Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Raw Shark]

Which part?

The fact that you tell stories about him on the internet, or that he is referred to as Hedonism Bot, complete with voice impression work?

He'd love all of that, too, probably more than I do, but I was thinking more of my mock explosion out of the closet becoming a perennial topic of conversation. I found out that he can do my voice (which sounds nothing like his) pretty well the other day...

[Alyrium Denryle]

Which part?

The fact that you tell stories about him on the internet, or that he is referred to as Hedonism Bot, complete with voice impression work?

He'd love all of that, too, probably more than I do, but I was thinking more of my mock explosion out of the closet becoming a perennial topic of conversation. I found out that he can do my voice (which sounds nothing like his) pretty well the other day...

... The Law of Conservation of Humor demands a voice sample so I can see about imitating your voice.

[Raw Shark]

Way too distinctive, sorry. Everybody at the company recognizes it instantly.

[Alyrium Denryle]

Way too distinctive, sorry. Everybody at the company recognizes it instantly.

You are talking to someone with the following repertoire:

George Takei
Yoda
Emperor Palpatine
Kermit (and the soviet version, Kremlit)
Gollum/Smeagol
Mrs Piggy
Hedonism Bot
Orson Wells/The Brain
Oliver Hiehuis (random, I know, but I worked with him for two years)
Validnyev the 93 year old gay ex-soviet (used to fuck with prank callers)
Elmo (and the evil version, Emperor Elmo)
C3PO
Dr. Johannes Heidrich, the german xenobiologist who's consciousness has been uploaded to a mechanical spider body
Admiral Akbar

and the calls of no less than 20 different species of frog and toad

That is just what I have tried and practiced.

All it takes is practice, unless you are an old-school Cylon or something.

[Raw Shark]

That just makes me more nervous; it's being linked to the work-related shenanigans I've documented here that concerns me, not doubt in your capabilities.

[Alyrium Denryle]

That just makes me more nervous; it's being linked to the work-related shenanigans I've documented here that concerns me, not doubt in your capabilities.

Oh I see. So if anyone ever stumbled across this particular board. Gotcha.

[Venator]

Wrap up all my field work, get home, start on the desk/computer work for the day. Junior team member calls.

(Paraphrased somewhat.)

Tells me that a friend of his called him with chest pains and had to go to hospital. Wanted to know if he could get his site visit rebooked so he could go look after her.
Me: "So is she okay right now? She's getting care?" (Thinking I would already have bailed if someone needed urgent assistance and I was closer than the ambulance somehow).
Him: "Yeah, she's at the hospital. Thought I might have to drive her but the ambulance got her there."
Me: "Okay, that's good. Is this your girlfriend, you said?"
Him: "Uhh, no. It's my ex. Haven't talked to her in a long time actually." (Last I heard he was in a long-term relationship currently).
Me: "... okay. Well, I'll talk to [Client Manager], but if she's at the hospital and in good condition it makes more sense for you to go over once you finish up."

[...]

Me: *Describes situation to Client Manager.*
CM: "We've pushed this client back already, if it doesn't get done this week... we're already booked up fully next week. Can't he just go over once he's done if it's nothing critical?"
Me: "That's what I told him, but I said I'd ask you for the sake of diplomacy. So, I've asked. Thanks."

I'm new at this whole management thing, but I think I played that correctly . How his girl is going to feel when he's home late after seeing his ex at the hospital, I'll probably find out tomorrow...

[Raw Shark]

Oh I see. So if anyone ever stumbled across this particular board. Gotcha.

