Gay guy needs life advice

Shinova · Post by **Shinova** » 2004-01-07 04:08am

quid @ SB.com wrote:Hey guys, I know a lot of you don't approve of the gay lifestyle but I need to get something off my chest.

Tonight probably the most important thing to happen to me in recent year took place, my boyfriend proposed to me. The thing is, I don't know whether or not to say yes. I mean, I love him to death, with all my heart and soul. but when he popped the question in front of the entire club I was dumbfounded. I am only 19, with my whole life ahead of me, is it possible that I found "The One" so soon?

I know coming to a bunch fo conservative people for gay marriage advice is kind of pointless, but I DO respect your opinions, even if I don't agree with them.

Thanks guys and gals.

I decided to relay his request here, since this place has more gay guys. So, what say you?

Post by **Gandalf** » 2004-01-07 04:12am

I say if he really loves him so much, go for it.

Frank Hipper · Post by **Frank Hipper** » 2004-01-07 04:21am

Hey, if he loves him with "all his heart and soul", it shouldn't be a trick question.

The doubts he expressed seem a little superficial, so maybe this isn't for him. If it was true love, I'd imagine he'd be thinking "I'm spending the rest of my life with him!", instead of "but my whole life is ahead of me..."

Tough call, but life's like that sometimes.

Post by **haas mark** » 2004-01-07 04:53am

Frank Hipper wrote:Hey, if he loves him with "all his heart and soul", it shouldn't be a trick question.

The doubts he expressed seem a little superficial, so maybe this isn't for him. If it was true love, I'd imagine he'd be thinking "I'm spending the rest of my life with him!", instead of "but my whole life is ahead of me..."

Tough call, but life's like that sometimes.

It's called being 19..

Hell if I know.. I'd say if he's having doubts, though, he may just not be ready; not necessarily that it's not right.

~ver

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2004-01-07 06:11am

If you're having doubts, say no.
Explain to your boyfriend why. If he's worthy of spending the rest of his life with you, he'll understand. He may help you to dispel your doubts, but you've got to be sure, first.

Stofsk · Post by **Stofsk** » 2004-01-07 06:17am

I would suggest, respectively of course, that 19 would be too young to get married. Without anymore information I can't really comment on anything else, so I should ask: how long have you been seeing each other? and Why don't you live together first for a few years and see how that works out? Anyway, all the best.

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2004-01-07 10:25am

Ask him if he lives in America. Because then he can't get married.

Dahak · Post by **Dahak** » 2004-01-07 11:07am

Well, if they truly love each other, then doing it doesn't hurt.

Col. Crackpot · Post by **Col. Crackpot** » 2004-01-07 11:19am

DPDarkPrimus wrote:Ask him if he lives in America. Because then he can't get married.

In Massachusetts he can. Back on topic, show me a 19 year old that is mature enough for marraige, because i haven't seen one. Good grief, live life first, see what's out there. Don't get tied down at 19. If it is true love then it will survive the wait.

edit: when the fuck did i start giving love advice to gay guys?
*looks around for flying pigs

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2004-01-07 11:45am

Anyone who thinks they can get married so young is not using their full 10%, if you catch my drift.

Still, there's no reason on earth why you can't be with someone, committed to them, and love them, and damage said relationship by NOT entering into legally binding and very expensive agreements with them.

I knew a couple that were together for many, many years, lived together, etc. She one day came out bewailing that they'd been together a long time, and she had been secretly hoping he'd propose to her for years, and that she thought they had a future together and just finally wanted to know where the relationship was going. His response was a sardonic, "Apparently, you haven't been paying attention while I was loving you and being committed to you and basically doing all the things that married couples do, all these years". While a hard way of saying it, the strength of your relationship isn't bound by what amount to legal agreements (editor's note: Okay, so they got married promptly afterwards).

And contrary to what young people think, you don't feel differently when you're married (except when a squad of hot young people invite you to go naked hottubbing

), so there's no point to rushing into it, especially if you're only partially sure. If both parties haven't been thinking about it and talking about it a lot, it's probably not an issues ready to be sprung upon the scene.

