StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Because I have some more...

A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my GOD!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?"
"The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within minutes."
"Oh, that's terrible," said the woman. In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient.
OH my GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be justified?"
The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."

At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne. A lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed, and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes; the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for "action."
They "unite as one." All goes well; Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again, he is ready for "action."
Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless willing, Lou Anne consents to more "conjugal bliss." When the love-birds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but Morris is back again, rapping on the door, as fresh as a 25-year old. ready for more passion. Once again, they enjoy one another.
But as Morris prepares to leave again, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."


Zeke and Clem are sittin' on the front porch, 'bout sundown, just takin' it easy when Zeke notices Clem's old coonhound taking a mighty selective bath. The old dog had spent 'bout five minutes just lickin' on his balls. Zeke turns to Clem and says "Damn, I wish I could do that!"
Clem looks Zeke right in the eye and says "That dog would bite you....."


A man and his wife, both living in Britain, had been wanting to move to Australia for a long time as this is where the husbands family live and where he grew up, nowadays imigration to Australia, as it is with many countries is quite strict and so they had a long wait for there interview with the imigration office.
Finally they got there interview and both very nervous after many questions were asked there came the "do you have a criminal record?"
to which the husband relpied "I didn't realise you still needed one?!"

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well. maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."


A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"
Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."
He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?


A ancient old doddery infirm geriatric old biddy goes into a sex shop. She says to assistant, " Doooo youuuu haaaave aaaa siiiix teeeen iiiinch vvvvibbbraaator pleeease."
Yes of course madam, how can I help you?
"Caaaan yooooo teeeellllll meee hooooow toooo tuuuurn iiiit oooooff pleeeeease?"

i know this is bad but it was funny since our EE tutor, who´s actually a nice guy in his mid 50ies, but a dumbass, told it to us today.

Q: what´s the worst thing that can happen to stevie wonder?

A: if you move the furniture in his living room


after that he continued to tell bad jokes, most of them stevie wonder jokes, while no one was laughing except for himself.

Typical macho man married typical good-looking girl and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"


A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late - doing what?" he said.
"Getting a second opinion!"


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!'"

Keep them coming here.

Horrible, but hilarious.

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed: "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!"
The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."


there was a young vampire named mable
whose periods where really quite stable
and every full moon
she'd get out a spoon
and drink herself under the table


There is a man sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has eaten a few when the woman opposite says "Would you mind not doing that, it’s disgusting to watch".
He says "Listen love, its got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train" and carries on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finishes the bag and settles back to have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting - all the man can hear whilst he is trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of the needles. After about 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman "Could you stop that noise - can't you see I'm trying to sleep".
"It's got nothing to do with you", replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabs the woman's knitting and throws it out of the window. The woman gets up and pulls the communication cord.
The man says "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!"
The woman replies "And you'll get 6 years when the police smell your fingers!"


Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a N.Y. country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the old cow was killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow."

A man walks into a bar one night, goes up to the bar, and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
"That's right." The barman replied.
So the guy glanced over at the menu, and asked, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replied the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?"
"Four cents," the barman said.
"Four cents?! Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replied, "Upstairs with my wife."
"What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender smiled. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."


After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director to his face."
"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Remind you of anyone?

One day a mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

A recent college grad, Bill, has a great job, a great car, and a great, beautiful girlfriend who he's recently asked to marry. She's smart, funny, and intelligent, too, so she has the whole package.

Except for one problem; her mom is even more beautiful than she is, despite being in her late forties. Even worse, she routinely comes on to Bill constantly, sometimes very aggressively.

A week after proposing to his girlfriend, Bill receives a call from the mother, inviting him to come over to her house and start planning the wedding. Bill gets into his car and drives over to the house.

