Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[Ryan Thunder]

Patient: "I just don't see why I should have to feel pain."

Oh, man. I know its stupid, but you're going to have to live with that attitude. I had the same issue when I had my wisdom teeth out, and I'm sure that's nothing by comparison.

Oh, and my attitude prior to that was similar to yours.

I don't have any particularly amusing lines, but my boss really is an idiot.

[Kanastrous]

Motion Picture/Television Art Direction and Visual Effects:

waiting around near a cliff around Pacific Palisades, with a huge miniature bridge upon which runs a miniature train, all rigged with pyro and explosive bolts, counting down to sunset which is when we plan to blow everything for the benefit of some half-dozen high-speed cameras positioned for coverage. Roughly $1 million tied up, in the setup.

fifteen minutes to go

suddenly - thud. THUD! THUD THUD ->BOOM<-! thud

- pitter patter of falling debris, followed by absolute sepulchral dead silence -

um...were we rolling on that...?

[Knife]

Patient: "I just don't see why I should have to feel pain."

Oh, man. I know its stupid, but you're going to have to live with that attitude. I had the same issue when I had my wisdom teeth out, and I'm sure that's nothing by comparison.

Oh, and my attitude prior to that was similar to yours.

I don't have any particularly amusing lines, but my boss really is an idiot.

Wasn't me man, was the patient. This particular person felt they had the RIGHT not to feel pain, what ever the fuck that is.

[Kanastrous]

Part of the same Bill of Rights that covers the Right to Drive, the Right to Consume, and the Right to Never Be Offended.

Belief in those Rights appears very widespread.

[Tiriol]

Security guard situation.

I had just few hours ago removed an invited guest who had kept harassing female guests because he was so goddamn drunk and was apparently suffering from "NOBODY CAN DENY ME ANYTHING, I'M A FUCKING SWEDISH HOCKEY PLAYER!", which I think he actually said (not sure, he mumbled a lot). The man was a head taller than me and much more heavily built. Fortunately he was the type of person who will bully anyone who doesn't do anything but will leave if someone confronts him. I'm doing my inspection round in a museum which just hosted a big celebration for both its anniversary and the opening of a new exhibition. The museum personnel had left and everything was supposed to be quiet, since no guest is allowed to stay on the exhibition floors without supervision. Then I hear someone speak. And lo! There are two guests, a man and a female, enjoying an exhibition all by themselves.

Me: "Good evening. I'm sorry but the party is over and the exhibition floors are closed. Please leave."

At this point I'm still speaking Finnish. Then they answer me in Russian (I recognized few words and also the accent). I repeat myself in English.

Man: "Oh, don't worry, we're guests. We can stay here."

Me: "No you can't, sir. Without museum personnel here, no one can stay in the exhibition area. I have to ask you to leave right now before the doors are locked."

Man: "But we were invited, everything's OK. There's an afterparty here."

Me: "Sir, there is NO afterparty here. The museum personnel, both the floor guards and office staff, have left or are leaving, as have the other guests."

Man: "But we have a permission."

Me: "We have not been informed of such permissions. You have to leave now."

They look at me angrily, but they do leave, although I have to follow them for a short time, since they tried to hide behind a wall. They finally leave. Fortunately, the supervisor of the musem personnel was still there and she handled them without a fuss. She did wonder why two guests had arrived to the cloakroom separately and she was quite surprised when I told her the story. I did get personal thanks from her, though. The duo had delibarately avoided the museum guards so that they could stay behind to watch the exhibition without permission; fortunately, the security guards have a habit of making inspection rounds and don't allow ANYONE to stay unless we are specifically informed.

[Kanastrous]

Was he *really* a Swedish Hockey Player, or was he just so drunk that he thought he was one?

[Tiriol]

Was he *really* a Swedish Hockey Player, or was he just so drunk that he thought he was one?

Hard to say if he was a professional hockey player or not; but apparently he had spoken about hockey all day long until he decided to move on to better pursuits, i.e. harassing women and trying to order more alcohol.

[Edward Yee]

I don't know the customer or when it was, but I heard that one guy walked into my local EB Games and asked the manager how he could pirate games, because said guy couldn't afford said games, then got mad at the manager who pointed out the obvious fact that EB Games is a video game store...