Robert Walper · Post by **Robert Walper** » 2004-01-07 12:10pm

Shinova wrote:
quid @ SB.com wrote:Hey guys, I know a lot of you don't approve of the gay lifestyle but I need to get something off my chest.

Tonight probably the most important thing to happen to me in recent year took place, my boyfriend proposed to me. The thing is, I don't know whether or not to say yes. I mean, I love him to death, with all my heart and soul. but when he popped the question in front of the entire club I was dumbfounded. I am only 19, with my whole life ahead of me, is it possible that I found "The One" so soon?

I know coming to a bunch fo conservative people for gay marriage advice is kind of pointless, but I DO respect your opinions, even if I don't agree with them.

Thanks guys and gals.
I decided to relay his request here, since this place has more gay guys. So, what say you?

Depends on how long they've been together. Have they tried living together for an extended period of time? I'd recommend trying that first. If that's been done, and both are really in love, I say go for it.

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2004-01-07 02:24pm

I say no, just because if something's that good, he can wait another year(at least) just to make sure.

SirNitram · Post by **SirNitram** » 2004-01-07 02:29pm

Col. Crackpot wrote:
DPDarkPrimus wrote:Ask him if he lives in America. Because then he can't get married.
In Massachusetts he can. Back on topic, show me a 19 year old that is mature enough for marraige, because i haven't seen one. Good grief, live life first, see what's out there. Don't get tied down at 19. If it is true love then it will survive the wait.

*Raises hand* Right here.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2004-01-07 02:57pm

I thought you were 21?

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2004-01-07 03:21pm

Lagmonster wrote:I knew a couple that were together for many, many years, lived together, etc. She one day came out bewailing that they'd been together a long time, and she had been secretly hoping he'd propose to her for years, and that she thought they had a future together and just finally wanted to know where the relationship was going. His response was a sardonic, "Apparently, you haven't been paying attention while I was loving you and being committed to you and basically doing all the things that married couples do, all these years". While a hard way of saying it, the strength of your relationship isn't bound by what amount to legal agreements (editor's note: Okay, so they got married promptly afterwards).

Doesn't that editor's note at the end sort of defeat the purpose of the preceding paragraph?

And contrary to what young people think, you don't feel differently when you're married (except when a squad of hot young people invite you to go naked hottubbing ), so there's no point to rushing into it, especially if you're only partially sure. If both parties haven't been thinking about it and talking about it a lot, it's probably not an issues ready to be sprung upon the scene.

Well, I would say that varies from person to person. In my case, while we were just as committed to each other before the marriage as we were afterwards, we did feel different afterwards. Not differently towards each other, but different in the sense that we felt the world perceived us differently. When you introduce the woman on your arm as "my wife", there is a sense of permanence and commitment that is simply not there when you present her as "my girlfriend".

PS. Rebecca and I got married at 22, so I guess I'm not in a position to make "too young" comments, but a 19 year old is barely out of high school.

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2004-01-07 03:21pm

SirNitram wrote:
Col. Crackpot wrote:Back on topic, show me a 19 year old that is mature enough for marriage, because i haven't seen one.
*Raises hand* Right here.

I thought you were older than that by a bit at least. Damn and hell, it's hard to stick to ones' assertions and still play nice with your friends.

As amendment, I suppose that it's not a vast mistake to get married young depending on the circumstances surrounding it, but I'll still hold that it's not for everyone and usually something to be second-guessed, mainly if you're just a couple of college kids on a fling and a whim like many of the young marriages I recall from my own youth.

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2004-01-07 03:38pm

Darth Wong wrote:
Lagmonster wrote:(editor's note: Okay, so they got married promptly afterwards).
Doesn't that editor's note at the end sort of defeat the purpose of the preceding paragraph?

Well...yeah. But I thought about it and I felt guilty not including the mention of it. Besides, it illustrates a completely separate issue: The guy instinct to protect himself from disaster by giving in to things he doesn't always understand the purpose of, such as making the bed and owning more shoes than feet.

