StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Not necessarily professional; any on-the-job material is good, whether you consider it your profession, or not. It's just that 'professional' made for a better thread title.




Me: So we're going to set up a pair of cargo containers on jacks, and dress them with some custom bits, and the extras will come running out of the containers in heavy gear onto the unprepared ground, and we're going to matte in the the transporting aircraft at about the top edge of the containers - that's the shot?

Them: Yes, we'll save a lot of money that way.

Me: We need an anchored steel deck for the containers; thirty loaded extras running out of them will make them move. And we'll need a water truck to control the dust they kick up because dust floating above the line of the cargo containers will be a pain, to match later.

Them: Umm-hmm, we'll have that conversation with VFX.

---four months later---

Them: All this extra post on that charging-off-the-ship shot is killing the budget. Why the hell didn't anybody think about all that dust and movement we have to track and match, when we were laying out the shot?

Hee hee. I don't have any real good lines yet; except that in a route of 600 families, there will always be one or two complete fucking loonies.

Patient: "Why, in this day and age do I have to feel pain?"

Me: "er...because you just had surgery?"

Patient: "Isn't that what drugs are for?"

Me: "They just manage it, but when you move around, and you have to move around, you will be sore. You can't not feel pain after what you've been through."

Patient: "I just don't see why I should have to feel pain."

*Staring sunserver that was installed the week before, but old-ass government facility started massive roof-leakage onto the equipment rack over the weekend*

Me: So, how much do you think that these servers cost? $100? $200?

(all sotto voce)

...as actress disrobes for a nude performance...

Wow, she's been working out!

So I can see.

...as actor disrobes to join her...

Damn, this stage is *cold.*

So I can see.

Happened last summer while working in a mobile phone factory. Morning shift is a bitch. Evening is the most compatible with a sane sleep rhythm (work hours 14-22) and night shift pays the best, but morning shift just sucks in every possible way.

Boss: Good morning, how are you today?
Me: I've slept for four fucking hours, I've got a headache, I landed the most boring task on this assembly line, and it's morning shift so even the pay sucks.
Boss: Er, okay. Try to hang in there...
Co-worker:
Me: What?
Co-worker: It's more or less customary to just say "fine, thanks"

Me and a coworker:

Me: He did what?

Coworker: He put the new RAM in upside-down and since the clips wouldn't lock, he duct-taped it to the motherboard.

Me: <Hysterical laughter>

Sadly, I was off work that day, I would have killed to see that myself.

Well, I have never worked with idiots... But I have some good after-work/ during field work stuff. Also only some bits of it are conversation...

The Field Work Stories.

1. So Adam D., Rick, Josh and Myself were heading to S. California to collect ants so Adam could finish his dissertation, and Rick could gather data for his. The topic strayed to how Rick became an Atheist from his former Mormon-ness.

Me: So Rick, I know you used to be mormon, but how did you actually become an atheist? Long standing doubts or did you just sort of have an epiphany?

Rick: Yeah, actually I was a good little mormon for a long time. Never really had any doubts and I could basically regurgitate the canned answers given to me by the church and compartmentalize away what I was going as a biology major. But one day when i was 22 and just finishing up my undergraduate work I was in borders and decided to actually take an honest look at the other side. So I sat down and started reading. Several hours later I had realized that I had been wasting all this time and been so intellectually dishonesty I was disgusted with myself...

This conversation went on for a while, bashing god, religion, religious people etc until we got out of the Spaceship Hölldobler (Our lab vehicle purchased on Bert Hölldobler's dime.) to collect Pogonomyrmex barbatus on the side of the road.

Now up until now, Adam had been laughing at the hilarity of the two of us, but Josh, the new graduate student had not said a word. We did not know him very well and we were both somewhat concerned that we might have offended someone who could easily put hundreds of stinging ants into our sleeping bags at night.

Rick: You are not... religious, are you?

Josh: No, no. I am an atheist, carry on. I am just tired.

2.

