Raw Shark]

The 'teenage' in there means you're not necessarily old, just that doing her would be illegal.

Sucker-punching the other kid out would also be illegal in any event, but the part where I feel old is where I weigh in with advice based more on morals than libido and eagerness to show off.

[Raw Shark]

The 'teenage' in there means you're not necessarily old, just that doing her would be illegal.

Sucker-punching the other kid out would also be illegal in any event, but the part where I feel old is where I weigh in with advice based more on morals than libido and eagerness to show off. I am officially adulting.

[Raw Shark]

The 'teenage' in there means you're not necessarily old, just that doing her would be illegal.

Sucker-punching the other kid out would also be illegal in any event, but the part where I feel old is where I weigh in with advice based more on morals than libido and eagerness to show off. #adulting.

[Raw Shark]

Double.

[Raw Shark]

MAGA CO-WORKER: That... Whatever says there's no TP in the women's room.

ME: You wanna get it, or shall I?

MAGA CO-WORKER: How does that thing have any right to-

ME: Whoa? I though you loved America? You have a red, white, and blue eagle tattoo...

MAGA CO-WORKER: So? [paraphrase] It's confusing for me!

ME: This is America. The land of the free. Can't that customer dress how they want here and poop in a toilet?

MAGA CO-WORKER: Yeah, but... [walks away, head down]

ME: [silently takes what tiny win he can with those shitheels]

[Raw Shark]

ME: Bro. You are faded.

CO-WORKER: I'm always faded.

ME: Son. I am nobody's example. But you are going to get your ass shit-canned if you come around here wasted. Do you have a library card?

CO-WORKER: A What?

ME: [facepalm] Little dude. GO FIND SOMETHING FREE TO DO WHEN YOU'RE OFF WORK. YOU ARE GOING TO GET FIRED. I AM NOT GOING TO RAT YOU OUT, BUT IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOU'RE WASTED.

CO-WORKER: Geez, you don't have to be an asshole...

[Raw Shark]

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood! Blood! Gallons of the stuff!

ME: Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough!

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood, blood... [gasping for breath]

ME: Fuck, that was a workout.

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: We never skip leg day!

BOTH: [sideways high-five]

ME: Wanna get a beer with your old man?

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Hi, have you met me?

[Raw Shark]

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood! Blood! Gallons of the stuff!

ME: Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough!

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood, blood... [gasping for breath, surveying the human wreckage we leave in our wake]

ME: Fuck, that was a workout.

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: We never skip leg day!

BOTH: [sideways high-five]

ME: Wanna get a beer with your old man?

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Hi, have you met me?

[Raw Shark]

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: [puts the boot in] So give them blood! Blood! Gallons of the stuff!

ME: Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough!

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood, blood... [gasping for breath, surveying the human wreckage we leave in our wake]

ME: Fuck, that was a workout.

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: We never skip leg day!

BOTH: [sideways high-five]

ME: Wanna get a beer with your old man?

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Hi, have you met me?

[Raw Shark]

* I'm not exactly recommending this, but you wanna get in some high-stakes life-affirming action, you could do worse than walking around a bad neighborhood with a pretty girl at night.