Alyrium Denryle wrote:I totally read that in Hedonism Bot's voice. [snip]
It'd be so much more funny that way.
He's actually a pretty okay customer. He always keeps me waiting, occasionally stands me up, and usually propositions me for something sex-related (he even found a redhead to try to do the used-condom thing with after I let slip that I prefer them to blondes, or just got the same girl to dye her hair red; money is like a superpower), so I don't answer his calls on busy nights, but he way overpays, takes lots of stupid rides to nowhere for Tindr/Grindr hookups and trivial shit (like buying poppers at a sex shop that he doesn't live next to so he doesn't see anybody he's hooked up with at the sex shop that he does live next to), and is kind of entertaining sometimes.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Alyrium Denryle wrote:You know... I do a really good Hedonism Bot...
Much funnier than the reality, as-predicted.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Me: "Here's that invoice summary for the Oil Field."
Bossman: "This is way to low, where's the driller's invoices?"
Me: "There are none, I told you that."
Bossman: "When was the last time they billed us?"
Me: "August."
Bossman: "This year?"
Me: "No, then I'd have to ask why they're sending us invoices 4 months in advance. August last year."
Bossman: "So, they haven't billed us in 8 months. I'll call them."
::minutes pass::
Bossman: "Ok, he said he'll get the invoices over. Should be around 30 grand."
Me: "That's more than I've billed the entire year to that project. How the Hell can they float 30K over 8 months?"
Bossman: "We float more than that for longer."
Me: "Not by choice!"
Bossman: "Hell Fen, they're so busy making money right now..."
Me: "Shit, tell them to forget the invoices, I'll bill whatever and we'll just pocket the money."
Bossman: "I don't think they'd go for that."
Me: walking off grumbling "Not like they'd notice. 30k.... run me a drilling rig... with hookers and blackjack."
Bossman: "What?"
Me: "nothing..."
Holy shit, while I'm writing this during my lunch break:
Bossman: "You're good at that google-stuff. Look up how I get me out of federal jury duty."
Me: blank stare.
Bossman: "Well...?
Me: "You could... shoot me.... two birds, one stone."
Lou Blonger built Silver City, which exists to this day, on that shit. Just sayin'.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
I can't take credit for the hookers and blackjack quip, as it's a reference to an old Futurama episode. As my boss loves Futurama, he would have got the reference.... had I not mumbled it as I walked away.
SOBER GIRL: I can't believe they towed my fucking car! I've parked in that lot literally a million times!
HAMMERED GUY: This is bullshit! I'm going to take a giant shit on their front steps, so they know what bullshit this is! I'm going to drop my pants and build a log cabin, right there! I'll shit with a sound like thunder! I'll dook like the Duke of Earl! And when they come out and step in it, they'll know they fucked with the wrong guy this time! [continues ranting at length]
[time passes]
HAMMERED GUY: Okay guys, I know I talked a big game back there, but the truth is I don't actually have to take a shit right now. I need us to pull together as a team now, because we are at war. We are warriors at war, and we need weapons. Who's got what we need? Who's got the weapons of ass destruction? Kelly?
SOBER GIRL: Don't look at me! I'm not even drunk, if you wanted to fling shit like a chimp you should've planned ahead better. I just want my car back.
HAMMERED GUY: Charlotte?
HAMMERED GIRL #1: I am strictly a morning pooper. You give me six hours of sleep and two cups of coffee and I'll drop a deuce that'll leave a crater, but right now I'm tapped out.
HAMMERED GUY: Driver? Been on the road for a while today?
YOUR DRIVER: [trying to stop laughing] I have no skin in this game, and their cameras have already seen my cab number. Nothing personal, guys.
HAMMERED GUY: Honey? I see you blushing and looking out the window. We've been married three years now. Have I ever let you down on anything that was really important to you?
HAMMERED GIRL #2: Goddamnit, Steve.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Dear customer who is a new papa: when I tell you we do not carry New Mama Bottom Spray we do not carry New Mama Bottom Spray. If you go to the pharmacist and ask if we carry New Mama Bottom Spray he or she will just call me, and I will say no, we don't carry New Mama Bottom Spray. When the pharmacist on duty tells you that, do not go to the store director and ask if we carry New Mama Bottom Spray. She will just call me and I will say no, we do not carry New Mama Bottom Spray.
In other words, we do not carry New Mama Bottom Spray.
Wandering around the store looking for another person to ask if we carry New Mama Bottom Spray will not magically make New Mama Bottom Spray appear on our shelves, in the back stockroom, or the loading dock.
A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory.Leonard Nimoy.
Now I did a job. I got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character so let me make this abundantly clear. I do the job. And then I get paid.- Malcolm Reynolds, Captain of Serenity, which sums up my feelings regarding the lawsuit discussed here.
If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich. - John F. Kennedy
There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)
Replace "ginger" with "n*gger," and suddenly it become a lot less funny, doesn't it?
-- fgalkin
I'd wager that even the guy himself doesn't really know; he's just fucking terrified of what she'll do if he comes back without it.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
One, the marketing definition: New Mama Bottom Spray is a soothing blend of witch hazel infused with natural essential oils to relieve soreness and promote healing for new mothers.
