I could use some advice.

Mr Flibble · Post by **Mr Flibble** » 2004-01-08 01:05am

I don't really like doing this, but I need advice from an outside and somewhat neutral source. I have been somewhat close with this girl over the past year, getting to the stage in the last few weeks she was in the country she wanted to see me everyday. Her friends were starting to think we were going out. However as far as she is concerned we are only friends, and doesn't want to go out with me. It is getting problematic in that it is interfering with some of my other friendships, as she gets quite jealous if I so much as talk to one of my other female friends. And she takes up so much of my time and attention it would be near impossible for me to find anyone else.

I think the major sticking point for her is that she is indian and her family and some of her friends would be completely against her going out with a non-indian. That and the situation is similar to her last relationship which ended pretty badly.

What I am asking is what would be the best way to handle this situation?

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2004-01-08 02:08am

Tell her that she is not your boss and you will talk with whoever you damn well please. Especially in light of the fact that she herself has limited the extent of your relationship to friendship only.

Post by **Kuja** » 2004-01-08 02:10am

However as far as she is concerned we are only friends, and doesn't want to go out with me. It is getting problematic in that it is interfering with some of my other friendships, as she gets quite jealous if I so much as talk to one of my other female friends.

Well, that's too bad for her. If she doesn't want to be your GF, then she has no claim to you. Tell her as much.

Mr Flibble · Post by **Mr Flibble** » 2004-01-08 02:42am

Kuja wrote:
However as far as she is concerned we are only friends, and doesn't want to go out with me. It is getting problematic in that it is interfering with some of my other friendships, as she gets quite jealous if I so much as talk to one of my other female friends.
Well, that's too bad for her. If she doesn't want to be your GF, then she has no claim to you. Tell her as much.

I should have added that I have confronted her on this and said as much. She just denies that she is acting jealous and ignores me, hence acts exactly the same way the next time I talk to a girl. It doesn't leave me with many options, other than ending the friendship and I don't want to do that.

Post by **Kuja** » 2004-01-08 02:49am

Mr Flibble wrote:I should have added that I have confronted her on this and said as much. She just denies that she is acting jealous and ignores me, hence acts exactly the same way the next time I talk to a girl. It doesn't leave me with many options, other than ending the friendship and I don't want to do that.

Put bluntly: are you losing that much? Think about it: she's not acting like a very good friend, is she? I mean, do you want a friend who doesn't want you to make new female friends...ever?

Mr Flibble · Post by **Mr Flibble** » 2004-01-08 03:14am

Kuja wrote:Put bluntly: are you losing that much? Think about it: she's not acting like a very good friend, is she? I mean, do you want a friend who doesn't want you to make new female friends...ever?

Yes in this one part of the friendship she is not acting like a good friend, in other parts she is. I want to find a solution which doesn't involve me ending an otherwise good friendship.

Post by **Kuja** » 2004-01-08 03:17am

Mr Flibble wrote:Yes in this one part of the friendship she is not acting like a good friend, in other parts she is. I want to find a solution which doesn't involve me ending an otherwise good friendship.

Simple: spend less time with her. Do stuff with her, but also with your other friends. Talk to other girls when she's not around. Keep her as a friend, but don't have her around as often as she is now.

ArmorPierce · Post by **ArmorPierce** » 2004-01-08 03:32am

she acts jealous how exactly?

Mr Flibble · Post by **Mr Flibble** » 2004-01-08 03:39am

ArmorPierce wrote:she acts jealous how exactly?

It depends on the circumstances. Last time it happened I just said hi to one of my friends I hadnt seen in ages, and she got really angry, was going to walk home alone at night. Other times when she actually knows the girl in question she usually ust starts trying to make me dislike them by insulting them.

Faram · Post by **Faram** » 2004-01-08 03:48am

You are being used, either make it a real relationship and be a coupple or dump her.

ArmorPierce · Post by **ArmorPierce** » 2004-01-08 04:32am

If it was me, I wouldn't break up the friendship. I'd just hang around her less,confront her when she starts talking shit about your other friend with no basis for doing so and ignore her when she's angry. Sorry not much help there.

Stofsk · Post by **Stofsk** » 2004-01-08 04:48am

I think the major sticking point for her is that she is indian and her family and some of her friends would be completely against her going out with a non-indian. That and the situation is similar to her last relationship which ended pretty badly.

The thing is, is she against going out with a non-indian? If so, why bother? If not, why give a shit what someone else thinks of it? If you want the friendship to remain, then follow what Kuja advised: spend less time with her, broaden your relationships somewhat. If you want something more, then take the plunge and ask her out.

It's obvious, from the way you talk about her, that she has feelings for you. If so, I suggest you talk to her about it. Shit, that sounds like crappy advice, but I can't think of anything profound. Besides, it sounds like there are things that need to be said to each other anyway, so...

Bah, I suck at this relationship thing myself. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Post by **Zaia** » 2004-01-08 12:09pm

Is this the same chick as before, Flib?