On this same trip we finally got to a little town in S. California that had the species and particular population we wanted. So we went to a dry grassy field and while Josh, Adam and I were collecting queens who had just mated and were digging their own nests, Rick was digging up existing nests to find sexuals who had not yet gone on their nuptial flights (as it turns out, our annual collection season was 3 days) Now, these ants are small and fast. You have to grab them with an unprotected hand or you dont grab them at all. Now, Rick is very good at what he does. He has been obsessed with ants since he was a small child, and it shows. But when you are picking up hundreds of ant sexuals individually while trying to dodge not just their stings, but the stings of the workers screaming "PROTECT THE FUTURE!!!" you are bound to make some mistakes and get tagged. These ants have an LD50 that is higher than that of a cobra, and is a 2.5-3 on the pain scale used to characterize insect stings (it is a 4 pt scale) and feels like someone is stabbing a lemon-juice soaked needle into your flesh and working it back and forth in the muscle and bone.

So every so often we would hear, across the field

"GAH!, OW, Sonofabitch!"

As it turns out he ended up getting stung 30 or so times on each hand. His hands swelled up and became paralyzed

Me: So Rick, what lessons have we learned?
Adam: Yeah Rick, had enough there?
Rick: The things I do for science....

After Work Story
This has a caste of characters.
Dr. Oliver Niehuis-German post-doc who cries when you mention cattle cars or Xyklon B
Adam Siegel: Irreverent, reform/secular jew graduate student (might be the only theist in our entire lab group, and then only just barely)
Josh: see field work story 1
Me: Hi

After work, we all decide to go out drinking with Chris and Jan (who left earlier) two germans who were in our lab for research for a three month period. Josh and Oliver had bikes, Oliver was walking his, Josh was riding wheely circles around us.

Oliver: How are you doing that?
Josh: You have never done a wheely before?
Oliver: no. Can you teach me?
Josh: sure!

So Oliver hands his bike off to Adam and proceeds to learn how to do wheelies on a bike. Now, Adam and I think this is hilarious. But Oliver has a very nice bike and Adam makes a joke to me about sneaking off with it.

Me: I wouldnt do that if I were you Adam. Oliver knows where you live.
Adam: Actually I just moved and he has not seen the new place yet.
Me: Oh, well... You dont want every german in SIRG (of which there are 10) looking for you do you?

We both think about that for a second, get the unintentional holocaust joke and crack up laughing, but we also know that Oliver must never know we made such a joke at his expense because he (not the jew) is really sensitive about it and has a LOT of "german guilt". Oliver of course hears us laughing and thinks we are making fun of him and rides over

Oliver: What is so funny, are you making fun of me or...?
Me and Adam: No no! Not at all!
Oliver: I think you are lying (he gives us a suspicious sideways glance
Adam: We cant tell you.... Its too horrible...
He obviously gathers that much, but does not press the issue further. He just slumps his shoulders and tries out his new trick some more. He did however make periodic references to that incident for a good month.

Me: No, I'm not going to support a job action

Union jackass: Listen, the police are getting a 9% pay raise on their contract and we're only getting 2%, it's not fair and...

Me: Are we the police?

UJ: No, but the fact that they're getting a 9% raise while we're only getting 2% means we're...

Me: You don't get it do you? We're not the police, we don't do their job, we don't do nightshift, and we don't get shot at by fucking criminals every day...

UJ: Look, you're the one who doesn't understand, we should be getting the same pay raise as them because we're also peace officers. It doesn't...

Me: Shut the fuck up. You want your 9% raise you go sign up and be a fucking cop Ok? You make fucking 65 grand a year with full benefits, you're fucking spoiled, shut up and stop complaining.

Me: I would recommend the Riu property for your clients.

Travel Agent: I have a question to ask you. Are there any Blacks in Jamaica?

Me: <mute> HAHAHAHAHAH </unmute> I'm quite certain there are. Would you like me to get a second opinion?

--

Travel Agent: Why can't I book a trip to Puerto Plata via Southwest Vacations?

Me: Because it's a domestic airline.

Travel Agent: Are you sure?

--

Travel Agent: Oh you are such a nice young man! I hope you marry yourself a nice Christian white women and have many beautiful kids with her!

Me: ..........thanks?

--

Irate Travel Agent: Why is my commission being reduced?

Me: Because you advise your clients to call us with any questions. Your commission has been adjusted since we are doing the work that is required of you.

ITA: What would you do if we didn't give you work? Just sit on your asses all day?

Me: We have our own clients that need our assistance. I have over one-hundred accounts that I personally assist with.

ITA: I cannot help every single customer that comes in here which is why I have them call you for assistance.

Me: From our records it seems that I personally service more clients in a month than your agency sees in a year. If you are having difficulty assisting multiple clients I would recommend utilizing the free training classes that our corporation offers. In fact, we have a class this Tuesday if you are interested.

