StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Something I found on another board; so whereever it originally came from, here's to ya.

The Complete Military History of France

* Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
* Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
* Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
* Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
* Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
* War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
* The Dutch War - Tied
* War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
* War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
* American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

* French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
* The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
* The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
* World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

* World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
* War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
* Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

* War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

smeg, thats funny, yet true on so may levels

This is solid gold.

EmperorMing wrote:* Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

A last minute win still counts as a win. The Frogs won the hundred years war by most any standard: there's no English territorial presense left on contenental Europe.

Dalton wrote:This is solid gold.

I trust it is FUQ bound?

Stuart Mackey wrote:

Dalton wrote:This is solid gold.

I trust it is FUQ bound?

Oh yeah, if Ming can find the original source...otherwise, I'll have to credit it otherwise.

Dalton wrote:

Stuart Mackey wrote:

Dalton wrote:This is solid gold.

I trust it is FUQ bound?

Oh yeah, if Ming can find the original source...otherwise, I'll have to credit it otherwise.

I'm looking. I got this from the SFB universe board, and the guy who posted it so far has not listed his source...

Buzzard!

EmperorMing wrote:* French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

That's my favourite, right there.

Enlightenment wrote:

EmperorMing wrote:* Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

A last minute win still counts as a win. The Frogs won the hundred years war by most any standard: there's no English territorial presense left on contenental Europe.

False: Calais was English from 1347-1558

OK. Possible source is here:

http://www.clubbeaux.com/archives/000285.html

Enjoy!!

Zaia wrote:

EmperorMing wrote:* French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

That's my favourite, right there.

Mine too. Just so...true

Oops! Somone forgot an entry:

"The War of Greenpeace – Lost. Thanks to Emperor Misha, for reminding Clubbeaux that after Frog frogmen bravely blew up an unarmed Greenpeace ship in Auckland Harbour in 1983 and bravely killed unarmed people doing so, thereby commencing hostilities, “the attack catapulted Greenpeace to the international spotlight, boosting its popularity and presence to record levels. The incident gave Greenpeace worldwide publicity and brought it a deluge of new members. Lloyd Cutler, former White House counsel to President Jimmy Carter, negotiated an $8 million settlement from the French Government.”

As Misha says, “You attack a bunch of filthy, granola-munching hippies and you end up having to fork over $8,000,000 to make them stop harrassing you? You surrendered to friggin’ GREENPEACE??? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
"

Snicker...

This is absolutely priceless.

Captain Kruger wrote:This is absolutely priceless.

*Homer* Its funny because its true *Homer*

* The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

Sir Arthur must be spinning in his grave Footwear designer indeed.

And I agree with all previous posts on the Revolution - it's a classic

Glare wrote:

* The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

Sir Arthur must be spinning in his grave Footwear designer indeed.

And I agree with all previous posts on the Revolution - it's a classic

Thats 'His Grace must be spinning in his grave' thank you...

Stuart Mackey wrote:Thats 'His Grace must be spinning in his grave' thank you...

True, one canst not forget he was the "Iron Duke" (gotta keep the bricks of the riff raff from my window, what). But he was good old Sir Arthur before that in the Peninsular and prior to that, India - his glory days as it were.

Ah, the good ole looser French we all know and love.

Glare wrote:

Stuart Mackey wrote:Thats 'His Grace must be spinning in his grave' thank you...

True, one canst not forget he was the "Iron Duke" (gotta keep the bricks of the riff raff from my window, what). But he was good old Sir Arthur before that in the Peninsular and prior to that, India - his glory days as it were.

Quite right old chap, a skirmish at Assaye and home in time for high tea, what?

Stuart Mackey wrote:Quite right old chap, a skirmish at Assaye and home in time for high tea, what?

Quite, quite. Perhaps a quick chukka? And then round the governor's for the ball?

Glare wrote:

Stuart Mackey wrote:Quite right old chap, a skirmish at Assaye and home in time for high tea, what?

Quite, quite. Perhaps a quick chukka? And then round the governor's for the ball?

Indeed! sounds a rum old time, eh what?
I hear that its to be held at the Pantheon in Madras.
Fancy a spot of curry? I rather think curry will take of back in blighty, old man....

Stuart Mackey wrote:Indeed! sounds a rum old time, eh what?
I hear that its to be held at the Pantheon in Madras.
Fancy a spot of curry? I rather think curry will take of back in blighty, old man....

No shit?? You really think the reserved English would enjoy a good Madras, perhaps even the Vindaloo?? With our refined palates and love of bland food? Us Ros Bouffs??

Ahem....

Why certainly old chap, a days shooting followed by a good curry. Bracing what.

The French defineably won the War of Spanish Succession - They placed a Bourbon monarch on the throne of Spain. That was a victory. The War of Devolution was also a win in absolute terms (They gained territory which is still part of France today). The small wars between the Dutch War and the War of the Grand Alliance were also for the most part victories. Though some gains were rolled back, France kept Strasbourg after the peace ending the War of the Grand Alliance, which excepting the 1871-1918 interval and WWII, has remained French.

The list totally ignores the 18th century Lace Wars, several of which were French victories (nevermind lots of medieval wars). The Thirty Years War was also a French Victory, and in fact technically lasted much longer considering that France and Spain fought each other long after the conclusion of the war between the rest of the combatants in 1648.

In 1848 President Louis Napoleon of France brought his troops into Italy, defeated the Roman Republic, and restored the Pope - A decisive victory. In 1859 at the battles of Magenta and Solferino, the Austrians were decisively defeated by France as well, in the Second War of Italian Independence. Finally and most recently, France kicked Qaddafi's ass in Chad. This ignores, of course, the French record in colonial warfare, and numerous smaller conflicts. I'm probably missing a few larger ones, and the spin put on some of the bigger ones by the list (No, I KNOW I am).

The French have a decisive and famous history of military preeminence and brilliance in combat. They have one problem: In 1866 at the battle of Koniggratz, Prussia defeated Austria and won the Seven Weeks War. Napoleon III the French Emperor (Previously Louis Napoleon the French President)'s failure to intervene, and the resulting very clear Prussian victory, were fatal to French power. Austro-Hungary was kicked out of German affairs, the North German Confederation established with Prussia totally dominating it, and the South German States brought into league with the North German Confederation in secret alliances.

From that moment onward, Germany was effectively unified, and with that unification France automatically became the second-rate power on the continent. The French had known that the unification of Germany would make them insignificant since medieval times, and had constantly done everything to oppose this. Louis Napoleon's obsession with national identities led him to be blinded to the geo-political threat, however, and the result was realized five years later when the German Empire was created in the occupied Palace of Versailles.

The Duchess of Zeon wrote:The French defineably won the War of Spanish Succession - snip.

Yes yes yes, But the unification of Germany is nothing compared to the effect of the Vindaloo on the palate of the English/British Kingdom and the wars and colonisation {esp New Sikhland in London} that brought it to those cold isles.

i have but one thing to say.

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries! Now go, or i shall taunt you a second time!"