The travesty that is the D&D movie

ReinnResauq · Post by **ReinnResauq** » 2003-01-29 06:56pm

I happened to like D&D. It was so crappy it was good. I mean, you could tell the actors knew they were making a bomb. The acting was complete shit. It reminded me of a highschool play. The effects were stupid, the story was written in a similar style to "Head," a bunch of potheads recording themselves speaking while high.
But when compared to the popular fantasy out today (like The Fellowship of the Rings) a group that knows their making a complete pile of shit is a nice release from the self-righteous idiots who wrote, directed, and acted in Warner Brothers' latest attempt to destroy the genre it hates so much.
In any case, the dvd has a ton of special features about the history of D&D, particularly the history right around the WotC takeover.

Oh yeah, Mortal Kombat is one of the greatest martial arts movies ever. MK: Annihilation was really bad, though.

CmdrWilkens · Post by **CmdrWilkens** » 2003-01-29 08:47pm

This movie can almost be summed up by the stupidity of the queen's last line:

"I now declare you are all equal..."

WTF? I wasn't aware that you could wave a magic wand and declare all people equal, I mean...christ it was stupid to a degree I couldn't believe movies could sink to.

Crown · Post by **Crown** » 2003-01-29 09:31pm

Every time I hear about this movie I am reminded about this quote; Who was that bad actor that looked like Jeremy Irons?

Ahh, Classic Crown, classic.

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2003-01-29 09:33pm

RR, are you suggesting LOTR is bad?

Enforcer Talen · Post by **Enforcer Talen** » 2003-01-29 09:58pm

I hated the dnd movie. spent the entire time screaming at its stupidity in plot design.

http://www.brunching.com/dungeaonsanddragons.html good review here

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2003-01-29 10:17pm

Jeremy Irons... I really like how this guy acts (in real movies), but here he was just as bad as the majority. In fact he seems to be overacting on purpose.

I think that is the point. Evil magres like Profion have two archetypes(sp)

1. The quite brooding " One day I will have my revenge and kill all of you" evil mages like Raistlin, or Dalamar Argent.

2. The over the top "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH........BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH" Invader Zim type.

Profions character was designed to be over the top. Jeremy Irons did a very good job of portraying an over the top " look at me I am an evil nutcase" mage. The rest of the acting munched carpet.

Now the plot...in itself was ok. It would have been better if Profion wanted a demon control rod, but that is ok. It was executed poorly. The characters where two comical. Snails....oh snails...I wanted to kill him, I wanted to snapm his neck and cast disintegrate on his corpse. He was so incompetant! If the high level fighter/mage is attacking you, RUN! Dont attack him with a dagger.

Ripely(sp) MUST KILL! Sure he is good at dodging traps and picking locks, but honestly, The acting was so terrible, it wasnt the character, the acting just....AARRRGH

Mirina. I wanted to kill that stupid bitch. she can cast dimension door. That puts her around 7-8th level minimum. Why was she not casting fireball? For an 8th level mage she sure lacked attack spells. " hmm I am a mage and am being hunted by the crimson brigade, hmm what spells to pick....Will I need this fireball? no, magic missile? no. How about melfs acid arrow? no"[/quote][/code]

ReinnResauq · Post by **ReinnResauq** » 2003-01-30 12:50am

HemlockGrey wrote:RR, are you suggesting LOTR is bad?

I know I'm opening a can of worms, since so many people loved that movie. But no, I'm not suggesting LOTR was bad. I'm suggesting it was the worst movie ever. I know a lot of people disagree and right now, I really can't defend my position since I have avoided that movie for over a year and I intend to keep it that way (didn't hate the Two Towers, though, since I spent the entire movie staring at and thinking about my girlfriend, who is totally gorgeous).

Anyway, before the rampant flames start, could anyone tell me who played Marina? She, as far as I was concerned, was the best part of the movie because of her smooth, shapely...acting.

LT.Hit-Man · Post by **LT.Hit-Man** » 2003-01-30 12:54am

Vympel wrote:I just watched like ... 10 minutes of it (from the beginning, with the intent of watching it all!) until I could bear it no longer.

Honestly, it's movies like this, with their el cheapo production values, hackneyed, pathetic plots, even more hackneyed delivery, lacklustre soundtrack and annoying 'token black guy' sidekick ... just make we want to go to the home of whomever was responsible for this ... atrocity, and beat them senseless.