ITA: <dial tone>

I'm sure more will come to me from my various internships and jobs thus far, but one of my favorites:

I am the Executive Director of a small summer band program that I set up that serves the school district I recently graduated from. Last summer we had 19 elementary schoolers in the band, from grades 3-5. One rehearsal I asked the band why they thought warming up was important. One of the answers correlated it to athletes stretching before a game, and I told the kid that it was a good comparison. So, the rehearsal went on for a little while, we finished warming up, and I told them to get out a piece of music. One of the trombone players was contorting himself in an odd way.

ME (amused): What are you doing?
J: The lotus position.
ME: The lotus position?
J (giving me the biggest "duh" look I'd ever seent): Yeah--you know, yoga?
ME: I don't do Yoga--why are you doing it?
J: We need to stretch before we play!

Crazy Person at Teller Window #1: "I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

Crazy Person at Teller Window #2: "Fuck you where is my TV? I want my motherfucking TV or i'm gonna fucking shoot somebody!"

Tellers #1 and #2 <pee pants>

Yours Truly, Bank Manager Extrordanaire: "WHOA Whoa Whoa! Calm down! What's the problem here?"

Crazy People: stream of vulgar gibberish about broken TV set. (Also, they smell bad.)

Me: "Sorry, folks, I'm going to have to ask you to leave, you are vulgar and you are intimidating my customers. Please Leave now"

Crazy #1 "but where am i going to cash my check"

Me: "not here. leave now"

Crazy #1 "this isn't over! I'm calling the media!" *storms off*

Crazy #2 *Slams hand on counter, raises fist and leans over counter* "Now you listen to me pal...

Me (All 6'3" 225 lbs of me, looking at Crazy straight in the eyes as i reach under the counter)
"My finger is on the button and you're on camera. How do you think this is going to end?"

Crazy #2 mumbles something about the office of the comptroller of the currency and staggers out the door.

Me: "so you are fifty eight years old, highest level of education eight grade, most of your experience is in shipping and recieving and landscaping but your spine is crumbling and your social security application has been denied twice because of inadequate medical documentation. Your next appointment at the free clinic is in six weeks."

Client, "Yeah but i quit drinking so that should save me plenty of money."

Me: "Awesome but you can only save zero from zero, so we need to identify a source of income.

::Client pulls out cowboy hat and stands putting one foot up on his chair and sticking out his ass::

Client, "I was thinking I could take pictures of myself and sell them as Christmas cards? I jsut need money to buy a camera. is there anything you can do to help me?"

Me: "I'm pretty sure my HUD grant won't cover that, and now we have to have our appointments with the office door open or in a public place."

Col. Crackpot wrote:Crazy #2 mumbles something about the office of the comptroller of the currency and staggers out the door.

I'm shocked that some crazy would know about the Comptroller of the Currency, I didn't even know that government office existed until last year when I started getting serious with my stock trading.

aerius wrote:

Col. Crackpot wrote:Crazy #2 mumbles something about the office of the comptroller of the currency and staggers out the door.

I'm shocked that some crazy would know about the Comptroller of the Currency, I didn't even know that government office existed until last year when I started getting serious with my stock trading.

Don't underestimate the crazies. Many crazy people are quite educated and intelligent... somewhere along the line they just went nukkin' futz.

Note I've cleaned up the dialog, otherwise every third word would an expletive.

Me: So you're going out on a smoke break
Stupid Coworker: Yeah
Me: Didn't you have Chemo today?
SC: Yeah.
Me: So you have cancer, and you still smoke. Am I the only one who sees a problem here?
SC: I'm a mutherfucking grown man, I've lived in the streats, you can't tell me what to do!
Me: I'm not
SC: Yes you are!
Me: No, I'm not. And if you smell like smoke when you get back in, I might just throw up on you.
SC: You wouldn't dare!
Me: I've told you before, the smoke makes me sick to my stomach.
SC: <Grumbles>

Five Minutes Later

SC: Hey can I have 5 bucks?
Me: Why?
SC: I need to get a pack from the store
Me: Cigarettes? You're asking me to pay for your smoking habit?
SC: <quiet>
Me: Furthermore. you still owe me 3 dollars.
SC: Stop using big words!
Me: What big word?
SC: You know which one.
Me: "Furthermore?" Look it up fool.
SC: <Slight pause> So you're not going to lend me money?