Yeah, there was a time when I would've told the company to go fuck itself sideways for a nickel, but then they finally gave me the best contract and I don't want to lose it over a few laughs.

~~~~~~~~

CRAZY DRUNK BITCH: Why are you here!?

YOUR DRIVER: Um. My girlfriend lives here; I came over to fuck her. What's it to you?

CRAZY DRUNK BITCH: You shouldn't be here! You're a taxi! Taxis can't take up parking spots! I had to park three blocks away because of you!

YOUR DRIVER: Okay, first of all, this is a public parking space that doesn't have your name on it. Second, I got here first. Third, I am hardly the only person parked on your block, and some of them are parked like complete assholes with four-foot gaps, which I did not do. Fourth, I'd be leaving right now if you weren't standing there, and fifth you are really drunk and shouldn't even be driving.

CRAZY DRUNK BITCH: I am NOT! I can blow, can you!? I'm calling the cops!

YOUR DRIVER: [letting the obvious cheap shot slide like a hero of chivalry] I haven't broken any laws and you have. Does that really seem like a good idea?

CRAZY DRUNK BITCH: Fine, then I'm calling your company!

YOUR DRIVER: To tell them what, that I parked my cab legally? The night manager could use the laugh. Knock yourself the fuck out, jackass.

[PainRack]

Patient history
Me:So, how did you fall?
Patient in most resigned, guru voice replies : you see, I walk, then, I zing,bang,whoom....yeah.


It was either the most hilarious trolling I ever seen or God has a cruel and wicked sense of humour.

[Raw Shark]

NOT A CONVERSATION, BUT OBSERVED AT WORK:

GRINNING, INTENSE-EYED HOMELESS GUY: [holding a cardboard sign that reads] WILL KIDNAP YOUR EX FOR FOOD!

UPDATE: I witnessed two college girls taking selfies hugging this guy and handing him a slice of pizza, accompanied by thumbs-ups. Somebody has a dark sense of humor and a recent shitty break-up, genuine criminal intent, or both...

[Raw Shark]

DRUNK UBER DRIVER: So have you ever thought about driving for Uber?

YOUR DRIVER: No, not at all.

DRUNK UBER DRIVER: But Uber is so much better than driving a cab!

YOUR DRIVER: Why do you think so?

DRUNK UBER DRIVER: I make so much more money than you, you have no idea. I'm 22 years old, and I made 48 large last year.

YOUR DRIVER: Hey, good for you. Congratulations.

DRUNK UBER DRIVER: I'm not looking for your congratulations, I'm looking for your...

YOUR DRIVER: My...?

DRUNK UBER DRIVER: I don't get why you don't want to provide good customer service! Your tip is going down by the second!

YOUR DRIVER: How am I providing bad customer service? I'm taking you straight where you wanted to go and am pretending to ignore your hostile tone.

DRUNK UBER DRIVER: Well, you know, I'm the customer, and the customer is always right, right?

YOUR DRIVER: So I'm providing bad customer service because I disagree that I should switch teams? You can't accept a business rivalry while patronizing the rival business?

DRUNK UBER DRIVER: You're a hypocrite! You just defend your company.

YOUR DRIVER: How is that hypocritical? I question whether you know what the word means. How have my actions contradicted my words?

DRUNK UBER DRIVER: [paraphrased stammering] I.. um.. ah.. I don't really have any actual fucking clue really but you're still wrong and fuck you and.. um..

YOUR DRIVER: Yeah, that's what I thought. Here's your stop. That'll be nine bucks.

[Raw Shark]

ANGRY DRUNK GIRL: Don't stop in front of me! Fuck off! I'm never taking a taxi again! I'm waiting for Lyft, so just keep moving! Do you hear me!? I said fucking drive, asshole!

YOUR DRIVER: [rolls down window] I stopped for that red light, dumbass.

[Borgholio]

For those who don't know, I work tech support for a medical company. 90% of our tech support requests come from customers who call us on the phone. The other 10% are a mix of online chat and email support. Today, I have to change that to 9.9999% online chat and email. I hold in my hand right now, a tech support request that was sent to us via snail mail. This...this is just wrong.

[Venator]

For those who don't know, I work tech support for a medical company. 90% of our tech support requests come from customers who call us on the phone. The other 10% are a mix of online chat and email support. Today, I have to change that to 9.9999% online chat and email. I hold in my hand right now, a tech support request that was sent to us via snail mail. This...this is just wrong.

I bet they expect you to have a filing cabinet and archive it as proof of the communication received, too, not realizing that time-stamped emails have been a thing since the 1990s.

But really... what? My girlfriends' IT office has sent out access codes by snail-mail because they handle Highly Confidential Shit (health records), but a tech support ticket?

[Napoleon the Clown]

For those who don't know, I work tech support for a medical company. 90% of our tech support requests come from customers who call us on the phone. The other 10% are a mix of online chat and email support. Today, I have to change that to 9.9999% online chat and email. I hold in my hand right now, a tech support request that was sent to us via snail mail. This...this is just wrong.

Sometimes even the Amish need tech support, and they're typically discouraged from using computers and telephones. Snail mail is all they really could use, in such a case.

Yes, I am joking.

[Kanastrous]

Are responses to Amish tech-support requests made in archaic English?

"Check the seating of thy RJ-11 cable within thine wall jack. Shouldst thou find it insecurely seated, firmly insertest it into thy receptacle and tryeth thine connection, again."

[Elheru Aran]

Amish would be more likely to use Pennsylvania Dutch if anything. They know modern English perfectly well as far as I know, but they might be a little light on technical terms...

[Kanastrous]

How very disappointing.

[Borgholio]

For those who don't know, I work tech support for a medical company. 90% of our tech support requests come from customers who call us on the phone. The other 10% are a mix of online chat and email support. Today, I have to change that to 9.9999% online chat and email. I hold in my hand right now, a tech support request that was sent to us via snail mail. This...this is just wrong.