When they're making a film this bad, do they sit up in the middle of the process and realize: "dude- this movie is gonna SUCK ASS" or do they think they're making a good film?

This D&D. People like D&D. The storyline possibilities are broad and you have multiple worlds to play with. And they come up with this ... this .. shit?

Argh.

You got that right I mean what fuck where they thinking, that move sucked so bad that I just about snapped the tape in two
good thing I didn't do it other the movie shack that I rented it from would not be to happy

I hope who ever made this peice of shit moive loses all there hair for starters.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-01-30 09:37am

Perinquus wrote:Actually, if you want to know what I think the biggest problem with this movie was, it's the fact that the magic and fantasy is way overdone.

Think about it. Look at the Lord of The Rings movies. They follow the books pretty closely, and magic there is subtle and limited in what it can do. Sorcerers can't wave their hands and blot armies from the earth. In all the great old mythological stories, magic is also very subtle and rather limited. The only ones with that kind of world shaking magic are the gods themselves, and they seldom interfere directly in the affairs of men. Magic is more often talked about than seen. Look at Norse mythology in particular. Magic there is VERY subtle, often taking the form of curses that play out over generations and whose effects are not very overt at all.

The best fantasy movies follow this principle for the most part - LOTR 1 & 2, Conan the Barbarian, Excalibur, Dragonslayer and a few others. Magic is remote, and limited, and most people in those fantasy worlds would go their whole lives without ever seeing any. The effect of this is that magic is... well, magical. It's something extraordinary, marvellous and breathtaking when they finally see it. If you make it an aspect of everyday life, it becomes ordinary.

The other problem is it strains credibility too much.

When you have flying armadas of fire breathing dragons, armies of sorcerors acting like anti-aircraft (anti-dragon) artillery, and all the other showy, special effects wanking, over the top nonsense, it strikes viewers - even viewers who like fantasy - as unbelievably, inexcusably silly. For mainstream audiences, who are not into fantasy, it is simply unwatchable.

And as for Jeremy Irons... I have never seen an actor chew scenery so hard in my life. If you look closely, I think you can see teethmarks on some of the sets.

That's another good point.

Post by **Vympel** » 2003-01-30 10:02am

RedImperator wrote:
A lot of the time, they do. The problem is, once a studio has thrown $20,000,000 in your direction, it's considered bad form to go back to the studio head and say, "Look dude, this movie blows ass. Sorry about wasting all that cash." How a movie gets to be that bad in the first place is a complicated process. Unless it's an ego-trip production like Battlefield Earth was, usually it's studio meddling, having too many writers, not enough money, and bad directing.

Watch a bad movie with a good actor in it. Ever notice how a bad movie is usually compounded by the principal characters mailing in their performances? They know it sucks, and they've given up. Sometimes they know it sucks from the beginning, but they take it because they need the paycheck, sometimes the realize their agent screwed up and signed them on to a shit project (and even big name actors are very reluctant to walk out on a movie in mid-production unless they know the project will die forever without them--otherwise, the studio and director will blame them for everything that's gone wrong with the movie, not to mention legal liability the actor will probably be subject to and the blemish on his reputation).

An extremely useful reply. Thanks very much. See? RANTS do get you somewhere.

Utsanomiko · Post by **Utsanomiko** » 2003-01-30 10:05am

I remember hearing about rumors of a Forgotten Realms film in the works. Didn't get the details, just heard it on my usual NWN server.

I supplied them with my own cast list, something including Eric Roberts as the lead fighter, Danny DeVito, Madonna, and I forget who else I had in it and what their roles are.

I did have Chris Rock as a priest of a local temple of Illmater, accompanied by a wise-cracking halfling. "I'm talking 'bout the gods that made the black dragons the most evil dragons ever!"

RR: Usually outrageous claims demand alot of explanation and reasoning to back up, otherwise they either look like trolling or people think you're a crazy angry film-hater. I'll assume you're just a fanatic of the books for now.

Post by **Vympel** » 2003-01-30 10:10am

The review posted earlier had me in stitches. I just had to post it here.