Around 9 years ago I worked as a PC repair tech for Gateway in one of their stores. Many amusing, faith-in-humanity-destroying stories to be had in retail PC repair.

Customer Service rep: Hey guys, this lady at the counter says she pulled the batteries out of her PC, and can't get them to go back in? I don't know what she's talking about.
Me: Is it a laptop?
Customer Service rep: No.
Me: She must've just pulled out the CMOS battery, no big deal.
<My coworker Jason goes to the counter with the CSR>
Jason: Good morning! So, I hear you're having some trouble with batteries?
Customer: Yeah, I called tech support and they told me to pull out the battery inside my PC and put it back in. I pulled them out, but they won't go back!
Jason: Okay, do you have the battery with you?
Customer: Sure!
<customer hands Jason a pair of capacitors that had been ripped off of the motherboard>

Apparently she saw the cylindrical capacitors and thought "batteries." We replaced the motherboard for her since she had been following phone support's instructions...but I've never seen anyone work harder at restraining laughter than Jason as he tried not to run from the counter to show us those capacitors!

We also had several people bring in PCs infested with cockroaches (they scurry when you open the case, btw). Not to mention the usual kid-stuck-his-sandwich-in-the-CDROM stuff. We even saw and actual example of the old "I broke the drink holder in my PC" myth, which is apparently less myth and more idiot.

But the best one was when we tried to use the floppy drive on a customer's PC, and found something stuck inside. We used some pliers and pulled out the foreign object...an American Express Blue card. The one with the little microchip.

When questioned, the customer admitted that he had been trying to pay his bills online.

I actually have the PC stories beat, but not work related... My best friend's little brother Matthew managed to somehow get chocolate all over the inside of his computer, without ever opening the case.

Granted he was a mentally handicapped 10 year old at the time...

Typical situation at work:

Customer: I need my email password, I've lost it.
Me: I'll print out a letter with your user information and send it in the mail
Customer: Can't you tell me on the phone?
Me: Sorry, passwords are telecommunications data and we aren't allowed to divulge that over the phone.
Customer: Give my goddamn password or I'll call your superior and have you fired!
Me: *switches to a less friendly tone of voice* I can't do that and neither can he-
Customer: I'm not interested! I'll call the media and write to the papers and your superior and get you fired!
Me: *no-more-mr-niceguy voice* The LAW forbids me from divulging your password and if I do, I'll be instantly fired. With that being the case, how exactly are you going to persuade me?
Customer: *mumble-grumble*
Me: You'll get the letter in 2-3 days. Thanks for calling and have a nice day! *click*

The variations on this one are endless. Fortunately that usually shuts the assholes up real quicklike. They wouldn't stick their neck out for anyone that way, so they usually recognize when they are fighting a losing battle. And those regs are in place for a good reason. Otherwise anybody could fish for whatever information and use that to track down and harm people they had a grudge against. If the customer doesn't say it to us first, we give them nothing. They don't like that, they can fuck off. All it takes is one psychotic ex-boyfriend getting his ex's new address info and you potentially have an innocent dead person.

"I need the link that gets me the number so I can do the thing. Do you know where that is?"


I heard that today. Surprisingly, she actually seemed to have some idea as to what she needed. But it took way more interrogation than it should have.

todays was:
(replacing clients name with "dude" when i adress him of course")

Me: "Dude, I can detect a strong odor of alcahol on you, and you seem to ahve trouble balancing, have you been drinking?'

Client "No way Tom, I'm as sober as a judge."

Me: "Dude, no one even uses that phrase unless they've been drinking."

Client: "Yeah I do a lot of thinking in this phase of my life."

Me: Blink blink, long pause then I can't hold it in anymore and i start coughing.
"Dude, you've been smoking a lot too."

Client:" Oh yeah sorry about that, nasty habit sir."

Me: "Well Dude, you kind of mis heard what I said and you zoned out there for a bit, are you sure you haven't been drinking?"

Client: "Fuck yeah!"

Me: "yeah you have? or yeah you are sure."

Client: "Who gives a shit, yous aid I smell like I've been smoking, er go suma cum laude, I am not drunk."

Me: "Dude I'm pretty much ending this appointment, you KNOW you can't drink before job developement, and its against shelter policy to bring alcahol on the premises. But out of MORBID curiosity, do you think that cigarette smoke is a stronger odor than alcahol?"

Client: "Well yeah."

