This ought to make you feel smarter.

[Tsyroc]

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would
not live forever! , because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
``````````````````````````````

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all
those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
``````````````````````````````

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
``````````````````````````````

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
``````````````````````````````

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
```````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
```````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
````````````````````````````````

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another"
--George Bush, US President
```````````````````````````````

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
`````````````````````````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
``````````````````````````````

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
````````````````````````````````

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
```````````````````````````````

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
`````````````````````````````

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
````````````````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[Singular Quartet]

We should always be disposed to believe that which appears white is
really black, if the hierarchy of the Church so decides.
-St. Ignatius Loyola, Spiritual Exercises

Little children who have begun to live in their mother's womb and
have their died, or who, having just been born, have passed away from
the world without the sacrament of holy baptism, must be punished by
the eternal torture of undying fire.
-St. Fulgentius

More than half the college students polled in three states, including
California, said they are creationists who believe that God created
Adam and Eve, while about one-third believe in aliens, Big Foot and
the lost city of Atlantis. ...The poll results, released yesterday by
Texas researchers, also indicated that students who believe in
creationism are less likely to read books, tend to be more
politically conservative and have a lower grade-point average than
students who dispute that God created Earth in six days. ...Last
fall, about 1000 students attending colleges in Texas, Connecticut
and California filled out detailed questionnaire on their beliefs.
...In Texas, 71 percent of students said they believe in the story of
Adam and Eve, while 51 percent in Connecticut and 47 percent in
California said they believed in the biblical first couple. An
average of 44 percent of the students in the three states said the
story of Noah's Ark is true. About one-third of all the students
surveyed believed that Big Foot, a hairy man- like creature reputed
to live in the mountains of northwest America, actuallyexists. An
equal number believed in the lost city of Atlantis, a legendary
island of advanced civilization that supposedly sank into the ocean.
Thirty percent of the students responding to the survey said aliens
from outer space visited Earth in ancient times. Overall, 37 percent
said they believed in ghosts, and 39 percent said it is possible to
communicate with the dead.
-San Francisco Chronicle, 3 November 1986 (UPI)

Families, when a child is born, want it to be intelligent. I, through
intelligence, having wrecked my whole life, only hope the baby will
prove ignorant and stupid. Then he will crown a tranquil life by
becoming a Cabinet Minister.
-Su Tung-p'o

For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
like.
-Abraham Lincoln

A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
lantern.