Dungeons and Dragons
reviewed by The Self-Made Critic

I sharpened my +2 Pencil of Judgment, pulled out my Notepad of Wisdom (which gives my reviews a +3 clarity but often turns my fingers blue), shed my Cloak of Protection and settled comfortably in the Norrimbus Chair of Viewing to watch the newly released flick, Dungeons and Dragons.

I needed a Bag of Holding to contain all the vomit induced by this nauseating affront to motion pictures.

To say that Dungeons and Dragons is a bad movie does not begin to describe the amount of jaw-clenching, spasm-inducing pain a moviegoer must endure during even the opening prologue.

The story as it wishes it could be told: The empire is divided between Mages and commoners. The hot, new Empress with the bad accent wants to heal the kingdom and make everyone equal. Jeremy Irons doesn't like that idea, it gives him convulsions and makes him shout out every other word for no apparent reason, so he wants to get a magical rod to control red dragons and fight a war with Empress Don't-Speak-Just-Look-Pretty-in-Your-Chain-Mail, who has a rod which lets her control gold dragons. Two lowly thieves, a lowly dwarf and a lowly love interest set out in search of this magical rod.

Hilarity ensues.

To be honest, the plot makes as much sense as the rules involving the consumption of Iron Rations. I have no idea why they made a D&D movie with such a lofty "let's save the little people" plot. Most D&D games I can remember playing involved going into the cave, kicking the living crap out of a few kobolds, and coming out with booty. The loftiest goal we ever had was to keep from puking up our sour cream and onion ruffles.

The evil that is this movie has its roots in the worst script this side of a Scroll of Felching. I've seen infomercials more interesting and coherent than this piece of dung.

First rule of script writing - lay off the exposition:

"We must get the Rod of Savrille, which will allow us to control Red Dragons and therefore control the kingdom!"

"But where will we find the Rod of Savrille, which will allow us to control Red Dragons and therefore control the kingdom?"

"We must find the girl who is the apprentice to the mage in the tower - she knows where we can find the Rod of Savrille which will allow us to control Red Dragons and therefore control the kingdom!"

"But the girl who is the apprentice to the mage in the tower has disappeared. And with her, the knowledge of the whereabouts of the Rod of Savrille which will allow us to control Red Dragons and therefore control the kingdom!"

Second rule of script writing - people tend to sound stupid when they don't use contractions:

"We can not hold out any longer! I do not think that the foes that we are fighting will be able to be defeated! We should not wait for their attack!"

Third rule of script writing - lay off the unpronounceable names:

"Empress Savina of The Empire of Izmer, the Mage Profion is after the Rod of Savrille, and he will have his henchman Damodar search the deadly maze of the Thieves Guild at Antius to find it!"

The movie is set in a fantasy world that is entirely cgi created. And they spent a lot of money on building this world inside the computer, so they sure as hell are gonna make sure to show you EVERY INCH of their little cgi world.

PAN ALONG EAST SIDE OF EMPRESS' TOWER

Empress: I am worried about getting the Rod of Savrille which will allow me to control red dragons.

PAN DOWN WEST SIDE OF TOWER, ACROSS RIVER OF FIRE TO BRIDGE

Thief: We should rob the magic school! It will be great!

PAN ACOSS RIVER OF FIRE UP THE TOWER OF THE MAGIC SCHOOL

Mage: This scroll will tell us where to find the Rod of Savrille which controls red dragons!

PAN DOWN SIDE OF TOWER OF MAGIC SCHOOL AND UP EAST SIDE OF EMPRESS' TOWER

Empress: I could use a bath.

You get the idea.

But far be it for me to imply that the script is the only problem in this tub of putrescence. No one in this movie can act. Even actors who have shown the ability to act in the past come off as convincing as Schwarzenegger in a dress. Jeremy Irons is the bad guy. He's evil because he grimaces and snarls a lot. Bruce Payne is his transsexual henchman in lipstick. He's evil because he spits out his words like he's in some kind of stop motion experiment. Marlon Wayans is a good guy. He's good because he flitters about like hyena juiced up on caffeine. There's the good chick lollipop who's one of the good guys because she gasps a lot in surprise.

I could go on, but this review has to end sometime.

Basically, any movie is in bad straits when everyone in the audience is disappointed that a Wayans brother has died.

The director spent ten years of his life getting this movie made, he couldn't have taken another week or so to get a decent script? Hell, this was Dungeons and Dragons, any thirteen year-old geek could have written him something more exciting by playing the damn game and writing down what happened!