Two, the ingredient definition: New Mama Bottom Spray is overpriced witch hazel scented with various oils for cleaning a new mother's hemorrhoids, episiotomy, and vagina and helping to reduce swelling and irritation.
New Mama Bottom Spray about $15 for 4 ounces/0.18 liters. Name brand witch hazel is about $3.50/18 ounces/475ml, which is less than the cost of one ounce of New Mama Bottom Spray. Generic witch hazel is even cheaper. Better yet, it doesn't have potentially irritating essential oils. Frankly, a woman's hoo-ha doesn't need perfume. If there's an odor problem it's time to see a doctor, not a crunchy-granola store.
For some reason New Mama Bottom Spray seems to be requested by Japanese immigrants. I have no idea why, I don't recall any other group asking for it. They are quite persistent in asking for it, really sort of demanding it, but we just don't carry it at all.
A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory.Leonard Nimoy.
Now I did a job. I got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character so let me make this abundantly clear. I do the job. And then I get paid.- Malcolm Reynolds, Captain of Serenity, which sums up my feelings regarding the lawsuit discussed here.
If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich. - John F. Kennedy
Very rarely have I so sincerely regretted asking a question.
There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)
Replace "ginger" with "n*gger," and suddenly it become a lot less funny, doesn't it?
-- fgalkin
Speaking as a long-time professional driver / hemorrhoid sufferer (yes, the two are practically synonymous; remember that the next time you tip somebody who drove you), fuck that witch hazel shit. It's like a Tic-Tac for your asshole, when you actually need several ounces of Listerine.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Borgholio wrote:I've found that witch hazel does help with the soothing part but you do need medication after that to actually heal the things.
Yes, a soothing lozenge vs an actual cure. It's bad enough that I spent three bucks on trying the cheap version once; if somebody succeeded in selling me an ineffectual luxury brand with perfume I'd probably be doing life for murder right now.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Witch hazel is a native North American herbal remedy that has little chance of causing harm and is soothing for mild cases. Like most such remedies, it's efficacy is limited at best. I fully support more powerful methods should it not work.
Of course, there is somewhat a difference between pregnancy/minor surgery, which is limited time event that normal people will heal from in any case, vs. repeated and chronic insult to one's asshole such as cab drivers experience.
A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory.Leonard Nimoy.
Now I did a job. I got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character so let me make this abundantly clear. I do the job. And then I get paid.- Malcolm Reynolds, Captain of Serenity, which sums up my feelings regarding the lawsuit discussed here.
If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich. - John F. Kennedy
Kanastrous wrote:...and just like that I have abandoned my fantasy of driving a cab.
Yeah, sorry to ruin it, but in all honesty, if we're talking in purely quantitative rather than qualitative terms, my butt definitely hurts more often than my penis feels good at work, literally and figuratively.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
Kanastrous wrote:"It's like a Tic-Tac for your asshole,"
You should probably copyright that before someone's marketing department grabs it up for their next campaign...
*
* (c) Raw Shark @ Stardestroyer.net 2015
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
"Yeah, sorry to ruin it, but in all honesty, if we're talking in purely quantitative rather than qualitative terms, my butt definitely hurts more often than my penis feels good at work, literally and figuratively."
I think you may have landed on the ideal career-track-assessment metric, no matter -what- one wants to do with one's life...
I find myself endlessly fascinated by your career - Stark, in a fit of Nerd-Validation, November 3, 2011
HARD-DRINKING LONG-TIME REGULAR: [speaking very deliberately] Hi, can you take me to 16th and Harrison?
YOUR DRIVER: [name!] I haven't seen you since Superman was trying to steal your ride on Halloween! How've you- Holy fuck, man, what happened to you? You look like you got in a fight with Mike Tyson.
HARD-DRINKING LONG-TIME REGULAR: It's kind of complicated. I've got the story I've been telling people, and then there's what actually happened.
YOUR DRIVER: What actually happened?
HARD-DRINKING LONG-TIME REGULAR: I just slipped and ate shit on a dry street while I was walking home from the bar. I broke my ribs and my collar bone on the curb, and hit my head on the pavement. I woke up in the hospital and stayed there four days. They said my skull is fractured, I had to have surgery, I ruptured my ear drum, and I might have brain damage.
YOUR DRIVER: Damn, son. Good luck with that shit... So what have you been telling people happened?
HARD-DRINKING LONG-TIME REGULAR: I've been saying that I went sky-diving without a helmet and hit a flying duck.
YOUR DRIVER: [laughs!] Yeah, stick with that one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YOUR DRIVER: Okay guys, that'll be ten bucks.
DRUNK & STUPID #1: So what is it really..?
YOUR DRIVER: ... it's really ten bucks...
DRUNK & STUPID #1: But I thought we were supposed to get some kind of discount because there's two of us!
DRUNK & STUPID #2: Yeah! Everybody said it'd be way cheaper to take a cab if we split it!
YOUR DRIVER: [facepalm]
Last edited by Raw Shark on 2015-04-16 01:51pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? Y'know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! Y'know, I just do things..." --The Joker
I think that's where you then go, "Oh right, well it's five dollars from each of you."
I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who constantly says: "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a "more convenient season."