Mr Flibble · Post by **Mr Flibble** » 2004-01-08 12:18pm

Stofsk wrote:The thing is, is she against going out with a non-indian? If so, why bother? If not, why give a shit what someone else thinks of it? If you want the friendship to remain, then follow what Kuja advised: spend less time with her, broaden your relationships somewhat. If you want something more, then take the plunge and ask her out.

I have actually already asked her out. Answer was a no. She is againts going out with a non-indian, because her family is against her doing so.

Zaia wrote:Is this the same chick as before, Flib?

Yes.

Stravo · Post by **Stravo** » 2004-01-08 12:26pm

Fibble, I am currently exeriencing a similar situation with a vendor thatr works for our firm, beautiful Pakistani girl, we've gone out to lunch and it evolved into dinners and museums. I was pretty sure we were starting to become an item but then she starts pulling the "My family is very traditional and I'm a muslim." bullshit and I just had to eventually move her into the someone I just say hi to occasionally category. Does it suck? Hell yes, she was GORGEOUS and a genuinely cool girl that you could talk to for hours. But it's not worth the aggravation.

Many of these Indian/Pakistani/Muslim women raised here in the states are afraid of branching out because of what their family will say, etc. What she is doing is trying to have her cake and eat it to. Act like you're her man to satisfy her own desires but have that deniability.

If you relegate her to someone you just say hi to her simply limit the time you see and talk to her, she will either respond by drawing closer to you or not do anything at all. If she accepts the new lesser status then you have your answer on how she feels about you and would she really be worth your time and effort then?

I know it sucks but you have to pull away, don't let her pull this "Best of Both Worlds" Scenario where she can deny to herself whats going on but have you as some sort of plaything to satisfy her Western boyfriend urges.

Post by **Zaia** » 2004-01-08 12:26pm

Mr Flibble wrote:
Zaia wrote:Is this the same chick as before, Flib?
Yes.

Then I stick by what I said before, that she is unhealthy for you and manipulates you because you let her do so. I understand that you have strong feelings for her, but even if she were to change her mind and start going out with you, I think you'd find the reality of that situation to be a far cry from how you imagine it could be with her. And this doesn't even have anything to do with her family; this is merely by how she has treated you in the past. Again, PLEASE distance yourself from her, and if you lose her in the process as a "friend," so be it. I believe your emotions have clouded your vision so much so that you believe she is good for you in other ways when she truly is not. Please start spending more time with other people.

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2004-01-08 12:26pm

You owe it to yourself to live your own damn life. Frankly, I would try outright flirting with other girls and if she gets mad, just tell her outright that you're trying to find a girlfriend, and ask what problem she has with that. You never know, she might have hidden feelings, or else like having an emotional attention-giver about.

Bertie Wooster · Post by **Bertie Wooster** » 2004-01-08 12:41pm

Just tell her if she doesn't give you enough space and keeps acting catty like that, you're going to end up being celibate and as your friend, she wouldn't want that, would she?

She sounds fiesty so I say allude to the problem to her in a jokingly way.
When she starts up acting jealous and angry after you spent some time with another lady, you could say in a breezy, whiney way "oh, here it comes. My evil Auntie doesn't like that girl. Pleeeeeeeeasse Auntie Indian Girl, is it okay if i talk to that other girl, pluuuueeeeezzzeee???"

Or if she starts bitching about some other girl, you could say:
"Oh thats so cute, you're jealous of that other girl. Wow, that so weird. I actually find it endearing when you're catty like that. Here, have your cake. Oh, you want to eat it too????? Of course. HAHAHAHA"

So if she's going to act like a silly ass, treat her as a silly ass, but in a fun, caring way. She's you friend, except she's being a silly ass, so now she's your silly-ass of a friend. Poor thing.

Just don't act annoyed or bothered with her for being who she is. If she gets angry when you talk to another girl, you could turn it into a running joke between you two. Everyone has their foibles.

Zac Naloen · Post by **Zac Naloen** » 2004-01-08 12:55pm

i agree witrh zaia she's manipulating and useing you, she knows you like her, and she is using that as a lever in order to control you, the reason she gets angry is becaus she's afraid of losing your attraction towards her to someone else. She however is unlikely to have feelings for you beyond the control she has over you.

Distance yourself from her, and if necessary ignore her for a while, if she doesn't like it, tough, if she is going to be childish and get angry when you have other friends, you be childish and stop being her friend for a bit.

Also, talk to people you know, there may be something about her you don't see (clouded vision and all that) talk to people you know about it, as they know this girl, they may be able to give you some insight.

But again, i agree with zaia, this girl isn't good for you, no matter what your dick is telling you.

Mr Flibble · Post by **Mr Flibble** » 2004-01-08 02:12pm

First off, thanks all for the advice, I appreciate it. And to Stravo my sympathies.

Zaia wrote:Then I stick by what I said before, that she is unhealthy for you and manipulates you because you let her do so. I understand that you have strong feelings for her, but even if she were to change her mind and start going out with you, I think you'd find the reality of that situation to be a far cry from how you imagine it could be with her. And this doesn't even have anything to do with her family; this is merely by how she has treated you in the past. Again, PLEASE distance yourself from her, and if you lose her in the process as a "friend," so be it. I believe your emotions have clouded your vision so much so that you believe she is good for you in other ways when she truly is not. Please start spending more time with other people.