Oh yeah and if someone walks in, asks if we sell DVDs, and then leaves when we say no? Look out the window and see where they go...

[Enigma]

I don't know the customer or when it was, but I heard that one guy walked into my local EB Games and asked the manager how he could pirate games, because said guy couldn't afford said games, then got mad at the manager who pointed out the obvious fact that EB Games is a video game store...

Oh yeah and if someone walks in, asks if we sell DVDs, and then leaves when we say no? Look out the window and see where they go...

Funny enough, the EB games stores here in Ottawa do sell DVDs, just not the current ones.

[Edward Yee]

My local EB Games sells both new and used UMDs, but that's it for films other than whatever might be bundled with a game. And if they ask for "romantic films"...

[Maxentius]

(After forwarding an editorial to my boss) Me: I am ashamed of the event details. I don’t think I’ve ever written anything so sensationalized and ham-handed in my life. This must be what it feels like to write for GOAG.
Her: You do realize you culled your information from “editorial” that used the phrase “brilliantly electrified” about something that was neither an exploding lightbulb or the sun.
Me: I’d bring up an anecdote about Benjamin Franklin and a kite, but frankly I don’t think most promoters know who he is, $100 bills aside.

[AMT]

IT Manager for US Govt. Office:

Nothing specific just yet, but here are some fun ones I get once a week:

Them: "The copier isn't working. I put the paper in the side and nothing came out."

Me: "Which Copier is it?"

Them: "The one by the Admin Assistant's desk."

Me: "That's one of our printers." (Usually said to the same person more than once. In addition, the asset tags on them SAY Copier or Printer)

Them: "...Oh. So that's why when the paper came out it had stuff copied over my stuff?"

Me: "....Yes."
---------------------

Them: "My password/email/etc. isn't working."

Me: "Did you check your caps/num lock?"

Them: "....No."

Me: "...."

And so on. It's not easy to be the IT guy in an office whose average work age is 55.

[Edward Yee]

For the latter, is it supposed to be obvious that passwords are case-sensitive?

[White Haven]

Small-business computer tech:

(Customer brought in a mini-laptop that's loaded with viruses)
Customer: Do you sell software that'll let me stop my kid from going to bad websides?

Me: No, I'm afraid I don't carry that.

Customer: Do you know someone who does?

Me: No, not locally at least.

Customer: (Rambling anecdote about how his kid admitted to having gone to 'some sites')

<Interlude where we fix the computer>

Me (On phone): Hi, this is Ben calling from Unitek Computers, just calling to let you know that your system is ready for you.

Customer: Oh, great...hey, do you sell something to let me block my kids from going to certain sites?

It's times like that that I wonder why I even bother being friendly and knowledgeable with customers. They won't remember a goddamned thing I say, after all.

Oh, and this one was fun:

Customer in a business suit: Hi, do you sell...I guess they're called keyloggers?

Me: No, and even if I could get them, I wouldn't sell something that wildly unethical.

(Sure, that had the chance of getting me in hot water, but I was taken waay off-guard by that clown. What the fuck does this look like, the Stasi Superstore?)

[LadyTevar]

*takes a death certificate over to show my supervisor. It is completely filled out, all the stuff that's supposed to be on there including doctor's signature -- but no Cause of Death. Which the doctor is supposed to fill out, and the Funeral Home should have noticed was MISSING.*

me: Can I call them and tell them I'm sending it back?
her, looking over the certificate: No, you can't call them just to bug them. Use the letter we're supposed to send with them.
me, muttering as I walk away: Can I at least tell them "Here's your sign"?
Her, snickering: No, we can't tell them that either. No matter how much we want to.
me, filling out letter, -politely- suggesting the funeral home makes sure the doctor completes cause of death: Can I...
Her, interrupting: NO.
me pouts.

[Maxentius]

Oh God, Tevar's post just reminded me of something that happened while I was working for the Queens Chamber of Commerce.

The CoC sends out plaques bi-annually or something to chamber members that donate excessively and host events, that sort of thing.