I bet they expect you to have a filing cabinet and archive it as proof of the communication received, too, not realizing that time-stamped emails have been a thing since the 1990s.

But really... what? My girlfriends' IT office has sent out access codes by snail-mail because they handle Highly Confidential Shit (health records), but a tech support ticket?

I don't really know WHAT he expected. He could easily have emailed us a description of the problem along with a screenshot or scan of his problem. Instead he printed out the error message he got and wrote a letter on company letterhead asking for help. I was sorely tempted to send him a return letter with troubleshooting steps instead of calling him.

We all thought it was funny as hell though. Some of the guys who were there for years didn't even believe me until I handed the thing to them.

[Broomstick]

Amish would be more likely to use Pennsylvania Dutch if anything. They know modern English perfectly well as far as I know, but they might be a little light on technical terms...

My experience of the Amish (remember, they live just down the road from me... OK, about an hour's drive) is that they speak perfectly typical White American English, Midwestern in the Midwest, a bit more Eastern in Pennsylvania, with expected dialects in between. They are quite familiar with much of the modern slang and even somewhat aware of pop culture even if they don't partake. They seem to pick up whatever technical jargon they require with no problem, though, of course, they are less likely to be using advanced tech.

The Amish do utilize some higher tech items, like solar power. If they take a job outside their community they are permitted to use whatever equipment their employer requires them to - so, if it's job-related, they can use a PC, pad, smartphone, whatever - and they will pick up the related jargon. The Amish also do not usually impose technological limits on medical technology as they place a premium on preserving life.

[Borgholio]

The easiest explanation anyone has ever given me about the Amish and their relation to technology is that they are not permitted to own it, but they are permitted to use it. So Amish will certainly use a hydraulic backhoe, bulldozer, computer, telephone (cell or regular) or any other kinds of technology...but they must simply borrow those tools from others rather than own them.

[Raw Shark]

EXTREMELY DRUNK GUY: I should've just waited for the bus.

YOUR DRIVER: Yeah, but it sucks to wait in the rain, right?

EXTREMELY DRUNK GUY: I can't believe how much this costs. It's like that thing goes up by $0.25/second!

YOUR DRIVER: We are on the highway...

EXTREMELY DRUNK GUY: Yeah, but why does it cost so much more than the bus?

YOUR DRIVER: Because the bus has one guy driving fifty people, and when you ride in a taxi you get the full attention of a driver just for you?

EXTREMELY DRUNK GUY: This is bullshit. I'm never doing this again.

YOUR DRIVER: Y'know, these are the kind of thoughts most people keep to themselves for the sake of etiquette.

EXTREMELY DRUNK GUY: Never again.

YOUR DRIVER: And faced with a direct accusation of rudeness, you double down. Okay, gloves off.

EXTREMELY DRUNK GUY: This is a total rip-off!

YOUR DRIVER: This is a luxury service, you dumb motherfucker. You want to ride in style, you take a cab. You want to be a sheep packed in with the other sheep on a truck, you ride the bus. You can afford both and it's your decision. I'm sorry that your weak, dumb ass chose to not wait in the rain, but that is not my fault and I do not deserve verbal abuse for your bad choices. Now, you either pay me or find out what happens if you don't.

EXTREMELY DRUNK GUY: Never doing this again!

YOUR DRIVER: Fuck you. Pay me.

[Broomstick]

The easiest explanation anyone has ever given me about the Amish and their relation to technology is that they are not permitted to own it, but they are permitted to use it. So Amish will certainly use a hydraulic backhoe, bulldozer, computer, telephone (cell or regular) or any other kinds of technology...but they must simply borrow those tools from others rather than own them.

Well, each Amish group has somewhat different rules, but my understanding is that they value community over convenience and won't accept new tech just for the sake of new. So, you don't talk to people on the phone, you talk to the people around you, and instead of calling someone you go see them in person. Now, in an emergency sure, use a phone (and some of their communities have set up emergency phones) but not in daily life.

The patterns of what they do and don't use often makes little sense to outsiders, but that's because the Amish have different priorities and values than the mainstream.

[Kanastrous]

"The easiest explanation anyone has ever given me about the Amish and their relation to technology is that they are not permitted to own it, but they are permitted to use it. So Amish will certainly use a hydraulic backhoe, bulldozer, computer, telephone (cell or regular) or any other kinds of technology...but they must simply borrow those tools from others rather than own them."

Somehow this reminds of the Orthodox Jewish women who obey the proscription concerning hair-vanity by shaving their heads...then wear high-end styled wigs. Gritted-teeth obedience to the letter of the law, while displaying absolute contempt for its spirit.

[Broomstick]

Well, the Amish do have rumspringa which, while not the Amish-gone-wild the media likes to portray it as, is a certain tolerance for adolescents bending some of the rules. Like getting a driver's license and tooling around in a borrowed car for awhile. That's supposed to stop when the young adult gets formally baptized into the church, of course, and it's not a license for debauchery, there are limits.

And the adult Amish also cheat from time to time. For goodness sakes, they're living human beings with all the flaws of any other humans. That's why their churches have a mechanism for asking forgiveness and making amends, promising to do better, and so forth. They have disagreements. They have criminals in their midst, drug addiction, mental illness, out of wedlock births, and all that other stuff. It's not necessarily contempt, sometimes it's just people being people while trying to adhere to a strict set of rules.