59 Reasons Hitler lost the War(Humor)
Posted: 2003-03-09 01:13am
From The Broom Closet at 
http://www.digiserve.com/eescape/closet ... op-59.html
Land War in Asia
Changed name from highly catchy "Schickelgruber" to boring "Hitler"
Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects
Not buying lifts for his shoes
Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
Failure to exploit Eva Braun
Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image
Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan
Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
Free beer in munitions plants
Lisp never corrected
Bad toupee
Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
Fell asleep in staff meetings
Chose Italy as ally
Land War in Asia
Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkablylike a bullseye from the air
Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
Never had fireside mass rallies
Told Einstein he had a stupid name
Used SS instead of LAPD
Admired Napoleon's strategy
Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him constantly
In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii
Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war advice
Major theme in speeches -- lebensraum, or "living room" -- widely misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess' pilot licence.
Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word gotout that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
Breast feeding for too long
Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR
Drank too much at Beer Hall Putsch
Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own escape.
Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland
Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasionof Soviet Union
Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberlin in power
Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the fjords
Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited for the punchline)
Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar for "Best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech undermined image.
Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in a can"
Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the "Oberdude"
Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a wimp?"
Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the last second
Failed to encourage tourism
Being born
Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
Alienated Chamberlin at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his back
Kept Colonel Klink in command
Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled threat
Used same astrologer as the Reagans
http://www.digiserve.com/eescape/closet ... op-59.htmlLand War in Asia
Changed name from highly catchy "Schickelgruber" to boring "Hitler"
Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects
Not buying lifts for his shoes
Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
Failure to exploit Eva Braun
Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image
Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan
Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
Free beer in munitions plants
Lisp never corrected
Bad toupee
Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
Fell asleep in staff meetings
Chose Italy as ally
Land War in Asia
Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkablylike a bullseye from the air
Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
Never had fireside mass rallies
Told Einstein he had a stupid name
Used SS instead of LAPD
Admired Napoleon's strategy
Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him constantly
In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii
Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war advice
Major theme in speeches -- lebensraum, or "living room" -- widely misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess' pilot licence.
Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word gotout that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
Breast feeding for too long
Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR
Drank too much at Beer Hall Putsch
Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own escape.
Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland
Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasionof Soviet Union
Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberlin in power
Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the fjords
Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited for the punchline)
Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar for "Best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech undermined image.
Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in a can"
Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the "Oberdude"
Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a wimp?"
Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the last second
Failed to encourage tourism
Being born
Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
Alienated Chamberlin at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his back
Kept Colonel Klink in command
Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled threat
Used same astrologer as the Reagans