One year we accidentally sent the plaque for a funeral home to the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

[Alyeska]

IT Helpdesk for a Bank

Me: Please right click on my computer.
User: Ok
Me: Do you see where it says computer name?
User: No
Me: What do you see?
User: This is just My Documents
(shakes head)
Me: Ok, close out of that. Now right click on My Computer.
User: Ok
Me: Now what do you see?
User: Something about network connections and My Network Places
(starts giving my computer monitor the finger)
Me: (sighs) Close out of that. Now this time please right click on the My Computer icon. Good. Do you see the General and Computer Identification tab?
User: No, it just reads Display properties and screensaver
Me: (Mutes phone and starts swearing) Ok, close out of that. This time you need to right click on my computer. Do you see the tabs?
User: No, just Local Disk C, Floppy Disk, and CD-Rom)
Me: (hangs head in disgust) Ok, right click on my computer. Do you see it? No, not Local Disk. Right click, right click, look, please just right click. (At this point the user had been right clicking then instantly left clicking on open without telling me).

After spending ten fucking minutes on the phone with this stupid woman I finally get the computer name out of her. 10 minutes to solve a 2 minute problem. And she got indignant with me for treating her like she doesn't know anything about computers. Every time she calls and I get her, I feel like throttling her to this day.

[Wicked Pilot]

Captain Dumbass: "Hey, this is Captain Dumbass, I'm the AC for the Birmingham mission. I just called to ask what time you guys needed the plane back."

Me: "What? Are you kidding? Yeah just bring the jet back by seven. Here're the keys, you boys have a good time, just make sure to fill 'er up before you're done."

<awkward pause>

Me: "Or how about you fly the goddamn frag we built for you."





(frag=military slang for flight schedule, among other things)

[Edi]

After spending ten fucking minutes on the phone with this stupid woman I finally get the computer name out of her. 10 minutes to solve a 2 minute problem. And she got indignant with me for treating her like she doesn't know anything about computers. Every time she calls and I get her, I feel like throttling her to this day.

That's most users. I assume they are all idiots unless they prove otherwise and I'll tell them what to do in a language you would normally use with an 8 year old. If the stupid ones who know nothing get indignant about that, I'll just tell them that we can either do it my way or no way or we'll be all day on the phone on their dime.

One of the good things here is also that if a customer gets abusive and starts flinging shit, the conversation immediately becomes

Me: Nobody here is obligated to listen to this kind of language. Please call back when you can muster a more civil tone.
*click*

[Thanas]

Setting: Course about the roman empire
Topic: Augustus as the heir of Caesar

I notice a student shifting in her seat and ask her if anything's wrong.
Her: Who's Caesar?
Me: And you thought it a good idea to study history with that sort of profound knowledge?

[Kanastrous]

Please tell me this wasn't an undergraduate student.

Please tell me that for some reason you're teaching this course to kindergartners.

[Ryan Thunder]

Please tell me this wasn't an undergraduate student.

Please tell me that for some reason you're teaching this course to kindergartners.

Yeah, like who is this Ceasar guy, anyways? I keep hearing things about him. Ridiculous things. Who does he think he is?

(joking obviously)

[Kanastrous]

He was the first talking chimpanzee, who escaped enslavement and began the Battle for the Planet of the Apes.

Don't they teach you people anything?

[Knife]

A personal favorite of mine;

Patient: "I'm getting tired, is there anyway I can get my sleeping pill? I don't want to fall asleep before I get my sleeping pill."

Me: "Er...if you can sleep without the drugs, you should do so."

[ray245]

Setting: Course about the roman empire
Topic: Augustus as the heir of Caesar

I notice a student shifting in her seat and ask her if anything's wrong.
Her: Who's Caesar?
Me: And you thought it a good idea to study history with that sort of profound knowledge?

Did that girl really expect to learn about basic in University?

A lot of people, usually among the girls that I know, expect to learn everything from others as compared to reading things up by themselves.

Take my debate club for example, most of the girls in my debate club expects the guys in their team to explain what is that motion about in 10-30 minutes of preparation time.

Girls tend to be stronger in regards to application of that knowledge, as compared to guys, who tend to focus on gathering facts and data.