When he arrives there, he is surprised to see that neither his fiancee nor his future father-in-law are at the house. Instead, he find the mother dressed up in sexy lingerie. She tells him that she hasn't been able to stop thinking about him, and before he gets married to her daughter she has to take him to bed one time and have wild, uninhibited sex with him. She tells him that she will go up to her room and wait for him, if he is interested. Bill stands still for about a minute, thinking. He then turns around, and walks towards the door. When he opens it, lo and behold, his future father-in-law is waiting for him with a smile on his face. "Congratulations, sonny, you passed the test," he says. "Welcome to the family, we couldn't have found a better man for our daughter!"

Moral of the story: Always leave your condoms in your car.

My mom told me this one, BTW.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft,wonderful and larger than a "real one".
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."


There's a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting and think you will too.
85% of women think their ass is too big.......
10% of women think their ass is too little......
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.



A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


A man who owns a pharmacy showed up at work one day around noon. He saw a man leaning against the wall outside with a grimace on his face. The owner asked his assistant manager who the guy outside was.
The assistant said, "He came in looking for cough medicine. I could not find any, so I gave him a bottle of laxative and told him to drink it all."
The manager said, "You can't cure a cough with laxative!"
The assistant replied, "Sure you can. Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"


Mrs Blobby: "Blob Blob Blobobob Blobablob Blob"
Mr Blobby: "stop blowing bubbles and just swallow it!"


A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake.
"What did you do?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"


One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts the offer.
So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.
However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage with the lion in hot pursuit.
Finally, the mime starts screaming, "Help! Help me!"
The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.
The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll both lose our jobs!"


Q: What were the first words Adam said to Eve? A: "Stand back, I don't know how big this thing's gonna get!"


TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"


Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink, I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny, so I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no but I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say 'its all over between us'. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed, then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise he responded to my advances and we made love. But he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he is seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.

His side of the story:
England lost. Got a shag though.



A Girls Prayer:
Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dweep you sent me instead.
Amen.

A Boy's Prayer:
Lord,
I pray for a nympho with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store.
Amen



A woman was in bed with her lover, when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the "statue," "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


Roger went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Roger said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen."


Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.



Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't you will forfeit your privilege of being here and we'll have to ask you to visit our friend below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a car here in Heaven because it is so big!"
The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"
The guy replies, "24 years."
St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy says, "Yes, about 10 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to which he replies, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive."
The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar for you to drive"
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"



Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I’m not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...."
The other one responded: "You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, 'We will never forget you.'"

Q. What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

A. Half a cat.


Q. How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

A. Pick him up and give him a blow job.


Q. What do you tell a women with two black eyes?

A. Nothing. You already told the bitch twice.

Warning: most offensive, tasteless joke EVER ahead. You will be offended; consider this a public service. And no, I didn't make this up.

[edit]On second thought, I'm just gonna delete this. This is just too much.

Three vampires are in a bar. The waitress walks up to the first and asks for the order.

"Blood! I want blood! GIVE ME BLOOD!!!"

She backs away and writes down the order. She approaches the second.

"Blood! I want blood! GIVE ME BLOOD!!!"

Afraid for her life she writes it down, turns to the third.

"Hot water, please."

She writes it, pausing half way through. "Hot water?"

The vampire pulls out a tampon. "I'm having tea."



A woman's out golfing and she gets stung by a bee. She starts to get nervous that maybe she's allergic, so she runs back to the clubhouse and bursts inside shouting, "Help, I got stung by a bee!"

"Where?" a man asks quickly.

"Between the first and second hole."

"Well first of all, ma'am, your stance is too wide..."

I have some baby jokes.

What's blue and sits in a corner?

A baby with a plastic bag on his head

What do you call a baby on a stick?

Ka-baby

What's the difference betsween a Caddilac and pile of dead babies?

I don't have a cadillac in my garage

And a non-baby one

What has big boobs and plays with a ball?

Thehigh school football team

[suggests this be moved to the FF forum possibly...?]

verilon wrote:[suggests this be moved to the FF forum possibly...?]

FF?

XaLEv wrote:

verilon wrote:[suggests this be moved to the FF forum possibly...?]

FF?

Fan. Fiction. Duh.

Ack. *hits head on keyboard*

Dammit.