Well, I would say that varies from person to person. In my case, while we were just as committed to each other before the marriage as we were afterwards, we did feel different afterwards.

Point. I remember a couple of lunatic kids I knew in high school when they announced their marriage at 18 (having already had a kid some two years before, an unheard of thing in my end of town at the time). They strode around like the the court of Louis XVI, thoroughly impressed with themselves, and announced to anyone who'd listen the fact that they were husband and wife, father and mother. It was like listening to those annoying people who insist on calling themselves 'doctor' when they are not physicians, but merely arts students who took their education a few degrees too many.

Without doing any real research into the subject (in true sociologist fashion) I'd suggest that perhaps it makes young people feel more like adults in the same way that getting a real job, having sex or smoking did when I was a kid.

I think that this is what was going through my mind the first time I replied; I've seen people get married (or have kids) simply because they think that the act ITSELF will improve their relationship or bring them closer together or remove some lingering doubts.

Col. Crackpot · Post by **Col. Crackpot** » 2004-01-07 03:46pm

SirNitram wrote:
Col. Crackpot wrote:
DPDarkPrimus wrote:Ask him if he lives in America. Because then he can't get married.
In Massachusetts he can. Back on topic, show me a 19 year old that is mature enough for marraige, because i haven't seen one. Good grief, live life first, see what's out there. Don't get tied down at 19. If it is true love then it will survive the wait.
*Raises hand* Right here.

you're only 19? No shit? Well, you and Tevar would be the exception to the rule seeing that you are like an old married couple anyway

Like two old farts sitting on a park bench.

Alex Moon · Post by **Alex Moon** » 2004-01-07 03:57pm

I would say no. Getting married at 19 is a bad idea simply because very very few people have any sort of life experience at this point that will ready them for what's ahead. Even waiting a few years can be beneficial for both parties.

My mother married at 19, and was divorced by 23, with no college education, two children and no idea how to live on her own. It was a struggle for her for much of my life.

The Cleric · Post by **The Cleric** » 2004-01-07 04:32pm

If he's having doubts, then I say that he needs to have them addressed first before he makes what should be a lifetime commitment.

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2004-01-07 04:36pm

Col. Crackpot wrote:
DPDarkPrimus wrote:Ask him if he lives in America. Because then he can't get married.
In Massachusetts he can. Back on topic, show me a 19 year old that is mature enough for marraige, because i haven't seen one. Good grief, live life first, see what's out there. Don't get tied down at 19. If it is true love then it will survive the wait.

My mom and dad.

That and extenuating circumstances...and as immature my dad seems on the outside, they've survived and prospered a 29 year marriage.

So it can happen, it's just unlikely.

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2004-01-07 05:53pm

If the boys are in love, then they don't need a legally binding contract. My grandfathers brother and his "wife" never got married but have been together for decades. If those two boys are really in love, then they'll acknowledge that they don't NEED to be forced to stay together. And they'll also acknowledge the potential for growing apart and a need to not hurt the other by forcing them to stay together even tho he doesn't want to.

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2004-01-07 06:53pm

kojikun wrote:If the boys are in love, then they don't need a legally binding contract. My grandfathers brother and his "wife" never got married but have been together for decades. If those two boys are really in love, then they'll acknowledge that they don't NEED to be forced to stay together. And they'll also acknowledge the potential for growing apart and a need to not hurt the other by forcing them to stay together even tho he doesn't want to.

Under the law, those two people are living in a common law marriage. If you are in love, it helps to have a legally binding agreemwnt that says "We are a couple and are entitled to certain rights a and priviledges"

I say go for it. If you really love the person then take the next logical step.

Einhander Sn0m4n · Post by **Einhander Sn0m4n** » 2004-01-07 06:56pm

How about we invite Quid here to SDNet btw?

Super-Gagme · Post by **Super-Gagme** » 2004-01-07 07:41pm

Getting engaged at 19 is different than getting married. He could say yes but want to wait until he finishes say Uni or they get on their feet better or something. Leaving plenty of time to change their minds.

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