When you spend ten years of your life on a movie, you want to come out with Gandhi, Spartacus or Gone With the Wind. Ten years and all you have to show for it is a movie that makes Krull look like an academy award winner means you suck, and you need to go pump gas for a living.

Dungeons and Dragons gets 1/2 of a Babylon, saved from a score of zero by some cool cgi dragons at the end.

Did I mention I love bad reviews? Especially bad reviews of films and games.

Utsanomiko · Post by **Utsanomiko** » 2003-01-30 10:23am

LOL, reminds me of badmovies.org.

He's right, though. Any average D&D session has a better plot abd dialogue than that.

ReinnResauq · Post by **ReinnResauq** » 2003-01-30 04:57pm

Darth Utsanomiko wrote:
RR: Usually outrageous claims demand alot of explanation and reasoning to back up, otherwise they either look like trolling or people think you're a crazy angry film-hater. I'll assume you're just a fanatic of the books for now.

I am a crazy angry film-hater, I guess. I haven't liked any of the new movies coming out, especially the ones that are serious. Chances are if the movie bombed, I liked it, such as with D&D. The last big budget movie I really liked was Spider-Man (Star Wars was good, but I'm of the generation that prefers it on the small screen, so I didn't like AotC until I bought it in November).

And no, I haven't even read the trilogy. The Hobbit was too much for me...probably the single reason I hated LotR most, that it had a character I spent two months actively wishing harm to. Bilbo must die.

Isil`Zha · Post by **Isil`Zha** » 2003-01-30 05:20pm

The Dark wrote:
Coaan wrote:
Ro Jo-Mu wrote:Final Fantasy wasn't bad
Didn't really have uh...-anything- to do with the game though
Yeah, but none of the games have anything to do with each other, so it fits the FF pattern perfectly .

It didn't have any kind of magic or summons or the one thing common with all of them.. SWORDS, instead it was set in the future.

Don't get me wrong, I thought it was a decent movie, too bad it doesn't have any similarties with Final Fantasy at all, just the name.

Utsanomiko · Post by **Utsanomiko** » 2003-01-30 05:23pm

ReinnResauq wrote:I am a crazy angry film-hater, I guess. I haven't liked any of the new movies coming out, especially the ones that are serious. Chances are if the movie bombed, I liked it, such as with D&D. The last big budget movie I really liked was Spider-Man (Star Wars was good, but I'm of the generation that prefers it on the small screen, so I didn't like AotC until I bought it in November).

And no, I haven't even read the trilogy. The Hobbit was too much for me...probably the single reason I hated LotR most, that it had a character I spent two months actively wishing harm to. Bilbo must die.

Wow, a film-hater and yet a low-brow entertainment person. I didn't know your kind survived past the Great Depression.

kheegster · Post by **kheegster** » 2003-01-30 06:45pm

Ahh...all I know is that it was so bad it is safely repressed out of my memory...

Dahak · Post by **Dahak** » 2003-01-30 06:59pm

At which point in an actors career does he decide that he just plays anything for the money?

It's like David Warner, popping up in almost every conceivable tv series/movie/whatever...

Bug-Eyed Earl · Post by **Bug-Eyed Earl** » 2003-01-31 12:40am

"LET THE BLOOD RAAAIIIN ACROSS THE SKYYYYYYYY!"

Slartibartfast · Post by **Slartibartfast** » 2003-01-31 01:24am

Alyrium Denryle wrote:Now the plot...in itself was ok. It would have been better if Profion wanted a demon control rod, but that is ok. It was executed poorly. The characters where two comical. Snails....oh snails...I wanted to kill him, I wanted to snapm his neck and cast disintegrate on his corpse. He was so incompetant! If the high level fighter/mage is attacking you, RUN! Dont attack him with a dagger.

His death was so badly written it didn't make any sense. Ok, the bad guy has him, and is threathening to kill him, but then the comic relief takes the map and drops it on the floor. Obviously to the bad guy that's the worst kind of aggression possible! He had to be punished, he got the map all dirty and stuff! So he killed him.