She has improved a lot since I last spoke to you about her. We had about a month or so break and in that time she seemed to have gotten over her ex and sorted herself out. We became closer friends again, and this time she was actually a friend back to me. Still being occasionally manipulative, but no moreso than I can be. we are also currently effectively having another 2 month break since she is at home in India, and so out of communication range.

She had a realoly tough year this year on top of the break up with her ex, and depression she also had to deal with bastard lectureres giving hr bad grades in one subject of her course on the grounds "she didn't seem to enjoy it" and on top of that a pregnancy scare. Given all that I am willing to cut her quite a bit of slack.

The jealousy stuff didn't really surface until just before she left and I still had exams at the time so it really didn't bother me at first since I had other things to concentrate on. But now that the new year has started, I want to get the situation more stable as I will probably be meeting some new people, and catching up with one girl that I may ask out. Essentially I want her to either change her mind (not gonna happen) or to find a way to get her to just back off a little and accept that I am going to find someone else, without her getting too hurt.

El Moose Monstero · Post by **El Moose Monstero** » 2004-01-08 02:16pm

What I did for this, (see Venting), was to ask if she had met anyone nice while she was back, she said yes, and started telling me all about him, she may have been trying to make me jealous, but I was just really supportive then casually dropped in the fact that I might have found someone else. Seemed to work, but it might not with you.

Uraniun235 · Post by **Uraniun235** » 2004-01-08 02:23pm

Last time it happened I just said hi to one of my friends I hadnt seen in ages, and she got really angry, was going to walk home alone at night.

I wouldn't take that shit from anyone, let alone just a regular friend. Why would you tolerate that kind of nonsense?

Lord Pounder · Post by **Lord Pounder** » 2004-01-08 04:37pm

How come people seem to accept racism from Asians and Muslims. If i was to say to a person "I can't date you, i'm white, you're not, we can't go out" he or she would call me a racist fucker and rightly so. Traditionalism is not an excuse for racism and biggotry.

Bertie Wooster · Post by **Bertie Wooster** » 2004-01-08 05:18pm

Lord Pounder wrote:How come people seem to accept racism from Asians and Muslims. If i was to say to a person "I can't date you, i'm white, you're not, we can't go out" he or she would call me a racist fucker and rightly so. Traditionalism is not an excuse for racism and biggotry.

Thats actually an issue which has interested me for a long time, since my cousin with whom I am very close was in a serious relationship with a first generation Indian guy with for 4 years, and his Indian background caused her a lot of headache.

She explained to me that within his family/social sphere she to a degree was looked down upon as flawed in terms of moral values for not being Indian, and that Indian men think their women are the most pristine in the world, and that Indians believe that there culture and value system is the most superior in the world, and thus are very clannish and almost separatist from the greater american society (at least in New Jersey). There was also a sense of ethnic pride among the Indians there that they wanted to prove themselves to be the most successful of ethnic groups in the U.S. and she conveyed to me that a common saying in that group was: "you never see any homeless people who are Indians." Basically, it's cultural elitism bordering on arrogance and I found it very disturbing. The strong sense cultural ethos ended up causing problems in the relationship because from my cousin's point of view, her boyfriend would not accept any ideas that were not already consistent with his worldview as an Indian.

Basically, she thought that her being a Filipino was being viewed by him and his society as a handicap and a negative attribute (she was referrred to in a fond way as chinky), and thus relationship ended.

I know many Indians who aren't clannish like that but I think Indians have a unique sense of ethnic identity in that regard.

As for the Arabic culture, I went out with an Arabic girl (Lebanese) a couple of years ago and she once non-chalantly mentioned that a female cousin of hers was ostracized by her family for going out with a black guy and I asked why, and she explained neutrally that its a bad taboo for an Arab to go out with a black person.

And then there's my Moroccon Uncle who liked to drive his BMW very fast because as he put it, he is a Berber (as opposed to Arabic) and Berbers don't crash. He crashed his car though.

I just find cultural jingoism odd and slightly disturbing at times.

Kamakazie Sith · Post by **Kamakazie Sith** » 2004-01-08 06:26pm

Mr Flibble wrote:I don't really like doing this, but I need advice from an outside and somewhat neutral source. I have been somewhat close with this girl over the past year, getting to the stage in the last few weeks she was in the country she wanted to see me everyday. Her friends were starting to think we were going out. However as far as she is concerned we are only friends, and doesn't want to go out with me. It is getting problematic in that it is interfering with some of my other friendships, as she gets quite jealous if I so much as talk to one of my other female friends. And she takes up so much of my time and attention it would be near impossible for me to find anyone else.

I think the major sticking point for her is that she is indian and her family and some of her friends would be completely against her going out with a non-indian. That and the situation is similar to her last relationship which ended pretty badly.

What I am asking is what would be the best way to handle this situation?

Let her know where her place is. Just can't act like your girlfriend when she refuses to be your girlfriend, however, if she does change her mind I would advise extreme caution. She sounds kinda pyscho.

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

I could use some advice.

I could use some advice.

Re: I could use some advice.