Me:" So you think smoking after drinking would hypothetically of course, cover the drinking smell?"

Client: "Yeah"

Me:"Well all it doesn't is set off allergies I never knew I had dude, from now on you can't smoke OR drink immediately before seeing me because we can get nothing done."

Client: "I didn't smoke for you, I smoked in case I got pulled over!"

Me:" Dude, we are liable if you drive away from shelter proprty because we tell you to leave, so I advise you to walk to conenctions (drop in center down the street) I have to call the police and tell them you've been drinking and where your car is."

Client as he leaves: "Who gives a shit, there ain't no cops around here, ain't no pop po!"

Me: "Dude, don't get in the car, theres a police susbtation, ONE HOUSE OVER, its maybe twenty feet away."

Client, "Its a one way street fucker! They can't get to me!" ::makes swimming gestures as he gets into his car.

Police got to him before he even realized he left his keys on my desk.

Not quite word for word but close enough.


Client: Our business model mines the potential of Facebook and other social networking sites, it harnesses the power of connections and puts companies face to face with their customers. Our company facilitates the connections betwen companies and customers with a unique network based interfacing service.

Me: Sounds wonderful, except no company, yours included, has ever managed to turn a profit using your proposed model.

Client: Our proprietary services use a unique mentorship program which greatly increases the efficiency of the process, it leverages the connections on social networking sites to meet the needs of companies and their potential customers.

Me: Listen, you're not telling me anything I can't read on your company's webpage, we're not going to get very far this way. What my employers needs is a plan and results; how does what you're proposing differ from the other failures to date, and more importantly, your results to date along with future projections based on a realistic model.

Client: <a whole bunch more buzzwords and crap which I don't remember since by this time I've zoned out and don't care anymore>

Me: Umm...yes, thank you. I'm afraid this is very little to go, my employer needs to see a concrete plan before we can carry out further relations with your company, and I don't see much to go on.

Client: <another huge buzzword filled pitch with no substance in it, I believe it amounted to a Ponzi scheme>

Me: I'm sorry but your request is denied until I can bring back a concrete plan to my employers.

Client: What??!! You can't do this! I paid for this and you can't deny your sevices!!

Me: Read your contract. Good day.

Might I suggest that people note what their profession is with their post? Also ,This thread has some solid gold potential .

(I'll need to find an example from work that isn't a linguistic/translation/officers' joke first though )

Software Development:

On days I had Helpdesk duty for our customer (UPS), where they can report problems with the parcel scanning and distribution software we made for them. The upsguys use an Terminal-style interface for the few things they have to do.

Upsguy:"Hello, can you tell me how to change the font on the PC.
Me:<mute>You're calling an 100€ per call Helpdesk to ask that?</mute> Well, no problem, first you have to klick on the start button.."
Upsguy:"No, I mean on the terminal...."

I also had one of those:

upsofficeguy:"My windows has just frozen".
me:"Ok, let's have a look at that. What is on your monitor?"
upsofficeguy: "A vase and some framed pictures."
me:No, let me rephrase that...

That myth is TRUE!

I also had claims that the 'printer' (in german it would be called a "pusher") was broken. Questioning showed that he ment the thing he pushes around, e.g. the mouse.

Some secretary complained that the foot pedal of the dictaphone on that new PC thingy doesn't work.
Yep, the mouse, too.

I work as an editorial writer for Clubplanet.com. Me and my immediate supervisor (my editor) are always joking around with English-centric cracks on our content and clients. Some brief examples:

Me: (While uploading a piece by a guest writer) Hey, you know, there's a serious disconnect in the narrative here. A sentence that interrupts mid-flow followed by a fragment.
Her: Yeah, that's the Joycian grammar endemic to GOAG writers. Don't stare directly at it, it'll blind your soul.

And while we were writing up the descriptions for a shitload of New Year's Eve parties.

Her: If anything this is too awesome—my descriptions suck in comparison because my brain is fried from clubby bromides. Can you start on LA? Just do a one-sentence platitude about the DJ/entertainment value since it’s a lot of work to keep regurgitating different ways of saying, “this event is not totally identical to every single other even in this soulless city, no way.”
Me: Dude, I thought I was the only one having that problem. If anything I was painfully aware of how formulaic I was getting with “First sentence: unique factoid about party/venue. Second sentence: Thesaurus-fueled crap about how awesome this overpriced monument to human decadence is going to be.” Oops, was I getting too cynical there?