Mirina. I wanted to kill that stupid bitch. she can cast dimension door. That puts her around 7-8th level minimum. Why was she not casting fireball? For an 8th level mage she sure lacked attack spells. " hmm I am a mage and am being hunted by the crimson brigade, hmm what spells to pick....Will I need this fireball? no, magic missile? no. How about melfs acid arrow? no"

Actually she was sooo low-level that she didn't have ANY magic of her own, at ALL. All she could do was wave her magic ring or throw magic powder.

ReinnResauq · Post by **ReinnResauq** » 2003-01-31 01:39am

Darth Utsanomiko wrote:
Wow, a film-hater and yet a low-brow entertainment person. I didn't know your kind survived past the Great Depression.

Low-brow? A lot of the films that have bombed have done so because they were too intelligent, like "How to Kill Your Neighbor's Dog." That movie was too quick-witted for the general public and as such, it made little money. If anything, I would contest that most of the big money makers are the low-brow stuff. Spider-Man, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings (even South Park: BLU), the plot lines are designed for the bottom up. You can find deeper meaning if you wish, but you don't have to be smart to enjoy it, unlike "How to Kill Your Neighbor's Dog" or some other smart comedy, like "Being John Malkovich."

And as for the movies like D&D, which were just stupid, I like them because they're funny. When there is acting on par with Jr. High students and props that rival a first edition Windows box in terms of completion, who couldn't laugh?

Or maybe I should just stop watching late night reruns of The Critic.

Utsanomiko · Post by **Utsanomiko** » 2003-01-31 01:50am

I probably meant low-key, come to think of it.

Then again, I could easilly say that you can find deeper meaning in your films if you wish, but you don't have to be intelligent to like them.

Alot of people who read Tolkein's work and saw the effort put into the films would greatly disagree with your 'low-brow' assesment, to say the least.

And in my experience, most films that sucked were either poorly made or were unenjoyably stupid, regardless of how shallow or deep they injected theme or 'greater meaning' into them.

EDIT: You probably should stop watching The Critic, as well. Most episodes (or even 5 minute spans) started with a joke and dragged it out too long, too thin, and too often to have any depth to its humor.

Korvan · Post by **Korvan** » 2003-01-31 02:33am

I read a review that summed up the movie in one sentence, "DnD the movie failed its saving throw against sucking ass." I went into the movie knowing it was going to be bad, I just didn't realise how bad it could get.

If I was going to hide an all powerful rod in a dungeon, I might add a few monsters to guard it. If I knew that a film was going to be made in my dungeon, I'd definatly stock it with the coolest monsters I could find.

I would not leave my treasure room unguarded and have the one and only trap in the dungeon actually deposit the hero unharmed directly in the middle of my treasure room.

I think if I spent the rest of life searching the internet, I could not find a DnD fan film that was worse. My grandma could make a better DnD movie and she's been dead for two years.

Utsanomiko · Post by **Utsanomiko** » 2003-01-31 02:36am

Hell, from what I've been reading, that one role-playing episode of Reboot was more imaginitive and better-made than this drivel.

Actually, that's not saying alot. That episode was kinda cool in some ways...

Rathark · Post by **Rathark** » 2003-01-31 05:44am

Perinquus wrote:When you have flying armadas of fire breathing dragons, armies of sorcerors acting like anti-aircraft (anti-dragon) artillery, and all the other showy, special effects wanking, over the top nonsense, it strikes viewers - even viewers who like fantasy - as unbelievably, inexcusably silly. For mainstream audiences, who are not into fantasy, it is simply unwatchable.

I agree with what you said about LOTR. D&D never allowed the viewer to suspend disbelief for one heartbeat because the acting and dialogue was so ... ugh.

However, if Julian May's "Saga of the Exiles" is ever dramatized in any way (an unlikely prospect), this is the sort of magnitude you would be seeing up on the screen - with hopefully far superior production values. It would feature hundreds of jewel-armoured mounted knights on levitating chalikotheres (prehistoric horselike animals with claws), tens of thousands of goblin-like aliens that could shapeshift into the freakiest possible illusiory forms (giant insects, skinless centaurs, wingless dragons), firebolts that could burn bodies to cinders, and a thousandfold concerted attack on a rogue nutcase with megaton-scale powers.

Let's forget the hopeless delivery of D&D and concentrate purely on the raw subject matter. Could any writer or director possibly bring this imagery to life in a convincing way?

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

The travesty that is the D&D movie

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Re: The travesty that is the D&D movie